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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24620707">The Last Enemy: The Howling Nights</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CH_Darling/pseuds/CH_Darling'>CH_Darling</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Last Enemy [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Compliant, Epic Friendship, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hogwarts Fifth Year, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Minor Violence, POV Multiple, Politics, Prequel, Pureblood Society (Harry Potter), References to Illness, Rise of Voldemort, Slow Burn, but reaaaal slow, jily, minor wolfstar later in series</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:27:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>208,537</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24620707</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CH_Darling/pseuds/CH_Darling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s 1975 and war is simmering beneath the surface of the Wizarding world...but at Hogwarts, it’s magic as usual as the fifth years prepare for their O.W.L.s amidst politics, pranks, and other poor choices. </p><p>Severus Snape wants to prove his worth.<br/>Lily Evans wants a fresh start.<br/>James Potter wants Lily Evans, though no one is more surprised by this than him.<br/>Sirius Black wants to write himself a new story.<br/>Remus Lupin wants to survive the next moon.<br/>Peter Pettigrew just wants to keep up.</p><p>But as tensions bubble over, sides will be chosen, friendships destroyed, families parted, and paths forever altered.</p><p>The Howling Nights is the first book of The Last Enemy series, which follows the lives of the heroes and villains of the First Wizarding War from 1975-1981. </p><p> <a href="https://youtu.be/tRpsSodszhY">Watch the trailer!</a></p><p>Now complete!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lily Evans Potter &amp; Severus Snape, Regulus Black &amp; Sirius Black, Remus Lupin &amp; James Potter, Remus Lupin &amp; Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black &amp; James Potter, Sirius Black &amp; Remus Lupin, Sirius Black &amp; Remus Lupin &amp; Peter Pettigrew &amp; James Potter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Last Enemy [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1780084</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2322</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>703</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Mirror, Mirror</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="ujudUb">
  <p><em>The last enemy</em><br/>
<em>that shall be destroyed</em><br/>
<em>is death.</em><br/>
(1 Corinthians 15:26)</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p> </p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p><em>Don't go 'round tonight</em><br/>
<em>It's bound to take your life</em><br/>
<em>There's a bad moon on the rise<br/>
</em>(Bad Moon Rising, Creedence Clearwater Revival)</p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p> </p>
</div><hr/><p>
  
</p>
<h1>JAMES</h1><hr/><h2>Mirror, Mirror</h2><p>“It’s no go, mate,” a sullen voice declared into the candlelit gloaming of a dim bedroom. The owner of this bedroom — a tall, angular youth with dark-framed glasses and darker hair — was sprawled aslant in an overstuffed armchair, his legs stretched out and resting upon a large, leather trunk. A cluster of candles floated around him, giving the odd impression of a fiery crown.</p><p>The boy, whose name was James Potter, was peering into a small, grubby mirror — but it was not his own reflection that looked back. Instead, his best friend Sirius Black grimaced at him through the glass. It was from here the sullen voice came.</p><p>“I swear,” said Sirius from the mirror, “Mummy darling’s gone even madder this summer. There’s no way she’s going to let me come.”</p><p>“That doesn’t make any sense,” complained James. “What’s changed?”</p><p>“Apart from her rapidly-eroding sanity, you mean? I reckon she’s decided once and for all that the Potter family tree is a giant cesspool of blood traitors and Muggle-lovers.”</p><p>“You came to stay <em>last</em> year.”</p><p>“That was before your dad was publicly quoted in the<em> Daily Prophet</em> calling Abraxas Malfoy a ‘bigoted old buffoon.’”</p><p>“Aha, yeah, good ol’ dad,” snickered James. He swatted away one of the candles, as it was veering a little too near his forehead.</p><p>“Watch out,” advised Sirius. “You’re going to set the drapes on fire again.”</p><p>“Never mind them,” said James, knocking another candle away from the thick velvet curtains that hung plushly before the tall windows (and showed irrefutable evidence of prior singeing). “This is rubbish. It’s bad enough you missed the Puddlemere United match, but now I won’t even see you until the start of term?”</p><p>“I’m not exactly chuffed myself.”</p><p>“What if I come to you?”</p><p>“Bad idea, mate,” said Sirius darkly.</p><p>James scowled into the distance. He’d never been to his friend’s home, nor even met his family beyond one brief interaction at King’s Cross. Sirius preferred it that way; he’d made it clear he didn’t want James to have anything to do with them. James understood this, to a degree. After all, Sirius’s parents were not nice people. They were what James’s mother might refer to as ‘ultra-traditionalists,’ or what James’s father might refer to as ‘bigoted old buffoons.’</p><p>The Blacks were one of Wizarding Britain’s most noble and aristocratic pure-blood families. They were famous for their fabulous wealth, dominating political power, and uncompromising stance on blood purity. The Potters, in the Blacks’ view, did not quite rate. The name ‘Potter’ had long been dropped from the Sacred Twenty-Eight, an anonymously published bible of pure-blood families that the Blacks topped both alphabetically and fanatically. This fact, coupled with Mr. Potter’s outspoken political views on Muggle rights, meant that the Blacks did not much approve of their son’s friendship with a certain James Potter.</p><p>James wasn’t all too bothered by this, for he did not much approve of the Blacks.</p><p>Still, it was annoying, as now their dislike of him was interfering with his summer plans. For a while, Sirius’s family had at least tolerated James. He may be the son of Muggle-lovers, but they were at least pure-bloods. All that seemed to be a thing of the past, however. Almost immediately after Sirius had returned to his London home for the summer holiday, his parents had whisked him off to his uncle’s country house where they evidently thought he’d be safe from the pernicious influences of blood traitors and Muggle-lovers like the Potters.</p><p>They didn’t know about the mirrors though, thought James with smug satisfaction.</p><p>“How is it, at your uncle’s?”</p><p>“Foul,” said Sirius. “I don’t know where old Alphard got the idea that I give a rat’s arse about horses or hunting. Never thought I’d miss bloody Grimmauld Place.”</p><p>“Did you at least get a chance to look at the library?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>James leaned forward in excitement. “And? Did you find anything?”</p><p>“If you want to learn how to curse off your enemy’s genitals? Yes. If you want to learn how to become an Animagus? No luck.”</p><p>“Damn.” James sunk back into his chair, disappointed.</p><p>“I told you not to get your hopes up. The only books in that rubbish library are about ancestry and evil. What else would you expect? It was curated by a bunch of Dark Arts-loving swine…”</p><p>Disappointed though he may be by the results of Sirius’s search, James felt a swell of pride at his friend’s ongoing tirade. Sirius hated Dark Magic as much as James. He wasn’t anything like his fanatical, blood supremacist family. That had been made clear when he’d been sorted into Gryffindor House with James back in first year. Sirius, unlike his rotten relatives, was good.</p><p>“…and if I have to sit through another tea with Narcissa and her slimy Death Eater boyfriend, I’m going to lose it, James, I really will. Lucius bloody Malfoy. Going on and on about how the Death Eaters are upholding the Black family traditions of blood supremacy and — oh yeah, they murder children for fun. Isn’t that <em>grand</em>, darling?”</p><p>James felt his stomach drop. Sirius had undoubtedly seen the article in the <em>Daily Prophet</em> last week about the Muggle family in Leeds found brutally murdered…three children, all under the age of ten…</p><p>“I thought they hadn’t connected that to Death Eaters.”</p><p>Sirius grunted. “Not officially.”</p><p>Death Eaters. Once a whisper in the newspapers, a rumor, a conspiracy theory, the name was cropping up more and more often. And though it was never printed, never mentioned in the inky columns of the Prophet, everyone somehow knew the name that went before it, the name even James’s own parents refused to speak…the one they called You-Know-Who.</p><p>Sirius was still talking. “And of course, my idiot brother just laps it all up. It’s disgusting, watching him suck up to mummy and dear Uncle Alphard. He’s pathetic, just trying to show off, to be their good little pure-blood son. You know, sometimes I wonder if I should’ve been harder on him as a kid. Let him fight his own battles, instead of always taking the brunt of it. Maybe then he wouldn’t be so enamored with Black family values…”</p><p>Sirius trailed off here. He hardly ever spoke about his childhood, but James suspected it had not been very nice.</p><p>“Look,” said James consolingly, “when do you get back to London?”</p><p>“A week. But it’s not any better there.”</p><p>“I know, but do you think you could sneak out? Just for the day? I could meet you in Diagon Alley.”</p><p>Sirius thought about it. “I probably could, if we did it on a weekday. They always have <em>something</em> going on.” He brightened a bit at this idea. “How about that Thursday?”</p><p>James agreed and quickly extinguished the arm of his chair: It was smoldering.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>When Thursday arrived, James woke with the birds. He was an early riser by nature, and today he was excited. He and Sirius had agreed to meet at the Leaky Cauldron at half-past eleven. The time was chosen because Mr. and Mrs. Black were likely to have left for their various appointments and social obligations by then, giving Sirius an easy escape. He had to be secretive about it, because they were weird about him going into London without them.</p><p>It was ten-til-nine, and James was impatient. </p><p>The problem with the summer holiday, he felt, was that there was simply nothing to <em>do</em>. Sure, he enjoyed a break from classes and exams as much as the next student, but he missed the constant buzz of activity in the castle, the clamor of people filling halls. </p><p>Unlike Hogwarts, his own home was very quiet. Potter House was a big, rambling, old place, tucked away in a cozy corner of the Cotswolds, and for most of the summer James rattled about in it, bored. He hated being bored. His parents were around, of course, but they had their own concerns. His father’s health had long teetered near the edge of trouble, and lately things had gotten worse.</p><p>If James wasn’t careful, if he spent too many idle hours lying on his bed doing nothing, then he got rather sad about it.</p><p>So he kept busy. In the mornings, after a hardy breakfast, he took to the field behind Potter House to practice Quidditch. James was a Chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and he was very good, but he could always get better.</p><p>In the evenings or on rainy days, he spent most of his time teaching himself new spells and jinxes. He’d convinced his mother that it didn’t matter if he did underage magic outside of school, despite the strict laws prohibiting it. The Trace, he had reasoned, only told the Ministry <em>where</em> the magic was being used, and as they were a Wizarding home, no one need ever know the spells came from a certain fifteen-year-old boy. And wasn’t it <em>better</em>, he had insisted, that he use the summers to study and learn new magic, rather than lolling around for months on end, doing absolutely nothing?</p><p>His mother had laughed, ruffled his hair, and agreed that “as long as he didn’t burn the house down,” she couldn’t see any harm. </p><p>Good ol’ mum.</p><p>His parents had already left for the morning. His father had yet another ‘routine’ checkup at St. Mungo’s, and his mother had accompanied him, as she always did. They would be gone for most of the day, as they always were. Not that they would mind if he went to Diagon Alley on his own. They weren’t controlling, like Sirius’s parents. James more or less did whatever he pleased.</p><p>After finishing breakfast, James was dismayed to see he still had yet another hour to kill, so he wandered down the hall to the library, a room he had come to haunt over the summer. The library at Potter House was a very handsome room, lined with dark mahogany bookcases and crammed to capacity with lovely calf-bound tomes of every size and color. A marble table, piled with ever more books, anchored the center of the room, and a worn sofa of faded rose velvet was pushed back in the cozy recess between the shelves. A large, sloped fireplace dominated the eastern wall, and as James crossed the room, he ran a finger absently over the grooves of a small, triangular carving in the chimney breast. An old habit, a superstitious ritual for luck. He barely noticed he was doing it.</p><p>With a sigh, he settled himself down at the marble table and grabbed a stack of books he had piled there the night previously. The library’s collection was vast and varied. It had been curated by an eccentric mishmash of generations of Potters. On its shelves sat books on potion-brewing, medical magic, and healing teas. Compendiums on herbalism and treatises on Kneazle-breeding. Heavy, brick-like tomes of Transfigurative theory and wispy little manuscripts on experimental charms. <em>An Encyclopedia of Fungi</em> sat next to <em>A Treasury of Toad-Keeping</em>. There were books on art and architecture, literature and plays, more than one edition of <em>The Tales of Beedle Bard</em>, and even a very dusty corner devoted to eighteenth-century efforts in gnome breeding. What it did not have, so far as any of James’s scholarly expeditions had uncovered, were instructions on how to become an Animagus.</p><p>Another glance at his watch, another sigh, and James selected a hefty volume from the stack and began to read. He didn’t really expect to find anything. He’d been through just about every book on Transfiguration in the collection. (“My little scholar!” exclaimed his mum, upon finding him holed up in the library for the fourth time that week.) All the books talked about Animagi — it was, after all, considered the pinnacle of Transfigurative magic — but none seemed to give the exact measures for how to properly <em>do</em> the thing. James had probably read everything ever scribbled on theory, but when it came to implementation, the books were fuzzy and vague.</p><p>The thing about becoming an Animagus was that it was a bit complicated…and a bit illegal. Well, not illegal exactly, but you had to register yourself with the Ministry of Magic, which was not something James had any intention of doing. Secrecy for this mission was essential, which meant his options for learning were limited to books, and here he had hit a dead end.</p><p>James scratched his nose and ran a finger along the wall of text, looking for anything new. He stopped suddenly and straightened his glasses as a phrase caught his eye: <em>The Infallible Animagus</em>. He had seen that before, in the bibliography of another book at the school library. He hadn’t been able to find it in the stacks though, which meant it was probably in the Restricted Section. This was bad luck because you needed a professor’s approval to get a book from there, and professors very rarely approved of anything James Potter did.</p><p>Nonetheless, he flagged the page in the book and carried on with his reading.  </p><p>It had been several years since James first got the bug in his brain to become an Animagus. The ability to turn into an animal at will, apart from simply being really cool, seemed like the perfect solution to his most perplexing problem.</p><p>The problem went something like this: At school, James had three best friends: Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin. The four boys shared a dormitory, which suited them marvelously, as it provided a ready-made private headquarters to plan their mischief (of which they made much). It also meant that, living in such close quarters, it was very difficult to keep secrets from each other.</p><p>Remus had learned this the hard way. Because the thing was, Remus Lupin had a very big secret. Though James and Sirius had bonded from the first moment they met, it took a bit longer for the others, shy and awkward creatures as they’d been. But James had been intrigued by the quiet boy who shared his dormitory, a boy who was at once so guarded, and yet so clearly desperate to make friends. James appreciated his sense of humor, which was clever and sharp and often surprising, such that his victim didn’t get the joke until Remus was several paces away. It wasn’t long before Remus, and then Peter, were assimilated into the Gryffindor gang that now comprised of four. </p><p>But Remus Lupin kept disappearing. Once a month, every month, he was just gone…and when he came back…well, he rather looked like he’d been attacked by an angry hippogriff. By their second year, the boys had figured it out. Being only twelve, they had not yet developed the sense of incredulity that would make adults laugh and look for another explanation. Because the thing was, Remus Lupin was a werewolf.</p><p>“Cool,” Sirius had said when Remus at last confirmed their suspicions.</p><p>But it wasn’t cool. Not really. James had been watching for four years as his friend went off by himself into some secret agony. There was nothing he could do, short of bringing lots of sweets to the hospital wing the next morning, and it was driving him mad.</p><p>Peter was the one who gave him the idea. One morning, after a particularly rough full moon, Peter, Sirius, and James were all sitting around Remus’s bed in the hospital wing, when Peter blurted out: “I wish we were all werewolves, then we could just go with you.”</p><p>Remus did not like this much, saying it was a terrible thing to wish, but the idea stuck in James’s head. No, they couldn’t become werewolves, of course. But…why couldn’t they go with him? What if they became some other sort of animal? Werewolves couldn’t hurt other animals, you see. Couldn’t turn them, at least. If they became animals, they could go along with Remus when he transformed and — well, he didn’t know exactly what they would do, but then at least he wouldn’t have to be alone.</p><p>James hated being alone.</p><p>He glanced at his watch: Forty-five minutes to go.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>At eleven o’clock, James decided he couldn’t wait any longer. Shoving a useless text back on the shelf, he marched to the kitchen. He would have to travel by Floo, unlike Sirius, who lived in town and enjoyed using the Muggle Underground. James had been on the Underground exactly once — last summer, with Sirius — and he’d found it far more disconcerting to hurtle through tunnels below the city than through something sensible, like chimneys.</p><p>Collecting the small velvet sachet his mother kept on a hook by the hearth, James dispensed a pinch of shimmering powder into his palm and threw it into the fire. The fireplace burst with green flames; James stepped through, proclaimed “Diagon Alley!” and went spinning into the blurred network of grates.</p><p>He stepped out onto the warm stone hearth of the Leaky Cauldron. The pub was dimly lit and rather emptier than James was used to seeing it, but he supposed it <em>was</em> rather early in the day. Of course, that didn’t stop him from trying to convince the bartender to serve him something stronger than butterbeer.</p><p>“You forget, son, I know your parents,” the bartender growled, though he looked amused.</p><p>“Bad luck,” said a voice behind him. “Guess you’ve still got your baby face.”</p><p>James spun on his heel. Sirius Black was grinning at him, hands stuffed into pockets, slouching in a pair of Muggle jeans and a t-shirt. He looked taller — which was annoying — and, as always, cool. James was delighted to see him. With a galumphing cry, he threw his arms around his friend and pulled him into a hug.</p><p>“All right, all right. Keep it in your pants, mate,” said Sirius, laughing as he pushed him off.</p><p>James grinned. “Two butterbeers, then,” he told the bartender, who handed them each a foaming mug. “Blimey, I’ve missed you,” said James as they settled into a pair of shabby armchairs across the pub. “This might go down in history as the most boring summer yet.”</p><p>“Tell me about it. I thought I was going to claw my own face off.”</p><p>“At least it’s almost over, eh?”</p><p>“Cheers to that.” Sirius let out a short, mirthless laugh. “You know, the bitch threatened not to let me go back to school this year.”</p><p>
  <em>“What?”</em>
</p><p>“Yeah, something about it being better to have a drop-out for a son than a blood traitor. I dunno, I tuned her out.” He took a swig of his drink. “Like she could stop me.”</p><p>James frowned, observing his friend closely from behind his butterbeer. He was troubled to see the same lines of misery from their last conversation still etched onto Sirius’s face, and there was something hollow about his voice that was unsettling.</p><p>“Well,” said James, “never mind that nonsense. Next summer, I have a plan: I’m just going to steal you off the train before Walburga can get her greedy little hands on you. Can’t exile you to the country if they can’t find you.”</p><p>Sirius snorted. “Uh huh. Sure.”</p><p>“I mean it! It’s not technically kidnapping if it’s another kid doing the napping, right?”</p><p>“Cute.”</p><p>“You think I’m joking, but no court would convict me. Besides, I think I could make a very compelling case for legally adopting you. You may call me ‘Papa.’”</p><p>Sirius choked on his butterbeer. “First of all, you prat, I’m older than you.”</p><p>“Minor legal complication,” agreed James. “Second of all?”</p><p>“Second of all…” Sirius shook his head and a grin spread across his face. There he was, his old friend. “Second of all, I’ve missed you, you fucking idiot.”</p><p>James beamed.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>They finished their drinks and headed towards the shops. Both boys had already done their school shopping — or rather, their mothers had ordered their things — but they still found plenty to look at, lingering for a particularly long time in the cluttered corridors of Gambol and Jape’s, the joke shop, restocking their arsenal for the year. Quite a few items in this shop had been banned at Hogwarts thanks to the efforts of the Gryffindor boys, and this was something of a point of pride.</p><p>After the joke shop, James dragged Sirius to Quality Quidditch Supplies, where he spent rather too much time waxing poetic over the various broomstick models. James had a theory that he could make Sirius care more about Quidditch through exposure and sheer force of will, although four years of this treatment had not made much difference. Sirius’s eyes glazed with boredom as James went on about the tailwind of the latest Comet model, and eventually James relented and suggested they move on to Flourish &amp; Blott’s. He wanted to see if they had any new books on Animagi that might be useful in their quest.</p><p>Sirius was skeptical. “We’ve been looking for years, and you really think Flourish &amp; Blott’s just happened to get something in with their latest shipment on Tuesday?”</p><p>“What can I say?” shrugged James. “I’m an optimist.”</p><p>The bookstore was the most crowded shop they’d visited yet, stuffed with students and their parents doing last minute shopping for school, but James plowed through the masses straight back to the Transfiguration section. He’d been here more than a few times this summer and knew his way around. “All right,” he told Sirius, “I’ll take this aisle, you take the one over there.”</p><p>And so James moseyed up and down the aisle, checking the spines of books for anything of interest, anything he hadn’t already read, but he was disappointed. He decided to try the next row.</p><p>As he rounded the corner, something in the aisle across from him pulled his attention from the rows of spines. A red-haired girl dressed in Muggle clothes had her nose so deep in a book she might’ve been smelling it. A smirk spread across James’s face. It was Lily Evans. She was a classmate and one of his and Sirius’s favorite people to annoy. This was mostly because it was so easy to wind her up, but also because she was friends with James’s arch nemesis, a boy called Severus Snape.</p><p>He sauntered over. He couldn’t help himself.</p><p>“Having an intimate moment, are we?”</p><p>She looked up from her book, and he was pleased to see her cheeks flushing red. Back in third year, he and Sirius had devised a competition to see who could get Evans’ face to match her hair. <em>Ten points for the ears…</em></p><p>“Oh,” she said, sounding very unimpressed. “It’s you.”</p><p>“Nice to see you too.” James leaned casually against the bookshelf and began to leaf through a crisp, leather-bound tome. “Forgive me if I don’t kiss it,” he said, motioning to the book. “See, I like to keep my relationship with literature purely platonic. Too much heartbreak.”</p><p>Lily placed the book she’d been sniffing back onto the shelf and gave him a deliberate looking over. He felt a twinge of self-consciousness at her gaze and ran a hand through his hair.</p><p>“You must get so bored over the summer,” she said at last, “without the usual suspects to torment.”</p><p>James laughed. “You have no idea. And clearly you’ve missed school. Sniffing books. Going through withdrawal from all the swotting, are you?”</p><p>“Well, you know what they say. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Funny how it doesn’t seem to work with you.”</p><p>“Charming,” said James.</p><p>They glowered at each other for a moment, James smirking and Lily scowling, but then Sirius’s voice came floating from the other aisle: “Oi, did you find anything?” </p><p>“Not yet,” called James in return. “But come see what I found instead.”</p><p>Sirius strolled around the corner, his bored expression mingling with faint surprise at the sight of their classmate. “Oh. Hullo, Evans.”</p><p>“Black,” said Lily, and she looked even less pleased to see him than she had James.</p><p>James couldn’t help but think that a good round of Evans-baiting would cheer his friend up immensely, but Sirius didn’t seem very interested. “So did you find anything or not?”</p><p>“Nothing,” sighed James, with a despondent glance back at the shelves. He’d abandoned his hunt to come annoy Lily Evans, but he knew there was nothing there. The words <em>Infallible Animagus</em> were still humming in his brain. That was the book he needed, he knew it.</p><p>“Told you so,” said Sirius.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah. The pessimist is proven right. The world is a dark and unforgiving place. Huzzah.”</p><p>“What are you looking for?” asked Lily, who had been listening to this exchange with a curious expression. Oops. James shot a warning glance at Sirius. The last thing they needed was nosy Lily Evans trying to figure out what they were up to. They’d already had Severus Snape on their case for years. </p><p>“A book,” said James lightly. “We <em>are</em> in a bookstore, you see. I reckon you’re familiar with the concept, what with all the page-sniffing.”</p><p>It worked. Lily rolled her eyes, and they were back to verbal sparring. “Do you have to practice being so insufferable, or does it just come naturally?”</p><p>“What can I say, it’s a gift.”</p><p>“If it were my gift, I’d ask for a receipt.” And with a dismissive look she scooped up the stack of books at her feet and began to walk away, but then Sirius called after her: “See you later, Penny Prefect.”</p><p>This stopped Lily in her tracks. She glanced back over her shoulder. “Who told you I was made a prefect?”</p><p>Sirius smirked. “You did, just now. Bet you’re awfully chuffed. Tough luck, though. We’ve got one on our side this year.” He clapped James on the back victoriously, and James grinned, pleased that Sirius had picked up the sport.</p><p>Lily’s expression turned to pure horror. “Not you—!”</p><p>Both boys erupted into laughter. </p><p>“Merlin, can you imagine?”</p><p>“Dumbledore would have to be mad. No, Lupin.”</p><p>“Oh,” Lily sighed, clearly relieved. “And I suppose you think he’ll let you get away with everything?”</p><p>“Er…obviously,” said James.</p><p>“Well, it’s a good thing there are two prefects, then.”</p><p>“Oh yes,” agreed Sirius with a solemn nod. “Thank Merlin, Penny Prefect is on the job. You’re not going to stalk us, are you? I know you can’t get enough of my lad James here, but that would be a slight abuse of power, don’t you think?”</p><p>“Oooh, I get it. Because I’m so obsessed with you.” Lily Evans made eye-rolling look a professional sport. “Aren’t you boys ever going to grow up?”</p><p>“Not if I can help it,” said Sirius.</p><p>“All right, Peter Pan. This has been fun, but I’ve got to go meet someone I actually like. Give my love to the other lost boys. Oh, and Potter? No hard feelings, right?”</p><p>James looked at her blankly. “What?”</p><p>“For when you try and sabotage me as a prefect, and in retaliation I end up assigning detentions during every Quidditch practice? All’s fair, right?”</p><p>This shut him up for a moment. James narrowed his eyes. “You know,” he said slowly. “I don’t think you’ve got the nerve.”</p><p>She smiled. “Let’s find out.”</p><p>“You mess with Quidditch and you’ll have the whole house against you.”</p><p>“Gee, wonder what that’s like.” A small laugh, soft and derisive. “God knows after last year Gryffindor needs all the practice it can get. Best not to piss me off, then. Enjoy the rest of your summer, boys.” And with a final, taut smile, she turned on her heel and walked away.</p><p>James glared after her, feeling unreasonably irritated. Gryffindor’s embarrassing defeat last term was still a sore subject.</p><p>“She’s all talk,” said Sirius with a dismissive wave, turning back to the books. “Hey, here’s one:<em> Animagus Unveiled.</em>”</p><p>“No, I’ve read that,” said James grumpily, pulling his lingering gaze back to his friend. “It’s mostly about the legal stuff…boring. What’s the point? I’ve read all of these.”</p><p>Sirius arched an eyebrow. “You’ve been busy.”</p><p>“It’s been a long summer.”</p><p>
  
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Welcome to the first book of The Last Enemy series! I'm so happy you're here. Just a few quick notes that may be helpful down the road...</p><p>This story is canon-compliant to the best of my ability and belief. It is, of course, merely my own interpretation of these characters and events. Each chapter is told through a different POV. I have made every effort to treat each character as a complex human, neither wholly good nor wholly evil — and that includes Severus Snape, who is important to this story (and fascinating to me, personally). That said, if you are a Snape fan who prefers to read him exclusively as the Marauders’ innocent victim, this is a friendly heads up that this may not be the fanfic for you. But if you're interested in a story about a complicated, morally-uncertain young man making increasingly poor choices, read on!</p><p>Finally, if you have any questions or concerns (such as tags/triggers), please feel free to reach out to me in the comments or on <a href="https://chdarling-tle.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a>. I promise I'm nice. :)</p><p>Thanks so much for reading. I’m excited to share this story with you!</p>
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<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Millworker's Son</h2></a>
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<h1>LILY</h1><hr/><h2>The Millworker's Son</h2><p>A strange mixture of irritation and elation rose in Lily Evans’ chest as she pushed her way through the crowded aisles of Flourish &amp; Blott’s and joined the queue to pay for her books. The appearance of James Potter and Sirius Black had definitely dampened her day, yet she couldn’t help but feel rather pleased with herself. She had held her own against them and come out victorious.</p><p>Never mind that she had practiced that confrontation in her head all summer. She didn’t like to admit how much space those boys took up in her brain, even when she wasn’t at school, but she’d known they’d give her grief about being a prefect — they gave her grief about everything — and she couldn’t resist winning a few imaginary arguments in her own head, usually while simmering in the bath. </p><p>And never mind that she’d still flushed deep crimson when Potter had startled her, just like he’d known she would. (<em>Ten points for the ears</em>…she was well aware of their mean little game.) Or that she had felt so damn self-conscious, standing there in her Muggle clothes with her stack of tatty, second-hand books, facing off against those two. (Sirius Black, arguably the richest boy in school, had probably never even <em>touched</em> a second-hand book.)</p><p>None of that mattered, because she had been able to walk away with her head held high and her dignity intact. That was worth everything, with those boys. She’d even — impossibly — had the last word. And the look on Potter’s face when she had threatened to give him detention during Quidditch! Oh, it had been delicious. It was an empty threat, of course — they both knew she’d never actually do it — but it was her threat to make, and it annoyed him, and that felt good.</p><p>“That’ll be six galleons and seven knuts, miss.”</p><p>Pulled from her celebratory musings, Lily suppressed a sigh as she dug in her purse for the necessary coins, emptying it of all but a few solitary sickles. </p><p>She had taken up a summer job at the Railview Inn to help pay for her books this year. She’d worked all summer clearing tables at the restaurant and it was still just barely enough. Her dad proudly gave her money each year for school, but the pound to galleon exchange rate had grown so lopsided that this contribution barely covered a set of standard potion supplies. She didn’t have the heart to tell him this, of course. She told him the job was good for her, and it was. It kept her busy, kept her from spending the whole summer doing nothing but haunting the corners of their now-hollow home. Dad had his sermons to distract him, and Petunia had her friends. But Lily? Lily had nothing to do all summer in Cokeworth but stew in memory. So she spent all her time working at the Railview Inn and told her dad it was for ‘fun money.’</p><p>The shop bell chimed merrily as she stepped out into the sunlit streets of Diagon Alley. It wasn’t a complete lie, she reasoned, her shopping bag swinging with a satisfactory heft. Her school books <em>were</em> fun — to her, anyway. Black and Potter liked to tease her for being an over-earnest swot — where they got off, she didn’t know, as those two were consistently top of the class — and all right, she <em>did</em> spend a lot of time in the library, and fine, she supposed she <em>did</em> always have her nose stuck in a book, but how couldn’t she, with books like these?</p><p>Growing up as a Muggle, she’d always been a voracious reader. These things tend to happen to a child who isn’t allowed to play with the neighbors because she accidentally turned their dog blue. But ever since she’d discovered she was a witch…why, there weren’t enough hours in the day for all the books she wanted to read, all the things she wanted to learn. How could anyone not be fascinated by books about spells and potions and enchantments and dragons? Honestly, wizards took so much for granted. </p><p>The sun beat down upon her back as she wandered aimlessly past glimmering shopfronts, but they were less enticing now that her purse was nearly empty. She debated going to get an ice cream. She shouldn’t. She should save her money — she’d still need some at school — but the idea was awfully enticing. It was very hot, and she still had god knows how long to wait…maybe she’d just walk that way and see what the specials were…</p><p>But as she continued down the lane towards Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlor, the crowd began to tangle to a tight knot. Lily perched on the tips of her toes to see what was happening. There was some sort of gathering up ahead. A man was standing on a small platform, brandishing a copy of the <em>Daily Prophet</em> and shouting. He was young, probably in his late twenties, with a slight paunch and a mop of reddish brown curls. His features, which might’ve otherwise been described as soft, were set in hard, furious lines. She couldn’t make out what he was saying, but the crowd did not seem to like it. Curious, she pushed forward.</p><p>The curly-haired man seemed to have been delivering some sort of oratory but was now locked in an argument with a ragged-looking witch in the crowd.</p><p>“They take all our bleedin’ jobs!” shouted the witch. “‘Ow am I s’posed to feed my children if we keep givin’ all our jobs to them Muggles?”</p><p>“You’re equating non-magical people with those born of them!” said the curly-haired man in frustration. “Muggle-borns are magical and every bit as deserving of employment as —”</p><p>There was a roar of disapproval from the crowd.</p><p>“If there aren’t enough jobs to go around,” the man tried again, “it’s because the magical world operates on an economic theory straight out of the Middle Ages, for the love of Merlin! Whose fault is that?”</p><p>“The money-grubbing goblins, I’d say!” shouted someone from the crowd.</p><p>The curly-haired man was losing his temper. “That’s exactly the sort of attitude that keeps us stagnant! Until the magical community is willing to grapple with the inequality inherent in its system of governance, we’ll never—”</p><p>But the man was drowned out by the jeers and laughter of the crowd, which was quickly becoming more mob-like in both appearance and attitude. “What’s next, squib rights?” sneered someone from behind her. Lily glanced around, suddenly very conscious of her Muggle clothing. A pockmarked man a few feet away leered at her. Then, someone slipped a hand into hers. She turned sharply, but breathed a sigh of relief as she peered into the pale face of Severus Snape.</p><p>“C’mon,” he muttered. “I don’t think we should be here right now.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“I thought you were going to wait for me in the bookstore.”</p><p>They were outside now, back in London, the din of Diagon Alley swallowed up by the little pub that served as portal between the worlds of magic and Muggle. Charing Cross Road stretched onward before them. The hot, sticky scent of garbage wafted from bins along the brick wall behind them.</p><p>Lily made a face. “I thought <em>you</em> weren’t going to take very long pawning off your illegal goods.”</p><p>“They’re not illegal,” Severus protested automatically. “They just have a very particular market, that’s all.”</p><p>“Obviously, since you had to take them to Knockturn Alley to sell them.”</p><p>“Not everything in Knockturn Alley is illegal. That’s very small-minded of you.”</p><p>Lily rolled her eyes. “You know I’m just annoyed because you said I couldn’t come along, right?”</p><p>“I wasn’t — it’s not that — I mean, you’re wearing Muggle clothes.”</p><p>Severus was also wearing Muggle clothes, but the difference, she supposed, was that he didn’t look like he belonged in them. He never had. From the moment she’d met him at age eleven, Severus had always had the distinct look of someone who did not belong in the Muggle world. Someone magical. This was a quality that Severus apparently felt Lily lacked.</p><p>“It’s not that I didn’t want you to come, it’s just there are some people in Knockturn Alley who wouldn’t — I mean —”</p><p>“I know, I know,” Lily cut him off, suddenly tired of the conversation. “Have you got a fag?”</p><p>Severus fumbled in the pockets of his torn trousers and pulled out a pack of cheap cigarettes. He handed her one and lit it with a small plastic lighter. Normally they’d use a wand, but underage students weren’t allowed to use magic outside of school. Lily herself had already received a few less-than-friendly reminders of this from the Ministry of Magic over the years.</p><p>“Bless you,” she said, exhaling deeply after a long drag. “You sure she doesn’t mind, your mum? You selling her things?”</p><p>Severus, busy lighting his own cigarette, did not look up. “Doubt she’s noticed.”</p><p>“Don’t you think you should tell her?”</p><p>Severus let out a disdainful snort. “She won’t miss them. And my dad certainly won’t. Besides, I have to buy my school supplies somehow.”</p><p>Lily could hardly argue with that. Hadn’t she taken up a summer job for the same purpose? Of course, that was somewhat different from pilfering your mother’s magical belongings for profit, but what other options did he have, really? The very quality that made Severus able to walk unbothered through the streets of Knockturn Alley made it infinitely more difficult for him to pass in Cokeworth. The Muggles knew something was off about him; they just didn’t know it was magic.</p><p>Lily was very curious about Severus’s mum. She was a witch, after all. A witch who had married a Muggle man from Cokeworth, of all places. Lily thought there must be an interesting story there, but Severus never talked about his parents if he could help it. What little Lily knew came from a glimpse through a door nearly five years ago.</p><p>It had been a few days after she’d first met him, on that little playground in Cokeworth. Severus had shown up, looking strange in too-short trousers and a ludicrously large coat. He’d told her she was a witch and then called Petunia a Muggle. Neither of the girls had known what that meant, but assuming it was an insult, they’d stormed off. However, his words had echoed in her brain…</p><p>
  <em>“It’s obvious, isn’t it? You’re…you’re a witch."</em>
</p><p>From a young age, Lily had known she could do strange things. Strange things that scared Petunia and troubled her parents. What if was true? she’d thought. What if she <em>was</em> a witch?</p><p>She’d shown up at Spinner’s End a few days later. It was the rough part of town, and she’d had to knock on several doors before she’d found him, but eventually, at the very end of the row, Severus had opened the door.</p><p>He had looked smaller than before, framed in the crack between door and jamb. He’d been half-delighted, half-horrified to see her. From within the house, she’d heard yelling, a woman’s rasping shriek and the harsh guttural obscenities of a man filled with rage.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” he'd whispered.</p><p>“I — I want to know more about being a witch,” she’d said uncertainly, glancing over his shoulder again. He’d flinched.</p><p>“I can’t talk now. Meet me on the playground. Tomorrow.” And then he’d slammed the door shut.</p><p>Lily had never been to his home since.</p><p>A slice of sharp words cut through the street, pulling her thoughts back to the present. The Leaky Cauldron’s door burst open and a few harried-looking witches rushed out. Lily cast a nervous glance into the pub as the door swung shut, and her mind was suddenly drawn back to Diagon Alley, to the jeering crowd, the frightened expression of the curly-haired man as he realized the situation was getting out of control…</p><p>Lily stubbed her cigarette on the brick wall as casually as she could and said to Severus: “Let’s keep moving, shall we?”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>They spent the rest of their afternoon poking around the Muggle bookstores and record shops off Charing Cross Road. Severus had very little interest in anything Muggle-related, but he was a good sport. And besides, neither of them was in a hurry to return home. </p><p>The record shops were a bit depressing to Lily. Even if she’d had the spare cash, there was no point in buying her favorite records: She couldn’t play them at school. Mary Macdonald, a fellow Gryffindor, had sneaked in a record player last year, with the hopes of charming it into working, but try as the two girls might, they had no success.</p><p>“That’s because there’s too much magic around,” Severus told her when she’d complained. “Muggle things don’t work around magic.”</p><p>“Yes, I know,” Lily sighed. “But a girl can dream.”</p><p>While the books of the magical world were wonderful, its music did not match up. The tunes that wafted from the Wizarding Wireless were stodgy and stale, and whenever her classmates switched on the radio, Lily often felt as though she’d been transported back to the 1950s. It was 1975, thank you very much, and all she wanted was to dance to David Bowie or Queen. Hell, she’d settle for the Beatles most days. But alas, it looked like it was going to be another year of nothing but Celestina Warbeck and the bloody Hobgoblins.</p><p>Eventually, to both their dismay, it was time to head home. Lily’s imaginary shift was nearly over, and her dad would be expecting her. She hadn’t told him she’d taken off work to come to London today. It wasn’t that she thought he’d make a great fuss, it was just easier not to offer reassurances, not to have to explain about the Knight Bus, the triple-decker, outrageously purple Wizarding bus that hopped around the country in a thoroughly unnatural manner. Her father was supportive of her magic, but he struggled with it sometimes. </p><p>You would think, Lily mused as she and Severus climbed aboard the bus, that her father being a vicar, a man of the church, meant he might struggle less with the unknown and mysterious, but George Evans had always been a thoroughly logical man. And a bus that could travel from London to Manchester in mere moments did not fit into that logical worldview. So Lily had told him she was working today, simply because it was easier.</p><p>BANG.</p><p>With a jolt, the Knight Bus leapt from the crowded streets of London to somewhere near the South Downs, and Lily and Severus found themselves barreling along a frighteningly narrow road, clipping bits of hedge as a lorry sped by. </p><p>The Knight Bus was not Lily’s preferred way to travel, nor was it the most efficient, but it did in the end get you from one place to another. That was about all that could be said for it. But as neither she nor Severus were old enough to apparate, and as neither of their homes were connected to the Floo Network, it was the only option. Severus, of course, had been the one to introduce her to it. He had introduced her to most things in the magical world.</p><p>The bus was nearly empty today, save for a witch who boarded outside Bath and an older Warlock who kept shooting lecherous glances at Lily from a few seats away. Severus, who was peering out the window, didn’t seem to notice. Not for the first time that day, Lily wished she wasn’t wearing Muggle clothing. She smoothed the pleats of her skirt self-consciously, then, eager to avoid the gaze of the leering Warlock, she picked up a discarded copy of the <em>Daily Prophet</em> that had fluttered near her seat with the bus’s last leap. A headline blared out at her:</p><p> </p>
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    <strong>MINISTRY INSISTS DEATH EATER THREAT OVERBLOWN</strong>
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    <em>Eugenia Jenkins, Minister for Magic, once again decried reports of increased Dark activity in Britain as grossly exaggerated, insisting the general public has nothing to fear. “These stories are rumor-mongering and irresponsible,” Jenkins told reporters Saturday afternoon. “There have been a few isolated incidents with the group that refer to themselves as ‘Death Eaters,’ but nothing on the scale that has been suggested by the media. The Ministry of Magic has everything under control, thank you very much, and I would implore responsible journalists not to stir up a panic over such nonsense.”</em>
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    <em>Whether the ‘nonsense’ Jenkins refers to includes the most recent attack in Salisbury or the grisly and well-publicized murder of a Muggle family in Leeds remains unclear as Jenkins quickly retreated to her office and refused further comment. </em></p>
  <p><em>Though many Ministry officials have praised Jenkins for her calm despite the storm, Harmonia Lufkin, Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, has publicly clashed with the Minister for Magic on the issue. “In the past year alone, we have seen a significant uptick in magical attacks throughout Britain,” said Lufkin, “and though it may be easy for most wizards to ignore, given the primary targets are Muggles, these attacks will continue to escalate if left unchallenged.”</em>
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    <em>Though Jenkins has promised the Department of Magical Law Enforcement more resources to combat the growing threat, Lufkin claims it is not enough.  “The time has come for comprehensive legislation aimed at protecting our most vulnerable neighbors and citizens: the Muggles of Britain.”</em>
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    <em>Lufkin’s proposed ‘Muggle Protection Act’ has been controversial throughout the halls of the Ministry and beyond. Abraxas Malfoy, who has been an outspoken opponent of Lufkin’s legislation, derided the initiative as “alarmist twaddle that insults the very foundations of our noble Wizarding history.”</em>
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BANG.</p><p>The paper flew from Lily’s lap as the bus jumped another hundred kilometers, charging down the M4. It landed, most unfortunately, by the feet of the leering Warlock, where she decided to leave it.</p><p>Lily didn’t get the <em>Daily Prophet</em> at home, so she was a bit out of the loop. She hadn’t heard anything about an attack in Salisbury or Muggle murders in Leeds. Her thoughts once more were pulled back to Diagon Alley, and the curly-haired man…</p><p>“How come you left, anyway?”</p><p>Lily was yanked away from the memory by Severus’s question. “What?” </p><p>“Flourish &amp; Blott’s. I’ve never known you to get bored in a bookstore.”</p><p>“Oh,” said Lily, rolling her eyes. “I ran into some old friends.”</p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>“Black and Potter.”</p><p>“Oh.” Severus’s expression clouded considerably. He liked those two boys even less than Lily. “What did they want?”</p><p>“Just being their usual charming selves. They’re all pleased because Remus Lupin’s the other Gryffindor prefect, so they reckon they’re off the hook this year.”</p><p>Severus sneered. “Lupin? A prefect? Well, I guess Gryffindor isn’t exactly spoilt for choice.”</p><p>“Better Remus Lupin than Sirius Black,” said Lily firmly. “Everyone thought it would be him. I did too — because of his surname. But I guess that doesn’t matter as much in Gryffindor.”</p><p>She said this proudly, and Severus let out the faintest snort of derision.  Lily chose to ignore it. Their respective houses — Gryffindor and Slytherin — would for many students at Hogwarts be an insurmountable challenge to friendship, but they had always made it a point not to let school rivalries come between them. Lily wasn’t about to start now. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Twenty very queasy minutes later, the Knight Bus skidded to a halt in Cokeworth, and the two friends debarked.</p><p>Cokeworth was quite possibly the least magical place Lily could imagine. It was a town made up of crooked alleys and dark, dingy terraced homes, all watched over by the great smoking mill of Spinner’s End, where Severus lived.</p><p>As they stepped off the bus, Lily noticed how instantaneously Severus’s demeanor changed. Here on the sooty streets of Cokeworth, he was smaller, angrier, defensive. </p><p>“Wish they could’ve dropped us off right at Hogwarts instead,” muttered Severus, wrapping his arms around his chest and glaring at the mill.</p><p>“Won’t be long,” said Lily. Then, after a pause, she ventured: “How are things? At home?”</p><p>“Same as always.”</p><p>“They’re still on strike, yeah?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>The mill workers’ strike had been hovering over Cokeworth like a dark storm cloud, threatening to burst but never quite managing it, until finally in July the heavens split, the storm came, and Cokeworth was just another name on the long lists of strikes that were plaguing England that summer. Severus’s father had been unemployed for weeks.</p><p>“Dad says they’re shutting down the mill. For good.”</p><p>“What?” said Lily, aghast. “They can’t! That would ruin Cokeworth. That’s…that’s half the people employed here. More than half. That’s all of Spinner’s End!</p><p>“Like a bunch of a fascist swine in London give a fuck about Spinner’s End.”</p><p>“They just <em>can’t</em>.”</p><p>Severus shrugged. “We’ll see. Not like I care. In a year and a half I’ll be of age, and then I’m out of this shite-hole for good. Never looking back.”</p><p>“Sev.”</p><p>“I mean it.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>They stood quiet for a moment in the shadow of the mill. </p><p>“I’ve got to get back,” said Lily. “I’ll see you soon, Sev. At school!”</p><p>Severus shoved his fists into his pockets. “Yeah. See you.”</p><p>And he took off down Spinner’s End, looking small and angry.</p><p>Lily sighed and began the walk back to her own house on Bobbin Street, down the path that led along the dirty, twisting river, past the grubby playground where she’d met Sev all those years ago, down the back lanes with their rubbish bins and should-be-white sheets hung out to dry, billowing like sails in the wind.</p><p>She reached her house, where the little garden she’d planted last summer was growing wilder than ever. It had been a form of self-therapy, this garden, and she’d filled it with all her mother’s favorites: lavender and basil and mint and marjoram…but also a few plants that Petunia did not approve of like feverfew and mugwort.</p><p>“Nasty, ratty-looking plant,” Petunia had complained.</p><p>Lily had started to point out that mugwort was excellent for use in invigoration potions, but she stopped herself. Why bother?</p><p>After pausing briefly to deadhead a few buds and rub a sprig of mint between her fingers, she pushed through the front door. It smelled of roast chicken — her mother’s favorite meal to cook — and for some reason, for no reason at all, this warm aroma sent her spinning down spirals of memory, confronting her with the house’s emptiness, its wrongness.</p><p>It had happened last summer. The illness had come on so quickly during Lily’s third year at Hogwarts, while she was too far away to do anything about it. What could she have done? She’d been thirteen and not even a proper witch. Still, she’d spent hours in the library, trying to find a potion, a spell, anything that would heal her mother…but the doctors didn’t even know what was wrong, until it was too late.</p><p>When Lily had arrived home for summer, her mother was practically gone, confined to bed, weak and suffering. Lily had spent that whole summer curled in the crook of her mother’s arm, whispering stories of Hogwarts and magic because her mother loved them…planting the garden because her mother loved the smell of lavender, and Lily would bring it up to her room in bushels…</p><p>Until the funeral. Sickly sweet smell of chrysanthemums and lilies. Funeral flowers. Sympathy flowers. Death flowers. Two sisters standing on either side of their weeping father, as the casket was lowered into the dry August earth… </p><p>The sound of an oven clanging shut pulled Lily back to the present, and she slipped off her shoes, scolding herself for getting swept away. She headed towards the kitchen, where she could hear the radio droning: “Authorities have promised a thorough inquiry following the gas explosion in Manchester last week that claimed the lives of dozens. Public officials have urged calm, saying there is no danger to the general public…” </p><p>“Absolutely ridiculous,” said Petunia. “I hope someone gets sacked. You know Betty Parks told me — oh,” she had noticed Lily enter the room. “There you are.”</p><p>Petunia clicked off the radio.</p><p>The kitchen was a small, cramped affair. An ancient cooker hissed next to a deep enamel sink, and a squat dresser was pushed against the opposite wall, displaying Mrs. Evans’ favorite china. A scrubbed wooden table took up the rest of the floorspace, and this was where Lily’s father currently sat, reading a newspaper</p><p>“How was work, love?” he asked, glancing up from his paper.</p><p>“Oh, fine,” lied Lily. “D’you know what I heard today? They’re talking of closing down the mill!”</p><p>“Good,” said Petunia, fussing with a pair of tongs. “Maybe this town will stink a little less.”</p><p>“It’s not good!” said Lily hotly. “It will ruin people’s lives! They’ve got every right to strike — and I don’t understand why they can’t pay them a living wage to start with! Have you seen how they have to live down at Spinner’s End?”</p><p>“Been talking to your boyfriend, have you?” sneered Petunia. She had never liked Severus.</p><p>“He’s not my boyfriend, and that’s not the point—”</p><p>“My sister, the socialist,” sighed Petunia, setting the roast chicken down on the table.</p><p>Lily flared. “My sister, the fascist!” </p><p>“Girls.”</p><p>Both Lily and Petunia stopped and turned to their father. He looked tired, as he always did these days, deep lines of sorrow and age grooved into his face. Lily immediately felt guilty, and Petunia shot her a disdainful look that said:<em> Look what you did now.</em></p><p>“Let’s just have a nice, quiet supper and be grateful for what we have, shall we?”</p><p>The two sisters took their seats on either side of their father. The empty chair for their mother was a presence of its own.</p><p>“Grace,” said her father. </p><p>The girls sat in solemn silence as their father bowed his head over their meal.</p><p>“Give us grateful hearts, O Father, for all thy mercies…”</p><p>Lily turned and stuck her tongue out at Petunia.</p><p>“And make us mindful of the needs of others…”</p><p>Petunia made a face at Lily.</p><p>“Through Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen.”</p><p>“Amen,” said the girls.</p><p>
  
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Brothers Black</h2></a>
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<h1>SIRIUS</h1>
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<h2>The Brothers Black</h2><p>The platform at Charing Cross Station was steamy with the end-of-summer heatwave, and Sirius could almost taste the sweat of Muggle commuters as he elbowed his way onto a crammed carriage of the Northern Tube line. He and James had parted at the Leaky Cauldron, the latter clapping him on the back and saying something vaguely encouraging like, “Chin up, nearly there.” So here Sirius stood on the Muggle Tube, clutching a sweat-slicked pole and swaying slightly as the train rattled through a long, dark tunnel. Sirius had gotten rather good at the Tube; not for nothing had he taken two years of Muggle Studies. It was true that he’d only signed up for the class to infuriate his mother, but nonetheless, he had to admit he found Muggles fascinating. Weird as hell, but fascinating.</p><p>Still, his mood sunk with every stop. He hadn’t wanted to leave, and James would’ve been happy to linger for hours on end, but dinner was approaching and if Sirius wanted to get back in the house unnoticed he only had a slim window of time.</p><p>At last, the train ground to a halt, a crisp voice announced, “Finsbury Park,” and Sirius stepped onto the platform with a group of laughing Muggle girls, all of whom, he noticed, were wearing impossibly short skirts. He followed them out of the station, watching with interest at the way the cotton fabric inched up their thighs as they climbed the stairs to Seven Sister’s Road. You’d never see a witch in that sort of getup. Witches all wore long skirts and stodgy robes and honorable cuffs. Muggles could be quite wonderful. Weird as hell, but wonderful.</p><p>As they reached the exit, one of the girls turned back towards him and called, “Take a picture, pretty boy. It’ll last longer.” And then they took off, giggling madly.</p><p>From here, it was only a short walk back to his home, but Sirius made it last as long as he could, lingering by dusty old storefronts and keeping a pace at which a tortoise might scoff. Despite this effort, he soon arrived at the little square in which number twelve Grimmauld Place hid.</p><p>‘Hid’ was the correct word, as the grand house was completely invisible to Muggles, and most magical people too. Sirius’s father was a paranoid old bastard who had placed upon his home every anti-Muggle security spell he could imagine. Sirius wasn’t sure why his parents were so convinced the Muggles would be banging at their door, but he suspected a traumatic incident with a door-to-door salesman. As a result, the place was Unplottable, among other things, which meant you had to know where it was in order to find it. This was simple enough. Sirius approached the space between numbers eleven and thirteen and focused his mind on number twelve.</p><p>One might think it odd that the Blacks — an ancient Wizarding family as renowned for the purity of their ancestral line as for the intensity of their Muggle-loathing — would choose to set up home in a cramped townhouse, smack in the middle of Muggle London, but as he watched the grand door push its way out from between its neighbors, Sirius thought it suited his mother perfectly. Surrounded by the enemy, by scum and filth, she had someone to hate, somewhere to direct her fury. His mother always needed a war.</p><p>Sirius stood on the stone steps for a long moment, glaring at the door. Then, with a resigned sigh, he took hold of the silver handle and pushed.</p><p>It was locked.</p><p>He swore under his breath. He’d charmed it before he’d left so that the lock would stick and he could sneak back in without anyone noticing. That it was locked meant exactly the opposite had occurred: Someone had noticed. A simple <em>Alohamora</em> wouldn’t work on this door, and Sirius had never been privy to the required spell…“for security purposes.” He’d have to knock.</p><p>He rapped the serpent-shaped door knocker and waited. And waited some more. And a little more after that.</p><p>Perhaps this was to be his punishment for leaving without permission: They’d keep him locked out all night. It wouldn’t be the first time, but now the laugh would be on them. Sirius wasn’t twelve years old anymore. He wouldn’t just sit there on the stone stairs, curled against the cold, waiting for dawn to rise, for someone to let him in. He had long since learned never to leave the house without a handful of Muggle coins, and if this was the game they wanted to play, he’d hop right back on the Tube and head to Diagon Alley. As with all respectable Wizarding institutions, the Black family had a standing account with the Leaky Cauldron. Sirius merely had to say what he desired — a pint, a room, a feast of nothing but puddings — and the staff would oblige, knowing the hefty bill would be paid without hesitation by the Black vault at Gringotts. Just as he was fantasizing all the ways he could rack up a really horrendous bill, the great door creaked open and the wizened hand of a house-elf appeared at knee-height.</p><p>“Took you long enough, Kreacher,” said Sirius, giving the door a shove. The elf hastened backwards as Sirius pushed past him into the house. He threw a quick glance down the hall: It was empty, unless you counted the rows of family portraits, all watching him with disdainful looks on their stretched-canvas faces (except for Auntie Elladora, who was drooling in her sleep).</p><p>When he turned back, Kreacher had slunk into a low, snuffling bow. Sirius scowled. “Stop that, you look ridiculous.”</p><p>The elf straightened up with a resentful glare. Sirius and Kreacher had never got on, primarily because the house-elf was so loyal to his Mistress, Sirius’s mother. For his part, Sirius loathed the gnarled old elf in the same way he loathed the paintings on the wall, the troll-leg umbrella stand, the dark, gas-lit hall in which he currently stood. The elf was just another Black family relic.</p><p>“Young Master Sirius is expected in the drawing room,” croaked Kreacher with apparent satisfaction.</p><p>“Goody,” said Sirius, trying to swallow his snarl. “Guess I’d better head up.”</p><p>Kreacher shot him a quick, wary look. “Perhaps Master Sirius would like to change his clothing first?”</p><p>Sirius regarded his reflection in the large, silvery mirror that hung on the wall. He was dressed in Muggle jeans and an old t-shirt that read, “God Save the Queen.” His hair fell long and loose into his eyes. That would annoy his mother nearly as much as the Muggle clothes. She desperately wanted to hack it off. Suddenly, he itched for a fight.</p><p>Ignoring the sensible voice in his head that told him to go upstairs, change, and be quiet, Sirius instead said, “Nah, I think I’m good,” and strutted towards the stairs.</p><p>The drawing room was on the first landing; the door gaped ominously open. Pausing for only the briefest of moments, Sirius pushed forward into the room. His mother was seated with her back to him at her writing desk, emerald-plumed quill in hand, furiously composing a letter. She did not look up. He stood awkwardly for a moment, wondering if he should say something, but then she turned her head and glared at him.</p><p>“So.” Her voice was dangerously low. That was never good. Shouting was her natural condition; quiet meant danger was afoot. He decided to head her off.</p><p>“All I did was go to Diagon Alley. What’s so wrong with that? I didn’t realize I was a prisoner in my own house.”</p><p>His mother’s eyes narrowed as she took in his appearance. “Dressed like this?" she hissed. “How <em>dare</em> you? How <em>dare</em> you even approach me, dressed like this?”</p><p>Sirius tugged at the collar of his shirt, as if surprised by her displeasure. “What, you don’t like it? From what I’ve heard, it’s all the rage with the Muggles…”</p><p>“Silence! You will not come in here and blatantly disrespect me.”</p><p>Sirius sighed, a pantomime of suffering. “Well, you’re the one who insulted <em>my</em> shirt.”</p><p>“You are not fit to stand here, in the home of my forefathers, dressed like a filthy Muggle, utterly lacking any self-respect!” </p><p>His mother took a shuddering breath, her fury a storm suppressed. Then she stood abruptly and crossed the room to where a large tapestry covered the wall, faded and old. Sirius was of course familiar with the tapestry’s contents. The Black family tree. He’d been forced to spend hours studying the golden threads that traced his family history back to the Middle Ages.</p><p>“Come here,” his mother demanded imperiously.</p><p>Sirius ignored her, hoping he could goad her into the inevitable blowout fight so she’d get on with it and send him to his room.</p><p>“I said come <em>here</em>!” she snapped, slicing her wand through the air. Sirius felt something akin to a hook catch behind his ear, dragging him over to the tapestry.</p><p>“Ow!” he complained, rubbing his earlobe. </p><p>His mother regarded him coldly. Then she turned back to the tree, her finger following the gilded threads across the centuries, eventually landing on his own name, glittering at the end of it all. Sirius glared at it. It seemed to him that all his problems stemmed back to that glinting, golden line.</p><p>“You,” she said gravely. </p><p>“Yes, I can read.”</p><p>“How can I get it through your intolerably thick skull? Do you not realize that when you go out in public you carry the name of Black with you? You carry the weight of every name on this tree, and you bring shame upon us all, a stain of dishonor upon your own family! You are Sirius Orion Black III, heir to the Black name and fortune. Does that mean nothing to you?”</p><p>Sirius was about to inform her that no, actually, it didn’t mean a damn thing, but she didn’t give him the chance. Instead, she dove into one of her favorite orations: that of the Black family fortune. </p><p>The whole thing, really, was a complicated chess game at which his mother was master. Sirius had heard the story of his inheritance a thousand times in his fifteen years, but what it boiled down to was this: </p><p>By the turn of the 20th century, the Black family fortune had been split between two brothers: Sirius II and Cygnus. Sirius II, being the older son, had the bulk of the gold, but Cygnus was clever and married a Bulstrode heiress, filling his coffers with significantly more treasures than his brother’s. A jealous rift was cleaved between the two, and matters were only made worse when Cygnus purchased an expensive manor house he named Black Hall, clearly intending it to be a far grander home than the London house at Grimmauld Place. Sirius II passed what he referred to as the ‘rightful’ Black inheritance down the line to Orion, father of the now fifteen-year-old Sirius III, who currently stood glowering at the family tree. </p><p>On the other side, the Bulstrode-Black fortune was passed down and eventually ended up in the clutches of Walburga's oldest brother, Uncle Alphard, who did not play the role of heir particularly well. He was extravagant in his tastes and liked expensive horses, racing, gambling, and men. It became clear long before Sirius was ever born that Alphard would produce no heir. The younger son Cygnus II had only daughters…and this is where Walburga played her master stroke. She married her cousin, Orion Black, fusing together both fortunes and securing them with the birth of a son: Sirius Orion Black III. Her pride and joy. The boy on whose shoulders lay the entire future of the Black family legacy.</p><p>Or so his mother told him.</p><p>That stupid golden thread had wound its way around his life like a gilded chain. It would determine who he married, where he lived, what he did with his days. He didn’t want it. He didn’t want any of it.</p><p>As his mother pontificated, Sirius’s eyes wandered over to another branch of the tree, the thread that held his three cousins: Bellatrix, Andromeda, and Narcissa. Except where Andromeda’s name should’ve been there was a small, round burn. His mother had done that nearly three years ago when Andy had announced she was pregnant with a Muggle-born’s child. She’d been engaged to a brutish old wizard named Elzear Yaxley at the time. Apparently she’d been seeing the Muggle-born on the sly, until they slipped up and could hide the relationship no more.</p><p>It had been a big scandal, of course, and even Sirius who’d only been a second year had felt its ramifications. He remembered watching his mother burn off Andy’s name, her transparent glee at her sister-in-law’s shame. “Every tree needs pruning,” she’d crowed. Sirius had felt no glee. He liked Andromeda. She was the only cousin who was neither cruel nor condescending to him. She’d always done what she could to keep Bellatrix in line.</p><p>And he hadn’t heard a word from her since.</p><p>
  <em>Toujours pur…</em>
</p><p>“Can we just skip to the part where you call me the shame of your flesh and forbid me from ever leaving home again?” </p><p>This, he realized a moment too late, was a profound mistake.</p><p>“One day,” said his mother, all quiet again, “you <em>will</em> learn respect. Very well. Go to your room. Your father will deal with you after dinner.”<br/>
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Sirius’s bedroom was on the topmost floor of the house, and he stomped the whole way there, slamming the door shut behind him. He let himself fall backwards onto his bed, his limbs hanging loosely off the edges, and he stared up at the ceiling, a knot in his stomach. His mother he could handle. He’d gotten used to being screamed at. He could cope with missing a meal; he’d done it before. But his father? He didn’t want to deal with his father.</p><p>He shouldn’t have lost his temper. He only had a few more days to go. He shouldn’t have provoked them. If he could’ve just kept his cool, then…then what? Mummy and daddy might still love him? He might’ve gotten some dinner? He scoffed in disgust with himself, then rolled over and punched his pillow. He didn’t want their approval, their love, or their roast lamb. He just wanted this miserable summer to be over.</p><p>The door creaked. He jerked around to see his younger brother Regulus watching him from the hall. “What’d you have to go and sneak out for?” said Regulus, a note of reproach in his voice as he stepped into the room and shut the door quietly behind him. “Mother’s all worked up.”</p><p>Sirius chewed his tongue for a moment, trying to decide whether or not to harangue his brother for entering without permission. He settled on: “Did you tell her I’d gone out?”</p><p>“No. Do you think I’m an idiot?”</p><p>“I won’t answer that. Kreacher, then?”</p><p>Regulus hesitated. “You can’t blame him.”</p><p>“Watch me.”</p><p>“It’s not his f-fault! It’s…what he is.”</p><p>“A conniving little shit?”</p><p>“A house-elf.”</p><p>Sirius snorted. “Same difference.”</p><p>“Don’t be horrible.”</p><p>Sirius regarded his brother with a cool, appraising eye. Everyone said they looked alike, but he didn’t see it. Regulus was smaller, skinnier, a sniff of a boy. They shared the same dark hair, the same stormy gray eyes…but these days, that was all they shared.</p><p>“You make everything harder than it needs to be, you know,” said Regulus, mindlessly straightening a book on the desk. “It doesn’t have to be so difficult all the time. You antagonize them.”</p><p>His brother’s eyes scanned the room, which had admittedly been decorated specifically to infuriate their mother: Gryffindor red, Muggle pictures, the lot. Sirius noticed his brother’s gaze linger on a collection of posters of Muggle girls in skimpy swimsuits. Sirius grinned. “Sexy, aren’t they?”</p><p>Regulus turned away, flushing pink. “Don’t be obscene, Sirius.”</p><p>“It’s obscene to find naked girls sexy?”</p><p>“They’re Muggles.”</p><p>“Last I checked they had all the same parts. And much more interest in sharing them.”</p><p>“If you’re not going to listen to me at all…”</p><p>“Nope, I’m not. You can leave now.”</p><p>“Fine.”</p><p>“Fine.”</p><p>And Regulus left.</p><p>Feeling restless, Sirius got up and walked over to his desk. He stared for a few moments at the pictures he’d pasted on the wall over the years: mostly glossy prints of motorcycles he’d ripped from Muggle magazines. Sirius wanted a motorcycle something dreadful. Then his eyes fell on a picture he’d stuck up earlier that summer, the only real photograph he’d bothered to save: a picture of his friends. In it, he stood with James, Remus, and Peter. They were laughing. He was laughing. After weeks held captive with his cousins at Black Hall and now stuck here in this miserable old house, pacing his room like a caged animal, Sirius barely recognized that boy.</p><p>He tore his gaze from the photograph and reached instead for the calendar he kept by his desk. He grabbed a quill and scratched off another day before throwing himself back on the bed. His stomach growled.</p><p>“Chin up,” he muttered in a sour imitation of James. “Nearly there.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Kreacher arrived a few hours later, sidling his way into Sirius’s bedroom without knocking. “Master Black is ready for you in the drawing room,” he croaked.</p><p>Sirius swallowed. His tongue felt dry against his sandpaper mouth. He had changed out of his offensive Muggle clothes, and he smoothed his robes as he stood. Silently, he followed Kreacher out of the room and down the stairs. The atmosphere of 12 Grimmauld Place, Sirius sometimes thought, was not at all unlike a storm cloud: dark and gloomy and foreboding, with steady rumblings and the occasional, flickering flash of violence. They reached the drawing room, and Kreacher opened the door with a creak. Sirius entered.</p><p>His father was standing at the window, hands clasped delicately behind his stiff back. A number of rings adorned his fingers, and they glimmered in the pale evening light.</p><p>“Young Master Sirius,” Kreacher announced, and his father turned slowly, like a statue charmed to life.</p><p>“Thank you, Keacher. You may leave.”</p><p>The elf obeyed and pulled the door closed to just a crack. One large, glittering eye peered through until it too vanished with the shuffling of elf-feet.</p><p>Sirius’s father observed him, fingers held in a steeple before his face. He did not speak for several silent, intolerable moments. Then, at last, he said: “Is what your mother told me true? You snuck out of the house today against her express wishes?”</p><p>“Yes, sir.” There was simply no point in telling him that his mother had never expressly wished anything. The fact that he hadn’t asked permission would not help his case.</p><p>“And you went to Diagon Alley dressed in the clothing of Muggles, for all to see and judge?”</p><p>“Yes, sir.”</p><p>“You cavorted with a known blood traitor and besmirched the most valuable thing you possess, the honorable name of Black?"</p><p>Sirius chewed his tongue, a bitter, hateful taste in his mouth.</p><p>“Well?”</p><p>“Yes, sir.”</p><p>His father sighed deeply. “Very well.” He pulled his wand from his robes and examined the dark, knotted wood. Sirius felt every muscle in his body tense. <em>Don’t let him see you flinch,</em> he told himself furiously.</p><p>“Close the door,” commanded his father.</p><p>Sirius walked slowly towards the drawing room door, trying to steady his breathing. <em>Don’t let him see you flinch. Don’t let him see you flinch.</em></p><p>The latch clicked shut.</p><p>
  
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Friends and Foes</h2></a>
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</p><h1>JAMES</h1><hr/><h2>Friends and Foes</h2><p>“Now, James, you will behave this year, won’t you?”</p><p>“Very poorly, I’m sure,” said James cheerfully. His mother scoffed and mussed his hair fondly. They were standing on Platform 9 3/4 amid the chattering crowds of students, parents, owls, and cats. The Hogwarts Express, the steaming scarlet train that carried students from London to Hogsmeade each year, was waiting dutifully along the tracks.</p><p>“It’s lucky you’re so charming, boy,” said Mrs. Potter with a conspiring sort of smile. “Well, go on, give your mum a kiss and off with you.”</p><p>He obliged, kissed her on each cheek, and took off towards the train, waving brightly. His father had been too tired to come along this morning, but he had given James a weak-armed hug and told him to write often, study hard, and try not to make any professors quit this year. James had protested, saying that it wasn’t <em>his</em> fault the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor had left <em>again</em>, but his father had just laughed, and that laugh had turned into a wheeze, and then a rattling cough, and then his mother shooed him out.</p><p>As he pushed his way through the crowds, trying not to step on any cats, he turned his head from side to side, searching. And then he saw them: They were a grand-looking group, the Blacks. Mrs. Black was dressed in deep green robes that glimmered in the light streaming through the station’s arced rafters. She held a snake-skin purse in her hands and clutched it with a ferocity that suggested she expected someone to snatch it away at any moment.</p><p>Her two sons trailed behind her. Hurrying closely at her heels was Regulus. He was just a year behind Sirius at school, but he had the slight frame of a much younger boy. Everything about Regulus looked a bit pinched, as if he was used to trying to slip from view. Further behind still trudged Sirius, looking sulky and pushing a large trundling of luggage.</p><p>James hurried towards him as best he could. From a distance, he saw Mrs. Black say something to her sons. Regulus simply nodded but Sirius, who was behind her and not in her line of sight, made a rude gesture at her back. Then he looked up and saw James. With a grin, Sirius grabbed his trunk, shoved the rest of the luggage at his brother, and strode off without another word to his family.</p><p>“All right?” said James as Sirius caught up.</p><p>“Quick, let’s get on before my mother tries to talk to me again.”</p><p>They hauled their trunks aboard the train and clambered up after them, tugging along through the carriages until they found their customary compartment at the end of the train. And it <em>was</em> their compartment. They had claimed it for good, as far as they were concerned, back in third year after they’d hexed a gaggle of fifth years who’d had the gall to try and sit there. Sirius had even scratched his initials under one of the luggage racks, so it was as good as official. Dumping their trunks, they dropped onto the seats and exchanged a grin. They were both more than pleased to be going back to school.</p><p>Draping himself over the seat, Sirius peered out the window. “Oh good, look — there’s Moony.”</p><p>James looked. Remus Lupin was crossing the platform with his mother and father, who he hugged quickly before turning back to the train. ‘Moony’ was a nickname that Sirius had come up with last year. It was so outlandishly obvious that it stuck. James wasn’t sure Remus liked it so much, but he was always a good sport.</p><p>Sirius went off to help Remus with his trunk, and James continued watching the students milling about on the platform. It was nearing time for departure, and everyone was moving a little quicker now. He gazed at them, feeling excessively fond of every form that crowded onto the train. People, he thought happily, were what made life interesting.</p><p>His thoughts were interrupted — as they often were — by a huffing Peter Pettigrew, who plunged his trunk through the compartment door and collapsed onto the seat across from James. “There you are,” he said, breathing heavily. “I was down at the wrong end of the train.”</p><p>“Pete, we sit here every year.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, it’s a big train.”</p><p>Peter Pettigrew was a round-faced, paunchy sort of boy, about a foot shorter than all his friends. Honestly, he was a bit hopeless at times. He’d started following James and Sirius around after the boys had befriended Remus, and though Sirius had been a bit scornful at first, James didn’t mind.</p><p>Sirius returned shortly, dragging behind him a laughing Remus Lupin. “I told you,” said Remus, “I’ve got to get up to the prefects’ carriage. We’re supposed to be having a meeting.”</p><p>“Boring,” said James.</p><p>“You can go up later,” said Sirius, hauling Remus’s trunk up onto the luggage rack. “First, you must sit and tell us all about your oh-so-exciting summer, because ours were rotten.”</p><p>“Mine was all right,” said Peter inconsequentially.</p><p>“I’ve really got to go, Sirius,” insisted Remus. “I don’t want to be late on the first day.”</p><p>“Surely point-docking and detention-giving can wait <em>five minutes</em>!” cried James, with a dramatic hand to his chest.</p><p>“You just want to take the piss out of me for being a prefect,” said Remus, though he was smiling.</p><p>“Never!”</p><p>“How could you think such a thing?”</p><p>“We’ve missed you.”</p><p>“We’ve been sick with longing!”</p><p>“The bards will write poetry about this summer of sorrow—”</p><p>“—without Remus John Lupin by our side...”</p><p>“Yes, yes, all right. Tone it down a notch, will you?” laughed Remus, and he agreed to sit for a few minutes before heading down to the prefects’ carriage. Of course, a ‘few minutes’ turned into five, then ten, then twice that, and suddenly Remus was jumping up and hurtling out the compartment door, calling them all some not-so-nice names as he went — though, admittedly, with a grin on his face.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Through the windows of the train, James watched the shadows of London disappear into sunlit pastures dotted with sheep. Remus was still not back from his prefect meeting, and the three boys were getting bored. They’d played a few rounds of exploding snap, but after re-growing his eyebrows for the third time, James had decided he’d had enough of that.</p><p>“Wish the food cart would get here,” grumbled Sirius. “I’m starved.”</p><p>“I’ll have a look,” said James, standing up and sliding open the compartment door. He peered around the corner, hoping to hear the trundling of a cart down the aisle, but he was disappointed. Just as he was about to step back into the compartment, however, a door further down the train slid open and the pale, bony form of James’s least favorite person emerged.</p><p>Severus Snape was a boy in James’s own year. He had a look about him that suggested he hadn’t seen a bar of soap in a long time, and his greasy black hair fell in strands about his face like a wilted plant. He was a Slytherin, which in James’s mind meant he was evil and — more importantly — fair game. Presently, Snape was trudging through the aisle, hands clenched in his pockets, glancing into compartments as though he was searching for someone.</p><p>“Looking for all your friends, Snivellus? Might take a little while. It’d probably help to make some first.”</p><p>Snape’s head whipped around, and James realized a moment too late that the clenched fist was holding a wand. James’s own wand was resting casually on the seat behind him, having been used to fix his sorry eyebrows moments earlier. He didn’t hear the curse Snape hissed, but with a flash and a bang, something hot whizzed his way and snapped his nose; blood began to spurt from his nostrils. James swore in pain as Snape scurried back the way he had come. “Coward,” he spat after him. “You’re going to pay for that!”</p><p>He slammed the compartment door shut, one hand still cupping his bleeding nose. “Well, that wasn’t very sporting,” he said furiously as blood spilled over his lips and onto his teeth.</p><p>“Slimy git,” said Peter.</p><p>Sirius was on his feet. “Want me to go after him?”</p><p>“Nah, just get my trunk, will you? I’ve got a book in there on healing spells, but I can’t remember the right charm.”</p><p>Sirius obliged and, after a bit of rummaging, tossed him a copy of <em>The Healer’s Helpmate</em>.</p><p>“Thanks,” said James, flipping through the book with one hand, still clutching his nose with the other. “Oh here we go.” He pointed his wand at his face and said, “<em>Episkey</em>.” A cool shiver ran down the bridge of his nose and the blood stopped flowing. James sighed in relief. “Glad that worked. I’ve never tried it before.”</p><p>Sirius snorted. “What’s with the medical books? Taking the career planning portion of fifth year rather seriously, are you?”</p><p>“Hardly,” said James with a shrug. “Just thought it’d be useful. I get tired of having to go to Pomfrey every time I decide to have a duel.” He wiped the blood from his face with an old kerchief and scowled. “Well, good to know old Sniv and I are starting the year on <em>friendly</em> terms, eh?”</p><p>
  
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Princes and Castles</h2></a>
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<h1>SEVERUS</h1>
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<h2>Princes and Castles</h2><p>“You’re going to pay for that!”</p><p>As Severus hastened away from Potter’s compartment, the threat followed him, haranguing him down the train’s clattering corridor. <em>You’re going to pay for that.</em></p><p>Severus knew this to be true. History had taught him as much, and what he’d just done — hexing Potter — had been foolish. It had been unthinking self-preservation that had spurred his wand — and it had felt <em>good</em>, seeing the blood gush from the face of his enemy — but he knew he would be punished for it later. James Potter always made sure he was punished. Four years, they’d been enemies...starting on this very train.</p><p>He could still remember it perfectly, the way they’d teased and goaded him, humiliating him in front of Lily, the way they’d branded him with the nickname “Snivellus” before they even reached school, the way that horrible name had followed him all around the castle ever since…because of Potter and his blood traitor thug of a friend Black. They’d made his life hell for four years, and he had no doubt they’d carry on for a fifth.</p><p>Hatred burned in Severus’s heart and they weren’t even halfway to Hogwarts.</p><p>It wasn’t Potter’s jibe about his lack of friends that had bothered him. What did Severus Snape care about friends? Friends were for lesser minds, cretins who had so little stuffing in the space between their ears that they spent all their time blundering around in barbarous packs, drinking butterbeer and setting off dungbombs. Severus didn’t need <em>friends</em>. He had ambitions. He had talents. He had goals. And besides, he <em>did</em> have a friend. He had a best friend. </p><p>He just couldn’t find her right now.</p><p>He thought he’d glimpsed Lily Evans’ red hair on Platform 9 3/4, but then, turning to glower at a third year who’d just run over his toes with a trolly, he’d lost her in the crowd. So here he was, plodding along the churning halls of the train. He’d nearly made it to the end — where he was sure she must be — when the hated Potter had thrust his stupid head out of his compartment, and Severus had reacted, and now he was going to pay for that.</p><p>He hurried along the way he’d come, this time merely searching for an empty seat. He’d given up on finding Lily. She was probably sitting with that brainless friend of hers anyway…Mary MacSomething. He knew he shouldn’t begrudge her having other friends, friends in her own house, but at times he guarded their friendship as jealously as a small child with a new toy: <em>He’d</em> found her first.</p><p>It was a cruel twist of fate that had sent Lily Evans to Gryffindor House. She should’ve been in Slytherin. He’d seen the ambition in her eyes, the shock of excitement, the thrill of destiny that lingered behind those deep emerald irises. Destiny…yes. He had known it since he’d first started watching her, back in Cokeworth. He could hardly believe that something so beautiful, so good, had come from such a horrible place. She had stood out to him like a diamond in the coal dust, and he had known then that she had a far greater destiny than that grimy little mill town. <br/>
Just like him.</p><p>Severus had always known he was better than Cokeworth. As a child, his mother had whispered him secrets, stories about magic, and a castle to which he would be whisked away, far from the oppressive grime of their shoddy little two-up-two-down. He was special, she’d told him…he came from a long line of pure-blood wizards…he was the last of their line…he was a Prince.</p><p>Princes and castles…it didn’t take Severus long to learn that fairytales were a crock of shit.</p><p>Severus never could understand why his fool of a mother gave up her pure-blood name for filth like his father, stupid and illiterate, poor as dirt, and a Muggle to boot. But then, Severus understood very little about his mother. She disappeared a lot. Not physically — she was always in the house. Severus couldn’t actually remember the last time she’d left their cramp of a home. But there were vast stretches of time when she seemed to fly away from her body until all that was left was a husk of woman, sitting in a worn armchair, staring out a grimy window at a dark road…and nothing could bring her back, not Severus’s pleas, not his father’s fists. Then one day, she’d return, smile vaguely as if remembering she had a son, and they would go on.</p><p>He resented her for it. How dare she leave when he could not?</p><p>But in the end, he did leave, just like she always said he would. Whisked away by magical train to a castle where nobody knew he was a Prince. Instead, he was just that Snape boy, grimy and gray like Cokeworth itself, a half-blood, son of a filthy millworker…</p><p>But he’d show them. He’d show them all what this half-blood Prince could do.</p><p>He had plans this year. Big plans…and James Potter and everyone else who tormented him…they’d pay for their crimes.</p><p><em>Oh yes</em>, he thought bitterly, shoving his way into a partially-occupied compartment and folding himself into the corner seat. <em>You’re going to pay for that.</em></p><p>
  
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Marauder</h2></a>
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<h1>SIRIUS</h1><hr/><h2>The Marauder</h2><p>As the train hurtled through the wild-looking highlands, farther and farther away from London, Sirius Black felt a weight inside him lighten. He laughed with his friends, he ate pasties and sweets and defaced with inky quills the famous wizards on Chocolate Frog cards. Daylight became dusk, and dusk turned to deep, black night, and by the time the scarlet steam engine pulled into Hogsmeade Station, Sirius felt like a different person. The towering specter of his mother, his father, his whole rotten family seemed to melt away with the mizzling rain that pit-patted against the windows.</p><p>The train ground to a halt, and the students aboard scrambled to their feet, scooping up owls, and rats, and cats who loudly vocalized their dislike of being scooped. Sirius and his friends made their way lazily through the din, pushing across the platform and up the muddy track to where the horseless stagecoaches awaited.</p><p>They clambered into an empty carriage which promptly took off, swaying side-to-side with the clip-clop of invisible hooves. The carriage smelled like musty stables, and for a moment, Sirius was transported back to Black Hall. His Uncle Alphard kept a huge stable of all sorts of beasts — Aethonians and Abraxans and the regular old wingless steeds as well. He even kept a unicorn for a short period of time before some Ministry duffer stepped in, liberating from captivity both the silver mare and his uncle’s remaining civility towards government.</p><p>Sirius actually rather liked the horses, a secret he held close to his chest, lest his Uncle Alphard think they had something in common. He didn’t give a flying fuck about hunting, but he liked the stables, the rich, earthy smell of sweat and manure, the calm, heavy presence of the enormous winged beasts.</p><p>It had been his place of escape this summer. At least, at first — until Regulus let slip to Narcissa just where Sirius had been running off to all the time, and Narcissa had brightly informed Uncle Alphard that his nephew had the makings of a great horseman. There had been no escaping his uncle after that. As usual, Regulus ruined everything.</p><p>Sirius was jolted back to the present as the carriage took a particularly sharp turn, causing all four of its passengers to lurch uncomfortably. Peter, who had been craning for a glimpse of the castle, smacked his forehead against the window frame.</p><p>“Who’s driving this thing, anyway?” said James cheerfully. Then he returned to whatever subject he’d been prattling on about before, because of course he’d been talking the whole carriage ride, either unaware or unconcerned that Sirius hadn’t been paying any attention. That was one of James’s great gifts: He could fill any space, large or small, with cheerful, incessant chatter.</p><p>The carriage drew round the curve of the muddy road, towards the great wrought iron gates that guarded the castle, and then…there was Hogwarts, its towers and turrets rising up from stone as though reaching for the moon, the candle-lit windows twinkling in the dark.</p><p>
  <em>Finally.</em>
</p><p>With squelching shoes, Sirius and his friends climbed out of the carriages and joined the throng of students spilling through the great oak doors into the torch-lit entrance hall and across the flagged stone floor to the Great Hall, where the four House tables sat under a starry canopy of night sky. The boys crammed their way into seats near the end of their table and looked around happily at the rapidly-filling Hall. They were joined shortly by David Montgomery, the Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and a few of his friends. James and Montgomery greeted each other and quickly fell into an enthusiastic discourse about this year’s team and prospects.</p><p>Sirius, who was not overly interested in the political intrigue of building a new Quidditch team, turned his attention to Remus and Peter. “Wish they’d hurry up with the sorting,” complained Peter. “I’m <em>hungry</em>.”</p><p>“You’re always hungry,” said Sirius.</p><p>“Well, I’m extra-hungry right now.” Peter glared at the doors of the Great Hall, as if willing them to open. Obligingly, they did, and Gryffindor’s stern-faced Head of House entered, leading a long procession of fidgeting first years to the front of the Hall. Once they were all congregated there, the first years sending shifty glances at their peers or up at the star-scattered ceiling, Professor McGonagall placed an extremely tattered pointed hat upon a stool.</p><p>Everyone stared at it expectantly, and then the brim of the hat flapped open, and the Sorting Hat began to sing:</p><p>
  <em>"Many, many years ago </em><br/>
<em>When I was just a hat,</em><br/>
<em>In olden days of magic yore, </em><br/>
<em>On Godric’s head I sat.</em><br/>
<em>I saw it all, a front row seat, </em><br/>
<em>As four friends came together</em><br/>
<em>To build a school, the greatest yet, </em><br/>
<em>That time would ever weather.</em><br/>
<em>And to these founders four, </em><br/>
<em>A House was bestowed each</em><br/>
<em>That they might choose the students </em><br/>
<em>They most desired to teach.</em><br/>
<em>Good Gryffindor, the first of four, </em><br/>
<em>He chose the brave and bold;</em><br/>
<em>Wise Ravenclaw took those of wit </em><br/>
<em>And brain to be enrolled;</em><br/>
<em>Dear Hufflepuff, fair and kind, </em><br/>
<em>Liked those of loyal heart;</em><br/>
<em>Shrewd Slytherin claimed for him </em><br/>
<em>Those of purest start.</em><br/>
<em>But time plays tricks upon us all, </em><br/>
<em>Runs skipping whilst we sleep.</em><br/>
<em>As Hogwarts grew, the four, they knew, </em><br/>
<em>Eternal life they could not keep.</em><br/>
<em>I watched the founders fumble </em><br/>
<em>As they grew bent with age,</em><br/>
<em>And questioned how to sort the lot </em><br/>
<em>Without their wisdom sage?</em><br/>
<em>They searched the land for answers</em><br/>
<em>And despaired when nothing came</em><br/>
<em>’Til one mad day, a thought took root </em><br/>
<em>In Gryffindor’s old brain.</em><br/>
<em>And from his pate he whipped me off </em><br/>
<em>And handed me about,</em><br/>
<em>Said, “Stuff your brains inside my cap, </em><br/>
<em>And he will sort them out.”</em><br/>
<em>And so I’m here, at each new year, </em><br/>
<em>To divvy up the throng.</em><br/>
<em>Slip me on, I’ll peek inside,</em><br/>
<em>And choose where you belong."</em>
</p><p>The Great Hall erupted with applause as the hat concluded its song.</p><p>“You know,” said Sirius over the clamor, “you’ve got to respect a man who decides to leave major life-altering decisions to his <em>hat</em>. Takes guts, that does.”</p><p>“Good ol’ Godric!” laughed James, still applauding.</p><p>Professor McGonagall was now unfurling a long scroll of parchment from which, Sirius knew, she would call out the first years’ names to go up and put on the hat.</p><p>“Atkins, Marjorie!”</p><p>A tiny girl who barely looked old enough to be there scrambled up to the stool, sat down, and promptly vanished under the wide brim of the Sorting Hat. After a moment’s pause, the hat shouted, “RAVENCLAW!” and Marjorie Atkins hurried off towards the applause of the Ravenclaw table.</p><p>“Branstone, Clarence!”</p><p>“HUFFLEPUFF!”</p><p>“Carmichael, Adelaide!”</p><p>“RAVENCLAW!”</p><p>‘Chadwyck, Benson’ became the first new Gryffindor student, and Sirius joined the rest of the table in whooping applause as timid-faced Chadwyck squeezed in between a group of third years, looking entirely overwhelmed.</p><p>Sirius couldn’t fault them for their nerves. He remembered that walk, the long trudge past the rows and rows of older students’ craning eyes, the room heavy with anticipation, with expectation…and the final, judgmental plop of the Sorting Hat upon his head. Sirius had actually felt properly ill when Professor McGonagall had called out his name.</p><p>Sirius Black was supposed to be in Slytherin. That’s what he had been told since he was born. Since before he was born. It was his birthright. Generation after generation after generation of Blacks had been sorted into Slytherin. He couldn’t name a single ancestor who hadn’t been — and that was saying something, as he had regularly been quizzed on family genealogy growing up. It had never even occurred to him that he might be sorted elsewhere. At least…not until he had met James Potter on the Hogwarts Express. James, who was friendly and funny, and who within moments of stepping on the train had gathered new friends around him like moths to a flame. James, who had sounded so surprised when Sirius had told him all his family had been in Slytherin.</p><p>“Blimey,” James had said, “and I thought you seemed all right!”</p><p>Sirius would never forget the words that followed this, the premonition that came from his own mouth: “Maybe I’ll break the tradition.”</p><p>He had said these words intoxicated with the dizzying sense of freedom that grew with every mile the train sped away from Grimmauld Place. He had said them unthinking, wanting to impress the clever new friend he had just met, the boy who thought anyone in Slytherin was bad news. For the briefest of moments, he had even believed it. Maybe he would break the tradition.</p><p>But as Professor McGonagall called his name — “Black, Sirius!” — and he marched towards the Sorting Hat, his confident swagger belying the terror in his gut, that belief had shriveled away. He was a Black. He belonged in Slytherin. The last thing he had seen before the hat covered his eyes was James Potter giving him a hopeful thumbs up.</p><p>“Another Black, eh?” said the hat. Sirius had hunched his shoulders defensively at this. Here it was. The hat would yell, “SLYTHERIN!” and Sirius would have to face the disappointed look of his new friend, who would surely write him off as a lost cause. He would have to march over to the Slytherin table, where his cousin Narcissa was undoubtedly waiting to fulfill her sweetly-delivered promise to his mother that she would “keep an eye on him at Hogwarts.” He would have to sit there, for seven years and the rest of his life, living under the shadow of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. He knew all this, and what’s more, he knew he didn’t want it.</p><p>“You already know where you belong, then?” the Sorting Hat had said slyly into his ear. And before Sirius could even brace himself for the inevitable, the hat had yelled loudly and clearly to the entire school: “GRYFFINDOR!”</p><p>He had taken a few startled, stumbling steps towards the Slytherin table before realizing what had just happened and redirecting himself towards the cheering mass of students in red and gold. Did they know? Did they know they had a Slytherin among them? Reaching his table, his new house, he had thrown a tentative glance over his shoulder at the Slytherins. Narcissa was sitting there, her dainty mouth formed in a horrified ‘o’, her thin fingers trailing across her lips as though she could not quite believe what had just happened.</p><p>And neither could he. Sirius Black, first son and heir to the Black family — the most ancient and pure and respected of all the pure-blood families — had just been sorted into the house of blood traitors and Mudbloods. And then from across the Great Hall, Narcissa had caught his eye. He couldn’t help it. It was so…<em>funny</em>.</p><p>Sirius had started laughing.</p><p>Back in the present, “Parkinson, Peregrine” was sorted into Slytherin, and without his intending that they do such a thing, Sirius’s eyes flitted over to the Slytherin table and landed on his brother. Regulus was clapping with the faintly bored expression he always wore when doing something out of duty. Regulus did everything out of duty. How often in their childhood had Sirius listened to his parents berate his younger brother? How often had they told him he was useless, worthless, a feeble, sniveling little child who was bound to disgrace them? And all because little Reg had dropped a crystal goblet during dinner.</p><p>And yet — and yet, as soon as Sirius had revealed himself to be the disappointment, the disgrace, the unsuitable heir, how quickly, and how proudly had Regulus taken up the mantel of favored son?</p><p>Of course, Sirius’s parents hadn’t given up on him completely when he’d been sorted into Gryffindor. The next morning he had received a long and furiously-written furl of parchment from his mother, listing all the acceptable Gryffindors with whom he may socialize and offering a detailed set of rules on how to comport himself amongst the filth. She was upset, ashamed, furious, disgusted…but not quite ready to write off her first-born son.</p><p>After this summer, however, he thought she might be a bit closer.</p><p>Finally, “Wood, Patricia” was sorted into Gryffindor, and the Headmaster stood up to address the school. Professor Dumbledore, Headmaster at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, had an undeniable presence; the Great Hall fell silent immediately.</p><p>“Welcome,” said Dumbledore, beaming at them all through half-moon spectacles, “to students old and new. I am sure you are all quite famished and ready for our excellent feast, but before we begin, a few start-of-term notices. First, Mr. Filch has asked me to remind you all that magic is strictly forbidden in the corridors, as are any Zonko’s products classified by Mr. Filch as ‘Dangerous or Destructive,’ and he would like me to emphasize that he — ah — ‘really, really means it this time.’”</p><p>A few students tittered. Sirius smirked.</p><p>Dumbledore politely ignored this and continued on. “Second, any student interested in trying out for their House Quidditch team should, as always, give their name to their Head of House.”</p><p>James muttered something to Montgomery, who grunted appreciatively.</p><p>“Finally,” said Dumbledore, “and most importantly, we have a new staff appointment to announce: Professor Dearborn has happily agreed to take the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts this year.” The wizard next to Dumbledore stood and waved at the sea of students before him. He looked young — far younger than their other professors — with a handsome face topped by a generous coif of chestnut hair. As he turned to murmur something to Dumbledore, Sirius noticed a thin, angry scar that stretched from forehead to chin, as though someone had tried to slice him open.</p><p>James leaned to mutter in Sirius’s ear: “Think this one can hack it?”</p><p>Sirius shrugged. “We’ll find out soon enough.”</p><p>“And now,” finished Dumbledore, spreading his robed arms wide so that the stars upon his sleeves glittered in the candlelight, “let us feast.”</p><p>At these words the tables before them filled suddenly with a wide array of roasts and pies, platters of carrots and peas, mashed potatoes and chips, tureens of soup, and sauceboats of gravy. Sirius piled onto his plate as much as he could fit, and soon the Great Hall was filled with the happy clatter of cutlery as students delved enthusiastically into their meal.</p><p>Beside him, Remus’s eyes were still on the new professor. “He looks awfully young to teach,” he said, spooning Brussels sprouts onto his plate.</p><p>Sirius shrugged. “As long as he’s better than old Archie last year, I don’t care. What a waste of a class that was.”</p><p>“Mmmmph mmgood,” agreed Peter through a mouthful of roast chicken.</p><p>“Swallow first, Pete, then speak,” suggested Remus.</p><p>“I said, I hope he’s good,” clarified Peter. “I’d like to pass my O.W.L.s.”</p><p>“He’s a professor, Peter, not a miracle worker,” said Sirius, smirking as Peter flipped him off.</p><p>On his other side, James was deep in conversation with Montgomery. “It’ll be hard to replace Podmore,” Montgomery said heavily. “He and Shacklebolt worked so well together.”</p><p>“Selfish git,” said James cheerfully, stabbing at his potatoes. “What’d he have to go and pass his N.E.W.T.s for?”</p><p>“Didn’t he get recruited to the Tornadoes?” asked Sirius.</p><p>“Nah, that was Coningsby, the year before. Dunno what Podmore’s up to. Hey—!” James’s face suddenly brightened. “I know! Sirius, you should try out for Beater this year.”</p><p>Sirius snorted into his goblet. “Yeah, right.”</p><p>Montgomery was giving him an appraising look. “Do you fly?”</p><p>“Of course he does. He’s excellent,” said James.</p><p>“Not a chance, mate,” said Sirius.</p><p>“Oh come on. You’d make a great Beater. Who has more pent up rage than you?”</p><p>“Cute.”</p><p>“Gryffindor needs you! You love Quidditch!”</p><p>“I love sleeping. Especially on Saturday mornings.”</p><p>James scowled. “Lazy sod.”</p><p>“And proud of it.”</p><p>“Well, anyway,” said Montgomery, helping himself to some rhubarb crumble as the golden plates filled themselves with an assortment of puddings. “I’m going to schedule trials for next weekend. I’ve already had several people stop me on the train to ask about Chasing, so the sooner the better, I think.”</p><p>James dropped his fork with a clatter. “But we don’t need new Chasers. You, me, and Collins. We’re a great team.”</p><p>“Sure, but I still want to try out any new faces. You never know what talent is hiding out there.”</p><p>James looked deeply disturbed by this information. “Is this about that Bludger last year? Because I thought we agreed that wasn’t my fault.”</p><p>“It’s not about the Bludger, and it’s nothing personal, <em>relax</em>. I’m sure you’re still one of our best, but it doesn’t hurt anything to open trials, does it?”</p><p>“Yeah,” said James. “Sure.”</p><p>But Sirius could tell he did not agree.</p><p>Eventually, when everyone had eaten their fill and the plates began to clear, Dumbledore stood to dismiss them. Feeling quite full and heavy, the boys took their time while the rest of the Great Hall clambered towards the doors. But then, their leisurely departure was interrupted by a voice from behind. “Remus?”</p><p>They all turned. Lily Evans was standing there, her prefect’s badge pinned neatly to her robes. James and Sirius both leapt to their feet at once, raising their hands in a sharp, coordinated salute. “Sir, yes, sir!” they shouted in unison. A group of students nearby all laughed.</p><p>Lily offered a wry smile. “At ease,” she said coolly. “Remus, we’re supposed to lead the first years up to the dormitory, remember?”</p><p>“Oh, right,” said Remus, looking flustered as he dropped his napkin onto his plate. He had clearly forgotten.</p><p>“Merlin, Remus,” said Sirius, shaking his head. “What kind of a prefect are you? Forgetting about the first years…”</p><p>“Yes, if you’re going to be Captain Goody-Two-Shoes, you’re going to have to try a <em>little</em> harder,” said James.</p><p>“Shut up,” said Remus, as he climbed out of his seat.</p><p>“Sir, yes, sir!” cried James, who could never leave a good punchline alone.</p><p>“You’re hilarious,” said Lily in a bored voice. Then she turned on her heel and marched towards the mass of first years collected near the door. Remus hurried after her.</p><p>“Be good, now!” called James in a shrill voice. “Don’t lose any of the wee ones. Remember, it’s frowned upon if they fall off a staircase in the first week!”</p><p>“Yeah, at least make it to week two before you off one,” shouted Sirius while James and Peter laughed.</p><p>Remus turned and gave them one last exasperated look.</p><p>“They grow up so fast!” moaned James, throwing an arm over Sirius’s shoulder in mock despair. “It seems like only yesterday we were struggling to convince him to set off a dungbomb in the girls’ toilet.”</p><p>“And now look at him,” sighed Sirius. “A prefect! For shame!”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Lazily, Sirius, James, and Peter drifted out of the Great Hall behind the throng of students. They followed the mass of Gryffindors and Ravenclaws up the marble staircase, but then the three boys turned in the opposite direction of their peers and slipped behind a faded Celtic tapestry and up a narrow staircase. After all, thought Sirius, brushing a spider off his shoulder (there were <em>always</em> spiders in this stairwell) there was no point knowing about shortcuts if you didn’t use them.</p><p>Sirius and James knew <em>lots</em> of shortcuts. They had spent much of their previous four years exploring the castle, often after curfew, often in an attempt to escape Hogwarts’ cantankerous caretaker, Filch. They were hardly the first students to realize the castle held many secrets, but Sirius suspected few had tackled the mystery with as much enthusiasm and diligence as the Marauders.</p><p>The Marauders. That’s what they called themselves. It had started as a joke during second year when Filch had caught the four boys plundering the kitchens after curfew. The caretaker had yelled all sorts of nasty things at them, but their favorite had been when he accused them of “marauding and pillaging the castle like filthy pirates.” They had gotten a week’s worth of detention for their little adventure, but it had been worth it if only for the cool new name.</p><p>It was a very long, steep stairwell, and the boys continued to climb. Sirius didn’t mind. With every stride, he felt himself relaxing back into the intimacy of the castle, with each stair he stepped back into himself.</p><p>The secret stairwell emerged by a statue of Lachlan the Lanky, who James patted fondly on the knee as they passed. Thanks to their little shortcut, the boys reached the entrance to the common room before any of their peers.</p><p>The Gryffindor common room was guarded by a portrait of an exceptionally large woman draped in pink silk, and she gazed at them all imperiously as they approached. “Password?” she demanded.</p><p>“Shit,” said Sirius. “Did either of you ask Remus the password?”</p><p>James scratched his nose. “Nope, I forgot.”</p><p>“Don’t look at me,” said Peter. “I can never remember them anyway.”</p><p>Luckily, a cacophony of giggles and chatter told them the rest of Gryffindor house was not far off, and sure enough, a mass of students rounded the corner a moment later.</p><p>“Chwyrligwgan,” announced a fourth year, looking vaguely overwhelmed by the preponderance of consonants. The Fat Lady swung open, and the students began to stream through.</p><p>“Welsh,” muttered Sirius as he climbed through the portrait hole. “I bet you anything that’s Remus’s fault.”</p><p>“It’s a dangerous thing, giving a Welshman power,” agreed James.</p><p>The Gryffindor common room looked as cozy as ever, with fireplaces sending a warm glow over the many armchairs, sofas, and poufs that filled the room. The mass of students, stomachs full and eyelids drooping, headed towards bed, and Sirius and his friends followed, climbing the spiral staircase to their own dormitory at the tip-top of Gryffindor Tower.</p><p>“Just as we left it,” said James happily, dropping onto his four-poster bed and pulling off his shoes.</p><p>And so it was. Just as they’d left it: the four beds, draped in Gryffindor red; the worn, tattered rug underfoot; the small squashed sofa, stolen from the common room, the one they’d managed to laboriously levitate up the spiral staircase last term. They were surprised to find it still there. James had thought the house elves would probably reclaim it over the summer, but Sirius reckoned they left it alone because the house elves, as a rule, avoided all but the most basic of cleaning in this particular dormitory ever since the boys’ second year, fearing booby traps. (“That was one time,” complained James, when Sirius voiced this opinion, “and the booby trap wasn’t meant for <em>them</em>.”)</p><p>Funny how this dormitory felt more like home than Grimmauld Place ever had.</p><p>His thoughts were diverted by the arrival of Remus, who looked sleepy but pleased. “All first-years accounted for,” he announced. “I’m proud to say there was not one death on my first day.”</p><p>“Keep it up, Moony, and there just may be a Head Boyship in your future,” said James.</p><p>“Merlin, this place has low standards,” said Sirius.</p><p>Remus knelt to rummage in his trunk for his pajamas. “Lily Evans certainly thinks so. Pretty sure she thinks I’m completely useless.”</p><p>“Well, you did forget about the first years,” said Sirius.</p><p>“<em>And</em> you were late to your first meeting on the train,” said James.</p><p>Remus looked up indignantly. “And whose fault was that?!”</p><p>“Come now, Remus,” said James seriously. “You’re a prefect. You’ve got to resist our pernicious influences.”</p><p>“Alas, I am but a weak man.”</p><p>“That’s the spirit.”</p><p>Then Remus threw a pillow at James, hitting him squarely in the face and knocking his glasses askew. So James threw a pillow at Remus, who dodged it, and the pillow hit Peter instead. And then, for a moment, the dormitory seemed to be full of nothing but flying pillows and the occasional shoe, until all four boys fell back laughing onto their beds, exhausted and delighted to be back in each others’ company at last. Sirius yawned and look around the room. James was cleaning his perpetually-smudged glasses, Peter was picking pillow-feathers off his pajamas, and Remus, it seemed, was already asleep.</p><p>Sirius was not a sentimental sort of person. He preferred to mock those who were too open with their emotions. But as he looked at these three boys, his friends, something in him twinged — just a little. Here, with them, in this dormitory, he was not <em>Sirius Orion Black III</em>. He was not the heir of some great destiny, the end of the gilded line. He was just Sirius: Gryffindor, trouble-maker extraordinaire, Marauder.</p><p><em>That’s</em> who he was.</p><p>Inheritance be damned.</p><p>
  
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>...yes, I'm sorry, I wrote an entire Sorting Hat song...I can't help it, I'm a sucker for bad poetry. :P</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. The Bubble</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  
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<h1>LILY</h1>
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<h2>The Bubble</h2><p>“So it’s <em>you</em>, is it?”</p><p>Lily had just pushed through the door to her dormitory and was startled to find herself face-to-scowling-face with Marlene McKinnon, one of her dorm-mates. A tall, imposing girl with heavy brows and muddy-blonde hair pulled in a tight plait, Marlene struck a rather severe impression as she stood glowering with her hands on her hips. Her attempted intimidation, however, was slightly undercut by the fact that she was currently sporting a pair of lavender pajamas and a thick coating of some greenish skin potion that blotted out most of her face.</p><p>“Er — hi, Marlene,” said Lily, trying to step around her into the dormitory. “What’s me?”</p><p>“You’re the Gryffindor prefect,” said Marlene. “<em>You?</em>”</p><p>“Oh. Yes, I am.”</p><p>“Well, don’t look so pleased with yourself. It’s ridiculous. <em>I</em> have worked harder than anyone else in this house. <em>I’ve</em> made top grades, I’ve never lost a <em>single</em> point, and <em>you’re</em> the Gryffindor prefect?”</p><p>Lily blinked, feeling slightly ambushed by the ferocity of this outburst. Her other dorm-mates Alodie Blunt and Wenyi Feng were watching with interest from the floor, where Alodie was painting Wenyi’s nails a vibrant shade of fuchsia. Across the room, Mary Macdonald caught her eye and grimaced.</p><p>Marlene’s rant continued: “Dumbledore must be trying to make some sort of political statement. Mother said he often does things like that, but it’s completely unfair to the rest of us!” And with a dramatic flounce, Marlene threw herself onto her bed and wrenched the curtains shut. Lily stared at the curtains, still rippling from their violent closure.</p><p>“Okay,” she said at last. “No need to ask what Marlene did this summer. Clearly, it was charm school.”</p><p>“Don’t mind her,” said Wenyi. “Mar’s just got a very demanding family. They expect a lot. Her brother was Head Boy, you know.”</p><p>“And she never lets us forget it,” said Alodie, rolling her eyes.</p><p>“Sure.” Lily slumped over to her own bed, tugged off her shoes, and then dug around in her trunk to find her toiletry bag. “Whatever. I’m going to go brush my teeth.”</p><p>The girls bathroom was yet another cacophony of students, full of girls chatting, catching up about the summer holidays, brushing their teeth and washing their faces, applying pimple potions and combing in hair serums. Already Lily felt herself grow weary. After the noisy train ride, the boisterous welcome feast in the Great Hall, and the slightly awkward walk up to Gryffindor Tower with Remus Lupin and the pack of first years, what Lily really wanted was some peace and quiet. Quiet, however, was notoriously hard to come by in a castle filled with a thousand students, and her dormitory had always been the last place she’d expected to find peace.</p><p>Well, not always.</p><p>Clutching her toiletry bag like a compass, Lily found an empty sink next to Aisha Collins, a sixth year girl she liked. Unfortunately, Aisha was talking to Bertha Jorkins, a sixth year girl she did not like. Bertha was widely known as the school gossip, and anything said in front of her would make its rounds to the rest of the school by breakfast.</p><p>“Lily!” said Aisha. “We were just talking about you.”</p><p>“Oh, good. That’s my favorite thing to hear when I walk into the loo.”</p><p>“Nothing bad. I was just telling Bertha about that potion you made me last term. The one for cramps? Any chance I could bother you for another batch? Only I’ve got Quidditch trials this weekend, so of course here’s my period, right on cue.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah, no problem,” said Lily. “Though…you do know you can always go to the hospital wing, don’t you? Madam Pomfrey keeps it stocked.”</p><p>“Yours works better,” said Aisha bluntly. “And Pomfrey’s stuff tastes like sick. Yours is all nice and cool and…minty. How do you do that?”</p><p>“Mint,” said Lily.</p><p>“See? Genius.”</p><p>Lily laughed. “I can have it ready by Friday, I think.”</p><p>“You’re an angel, Lily Evans. I owe you, big time. I really don’t want to blow it at trials. Montgomery is…very worked up this year, to put it mildly.”</p><p>Bertha’s expression lit up at this. “I heard from Gladys Gudgeon that Bertram Aubrey is trying out for Chaser.”</p><p>Aisha rolled her eyes. “So?”</p><p>“Doesn’t that bother you?” needled Bertha. “Since Gryffindor already has three Chasers…that means he’s trying to boot either you or Potter off the team.”</p><p>“Good luck to him,” said Aisha coolly. Then she turned back to Lily, who was brushing her teeth. “You should come!”</p><p>Lily paused to spit out her toothpaste, then looked up at Aisha, genuinely baffled. “What?”</p><p>“You should come to Quidditch trials.”</p><p>“Aisha, have you met me? Coordination — hand, eye, foot, broom — not exactly my forte.”</p><p>Aisha laughed. “I don’t mean you should try out for the team, just come to trials. A lot of the girls all go together. It’s a bit of a party. Isn’t it, Bertha?”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s fun.”</p><p>Lily hesitated. Socializing at the Quidditch pitch with the likes of Bertha Jorkins did not sound like her idea of fun, so she demurred. “Oh, I don’t know…I don’t think I can…”</p><p>Bertha shot her a sly glance from the mirror where she was pinning her hair into curlers. “It’s because of Potter, isn’t it?”</p><p>“What? What does Potter have to do with anything?”</p><p>“He’s why you avoid all things Quidditch.”</p><p>“Oh, give me a break, Bertha. That’s ancient history. Surely <em>something</em> more interesting has happened in the last year for you to gossip about?”</p><p>Bertha merely gave her a knowing — and infuriating — smirk and, having finished with her hair, took off for her own dormitory with a jaunty wave. Lily turned back to the mirror with a scowl.</p><p>“Don’t mind her,” said Aisha. “Everyone’s forgotten all about that business with Potter.”</p><p>“Everyone but Bertha, apparently.”</p><p>“Well, Bertha doesn’t forget anything, especially not a schoolyard scandal.”</p><p>“Oh, please, it was hardly a <em>scandal</em>.”</p><p>“Exactly. So who cares? Come on. We’ve got to break out of this self-imposed social exile. Get you out of your bubble.”</p><p>Lily was taken aback by this assertion. “I’m not in a bubble. There’s no social exile.”</p><p>“Please,” said Aisha, sweeping her long braids over her shoulder. “You were practically a hermit last term. I didn’t see you at a single post-match party.”</p><p>That much was true. Caged up in her own grief last year, Lily had avoided the house parties — and most of the house, for the matter. It all just felt dizzying, wrong. How could there still be joy and noise and laughter in the world, now that her mother was no longer a part of it? Of course, she didn’t tell Aisha that. She hadn’t told anyone that, except for Mary Macdonald who had found her weeping in the Owlery one day and got the story out of her.</p><p>“I just had a lot going on last year,” said Lily carefully. “That’s all.”</p><p>“Well, it’s a fresh new year, right?” said Aisha, clapping her on the shoulder. “Let’s make it a good one. Consider it payment for the potion.”</p><p>After Lily had given her grudging agreement that she would come to trials, Aisha said goodnight and Lily was left alone by the ceramic sink, feeling slightly discomfited. She had spent all summer waiting for this, anxious to return to school. She had ached to get away from the wrongness of her home in Cokeworth, the emptiness of it. She’d been certain that things would feel better back in the rhyme and rhythm of the castle, immersed in her studies, in magic, even in the petty dramas that pervaded these halls. But now that she was here, she wasn’t so sure.</p><p>It was silly to let Bertha Jorkins get to her, of all people. Sillier still to be bothered by Marlene McKinnon’s little outburst. In fact, if Lily was being sensible, neither girl should ever have any bearing on her mood: Marlene McKinnon was ultra-competitive and always a bit intense, and Bertha Jorkins was renowned as the school gossip, who delighted in poking at people’s sensitive parts. But even knowing this, their words had stung.</p><p>
  <em>“Dumbledore must be trying to make some sort of political statement.”</em>
</p><p>What Marlene had meant by that, of course, was that Lily couldn’t possibly have become a prefect on her own merit, but rather because she was Muggle-born. Her mind circled back — as it had been doing with some frequency — to the protestor she’d seen in Diagon Alley a few weeks ago. He’d been arguing for Muggle-born rights. She remembered the crowd around him, angry and jeering…and she remembered his face, the frustration and fury he’d clearly been trying to keep under control.</p><p>Well, Lily could relate.</p><p>
  <em>“It’s because of Potter, isn’t it?”</em>
</p><p>That shouldn’t have bothered her nearly as much as it did, and yet — ooh, how the mere insinuation infuriated her. No one would ever let her forget her social humiliation of third year. Not Black or Potter or bloody Bertha Jorkins.</p><p>The crush had come out of nowhere, and it had been the worst thing that had ever happened to her — up until that point in life, anyway. Looking back, Lily couldn’t tell you <em>why</em> she had fancied James Potter. The very idea of it disgusted her now, but briefly, back in third year, she had. One of those thirteen-year-old girl things. Maybe it had been the way he ruffled his stupid hair, or the way he called her “Evans” with such colloquial intimacy. More likely, she’d been thirteen years old, she’d just had a very confusing summer fling with a Muggle boy in Cokeworth, and she’d been more or less destined — or doomed — to develop a crush on the next boy who spoke to her.</p><p>To her great misfortune, that boy had been James Potter.</p><p>The crush had been short-lived but fearsome. She’d flush deep fuchsia when he asked her to pass the ketchup at breakfast. She’d spend History of Magic gazing at the back of his head, imagining what it would be like to kiss him. She’d scribbled entry after agonizing entry into her diary.</p><p>That stupid, stupid diary.</p><p>Back then, Lily had been overly concerned with the other Gryffindor girls’ opinions of her. She’d tried very hard to be cool enough for Alodie, Wenyi, and Marlene, and for a while she was. She’d even considered them her friends, not realizing how tenuous such friendships could be. How opportunistic.</p><p>The apocalypse, as Lily saw it, happened on Halloween. The Gryffindor girls held a little post-feast party in the dorms; Wenyi had stolen a few bottles of peach liquor from her then seventh-year sister Yue. A couple of fourth years came from their dormitories, and the whole thing became quite a to-do. Somehow, they ended up playing Truth or Dare. It had been fun at first; Aisha Collins downed nearly half the bottle of liquor on a dare. Sophie Price answered “Truth” every time, as she had just started dating Harvey Harris and was eager to share as much personal detail as the other girls could stomach.</p><p>And then it was Lily’s turn. She’d hesitated but finally chosen “Truth,” and when Alodie Blunt asked her which of the Gryffindor boys she fancied, Lily had responded with complete, inebriated honesty: “James Potter.”</p><p>Had that been the end of it, her adolescent crush would likely have fizzled out shortly after, to be laughed at one day when she looked back at her foolish thirteen-year-old self. However, that was not the end of it. Alodie Blunt had made sure of that.</p><p>The gossip spread like wildfire among the Gryffindor girls but probably would’ve extinguished itself before it got too far had Alodie not made sure to tell James Potter to his face that Lily was utterly and humiliatingly in love with him.</p><p>And then somehow her diary had ended up in the hands of Sirius Black, who had gleefully spread its contents around school…and then someone else — Lily never found out who — circulated a handful of poorly-written love poems that Lily most certainly did <em>not</em> write…and the whole thing blew up into a great conflagration, a school-wide joke, with Sirius Black fanning the flames as much as possible.</p><p>She’d endured a year of Sirius making kissy faces whenever she walked by, of giggles and snide comments from her classmates…and James, undoubtedly in an attempt to avoid the mockery himself, to prove that he in no way reciprocated the embarrassing crush, had gone out of his way to tease and torment her relentlessly ever since. The whole thing culminated in James loudly proclaiming in the common room that he “wouldn’t go out with Evans if she were the last girl in school.”</p><p>Lily had heard, and so had everyone else. She’d cried herself to sleep that night. It had been so bad that even Alodie felt a little guilty.</p><p>But the drama subsided, as drama always does, and Lily soon had bigger problems to worry about. Not long after, she received the letter from her father telling her of her mother’s illness, and suddenly everything else seemed small and foolish and unimportant.</p><p>Then came the worst summer of her life.</p><p>She returned to the castle fourth year a quieter, more reticent version of herself. She no longer tried to be friends with the other girls. She had Severus, who had stuck by her through everything, and eventually Mary, who was eager to befriend the only other Gryffindor girl who was not enchanted by their dorm-mates. That was enough.</p><p>But she was a fifth year now, and all of that was well in the past. With a sigh, Lily examined herself in the mirror. Some of the girls from her job at the Railview Inn had developed a fondness for her, like the older sister Lily never had, and over the summer they’d delighted in teaching her how to do her makeup in the modern way. Lily didn’t think it was too terribly vain to admit that it made her look rather striking. She pulled her long, red hair back and turned her head to the side, experimenting.</p><p>She didn’t want another year of being a ‘hermit,’ of wallowing in grief and shame. She was tired of mourning, she was tired of hiding. She was tired of being the butt of every joke, the weird, lonely Muggle-born. Maybe Aisha was right. Maybe it <em>was</em> time to break out of her bubble.</p><p>This year would be different, she told herself as she packed up her toiletries. This year, she was older and cleverer and prettier than she’d ever been. This year, she was going to walk through the halls like James Potter and Sirius Black did.</p><p>Like she owned them.<br/>
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<hr/><p> </p><p>“Oof!”</p><p>Lily’s knees slammed onto the hard flagstone floor as she tripped, inexplicably, in the middle of the hallway. A herd of students on their way to breakfast jostled inconsiderately past her. She pushed herself up to see James Potter jogging over.</p><p>“Sorry, Evans!” he said. “Trip jinx. That one wasn’t meant for you, honest.”</p><p>Lily picked herself up and dusted herself off with as much dignity as she could muster. Giving him her most disdainful look, she turned on her heel and marched away — but she didn’t make it more than a few paces when she felt something tug at her ankle and she toppled over again.</p><p>“That one was!” hollered a voice from across the hall. Sirius Black.</p><p>“Ah, c’mon, mate. Don’t be an arse,” called James in return. He offered Lily a hand up, which she ignored.</p><p>“Oh, go away,” she said in exasperation, and James merely laughed, taking off after his friend. "Great start, Lily," she muttered to herself.</p><p>It wasn’t until she’d reached the Great Hall that Lily remembered she was a prefect and probably should’ve chastised them for using magic in the corridor, let alone jinxing students. She was still mastering imaginary arguments in her head as she took a seat by Mary and Marlene.</p><p>Marlene stood up abruptly and stormed off in a huff.</p><p>“I suppose I shouldn’t complain too much about my miraculous new Marlene-repelling powers,” sighed Lily, watching her go.</p><p>“She’s just jealous,” said Mary. Lily's closest friend within Gryffindor, Mary Macdonald was a round-faced girl with thick fringe and a penchant for designing her own jewelry. Today she was sporting two long, dangling owl feathers earrings, which she flicked casually aside as she poured herself a goblet of orange juice. “You know Marlene can’t stand it when anyone beats her at anything.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“And yet, you mope.”</p><p>“It’s just—” Lily hesitated. How to explain why Marlene’s comment about Dumbledore’s ‘political statement’ had needled her all night long? Or how Bertha bringing up the James Potter nonsense had so deeply soured her mood that she could still taste it by morning? How to put into words the constant, grating reminders that she was different, an other, never quite good enough?</p><p>Out of all her housemates, Mary would understand best. Mary’s father was Muggle-born and her mum a Muggle. She was as close to being ‘Muggle-born’ as you could get without actually being one. But even though Mary often commiserated as though they were the same, Lily knew it was different for her. Mary had been raised by at least one magical parent. She’d been born into the magical world, instead of spending her formative years as a mystery, a freak. Mary innately understood things about the Wizarding world that Lily had to learn from scratch. It was different, even if Mary didn’t think it was.</p><p>“I’m not moping,” concluded Lily. “I’m…sulking.”</p><p>“Ah, my mistake.”</p><p>“It’s a fine distinction. Sulking has a slightly more bitter aftertaste. Anyway, I’m done. I’m not letting Marlene McKinnon or Bertha Jorkins or stupid Sirius Black ruin my first day back.”</p><p>“Uh oh, what did Black do now?”</p><p>Lily gave a careless wave of her hand. “Irrelevant. Listen, do you want to go to Quidditch trials this weekend? Apparently all the other girls are going to cheer on Aisha.”</p><p>Mary slowly lowered her goblet of orange juice. “Okay, who are you and what have you done with Lily Evans?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You hate Quidditch.”</p><p>“No, I don’t.”</p><p>“You hate the other Gryffindor girls.”</p><p>“I do not! I don’t hate anyone.”</p><p>Mary was still giving her a skeptical look. Her friend had her own reasons for disliking their dorm-mates, most of which had to do with the fact that the other girls had not been very generous to the shy, chubby, little first-year that had been Mary Macdonald.</p><p>Lily sighed. “Aisha kindly suggested I try this thing called ‘having a life,’ and…I have to admit, her argument was compelling.”</p><p>“A life, eh? I’ve heard of those.”</p><p>“Apparently it’s some wild new fad.”</p><p>“Hmm,” said Mary.</p><p>“Look, I already told Aisha I’d go, and I can’t back out. You can’t make me go alone. It’s your duty as my best friend to support me in this.”</p><p>“I don’t think that’s in my contract.”</p><p>“It is. I checked. Section 2a: Social Support.”</p><p>Mary snorted. “Lily, I love you, but nothing in the world would make me want to spend a perfectly good afternoon with the likes of Alodie Blunt and Bertha Jorkins watching a bunch of pricks toss balls. Even if it means hanging with the cool kids.”</p><p>“I’m not trying to ‘hang with the cool kids,’ I just—” she struggled for a moment to find the right words. “I just want this year to be better. I need to break out of my bubble!”</p><p>“Well, I’m very content in my bubble, but I support you. Emotionally. From afar.”</p><p>“Oh, fine. I’ll face the dragons alone.”</p><p>“That’s the spirit. And keep up that positive attitude because from what I hear, O.W.L. year is going to be a nightmare. Look at this, we have double Transfiguration <em>and</em> Divination today.”</p><p>“Ew,” agreed Lily, who didn’t much care for either those subjects.</p><p>“And we’re going to be late, if we don’t leave soon. Come on,” said Mary with the courage and fortitude of the condemned walking towards the gallows. “Let’s go find out how painful this year is really going to be.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The answer, it seemed, was very painful indeed. A few days into the term, Lily suspected conspiracy amongst the professors. She was certain they had all gathered over the summer to practice their beginning-of-term O.W.L. speeches. Why else would every class sound exactly the same? “Crucially important to your careers!” squeaked Professor Flitwick. “A vital stepping stone towards your undoubtedly bright futures!” declared Professor Slughorn.</p><p>Transfiguration proved no different.</p><p>“How you perform on your O.W.L.s,” Professor McGonagall told them sternly from her lectern at the front of the classroom, “will affect both the rest of your time at Hogwarts and your career prospects in the future. I need not remind you, then, just how important it is that you apply yourself fully to the task. The transfiguration we will study this year is undoubtedly among the most difficult magic you will be required to perform during exams.</p><p>Lily exchanged a weary look with Mary. Transfiguration was neither of their favorite subjects.</p><p>“So,” Professor McGonagall rapped her wand lightly on the lectern, “let’s begin.”</p><p>After copying down some truly horrifying equations, the class devoted most of the period to practicing Vanishing spells. By the end, only Sirius Black had fully vanished his salamander, although James Potter’s had significantly fewer limbs than it had started out with. Lily followed Mary out of class feeling unusually frustrated.</p><p>“Cheer up,” Mary advised her as they made their way towards the Great Hall. “At least yours didn’t catch on fire.”</p><p>After lunch, the girls trudged wearily upstairs to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. Normally, there was a palpable air of interest to the first day of this class — they had had a new professor every year so far, with varying results — but today, the fifth years moved in a fog of exhaustion, merely wishing the class over so their weekend could begin.</p><p>The classroom was relatively empty when Lily and Mary arrived. Alodie and Wenyi were perched atop their desks, chatting listlessly, while Marlene skimmed A Compendium of Defensive Magic. Professor Dearborn had not yet arrived.</p><p>“Hm,” said Mary, giving the room a critical look. “I guess decor’s not really his thing, is it?”</p><p>Lily looked around: In previous years, the walls might’ve been adorned with instructional posters or other items related to the Dark Arts, but now they were quite bare. In fact, there was almost nothing in the room except the desks, a podium, and an old blackboard upon which was written in slanted scrawl:<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>Defense Against the Dark Arts</em><br/>
<em>Year Five</em><br/>
<em>Professor Caradoc Dearborn</em>
</p><p><br/>
“So what do you think?” Alodie demanded from behind them, sweeping her hand across the room in a faintly regal motion. “Stickler, nut-job, or octogenarian?” She was referring, of course, to their previous Defense professors.</p><p>“Definitely not octogenarian,” said Lily, arranging her quill and ink-pot on her desk and unfurling a bit of parchment. “Didn’t you see him at the feast?”</p><p>“I didn’t get a good look,” said Alodie with disinterest. “Honestly, why do we have to bother with this class if <em>they</em> can’t be bothered to find someone who will stick around?”</p><p>“Well, it’s an important subject, isn’t it?”</p><p>Alodie’s response was drowned out by the boisterous arrival of the rest of the fifth years clamoring into the room, Sirius Black and James Potter leading the way. Still snickering over some unheard joke, the students took their seats. All of them, that was, except for James Potter. Grinning at his mates, he marched to the podium at the front of the classroom and cleared his throat with a hacking cough — an apt impersonation of their previous professor who had been very old, very boring, and very phlegmy.</p><p>“All right, class,” he said in a pompous drawl while the rest of the students laughed. “Settle down, settle down, now. I’m your new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, and I am here to teach you how to defend yourself against the Dark Arts. So…the Dark Arts. They are both very dark….and…er…artful. And you must use every defense to defend yourself against their darky artness.”</p><p>“Will there be a quiz on this, Professor?” asked Sirius Black in mock concern.</p><p>“Oh yes,” said James solemnly. “I do hope you’re taking notes.”</p><p>“Will this be on our O.W.L.s?” giggled Wenyi.</p><p>“Glad you brought it up! I almost forgot: I’m supposed to start every lecture with a doom-and-gloom O.W.L. speech.” He pointed his finger at them accusingly. “If you do not study this subject and this subject alone for at least twenty-four hours a day, you will fail all your examinations, and you will die alone surrounded by nothing but hundreds of cats who will feast on your worthless, exam-failing flesh.”</p><p>“Ew,” said Alodie, wrinkling her nose.</p><p>“Furthermore,” continued James, clearly enjoying himself, “as punishment for disgracing the school with your hideous failure, you will be required to swim fifty laps in the black lake, sporting only your knickers.”</p><p>“Actually, I think the proper punishment is fifty lashes and strung up by your ankles in the dungeons,” said a new voice. Silence flashed across the classroom like lighting as they all turned to see Professor Dearborn. He had entered from the adjoined office and was watching the proceedings with a calm, inscrutable expression. Wenyi and Alodie, who were still perched atop their desks, slipped silently into their seats. James stood half-awkwardly, half-defiantly at the front of the room. Then, to the palpable relief of the class, their new professor smiled.</p><p>“Thank you for that succinct and mildly threatening introduction to my class, Mr.…?”</p><p>“Potter,” said James. “James Potter, sir.”</p><p>“Ah,” said Dearborn, as though this explained everything. “Your reputation precedes you, Mr. Potter. You may have a seat.”</p><p>James seemed pleased with his apparent notoriety as he dropped himself into the seat in front of Lily. He ran a hand through his hair, and Lily considered how annoyingly messy it was. It stuck up in the back. In a world full of potions and spells, you’d think someone would’ve come up with a way to keep hair from sticking up in the back.</p><p>With a silent scoff, she returned her attention to Professor Dearborn as he strolled to the front of the class. Lily watched him closely, as did the rest of the class. She had noticed at the feast that he was a good bit younger than their previous professors, but she hadn’t been close enough to see just how good-looking he was. He had casually-coifed brown hair and a very attractive face whose only blemish was a thin scar stretching the length of his profile. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily noticed Alodie lean forward a bit in her chair.</p><p>From the podium, their new professor was now observing the class in return, still smiling. It wasn’t a warm smile, exactly, but nor was it threatening. As a matter of fact, the longer Lily looked at it, the less it seemed like a smile at all…and more like a wall.</p><p>“Right,” said Dearborn. “Would you like me to give you the typical doom-and-gloom O.W.L. speech, or shall I spare you?”</p><p>There were a few amused titters from the class.</p><p>“I’ll spare you, I think. As a matter of fact, I wish I could tell you that exams were your biggest concern for the future, but that would be a lie.” He shuffled a small stack of parchment behind the podium and scanned the top page with a skeptical expression. “According to Ministry-approved course guidelines, year five of Defense is meant to be…” he cleared his throat, “‘…a period of review and revisitation of previous material in preparation for Ordinary Wizarding Level examinations.’”</p><p>Their professor considered his notes for a moment, then wadded them up and incinerated them with his wand. Flecks of ash speckled the floor.</p><p>“What a load of hippogriff dung,” said Dearborn, eying the ash in disgust.</p><p>There followed a pause of shocked silence, interrupted only as James leaned over to mutter to Sirius: “Definitely not old Archie.”</p><p>“Mr. Potter,” said Dearborn pleasantly. “You seem like a clever enough chap. Tell me, if I were to attack you right now with <em>Everte Statum Totalus</em>, what would you do?”</p><p>James thought for a moment. “Duck, probably.”</p><p>“Oh, very gallant of you,” said Lily who, after all, was sitting directly behind him. The class laughed.</p><p>Dearborn smiled. “Now, I understand you’ve had a mixed bag of professors over the years. In <em>my</em> class, we are going to focus primarily on dueling. It’s the skill you need most, and one I understand your class has been sorely underserved.”</p><p>Marlene McKinnon’s hand shot into the air.</p><p>“Sir? What about our O.W.L.s? They’ll cover much more than just dueling.”</p><p>“We’ll get you up to snuff for your exams,” said Dearborn with a dismissive wave. “But no number of O.W.L.s will save your skin if you don’t know how to duel.”</p><p>Marlene McKinnon was not pleased with this response. “And just who are we meant to be dueling, sir?”</p><p>“A perfectly timed segue to the next portion of our lecture. Thank you, Miss…?”</p><p>“McKinnon. Marlene McKinnon.”</p><p>“Lovely.”</p><p>Professor Dearborn flicked his wand and a vast projector screen appeared on the wall. The candles extinguished in a sudden whoosh, and the room fell dark save for the flickering of the old Muggle-style projector. “Who among you reads the <em>Daily Prophet</em>?”</p><p>A wave of hands shot up in the dark classroom, Lily’s among them.</p><p>“Very good,” said Dearborn. “And who reads past the first page?”</p><p>A few rueful hands were lowered amid snickers from the rest of the class.</p><p>“All right, now who reads the <em>London Times</em>? The <em>Manchester Guardian</em>? The <em>Hull Daily Mail</em>?”</p><p>Not a single hand remained in the air.</p><p>“Then you’re not getting the full story, are you?”</p><p>Before the class could ponder why they should bother reading the <em>Hull Daily Mail</em>, or any other Muggle newspaper for that matter, Professor Dearborn flicked his wand again and a slide flashed from the projector: a clipping from a Muggle newspaper, as evidenced by the stillness of its photograph. Frozen billows of smoke swept across Westminster under the headline:</p><p>
  <strong>PROVISIONAL IRA CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY FOR BOMBING AT PARLIAMENT</strong>
</p><p>Another flick of the wand.</p><p>
  <strong>LONDON POLICE BAFFLED BY GRISLY MURDERS; SCOTLAND YARD REFUSES TO COMMENT ON POSSIBLE SERIAL KILLER</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Flick.</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>GAS EXPLOSION IN MANCHESTER KILLS DOZENS</strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Flick. </em>
</p><p>“The Muggle newspapers,” said Dearborn, “might not get all the facts right, but unlike the <em>Prophet</em>, they’re not ignoring the obvious.”</p><p>He flashed more slides across the screen, more accidents, more murders, more tragedies.</p><p>“Every single one of these incidents is a confirmed case of Death Eater activity. That’s right,” he said with grim satisfaction as the entire class inhaled at once, “I said Death Eater. Perhaps you’ve heard of them. They’re usually only mentioned in the newspapers when the Ministry wants to insist it’s all an overblown conspiracy to invoke political unrest.”</p><p>The students stared at him, silent and riveted.</p><p>“But these cases are all confirmed — all of them — by ministry officials, no less. Someone confessed, someone was caught. Think about that. Think how rare that is, that they actually catch someone. Imagine what else is happening that the Ministry isn’t telling you.”</p><p>
  <em>Flick.</em>
</p><p>“Read the news. Look around. It’s not an overblown conspiracy. It’s not an empty threat. It’s happening. Every damn day — and it’s getting worse. Dark activity has been escalating in this country for the past decade, but no one wants to admit it.”</p><p>
  <em>Flick. </em>
</p><p>“A right-wing fascist group of ultra-traditionalists, pure-blood supremacists, thugs and bullies are battering away at the norms of Wizarding society. They’re doing it in a hundred different ways, and one of them is pure violence. And they will not stop until someone stops them.”</p><p>They reached the end of the slides, and Dearborn paced before the screen, a sharp shadow against the stretch of white. “So, to be quite frank, I don’t give a grindylow’s tit whether you get Outstandings or Dreadfuls on your exams. I’m not interested in test scores. I’m interested in <em>real</em> results. And when it comes to Defense Against the Dark Arts, the only result that really matters is staying alive.”</p><p>A long and hushed silence fell across the fifth years. No one had ever brought up Death Eaters in class before. No one had ever been quite so honest with them. Lily felt slightly ill. The gas explosion in Manchester…she remembered hearing about that over the summer. It had been all anyone in Cokeworth had talked about for weeks…</p><p>“So!” said Dearborn, clapping his hands together with a jarring cheeriness. “We’ll start with Shield Charms. I’d like you to read chapter three in your textbook and return to class with a written summary of the theory. We’ll dive into practical applications next week. Any questions?”</p><p>James Potter raised his hand.</p><p>“Sir? How did you get your scar?”</p><p>An intake of breath around them. Lily struggled not to roll her eyes. Only Potter would be so tactless.</p><p>Professor Dearborn, however, was unfazed. “In a duel.”</p><p>“Did you lose?” asked James.</p><p>“If I did,” said Dearborn with a smile, “do you think I’d be here talking to you?”</p><p>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Snivellus Sneaking</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  
</p>
<h1>JAMES</h1>
<hr/>
<h2>Snivellus Sneaking</h2><p>David Montgomery, Quidditch Captain, licked his finger and held it up to the windless sky. “Perfect flying conditions,” he announced to James, who stood beside him in the center of the Quidditch pitch. There was always such an energy here, a buzzing, thrumming thrill of kinetic potential. It was a beautiful morning to boot. Swaths of soft sunshine fell across the pitch while filmy white clouds hung high over the castle. The wind barely whispered.</p><p>“Of course,” continued Montgomery, “I’d prefer to hold trials in a bad storm or at least a bit of rain to see what they’ve <em>really</em> got, but this will do.”</p><p>James gave a grunt of agreement, slouching over his broom as he surveyed the stands. Quite a few people had come out to watch, including his mates, who had ribbed him about trials the whole way there. He hoped they couldn’t tell how nervous he actually was. James knew that he was twice as good as any would-be Chaser Montgomery might throw at him, but that didn’t mean the thirst to prove himself wasn’t all consuming and just a little bit nauseating. It <em>hadn’t</em> been his fault they’d lost the cup last year. He’d just barely escaped that Bludger, after all…</p><p>Shunting this memory aside, James mounted his broom and kicked off, a nervous knot in his stomach. Montgomery had decided to start with the Beaters, so James flew over to the group of hopeful Chasers hovering near the stands, laughing and cheering as Kingsley Shacklebolt knocked Bludger after Bludger across the field.</p><p>The hopefuls were predominately sixth and seventh years that James didn’t know. Aisha Collins floated a few feet away, chatting with a group of unfamiliar girls. A tall, black girl with long braids and a bright grin, she had been on the team last year and had a really excellent feint he admired. If Aisha was insulted to have to try out again, she didn’t show it, offering him a cheerful wave before turning back to her friends.</p><p>“Potter,” said one of the sixth years as James drifted over. “Good to see you.”</p><p>“Er, you too—”</p><p>“Bertram. Bertram Aubrey.” The boy offered his hand and James shook it. “And that’s Jack Gully, Lance Haverthorn, and Morris Finchley.”</p><p>The other boys nodded at him. Morris Finchley, a knobby-faced lad with a crown of pimples and a pink nose, gave him a thumbs-up. “It’s Finch. Don’t call me Morris.”</p><p>“Right. Nice to meet you.”</p><p>“So,” said Bertram, “here to win back your spot, eh?”</p><p>“That’s the plan,” said James coolly, adopting an immediate and possibly unfair dislike of the sixth year. “You want to Chase?”</p><p>Bertram shrugged. “Chase, Seek, Keep, whatever…” he ticked off, as if the positions were interchangeable. James’s dislike grew.</p><p>“Me, I’m just here for the glory,” interrupted Finch. “Girls <em>love</em> a Quidditch player. Though I’m sure you already know that, eh Potter?”</p><p>Bertram rolled his eyes. “Finch here has about as much chance of making the team as a mountain troll.”</p><p>“Never know,” said Finch, cheerfully wiping his nose on his sleeve. “Could get lucky. Oi, speaking of getting lucky…get a load of <em>that</em> one.”</p><p>The group of sixth year boys all turned simultaneously towards the stands. Bertram let out a low whistle. James followed their gaze to a group of girls climbing the stands. To his surprise, he noticed Lily Evans among them, though she looked as though she’d been dragged there. She took a seat near the front…and promptly pulled out a book and buried her nose in it.</p><p>“Who brings a book to Quidditch?” snickered Finch.</p><p>“Who cares?” said Bertram. “If you’re that hot, you can do as you damn please.”</p><p>“You’re not talking about Lily Evans?” James blurted out in surprise.</p><p>Bertram squinted. “Sexy redhead in the front row? Oh, that’s right. She’s in your year, isn’t she? Come on, you can’t honestly tell us you don’t think she’s good-looking?”</p><p>“Evans?” James pulled a face. “She’s a <em>prefect</em>.”</p><p>“Prefect can discipline me any day of the week, if you know what I mean,” said Finch with a waggle of his eyebrows.</p><p>The other boys sniggered, volleying innuendos back and forth, laughing and shoving each other. James frowned at them, feeling very irritated indeed. For one thing, he got the impression they were making fun of him, which he did not appreciate. For another, he was almost certain they were making fun of Lily Evans, which irritated him even more. No one was allowed to make fun of Lily Evans but him.</p><p>“Oi, Shacklebolt! Potter doesn’t think the redhead over there is sexy. He’s mad, right?”</p><p>James turned to see Kingsley Shacklebolt flying towards them, evidently finished with his trial. Kingsley was another veteran of the Gryffindor team-that-was, and James liked him. He was friendly and cool, and it also didn’t hurt that he’d saved James from sure concussion on more than one occasion.</p><p>“Hey now,” said Kingsley. “You lads know better than to try and pull me into your depravity.”</p><p>“That’s right,” snickered Finch. “You play for the other team, don’t you, Shacklebolt?”</p><p>“I certainly don’t play on yours, Morris.”</p><p>“Don’t call me Morris.”</p><p>Kingsley ignored him. “Anyway, you’re up, Potter.”</p><p>“What?” James’s gaze had wandered back over to the Gryffindor girls. He jerked to attention. “Oh…right. Quidditch.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“And to think, you were nervous.”</p><p>Sirius, Remus, and Peter met him outside the lockers after trials, and the four friends made their way back to the castle. James was elated. His trial had gone exceptionally well. He, Collins, and Montgomery moved across the pitch with a synchronized fluidity none of the other candidates could mimic. There was old trust there. Familiarity. They each knew what the other was going to do before he or she did it. Plus, James hadn’t missed a single shot and neither had Aisha Collins. Montgomery would be mad to split them up, and judging by the Captain’s satisfied expression at the end of their trial, he knew it too.</p><p>Bertram Aubrey had actually done all right, but at the last minute, Kingsley — good old Kingsley — had sent a Bludger speeding his way. In a desperate attempt to pull his broom out of its barreling trajectory, Bertram had fumbled the Quaffle and missed the shot. Finch and the other boys’ trials weren’t even worth mentioning.</p><p>James was more than a little relieved — though he wasn’t about to admit it.</p><p>“I wasn’t nervous,” he scoffed, running a hand through his hair.</p><p>Sirius arched an eyebrow. “No?”</p><p>“I was…focused. Anyway, I’m glad that’s all sorted. Now we can get to work. This is our year. I can feel it.” And James began to monologue on the intricacies of their new team.</p><p>The team they’d put together was top notch: The Seeker was a slight fourth year named Prateek Shirali, who’d caught the Snitch almost immediately after its release. For the other Beater, they’d found another fourth year named Burdacke Dunne, who looked a bit like a Bludger himself. He wasn’t entirely up to Shacklebolt’s level, but he swung his bat with a ferocity James had to admire. There was potential there. Their Keeper — the position Montgomery had been most worried about — was one of Aisha Collins’ friends named Elladora Guffy.</p><p>As he rehashed Guffy’s trial to his long-suffering but good-natured audience, James spotted Aisha Collins chatting with Lily Evans by the castle doors. Aisha was laughing loudly at something Lily was saying. He suddenly remembered how Bertram Aubrey and the other boys had leered at her and found himself once again deeply satisfied that none of them had made the team.</p><p>“Brilliant run as usual, Collins,” he called out as they approached.</p><p>Aisha flashed him a grin. “You too. Big relief Montgomery didn’t break up the dream team, eh?”</p><p>“I wasn’t worried.” James chose to ignore his friends’ snorts. “Have to admit, Evans,” he said, turning to Lily, “I was surprised to see you there. Did you get lost on your way to the library?”</p><p>“I invited her,” said Aisha. “Don’t be a prick.”</p><p>James smirked.</p><p>“For your information,” said Lily in a lofty voice, “I happen to enjoy Quidditch.”</p><p>“Is that why you had your nose stuffed in a book the whole time?”</p><p>“Well, all right, I enjoy sunshine. The rest of it got boring.”</p><p>“Thanks a lot, Lily!” cried Aisha in mock offense.</p><p>“Not <em>your</em> bit. I watched <em>your</em> bit.”</p><p>This meant she’d watched the Chasers’ trials, which meant she’d watched <em>his</em> trial as well. For some reason, this idea pleased him.</p><p>“Admit it,” said James. “You just came to cheer me on.”</p><p>Lily rolled her eyes. “Maybe I was hoping to see you get hit by a Bludger.”</p><p>“Sorry to disappoint.”</p><p>“There’s still time.”</p><p>“I’d watch out, Potter,” laughed Aisha. “I think she means it.”</p><p>“Such a charming girl,” said James a few moments later as they entered the castle, leaving Aisha and Lily behind.</p><p>As they crossed the flagged stone entry hall, Sirius spread his arms wide and said with a dramatic flourish: “So what shall we do with the rest of our afternoon? Mischief? Mayhem? Some variety thereof?”</p><p>“Actually,” said James. “I was planning on going to the library.”</p><p>The other boys stared.</p><p>“What?” said James.</p><p>“You…want to go the library?” said Remus.</p><p>“On our first weekend back?” said Sirius</p><p>“On purpose?” said Peter.</p><p>“…Yes.”</p><p>Remus regarded him critically. “Did you get hit by a Bludger and no one noticed?”</p><p>“What, am I not allowed to be academically-minded <em>and</em> athletic? I have layers, you know!”</p><p>“You want to go to the library to study?”</p><p>“‘Course not,” said James cheerfully. Remus narrowed his eyes. James snickered and patted him on the cheek. “Don’t you worry your pretty little prefect head about it, Remus.”</p><p>“What are you up to?”</p><p>James grinned. “No good.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Are we done yet?” Peter moaned from behind a tottering stack of books. “If I look at any more of these my eyes are going to start bleeding.”</p><p>James and Peter were tucked away in a corner of the library, stacks of books on Transfiguration piled up around them like the ramparts of a city. He’d convinced Peter to come with him; Sirius, once he’d gotten wind of what James had in mind, had oh-so-selflessly sacrificed himself to stay behind and distract Remus. While James doubted the altruistic intent of this gesture, he had to agree that it was better if Remus didn’t know about their little plot until they were done.</p><p><em>If</em> they were ever done.</p><p>“It doesn’t make any sense,” said James. “I mean, I get that it’s dangerous and illegal and all that, but it’s not as though the casual reader can just pick up a book and become an Animagus.”</p><p>“Isn’t that exactly what we’re trying to do?”</p><p>“Well…yeah, but come on. We’ve got to be anomalies in the general student population. If everyone were running around as secret Animagi, don’t you think they’d have formed a club or something?”</p><p>“It’d have to be a secret society,” said Peter reasonably. “You wouldn’t know about it. And they can’t have done anyway, since there are no books that tell you how to actually do it. So, that argument doesn’t really hold up.”</p><p>“My point is: Arrrrghhhhhh.” James dropped his head onto the table in exasperation, his forehead curling up a page from <em>The Entropy of Transmutation</em>.</p><p>“I see,” said Peter.</p><p>Pushing himself back up, James removed his glasses from his nose and rubbed his eyes. “This is useless. I know the book I need is in the Restricted Section. I <em>know</em> it. <em>The Infallible Animagus</em>. I’ve seen that title a few times now, and I’ve found it listed in the catalogue. That’s got to be it.” He returned his glasses to his face and peered through them determinedly at Peter. “I’m just going to have to go to McGonagall.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“She can sign for me to take the book out from the Restricted Section,” he explained, thinking this was obvious and Peter was being very dim.</p><p>“You can’t honestly plan on telling McGonagall you want to become an illegal Animagus, can you?”</p><p>“Of course not. I’ll just tell her I want to do some background reading."</p><p>“She’ll never go for it!”</p><p>“She will, because I am the best student in her class, and I will charm the pants off of her,” said James, and with a flippant wave of his wand, he sent the assorted books flying back onto their shelves. “Not literally, mind you.”</p><p>Peter gave him an incredulous look. “You’re going to get Professor McGonagall to give you access to the Restricted Section on mere charm?”</p><p>“Poor Peter. You have such a sad, limited, little imagination.”</p><p>“Bet you a galleon you can’t do it.”</p><p>“You’re on.”</p><p>Peter turned back to the last book on the table, which was open to a rather gruesome illustration of someone mid-transformation. He grimaced. “All right, but say you do get the book. What makes you think we can do this? <em>This?”</em> He nudged the book towards James. “I mean, it looks really hard…and dangerous…”</p><p>“Can’t be <em>that</em> hard. It’s just magic. Come on, Pete. Live a little.”</p><p>“I’m not saying it wouldn’t be cool to run around every full moon—"</p><p>“Shh!” James cut him off angrily. He had just heard a rustle from behind them, and while the library was mostly empty, it was foolish to assume they could talk freely. “Hang on,” he muttered, pushing back his chair and creeping towards the aisle. As he peered around the corner towards the library’s exit, his heart plummeted. A few feet away was a boy, slick-haired and dingy-dressed, his robes bellying out behind him as he hurried out the doors.</p><p>“Damn,” said James, a dark feeling of foreboding rising inside him.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The two boys made their way back to Gryffindor Tower in relative silence, each stewing in the juices of his own mind.</p><p>Of course it was Snape. It was always Snape, the slimy, sweaty creep. James Potter and Severus Snape — or Snivellus, as they had named him first year — had loathed each other since the moment they met. If asked to pinpoint the exact reason why their enmity had begun, James couldn’t have told you. They just…hated each other. Well, all right — it had a bit to do with Snape’s being a Slytherin and a good bit more with his being a greasy, Dark Arts-obsessed slime-bag who went out of his way get James and his friends in trouble…and yeah, James and Sirius usually won any confrontation against Snivellus, hands down…and yeah, they instigated as much as he did, maybe a little more…but could anyone blame them? No one did. The only person who expressed any qualms with Snape-baiting was Lily Evans, and that was only because she’d been friendly with Snape since first year. That in itself was a whole other level of weird, but James didn’t waste too much time trying to fathom the strange psyches of his female classmates.</p><p>What really cemented Snape’s position as Least Favorite Slytherin, however, was his recent obsession with Remus’s disappearances. It had started last year; they’d noticed him following them around whenever Remus was ill, trying to eavesdrop. Git. James certainly didn’t like the thought of the words “full moon” bouncing around that slimy brain…</p><p>As if reading his thoughts, Peter tentatively asked, “Do you — do you think he heard?”</p><p>James didn’t respond immediately. He should’ve known better. He should’ve known that Snivellus would’ve been lurking in the library of all places, that he would be snooping on them like he always did. “I don’t know,” he said at last. “I don’t think he was there long, but he certainly left after the full moon comment — nice one, by the way — so we have to assume he at least heard that.”</p><p>Peter looked guiltily at his feet.</p><p>“Damn,” James said again with a sigh.</p><p>When they arrived at the portrait of the Fat Lady, James hesitated before giving the password. “Listen,” he said to Peter, “don’t say anything to Remus about this, okay? It’ll only upset him and with the you-know-what coming up…”</p><p>Peter assured him that he wouldn’t say a word, sounding more than a little relieved.</p><p>“I haven’t got all day, you know,” complained the Fat Lady.</p><p>“What else have you got to do?” retorted James. He fumbled over the password (“Welsh!”), and the Fat Lady swung open with a highly-offended swish. “I’ll have you know, I have a very full schedule and a great number of social engagements with many esteemed portraits throughout the castle!”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, go snog Sir Cadogan,” muttered James under his breath as they climbed through the portrait hole. Peter sniggered. James swept a glance across the common room and found Sirius and Remus at a table by the window, locked in a game of chess which, judging by the curses spewing from his lips, Sirius was losing. Remus, for his part, was watching calmly, fingers laced under his chin, as his queen smashed Sirius’s knight off the board.</p><p>“Ouch,” observed James, dropping himself into a a nearby armchair.</p><p>“Oh, hello,” said Remus, looking up from the game. “All studied out, are you?”</p><p>James yawned. “Oh, yes. Bound to pass my O.W.L.s now.”</p><p>“You’re really not going to tell me what you’re up to?”</p><p>“Where’s the fun in that?”</p><p>Another knight fell. Sirius swore loudly.</p><p>Remus smiled. “I love watching him be bad at something. It’s so satisfying.”</p><p>“Oh, fuck off,” said Sirius.</p><p>It occurred to James that Sirius’s reaction was slightly more venomous than a game of chess merited. Remus didn’t seem bothered, but James sensed that something was up. “Everything all right?”</p><p>When Sirius didn’t answer, Remus said simply, “Sirius is brooding.”</p><p>“I’m not —” But Sirius’s protestations were momentarily interrupted by the sight of Mary Macdonald dragging a laughing Lily Evans across the common room.</p><p>“Come on, come on! You have to hear this!”</p><p>“Slow down, Mary! You’re going to pull my arm out of its socket.”</p><p>“A minor dislocation will be worth it, I promise!”</p><p>James watched as Mary dragged Lily to an enclave of armchairs nearby, where a couple of other girls were clustered. Bewildered, he shook his head and pulled his attention back to Sirius, who was still glowering at the chessboard. “What happened?”</p><p>“Don’t take the piss, all right?” Sirius dug in his pocket and tossed him a piece of parchment that curled along the edges, as though it had been rolled into a tight scroll. James smoothed it out over the arm of his chair and read:<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>To Mr. Sirius Orion Black III:</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Professor H.E.F. Slughorn requests the honor of your presence for dinner in his office on Friday, September twenty-first, starting at seven o’clock.</em>
</p><p><br/>
“You’ve been invited to the Slug Club?” said Peter, his expression aghast as he read the note over James’s shoulder.</p><p>The so-called Slug Club was essentially a dinner club hosted by the Potions Master and Head of Slytherin House, Horace Slughorn. Its guest list was primarily comprised of the rich, well-connected, and occasionally talented students, curated by Slughorn like some elite art gallery. Sirius and James had always referred to it as the Assembly of Pretentious Tossers.</p><p>“I’m not going, obviously.” Sirius snatched back the scroll of parchment and crumpled it into a ball. Then he threw it into the fire where it shriveled into ash.</p><p>This was a delicate situation, James knew, because the invitation highlighted everything that Sirius hated — not just about the world, but about himself. People like Slughorn saw him only for his pure-blood name, they saw his pedigree, the pretentious little <em>III</em> following a name that was never truly his own. Slughorn wanted Sirius in his collection precisely because he was the one thing Sirius desperately wished not to be: a member of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.</p><p>“Of course you’re not going,” said James, as lightly as he could manage. “But come on, you’re not surprised, are you? This is Slughorn we’re talking about. He’s been courting you since first year.”</p><p>“I know,” said Sirius, poking moodily at a pawn on the chessboard. “I’m sick of it, that’s all. If he actually thinks I’m going to dress up and go schmooze with all those self-important twats and talk about my great-great-grandfather…”</p><p>He was interrupted yet again by a high-pitched shriek from behind them.</p><p>“What the fuck is going on over there?” demanded Sirius, and all four boys turned to see the gaggle of girls — among them, Lily Evans — gathered around the wireless, jumping up and down with unbridled enthusiasm.</p><p>Music was blasting from the radio, but it wasn’t any song James recognized.</p><p>“How did you find this?” squealed Lily.</p><p>“Robbie Duff told Rose Peters who told Greta Catchlove who told Davey who told me,” said Mary.</p><p>James noticed Davey Gudgeon sitting among the group of girls looking very pleased with himself. Davey was a fourth year and a bit of an idiot.</p><p>“Davey, I could kiss you!” said Lily.</p><p>“Okay,” said Davey with a hopeful expression.</p><p>“Well, turn it up!”</p><p>Davey turned the dial on the radio, looking slightly disappointed that Lily did not, in fact, kiss him. The unfamiliar music swelled louder until the slick voice of the radio announcer cut it off.</p><p>“All right, all right, all you wizzes and witches, this is Kenny Kirk here to woo you with the latest, greatest Muggle hits. That was the Rolling Stones, <em>It’s Only Rock’n’Roll (But I like it)</em>…”</p><p>“This is it,” said Lily weakly. “This is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”</p><p>“—and I do like it, ladies and gents, I do, but right now we’re going to take it back a decade to a true classic of British Rock’n’Roll, so don’t twist those dials but do shake those bums because this is <em>Twist and Shout</em> by the Beatles!”</p><p>As a raspy male voice began to implore the listeners to shake it up baby, the girls shrieked in rhapsodic delight, and a few of them — including Lily — jumped up and began to dance, thrusting their hips from side-to-side, shimmying their shoulders, waving their arms about wildly. James glanced at Sirius, utterly thrown by this sudden spectacle.</p><p>“Is someone on fire?” Sirius called loudly to the group of girls.</p><p>“Shut up!” was Lily’s response.</p><p>“It’s a radio show,” Mary explained through giggles. “Kenny Kirk — he plays Muggle music.”</p><p>“<em>Real</em> music,” said Lily. “None of this Celia Warbler rubbish or whatever her name is…”</p><p>“Celestina Warbeck,” snapped Alodie, who was sitting a few feet away with Marlene and watching the whole affair with an expression of disdain.</p><p>Lily waved a disinterested hand and slid back into her seat as the song ended. “Oh, John Lennon,” she sighed. “Who says Muggles can’t make magic?”</p><p>Mary turned back to Davey Gudgeon. “D’you think he takes requests, this Kenny Kirk?”</p><p>“Sure,” said Davey, pleased to be the center of attention again, “if you can figure out how to contact him. That’s not his real name. No one knows who he actually is.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“Because what he’s doing is totally illegal. All stations on the Wizarding Wireless Network are supposed to be licensed through the Ministry. He’s not, because they won’t play Muggle music. So he’s basically a pirate.”</p><p>“Now <em>that</em> is rock’n’roll,” grinned Mary.</p><p>“He’s a hero and we owe him much,” said Lily with a solemn nod.</p><p>“Can you <em>please</em> turn that racket down?” demanded a scowling Marlene. “This is the <em>common room</em> and some of us are trying to study.”</p><p>James watched as Lily rolled her eyes. She really was very good at that. “Fine,” said Lily, and she picked up the small wireless radio and grabbed Mary’s hand. “Come on, Mary. Let’s go have our own dance party in the dormitory so Marlene can study.”</p><p>“Dance party in the dormitory?” cried Sirius in mock delight. “Can I come?”</p><p>“In your dreams, Black.”</p><p>Sirius blew a pretend kiss. “Every night.”</p><p>Lily, in return, gave him the finger, and Sirius fell back into his seat, snickering. Strangely enough, this exchange seemed to have improved his mood greatly.</p><p>James watched as Lily left, followed by a string of girls of all different years, presumably Muggle-born, still giggling over the fading radio music. Davey sat abandoned, looking very disappointed indeed.</p><p>“Is it just me,” observed James, “or does Evans seem different this year?”</p><p>Sirius kicked up his feet and yawned. “It’s just you.”</p><p>
  
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for reading! I will be posting the next chapter on Thursday (and it's a new character's POV, as promised!). For the foreseeable future, I've decided to start posting two chapters a week. This coronavirus semi-quarantine doesn't appear to be ending anytime soon and I figure I may as well go all in and do this while I have the time/motivation for it. </p><p>It seems like JKR is doing her darndest to suck all the joy out of the HP world lately, but I still love these characters and writing this story brought me joy and comfort at a time when I really needed it. I hope sharing it with you now gives you some of the same.</p><p>In conclusion, see you Thursday, fuck transphobia, I love you all. &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Cycles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  
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<h1>REMUS</h1><hr/><h2>Cycles</h2><p>Autumn seeped like something spilled through the craggy landscape that huddled around the castle, patches of dull brown encroaching on valleys of heather. Remus Lupin wended his way across the grounds, skirting the edge of the forest, watching as leaves fell in soft spirals to the earth.</p><p>Time was playing its favorite game: How slow the clock had ticked during the months that Remus had ached for the first of September; how languid the blistering days of summer, where time itself seemed a gelatinous mass, moving like a torpid snail through his mother’s garden. Yet here, now, at Hogwarts, time was trilling, twirling and whirling, like the leaves shed by trees in the last vestiges of summer. He could hardly believe September was drawing to a close. Between the intense workload of classes, his prefect duties, and the casual negligence of youth, Remus had let the days slip by him, hardly pausing to savor what would soon be gone.</p><p>For Remus Lupin lived by another clock entirely. Like the ocean waves that lapped against the shore near his parents’ seaside cottage, so too was Remus tugged and pulled by the cycle of the moon. In the days and nights of waning, Remus felt almost normal. Wounds healed, muscles relaxed, and the only foreign mark upon his face was the needling stubble of a pubescence that came to him so much earlier than his peers. But then the moon would wax, and Remus would feel the tug like a hook deep in the marrow of his bones. </p><p>He felt it today. He ought to have been in the library or the common room, peeling through pages of parchment, scribbling equations and spells, a doggy paddle in the deluge of fifth year academics. But he was feeling restless. The full moon was in only five nights, and he could feel it. It was an ache that started somewhere indistinguishable inside him, and then it spread like fire through his muscles and skin, each cell screaming to stop the clock, stop this foul and hateful moon. </p><p>But he couldn’t stop the moon. He never would.</p><p>His feet had carried him almost mindlessly to the shadow of the Whomping Willow. The great tree stood lonely in the middle of the grounds, its long, knotty tendrils swinging gently in the wind, like the conductor of some unheard orchestra in a somnolent tune. It looked calm today, placid even, but Remus knew that serenity was merely a guise; the tree’s true nature was violence and rage, sending branches snapping at the slightest provocation.</p><p>It was his tree — at least, Remus always thought of it that way. It had been planted for him, the year Dumbledore had decided Remus would be allowed to come to school. Its brutal boughs kept the curious at bay, guarding a narrow passage that led to the shack where, once a month, Remus Lupin became a monster.</p><p>No…he didn’t want to think about that. It was coming, nothing could change that, but couldn’t he just have a nice, peaceful afternoon walk without the wolf growling inside him? No…please…<em>please</em>, he didn’t want to think about that…</p><p>But the images came anyway: tufts of fur ripped from flesh, a gash of blood carved by his own teeth, the weight of a wolf thrown against a shattering chair, splinters beneath his claws. This was how he remembered his transformations: flashes from a body that was not his own.</p><p>His face screwed up in a silent fury, Remus took off, fists clenched in pockets, limbs wound as tightly as the snapping branches of the Whomping Willow. He stormed away in no particular direction, as if sudden movement would dislodge the memories from his mind. He lived it once a month, why must he be constantly haunted by the rippling echoes of previous transformations? Why did the ache never leave him? Why couldn’t the wolf just let him be? </p><p>“Remus?”</p><p>Remus stopped in his tracks as if he had hit a brick wall. He had hardly been paying attention to where he was going and must’ve looked a sight, kicking dirt beneath his heels as he stomped his circuitous path.</p><p>“Yeh all righ’ there?”</p><p>Slowly, like a fog drifting before the moon, Remus came back to himself. He looked up. It was Rubeus Hagrid, the Hogwarts gamekeeper. Hagrid was twice the size of a normal man and was currently leaning this considerable bulk against the fence of a vegetable patch behind his cabin. </p><p>“Hello, Hagrid,” said Remus, a pink tinge staining his pale face.</p><p>Hagrid gave him a gentle grin from behind his tangled beard. “Just been pokin’ around the pumpkins back here,” Hagrid said, waving an enormous hand cased in a worn paisley garden glove. Remus peered over the fence at a handful of absurdly large pumpkins. “Gettin’ a bit chilly out now, though. How ‘bout a cuppa?”</p><p>Remus hesitated. He didn’t want a cup of tea. He wanted to stomp and rage and scream and maybe even kick something. But Hagrid was looking at him expectantly, so Remus meekly agreed and followed the gamekeeper inside.</p><p>Hagrid’s home was a single-room cabin fitted with an enormous bed on one side and a well-tended fireplace on the other. Hams, pheasants, and bundles of herbs hung from the rafters, and a bucket of potatoes sat half-peeled by the hearth. Hagrid busied himself with a large copper kettle while Remus took a seat in one of the sagging chairs. Curled in the corner beside this chair was a very old-looking gray dog who Remus knew was named “Bear.” The name suited him well enough as he was of considerable size and looked as if he might have once possessed a bearish personality. Presently, however, the only real resemblance was that of hibernation: Bear was fast asleep, his head tucked cozily against the foot of Remus’s chair, little whiffling snores blowing across his ankles.</p><p>“Don’ do much more than tha’ these days,” said Hagrid, with a gruff nod to the sleeping dog. “Gettin’ old. Well.” He placed a tankard of tea and a plate of rock cakes before Remus, then settled himself down into his own, groaning chair.</p><p>“Thank you,” said Remus politely, “for the tea.”</p><p>At first glance, Hagrid came off as a bit intimidating. His size alone was fearsome, but with his wild mane of hair, raveled beard, and the occasional scrapes and scruff that came from his work, he could look downright alarming. However, there was a kindness that radiated from his dark eyes, and Remus very often found himself on the receiving end of it. </p><p>During the early weeks of his first year at Hogwarts, Hagrid had invited him to tea just like this. Remus had been grateful to accept. He hadn’t yet made any friends, primarily because he kept them all at a distance. It would be several more weeks until James and Sirius would bully down his barriers, and eleven-year-old Remus was lonely and exhausted. Hagrid had said he knew Remus’s father, and that was probably true: A lot of people knew Lyall Lupin. He was world-renowned, actually, an expert on Non-Human Spiritous Apparitions, so Remus was used to the experience of an adult he’d never met referencing his father. Yet, more than knowing his father, Hagrid knew what Remus really was. </p><p>In his darker moments, Remus suspected that Hagrid sought him out, invited him to tea, or gave a friendly wave in the hall because he saw Remus as another fantastic beast to collect. Hagrid’s admiration for dangerous, or as he put it, ‘misunderstood’ creatures was notorious around school, and Remus did not like thinking of himself as another pet project for the Hogwarts gamekeeper. However, the kinder, wiser Remus knew this was not fair. Hagrid was well-meaning and good. Remus thought perhaps he saw a bit of himself in the boy werewolf, an outsider among wizards. Still, a person doesn’t like to feel pitied, particularly not a fifteen-year-old boy, and so Remus sipped his tea quietly and somewhat uncomfortably.</p><p>“How’s yer term goin’?” asked Hagrid as Remus took a tentative bite of a rock cake.</p><p>“Oh,” said Remus, happy for a reason to put the rock cake back down. “Bit mad really. Between classes and prefect duties, I’m surprised I ever sleep at all.”</p><p>“I’d heard yeh made prefect,” Hagrid beamed. “Congrats on tha’.” Remus thanked him a bit ruefully, and Hagrid’s eyes twinkled. “‘Spect yeh’ve got yer hands full with the three boys in yer bunk, eh? Where are they, anyway? I would’ve though’ they’d come an’ see me by now.”</p><p>James, Sirius, and Peter had eagerly followed Remus to Hagrid’s after an invitation second year and had since maintained a fondness for the gamekeeper. He told them fascinating stories of the inhabitants of the Forbidden Forest and fed them as many rock cakes as they pleased. Unbeknownst to Hagrid, James and Sirius had developed a bit of a sport of seeing who could sneak the most into their pockets…and then often spent the evening chucking them at each other in the common room.</p><p>“I'm sure they'd like to,” said Remus. “It’s just been a very busy year so far. I can’t even remember all the homework I have to do this…” he trailed off. He was about to say ‘weekend,’ but then he remembered that he would not be doing any homework this weekend. Not with the full moon. He felt himself go pink again.</p><p>Hagrid seemed to understand, because he said kindly, “It’ll be over soon,” and Remus knew he wasn’t talking about O.W.L.s.</p><p>Quite suddenly, the situation — the tea and the rock cakes and the conversation — felt intolerable. He didn’t want to sit around and chat about his lycanthropy. He didn’t want sympathetic looks and empty conversation. He wanted to be alone.</p><p>“I’ve actually got to go, Hagrid,” said Remus in what he hoped was an apologetic tone. “I really do have a ton of work to do, and I’ve got to get it done before — before the weekend.”</p><p>There was a bit too much understanding in Hagrid’s warm eyes, but he simply nodded, said, “Good ter see yeh, Remus,” and led him out the door, though not before bundling up a dozen rock cakes in a napkin and pressing them into Remus’s hands. “Fer yer mates.” </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Dusk was settling in soft shadows before Remus returned to the castle, and as he climbed through the portrait hole and saw his peers hard at work on essays and charts, he felt rather foolish. The pile of books he had to read and essays he had to write tottered ominously in his mind’s eye. Even Sirius and James were crouched over scrolls of parchment; Peter, meanwhile, had his nose stuffed in <em>The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 5</em>, an anxious crease wrinkling his brow.</p><p>“There you are!” said James as Remus dropped himself into a chair. “We thought you’d died.”</p><p>“A few minutes more and we were going to start working on the funeral arrangements,” said Sirius.</p><p>“I suggested inviting the Hobgoblins to do the funeral march, but Sirius said you’d want something more dignified.”</p><p>“Have you <em>heard</em> their new song, Moony? It’s terrible. I would never let you be shamed in that way.”</p><p>In spite of himself and his terrible mood, Remus found himself smiling. “I’ll have you know, I’m expecting a very grand affair when I die. Strictly dress robes and if the Minister for Magic himself doesn’t speak, I’m haunting you all.”</p><p>“You have my word,” said James solemnly.</p><p>“Not me,” said Sirius, crumpling up the bit of parchment over which he’d been laboring and tossing it over his shoulder. “When I die, I would like each and every one off you to get rip-roaringly drunk and we’ll call it a night.”</p><p>“Must we wait until you die for that?”</p><p>“No, just until you figure out a way to raid old Sluggy’s stash.”</p><p>“<em>You’re</em> the one with the ticket to his private chambers.”</p><p>“Don’t make it sound creepy,” said Sirius. “And besides, we already established that I am <em>not</em> going to the bloody Slug Club.”</p><p>“Not even to steal the holy grail of booze?”</p><p>“Are we Marauders or not? If we need an invitation, we’re doing it wrong.”</p><p>Sirius and James had been fantasizing about pulling off the ultimate heist of Professor Slughorn’s liquor cabinet for several years now. As they dove into yet another spirited debate on how to achieve this pinnacle misbehavior, Remus dashed up to his dormitory to collect his books. When he returned, they were deliberating how difficult it would be to sneak one of Kettleburn’s diricawls into their Potions Master’s quarters. Shaking his head in faint amusement, Remus reached into his bag for a quill and remembered the brick-like lump of rock cakes Hagrid had forced upon him. </p><p>“Oh, by the way,” he told his friends, “I brought you a present.”</p><p>“Is it a puppy?” cried James, clasping his hands together.</p><p>“Yes,” said Remus. “I crammed a puppy into my bag. He’s a little grumpy though, so mind your fingers.”</p><p>He tossed the napkin of rock cakes to James, who caught it, lifted a fold, and threw back his head in a delighted laugh. “Excellent. Oh, I’ve missed these.” And he chucked a rock cake at Peter, hitting him smartly on the forehead. “Ow!” said Peter angrily.</p><p>“You went to see Hagrid without us!” complained Sirius.</p><p>“I didn’t mean to. I was just walking by.” Remus looked down at his half-finished essay on Vanishing spells and sighed. “This is going to take all night.”</p><p>It did. As the common room grew emptier and the fires burned a little lower in their grates, Remus kept on, word after word, equation after equation. Eventually, Peter called it a night, closing his book with a groan and smudging ink on his nose as he rolled up the few meager feet of parchment he had completed. Soon after James turned in, then Sirius.</p><p>“You’re not going to stay up all night, are you?” asked Sirius as he stood to go to bed.</p><p>“No,” said Remus absently. “I’ve only got a few more inches, I think.”</p><p>But when he finished the Transfiguration essay, he thought he might as well do a little work on his star chart, and after that, he had clearly built up some momentum, so he decided he’d finish a translation for Ancient Runes. It wasn’t until four in the morning, the fires mere embers glowing in the hearth, that Remus trudged up to bed, exhausted but satisfied.  Perhaps the way to keep the wolf at bay was simply to work it to death.</p><p>His friends were fast asleep as he crawled into his sheets, and he barely heard more than a round of grumbling snores before sleep had claimed him as well.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Through yellow eyes, he courses past the savage swipes of a whipping bough, down an earthy tunnel, dark as night, and into a house of horrors. Planks ripped from the floor and furniture smashed to bits. Rickety walls and boarded up windows. Howls tearing through the night, the howls of the perverted demon-beast that prowls its rooms.</p><p><em>Rip</em>, he thinks. <em>Strike…destroy…kill.</em></p><p>Blood and flesh, that’s what he craves. Gnashing jaws close on the nearest form and a whimpering shriek pierces the night — his own cry — slivers of wood puncture his snout. Blood and flesh…blood and flesh…teeth clamp onto his paw and beads of deep red appear, driblets of blood that his tongue eagerly explores.</p><p>“Remus!”</p><p>Blood lust consumes him. He slashes at the walls, ripping paper from grout, but it’s no good. He turns upon himself again, claws spring to his chest, his flank, his muzzle — shredding, slicing, spilling…</p><p>“Remus, stop! Remus!”</p><p>Remus’s eyes snapped open to see James hovering over him, his glasses teetering dangerously at the edge of his nose, his brow furrowed in concern. Peter was hunched in his own bed, sheets hitched up to his chin, looking terrified. Sirius stood uncertainly behind James, his pajamas mussed and mis-buttoned, his hair a swallow’s nest, looking as though he had just thrown himself out of bed.</p><p>“What—” began Remus, but then he looked down at his hands and saw what. There was blood under his nails, dribbling down his fingers. Horrified, he touched his cheek and winced. Raw gashes striped his face, sliced by his own hand. He must’ve been clawing at himself in his sleep…and making a racket, if it woke the other boys. He rolled away, turning his back to their gaze.</p><p>He felt a wave of shame: The wolf had snuck out again.</p><p>“Sorry,” he mumbled into his sheets.</p><p>“What are you apologizing for?” said James testily. “Come back here.”</p><p>Remus allowed James to roll him back over, but he wouldn’t meet his gaze — he couldn’t. Instead he stared the dark canopy above his bed, looking away only to steal a quick glance at Sirius.</p><p>“You can go back to sleep,” he mumbled. “I just…had a bad dream, is all.”</p><p>“Nah,” said Sirius lightly, fixing the buttons on his pajamas. “It’s morning, anyway. We’re up.”</p><p>The sun was barely peeking through the windows. Remus raised his eyebrows, then wished he hadn’t; it hurt to move his face. “You never get up this early,” said Remus. </p><p>Sirius just shrugged, and Remus looked away. </p><p>James stood, walked over to his trunk, and began rifling for something. A few moments later, he returned with a small amber bottle and a strip of gauzy cloth. “Here, sit up,” he said, and Remus obeyed, pushing himself upright, the arc of his spine curved against the headboard. His whole body hurt. James unstoppered the bottle, pressed the gauze to its mouth, and soaked it.</p><p>It smelled faintly putrid. “This might sting,” said James, and he pressed the cloth to Remus’s cheek.</p><p>Remus flinched but did not cry out. It hurt like hell.</p><p>“Hold that there a moment,” James instructed him, re-stoppering the bottle.</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>“Essence of dittany.”</p><p>“Where’d you get that?”</p><p>“Swiped it from my parents’ stash,” James said with a shrug. “Thought it might be useful. They won’t care, don’t worry. I can see you worrying. Anyway, it’s supposed to speed the healing process.” He carefully peeled the gauze back. “There,” he said proudly. “It’s stopped bleeding at least.”</p><p>Remus removed the blood-stained gauze from his cheek and set it on the table by his bed, feeling slightly sick. His foul and cursed blood. “It’s a pity you didn’t take Care of Magical Creatures,” said Remus in what he hoped was a lighthearted tone. “You’d surely get extra credit. Can’t imagine any of the other students get to bandage up a werewolf.”</p><p>“Shut it,” said James with a grin.</p><p>Remus drew his knees up to his chest and stared at the deep red curtains of his bed, beleaguered by the memories that still flashed before his eyes. Because that’s what they were: memories.</p><p>He knew that it had not been merely a bad dream. He had lived every slash and tear and bite before. And in just a few days’ time, he would do it all again.</p><p>Out of the corner of his eye, he saw James and Sirius having a silent but extremely expressive conversation. It was amazing to him the things they could communicate with merely the waggle of an eyebrow, the wrinkle of a nose. Then Sirius gestured to Peter, and the two boys pulled on their robes and slipped out the door.</p><p><em>They’re scared of me,</em> he thought, and the idea hit him like a Bludger to the chest. He curled his claws into a tight fist, buried his face into his knees. He didn’t blame them, of course — he was scared of himself — but nonetheless, it hurt. They’d just had a real glimpse of him — the wolf, the monster — and who would want to share a dormitory with a monster? Maybe they were finally starting to realize what they’d agreed to when they’d decided to remain his friend back in second year. He wouldn’t hold them to it. It wasn’t fair; they had only been twelve after all.</p><p>What did twelve-year-old boys know of monsters?</p><p>His increasingly desperate thoughts were interrupted by a soft thud and the slight bounce of the mattress. He looked up. James had settled himself directly across from Remus on the bed, cross-legged and watching him closely through the lenses of his perpetually-smudged glasses.</p><p>“So, I’ve been thinking,” said James, and Remus braced himself. In the span of a heartbeat, he had completed the sentence in a thousand different ways:</p><p>
  <em>So, I’ve been thinking, are you sure you’re safe to be around?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So, I’ve been thinking, I don’t feel comfortable living with you.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So, I’ve been thinking, I don’t want to be friends with a werewolf anymore.</em>
</p><p>“…if the Catapults <em>do</em> end up signing Pryce as Chaser, then they probably have a strong shot at beating the Wimbourne Wasps in their next match, which means they’d have to face off with Puddlemere United for the League Cup, and then we’d finally have a proper Quidditch rivalry around here!”</p><p>Remus blinked. “What?”</p><p>“The Caerphilly Catapults are still your team, aren’t they? You’re not jumping ship on me!”</p><p>Quidditch. He’d been thinking about Quidditch.</p><p>“No, they’re still my team,” said Remus, and he unfolded himself from his knees.</p><p>“Good,” said James happily. “No one in this dormitory cares about Quidditch enough for my taste, but at least <em>you’ll</em> stick by your team.”</p><p>“You really think they’ve got a shot at beating the Wasps?”</p><p>“Have you seen Pryce in action? I did, over the summer. He’s really good. All the Catapults need is a strong Chaser to whip them back up to League standard. Pryce could do it.”</p><p>“I’d love to see the Wasps go down,” mused Remus, and James grinned.</p><p>“<em>I’d</em> love to see the Catapults creamed by Puddlemere United.” James had supported Puddlemere United for as long as Remus had known him. Remus had always claimed the Caerphilly Catapults as his team; it was his father’s favorite, and they’d even gone to see a match or two when Remus was younger. James had been delighted to learn that Remus supported a rival team and had spent much of the past few years desperate for a great show-off between the two.</p><p>As James gave him a player-by-player run down of the Wimbourne Wasps’ current line-up, Remus felt himself relax. He still ached desperately, but that was merely physical. The anxiety that had closed in on his heart like a fist unclenched. James, at least, still liked him.</p><p>James’s analysis of the Wasps’ Keeper versus the Catapults’ was cut short, however, as the door to their dormitory was pushed open and Sirius and Peter clambered through, each carrying an odd assortment of bundles swathed in grease-proof paper.</p><p>“Breakfast,” said Sirius brightly, setting the bundles down in the center of the room and beginning to unfold their wrappings. Remus was startled to see a plethora of golden plates stacked with mounds of scrambled eggs and sausage, towers of toast, a small assemblage of butter, marmalade, and gooseberry jam, bowls of cornflakes, and —</p><p>“Bacon,” said Sirius, wafting the scent towards Remus with his hand.</p><p>“Still a vegetarian, Sirius,” said Remus, his mouth twitching into a smile. Remus hadn’t eaten meat for years. Maybe it was silly — everyone always told him it was — but to Remus, it was one more way of keeping the wolf beaten down.</p><p>“Right. Well, more for me.”</p><p>“How did you—”</p><p>“I <em>love</em> the kitchens here,” said Sirius with a wide grin. “They’re so eager to help. I never knew how nice house elves could be until I came to Hogwarts. I promised to bring the plates back, don’t worry. I’m not ‘stealing Hogwarts property’ again.”</p><p>Remus stared at him. “But why—”</p><p>“We thought you might not want to go down to the Great Hall for breakfast,” said Peter, plopping a large portion of sausage and eggs onto his plate. “What with, you know, your face. Oh no, what about the tea?”</p><p>“On it,” said Sirius, and he disappeared briefly into his trunk and pulled out four rather battered-looking mugs. “Oh, er — <em>scourgify</em>.” A froth of bubbles appeared in each mug and then vanished. Sirius eyed them somewhat dubiously. “They’re clean enough.” He retrieved some tea leaves from the depths of his trunk and with his wand poured a portion of boiling water into each mug. “There!” </p><p>James had slid to the floor now as well and was serving himself a plate. Remus looked around at the three boys, breakfasting on the floor of their dormitory like this was a perfectly normal thing to do on a weekday at sunrise. “You didn’t have to — I mean, I —” He took a breath, gazing around at them a bit helplessly. “…Thanks.”</p><p>“Are you going to eat or not? Come on, I can’t remember the incantation for a heating spell, so you’d better hurry up,” was all Sirius said.</p><p>As Remus joined them on the floor, piling eggs and toast onto a plate, sipping tea out of a mug of questionable cleanliness, he felt something well up inside him — something strange, something aching, something overwhelmingly like love.</p><p>
  
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A Remus chapter at last! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. King of the Pure-bloods</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  
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<h1>LILY</h1>
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<h2>King of the Pure-bloods</h2><p>The entrance hall was annoyingly empty. Lily Evans stood alone, leaning against the balustrade of the staircase, long shadows cast across the flagged stone floor by the glint of torchlight. She tapped her fingers against the marble, a staccato of impatience.</p><p>Remus Lupin was late.</p><p>He hadn’t shown up for prefect duties the previous night either, and while Lily was more than capable of handling rounds on her own, she found this neglect of duty irritating. The Head Boy, a very earnest bloke named Octavius Pepper, was adamant that the prefects patrol in pairs. He’d also been assigning extra rounds, insisting during meetings that Hogwarts was ‘in a delicate balance’ right now. Lily thought he might be a bit paranoid, as really she hadn’t had much to do beyond telling some third years off for being out too close to curfew.</p><p>All the same, just because she <em>could</em> handle it herself, didn’t mean it was okay for Lupin to completely blow her off. If he wasn’t going to take being a prefect seriously, maybe Dumbledore should just give his badge to Marlene. Then perhaps she’d stop sulking all the time. Not that Lily was particularly anxious to spend more time with Marlene, mind you…</p><p>“Sorry!”</p><p>Lily turned to see Remus half-running through the entrance hall. He skidded to a halt before her, catching his breath with a hand on his hip.</p><p>“I’m late, aren’t I? Again. I’m really sorry. I — don’t have a good excuse.”</p><p>As Lily observed at him, she suspected he probably did. He looked ghastly. His skin was pale and beaded with sweat. Dark moons of exhaustion hung beneath his eyes.</p><p>“Sorry,” he said again in a small voice.</p><p>“No problem,” said Lily in airy tone that belied her irritation. “Contrary to our illustrious Head Boy’s insistence, I haven’t had to fight any crime yet.”</p><p>Remus smiled, then winced. She noticed what looked like recently-healed scar tissue across his cheek. <em>Dittany</em>, she thought to herself. That wasn’t Madam Pomfrey’s work. She quickly averted her gaze, however, because she could feel how uncomfortable it made him.</p><p>“Are you — er — feeling okay? You look a bit grim. Maybe you should go back to the dorm and get some rest. I’ve got it under control here.”</p><p>“No!” said Remus quickly. “No, I’m fine. Honestly. I just — well, I’ve got a rotten immune system, I’m afraid. Seems like it’s always something. But I’m on the mend. Promise.”</p><p>“Okay,” said Lily, though she did not believe him. “Well, like I said. Not much to report. Frankly, I think it’s a little ridiculous Pepper put us on double rounds this week. There’s nothing going on.”</p><p>“Double rounds…?” Remus looked confused for a moment, and then his face fell. “We had prefect duties last night too. I completely forgot.”</p><p>“I noticed.”</p><p>Remus buried his scarred face in a hand. “I’m so sorry,” he groaned. “I — God. You must be awfully sick of me.”</p><p>He was so evidently ill and had so clearly forced himself to get here that Lily couldn’t help herself: She softened.</p><p>“It’s okay, Remus. You haven’t been feeling well. Don’t beat yourself up over it. Anyway, shall we get started? We’re supposed to patrol the first and second floor tonight.”</p><p>“Right,” said Remus, his expression still miserable as they climbed the marble staircase to the first floor. They walked in silence a few steps down the empty corridor, then Remus said: “I know I’ve been a rotten prefect so far. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“Please stop apologizing.”</p><p>“Sorry. Damn it.”</p><p>Lily laughed.</p><p>“To be honest,” continued Remus, “I’m not sure what Dumbledore was thinking making me a prefect. I can barely keep up with my classes as it is.”</p><p>“He was probably hoping you’d reign in your friends.” Lily said this without thinking and immediately she regretted it, but Remus just gave her a rueful smile.</p><p>“Yeah, I’ve had the same thought. But that is a herculean feat for which I am wholly unequipped. For the one thing, they never listen to me.”</p><p><em>Then why are you friends with them?</em> Lily wanted to ask, but she bit her tongue. Plenty of people pestered her as to why she was friends with Severus Snape, and she hated it. “Well,” she said instead, “personally I was quite pleased when I found out you were the Gryffindor prefect.”</p><p>“Relieved, more like,” said Remus with a sly smile. “You didn’t want it to be James or Sirius.”</p><p>Lily hesitated, then smiled in spite of herself. “All right. I did think it would be Black, so…yes, I was relieved.”</p><p>Remus seemed to think this was very funny. “Sirius Black, a prefect? You didn’t honestly think they’d pick <em>him</em>? He doesn’t just break rules, he obliterates them.”</p><p>“Yeah, but he’s…you know…”</p><p>“A pure-blood?”</p><p>“I was going to say King of the Pure-bloods.”</p><p>This produced an awkward pause. Remus stopped walking and looked at her in surprise. “Oh, wow. Do me a favor and don’t ever let Sirius hear you say that.”</p><p>“Why not? Isn’t it true? Everyone says the Blacks are Wizarding royalty, and he certainly acts like the heir apparent.”</p><p>Remus shook his head. “That’s not — he doesn’t mean to —”</p><p>“God, now I’m sorry,” Lily interrupted his feeble protestations, hating herself. “Forget I said that, okay? I didn’t mean to put you on the defense about your friends. That was a terrible thing to say.”</p><p>“It’s okay.”</p><p>“No, it’s not. I hate when people do that to me.”</p><p>“Yeah, I bet.”</p><p>Another awkward pause. Lily was quite certain that Remus disapproved of Severus Snape as much as she disapproved of Sirius Black. Lily hugged her arms to her chest. Remus scratched his nose, looking at the floor. This was starting to get uncomfortable. Maybe it was better when he was blowing her off for prefect duties.</p><p>“Anyone for a nice change of subject?” suggested Lily.</p><p>Remus smiled. “I’d love one.”</p><p>So they began walking again, turning down another empty corridor as Lily searched for some non-controversial topic of discussion. “Er…read any good books lately?”</p><p>“Does <em>The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 5</em> count?”</p><p>“It emphatically does not.”</p><p>“Then no,” said Remus. “Although, I did finally finish War and Peace over the summer.”</p><p>Lily stared at him. “You’re kidding.”</p><p>Remus shrugged. “I’m an only child and my parents live in a very isolated part of Wales. Not a lot to do.”</p><p>“No, I mean — that’s a Muggle book. You read Muggle books?”</p><p>“Sure,” said Remus, like this was no big deal. “My mother has always felt that the lack of literary education at Hogwarts is a crime.”</p><p>“She’s not wrong,” laughed Lily. “My mum was horrified when she saw the book list first year. I’ll never forget her saying, ‘Potions is all very well, dear, but what about poetry?’"</p><p>Remus grinned. “Sounds like your mum and my mum would get along. We'll have to get them together one day. Maybe they can petition the school governors."</p><p>Lily felt her breath catch in her throat. She never knew when the waters of grief would rise, what would trigger the tide, which mild memory would overwhelm her. It came in waves, this grief. It came out of nowhere, unexpected and uninvited. She’d be fine for days, weeks, sometimes months and then quite suddenly, the wrong word would summon the tsunami, and there was nothing to be done for it. <em>Not here,</em> she told herself furiously. <em>Not in front of Remus Lupin.</em></p><p>“Or maybe we can just start a book club,” said Lily, as lightly as she could manage.</p><p>“Yeah,” laughed Remus. “Something else for me to be late to.”</p><p>She smiled, steadying herself, and the tsunami was merely a tremor.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>They made it all the way back to the common room without treading on any other uncomfortable topics, and Lily found to her great surprise that she actually rather enjoyed Remus’s company. He was funny, but not in a mean way, not like his friends. He was interested in literature and art and history, and he even knew some Muggle music — most of it exclusively from the fifties and sixties, but <em>still</em>.</p><p>He was also really unwell. She could tell he was trying to hide it, that he didn’t want her to know how miserable he was, but she could tell. It was evident in the way he winced when he laughed too hard, or the way his pace started to slow as they finished up patrol on the second floor. Eventually she suggested they go back about a half hour early, claiming she had a lot of school work to do. Remus didn’t argue.</p><p>“By the way,” she said as they approached the portrait hole. “I’ve had some requests to change the password. Apparently Welsh is a bit too difficult to pronounce.”</p><p>Remus snickered. “Yeah, sorry about that. That was — ah — revenge.”</p><p>Lily raised an eyebrow. “Revenge? Against who?”</p><p>“My friends.”</p><p>“For what?”</p><p>“For taking the piss out of me for being a prefect. And for never listening to anything I say. Not one of them can pronounce a word of Welsh. It’s pathetic, really.”</p><p>Lily stared at him, then burst out laughing. “You are far more devious than you look, Remus Lupin.”</p><p>“I get that a lot.”</p><p>“Well, now I’m tempted to leave it, but as much I’d personally enjoy tormenting your friends, we are due a password change. I’ll submit it at the next meeting. Any suggestions, or daren’t I ask?”</p><p>Remus thought for a moment, scratching his chin. “I don’t suppose we could make it ‘Remus Lupin is always right’?”</p><p>“I doubt it,” said Lily, thoroughly amused, “but I’ll see what I can do.”</p><p>They climbed through portrait hole, and she gave him a sharp, ironic salute. He laughed, and with a friendly wave, he took off towards a corner of the common room where his friends sat. She watched him go, vaguely surprised by the fondness she felt.</p><p>Maybe working with Remus Lupin wouldn’t be so bad after all.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Remus did not show up to Potions the following day. Though he’d claimed he was on the mend, he certainly hadn’t looked it. She frowned at the empty seat by James and Sirius as she threaded her way through the cauldrons to her own preferred spot at the front of class. She hoped he was all right.</p><p>After a brief lecture, Slughorn announced that they would be working on Calming Draughts today, and Lily was happy to dive into the work. Potions was her favorite subject. She’d been thrilled to discover it back in first year. After hours of agonizing over wand-work and complex spells, tripping over unfamiliar terminology and getting lost in thickets of Latin, here was something that came completely naturally to her. She found it an intuitive practice, a recipe with just enough room for a pinch of creativity. It reminded her of all those childhood afternoons spent baking in the kitchen with her mother — except instead of sugar and flour, she used knotgrass and beetle eyes.</p><p>Mist unspooled in shimmery whirls around the dungeon as students fretted over their cauldrons, but Lily was lost to it all, absorbed by the beautiful, nearly spiritual practice of brewing a potion. She loved how tangible the process was, the chopping of roots, the grinding of herbs, the precision of stirring, the spells spoken over the cauldron, the bubbling of the brew.</p><p><em>There’s simply no better balm for the spirit than creating something with your own hands.</em> That’s what her mother used to say when they’d bake biscuits and breads together. Afternoons spent kneading the dough, spooning batter into tins, singing songs and would-be-spells over the stove. And the smell — the scent of freshly-baked bread that would linger all day. There was no greater magic than smell, of this Lily was convinced. One whiff could trigger memory, could transport you through time and space…</p><p>“Ten more minutes!” called Professor Slughorn, wrenching Lily from her reverie. “Finish up now, everyone!”</p><p>She looked down at her cauldron. The Calming Draught was a lovely placid blue, just as the book said it should be. She leaned towards it and inhaled. Then, after a moment’s consideration, she pulled a vial of dried lavender from her bag. She’d harvested as many of the herbs from her little garden as she could before returning to school. The supply room at Hogwarts may be plentiful in beetles and other odd magical stock, but often it was annoyingly lacking in basic herbs.</p><p>She carefully tipped the vial and a small scattering of dried lavender buds tumbled into her palm. She inhaled deeply as the smell worked its magic. Then she scattered the buds overtop the brewing potion and gave it a gentle stir.</p><p>“What’s that?” Mary asked, peering anxiously through the fumes of her own cauldron. “I don’t have any of that…should I?”</p><p>“It’s just dried lavender,” said Lily. “It’s not in the instructions, I just wanted to see what would happen. You’re welcome to use some if you like.” Lily extended the vial to Mary, who shook her head and fretfully returned to her watery-green potion.</p><p>At last, Professor Slughorn announced that time was up and the class heaved a collective sigh, like air being let out of a tire. Lily glanced around the dungeon and realized that the rest of the students were not looking calm at all. Except for Sev. She caught his eye and smiled. Severus was very good at Potions. He always had been. They used to spend hours in the library, arguing over herb-lore, looking up new and inventive practices. She wasn’t sure why they didn’t do that anymore.</p><p>“Oh ho ho! What do we have here?”</p><p>Lily looked up from her cauldron to see a great protruding belly, upholstered in velvet, brass buttons straining up the curve. Professor Slughorn peered down at her potion, his eyes alight with interest. He leaned over and inhaled deeply.</p><p>“Do I detect…” he sniffed again, “a hint of lavender?”</p><p>“Just a touch,” admitted Lily.</p><p>“Magnificent! An ‘Outstanding’ if ever I saw one.” He eyed her keenly. “Are you <em>quite</em> sure you’re Muggle-born? Not the long-lost niece of Dervin Pratchett-Evans, the brilliant and pioneering potioneer?”</p><p>Lily, who had otherwise been enjoying his praise, stiffened ever-so-slightly at this comment. This wasn’t the first time Slughorn had made a similar quip — he seemed to think it was a compliment to doubt her Muggle heritage.</p><p>“No, sir. I’m Muggle-born, through and through.”</p><p>“I don’t mind telling you,” said Slughorn, still beaming at her potion, “I find that very hard to believe.”</p><p>“Well,” replied Lily, her flippant tone belying the grinding of her teeth, “if you don’t believe me, you can ask my father, but you’ll need to use a telephone to get a hold of him, sir.”</p><p>There was a sharp intake of breath from Mary beside her, and Lily could hear a few students snickering behind her. Slughorn, however, let out a hearty laugh. “Well, well, well,” he said happily. “One does hear of it happening this way on occasion — but my goodness, you’ve got talent, girl. Muggle-born, I say!” And giving her shoulder an affectionate pat, he strolled off towards the next row of cauldrons.</p><p>Lily stewed. She knew she was supposed to feel flattered by Slughorn’s comments, but instead she just felt belittled. Of course, it was so hard to believe that a Muggle-born could ever be good at anything…</p><p>“You are going to get yourself in so much trouble one day,” said Mary as they tidied up the workstations and prepared to leave. “You’re lucky Slughorn likes you.”</p><p>Lily opened her mouth to retort, but she was interrupted by the arrival of Adam Avery and Evan Rosier, who sauntered by as they delivered their flasks of potion to Slughorn’s desk. Avery and Rosier were two Slytherin students who Lily could not stand. While she did not hold that all Slytherins were evil (as was the view of many of her peers), she had to admit that these two did nothing to help the stereotype.</p><p>“Nice potion, Evans,” sneered Avery. “Maybe they’ll invent a new grade for you on the O.W.L.s: M for Mudblood.”</p><p>Mary gasped at the slur, as she was meant to, but Lily knew better than to indulge these sort of boys with a display of hurt feelings. “Wow, cool joke, Avery,” she said. “Congratulations on finally learning the alphabet. Only took you fifteen years.”</p><p>“Watch your mouth, you—” began Rosier, but Lily was in a thoroughly sour mood now and cut him off.</p><p>“Why don’t <em>you</em> do us all a favor, Rosier, and take that stubby, little wand of yours and shove it up your fat, ugly arse?”</p><p>Mary cleared her throat loudly and Lily froze, having sensed the arrival of a new presence behind her. A large round shadow, and a glint of brass buttons. Both Avery and Rosier were smirking. Lily glanced at Mary, without turning around. “Professor Slughorn is standing right behind me, isn’t he?”</p><p>“Yup,” said Mary.</p><p>Lily closed her eyes. “Great.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“He WHAT?” demanded Marlene McKinnon, gaping open-mouthed at Lily from across the table, holding her fork like a spear.</p><p>They were at dinner, and Lily sat surrounded by the rest of the fifth year girls as she rehashed her news. She hadn’t exactly meant for this to be a table-wide discussion — she’d only intended to tell Mary privately — but the Great Hall was not a place for privacy, and as usual her classmates afforded her none.</p><p>“You’re kidding,” said Wenyi, half-shocked, half-laughing. “After you told Evan Rosier to shove his wand up his arse?”</p><p>“His fat, ugly arse,” Mary cheerfully amended.</p><p>Lily shrugged and took another bite of stew. “That’s right.”</p><p>“I would never have gotten away with that,” said Alodie. “How did you get away with that?”</p><p>“I didn’t think I was going to. I was sure he was going to give me detention.”</p><p>“Slughorn loves you,” said Mary.</p><p>“Excuse me,” interjected Marlene. “Can we please get back to the point here? He WHAT?!”</p><p>“He invited me to the next Slug Club dinner,” said Lily dully, for what felt like the hundredth time.</p><p>“But that doesn’t make any sense. He almost never invites anyone until their sixth year.”</p><p>“He said sometimes he makes an exception.”</p><p>“But why you? Your potion wasn’t <em>that</em> good.”</p><p>“You know what I love about our classmates?” said Lily dryly, turning to Mary. “They always keep my ego in check.” Mary snickered. “I don’t know why he invited me, Marlene. I suppose he must’ve had a mild stroke and those were the words that came out. Too late for take-backs, how embarrassing.”</p><p>“Oh, don’t let Mar get you all in a huff,” said Alodie. “It’s just the Slug Club is <em>really</em> elite. It’s hard to get into anyway, but almost no one gets invited before sixth year unless they’re someone really important or well-connected or…you know. Someone like Sirius Black.”</p><p>There was a pause as the group of girls looked down the table to where Sirius Black was sitting with his friends. He was slouching over his dinner with the sort of devil-may-care insouciance that teenage girls found so irresistible. He threw back his head, roaring with laughter at something James had said. Then, with an affected sweep, he brushed his dark hair out of his eyes.</p><p><em>King of the Pure-bloods</em>, thought Lily, a tad unkindly.</p><p>“He got even more handsome over the summer,” sighed Alodie. “How does he do that?”</p><p>Lily made a disparaging noise.</p><p>“Oh, come on,” said Wenyi. “Even you think he’s good-looking.”</p><p>Lily hesitated. She could hardly deny it. Sirius Black’s extreme attractiveness was an undeniable and objective truth. “Aesthetically, yes,” Lily relented. “He’s nice to look at. But he’s an arrogant sod with a god complex, if you ask me.”</p><p>“No one did,” said Alodie. “Besides, we all know you prefer his best friend.”</p><p>“That joke gets funnier every time you tell it.”</p><p>Alodie simply smirked before returning her gaze to Sirius Black, a look of longing on her face.</p><p>“I don’t understand why he has to play so hard to get. I made it very clear last year that I wanted him to ask me out, and he still spent every Hogsmeade weekend holed up in the Three Broomsticks with his little gang. What more does a girl have to do?”</p><p>“Flash him your bra?” suggested Mary.</p><p>“Definitely owl him your panties,” said Lily.</p><p>Alodie rolled her eyes. “Funny.”</p><p>“You’re wasting your time,” said Marlene unexpectedly. “He may make a show of snogging half the girls in school, but ultimately he’s completely untouchable.”</p><p>“Why’s that?”</p><p>“Same reason he’s been on the short-list for the Slug Club since first year. He’s a Black.”</p><p>Alodie scowled. “So? I’m a Blunt. We’re a very old pure-blood family too, thank you very much. Are you saying I’m not good enough for him?”</p><p>“I’m saying he’ll have an arranged marriage.”</p><p>Lily nearly choked on her stew. “What?”</p><p>But Alodie had deflated slightly. “That’s true.”</p><p>“And he’ll marry a twenty-eight,” said Marlene matter-of-factly.</p><p>“I repeat, what?”</p><p>“The Sacred Twenty-Eight," said Wenyi helpfully. "It’s a list of the most ancient pure-blood families. Some people take it very seriously and only marry within the twenty-eight.”</p><p>Lily shared a dubious look with Mary, who rolled her eyes. “Because nothing says upper-class like a good bout of inbreeding.”</p><p>Alodie ignored this and let out a mournful sigh, her gaze still caught on their handsome classmate. “It’s all my great-uncle’s fault, you know. If he hadn’t married that — I mean,” she amended hastily, “not that I have anything against Muggles, but he knocked us out of the twenty-eight, selfish man that he was…”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” said Lily. “I’m harping, but did you really say ‘arranged marriage?’”</p><p>“Of course,” said Marlene. “The Black family is obsessed with ancestry. They’re famous for it. Lots of pure-blood families do it though.”</p><p>“Are you going to have an arranged marriage?”</p><p>“I’m going to be an academic,” said Marlene stiffly.</p><p>Lily found herself unable to stifle her curiosity. “Do all pure-bloods have arranged marriages?”</p><p>“Of course not.”</p><p>“Only the ones worth marrying, it seems,” sighed Alodie.</p><p>“Oh, that’s rubbish,” said Wenyi. “There are plenty of boys from good families that don’t shop exclusively from the twenty-eight.”</p><p>“Like who?” demanded Alodie. “We’re a bit starved for options in Gryffindor, aren’t we? Shall I wed Dopey Davey or Porky Pettigrew?”</p><p>“Just checking,” Lily whispered to Mary. “We are still fifteen years old, right? I’m not completely mad for not having planned my future nuptials yet?”</p><p>“I think you’ve got at least a year before you have to book the florist,” agreed Mary, and Lily snorted into her pumpkin juice.</p><p>“Well, what about James Potter?” suggested Wenyi, oblivious to this aside. “He’s from a good family.”</p><p>“New money,” said Marlene.</p><p>“Don’t be such a snob, Marlene!” said Alodie, without a trace of irony.</p><p>Marlene merely shrugged. “It’s just a fact. They’re filthy rich, but that’s because his father developed the formula for Sleakeazy’s and then sold it for a massive profit.”</p><p>This was new information to Lily. “Sleakeazy’s?”</p><p>“It’s a hair potion,” explained Wenyi. "'<em>Two drops tames even the most bothersome barnet.'"</em></p><p>“It’s a life-saver, honestly,” said Alodie. “They deserve every Sickle.”</p><p>Lily glanced down the table again to where James Potter was regaling his friends with some new story, his hair as disastrously messy as ever. And then, without meaning to, Lily burst out laughing.</p><p>The other girls stared.</p><p>“Sorry,” she said when at last she regained control, wiping a tear from her eye. “I’m sorry. It’s just…have you <em>seen</em> his hair?”</p><p>
  
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. The Infallible Animagus</h2></a>
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<h1>JAMES</h1>
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<h2>The Infallible Animagus</h2><p>James Potter ran a hand through his hair, his stomach a knot of…not anxiety exactly, but anticipation. The next forty-five minutes were of the utmost importance. The next forty-five minutes would determine his destiny, would change the course of history…</p><p>“If you will all please pass your essays forward, then we will begin,” Professor McGonagall’s crisp voice rang through the classroom. James passed his essay up with the rest, confident of its contents. He had labored over it with an enthusiasm he rarely displayed for any class. It was even an extra few inches long. This was not, of course, out of a spontaneous love of academics. As is often the case when a miraculous personality change occurs, James had an ulterior motive. </p><p>“It’s never going to work,” hissed Peter from his left.</p><p>James shushed him. All he had to do was convince Professor McGonagall to bend the rules, just an inch. It was, as Sirius and Peter had assured him all morning, impossible. But impossible had never stopped James Potter before.</p><p>He sat upright and attentive through Professor McGonagall’s lecture on Vanishing spells and even volunteered to distribute the box of mice around the class. It was a mark of how committed he was to the cause that he resisted the temptation to drop one down the back of Lily Evans’ robes.</p><p>As the class went about poking and prodding and muttering incantations over their unfortunate mice, James waited. The wooing of a professor was a very subtle art, deeply reliant on both good timing and preparation. James had stayed up late the night before, well after his friends had gone to sleep, and woke even earlier than usual to practice his Vanishing spell. He was possessed of a determination he had never before felt. </p><p>It had started upon waking Remus from his violent nightmare the other morning. James had not yet forgotten the blood dribbling down Remus’s cheek, the look of terror and misery in his eyes. It had intensified all day long as he watched his friend sleep-walk from class to class, insisting he had to get to prefect duties with Evans, even though he was all but dead on his feet. He’d paid dearly for the over-exertion the next day, and finally James and Sirius had bullied him into skipping Potions to get some sleep. He didn’t even try to get out of bed this morning, and so they’d left him coiled in a tight cramp under the covers, a grimace of agony etched into his sleeping face.</p><p>James hated this. He hated the feeling of helplessness that came over him in the days preceding the full moon. Remus had once jokingly announced that James’s problem was that he’d never been told he couldn’t do something. In a sense, this was true. James had not yet found a problem he couldn’t solve nor a dare he wouldn’t take. He wasn’t about to give up on this one, either.</p><p>Next to him, Sirius was slowly spinning his mouse in the air with his wand, watching curiously as it squirmed.</p><p>“Oi,” James muttered. “Best behavior today, remember?”</p><p>Sirius let the mouse fall back to the table with a squeak and made a face.</p><p>“Right,” James muttered to himself, glancing up at Professor McGonagall, who was walking through the aisles of desks, observing and occasionally critiquing her students. When she was just a few paces away from him, James turned back to his mouse. It gave him a rather pitiful look that seemed to say, “Why me?”. He raised his wand, muttered the incantation, and the mouse vanished. James grinned.</p><p>A few moments later, Professor McGonagall was at his desk. James was leaning back in his chair, watching Peter’s attempts to keep his rather spry mouse contained. “Potter?” Professor McGonagall peered down at him. “Where is your mouse?”</p><p>“Vanished, Professor,” said James politely.</p><p>Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrows. “Vanished? As in, vanished with your wand, or made a break for it as Mr. Pettigrew’s is clearly endeavoring?”</p><p>Peter turned slightly pink and cupped the squirming mouse in his hand.</p><p>James smiled. “Vanished with my wand, Professor.”</p><p>Professor McGonagall’s eyebrows climbed further still. He wondered vaguely if it was some sort of record, vanishing a mouse of the first try. Of course, it <em>hadn’t</em> been his first try — he’d practiced all last night on a dormouse he’d rescued from Mrs. Norris, the caretaker’s cat — but no one needed to know that. </p><p>“Hmm,” said Professor McGonagall, and she strode to the front of the classroom, retrieved a wriggling mouse from her desk drawer, and placed it in front of James. “Please try again.”</p><p>Most of the class was watching now. James gave his wand a small wave and vanished the second mouse. Professor McGonagall was clearly impressed. “Very good, Potter. Ten points to Gryffindor.” Then, with a quick whip of her wand, she brought the mouse back. It sat in a dazed squeak on the desk for a moment before she transfigured it into a small, fluffy kitten. “Now, as we have a good half of the class left, I’d like you to try and vanish this instead.”</p><p>“Ah, that’s no fair,” complained James. “It’s too cute to vanish!”</p><p>Professor McGonagall then did something that James knew was both rare and important: She smiled. “Then bring it back again,” she said, and she walked briskly on to the next line of students.</p><p>“Poor thing,” said James, patting the kitten fondly on its head. “You’re having a very confusing day, aren’t you?”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>By the end of class, Sirius had vanished his mouse as well, as James had known he would. Sirius couldn’t stand it when James mastered a spell he hadn’t. If it had been anyone else, James would’ve been annoyed he’d managed it without all the intense practice he himself had put in, but James couldn’t begrudge his best friend his brilliance.</p><p>Peter’s mouse, on the other hand, had taken a very non-magical route of vanishing: through students’ feet and out into the corridor where, James feared, it was likely to become Mrs. Norris’s afternoon tea.</p><p>James, for his part, had indeed vanished the kitten early on and spent the majority of the period searching through his textbook for tips on un-vanishing mammals. He had un-vanished the mouse the night before, but the kitten was proving a great deal more difficult. Finally, as restless students began to pack up their bags and return still-present mice to the front of the class, he managed it.</p><p>The kitten reappeared with a slightly drunken mewl, blinking its wide eyes at him.</p><p>“Hello!” said James, scooping it up happily. The bell rang and students poured out into the corridor. James told his friends he’d meet up with them at lunch and readied himself for the task at hand.</p><p>He made a bit of a show of putting his book back into his bag and was secretly very irritated when Alodie Blunt and Wenyi Feng both stopped to coo at the kitten, but at last the classroom emptied and James approached Professor McGonagall’s desk, kitten tucked in his arms. She was perusing the essays they had just turned in, though unfortunately not his. James cleared his throat. “Excuse me, Professor?”</p><p>She looked up, saw the kitten, and gave him another small smile. That was a good sign. “You did excellent work today, Potter,” she said, reclaiming the kitten from his arms. “I’m impressed.”</p><p>“Thank you,” said James. “Er — Professor, I was wondering if I might ask you about something?”</p><p>Professor McGonagall set the kitten down. “Yes?”</p><p>He had to be careful now. He couldn’t lay it on too thick. Professor McGonagall had known him for years, and he hadn’t exactly been a bastion of model behavior. She wouldn’t believe that he was suddenly a perfect student to be unequivocally trusted merely because he’d managed to vanish a kitten.</p><p>But the kitten gave him an idea. </p><p>“I was just wondering…what happens to things — particularly living things — when they’re vanished? I mean, where do they go, if we can summon them back again?” Purely academic. Safe. If this worked… “The textbook gives a very unsatisfactory answer,” he added quickly.</p><p>Professor McGonagall considered him from behind her square glasses. “That is a very philosophical question, Potter. The popular theory — and the one with which I generally align — is that they vanish into nonbeing.”</p><p>“Nonbeing, Professor?”</p><p>“Yes, nonbeing, or in other words, everything. Again, there are other theories. A great number of books have been written on the topic, in fact. I could recommend a few if you like.”</p><p>“Yes please, Professor,” said James. “Though, I’ve read most that are available in the library.”</p><p>“Have you?” his professor said in a tone of blunt surprise.</p><p>“<em>Theories of Transubstantial Transfiguration, The Entropy of Transmutation, The Essential Equilibrium</em>…” he rattled off a few titles. Professor McGonagall was giving him a very strange look, but he plowed on. “I liked Parsons’ theory most, about how nothing is created and nothing is destroyed, that everything exists as a part of something else…for all eternity, transmuting and transfiguring into other beings or objects.”</p><p>“Parsons is considered somewhat controversial,” Professor McGonagall half-murmured, “but I agree, it’s a very satisfying theory, that transfiguration is the world’s most natural state.”</p><p>“‘Change is the eternal constant,’” quoted James.</p><p>Professor McGonagall adjusted her glasses with a thoughtful nudge, peering at him with that same strange expression.</p><p>“But what about human transfiguration?” said James. “Animagi? It’s a murky area, isn’t it? Philosophically, I mean. All the books I’ve read have been very vague about the actual process, but it’s wandless magic, which doesn’t seem to fit with most standard views of Transfiguration, but aligns very nicely with Parsons.”</p><p>“I didn’t realize you were so interested in Transfigurative Theory, Potter.”</p><p>“Oh, yeah. I’m fascinated by it…” He was getting carried away. He needed to wrap it up. “Sorry. I’m taking up too much of your time. I was just interested in your perspective, that’s all." A careful drop of flattery...not too blatant, not too bold. "<em>You</em> studied advanced Transfiguration here when you were a student, didn’t you, Professor?”</p><p>“Yes,” said Professor McGonagall slowly. “But what you’re discussing is N.E.W.T.-level magic, at the minimum, certainly not covered until seventh year.”</p><p>“Yeah,” said James with a theatrical sigh. “I know. Patience is a virtue and all that, but so is a thirst for knowledge, isn’t it? I've read every book I can get my hands on, I've combed the shelves of the library, and the only title I've found that seems like it addresses the subject at all is in the Restricted Section.”</p><p>Professor McGonagall frowned. “Which book is that?” </p><p>“<em>The Infallible Animagus.</em> I’d really like to read it, Professor. I don’t suppose there’s any way you’d—”</p><p>“It’s restricted for a reason. Such magic is not to be explored carelessly, Potter. It can be extremely dangerous with irreversible effects…”</p><p>“I know that! I’m not trying to use it, I just want to understand the underlying principles. You know, how it fits in with Parsons versus the other theories.”</p><p>Professor McGonagall gave him a long, hard look, and his hope faltered. Peter was right. There was no way she’d buy this. </p><p>But then she sighed. “I don't often say this, Potter, but you are one of the most promising students I've had in the subject in quite a while. As a teacher, it's always gratifying when a student shows talent in your subject, particularly one of your own house…I’d be lying if I said I wasn't eager to see what you will accomplish in the future.”</p><p>James tried not to fidget. </p><p>“However, you also have a dangerous streak. I believe you’ve had more than one detention for an illicit spell gone wrong.”</p><p>“Just minor hexes and jinxes, Professor.”</p><p>She thought a moment. James didn’t dare speak. “If you promise me,” said Professor McGongall slowly, “that you will only use this book for the advancement of your own education...”</p><p>“I swear it, Professor!” said James, trying and failing to suppress his excitement. “You’ll sign for me to get the book out?”</p><p>“If I get the faintest whiff of you experimenting with dangerous magic…”</p><p>“You won’t. Not a whiff. Completely odor-free.”</p><p>Professor McGonagall’s lips twitched. “Very well.” She pulled a piece of parchment from her desk drawer and scribbled a note across it.</p><p>James couldn’t quite resist topping the final cherry on his Teacher’s Pet sundae… “And you said you had other titles to recommend as well?”</p><p>“Indeed, I did.” And she wrote these down too. </p><p>The note clutched firmly in his hand, James thanked her profusely, a feeling of giddy triumph swelling in his chest. </p><p>Professor McGonagall merely smiled and said, “You’d better hurry if you want to get any lunch, Potter.”</p><p>“Thanks again, Professor. Really. Oh, and one more question.”</p><p>“Yes, Potter?”</p><p>“Can I keep the kitten?”</p><p>“No, Potter.”<br/>
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<hr/><p> </p><p>It was all James could do not to run to the library right then and there. But — no, he would wait until dinner, when he could slip in unnoticed. That was the wise way to do it. Still, it was a struggle, guiding his feet towards the Great Hall when the grail of his quest was glimmering so tantalizingly in the opposite direction.</p><p>He found Sirius and Peter at the Gryffindor table; they looked up at him expectantly, and James grinned. “Pete, you owe me a galleon.”</p><p>“You’re kidding!”</p><p>“No way did that actually work!”</p><p>James waved the little piece of parchment adorned with McGonagall’s signature before his friends’ disbelieving eyes, then tucked it away in his pocket where it burned like a talisman. For the rest of the day, James was practically humming with anticipation. He fidgeted his way through Defense Against the Dark Arts, hardly paying any mind to Professor Dearborn’s demonstration of the Impedimenta jinx and distinctly slacking off during the practical portion of the class. </p><p>When at last the bell rang for dinner and a river of students flowed towards the Great Hall, James turned and marched deliberately upstream, towards the fourth floor and into the library where his prize awaited.</p><p>He approached the desk of Madam Pince, the thin, arch of a librarian who kept her stacks like a taut ship, and handed her the note from McGonagall with something akin to swagger. He was feeling very pleased with himself. Too many times had he slogged through these shelves, only to be refused the information he so desired. Today, he would not be denied.</p><p>He handed her the note, and she examined it closely before stalking off to the Restricted Section. James leaned his elbows casually on the edge of the desk, a small smile still perched on his lips. </p><p>“Here to check out <em>Quidditch 101</em>?” said a slippery voice from behind him. “Or perhaps <em>What To Do When You’ve Been Hit With A Bludger One Too Many Times</em>?”</p><p>James turned slowly, the smile sliding from his face like mud. A sneer replaced it as he looked into the sallow face of Severus Snape. “Do you live here?” said James. “Honestly, Snivellus, did they kick you out of the Slytherin dorms?”</p><p>Snape’s lip curled in contempt. “I, unlike you, put some stock in academics over chasing a ball around a field.”</p><p>“Yes, well, that’s because you can’t even mount a broomstick, so forgive me if I’m not too nettled.” With a disdainful snort, James turned back to the desk.</p><p>“Funny, isn’t it, how you never hex me when it’s just you, one-on-one,” said Snape. “So much for the brave at heart.”</p><p>“Oh, would you like me to hex you?” said James, rising to the bait and turning on his heel. “Because I can take care of that for you very easily. Never doubt it. However, I’ve got something rather more pressing on my mind than your flimsy ego, so—”</p><p>“Anything to do with your poor, sick, little friend?” </p><p>James felt his insides turn to ice, and again he wondered, <em>how much had he heard?</em> When he spoke, his voice was quiet and hard: “You want to be very, very careful, Snivellus. I’m not always going to be in such a magnanimous mood.”</p><p>“I’m quaking in my boots.”</p><p>“You ought to.”</p><p>They glared at each other, and James fingered the wand in his pocket. How tempting it was…but no, now was not the time. Luckily, before he lost his resolve, Madam Pince plodded back, a heavy, tattered tome in her arms. Its gold-leaf title was peeling off the edges, and James shoved it into his bag quickly before Snape could get a good look.</p><p>Madam Pince regarded this rough treatment of library property with a strained expression as though she had swallowed glass. She looked ready to tell him off, so James quickly said, “Thanks!” and dashed out the library.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Dinner was a brief matter of shoving forkfuls of food into his mouth at the quickest speed he could muster. Then, with a mild case of indigestion, he took off for Gryffindor Tower, his friends at his heels. After briefly checking on Remus and refusing his protestations that he needed to get up to write an essay for Defense Against the Dark Arts (“I’ll write it for you, Remus, forget it,” said Sirius.), they returned to the common room and set up camp at their usual spot by the fire. Glancing around to make sure no unwanted eyes were peering their way, James pulled <em>The Infallible Animagus</em> from his bag. It was heavy and grimy, and its pages smelled of mildew, as though no one had bothered with it in quite a long time. From their perch to his side, Sirius and Peter watched with anticipation as James turned the cover and opened the book.</p><p>“I half-expected it to start singing,” said Peter with a distinct sense of anti-climax.</p><p>James ignored him, peeling through the skin-thin sheets of parchment, its text curling strange paths along the page. “Well, it’s not exactly a 1-2-3 guide,” he said slowly, tracing his finger along the text. “But I’ve never seen most of this before, so it’s definitely progress.”</p><p>“Oi, prefect alert, mate,” said Sirius suddenly.</p><p>James looked up sharply, shoving the book out of view. Lily Evans was approaching them. He quickly pulled out a piece of parchment and pretended to be thoroughly engrossed — though in fact it was merely a despoiled scrap that he and Sirius had filled with doodles during History of Magic.</p><p>“Hey,” said Lily, having reached them.</p><p>James looked up, as though surprised to see her. She stood before them, her bag slung over her shoulder, hip jutted out in a forced-casual stance that said quite firmly: <em>I’m only stopping in passing</em>. She was not looking at him. He noticed how she had her hair pulled back in a loose braid today, stray wisps of red fluttering around her face. The overall effect, he thought, was actually rather nice. He ran a hand through his own hair and said in an almost theatrically indifferent tone, “All right, Evans?”</p><p>“I was wondering if you’d seen Remus around?” she asked the space between Peter and Sirius.</p><p>“Er—” said Peter.</p><p>“He’s up in the dorms,” said Sirius. “Having a nap, I think.”</p><p>Her brow furrowed in concern. “He’s still not feeling well, then?” she said, and her voice took on a softer tone she had never used for James. “I’d hoped he’d be better today.”</p><p>“I’m sure he’ll pep up over the weekend,” said James cheerfully. “Poor Remus. He has the immune system of a kicked puppy.”</p><p>“Right.” Lily frowned as she turned to face James for the first time in the conversation. “Well, could you give him these then?” She rummaged in her bag and pulled out a few rolls of parchment. “He missed Ancient Runes, so I made him a copy of my notes…and we have a prefect meeting tonight, but since he’s obviously still sick, you can let him know I’ll cover for him, all right?”</p><p>“That’s nice of you,” said James, who was quite sure Remus had forgotten all about the meeting.</p><p>“Yeah, well…” She shifted a bit awkwardly, clearly having exhausted her only reason for talking to him. “See you later.”</p><p>“See you,” said James. His eyes followed her as she strolled away to the other end of the common room, then he turned his gaze to the parchment in his hand. It was densely covered in her curving script, and since James knew next to nothing about Ancient Runes, it wasn’t very interesting. Still, he felt drawn to examine it a moment longer. He noticed how the dots of her ‘i’s and the punctuation marks were occasionally smudged, and how the sides of the parchment had been decorated in little doodles, a garden of inked flowers blooming up the margins. Out of nowhere, he felt a sudden, wild desire to fold the parchment up, shove it in his pocket and keep it for himself. But of course, he did no such thing. He could feel Sirius watching him, so he pushed the parchment away with a grunt and looked up at his friends. </p><p>“So,” he said, eyes alight with the gleam of mischief, “are you ready to become Animagi?”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Of course, it wasn’t that easy. Perhaps a bit naively, James had been hoping the book would simply tell him what do. He had assumed, or perhaps fantasized, that hidden behind the untouchable bindings of the Restricted Section’s ancient tomes lay answers, clear and true answers, as if he merely need choose the right book, turn to page six-hundred-and-twelve, utter an incantation, and boom: Animagus.</p><p>After several hours of perusing its cryptic pages, however, James was beginning to feel that <em>The Infallible Animagus</em> was not much more than a riddle put to print. Peter and Sirius had quickly lost interest in watching their friend pour over the musty pages of an old library book and had begun a game of exploding snap instead. Following the swirling text with his forefinger, page after page, James barely noticed Sirius’s grumbled, “Best two out of three, then,” or the faint scent of singed hair that wafted his way.</p><p>
  <em>The moste ancient magicks of the Animagus require a man in three parts: The mind, the spirit, the noble heart.</em>
</p><p>What the hell was that supposed to mean?</p><p>
  <em>The spell of transformation is a question bent around a body new; everything alters, but the mind stays true.</em>
</p><p>Despite his frustration, he carried on, sifting through riddle and rhyme for hours until Sirius and Peter announced it was time for bed. “Not yet,” said James, without looking up from his book. “You go ahead. I’ll be up shortly.”</p><p>“Don’t forget you have Quidditch tomorrow.”</p><p>“I know! Thirty minutes. I’ll be up.”</p><p>An hour passed, and James hadn’t moved. He just had to get through it, he thought determinedly. The whole book couldn’t be simple nonsense, or why would they bother to lock it up in the Restricted Section? <em>Or maybe</em>, a voice of doubt whispered in his mind, <em>maybe it</em> is <em>just nonsense and that’s why Professor McGonagall let you have it in the first place. </em></p><p>He groaned and repositioned himself on the sofa. He hated a puzzle he couldn’t solve. And so, by the wavering light of a charmed candle, James plowed his way through the book, and maybe it was merely his exhaustion, or maybe it was the trance-like flickering of the candlelight upon parchment, but somehow…it started making sense.</p><p>
  <em>Earth is earth and sky is sky but sky is wind and earth is stone and stone is dust and dust will fly.</em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A quick note on canon: I tend to view Pottermore (and all post-book authorial additions) as the froyo shop of the Harry Potter canon. There are a plethora of toppings from which to choose, some of which I am delighted by, but occasionally you come across something like gummy bears and you’re like, uh, I don’t want gummy bears in my froyo! Some people do and that’s great! But I do not. (And then sometimes when you’re not looking the froyo shop owner adds like fifty new toppings and you’re like ??? What the heck am I supposed to do with all this?? Sliced grapes?? Wizards that don’t use toilets?? I never asked for this, I’m overwhelmed and a little grossed out!!)</p><p>Anyway, as is perhaps evident by the end of this chapter, I am not strictly following the Animagus instructions that were released on Pottermore. Mostly because...I didn't like them. But also because I wrote much of this before I even realized that was a thing released unto the world. </p><p>As far as canon goes, I'm a "Original seven books are canon, Pottermore is a froyo shop, and Cursed Child never happened" kind of gal. Just a heads up in case you care about that sort of thing. :)</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Sirius Black Was Here</h2></a>
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<h1>SIRIUS</h1>
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<h2>Sirius Black Was Here</h2><p>In the morning light of the common room, positioned in a contemplative perch on an ottoman, Sirius Black was facing a minor philosophical quandary. Before him lay his best friend: James was sprawled spider-limbed on the sofa, his glasses skewed, his mouth hanging slightly open, <em>The Infallible Animagus</em> tucked under his arm like a teddybear. He must’ve slept there all night. He had Quidditch practice in — Sirius checked his watch — thirteen minutes.</p><p>Which gave Sirius very little time to make a decision.</p><p>He ran through the options in his mind. He could steal his glasses (gauche, but always entertaining) and simply wait for Montgomery to come furiously corral his half-blind Chaser to practice. He could jinx his feet together, then startle him awake and watch him fall over. Or he could go a more subtle route…well, maybe ‘subtle’ wasn’t the right word.</p><p>Grinning, Sirius reached for a quill, dipped it in a pot of purple ever-lasting ink, and went to work. James snuffled once or twice as the tip of the quill tickled his cheek, but he remained steadfastly asleep. Once he had finished, Sirius took a step back to admire his handiwork. Satisfied, he stuffed the quill and ink pot out of sight, then gave James a none-so-gentle nudge.</p><p>“Oi, mate. Get up.”</p><p>“Whaaarrgh,” said James.</p><p>“Get up, you prat, you’ve got Quidditch in ten minutes.”</p><p>At this, James bolted upright, and his glasses were flung from their ever-precarious perch on his nose. He blinked madly, scrambling around for the missing specs. Sirius picked them up and shoved them onto his friend’s newly-decorated face, trying not to smirk. “Thanks,” said James groggily. “Shit. I can’t believe I slept this late.”</p><p>“Were you reading that thing all night?”</p><p>James looked down at the old book, as if surprised to see it. “Oh. Yeah, guess so. Hell, Montgomery’s going to skin me.”</p><p>“Not if you run,” Sirius advised. “You’ve still got time.”</p><p>“Yeah." James hopped up and mussed his hair so it looked even worse. “Here, you take this. See if you can work anything out.” He shoved <em>The Infallible Animagus</em> into Sirius’s hands.</p><p>“You got it. Now go!”</p><p>“Thanks, mate!” hollered James, hurrying out the portrait hole. “I owe you one!”</p><p>Snickering, Sirius turned back towards the dormitory, where he found Peter watching him, eyebrows raised. “You,” said Peter, “are a complete arse.”</p><p>Sirius beamed. “Breakfast?”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>He returned to Gryffindor Tower on his own, leaving Peter to his finish breakfast by himself. He’d been taking too long, so Sirius had left, carrying a stack of toast in one arm and a copy of the <em>Daily Prophet</em> in the other. When he reached the dormitory, he threw the <em>Prophet</em> onto his bed and marched across the room to Remus’s four-poster. The curtains were only half-drawn, and Sirius swept them aside to find Remus curled on the mattress, his face locked in a grimace, eyes shut, pallid and pained.</p><p>Sirius frowned. He’d forgotten how bad the full moons were for Remus. Stuck moping around Black Hall this summer, Sirius had on occasion imagined Remus locked in his parents’ cellar during the moon and felt a sort of commiseration: two boys trapped, clawing at the walls to get out. But he hadn’t spared a thought for this part, the miserable days leading up to the moment of transformation.</p><p>It seemed like it was worse this year, but maybe Sirius was just paying more attention. In the past, he’d always viewed Remus’s transformations in a vaguely sterile way, as if Remus simply went away for a while, and then came back. Sure, he’d seen the cuts and bruises, but Madam Pomfrey always cleaned them up well enough, and Remus didn’t dwell on it, preferring to pretend there was no gash upon his cheek, no bruise blacking his eye. Sirius was happy enough to follow his lead. As a matter of fact, for a long time Sirius had tried not to think about Remus’s transformations at all.</p><p>“I brought you some breakfast,” he said, setting the toast down on the table beside Remus’s bed.</p><p>Remus stirred. “M’not hungry.”</p><p>“You should eat <em>something</em>.”</p><p>“I’ll puke.”</p><p>“Have it your way.”</p><p>Sirius dropped himself onto the sofa and summoned the <em>Daily Prophet</em> with a yawn. The newspaper zoomed across the room and fell into his lap. He made it a point these days to keep up with current events. It helped him feel in control to know what was going on, even when most of his peers didn’t bother with politics. Sirius had spent many years feeling uninformed and wrong-footed on this subject, and it was not an experience he enjoyed.</p><p>Today, however, when he picked up the newspaper, he nearly dropped it. He stared aghast at the headline that blared at him.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
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    <strong>MURDER AT THE MINISTRY: SENIOR OFFICIAL ASSASSINATED</strong>
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    <em>Ministry sources have confirmed that Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Harmonia Lufkin, was murdered on Ministry premises in what appears to be a politically-motivated attack. Lufkin, 51, was well-known in the Ministry for her ardent belief in Muggle rights and occasionally combative relationship with Minister for Magic, Eugenia Jenkins…</em>
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</blockquote><p>“Fucking hell,” Sirius breathed. He skimmed the rest of the article, looking for the name of the perpetrator, a sick feeling in his stomach as he wondered if it was someone from his own family tree…but the article ended on a very unsatisfactory note:</p>
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    <em>A suspect was apprehended at the scene of the crime, but further details have not yet been released. Investigators have yet to uncover a clear motive for the attack.</em>
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</blockquote><p>Sirius threw down the paper in disgust. Motive? It was obviously an attack by Death Eaters. Harmonia Lufkin…he’d heard Lucius Malfoy talk about her over the summer. She was pro-Muggle — whatever that actually meant from Malfoy’s warped perspective — and was apparently pushing some unpopular legislation…and for that, she was murdered.</p><p>Suddenly feeling restless, Sirius stood and stretched. He wished James would get back soon. Or even Peter. He didn’t like being left alone with his thoughts. He glanced back over at Remus, who had tucked his head in the crook of his arm, evidently asleep.</p><p>The stack of toast remained untouched.</p><p>As it always did when he thought too deeply for too long, a tickle of guilt stroked his memory.</p><p>These days, Sirius had begun to construct something of a revisionist fairytale of his childhood: The Lone Gryffindor. The black sheep of the Blacks. He’d <em>always</em> believed his parents were evil…he’d <em>always</em> denounced their views as wrong…he’d <em>never</em> wanted to be in Slytherin at all…he’d come to Hogwarts and been sorted into Gryffindor because he was <em>different</em>, he was <em>good</em>, and the Sorting Hat recognized this in him and rewarded him accordingly.</p><p>It was a nice story, and it was bullshit.</p><p>Once the initial high of getting sorted into Gryffindor — of breaking the rules — had worn off, Sirius had been devastated. The hateful letter from his mother, the pitying looks from Narcissa, his cousins’ cruel taunts…It had all been rather a lot for the once-coddled boy to bear.</p><p>His only consolation had been James. James, who had quickly proven himself to be as funny and clever a friend as he’d tempted on the train. James, who had once rebuked him so severely after hearing Sirius refer to another student as a Mudblood that it nearly wrecked their friendship. James, who was slowly but surely battering down the social barricades of that strange, quiet boy in their dormitory with the scars across his face.</p><p>It hadn’t been his fault, Sirius told himself furiously. If he’d accidentally absorbed some of his family’s beliefs, it hadn’t been his fault. He hadn’t meant to. For fuck’s sake, he had only been a child. When a parent tells a child that something is evil, he listens, doesn’t he?</p><p>Sirius had listened. He had listened for eleven years of his life as his mother railed against the Muggle scum that scurried through the streets of London like rats through sewers. He had listened to Aunt Elladora, praising some cousin’s attempts to force through the legalization of Muggle-hunting. He had listened to Uncle Cygnus spitting about the disgrace of Mudbloods attending Hogwarts. And he had listened to his father, returning from some meeting at the Ministry, a snarl on his tongue about filthy half-breeds, about the dirty, disgusting, soulless under-humans known as werewolves. “The Ministry should kill them all on sight, if you ask me,” his father had said, sipping his tea from a fine bone-china cup and folding open a neatly-pressed newspaper.</p><p>Across from him, Remus groaned. Sirius looked up sharply, lest the boy begin to claw at his face again, but Remus merely curled further into the covers. Sirius repositioned himself on the sofa and continued to watch his friend.</p><p>If there had been one thing in his life that had finally, thoroughly convinced him his parents’ views were wrong, it had been Remus Lupin. Sirius had liked the shy boy immediately — or at least, once they’d finally got him to talk. He was funny, in a sly, sardonic way that belied his young age, but also friendly and <em>nice</em> — nice in a way Sirius had never realized people could be.</p><p>It was weird, of course, the way the boy disappeared every month, but Sirius had always liked a good puzzle, and he’d quickly set himself to solving this one. He’d been the one to figure it out, too. When at last they had done the math and checked the charts and added up all the facts in an orderly queue, Sirius hadn’t known what to say. Remus Lupin, the funny and friendly and quiet and nice boy with whom he had lived for a year and a half, was a dirty, disgusting, soulless werewolf.</p><p>“Cool,” Sirius had said, because that was the sort of thing the person he wanted to be would say. But it hadn’t been cool. It had been horrifying. His mother had warned him that Gryffindor House was a cesspool of half-breeds and Muggle filth, but surely even she hadn’t anticipated a werewolf. By this time, Sirius had accepted that his parents were extremists in their views on blood purity. There were Muggle-borns in his classes, and they seemed okay. James, though also pure-blood, had quickly taken Sirius to task anytime he’d let slip something his parents had put on his tongue, and for a long time Sirius had felt on guard, trying to suss out what was right and what was not. But his parents were not outliers among the Wizarding community when it came to werewolves. Everyone hated werewolves.</p><p>And James, of course, hadn’t even blinked.</p><p>Sirius wanted to rewrite the story. He wanted to erase the memories of the doubts he’d had when they’d finally learned what Remus was. He wanted to be the hero, the one who didn’t give a damn, the one who didn’t immediately think of his father and the look of disgust on his face as he spat out the word ‘werewolf.’</p><p>He wanted the fairytale version to be true.</p><p>Sirius glanced over to his own bed where <em>The Infallible Animagus</em> was tucked under the pillows. He stood up, checked that Remus was still asleep, strode across the room, and flopped onto his bed. Then he pulled out the dusty old book and began to read.</p><p>
  <em>For in tandem the body and mind to enchant, on your tongue must you keep a leaf of Circe’s plant.</em>
</p><p>Sirius was still pouring over the book’s musty pages when Peter reappeared, muttering something about a Charms essay and plopping himself onto the sofa with a slightly despondent air. He probably wanted Sirius to help him, but Sirius was too engulfed in the weird couplets of <em>The Infallible Animagus</em> to care.</p><p>
  <em>When the moon has waxed and waned in cloud drift, only then the Mandragora may you lift.</em>
</p><p>Through this strange and frustrating maze of words, Sirius was beginning to understand the depths of magic involved in becoming an Animagus. It wasn’t just a quick spell one could spit, but a fundamental transformation of the self. You could never go back from something like this. This was old magic. This was wild. This was dangerous. This was…fucking cool.</p><p>
  <em>Earth is earth and sky is sky but sky is wind and earth is stone and stone is dust and dust will fly.</em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
“You. Colossal. Prick.”</p><p>Sirius pulled himself from the mire of his reading, lifting his head as though the threads of his thoughts were still tied to the page. James was standing in the doorway, hands on his hips, feet apart in an aggressive stance, his fearsome scowl utterly undermined by the artwork of his face. Sirius burst out laughing.</p><p>In his haste this morning, Sirius hadn’t taken the proper time to appreciate his artistry. In flowing purple ink, James sported a handlebar mustache, a unibrow, a hodge-podge of heart-shaped freckles, and, on one cheek, the words: <em>Shhh…he doesn’t know!</em> and crowning his forehead: <em>Sirius Black was here.</em></p><p>Peter was laughing now too.</p><p>“It’s not funny!” complained James. “I went through all of Quidditch practice like this <em>and</em> breakfast! You know who finally told me? The <em>only</em> person who bothered to tell me? Lily bloody Evans!”</p><p>At this, the boys roared with laughter.</p><p>“Errrr…Potter,” James imitated in a high-pitched voice. “You might want to…er…look in a mirror. You’ve got a little something on your face.”</p><p>“Figures she’d be the spoilsport,” said Sirius, wiping a tear from his eye. “We might’ve kept this going all day.”</p><p>“I thought we made a rule third year not to mess with people when they’re sleeping!”</p><p>“That rule only applies if you’re in your own bed and have your shoes off, idiot. Face it, you were fair game.”</p><p>James sighed and began to untie his trainers. “Yeah, all right. You better watch out, though. Nod off just once…”</p><p>“Noted,” said Sirius with a grin.</p><p>“Everyone in this school is mean.”</p><p>“Except Evans, apparently.”</p><p>James scoffed. “Sure.”</p><p>“What are you all going on about now?” came a faint voice from the other side of the room. Remus had at last awoken, his bleary face peering out from behind the curtains. Sirius surreptitiously shoved <em>The Infallible Animagus</em> under his bedcovers.</p><p>“He lives!” cried James, kicking off his second shoe and, bounding happily over to Remus’s bed, he propped himself on the edge.</p><p>Remus stared at him for a moment, taking in the full effect of Sirius’s artwork. Then he too burst out laughing, a wheezy, rough laugh that racked his body. He rolled back on the bed, convulsed this time with giggles rather than pain. After a moment, he pushed himself back up and tried to say something, caught sight of James again, and fell back into helpless laughter.</p><p>James looked sheepishly back at Sirius, a rueful grin on his face. Catching Sirius’s eye, James mouthed: “Worth it.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>After forcing Remus to eat at least <em>one</em> piece of toast, the four boys trekked down to the hospital wing. James had spent a solid thirty minutes scrubbing his face, and to Sirius’s disappointment, most of the ink had come off, though his skin had a slightly purplish tinge.</p><p>“They really need to work on the ‘ever-lasting’ part of ‘ever-lasting ink,’” Sirius said mournfully, to which James responded by flipping him a rather purple finger.</p><p>When they arrived, the boys were heartened to see the hospital wing was empty of other patients. What with the full moon falling so obligingly on a weekend and the hospital wing empty of witnesses, perhaps they’d make it through the moon without anyone noticing Remus’s absence.</p><p>The hospital wing was run by a wispy-haired witch named Madam Pomfrey. She was strict, but they all liked her well enough. She was fond of Remus, which was probably why she was more lenient than she’d usually be with the three friends who showed up each month after the full moon, insisting they be let in with sweets and games. As they entered, Madam Pomfrey bustled forward, immediately inspecting Remus for signs of poor health.</p><p>“Oh, Remus. What’ve you done to your face?” she demanded, turning his head gently to the side and clucking her tongue. The scars of the other morning’s nightmare were still etched along his cheek.</p><p>“It’s nothing, Madam Pomfrey,” Remus muttered, pulling away.</p><p>“You’ve been having the nightmares again, haven’t you?”</p><p>“Really, it’s nothing.”</p><p>Madam Pomfrey sighed. “Well, come on then,” she said briskly. “Let’s get you all sorted for tonight.”</p><p>She led him over to a smartly-made hospital bed with a curtain drawn around it. Remus looked unbearably glum as he turned away from his friends. “See you,” he said.</p><p>“We’ll be here first thing tomorrow,” James told him.</p><p>“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” said Sirius.</p><p>“Good luck,” offered Peter uncertainly.</p><p>Remus gave them a small half-moon of a smile, but as Madam Pomfrey handed him a set of hospital robes and drew the curtains shut, Sirius caught a glimpse of the smile fading into an expression of abject misery.</p><p>
  
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. The Howling Nights</h2></a>
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<h1>REMUS</h1>
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<h2>The Howling Nights</h2><p>The streets of Hogsmeade were as quiet as an encroaching fog. The lights of shops dimmed as clocks ticked past closing-time, and up and down High Street the only source of noise came from beyond the warm windows of The Three Broomsticks, a glowing ember of activity in the sleeping village. Three witches stumbled merrily out its front doors, spilling light and music into the evening hush.</p><p>Then — piercing through the night came a howl, the sort of howl that curls the hair on chins and raises goose-pimples on flesh. It was an inhuman shriek of agony, of fury, of pain…and it swirled through the silence of the village like a gust of icy wind, shuttering windows and whipping at the hems of robes.</p><p>The residents of Hogsmeade burrowed a little deeper into their beds, their parlors, their pints at the pub. They knew the noise, and they knew from whence it came. </p><p>No one could remember precisely when the Shrieking Shack was built, but neither could anyone remember a time a when it wasn’t there. It sat upon a hill, comfortably away from the rest of the village, tottering and old, with boarded up windows, so sealed with magic and might that no one had ever laid claim to sneaking inside its creaking walls. It was indisputably the most haunted dwelling in Britain — ghosts of a nasty sort — and while residents may claim this as a badge of honor during the day, when the howling nights came, many wished it weren’t so.</p><p>Spitting and snarls and crashes and wails blew in upon the wind that night. Knowing looks were exchanged by the weary and ghost stories swapped along with a pint. A giggle with a flinch, a grin with a groan. </p><p>The night droned on through shriek and shrill, and eventually the screams slowed to an inaudible whimper, and finally, finally, the howling night was over.</p><p>Yet no one knew that as dawn rose, locked behind the enchanted walls of the Shrieking Shack, a body lay among the rubble and split timber: a boy — a child — his body bereft of robes, the soft, human flesh carved with sprawling, slicing cuts. </p><p>The blade of this boy's shoulder jutted into the air like a knife as he pushed himself up, but, with a wince and a whimper, he quickly crashed back to the floor, cheek to wood. His arm wasn’t working properly…it twisted at an impossible angle. His face was black and blue, his fingers bloodied, his nails shredded to bits.</p><p>Then — from within the haunted walls of the Shrieking Shack came a very different noise, one too quiet to carry on the wind, but ghostly all the same: Remus Lupin began to weep.</p><p> </p>
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“You’re early.”</p><p>“We’re right on time!”</p><p>“He’s not ready to see you yet. He needs rest.”</p><p>“<em>Don’t</em> turn us away. Look, we brought sweets! Fancy a chocolate frog? Sugar mouse? Jelly Slug?”</p><p>“You can’t bribe your way into the hospital wing, Potter.”</p><p>“Please, Madam Pomfrey. He wants to see us. We said we’d be here first thing in the morning, and we’re here. We promised. Please let us in.”</p><p>A deep sigh, a rumble of misgivings. </p><p>Remus listened to this exchange from behind the crisp hospital curtains that surrounded his bed. A feeling of dread overwhelmed him. He did not want his friends to see him like this: his arm in a sling, his eyes bloodied, one lid swollen shut, his face black and blue. <em>Send them away,</em> he thought desperately. <em>Make them leave and come back later.</em></p><p>“Oh, very well,” said the matron at last. “But you will remain quiet and calm, or I will kick you out before you can say ‘ice mice.’ Understood?”</p><p>“Yes, m’am!”</p><p>“Not a peep!”</p><p>Remus felt ill. He shifted in the tightly-tucked sheets of his bed, wishing he could vanish beneath them, where no scratches could be seen, those unforgiving traces of the monster that filed their way into his flesh.</p><p>Another sigh from the matron. “We got back a bit later this morning, and he hasn’t had time for all his wounds to heal. You’ll want to prepare yourselves.”</p><p>Remus imagined the confused faces of the boys on the other side of the curtain; he listened to their steps draw nearer. They had never seen him like this. Yes, they’d seen scrapes and scars, but never the immediacy of the violence that followed the moon.</p><p>And what a moon it had been — worse than any he’d had before. Madam Pomfrey had hypothesized that his transformations would intensify as he progressed through adolescence, but this theory brought Remus no comfort. He did not want the wolf to get stronger. His memories of the night, as always, were shrouded in the fog of the wolf’s mind, but they would come back to him, later…later, he would remember it all.</p><p>The footsteps stopped; chairs scraped along the floor. A rustle of gifts, packages of sweets being dumped upon a table.</p><p>“Remus?” came the matron’s kindly voice. “Your friends are here to see you.” And she pulled back the curtain.</p><p>It took a moment for the shock to register. His friends loomed around him, propped in chairs with familiar repose — how often had they sat here before? — eager grins on each face. Then, as they took in the scene, the bloodied scrape of a boy on the bed before them, horror seeped through their features. Eyes widened, corners of lips dragged down.</p><p>“Moony,” said Sirius hoarsely.</p><p>Remus tried his best to look casual, unaffected. “Morning,” he said.</p><p>“Shit, Remus,” said James, pulling his chair closer. “What happened?”</p><p>“Well, I’ve been meaning to tell you,” said Remus, “but I’m a werewolf, James.”</p><p>Sirius let out a bark of laughter; he sounded almost relieved by the presence of a joke. James gave him an uncertain smile, but Peter’s brow remained knitted in concern.</p><p>“It looks worse than it is,” Remus lied. “And, honestly, I’ll be loads better in an hour or so. The potions and creams take time, you know.”</p><p>James recovered himself first. “Well, have a chocolate frog, then. Healer’s orders.”</p><p>They began to work their way through the pile of sweets. Remus didn’t ask how they’d acquired the haul; last year James and Sirius had discovered a hidden passageway that led right to Honeydukes, the sweets shop, and since then, they’d kept themselves in constant supply of anything they might desire. Remus reached for a chocolate frog.</p><p>“You broke your arm?” asked Peter. It was the first time he’d spoken since Madam Pomfrey opened the curtain and revealed the extent of Remus’s damage. He still wore that horrified look on his face. Poor Peter, thought Remus. He was much more deeply affected by things than James or Sirius, who had an enviable ability to laugh almost anything off. They’d never notice, of course, but Peter felt things very strongly.</p><p>“It’s really nothing, Peter,” said Remus. He tried to give an unconcerned shrug, but failed. The movement made him wince, exaggerating the pain already apparent on his face.</p><p>“Doesn’t look like nothing.”</p><p>“Well, it is. You know how good Madam Pomfrey is, she fixed it up in a snap. It’s just in this sling so I don’t — I don’t know — bump it around or anything.”</p><p>“But how’d you break it?”</p><p>“He got in a fight with the Whomping Willow, mate, come on,” said Sirius rather sharply. Peter turned pink and fiddled with the wrapping of his sugar mouse. Remus felt sorry to see Peter shut down like that, but he also really didn’t want to talk about his arm, or anything that had happened during the full moon. He decided to change the subject.</p><p>“So, what did you all do last night?”</p><p>Soon, they were regaling him with tales of the puffskein that Davey Gudgeon had smuggled out of Care of Magical Creatures and fed fire whiz-bangs until it zipped around the room emitting sparks.</p><p>“But the puffskein’s <em>fine</em>, Remus, it just had a bit of gas.”</p><p>“Flammable gas.”</p><p>“Well, yes.”</p><p>“Anyway, it was all a good laugh until Evans stepped in and told Davey off.”</p><p>“Spoilsport.”</p><p>“Well, she <em>is</em> a prefect,” Remus pointed out.</p><p>“Spoilsport with a badge,” said James.</p><p>Remus smiled hazily at them. Some of the potions Madam Pomfrey had forced him to swallow before they had arrived were starting to kick in, and he was feeling very sleepy. “You really should give her a break,” he murmured, his words slurring slightly, eyelids drooping. “She’s…very nice, actually…”</p><p>“Poor lad’s delirious,” said James affectionately, and Remus drifted off to sleep.</p><p>
  
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just a small Remus moment today...You wouldn't know it from how mean I am to him, but I really do love him.</p><p>Wanted to say a quick and heartfelt thank you to everyone who has reached out to me either in the comments or on tumblr. Your kind words have truly meant so much to me and made a very shitty month much, much nicer. :)</p><p>Hope everyone is staying safe and healthy. Lots of love to you all. &lt;3</p><p>p.s. my tumblr is chdarling, if you wanna be tumblr pals ;)</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. The Slug Club</h2></a>
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<h1>LILY</h1><hr/><h2>The Slug Club</h2><p>“Ministry Spokesperson Stamford Jorkins confirmed this morning that funeral arrangements are underway for slain Ministry official Harmonia Lufkin. The Lufkin family has asked for privacy during this difficult time…”</p><p>The common room was dim with the glimmer of dusk; heavy raindrops pattered against glass panes and fires crackled in their grates. Lily was seated cross-legged on an ottoman by the window, Mary’s wireless perched on the ledge, listening to the evening broadcast. Though the radio was turned low, Lily hung on every word. </p><p>All anyone had talked about all week was the assassination of Harmonia Lufkin. Murmurs of ‘Death Eaters’ haunted the halls, and Lily had even noticed teachers with their heads bent together at breakfast or sharing a solemn aside between classes. </p><p><em>Assassination</em>. It was such a serious word that even those who preferred to ignore the news got swept up in it. In fact, it felt like the first time people were really paying attention to what was going on. Usually it was only Muggle-born students who whispered to each other about these things, but this — the murder of a high-ranking Ministry official — this affected everyone, and tremors were felt throughout the school.</p><p>“Lufkin,” continued the radio broadcaster, “who was appointed Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement under ex-Minister for Magic Nobby Leach, served in her role for nearly a decade...”</p><p>“Oh, turn that off, won’t you?” said Mary. “I can’t listen to it anymore. It’s too awful.”</p><p>Lily obliged, reaching for the wireless to turn it off, but her hand hovered over the dial as the broadcaster continued to speak.</p><p>“Earlier this evening,” said the broadcaster, “<em>Daily Prophet</em> reporter Rita Skeeter confirmed the identity of Lufkin’s assailant…”</p><p>“Hang on,” said Lily, withdrawing her hand. Mary too had sat up a little straighter. This was new information. Everyone had been waiting for the attack to be publicly attributed to Death Eaters.</p><p>“Here to comment on the story is Rita Skeeter herself.”</p><p>“Thank you, Devlin, darling,” said a new voice — a woman’s voice, light and frothy. “And what a scoop I have for you! My sources at the Ministry have informed me that the man apprehended at the scene of the crime was one Samuel Cornfoot, 28, of Guildford.”</p><p>There was a strange dissonance between her cheery tone and the deathly seriousness of the subject on which she spoke. She sounded like a neighbor sharing a good bit of gossip about Next Door’s husband.</p><p>“Further,” said the woman named Rita Skeeter, “I have discovered that though a trial has been scheduled with the Wizengamot, Cornfoot has already confessed and refused representation! Undoubtedly a foolish move, legally, but one can only speculate on the inner workings of such a twisted, violent man. Was it guilt? Insanity?</p><p>“But that’s not all: Listeners of the <em>Wizarding Wireless Network News</em> will be shocked to learn of Cornfoot’s ties to a radical Muggle rights activist groups. For the full story on how this good pure-blood boy was radicalized into a political assassin, be sure to read my article in the <em>Daily Prophet</em> first thing tomorrow morning.”</p><p>“Thank you, Rita. And now we turn to regular contributor Darren O’Hare for an update on the British and Irish Quidditch League Cup…”</p><p>Lily switched off the wireless and turned to Mary, who had gone very pale.</p><p>“This is bad,” said Mary in a low voice. “This is really bad.”</p><p>“It doesn’t make any sense,” said Lily. “If he was a Muggle rights activist, why would he target Harmonia Lufkin? I thought she was supposed to be pro-Muggle?”</p><p>“She is. I mean, she was.” Mary sighed. “I don’t know. I guess we’ll read about it tomorrow. Should we head down to dinner?”</p><p>“Dinner…” Something prodded at the corners of Lily’s memory. She sat up with a jolt. “Shit! What time is it?” She grabbed Mary’s wrist and examined her watch. “Shit!” </p><p>And she took off running. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Lily dashed through the corridors, scuffing her shoes on stone floor as she hurtled past the flow of students on their way to the Great Hall for dinner. Dinner! She’d been so wrapped up in the day’s news she’d completely forgotten about Slughorn’s dinner. </p><p>It wasn’t that she was especially anxious to attend the Slug Club social hour — in fact she’d been rather dreading it — but she felt the circumstances required it. After all, Professor Slughorn had caught her saying some very rude things to another student and instead of reprimanding her, he’d invited her to this dinner. To blow off his invitation would be not merely rude but foolhardy. Lily wasn’t always sure how she felt about the Potions Master, but he seemed to like her, and she was wise enough to know that a Muggle-born student couldn’t take an ally like that for granted.</p><p>Frantic skid down the stairs, sharp turn by the balustrade, quick sprint past a set of tarnished armor, and at last Lily careened around the corner to Slughorn’s office — where, she discovered with faint horror, the door was propped open and all dozen or so students seated around the large, oval table had a perfect view of her graceless arrival.</p><p>“Erm,” said Lily, straightening up and whisking her hair away from her face. “Sorry.” A fair-haired boy nearest the door gave her a bewildered but pleasant smile. She couldn’t help but notice that he was very attractive. This did nothing to mitigate the fierce crimson blush that was encroaching upon her cheeks. </p><p>“Lily, m’dear!” called Professor Slughorn’s booming voice from the other end of the table. “Come in, come in! I thought you’d stood me up.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry, Professor. I completely lost track of time…”</p><p>“Not to worry, not to worry. You’re in time for pudding, at least. Come, I’ve saved you a seat next to me.”</p><p>Inwardly cursing her own awkwardness, Lily crossed the room and took the empty seat next to Slughorn, feeling very self-conscious as she did so. </p><p>“Rum baba?” offered her professor. Without waiting for her response, he flicked his wand and a beautiful little cake topped with a spiral of cream and sugar-dusted raspberries appeared on the china plate before her. Lily murmured her thanks and gave a quick, sweeping glance around the office. </p><p>Professor Slughorn clearly had one of the roomiest studies among the Hogwarts faculty. Lily supposed this was because the only staff member who rivaled him for seniority was the headmaster himself. Indeed, it was not so much a study as a small suite. The large mahogany table where the group currently sat dominated the half of the room closest to the door, but further in was a small sitting area complete with two leather chesterfields framing an ornate fireplace and a spindly-legged bar set up by the large arched window, laden with crystal glasses and amber-hued bottles that glittered in the evening’s fading light. A baby grand piano sat dustless and shining in the corner.</p><p>The prickle of curious gazes pulled her attention back to the table. Her house-mates had been right: The only other fifth year present was Adam Avery who was seated on Slughorn’s other side looking perfectly at ease. </p><p> “Well, well,” said Slughorn happily, settling himself back into his winged arm chair with a cozy shimmy. “This is lovely. Do you know everyone? No? We’ve already done introductions for Adam here, but I’ll give you the quick run through.”</p><p>Slughorn launched into said introductions, rattling off the names of the older students around the table who Lily didn’t know and certainly wouldn’t remember. She was relieved, however, to spot a familiar face in Florence Fawley, who was seated next to the very attractive boy who had smiled at Lily when she’d entered. Florence was a sixth year Ravenclaw and a friend of Aisha’s. Lily knew her by association only, but Florence gave her a friendly little wave as Slughorn finished up.</p><p>“And finally, Corin Mulciber, sixth year in my own house — and of course you know Adam.”</p><p>Lily and Adam Avery barely nodded at each other. Sometimes, Lily thought Slughorn was intentionally obtuse regarding relations between the houses. Hadn’t he invited her to this dinner right after overhearing her tell Evan Rosier to shove his wand up his arse? Surely Slughorn hadn’t heard Avery call her the M-word just moments before, or else he couldn’t possibly be so cavalier…</p><p>Slughorn was still talking, now to the rest of the group. “Lily here is an absolutely outstanding potioneer. A natural talent, you know. Never seen anything like it.” </p><p>He beamed at her, and Lily felt her cheeks go red again.</p><p>“Oh, yes,” agreed Florence Fawley from across the table. “She’s quite well-known for it around school. Aisha was telling me about that potion you brewed for her the other week, Lily. I just might have to ask you for some myself, if it’s not too much trouble.”</p><p>“Oh,” said Lily, taken aback by the notion that she was known for anything around school, let alone potion-brewing. “Yeah, no problem.”</p><p>“A booming potions business and barely a fifth year!” laughed Slughorn, clapping his hands together in delight. “Now, Lily, I had rather hoped Sirius Black might arrive with you. I don’t suppose you know if he’s on his way…?”</p><p>The idea of Sirius Black and Lily Evans willingly going anywhere together was laughable, but Lily just said, “I haven’t seen him, sir.”</p><p>“Hmm. Pity. I did hope he would come.” Slughorn glanced at his watch, then sighed. “Ah well, perhaps you can persuade him to tag along next time.”</p><p>Lily suppressed a snort. “With all due respect, sir, the person who can persuade Sirius Black to do anything deserves an Order of Merlin, First Class.”</p><p>There were a few laughs around the table, but none so merry as Slughorn himself. Florence caught her eye and winked. Lily felt grateful for her friendly demeanor, as everyone else seemed to be observing her like some strange new curiosity. The boy named Mulciber was watching her with a creepy intensity that she did not like at all. </p><p>“Very well, very well,” chortled Slughorn. “We’ll just have to wait and see. Now…what were we discussing before Lily arrived?”</p><p>“The assassination of Harmonia Lufkin,” said Mulciber and a heavy quiet fell across the table. Mulciber’s eyes flickered again to Lily and lingered for an uncomfortably long moment before returning to Slughorn, whose own expression had grown somber.</p><p>“Ah, yes. Bad business, very bad business indeed. Terrible. I knew Harmonia, of course. Taught her. Not much of a potioneer, but a brilliant witch, all and all.” He took a long drink of sherry and peered sadly into the glass as though Harmonia might wave back from its depths. “Terrible.”</p><p>“Yes,” said Mulciber, with a faint note of impatience, “but sir — what will happen now, do you think?”</p><p>“They’ll have to increase security at the Ministry, of course,” said an earnest girl with a very fierce nose whose name Lily had already forgotten. “It’s a complete disgrace that it happened on Ministry premises. I mean, what’s the point of Aurors?”</p><p>“You can hardly blame the Aurors for this,” countered a Hufflepuff girl named Henrietta Smith. “They’re supposed to be out there, fighting — other threats.” Lily could tell she wanted to say ‘Death Eaters’ but didn’t quite dare.</p><p>“And doing a bang-up job of it, clearly,” said the boy next to Henrietta, whose name Lily thought might have been Phineas. </p><p>“Yes,” said Mulciber, “but what <em>I’m</em> interested in is her position at the Ministry. Who’s going to fill it?”</p><p>Slughorn chuckled. “Now, now, Corin. You’re a bit young to head the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, though I appreciate your ambition."</p><p>Mulciber’s smile made Lily think of oil spills. </p><p>“Surely you know, Professor. With all your connections at the Ministry…”</p><p>Slughorn stroked his mustache. The Potions Master had always been very prone to flattery. “Well, there’s talk, of course — there’s always talk — but if I had to put money on it, I’d say Barty Crouch is next in line. If you’re interested in an internship, I can put in a word. I know Barty very well…in fact, I ought to tell you quite a funny story about the time he and Bertie Higgs came over for tea a few years ago…”</p><p>Mulciber seemed satisfied with this morsel of information, and he chewed on it silently while Slughorn enjoyed his reminiscence. When he was done, Mulciber carried on with his digging.</p><p>“It seems there’s quite a lot of change coming to the Ministry these days. I don’t suppose you’ve heard anything about the Minister for Magic stepping down?”</p><p>Slughorn frowned. “Eugenia Jenkins? Certainly not.”</p><p>“My father says she’s losing her touch,” interjected Rabastan Lestrange, a seventh year Slytherin. “That she's getting too old, too frail. That it’s time to let someone new take the reigns.”</p><p>“Does he now?” Slughorn stroked his mustache again, looking troubled. “Well, I always appreciate your father’s political perspective, but I haven’t heard a thing about that.”</p><p>“It wouldn’t be a bad thing, would it, sir," said Mulciber, "to get some fresh blood in the job?”</p><p>“By which you mean <em>pure-blood</em>,” snapped Lily before she could stop herself.</p><p>Mulciber turned his creepy gaze back to her, a slight smirk on his lips. Lily glared back.</p><p>“Ho, ho!” said Slughorn. “This is why they say never to discuss politics at a dinner party. Careful, Corin. This one has almost as much temper as she has talent.”</p><p>“On a more pleasant and less political note,” interrupted the boy named Phineas, “I heard a rumor that recruiters are coming to the next Quidditch match…”</p><p>And the conversation turned from there.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Professor Slughorn kept the group until nearly curfew before sending them off to bed with the promise of another dinner soon to follow. The students filed out with languorous self-assuredness — <em>they</em> would not be getting reprimanded for being out of their dormitories too late. Lily followed them out feeling slightly dazed, and a little hungry. She’d only arrived in time for pudding, after all, and the rum baba, while delicious, did not a dinner make. As she began to climb the stairs back towards her dormitory, thinking wistfully of the packet of crisps she thought she still had in her trunk, Florence Fawley caught up with her.</p><p>Florence was an elegant girl, slender and attractive, with a long sweep of straight blonde hair that would make Petunia simmer with jealousy. Florence possessed that indefinable sense of <em>well-to-do</em> that was hard to pin down but was implied by the subtle-yet-perfect fit of her robes, the polished and utterly-unscuffed heels that clicked down the corridor as she walked, the glint of small golden hoops in her ears.</p><p>“So, what did you think of your first Slug Club dinner?”</p><p>“Er…” Lily hesitated, trying to think of something nice to say. In truth, it had been exactly what she’d feared it would be: a stuffy old dinner with the likes of Avery and Lestrange, the pure-blood elite who thought they were better than her because they could recite twelve generations of their family tree. </p><p>That didn’t apply to everyone there, of course — she gathered a few were invited for their academic or athletic talent, but a good number of them still seemed to have influential parents in the ministry or elsewhere. Florence herself was certainly clever and a good Keeper on the Ravenclaw Quidditch team, but Lily suspected Slughorn admired her more because the Fawleys were a very important — and very wealthy — pure-blood family. </p><p>Florence seemed to read her mind.</p><p>“Yes, I know. It can be a teeny bit pretentious, everyone showing off for Sluggy hoping he’ll give their career a boost. But most of the people are really lovely, and it can be quite fun. And Sluggy <em>will</em> give your career a boost. One can’t discount that, these days…”</p><p>“I suppose not,” said Lily. “I’m just not sure what I’m doing there…”</p><p>“Sluggy said it himself. You’re an excellent potioneer. Of course he adores you, it’s his subject, isn’t it? You know,” added Florence, giving Lily a conspiring smile, “Aisha lent me some of that potion for cramps you brewed for her, and my god — you should bottle that stuff up and sell it. Honestly, with a little advertisement, girls would be queuing around the castle for a drop. Say the word and I’ll tell everyone I know.”</p><p>“Please don’t,” laughed Lily. “That was a special favor for Aisha. I definitely don’t have time to brew it for the whole school. I can barely keep up with my homework as it is.”</p><p>Florence raked her fingers through her long blonde hair and sighed. “Well, think about it. My daddy’s a businessman; I know a good product when I see one.”</p><p>Lily promised she would, and then changed the subject as they reached the point where their paths would part ways. One thing was still bothering her. “What’s the deal with that Slytherin boy — Mulciber? He kept staring at me.”</p><p>“Oh, him,” said Florence dismissively. “I wouldn’t take it personally, he’s always awful. Of course Sluggy wants people from his own house, but it’s a pity they’re all so rotten. Well, that’s not fair. Emmeline Vance is nice. Have you met her? She wasn’t there tonight, but Sluggy thinks she’ll be Head Girl next year. And when Sluggy thinks something, he’s usually right.”</p><p>Florence said goodnight and took off towards Ravenclaw Tower. Lily climbed the stairs back to the seventh floor, ruminating on the strange evening she’d just had. On the one hand, it was very flattering to be invited to sit amongst the school’s elite, but on the other, she despised the very notion of ‘elite.’ She didn’t believe in special treatment based on who your parents were and she didn’t believe in pure-blood supremacy.</p><p>But then, neither did Slughorn, if he invited her…</p><p>She was tangled up in these thoughts as she rounded the corner to where the Fat Lady guarded the entrance of the Gryffindor common room. She stopped abruptly, however, as she spotted Sirius Black and his friends approaching the portrait hole. Remus Lupin was with them, and he looked ghastly. </p><p>Lily took a step back into the shadows, having no desire to deal with Sirius Black and James Potter. Instead, she watched from afar as Sirius gave the password and climbed through. James stayed behind to help Remus negotiate the portrait hole.</p><p>“There you go, mate,” she could just hear him say. “Nearly there. Bed is just a few steps away…”</p><p>She found herself oddly touched by this gentleness. After giving them a few moments’ head start, she followed through the portrait hole and climbed the stairs up to her own dormitory.</p><p>“How was it?” asked Mary as Lily collapsed onto her bed.</p><p>“Weird. Awkward. Uncomfortable.”</p><p>“Got any nouns or verbs to add to that sentence?”</p><p>Lily stretched out on her stomach and, limbs dangling off the bed, she began to search through her trunk for the bag of crisps she had so craved on the walk back. “I don’t know,” she said, rummaging around. “It was all these rich pure-bloods with political ambitions or daughters of businessmen and…ugh. Adam Avery was there.”</p><p>Mary was appalled. “Slughorn invited him after he called you a — you-know-what?”</p><p>“I don’t think he heard that part. And he wasn’t the only Death Eater wannabe in attendance. Rabastan Lestrange was there, and some creep named Mulciber. It was a right old party. Aha!” She located the crisps and sat up happily, tearing open the bag.</p><p>“Are you going to go back?”</p><p>Lily shrugged. “Slughorn said he’d have another dinner in a few weeks, but…I really don’t want to.”</p><p>“Then you’re an idiot,” said the voice of Marlene McKinnon.</p><p>Both Lily and Mary turned to see Marlene listening from the doorway. “Marlene, weren’t you refusing to speak to me just a few weeks ago? I’m already nostalgic for those days.”</p><p>Marlene ignored this comment. “Getting invited to the Slug Club can completely change your life. All of Slughorn’s chosen students go on to be leaders in their field. The connections you will make are…unbelievable. Future Ministers for Magic sit in that room.”</p><p>Lily considered this. She wasn’t sure about Ministers for Magic, but she knew she wasn’t interested in spending her evenings with the likes of Avery and Mulciber.</p><p>“You have to get me in.”</p><p>Lily looked at Marlene in surprise. “I have to what now?”</p><p>“If I got into the Slug Club fifth year, it would completely make up for not being a prefect. <em>Michael</em> didn’t get invited until he was a seventh year.”</p><p>“Michael is your brother?”</p><p>“Slughorn got him his first job at the Ministry. His entire career was based off one dinner invitation. I need to be in that room.”</p><p>“I don’t know what you want me to do about it,” said Lily, selecting another crisp from the crinkling bag. </p><p>“Mention me,” said Marlene, her eyes wide and desperate. “Mention my damn brother if you have to. Come on, Lily, you owe me this.”</p><p>Lily thought this was a bit rich. “Excuse me? Why do I owe you this?”</p><p>“Because if it weren’t for you, I’d be a prefect right now! You have no idea the pressure I’m under, and if you weren’t so selfish—”</p><p>“You know, insulting someone isn’t usually the best way to get them to help you.”</p><p>“What do I have to do?” demanded Marlene. “Beg?”</p><p>“A simple ‘please’ would be nice,” said Lily.</p><p>“<em>Please.</em>”</p><p>Lily regarded Marlene, and to her surprise, she felt a pang of pity. No, she supposed she didn’t understand the pressure Marlene was under. She couldn’t fathom caring so much about something as petty as Slughorn’s parties, but Marlene seemed positively distraught over it, so Lily found herself saying, “I’ll see what I can do.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Don’t get your hopes up, but I’ll try.”</p><p>Marlene remained a few moments longer to extract yet another promise from Lily that she’d do her best to sway Slughorn in her favor before disappearing back to the common room. </p><p>Mary eyed her dubiously from her own bed. “Why would you help her?”</p><p>“Why shouldn’t I?” said Lily. “I don’t care about the Slug Club, but it’s obviously important to her.” She shrugged. “I don’t know, I guess I feel kind of bad for her. I mean, her family does seem really intense. Can’t be easy.”</p><p>“Oh yeah,” said Mary sarcastically. "It must be so hard to be a rich, privileged pure-blood.”</p><p>“Doesn’t mean she has no problems.”</p><p>“Oh, she certainly has problems,” said Mary. “No one’s denying that.”</p><p>“Be nice."</p><p>“Be <em>smart</em>,” said Mary. “Marlene McKinnon only cares about herself. Even if you help her, she’ll never do a thing for you.”</p><p>“Well,” said Lily, delving back into her bags of crisps. “Lucky for me, I don’t need her to.”</p><p>
  
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Severus Suspicious</h2></a>
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<h1>SEVERUS</h1><hr/><h2>Severus Suspicious</h2><p>Severus Snape couldn’t sleep. The contents of his brain were roiling around inside his skull, clicking and whirring like some complex piece of Muggle machinery. He often had this problem; not even the lapping of the lake against his dormitory window could lull him when his mind was all awash like this. It had things to do, puzzles to solve, mysteries to deduct. There was simply no use in lying around, listening to the sniffling and snorting of his nasally-challenged dorm-mates. Sleep was for the feeble.</p><p>He swung his legs off the creaking bed, and bony toes met cold, stone floor. He snatched his cloak off the serpent-shaped hook that hung next to his dresser (Slytherin quarters, regal though they may be, were fucking cold), grabbed his bag, his quill, and his ink-pot, and skulked out into the dark, greenly-lit common room. It was empty, and that was how he liked it best. </p><p>He settled himself into one of the high-backed chairs by a smoldering fireplace and jabbed a poker at the coals, sending sparks skittering about, stirring up the merest whisper of warmth. He didn’t mind the cold much really, but it was a distraction, and Severus hated being distracted.</p><p>He pulled a book from his bag. <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em>. It was a N.E.W.T.-level text that he’d stolen from his mother’s many discarded magical things. She kept them all locked away in a battered old trunk in her bedroom, unaware that her son frequently rifled through it and pilfered what he pleased. Severus was quite sure that she would never know any of it was missing. </p><p>He’d nicked this particular book from his mum a few years ago in order to learn more about potions than Slughorn deemed appropriate for third years. This he had done primarily to impress Lily Evans.</p><p>Lily loved Potions. She was enthralled by the science of the cauldron, the art of a magic that seeped through veins, rather than mere sparks from a wand. Severus was interested in the subject too, and he was very good at it, but mostly he relished being the knowledgeable one. It brought him a special thrill every time she came to him for advice or explanation — on any subject at all. At first this had been an easy role to maintain. He had been raised in the magical world and she had not, so he knew more by default — but as they grew older and better-schooled, he’d had to work at it.</p><p>He began to thumb through<em> Advanced Potion-Making</em>, looking for a good place to start his work. It wasn’t the text he was looking at — he’d read all that ages ago and found it basic at best — but rather his own notes, squeezed in the margins in a tight cramp of smudge and ink. His eye fell on a spell he’d been working on: <em>Muffliato</em>. </p><p>These days, his passion lay more in the mysteries of spellcraft than potion brewing. He’d started investigating spellcraft the year prior, fiddling around in between lessons, taking charms and making them more interesting. Over the summer he’d worked on the theory almost every night, and he was making strong progress. <em>Muffliato</em> would be a good place to start. On nights like tonight, Severus preferred to focus on one problem so that the rest of his brain could work on another.</p><p>But even as he focused on the complex Arithmancy of spellcraft, his thoughts kept circling back to that snatch of conversation he’d stolen from Potter and his idiot friend Pettigrew.</p><p>
  <em>“…Come on, Pete. Live a little.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m not saying it wouldn’t be cool to run around every full moon—”</em>
</p><p>Every full moon. </p><p>This was important. He knew it from the way Potter had shushed his friend. They were planning something. Something big. Something possibly illegal. Something definitely against school rules. </p><p>And he was going to find out what it was.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Morning crept in through the windows — though to the untrained eye it could be a bit hard to tell, what with the Slytherin common room being located beneath the lake. Down here, morning came in the way the greenish gloom turned silvery as sunlight pierced its depths, in the slow brightening of the lanterns that illuminated stony walls. Of course, there was also the unmistakable clamor of other students spilling out from their slumbers, tiny minds intent on nothing more than the prospect of a bacon sandwich. Severus scowled. He loathed other students, Slytherin or not.</p><p>Shoving his book and quill back into his bag, Severus slumped in his chair, glaring around him. Cold and stony though it may be, the Slytherin common room was as grand as its ancestry dictated. It was, after all, home to the future rulers of the world, to the pure-bloods and politicians. It was home to future greatness. And it infuriated Severus that he, who surely had a greater destiny than all the dunderheads around him combined, still felt cowed and insecure in its shadow.</p><p>His housemates had not always been welcoming to Severus. He was a half-blood after all, and sure, he wasn’t the only one, but Severus wasn’t very good at hiding it. It was his dirty working-class accent. His dirty mill town heritage. His dirty, useless Muggle father. What did Severus Snape have to say to the sons of pure-blood royalty?</p><p>They didn’t know he was a Prince.</p><p>He shouldered his bag and began to slouch his way out through the dungeons with the rest of his housemates. He’d made good progress on <em>Muffliato</em>. He might as well have some toast.</p><p>Breakfast was spent sitting alone, re-reading Golpallot’s laws, most of which he found rather onerous and stupid. Afterwards, he trudged his way to Transfiguration where he sat in the back of the class and poked his wand at a doleful-looking mouse. Then it was down to the dungeons again for Potions. </p><p>He had always preferred the simmering cauldron to the irritating equations of Transfiguration, but the joy of Potions had somewhat declined in recent years. He used to look forward to it every week — but that had been because he shared the class with his best friend and they had been partners, spending the whole class together, heads bent over a cauldron, whispering and making each other laugh. </p><p>These days, Lily Evans sat with the Gryffindors and he with the Slytherins. They’d started doing this last year, and though she had originally protested, telling him stubbornly that she didn’t care what her housemates thought, she’d eventually come around after she’d overheard some Slytherins giving him a hard time. He could still remember the sad look on her face as she suggested that maybe it would be easier for him if she sat with Mary instead. Severus had hated it, but he’d had to agree. Lily didn’t understand how things worked in Slytherin, but it was easier this way. For both of them.</p><p>The class took place deep within the bowels of the castle, rows of cauldrons occupying one of the larger dungeons. Severus took his customary seat and pulled out <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em>.</p><p>“All right, Snivellus?” called a voice from behind him. He looked up, eyes narrowing. Potter and Black had just entered, followed by their pathetic hangers-on, Pettigrew and Lupin. Lupin, he noticed, was looking ill again, all clammy-skinned and moving like each step pained him.</p><p>Scowling, Severus returned his attention to his book. </p><p>“You know,” said Black loudly from his seat up front. “I wouldn’t fancy having to sleep in the Slytherin dormitories, would you? I mean, think of the noise.”</p><p>“Noise?” prompted Potter.</p><p>“With as a great a hooter as old Snivelly’s got, I bet the snoring is orchestral.”</p><p>There were a few sniggers from the surrounding students.</p><p>“Now, now,” said Potter in feigned reproof. “It’s not nice to mock the nasally impaired. Really, we ought to be sending our sympathies. His poor head! It must get so tired holding up such a mountainous peak.”</p><p>Severus felt his cheeks burn, and he hated himself for it. </p><p>Then the rest of the class filed in, chatting noisily, and a few moments later Lily entered with her friend Mary. Lily grinned at him and waved; Mary looked pointedly away. He watched as the two girls weaved their way through the cauldrons up front to seats behind Potter and Black. Potter turned and said something to her that that Severus couldn’t catch over the din of the dungeon, but he noticed that her shoulders tensed. She hated Potter just as much as Severus did. She hadn’t always, but she’d learned her lesson. He watched as she flicked her lovely red hair disdainfully at Potter and said something in response like, “Wouldn’t you like to know?” or “Would you just go?” and Potter turned away, laughing.</p><p>Severus felt infuriatingly jealous. How dare Potter sit up there and talk with her so casually when he, Severus, her <em>best friend</em>, had to sit several rows back, alone? It wasn’t fair. Lily should’ve been in Slytherin. She should’ve been in Slytherin, and then it would’ve been them against the world, just like in Cokeworth. She shouldn’t be up there giggling with those empty-headed Gryffindor girls, talking to swine like Potter and Black. She should be back here, with him. That’s how it was supposed to be. That’s how he’d planned it since before he’d ever left Cokeworth.</p><p>Some dreams were hard to let go.</p><p>Now Lily was talking to Lupin, and Severus could just see a slight furrow in her brow as she did so. Lupin was smiling, but it may as well have been a grimace, he looked so ill. He’d been absent from Arithmancy yesterday and when he’d shown up for Ancient Runes, barely slumping to his seat in time for the bell, he looked as though he’d been run over by a stampede of centaurs. </p><p>As Professor Slughorn began to give instructions about the Aging Draught they would be brewing today — child’s play — Severus’s attention focused hound-like on the boy Lupin, who, at present, was scratching his nose sleepily.</p><p>There was something funny about him. Severus had always known it, but only recently had he realized how useful it might be. Like any good Slytherin, Severus had a knack for sniffing out a weakness he could exploit, and it seemed to him that Remus Lupin was the sole chink in the so-called Marauders’ armor. Hadn’t that always been the one thing that could make Potter lose his otherwise unflappable cool? His poor, sick, little friend…?</p><p>“And don’t forget to add the the fluxweed after a <em>counter-clockwise</em> stir,” Professor Slughorn reminded them. “Very important, the fluxweed. And lucky for you we just got ours freshly harvested.”</p><p>Severus was only idly listening to Slughorn as he shredded his fluxweed. One track of his mind was still fixated on Lupin, the other skimming industriously through everything he’d ever known or read about fluxweed. </p><p>
  <em>Trichostema brachiatum. Also called False Pennyroyal. Also called Fluxweed. </em>
</p><p>He didn’t really care about Remus Lupin. The boy left him alone. If it weren’t for his association with Black and Potter, Severus would never have given him a second thought.</p><p>
  <em>Aromatic when crushed. Used in potions to illicit a physical transformation. </em>
</p><p>Still, he was a means to an end, that’s all. Severus could have no pity for the comrades of swine.</p><p>
  <em>Native to North America. Grows in dry prairies, thickets, and sandy areas. Only obtains magical qualities when picked under the light of a full moon.</em>
</p><p>Severus stopped, clutching a fistful of shredded fluxweed, thunderstruck as his two trains of thought skidded off their tracks and collided in glorious catastrophe. No…it wasn’t possible.</p><p>Snatches of conversation floated around his mind like flotsam from the wreckage.</p><p>
  <em>“I’m not saying it wouldn’t be cool to run around every full moon…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Very important, the fluxweed…just got ours freshly harvested…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“…Every full moon…”</em>
</p><p>What was today? This was important. He could feel it. What was today? Tossing his fluxweed back onto the work table, he dove for his bag, rifling through papers and notes until he found what he was looking for: a lunar chart he had recently completed for Astronomy. He stared at the bit of parchment, unable to quite believe his own eyes. The full moon had been two nights ago. Could it possibly mean what he thought it did? Could Remus Lupin be a…a…?</p><p>“All right there, Snivellus? You look as though you’ve just seen the ghost of shampoo past.”</p><p>Severus shoved the parchment back into his bag and looked up, glaring. Black was strutting by, evidently returning from the supply cabinet. Severus’s eyes narrowed, watching as Black strolled back to his own cauldron, a smirk on his face. <em>I’ve got you,</em> he thought viciously. <em>I can’t believe it, but I’ve got you…</em></p><p>Then his cauldron exploded.</p><p>
  
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          <p>Dun dun dun...</p>
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<a name="section0016"><h2>16. The Mandrake Thief</h2></a>
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<h1>SIRIUS</h1>
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<h2>The Mandrake Thief</h2><p>The dungeon was in uproar. The students around Snape — mostly Slytherin thanks to the self-segregation of the houses — had gotten the worst of the splash and were all sprouting stubbly beards or shooting up a few inches too tall. Snape, who had gotten a face-full of the Aging Draught, had a funny little goatee and bleary eyes. He blinked around him rapidly, an expression of fury and confusion stamped across his stupid face.</p><p>A few cauldrons away, Sirius and James were howling with laughter, clutching their sides.</p><p>“Settle down, settle down,” called Professor Slughorn idly from the front of the class where he was gathering an antidote. He didn’t seem too concerned over his rapidly-aging charges. Sirius supposed that years of teaching adolescents to set things on fire permanently suspended one’s sense of disbelief.</p><p>“It was Black, Professor!” Snape spluttered in a surprisingly deep voice. (James snickered.) “Black blew up my cauldron!”</p><p>“Don’t blame <em>me</em> for your own shoddy potion-making,” said Sirius with a contemptuous look. In fact, it <em>hadn’t</em> been him. James had been the one to officially send the overheating hex to Snape’s potion. Sirius had merely walked past Snape’s cauldron for the sole purpose of attracting his attention and, undoubtably, his wrath. Per usual, Snape played his part perfectly.</p><p>“My shoddy potion making?” cried Snape in outrage. “<em>My</em> shoddy—” He didn’t seem to be able to finish the sentence, his sallow features twisted in a furious snarl.</p><p>Sirius and James exchanged smirking glances. Remus was watching with a mild, interested expression, and Peter…Peter was exactly where he was supposed to be: darting into Professor Slughorn’s private store cupboard under the cover of the pandemonium.</p><p>As Slughorn distributed little vials of the antidote to affected students, Snape continued his indictment. “Professor, it was Black. I <em>saw</em> him. He walked by my cauldron, and then it exploded.”</p><p>Sirius arched an eyebrow. “A bit paranoid, aren’t you? I didn’t even have my wand on me. I know I’m hot, but I’m not <em>that</em> hot.”</p><p>This comment proved to be too much for the group of Gryffindor girls behind him; they collapsed upon each other in giggles. Sirius noticed that girls often did that around him. He found the opposite sex to be a profoundly peculiar species. The only one among them who wasn’t laughing was Lily Evans. Instead, she was giving him the sort of disgusted look most often reserved for a flesh-eating slug. He didn’t mind though; infuriating Penny Prefect was nearly as much fun as infuriating Snivellus.</p><p>“Now, Severus,” Slughorn placated. “These things <em>can</em> happen, especially when working with such volatile ingredients…boil the wormwood a little too long…”</p><p>“I didn’t boil <em>anything</em> too long!” snarled Snape, but Slughorn wasn’t listening; he merely patted him vaguely on the shoulder and returned to the front of class, just as Sirius saw Peter slip back into the dungeon. “I think that will do for today,” their professor said, glancing at his watch. “We’ll pick up on transformative serums next week.”</p><p>The class began to file out into the stony halls, still laughing and gleefully reliving what had just happened. Snape remained glaring at his ruined potion as the boys left.</p><p>“Don’t sweat it, Sniv, a bit of puberty will do you good,” said James, giving him a jovial clap on the back.</p><p>Snape turned sharply, his expression murderous. “Touch me again, and I’ll kill you.”</p><p>James and Sirius exchanged an eyebrow-raised look. Sirius took a step forward. He towered over the skinny, sallow boy. Snape cowed a little, but returned his glare. “Big talk from a boy who needs a potion to grow a beard,” said Sirius. He considered that greasy, miserable face for a moment, then flicked his thumb and forefinger against Snape’s forehead, hard between the eyes. Snape flinched. “What are you going to do about it?”</p><p>Snape chewed his tongue. He seemed to be weighing his options.</p><p>“Come on,” moaned James, rolling his eyes. For Snape was a distraction, and Sirius knew James had bigger prizes on his mind.</p><p>But Sirius couldn’t restrain from calling, “Maybe you can brew a potion that will grow you a pair of balls!” as his friend dragged him off.</p><p>“Was that really necessary?” muttered Remus.</p><p>“Yes. Snape’s a slimy git. Someone ought to remind him of it.”</p><p>“Never mind all that,” said James. “We’ve got important business to attend to.”</p><p>“What are you—” began Remus, but he was interrupted by an angry voice from behind them.</p><p>“What did you do that for?”</p><p>Sirius turned to see Lily Evans standing directly behind him, arms crossed and using every inch she owned to give him a thoroughly dirty look. She still barely came up to his shoulders.</p><p>Sirius smirked. “Do what?”</p><p>“Don’t play the idiot. I know you made Severus’s cauldron explode.”</p><p>“I did no such thing.”</p><p>“Oh, please.”</p><p>“You don’t think it’s remotely possible that your boyfriend Snivellus messed something up?”</p><p>“No,” she said flatly. “I don’t. Slughorn might let you get away with murder because of your surname, but the rest of us aren’t stupid. And don’t call him ‘Snivellus.’” With an angry flounce of her dark red hair, she turned and marched down the hall, only to pause after a moment and shoot back, “And he’s not my boyfriend!”</p><p>Sirius watched her go, feeling inexplicably irritated. Of course, she was right about Slughorn. They all knew it — they’d banked on the special favor he gave Sirius as a means of keeping themselves out of detention — but it annoyed him to be called out on it, particularly by someone like Lily Evans.</p><p>He still resented the Slug Club invitation. Slughorn had jovially chided him at the start of class for missing the dinner, and Sirius had played along as much as he could stomach, for need of the aforementioned special favor. But he hated it. When Horace Slughorn looked at Sirius Orion Black III, he did not see anything more than the glinting limb of a long family tree.</p><p>“Mental,” said James, shaking his head.</p><p>It took Sirius a moment to realize he was referring to the retreating form of Lily Evans. Then James turned expectantly to Peter. “Did you get ‘em?”</p><p>Peter proudly held out a handful of small, yellowing leaves.</p><p>James’s grin broadened. “Jackpot.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“A <em>month?</em>”</p><p>“That’s what it says.”</p><p>“A whole month, sucking on a bloody Mandrake leaf?”</p><p>“It’s right there, James.” Sirius tossed <em>The Infallible Animagus</em> over to his friend. It landed on the carpet beside him with an accusatory flop. They were back in the common room, sprawled on the floor and going over their archives of Animagi notes. It was late enough that this was perfectly safe. The common room was practically empty, and Remus had long since gone to bed.</p><p>They’d been through every introductory book on Animagi the library had to offer, and they had the stacks of parchment to prove it. Finally, with the torturous riddle of a book that was <em>The Infallible Animagus</em>, they seemed to be getting somewhere. It just didn’t seem like a very pleasant place to get.</p><p>James picked up the book and examined it for probably the hundredth time. “<em>For in tandem the body and mind to enchant,</em>” he read aloud, “<em>on your tongue must you keep a leaf of Circe’s plant.</em>” He let out a groan of frustration. “I really hate this book.“</p><p>“Circe’s plant?” frowned Peter.</p><p>“Another name for Mandragora,” said Sirius. “<em>When the moon has waxed and waned</em>…so we’ve got to keep it on our tongues for a month. A full lunar cycle. The text is very clear.”</p><p>James snorted. He evidently felt there was nothing clear about <em>The Infallible Animagus</em>, but then James had never had much patience for ambiguity.</p><p>“And we’re sure this is…you know…real?” said Peter. “I mean, the whole book is full of nonsense…”</p><p>“Yeah, but I told you, Pete, it’s not,” said Sirius impatiently, “It’s like…it’s old magic. <em>Earth is earth</em>…<em>but earth is stone</em>…<em>stone is dust</em>…I don’t know how to explain it to you, but it makes sense, all right?”</p><p>“It’s saying everything can be anything else,” summarized James. “Everything is in flux all the time, <em>everything</em> is transfiguration. Change is the eternal constant, and all that. Old magic, like Sirius said.”</p><p>“Okay,” said Peter, though Sirius was fairly confident all of that had gone right over his head, “but what does that have to do with Mandrakes?”</p><p>“Well, it’s all about accessing that old magic, isn’t it?” said Sirius, stretching out his limbs as he repositioned himself on the floor. “If everything is transfiguration, then everyone already <em>is</em> an Animagus. That's why you don't get a say in what kind of animal you become. It's already there. The preparatory spells, the Mandrake leaves…it’s just about lowering the physical boundaries to allow that change. Mandrake leaves are often used for transformative serums, it makes sense they’d be used for a spell of this magnitude…since it’s not even really a spell, it’s a whole self-transformation thing. You never un-become an Animagus, after all.”</p><p>“You sound like a bloody textbook,” said James fondly. “I don’t know whether to be proud or annoyed.”</p><p>Sirius rolled his eyes. “Well, I’ve only had to listen to you prattle on about this rubbish for three years. Anyway, it says right there that you’ve got to keep the leaf of a Mandrake in your mouth for a full lunar cycle.”</p><p>“Have you ever tasted a Mandrake leaf?” asked Peter curiously.</p><p>“No, have you?”</p><p>“Yes, don’t you remember when you dared me during Herbology second year?”</p><p>James let out a loud, reminiscent laugh. “Oooh yeah. That was a riot. You nearly threw up…oh.”</p><p>“Got there, have you?” said Peter with grim satisfaction.</p><p>There was a pause as the three boys digested this unpleasant revelation.</p><p>“Well, shit,” said James.</p><p>“The Mandrake leaf looks like the easiest part,” said Sirius, reclaiming the book and flipping through its pages. “The rest is…well, weird.”</p><p>“Weirder than sucking on a Mandrake leaf?”</p><p>“We’ve got to meditate.”</p><p>“…Meditate?”</p><p>“Yup. A mind in three parts. Apparently you’ve got to be able to separate the animal mind from the human mind from…the physical form, I guess. And that’s where things can go wrong: If the animal mind takes over, then you could either lose the ability to change back into human form, or you could remain in human form but have an animal mind.”</p><p>“Oh, bloody hell,” said Peter.</p><p>James frowned and pored over the piles of parchment once more. “Meditation. All right. Everything else it looks like we’ve done. I mean, all the pre-transfiguration spells were in the other books. We’ve mastered those. Now it’s just a matter of the Mandrake, the meditation, and…learning to do it without a wand, I guess.”</p><p>Peter’s laugh was a tad shrill. “Oh, that’s all? That’ll be a breeze.”</p><p>“Hey, how about a little optimism?” demanded James. “We’ve made it this far. We’re so close, I can almost taste it.”</p><p>“Does it taste like a rotting bubotuber?” said Peter. “Because that’s <em>all</em> you’re going to taste for the next month.”</p><p>
  
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Another relatively brief chapter today, but they'll start to pick back up in length again after this. :)</p>
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<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Erotic Breakfast Poetry</h2></a>
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<h1>REMUS</h1><hr/><h2>Erotic Breakfast Poetry</h2><p>The wolf ran in circles, frantic, miserable. It slammed its weight against the walls; it hurtled out onto the second-floor landing, towards the stairs. It threw itself against the banister — a creaking groan, an echoing split — and suddenly he was falling, spiraling fast towards the ground…a terrible, splintering <em>crack</em>…his paw splayed out behind him. A howl that tore like muscle and bone.</p><p>Remus sat up abruptly, panting. In the pitch black of his closed bed hangings, his fingers went scrabbling to his face, his neck, his chest, searching for scratches, the fresh spill of cursed blood. There was none. He sank back against his pillows in relief. It was all right. No one would know.</p><p>Tentatively, he pulled back the curtains from his four poster bed. The dormitory was dark, hidden in the heavy shadows of night. Only a pale patch of moonlight slipped through the window, pooling on the worn rug beneath his feet. Instinctively, he pulled his toe from its touch, but this waning moon could not hurt him. He had twenty-one days left. For another twenty-one days, he was free.</p><p>His watch, a slightly battered but beloved hand-me-down from his father, told him it was half-past four in the morning. Never mind. He wouldn’t fall back asleep now, not when the wolf prowled so dangerously near the surface. He folded himself into the cozy crevices of his bed, propped his lit wand on the headboard behind him, and began to read his Ancient Runes textbook. He was still scrambling to catch up with the classes he’d missed from the full moon, and even with Lily Evans’s notes (he swallowed a nervous but pleasant flutter that she’d thought of him at all), he was struggling. Yet as he pored over the indecipherable runes, his treacherous mind kept slipping down other unwelcome corridors. Specifically, his friends.</p><p>They were acting very peculiar.</p><p>Well, that is, more peculiar than usual. They were hiding something from him, and what was worse, they were doing it poorly. Remus had known they were up to something ever since James had developed a sudden passion for research in the library. He had figured it would reveal itself sooner or later in the form of some spectacular prank — like the time they’d charmed the dinner plates to repel anything that hit them, accidentally-on-purpose causing an inter-house food fight of epic proportions for which Professor McGonagall had still not forgiven them. (It had been, Remus reflected, rather an affront to her dignity to be splat in the face with potato gratin.)</p><p>However, as the weeks passed and no such prank materialized, their undertakings became increasingly absurd. Their latest bit was to keep a small Mandrake leaf in their mouth, despite its disgusting flavor. Remus assumed it had started as a dare — as so often some calamitous bit of mischief did — but why they were so adamant about keeping it up, he couldn’t understand. It had been six days, and from what Remus could tell, it was a constant struggle: spitting and gagging over a toothbrush, retching through repulsive meals, lisping their way through conversations. They barely spoke in class anymore, and they’d completely given up on saying Sirius’s name. (Except for James, of course, who found it wildly hilarious.)</p><p>And they wouldn’t give him an inch. No matter what, they refused to tell him what was going on. Every time he asked, he just got deflected with a lisping joke.</p><p>“Really, Remuth, it tathe like a thweetie, want a lick?”</p><p>He sighed. As always, he felt the familiar panic at being left out. <em>They don’t want you involved,</em> said the spiteful beast that breathed inside him. <em>Wonder why…? Because you’re a prefect? Because you’re a werewolf? Because you’re a smarmy stick-in-the-mud who would ruin their fun?</em></p><p>Remus did his best to ignore the beast. Hadn’t his friends proven time and again that they weren’t going to leave him? Why did he still ache for reassurance? Didn’t he trust them? <em>Sure,</em> said the beast. <em>You trust them. But you don’t trust yourself. You’re not good enough for them, and you know it.</em></p><p>“Shut it,” Remus muttered into the dark, refocusing his attention on deciphering ‘calc’ and ‘cealc.’</p><p>It was several hours later when his friends at last awoke.</p><p>“I’m going to vomit,” James’s voice announced from beyond the bed hangings, accompanied by a series of loud gagging noises.</p><p>“You thay that every morning,” yawned Peter, leaf still stuck to tongue.</p><p>“Becauthe every morning I wake up and there’th a fetid leaf in my mouth. It’th getting thoggy.”</p><p>“Peter,” came Sirius’s gravelly morning voice. “Will you throw your shoe at Jameth for me?”</p><p>Remus pulled open his bed hangings and gave his friends a suspicious glare that was becoming redundant. “Are you ever going to tell me why you’re doing this? And don’t say it’s just a laugh…it’s been six days!”</p><p>“But who’th counting, right?”</p><p>“Look, I get that I’m a prefect now, but you used to tell me when you were planning something big. I wish you still would.”</p><p>“Remuth,” lisped James consolingly. “It hath nothing to do with you being a prefect! Do you really think we’d let a thilly badge get in the way of corrupting you? It’th better thith way. You don’t want to know yet. It’ll only worry you.”</p><p>“I’m already worried.”</p><p>“You’ll find out thoon enough, promithe.”</p><p>Remus sighed, defeated. “This sounds very ominous.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Breakfast was an ordeal involving a lot of moaning and drooling. All three boys carefully spooned bits of tasteless porridge into the back of their throats, miserable looks drawn across their faces.</p><p>“I juth want a big piece of bacon that doethn’t tathte like it’th died,” moaned Peter.</p><p>“You do realize,” Remus pointed out, “that all bacon is dead, having once been a poor little pig?”</p><p>“Thath not what I <em>meant</em>.”</p><p>About half-way through the meal, Remus glanced up from his Ancient Runes textbook to see them all staring at him with big, watery, puppy eyes. He groaned. He knew what they wanted. It was a joke that had started the week prior, when James wistfully requested that Remus tell them about the taste of his pure, unsullied and Mandrake-free breakfast. Remus had been amused at first and played along, describing his toast and butter and jam with an almost lyrical verve, but the joke had gotten old, and frankly, he wasn’t in the mood this morning.</p><p>“Moony…” Sirius began.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Oh, go on,” said James, his hands propped under his chin, gazing pitifully at Remus’s breakfast.</p><p>“Stop it. It’s weird. Just spit the leaf out, and eat your own porridge.”</p><p>“Juth…tell uth what it tathe like, <em>really</em>. You form your wordth tho well.”</p><p>“Like poetry,” sighed Sirius. “Erotic breakfast poetry.”</p><p>“It tastes like porridge. Perfectly normal porridge for sane people who don’t keep strange plant matter in their mouths.”</p><p>“Tell me about brown sugar again. I can’t remember about brown sugar…”</p><p>“And bacon. Bacon that doethn’t tathe like excrement…”</p><p>“You know,” said Remus loudly, in an attempt to change the course of the conversation. “I think I found another Boggart yesterday.”</p><p>It worked. James and Sirius both stopped drooling at him and exchanged a mischievous glance. Remus knew rather a lot about Boggarts on account of his father, and this information over the years had been a source of great entertainment for his friends.</p><p>“Where?” asked James.</p><p>“Crammed into the grandfather clock on the sixth floor. It was creaking and moaning a good bit, and definitely chiming more than once an hour.”</p><p>“Oi,” interrupted Sirius. “McGee alert. Moufs shut.” And they all clammed up, assuming a look of perfect innocence that fooled absolutely no one. Professor McGonagall narrowed her eyes as she passed.</p><p>Remus sighed. “You’re all idiots.”</p><p>“And you’re a cruel man, Lupin,” said Sirius, shaking his head. “You know not how we thuffer.”</p><p>“Nor <em>why</em>,” retorted Remus, snapping his book shut.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>And then there was all the meditating. Remus had returned one evening to find the dormitory unusually quiet. At first, he’d thought it was empty until he’d realized that all three boys were sitting on the floor, cross-legged, eyes shut, palms laid open over knees. Peter was humming quietly.</p><p>Remus stared at this bizarre scene for a moment before one of James’s eyelids slid open to survey the room. “Oh,” said James, eye landing upon Remus. “Hi Remuth.”</p><p>“Er — hi. What are you doing?”</p><p>“Meditating.”</p><p>“Oh. Why?”</p><p>To this, they all responded at once.</p><p>“New Quidditch technique,” said James.</p><p>“Anger management,” said Sirius.</p><p>“It’s good for the skin,” said Peter.</p><p>“Huh,” said Remus, and he crawled into bed and left them to it.</p><p>This continued for days and nights, and days and nights again. The gagging, the complaining, the lisping, the meditating. Eventually — mercifully — Sirius had discovered that by rolling the leaf to the back of his tongue, he could communicate nearly lisp-free, and the others quickly followed suit. This did not stop James from referring to his friend as ‘Thiriuth’ as often as possible, but it was an improvement, nonetheless. So far, Remus’s only theory to explain their antics was that they had all gone completely off their collective rockers…and left him behind, alone in the dull realm of sanity.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>On Wednesdays, Remus was temporarily rescued from this madness by prefect duties with Lily Evans. Over all, Remus thought being a prefect was a bit of a wash. He suspected that Lily was right, that Dumbledore had hoped Remus might reign in his friends, but that was a terribly naive assumption, the idea that Remus had any control over the Marauders whatsoever. He didn’t. If anything, all his new badge had done was make his friends withdraw from him, push him out of the loop.</p><p>Nonetheless, he found he rather looked forward to patrolling the halls with Lily Evans. She was nice company. He’d always liked her well enough, in the vague way eleven-year-old boys like girls, but he’d intentionally kept her at arms length for the past four years, the way he did everyone who wasn’t James, Sirius, or Peter. He already had three friends who liked him and accepted him. One mustn’t get greedy. It was dangerous getting too close to other people; they might work out his secret.</p><p>But Lily, who he saw outside of classes now at least once a week, had this really agreeable habit of not asking him about his scars. He knew she noticed them. She was perceptive, and so was he. He saw the way she frowned ever so slightly when she met him immediately following the full moon. He knew he looked horrible, but after simply asking, “Feel any better?” and listening to his, “Oh yes, yes, my terrible immune system, blah, blah, blah,” she’d dropped it. This restraint was a rare gift, and Remus appreciated it.</p><p>She was also funny, and clever, and yeah all right, rather pretty, and…just, well…<em>kind</em>. Really, really kind. Remus loved his friends. James, Sirius, and Peter meant the absolute world to him, but they weren’t kind.</p><p>No, that wasn’t fair. They all possessed deep wells of kindness for their own friends, kindness they had shown time and again to Remus. Still, Remus had watched for years as they tormented Severus Snape, and yes, Snape contributed his share of aggression to the enmity, but sometimes Remus thought his friends were just a touch out of line. Not that he ever said anything about it. He often wondered why he didn’t…because he loved them too much to criticize? Because he was a coward?</p><p>But it wasn’t <em>just</em> Snape. They were a bit trigger happy with everyone these days, and frankly sometimes their sense of humor was a little cruel. They could be quite harsh to each other, too. Especially Sirius.</p><p>But that was just boys, wasn’t it? That’s what his dad said. Boys will be boys. Whatever that meant. These were all things that Remus had to learn, having had no friends at all until he was eleven years old. He often felt that he had missed some important lesson on how to be a teenage boy. Maybe there was a book in the library: <em>Expressions of Aggression and Exuberance in the Adolescent Male.</em></p><p>Perhaps that was why he enjoyed spending time with Lily so much. Her feminine, friendly attentions were far less fraught with danger. They talked about novels and art and all sorts of things Remus didn’t really talk about with his mates. It was nice.</p><p>Presently, he and Lily were strolling along through a winding corridor on the ground floor. It was a quiet night; they hadn’t really done much more than tell off a third year for bullying a first. Rain thrummed against the windowpanes as they chatted amiably.</p><p>“And I worked on it for <em>hours</em> and still only got an Acceptable!” Lily was saying, referring to their most recent Ancient Runes homework. “Honestly, sometimes I wish I’d just signed up for Muggle Studies instead. I’d be so good at that class.”</p><p>Remus grinned. “I almost did, you know. Sign up for Muggle Studies, I mean. Since all my friends did.”</p><p>Lily shot him a sideways glance. “Black and Potter take Muggle Studies? Why?”</p><p>“Sirius wanted to irritate his parents, James thought it’d be a laugh, and Peter was going to do whatever James did, regardless.”</p><p>“So why didn’t you?”</p><p>“Oh, I had romantic ideas about archeology and curse-breaking, so I took Ancient Runes instead. Also, I thought it might be cheating a bit, my mum being a Muggle and all.”</p><p>Lily stopped abruptly and turned to him in surprise.</p><p>“What? Your mum’s a Muggle?”</p><p>“Er — yeah?”</p><p>“You never told me that!”</p><p>“I — er — well, I didn’t think it mattered much,” said Remus, bewildered.</p><p>“It doesn’t <em>matter</em>.” Lily resumed their walk, her hands tucked into pockets. “It’s just…I didn’t know. It’s nice.” She suddenly looked very embarrassed. “I don’t have many friends that know much about Muggles. Can’t tell you how often I feel like an alien around here, the things that come out of my mouth that no one understands. Gets kind of lonely.”</p><p>Remus was a bit startled by this. Of course, he’d known Lily was Muggle-born, but for some reason it seemed an entirely foreign concept to him that someone like her — someone pretty, funny, well-liked — could ever feel isolated or lonely. Now this seemed rather short-sighted of him, and he felt guilty.</p><p>“I never thought about it,” he admitted. “Sorry.”</p><p>“Don’t <em>apologize</em>. Nothing to be sorry for, I’m just…pleased. Is that weird? Sometimes it feels like everyone’s a pure-blood but me.” She looked sad for a moment, distant and weary, but then she laughed and shook her head. “So, tell me about your mum! How did your parents even meet? I’m fascinated…”</p><p>But just as Remus began to regale her with what was actually quite a good story about his parents’ first encounter, they rounded a corner and Remus felt his heart sink. There were his friends: James, Sirius, and Peter were hovering around the door to Filch’s office, undoubtedly up to no good. Peter was clutching an old suitcase and, with a feeling of dread, Remus thought he knew what was inside. His suspicions were all but confirmed as the suitcase gave an angry little shiver.</p><p>“Damn,” Sirius was saying. “The git must’ve had someone put a security charm on it. <em>Alohomora</em> won’t work.”</p><p>“Well, that’s not too surprising after we flooded it last week,” James mused.</p><p>“What are we going to do with thith Boggart, then?” asked Peter, who hadn’t quite mastered the trick of speaking lisp-free. He eyed the suitcase nervously; it gave a furious little thump in response.</p><p>Before Remus could wrap his head around what to do, or better yet, convince Lily to turn around and head the other way, Lily was striding towards them, a hard look on her face. “Excuse me.”</p><p>Sirius groaned. “Oh, look, it’s the Prefect Brigade.”</p><p>Remus scowled at him. He noticed his friend shifting the Mandrake leaf in his mouth, and in a moment of uncharacteristic spite, Remus hoped it tasted really, really foul.</p><p>“Are you <em>honestly</em> trying to put a Boggart in Filch’s office?” Lily demanded, hands on hips.</p><p>“The poor thing just needs a home,” said James, patting the suitcase affectionately. “How would you like to live in luggage?”</p><p>Lily ignored this and addressed Sirius. “You know Filch can’t do magic. He wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.”</p><p>“And therein lies the amusement,” said Sirius, as though she were being purposefully thick.</p><p>Lily gave him a disgusted look. “That’s cruel. Really, I don’t care if it <em>is</em> Filch, that’s just mean.”</p><p>“Oh, come on,” said James airily. “He’d probably just see muddy footprints and an empty bottle of Mrs. Skower’s Magical Mess Remover.”</p><p>Lily bestowed one withering look his way before turning to Peter. “Give me the suitcase,” she demanded. Poor Peter glanced quickly between Sirius and James, awaiting instruction.</p><p>“Oh, forget it,” said Sirius. “It was a stupid prank anyway. Here.” He grabbed the suitcase from Peter and shoved it towards her. “Have a blast.” But as he handed it over, his fingers fumbled the clasp, and the suitcase slipped open. They all instinctively stepped back as it fell to the floor with a resounding thud. There was one quick moment — quiet and still — as all five stared at the suitcase. Then something horrible happened.</p><p>From the depths of the luggage rose, impossibly, a man. Black robes hung off his body, his face obscured by a stark, skull-like mask. <em>A Death Eater</em>, Remus thought with a horrible, sinking feeling in his gut. It turned to Lily, who was closest, and she stared at the Boggart, her mouth slightly open; she hadn’t yet thought to go for her wand. <em>Of course she’d see a Death Eater.</em> The Boggart, perhaps sensing her hesitation, her fear, moved towards her and raised its arm…</p><p>Remus hurried forward, but James got there first, and the Death Eater was transformed into a woman in lime-green robes, a foreboding look of professional sympathy drawn upon her face. Before she could speak, James said, “Riddikulus,” and the woman stumbled. He took advantage of this to jab his wand a second time, and the Boggart crumpled back into the suitcase. He hurriedly shut it, locking the clasp with his wand. No one said anything for a moment. When at last Lily spoke, her voice seemed to take everyone by surprise. It was cold and hard.</p><p>“I hope you enjoyed your prank.”</p><p>Then she bent down, grabbed the suitcase by the handle, and marched off.</p><p>Remus hesitated. Should he go after her? But then Sirius muttered, “She really needs to get a sense of humor,” and thoughts of pursuit were pushed aside as Remus turned sharply to his friend.</p><p>“You thought that was funny, did you?”</p><p>“Well, not <em>that</em>,” said Sirius, waving a hand as if what had just happened had been inconsequential, “but just, you know, in general. What are you looking at me like that for? I didn’t drop it on purpose.”</p><p>“Didn’t you?”</p><p>“No, I didn’t! And even if I had, how was I supposed to know it would turn into…one of them?”</p><p>“You could try using your brain for once,” said Remus. Sirius gave him a look of mingled surprise and irritation. “You know,” Remus plowed on, “when I told you about the Boggart, I didn’t mean you should use it to torment Filch <em>again</em>.”</p><p>“Oh, come on, Moony,” said James. “A perfectly good Boggart just sitting there, waiting for a home? How could we resist?”</p><p>“You’re just peeved because it was Lily Evans that caught us,” said Peter sagely.</p><p>“Yes, I am. Would it kill you to sit quietly in the dorm on nights I have patrol?”</p><p>They all laughed. “We don’t sit quietly very well, Remus.”</p><p>“You’ve been doing it for weeks. No meditation tonight, then?”</p><p>“We got bored.”</p><p>“But still sucking on the stupid Mandrake leaf, I see.” For some reason, his anger was bubbling up in a way he rarely allowed it.</p><p>“Respect the Mandrake, mate,” said James, waggling his tongue. James…with his infuriating ability to remain calm and cheerful through anything.</p><p>“You don’t make any sense, <em>any</em> of you,” Remus snapped, and they all looked at him in astonishment. Remus almost never lost his temper. Not with them. “Meditating one night and stealing Boggarts the next, talking behind my back — don’t think I haven’t noticed because I have — and keeping those bloody leaves in your mouth like idiots, and for what? For no good reason? For shits?”</p><p>“That’s not fair,” Peter interrupted, his face flushing salmon-pink. “We’re only doing it because of you—”</p><p>“Shut <em>up</em>, Pete!” hissed Sirius.</p><p>“What? Me?”</p><p>“Don’t mind him,” said James genially. “Mandrake’s gone to his head.”</p><p>Remus let the anger wash over him in crashing waves. “I’m so sick of this! Of all of you talking down to me and pretending like I’m too stupid to realize you’re up to something.”</p><p>“All right, <em>something’s</em> definitely up, because I’m pretty sure it’s not your time of the month, and you’re acting like a pissy bitch,” said Sirius.</p><p>“Fuck off, Sirius,” snarled Remus, and he began to storm away before turning back and adding, “And you know what? Lily wasn’t wrong. It <em>was</em> a cruel prank to pull on Filch. I didn’t take you lot for the sort to harass squibs.”</p><p>At this, Sirius’s expression grew guilty, Peter fidgeted uncomfortably, but James said with quick indignation, “Hang on! We don’t prank him because he’s a <em>squib</em>. We prank him because he’s a fun-hating sadist.”</p><p>Remus sighed. The anger that had erupted inside him so rapidly was already dissipating. “Whatever.” He began to walk away again. “But next time, just save it for a Thursday, all right?”</p><p>“Hang on, Remus.” James was hurrying after him. “Look, I know we’ve been acting weird lately, but—”</p><p>“James,” said Remus wearily. “I’m trying to storm off dramatically.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“And you’re messing it up.”</p><p>“Right. Sorry. Off you go.”</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>And Remus stormed off.</p><p>
  
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. The Professor and the Prophet</h2></a>
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<h1>LILY</h1>
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<h2>The Professor and the Prophet</h2><p>Lily’s arm was getting tired. For being an unformed spiritous apparition that fed only on the fears of mortals, the Boggart was surprisingly heavy. Seizing the suitcase had seemed like the sensible thing to do at the time, but now she was regretting it. What was she supposed to <em>do</em> with the rotten thing? She supposed she ought to open the suitcase up and finish the Boggart off herself, but something made her resist this idea. Perhaps it was the memory of the Death Eater rising up out of nothing, wand pointed at her heart…</p><p>There’d been an article about Death Eaters in the newspaper just this week. Though Harmonia Lufkin’s assassination had been attributed to the so-called Muggle Rights activist Samuel Cornfoot, the incident had briefly brought the Death Eaters to the forefront of Wizarding consciousness. That, and another string of grisly Muggle murders in Slough had warranted a front page piece on the mysterious group of Dark wizards…with their skull-like masks and their militant hatred of people like Lily…</p><p>After some consideration, she decided to take the Boggart to Professor Dearborn. He was the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, after all. He could dispose of it properly.</p><p>Having resolved her most immediate problem, Lily’s thoughts returned unhappily to the scene in the corridor she’d just left. She must’ve looked so <em>stupid</em>. She knew the spell to ward off a Boggart, but she hadn’t even gone for her wand. She’d just stood there like an idiot, staring at the fake Death Eater, until <em>James Potter</em> of all people had had to step in. She briefly wondered why he was afraid of a woman in green robes, but her curiosity was quickly quelled by a burst of anger.</p><p>Potter. It was all his fault. She bet he and Black thought that was awfully funny, the Muggle-born who couldn’t even handle a Boggart. How could she have <em>ever</em> thought she fancied someone like him? How could she have ever even entertained the notion?</p><p>Just as she was fully indulging in this comforting wave of loathing, a body turned the corner like a shot and barreled right into her, knocking her to the ground. Lily let out a small cry of surprise as her bag tipped from her arm and spilled a constellation of quill-ends and parchment sheafs along the flagged stone floor. The suitcase went skidding into a wall, but mercifully, it remained shut.</p><p>“Oh god! Did I hurt you? I’m so sorry.”</p><p>“S’all right,” sighed Lily, slightly winded as she pushed herself up, her hair tangled about her face. “I wasn’t watching where I was going either.”</p><p>“I can be a damned oaf sometimes,” said the boy who had knocked her down. He knelt beside her to gather her scattered belongings. “Just barging around like a great lout.”</p><p>“Really, it’s —” She brushed her hair out of her eyes to take a proper look at her accidental assailant and once again felt the breath knocked out of her. He was <em>gorgeous</em>. Tall and fit, with a swoop of barley-colored hair, sharp cheekbones, dark lashes, and eyes like the ocean. To put it simply, he was...</p><p>“—<em>fine</em>. It’s fine!” she amended hastily. “I’m fine.”</p><p>“You must think I’m a complete brute, knocking you down like that,” the handsome boy went on, oblivious to Lily’s temporary mental glitch as he continued to gather her spilled belongings. He was vaguely familiar, but she couldn’t quite place him. “I can’t apologize enough. Only I’m late for Quidditch practice — again. Phin said he’d hex me if I was late one more time, and I don’t think he was bluffing.” He laughed as though Lily was in on the joke. “Lily, isn’t it?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“From the Slug Club?”</p><p>And Lily suddenly realized where she’d seen him before. He was the handsome boy who had smiled at her when she’d arrived late. How could she have forgotten a face so pretty?</p><p>“Right! Of course. Sorry, the context was missing…Oh, just leave them,” she said, as he attempted to organize the haphazard mess of parchments. “Really, don’t bother—”</p><p>But he stacked them up in a neat little pile nonetheless.</p><p>He stood and offered her a hand up, which she accepted, understanding for the first time what people meant when they spoke of butterflies in their stomach. Except this was a whole migration of monarchs.</p><p>“I’m Anson. Anson Nott.”</p><p>“Lily,” said Lily, stupidly.</p><p>Anson grinned.</p><p>“Right.” Lily shook her head, embarrassed. “You knew that already. Nice to meet you. Again. So — er — you play Quidditch, do you?”</p><p>“Seeker on the Ravenclaw Team. You?”</p><p>“Oh, god no. I mean—” <em>Why</em> was she the most awkward human ever to walk the earth? “I like Quidditch — I <em>love</em> Quidditch. I’m just…not very coordinated. As you might’ve noticed by my knocking everything to the floor…”</p><p>“As I recall that was definitely <em>my</em> fault.” He glanced back towards the corner he’d come around as he said this and noticed the suitcase lying haphazardly against the wall. Before she could protest, he dashed to pick it up. “Here’s your — er — suitcase?”</p><p>The Boggart gave a <em>thump</em>. Anson stared at it in bemusement.</p><p>Lily laughed uncomfortably. It was incredible how James Potter could embarrass her even when he was nowhere in sight. “It’s — ah — it’s a Boggart.”</p><p>“A Boggart? Really?”</p><p>Thus, for lack of a better idea, Lily explained the situation. She left out the bit with the Death Eater, though. “So I’m taking it to Professor Dearborn,” she concluded. “That’s where I’m headed now.”</p><p>“Blimey,” said Anson, and he laughed. And Lily laughed too because in this new, happy light cast by Anson Nott’s gorgeous smile, the whole thing seemed terribly funny. “Well, I guess I better let you get on your way then," he said. "And I’ve got to run myself…which is what I was doing…which is why I knocked you down…but it was very nice to run into you, Lily Evans. Figuratively.”</p><p>“You too," said Lily. "Literally.”</p><p>He grinned. “I’ll see you at Slughorn’s next dinner?”</p><p>“Definitely.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Lily had nearly forgotten the whole point of her expedition, basking as she was in the warm glow of that pleasant interlude, but the Boggart in the suitcase gave a furious <em>thump</em>, and she was brought back to earth. She sighed, scooped up the handle of the suitcase, and continued on her way to Professor Dearborn’s office.</p><p>She was afraid he might not be in, but thankfully his door hung slightly ajar, light spilling out onto the stone floor of the hall. She knocked and the door creaked open half-an-inch more. Dearborn didn’t seem to notice her. He was hunched at his desk, head in his hands. Spread out before him was a large collection of <em>Daily Prophets</em>.</p><p>“Excuse me, Professor Dearborn?”</p><p>Dearborn looked up with a small start at his name. “Miss Evans,” he said in a tone of mild surprise. “Do come in.”</p><p>She pushed through the door and stepped into the office. It was as bare as his classroom, empty-walled and projecting that special sort of dreariness the sparsely-decorated room implied: the stagnant sense of impermanence, of one who never bothered to unpack a suitcase for too long. He hadn’t even bothered to put all his books on the shelves; they hung around the room in tottering clusters, gathering dust or propped open haphazardly to some forgotten page. On one of the piles, another copy of the <em>Daily Prophet</em> slumped open, and though she was too far away to read the text, she recognized the photograph, the one that had haunted her all week: dark-hooded men with gleaming white masks, skull-like and empty-eyed…</p><p>“Running away from school, are we?”</p><p>“What?” Lily looked up from the newspaper. Professor Dearborn was eyeing her with faint bemusement. Only when the suitcase in her hand gave a little shiver did she realize what he meant. “Oh — no,” she laughed. “No, not at all. This is why I came to see you, actually. It’s a Boggart.” And for the second time that evening, she explained the situation.</p><p>Dearborn looked amused, if a bit tired. “Yes, I can take care of it.” He beckoned her further into the office. “Lucky Filch. You spared him quite a shock.”</p><p>“They wouldn’t have gotten in, anyway. His door was magically locked. I thought they’d probably dump it in the first year’s dormitory.”</p><p>“That would’ve been most unfortunate indeed.”</p><p>“It’s thoughtless,” said Lily, her frustration with the boys bubbling up again. “Their idea of a clever Halloween prank, I suppose. Those boys think they’re being funny, but people have enough to be frightened of these days. They don’t need help.”</p><p>“You’re not wrong about that,” said Dearborn. He smiled as he took the suitcase from her and hauled it onto the desk. “Nasty little buggers, Boggarts. But great for the armchair psychologist. Have you ever met one?”</p><p>“An armchair psychologist?”</p><p>Another smile. “A Boggart.”</p><p>“We studied them third year.”</p><p>“A practical lesson?”</p><p>“No, just textbook.” She hesitated, then added, “But I saw this one. Tonight. It — well, it turned into a Death Eater.”</p><p>Dearborn, who had been examining the lock on the suitcase, looked up at her slowly. “Smart girl.” There was a pause. “You’re Muggle-born, aren’t you, Lily?”</p><p>Lily felt her cheeks flush, but she met his gaze with something like defiance. “Is it obvious?”</p><p>“Well, you’re one of the few students who takes my class seriously, for more than just an O.W.L. It’s a subtle difference, but I can tell. But then again, I know what to look for. I’m Muggle-born myself, you see.”</p><p>“You are?” Lily had never had a Muggle-born professor before. In fact, she’d never met a Muggle-born adult, unless you counted a brief handshake with Mary Macdonald’s father at King’s Cross several years ago.</p><p>“Oh, yes,” said Dearborn. “My father was quite disappointed when I got the letter. I was supposed to follow in his footsteps, you see. Go to Eton, go to Oxford, become a Member of Parliament. Needless to say, I followed a different path.”</p><p>“Did he come around, your dad?”</p><p>“We haven’t spoken in years,” said Dearborn lightly. He drummed his fingers on the suitcase and the Boggart gave an angry <em>thump</em> in return. “You know, I think I’ll deal with this in the morning. It’s getting late.”</p><p>As he lifted the suitcase to stow it safely under the desk, a flurry of newsprint fluttered to the ground. Lily leaned down to pick it up and felt a dousing shock at the photograph on the front of the <em>Evening Prophet</em>: It was the curly-haired man from Diagon Alley that she’d seen making that speech all those months ago. She almost didn’t recognize him…if his face hadn’t been haunting the corners of her thoughts for months, she probably wouldn’t have. He looked as though he’d seen a lifetime of despair since that day in Diagon Alley. His once soft features were wrought with misery, his round cheeks diminished to shadowy caverns. There were dark smears of some brown substance along his chin, the sight of which made Lily feel rather nauseous, and the eyes that bore out of the photograph might as well have belonged to a cadaver.</p><p>The headline read: <strong>CORNFOOT CONDEMNED FOR MURDER OF MINISTRY OFFICIAL.</strong></p><p>“<em>That’s</em> Samuel Cornfoot? The man who murdered Harmonia Lufkin?”</p><p>Dearborn looked down at the news clipping in her hand. “Yes,” he said dispassionately. “He’s been in the news quite a bit recently. That’s the first photograph they’ve released though. Not a nice one. Rita Skeeter is very proud of herself, I’m sure.”</p><p>“But I know him!”</p><p>“What?” said Dearborn rather sharply.</p><p>“I mean — not personally,” she clarified, discomfited by the intensity of her teacher’s reaction. “We’ve never met, but I saw him in Diagon Alley this summer. He was giving some sort of speech about Muggle rights and employment and…stuff.”</p><p>She hadn’t exactly caught the finer details of the speech; by the time she’d arrived, the crowd had devolved to something resembling a mob.</p><p>“That sounds like Sam,” said Dearborn softly. “The old fool.”</p><p>“You know him?”</p><p>Dearborn frowned. For a moment Lily thought he was going to refuse to answer her, but then he just sighed. “We were at school together. Book-smart boy but not a Knut of common sense.”</p><p>“But—” Lily struggled. The news that Harmonia Lufkin’s murderer had been associated with a radical Muggle rights group — rather than Death Eaters as originally assumed — had been sensational at first, but interest had quickly petered off. As far as the general population was concerned, it was horrible what happened to Lufkin, of course, but ultimately unsurprising. Everyone knew you couldn’t trust Muggles.</p><p>Lily had swallowed all this with a quiet, lonely rage, the snuffing of a candle that refused to stop burning. And now — seeing the face of this man, a man Lily herself had heard arguing in defense of Muggles…to think that <em>this</em> man had murdered the Ministry official responsible for the most Muggle-friendly legislation in recent history…it was wrong. Something was deeply wrong.</p><p>“It doesn’t make any sense,” she concluded.</p><p>Dearborn observed her calmly, as though she had merely raised her hand to ask a question in class. “Why not?”</p><p>“Because I saw him! I heard him. He’s pro-Muggle. And hadn’t Lufkin just proposed the Muggle protection legislation? Why would Cornfoot give a speech on Muggle rights one day, then go out and murder a supportive Ministry official the next?”</p><p>“Maybe he thought her legislation wasn’t radical enough,” said Dearborn, echoing the common refrain of the newspapers.</p><p>“Oh, that’s bollocks,” said Lily, forgetting herself. “Er — sorry, sir.”</p><p>A smile. “Not at all.”</p><p>“It just — it doesn’t make any sense.”</p><p>“On the contrary. It makes agonizingly perfect sense, only you’re looking at it through the wrong lens.”</p><p>“You really think he killed her?”</p><p>“I’m quite certain he did."</p><p>“I don’t understand.”</p><p>“I never said he did it of his own free will.”</p><p>Lily stared at her professor, eyes wide as the meaning of his words hit her like a bucket of icy water. Dearborn sighed and dropped himself into the groaning leather chair behind his desk. He gestured for her to take a seat as well and she did so, setting the news clipping carefully back on his desk, not wishing to stare at Samuel Cornfoot’s ruined face any longer.</p><p>Professor Dearborn rummaged around in his desk drawer for something, then seemed to think better of it. Another sigh. “It’s just the sort of thing the Death Eaters would find amusing. Take an adamant pro-Muggle activist, force him to commit atrocities, and leave him with the memories. Azkaban is a pretty effective way to silence someone.”</p><p>“You think he was Imperiused?”</p><p>Dearborn gave her an appraising look. “You know about the Unforgivables, do you? The school governors assured me I was barred from teaching those before sixth year.”</p><p>“I read,” said Lily simply, and Dearborn almost grinned.</p><p>“Yes, I think he was Imperiused.”</p><p>“By Death Eaters?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>It was refreshing — if discomfiting — this level of honesty from a professor. No dodging or softening blows. Just reality, no matter how awful it was. That wasn’t something one got a lot of at Hogwarts. Everyone was always too busy pretending everything was fine.</p><p>“But why him?” prodded Lily. Now that someone was at last answering her questions, it was difficult to stop asking them. “I thought it was just Muggle-borns the Death Eaters hated. Cornfoot is pure-blood, isn’t he?”</p><p>“Precisely. He’s far more dangerous. You see, it’s very easy for the magical community to dismiss noisy Muggle-borns as mere trouble-makers. But a good pure-blood boy from a sacred twenty-eight family? Why, someone just might listen to <em>him</em>.”</p><p>There was a quiet but palpable fury in Dearborn’s voice that Lily found unsettling. Though he maintained the even and pleasant demeanor he always seemed to have painted across his features, his nostrils flared ever so slightly as he spoke; his jaw was set.</p><p>“When Cornfoot aligned himself with a so-called radical Muggle Rights group, he became what pure-blood supremacists call a ‘blood traitor.’ It was only a matter of time before they went after him. Now, pure-blood supremacists have been trying to purge the Ministry of undesirables since Nobby Leach resigned. He was the first Muggle-born Minister for Magic, you know. Before your time. Under his administration, a lot of progressive policies were put in place, a lot of Muggle-borns and Muggle-friendly officials were hired.</p><p>“Then came the inevitable backlash. Leach was ousted. ‘Mystery illness,’ my arse. If he wasn’t blackmailed or hexed out of office by one of those pure-blood bigwigs, I’ll eat my wand. And now they’re trying to clean house.”</p><p>Lily listened to every word of this history lesson with faint horror and fascination. History of Magic rarely covered anything more recent than the 18th century. She had known vaguely that there had been a Muggle-born Minister for Magic, but little beyond that.</p><p>“When you think about it,” Dearborn continued, “the assassination was a stroke of political genius. Talk about killing two birds with one stone: They assassinate a popular Muggle-friendly politician, frame the radical blood traitor for her murder, and use the incident to scapegoat the entire Muggle-born community in the process. Hell, forget two birds. They slaughtered the whole flock.”</p><p>“Then how can the Wizengamot convict him?” protested Lily, leaning forward earnestly in her chair. “Surely they know Cornfoot was a pawn.”</p><p>“He confessed.”</p><p>“Yes, but if he was Imperiused—”</p><p>Dearborn gave her an almost pitying look. “They don’t care. The Ministry wants this mess tidied up quickly. It makes them look bad. I daresay Sam might’ve gotten a fair trial if they’d been allowed time…but Rita Skeeter’s little scoop got everyone all riled up. The public wants punishment, and it’s far easier to hand them the Muggle Rights activist who confessed to the crime than it is to do an actual investigation — the result of which would be far less satisfying to print in the papers.”</p><p>“But it’s <em>wrong</em>.”</p><p>“Yes,” said Dearborn simply. His gaze drifted momentarily to the news clippings on the desk, and something unspeakable, something wounded, flittered across his face as his eyes landed on the one with the photograph of Samuel Cornfoot and his haunted gaze. Then, without comment, he flipped the photograph over, and his expression returned to neutral, pleasant, empty. “It is.”</p><p>
  
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. A Halloween Surprise</h2></a>
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<h1>JAMES</h1><hr/><h2>A Halloween Surprise</h2><p>“Oh, tastebuds! I’ve missed you so much! I’ll never forsake you again.”</p><p>“Keep it family-friendly now, James,” said Remus in mock reproof, helping himself to an enormous slice of carrot cake. “There are first years here.”</p><p>They were at the Halloween feast and, having finally removed the Mandrake leaves from their tongues, the boys were celebrating the holiday with what could only be described as orgasmic pleasure. It seemed to James as though the feast had been designed specifically for them, to deliver all the favorite foods they’d missed during the long Mandrake-flavored month. Next to him, Sirius was piling his plate high with treacle tart, while Peter was still whispering sweet nothings to the roast chicken.</p><p>And Remus was laughing. If he held any lingering resentment from his outburst the other week, he did not show it. In typical Remus fashion, he was acting like it had never happened. The full moon had been a few nights ago now, and he was still recovering, but tonight he was as cheerful as the rest of them. It was hard not to be, what with the brilliant show Hogwarts always put on for Halloween.</p><p>“So,” said Remus, “you’re finally done with the Mandrake leaf, are you? I no longer to have to wake to the sounds of retching at six a.m.?”</p><p>“No promises,” said Sirius. “We did procure that beautiful bottle of Ogden’s Old for tonight’s celebration, and we all know Peter is a lightweight.”</p><p>Peter expressed his indignation by choking on a large bite of chicken. “I can drink every bit as much as you!” he protested, after James gave him a good wallop on the back. </p><p>“Oh yeah? Tell that to Veronica Smethley. Oh wait, she won’t talk to you ever since your hurled all over her shoes last year.”</p><p>“That was one time, and there were extenuating circumstances, and I had already been feeling ill anyway…”</p><p>James laughed as Peter and Sirius continued to bicker. He gazed around the Great Hall, feeling very full and warm and fond of everyone. The Halloween feast was always a bit of spectacle, and this year was no exception. The Great Hall was done up in fine form: Flocks of bats swooped here and there in clusters near the ceiling, banners in black and orange fluttered behind the High Table, and enormous pumpkins had been carved into cavernous lanterns that sent sharp, flickering shadows across the walls.</p><p>His appreciative gaze landed at the end of the table where Mary Macdonald was tossing candies into Lily Evans’ mouth — or was trying to, at least. She was doing a terrible job of it, hitting her laughing friend in the face almost every time. Finally, with some quick maneuvering, Lily managed to catch one. She threw her hands up in victory while the girls around her cheered. James felt a grin tug at his face.</p><p>“Oi, James!”</p><p>He returned his attention to his friends. “What?”</p><p>“Peter reckons he can outdrink me tonight. He’s full of shit, right?”</p><p>James’s grin broadened. “Only one way to find out.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>A few hours later found the boys sprawled about their dormitory, a large bottle of Ogden’s Old Firewhiskey being passed from hand to hand. The room was heavy with the languid pleasure of the well-fed and mildly intoxicated. James and Sirius had snuck out to Hogsmeade the evening before to procure their prized bottle of whiskey. A drop of aging draught and Sirius had walked right into the Hogs Head and purchased it without question. Then again, James suspected the barman didn’t much care if you were fifteen or fifty. Even so, it had been thrilling.</p><p>“What exactly are we celebrating tonight?” asked Remus, who was laying sleepily on his stomach, draped over his bed.</p><p>James and Sirius exchanged a grin. Tonight was an important night. It marked the completion of the full cycle of the miserable Mandrake affair, which meant not only could they remove the rotten thing from their tongues, but more importantly: the final barrier on their road to becoming Animagi had been surmounted. They were so damn close.</p><p>They’d all made minor progress over the previous week. Sirius had at one point found himself covered in wiry black hair that was not, despite James’s snide assertions to the contrary, merely a part of puberty. James, for his part, had discovered strange knobby growths on the top of his cranium, and it had taken a good deal of magic to make them go away. He wasn’t sure what that meant, but it meant <em>something</em>.</p><p>“What are we celebrating?” repeated Sirius. “Why, the liberation of our poor tongues, naturally.”</p><p>James raised the bottle in a toast, slightly giddy in his drunkenness. “Fare thee well, Mandragora, you rancid old bastard. May you never poison our palates again.”</p><p>“Hear, hear,” cheered Peter.</p><p>“To progress!”</p><p>“To pubescence!”</p><p>And they all fell back laughing, except for Remus who shook his head and muttered, “Why do I bother asking questions?”</p><p>“Because you’ve got a sharp, inquisitive mind, Moony,” said Sirius, as he reclined comfortably on the floor against his bed, eyes shut, an easy smile on his face. “That’ll get you into trouble one day, that will.”</p><p>“I’m afraid it already has.” Remus reached for the bottle of whiskey. “James, you’ve got to share. I’m still too sober to put up with you lot.”</p><p>James snickered, took a final swig of whiskey, and stood to hand the bottle to Remus. He dropped himself onto the couch next to Peter, feeling an overwhelming sense of satisfaction...with life, with himself, with the whole world.</p><p>“I can’t believe we actually managed it,” whispered Peter. “A full month. I can still taste it, you know.”</p><p>Yes, they’d actually managed it, as they’d managed so many other impossible feats on their quest to to become Animagi. He found himself reminiscing almost fondly on all the years of struggle, studying and searching, sneaking around the library, tricking Professor McGonagall into giving him access to the Restricted Section…She’d asked him after class one day what he’d thought of the book, and he’d had to play dumb, pretending like it had all gone over his head. This had irritated his ego, but it was a worthy sacrifice for the greater good…</p><p>A sharp yelp from Remus wrenched James from his reverie. He jumped to attention.</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>“This is just firewhiskey, right?” said Remus, eyes wide and horrified.</p><p>“Yeah? Why?”</p><p>Remus raised a single, wavering finger and pointed across the room. “I think I’m hallucinating…but if I’m not, then Sirius just turned into a dog.”</p><p>Both James and Peter, whose eyes had been locked on Remus, whipped their heads around to Sirius’s bed. There, in precisely the spot where Sirius had been lounging moments before, sat a big, shaggy, black dog. It looked incredibly smug.</p><p>They all stared, then James said a bit hesitantly, “Sirius?”</p><p>The dog wagged its tail and barked twice.</p><p>James let out a whoop of delight and jumped up, punching a fist into the air. “You would!” he cried, bounding over to the dog. “You would do it before me, you absolute bastard!”</p><p>The dog gave a great <em>woof</em> in return and leapt forward onto James, knocking him to the floor with his gigantic paws. James laughed uproariously, and Peter joined in as well. The dog licked James’s cheek once, then panted in his face.</p><p>“Euuugh. Sirius slobber. Get <em>off</em>!”</p><p>“Does someone want to tell me what’s going on?” came Remus’s rather high-pitched voice from behind them. “Because I feel like I’m going mad, and it’s not a sensation I enjoy.”</p><p>The dog sprung off James’s chest (“<em>Ooof</em>,” said James), and bounded over to Remus, full of joyful barking, the soft pound of paws against floorboards echoing through the room. He wagged his tail in delight as Remus gaped.</p><p>James followed him over and collapsed next to Remus on his bed, still giggling too hard to get any words out. The dog, evidently absorbing the high energy in the room, began to run in circles, chasing his tail.</p><p>“Seriously, what is going on?”</p><p>“It’s — <em>hehe</em> — totally — <em>ah ha ha</em> — fine, Remus, really.” </p><p>“Sirius is a dog,” said Remus baldly. Clearly, this did not register as ‘fine’ in his book.</p><p>James and Peter looked at each other. Peter shrugged. </p><p>“Cat’s out of the bag now, I suppose?”</p><p>“Dog, really.”</p><p>James turned to Sirius the dog, who was still running in circles.</p><p>“Sirius — stop that and get over here. Sirius!”</p><p>The dog ignored him.</p><p>“Sirius! Sirius, COME!”</p><p>The dog stopped running and gave James a very dirty look. </p><p>“Well, if you’re going to be a dog, you’ll have to learn to heel, won’t you?”</p><p>The dog growled.</p><p>“Should’ve thought of that before you became a dog.”</p><p>“James is talking to a dog who is Sirius,” said Remus weakly to Peter, who nodded and patted him gently on the arm.</p><p>“I don’t care about your <em>dignity</em>, mate, you just chased your own tail about twenty times. Now get over here!”</p><p>The dog plodded over and sat with a whine directly before the three boys.</p><p>“Good dog,” said Peter, and Sirius growled at him. </p><p>“Okay,” said James, getting up off the bed and standing theatrically next to Sirius the dog, as though he were about to perform tricks. “We were going to tell you once we’d all managed it, but <em>someone</em> is a show-off and had to have a go before the rest of us. But never mind, we’ll get there soon. There’s nothing Sirius can do that I can’t. I’m just — I’m not that good at meditating, to tell you the truth.”</p><p>Remus looked at him blankly. “What?”</p><p>“We’re becoming Animagi!” Peter blurted out.</p><p>
  <em>“What?”</em>
</p><p>“Animagi,” said James impatiently. “Look! Sirius is a dog!”</p><p>“I…see that,” replied Remus in a faint voice. “But why?”</p><p>James sat back down on the bed next to him, grinning. “It’s brilliant, Remus, listen: Werewolf bites only affect humans. Other animals can’t be infected with lycanthropy.”</p><p>“…So?”</p><p>“<em>So</em> we’re becoming Animagi,” said James slowly, as though speaking to someone suffering from shock (which he supposed Remus probably was), “because if we’re <em>animals</em>, then we can go with you.”</p><p>“Go with me…where?”</p><p>“Where do you think? To the Shrieking Shack, obviously. We’ll come with you on the full moons, and you can’t hurt us because we'll be animals.”</p><p>Remus’s jaw fell open. He gaped at them all for a moment, eyes flitting between James and Peter and Sirius the dog. “You — you can’t possibly mean — you’re <em>mad</em>,” he whispered, eyes wide as saucers.</p><p>“It’s not mad,” said James. “It’s brilliant.”</p><p>“I can’t believe — <em>James!</em> This is definitely illegal.”</p><p>“Only a little.”</p><p>“Oh my god. You’re going to go to Azkaban.”</p><p>“No, we’re not. No one is going to know.”</p><p>“No one is going to know that Sirius is a giant dog now? Can he even change back?”</p><p>“Oh,” said James, turning to the dog. “Hadn’t thought of that. Sirius, can you change back?”</p><p>The dog barked, and then there was a very strange moment as dog turned back into boy, and suddenly Sirius sat sprawled on the dormitory floor, hair swept about his face as if he had just jumped off a broomstick. He took one look at their faces and began to laugh.</p><p>“Oh, cool. The spell to keep your clothes worked too,” observed James. “That’s handy.”</p><p>Sirius pushed himself into a more comfortable position. “That was wild. <em>Wild</em>.”</p><p>“What was it like?” asked Peter eagerly.</p><p>Sirius thought about this. “Like being a dog, but still with a human mind, but…with a dog in it. Like my human thoughts were mixed with dog thoughts.”</p><p>“Hence the tail-chasing,” nodded James.</p><p>“Yeah, that was fun.”</p><p>“I guess that explains what all that black fur was about last week. Merlin,” James tapped his cranium nervously. “What does that mean for me? I’m going to have horns?”</p><p>“I always thought you’d make a good goat,” said Sirius.</p><p>“I’m not a <em>goat</em>.”</p><p>“Can we please get back to the part where you’re all illegal Animagi?”</p><p>They all turned towards Remus, who was clearly still struggling with this revelation. He watched them wide-eyed from his bed, mouth slightly open as though he’d forgotten how to shut it.</p><p>Sirius grinned. “Only one of us so far. And don’t worry, Moony! No one knows, and no one is going to know. We haven’t told a soul what we’re doing.”</p><p>“So…so this is why you’ve been meditating?”</p><p>They all nodded.</p><p>“And…the Mandrake leaves?”</p><p>“Worst month ever,” groaned Peter.</p><p>“Oh my god.”</p><p>“Moony,” said Sirius sternly as he stood up from the floor. “Stop it. Stop worrying. We’ve got this completely under control.”</p><p>“But—”</p><p>“I said stop it.”</p><p>“But I—”</p><p>“Shh!”</p><p>Remus looked around at them all, overwhelmed and completely stunned. “Okay but did you all just wake up one morning and think ‘Hmm, nothing much on today, might as well become illegal Animagi?’” He said all of this very quickly before Sirius could cut him off, and they all laughed.</p><p>“Are you kidding?” said James. “We’ve been working on this since second year.”</p><p>“You…what? Really?”</p><p>James nodded. “Ever since we found out you were a werewolf. Took us a bit to come up with the idea, sure, but then we read that about animals being immune to lycanthropy and we thought, why not?”</p><p>“I — I really have no idea what to say,” said Remus weakly.</p><p>“We didn’t tell you sooner,” explained Sirius, “because we knew you’d worry. Like you’re doing now, even though I told you quite firmly to <em>stop it</em>.”</p><p>“Yeah,” agreed James, “and also we really wanted to see your face. Which — you did not disappoint, mate.”</p><p>Remus seemed to be on the verge of some strange, unspeakable emotion, but before he could find the words to verbalize it, James said: “All right — Sirius, what did you do differently this time? I want to have a go.”</p><p>Sirius shrugged. “Nothing, really. Must be the Mandrake effect. You’ve just got to…you know, focus, and then…poof.”</p><p>“Poof?”</p><p>“Technically speaking, yes.”</p><p>“I don’t know how to poof,” complained James. Ignoring Sirius’s sniggers, he went over to his own bed, sat down, and closed his eyes. He could feel the weight of their eager gazes upon him. It was very distracting. After a moment, he opened an eye and glared back. “Stop looking at me.”</p><p>He closed his eyes again. <em>Focus</em>.</p><p>“Peter,” he heard Remus say, a slightly awed tone to his voice, “you’re in on this too? It’s madness.”</p><p>“Yeah,” agreed Peter, “but it’s also pretty brilliant. You’ll see.”</p><p>James sighed, loudly. “Am I rhinoceros yet?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Bugger.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Nor was he a rhinoceros the next day, or even a goat the week after that. Try as he might, his own Animagus form eluded him. This was infuriating and highly demoralizing. He couldn’t quite bear that Sirius had done it and he, James, had not.</p><p>Perhaps he was pushing himself too hard. That’s what Peter suggested. It was true that James was exhausted. Quidditch practice had become ever more intensive, and the heavy load of his O.W.L. coursework was increasingly crushing. Add non-stop and overzealous Animagi practice to the mix, and it was a small wonder he got out of bed in the morning at all.</p><p>But James was determined, and so, as he returned from a particularly grueling Quidditch practice, bones aching, head pounding, he dropped into bed intent not on the much-desired sleep, but on an hour or so of meditation. The trick was to completely empty your mind, which seemed to be something that James Potter was exceptionally bad at. It wasn’t <em>his</em> fault he had so much going on in there.</p><p>He tried counting to seven, like Sirius had suggested, breathing slowly in and out…focusing on the spell…in and out…his body was heavy and his bed so soft…in and out…and soon, the siren call of sleep quickly claimed him. </p><p>He dreamed he was flying high over the castle, the lake a glassy blur below. He was looking for Sirius, who’d run off as a dog, and Peter, who’d turned into an antelope. Both his friends had managed the spell without him and left him on his own.</p><p>Feeling very hard done by, he dove towards the Quidditch pitch, landing with a soft thud on the lawn. But there was no one there, so he tried the locker room, flinging open the door, calling out his friends’ names…and suddenly, as he rounded a corner through the endless rows of metal lockers, there was Lily Evans, leaning against the wall, her nose in a book.</p><p>She looked up as he approached.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” asked James, frowning at her.</p><p>“For your information,” said Dream Lily Evans, “I happen to like Quidditch.”</p><p>Then, with a coy smirk, she tossed her book aside and slipped off her robes to reveal lingerie that was strikingly similar to a certain Muggle magazine Sirius had acquired last year…</p><p>“Or at least, I like Quidditch players.”</p><p>And then, in a shock of lips, she was kissing him — furiously — her hands in his hair, her breath fogging up his glasses. She was unbuckling his trousers, and —</p><p>James awoke with a gasp.</p><p>“Oh, <em>fuck</em>.”</p><p>
  
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Nature's Nobility</h2></a>
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<h1>LILY</h1>
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<h2>Nature's Nobility</h2>
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  <p><strong>PRO-MUGGLE POLICY ENDANGERS INNOCENT WIZARDS</strong><br/>
By Abraxas Malfoy</p>
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    <em>In these troubled and increasingly dangerous times, we, the Wizarding peoples of Great Britain, look to our government for guidance and leadership. Unfortunately, the current administration shows little interest in providing either. Whether this is due to Minister for Magic Eugenia Jenkins' rumored poor health, or whether she simply does not care — only time will tell. Time, however, is growing scarce. </em>
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    <em>The horrific and brutal murder of pure-blood Harmonia Lufkin was only the most recent incident indicating the need for stricter security measures within the Ministry of Magic and various Wizarding institutions, yet Jenkins does nothing.</em>
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    <em>For instance, the assault on St. Mungo's worker Clarence Price over the summer was clearly caused by the provocation of his assistant, Elsa Fellowes, a Healer-in-Training of Muggle birth who had recently published pro-Muggle material in this very newspaper. Similarly, in September, three innocent pure-blood Ministry workers were injured during an altercation with a Muggle-born employee.</em>
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    <em>New information uncovered by Daily Prophet reporter Rita Skeeter suggests that Samuel Cornfoot, radicalized by a pro-Muggle terrorist group, had help coordinating his attack on Harmonia Lufkin from Muggle-borns within the Ministry's employ.</em>
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    <em>The policies of ex-Minister for Magic Nobby Leach, who resigned in disgrace in 1968, have left an indelible scar upon this country. His obsession with institutionalized blood equality and his maniacal promotion of unpopular legislation has crippled our community. Simply put: The hiring of Muggle-borns at the Ministry and other such noble institutions as St. Mungo's is actively endangering our people. </em>
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    <em>We must ask ourselves: What is the price we are willing to pay to continue these outdated and illogical practices? For how much longer will we sacrifice the safety of our loved ones for the lofty and questionable ideals of a disgraced ex-Minister?</em>
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    <em>There is a time and place for leisurely academic discussions of 'equality' and 'blood warfare', yet for now, surely, it is more important to preserve the safety and sanctity of our own community. </em>
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</blockquote><p>Lily lowered the newspaper and looked up at Mary, her expression one of mingled horror and disgust. Bright rays of sunlight filled the Gryffindor common room where Lily had been enjoying a lazy Sunday morning until Mary returned looking grim and clutching a copy of the <em>Daily Prophet</em>.</p><p>“I told you it was bad,” said Mary glumly.</p><p>“It’s revolting!” said Lily. “Surely no one will listen to this rot? I mean, come on: ‘<em>Three innocent pure-bloods were injured during an altercation with a Muggle-born</em>?’ What do you think the altercation was about?!”</p><p>“I know, but—” Mary hesitated. “You don’t get the <em>Prophet</em> at home, so you wouldn’t have seen. This isn’t Abraxas Malfoy’s first op-ed. He published a few over the summer, all hinting at the same thing, and there’s hardly been any blowback. No one seems to want to stand up and say, ‘Hey, maybe let’s stop the bastards murdering people instead of just blaming Muggle-borns.’” Mary leaned back in her chair, looking miserable. “My dad was in a right state all summer.” </p><p>Mr. Macdonald, Lily knew, was Muggle-born and worked for the Broom Regulatory Control Office at the Ministry. He was, therefore, the direct target of Abraxas Malfoy’s ire.</p><p>“‘Forget two birds, they slaughtered the whole flock,’” muttered Lily.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“It was something Professor Dearborn said—”</p><p>“Professor Dreamboat?” a voice interrupted. Lily turned to see Alodie and the other Gryffindor girls settle onto on the sofa across from them. “I have a bone to pick with him,” said Alodie. “How in the name of Merlin does he expect us to finish a whole roll of parchment on defensive jinxes by Tuesday?”</p><p>Lily and Mary exchanged a look of understanding that their previous conversation was to be shelved for later. Neither of them were particularly keen to discuss the woes of Muggle-borns with their classmates.</p><p>“Honestly,” continued Alodie, oblivious to this aside, “if he wasn’t so damn handsome I think I’d complain.”</p><p>“I might,” said Marlene. “Defensive jinxes are all very well, but we haven’t covered any of the required O.W.L. material. It’s not fair to sabotage our futures for his political agenda.”</p><p>“Where are you going?” asked Mary with a frown as Lily stood, abruptly tossing the <em>Daily Prophet</em> aside.</p><p>“Er —” she said, grasping for the quickest excuse she could find for her departure. “I forgot. I’m supposed to meet Severus.”</p><p>A dark look was exchanged among the Gryffindor girls. None of them, Mary included, liked Severus Snape, but Lily didn’t wait to hear the inevitable admonishments. She quickly gathered her belongings and headed for the portrait hole. Her temper felt dangerously close to the surface lately, and she didn’t want to get into a fight about politics today. Besides, Marlene had developed a rather irritating new habit of nagging Lily about the Slug Club if she hung around too long, so Lily felt her escape plan was perfectly reasonable.</p><p>Perhaps she would go meet up with Severus. They’d hardly seen each other outside of classes, and what few classes they shared offered little opportunity for socializing. Yes, she’d go find him. It was a perfectly lovely Sunday, so she knew just where he’d be.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The library was dim and dusty, despite the faint hope of sunlight that peeked through windows and peered around corners. After hunting around a bit, and picking up a few books she’d wanted anyway, she found Severus tucked away in a corner, barely visible behind the towers of books on his table. He was hunched over an enormous, ancient-looking tome, running his finger along its dusty pages. So engrossed was he that, despite the clack of shoes that echoed through the library’s hush, he didn’t even notice her approach.</p><p>“What’s that?” she asked brightly, leaning over to see.</p><p>Severus jumped a little, bumping her arm with his jagged, bony shoulder. “Oh, hi,” he said, twisting his neck to see her properly. She smiled, and he smiled back. “It’s — er — for Defense Against the Dark Arts.”</p><p>Lily glanced down at the book, and Severus made a jerky half-gesture as though to conceal it. The open page showed an illustration of the phases of the moon, coinciding with a man in various stages of a most painful-looking transformation. A werewolf.</p><p>Lily frowned. “Our class isn’t doing Dark Creatures. Is yours?”</p><p>“It’s…extracurricular.”</p><p>Lily gave him a sideways look, then shrugged and plopped herself down in the chair across from him, dropping her own collection of books onto the pile. Severus was always reading about strange subjects that had little to do with their studies. </p><p>The sun glimmered in taunting strokes through the library’s tall lancet windows. It was unseasonably nice today, perhaps one of the last truly lovely days before the grounds were swept into an irreversible winter’s chill. </p><p>“It’s stuffy in here,” she informed him with a covetous glance at the window. “Let’s go for a walk.”</p><p>“I can’t,” said Severus, brushing a strand of dark hair from his face. “I’ve got too much to do.”</p><p>“Oh, come on. It’ll be fun! We’ve got to get you out of this library. I’m afraid you’re starting to must.”</p><p>“I can’t.”</p><p>Lily heaved a dramatic sigh and threw herself upon one of the large tomes before her, laying her head in her arms and looking up at him despondently. “But it’s so nice out. There’s a sun and everything!” Severus couldn’t help but smile at her pantomime of pouting, and Lily felt a small thrill of victory. She knew that she could get him to come along, if only she tried hard enough. “Pretty please? We can grab some sandwiches and make a picnic of it.”</p><p>She could see him struggling for a moment, tempted, but then he said: “I’ve really got to finish this. It’s important.”</p><p>He wasn’t going to give in. Lily sighed again — a real, exasperated sigh. This wasn’t how it was supposed to work. She pushed herself back up off the books. “Fine,” she said, rather coolly.</p><p>For want of anything else to do, she examined the book over which she’d briefly been sprawled. Its cover glinted in the sunlight, and the tarnished gilding proclaimed imperiously: <em>Nature’s Nobility: A Wizarding Genealogy.</em></p><p>Lily frowned at it. “What are you reading this for?”</p><p>Splotches of pink appeared on Severus’s normally pallid face. “I — it’s — well, I found my family tree.”</p><p>“I thought your dad was a Muggle?”</p><p>Severus scowled. “He is, but my mother’s pure-blood, you know. Prince. Look.”</p><p>He opened the book to a section he’d marked with a scrap of parchment. She pulled it towards her to examine the thin, spidery lines that embellished its pages. Severus pointed to the last name on the tree.</p><p>
  <em>Eileen Prince (1932 - present)</em>
</p><p>“That’s her,” he said quietly.</p><p>Lily examined the curling script as though it might betray some of the secrets of the inscrutable woman who was Severus’s mum. She traced her finger along the line leading Eileen Prince to her parents, Sev’s grandparents, <em>Setronius Prince (1901-1958)</em> and <em>Imogen Bulstrode (1906-1970)</em>. The Prince line went back centuries…she followed it a few more generations then stopped, shocked. </p><p><em>Solinus Prince (1835-1911)</em> married to <em>Davina Potter (1841-1860).</em></p><p>“You’re related to Potter!”</p><p>Severus grabbed the book back and examined it, his features clouding. “Barely,” he said dismissively. “That doesn’t count. All pure-blood families are interrelated in some way.”</p><p>But Lily was fascinated. She reclaimed the book and flipped a few pages earlier until — yes, there it was. The Potter family tree. God, it went on for pages and pages…tiny, threading lines connecting Potter after Potter throughout history, all the way back to <em>Hardwin Potter (1209-1297)</em> who had married<em> Iolanthe Peverell (1215-1301).</em></p><p>She followed the lines back to the present day again — past great-grandfather Gifford, grandfather Henry, great-aunt Davina, who’d married Solinus Prince, and the still-living Fleamont and Euphemia — then she found him:<em> James Potter (1960 - present)</em>. The end of the line. </p><p>She stared at this for a moment, her mind boggling over the vast stretches of recorded history within one boy’s family. She wondered what it must feel like to carry the burden of so many ancestors.</p><p>And then there was Lily, who’d never even met her grandparents.</p><p>She could feel Severus watching her, but she ignored him, unwilling to meet his eye. She told herself that she was merely curious about Wizarding history, that her interest had nothing to do with the boy in question.</p><p>So she flipped to the next page. It contained a lithograph of a grand, sprawling house, brick-fronted and beautiful, tucked into the folds of the English countryside. The caption read: <em>Potter House, current home of Fleamont and Euphemia Potter.</em></p><p>Lily’s stomach churned. She remembered Alodie and Marlene discussing James’s family. What was it Marlene had said? <em>New money.</em> It didn’t look very new to Lily. She’d thought all their talk of “arranged marriages” and “future prospects” to be utterly ridiculous, but it really was a different world. A world of sprawling mansions and fabulous wealth and — look at Potter! He really was part of the pure-blood elite. No wonder he’d said he wouldn’t date Lily if she were the last girl in school. Centuries of history, a house that could fit every back-to-back on her street inside its walls…even if Lily weren’t Muggle-born, she was still a little nobody from the industrial armpit of Manchester…</p><p><em>And I don’t care!</em> she thought fiercely. <em>I don’t care what anyone thinks of me, let alone James bloody Potter.</em></p><p>But she did care, of course, because everyone else cared. Oh, Gryffindors loved to pretend like they were above blood discrimination, like they were so much holier than their Slytherin peers, but some of the worst comments she’d heard over the years, the most frequent offenders, the small, incessant, paper-cut wounds…these came directly from her own housemates. They cared, and no matter what Sev had told her years ago about how it didn’t matter being Muggle-born — that wasn’t true. It mattered. It mattered so much to so many people. It obviously mattered to Severus, or he wouldn’t even be looking at this stupid book in the first place.</p><p>She slammed the offending book shut, making Severus jump. A few of the surrounding books tottered off their pile.</p><p>“Why do you care about this rubbish?” Lily demanded. “None of it matters.”</p><p>Severus looked startled by her burst of fury. “It’s my heritage, isn’t it? And it matters to some people…”</p><p>“Well it shouldn’t,” said Lily bluntly. “All this pure-blood, half-blood, Muggle-born nonsense…it’s a load of shit, Sev.”</p><p>Severus fiddled with his quill, uncomfortable. Lily knew that she was being unfair; she wasn’t even angry at <em>him</em>, precisely, but she was just so furious with the world that she couldn’t contain it any longer.</p><p>“Forget it,” she snapped. “I’m not going to sit in the library all day. If you won’t come with me, I’ll just go have a picnic by myself.” </p><p>And she grabbed her stack of books from the toppled pile on the table and took off before he could say another word.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>After leaving the library, Lily headed for the castle doors, stopping only briefly by the Great Hall to fold a sandwich into a napkin and stuff it into her bag. Outside, it was colder than it looked. There was in fact a considerable chill in the air, a touch of frost you could almost taste. It was November, after all. But it was pleasant and quiet, and she was glad to be out of the castle, which had started to feel a bit suffocating these days.</p><p>She wandered aimlessly across the grounds and soon found herself coasting the edge of the lake, far from the oft-crowded shores where, in warmer weather, students hung about chatting and dipping toes into cool water. Here, the terrain was rockier, wilder. The Forbidden Forest at her back, she followed a path that wound towards a jut of rock protruding over the lake. A hardworking tree grew at an angle, leaning out over the unknowable depths of the water below, its trunk a tangle of roots over rock.</p><p>She settled herself against the tree, glancing down at the murky gloom of the lake as she did so. She pulled the sandwich from her bag, unwrapped it from the napkin, and began to eat, gazing contemplatively at the Whomping Willow, swaying gently in the distance. It looked quite peaceful with its knotted branches floating about, but looks, Lily knew, could be deceiving. She winced, remembering Davey Gudgeon appearing in the common room a few years ago with a bloodied eye among other unsightly abrasions. Rumor was he’d taken a dare to touch the trunk of the notoriously aggressive tree. Lily believed it: Davey had never been the brightest of boys.</p><p>Movement along the outer edge of the forest tore her attention away from the Willow. Something rustled along the tree-line. She squinted, but it was too far away to properly distinguish. Some sort of animal, she expected.</p><p>She brushed the crumbs from her lap and pulled a book at random from her bag. She was surprised to find herself holding a battered old copy of <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em>. This wasn’t one of the books she’d meant to check out. Frowning slightly, she opened it and almost immediately recognized the cramped handwriting in the margins. This was Severus’s book. She must have grabbed it by mistake when she’d left the library in a huff.</p><p>She felt badly about that. It hadn’t been fair to blow up at him. It wasn’t <em>his</em> fault the world was so awful. She’d apologize when she saw him next and give him back his book. Curious, she flipped through the text. Severus had annotated almost every page, crossing out sections of recipes and adding his own little scribbles. A few additions, she noted with amusement, were things they’d argued over, such as when Severus tried to convince her antidotes were a waste of time (<em>just shove a bezoar down their throats</em>), or when Lily had tried to convince Severus that crushing sopophorous beans was more effective than cutting them. But there was far more here than just potions…she noticed numerous little spells cluttering the margins. <em>Levicorpus</em>. She wondered what that did…</p><p>She was still absorbed in the book when a voice jerked her out of her reverie.</p><p>“All right, Evans?”</p><p>He’d appeared as if out of nowhere, standing there with his usual air of entitlement. James Potter. One arm hung by his side, the other ruffled his already messy hair. He watched her with an almost patronizing smirk on his stupid face.</p><p>Her eyes narrowed.</p><p>“All right,” she said coolly, returning her attention to Severus’s book. Maybe if she ignored him, he’d just leave.</p><p>Yeah, right.</p><p>“What are you doing?” asked James.</p><p>“What does it look like I’m doing?”</p><p>“Sitting on a rock in the cold, reading a book,” James responded, a note of amusement in his voice. “The real question is <em>why</em>.”</p><p>“Maybe I want to be alone.”</p><p>“Oh." A pause. "So, what are you reading?”</p><p>Lily ignored him. Some people could <em>not</em> take a hint.</p><p>“Right,” drawled James. “Someone’s not feeling very chatty today.”</p><p>Seconds later, the book slipped from her fingers and flew into James’s outstretched hand. Lily whipped her head up towards him; he was examining the cover with an infuriatingly innocent expression.</p><p>“Give it back, Potter.”</p><p>“What, I can’t look at it?”</p><p>“Not without permission, you can’t!”</p><p>“Well, apparently I can.”</p><p>Lily got to her feet, glaring. “You are such a prat. Give it back.”</p><p>“I just want to see what you’re reading,” insisted James, and he flipped through the pages with a bemused expression. “Why do you have a N.E.W.T.-level Potions book? Really, Evans, you’ve out-swotted yourself.”</p><p>Lily felt herself turning an impressive shade of scarlet. She imagined what Severus would say if he knew James Potter of all people had his hands on this book.</p><p>“Blimey, is this your diary? You can barely read the text for all these scribbles. What does <em>Muffliato</em> mean?” He turned the book sideways, trying to decipher Severus’s cramped handwriting.</p><p>“It’s not mine, and I’d appreciate if you gave it <em>back</em>.”</p><p>On this last word, she lunged for the book, but James lifted it swiftly above his head, grinning. “Might not want to try out for Seeker just yet,” he teased.</p><p>Lily flushed. “Do you ever get bored of bothering me?”</p><p>“Not in the slightest. You’re so delightfully bothersome.”</p><p>“Ha ha. It must be exhausting being so clever all the time.”</p><p>“Well, it’s a heavy burden, I admit, but I bear it admir—hey!”</p><p>Lily had turned away as if giving up, then lunged and got a grip on the book, taking him by surprise. But he held tightly, still with that same amused expression, and for a moment they struggled foolishly, like two children caught in a strange game. Then Lily let out a triumphant, “Ha!” as the book came loose from his hand. She took a step back to secure her victory…and landed on a slippery knot of tree roots. The force from the liberated book and the slip of slick root combined in horrible tandem, and for a second neither of them quite realized what was happening — James still gripping a book where there was none and Lily with her mouth half-opened to gloat of her victory — and then, with a terrible splash, Lily went careening into the lake.</p><p>As soon as she hit the surface, she felt the air knocked out of her lungs. The icy cold water pierced her with a thousand tiny knives. She gasped, kicking her feet to keep above the surface.</p><p>“Are you all right?” called James from the rock. He looked simultaneously anxious and as though he was trying very hard not to laugh.</p><p>It took Lily a moment to regain her voice. When she found it again, it did not have nice things to say. “You fucking bastard!” she cried, and she hurled the now-sopping book at him with all her might. It missed and landed with a vague squelch on the rock.</p><p>This seemed to break James’s composure, and he burst out laughing.</p><p>“Here,” he said, trying to collect himself as he leaned over the rock. “Give me your hand.”</p><p>“Fat chance,” Lily spat as she started swimming to the edge, her cloak fanning out behind her in the water. She wasn’t about to accept help from the idiot who’d pushed her in.</p><p>“I’m very sorry,” James said formally, but the sentiment was somewhat undermined by the chortles he choked back. </p><p>“You seem it.”</p><p>He extended his arm out to her again, but she swatted it away. </p><p>It happened as she reached for the rock to pull herself up: A tug at her foot, the squeeze of long, brittle fingers around her ankle, and before she could even shriek, something tugged and pulled her under. </p><p>Water flooded her lungs from the surprise plunge. She wrenched her head around and nearly screamed in horror at the creature that clung to her ankle. Horrible green skin and sharp, bared teeth. By the time she had named it — a grindylow — another had appeared, and Lily realized with sinking horror that her wand was tucked safely in her bag on the rock above. She choked and struggled as they tightened their grip on her ankle; more appeared and began to grasp at her cloak, pulling her down...</p><p>And without her wand, what could she do? Contorting, she pried at the fingers clutching her ankle, but as she pulled off one beast, another appeared, then another…and another…and then something very strange happened: She felt as though time slowed down, and there was something inside her burning, and it wasn’t just her struggling lungs. She felt a fire beneath her skin, kindled by her own panic — some strange, wandless magic, and it was <em>bursting</em>. One of the grindylows let go with what might’ve been a yelp. </p><p>But it wasn’t enough. They were dragging her down…the hazy barrier between sky and lake was glowing dimmer in the distance…and she couldn’t breathe…she kicked and kicked, but she couldn't free herself…this was it, she thought wildly, she was going to drown…she couldn’t breathe…she couldn’t…</p><p>But then Lily felt fingers on her waist, and they were different from the brittle bones of the grindylow. They were firmer, deliberate, pulling her upwards. She saw a jet of boiling water hit one of the grindylows, a burst of red blossoming on its green skin, and she felt her ankles released. She kicked her feet and struggled to swim upwards, but she needed oxygen, and she was weak for lack of it.</p><p>The hand around her waist held tight, and she realized through the murky haze that it was connected to an arm…which must be connected to a body…and the body was pulling her upwards, upwards…</p><p>With a great heave, Lily felt herself hoisted from the water and onto the rock. She spluttered and coughed as she fell upon the rough surface, taking great gulps of air and trying to readjust her breathing. There was an unpleasant ringing in her ears. </p><p>Seconds later, a figure rose from the lake, spraying water everywhere. He too took deep, ragged breaths with his hands on his knees, but then he straightened up…and he looked perfectly striking, standing there on that rock, his wet black hair plastered to his face and…no, hang on. That was the lack of oxygen to her brain talking. He looked stupid, because he was stupid, because this was Potter — <em>James Potter</em> — standing over her, lording his victory, enjoying her humiliation, as always. </p><p>“Are you all right?” he asked with another spluttering cough, tapping his glasses with his wand to clear off the water.</p><p>Lily didn’t respond. She was still shaking from head to foot, her body reeling from both the cold and the lack of oxygen. She forced herself up into a seated position and peeled off her cloak, which was waterlogged and sopping and not doing a thing to make her warmer. </p><p>James was leaning towards the lake, inspecting the murky water with interest. “Grindylows,” he said, sounding more fascinated than upset. “Who knew there were grindylows in the lake! I didn’t. Did you?” He turned back to her. “Hey—” and his voice dipped with something like concern as he knelt down beside her. “Are you sure you’re okay?” </p><p>Then he turned very pink and looked away.</p><p>Lily was suddenly uncomfortably conscious of the fact that her soaked skirt was clinging quite unambiguously to her skin, and her white blouse was almost certainly see through. “I’m fine,” she snapped, hurriedly reaching for the dripping cloak she had just removed and throwing it over herself as imperiously as she could manage. The effect was rather muted by both her continued shivering and the cloak’s sodden squish. Her cheeks were burning in humiliation. She fastened the cloak with trembling fingers, grabbed her bag, and stood glaring at him for a moment, daring him to say something.</p><p>He did not.</p><p>So she did the only thing she could think of: She yelled at him. “I would’ve been fine, you know. I didn’t need your help!”</p><p>And then she stalked off.</p><p>She expected him to laugh at her, to call out sardonically that she had been doing quite a nice job of saving herself, and he was terribly sorry he’d intervened, but he did neither. He just stood there, slightly pink and with an extremely bewildered expression on his face. </p><p>If the wind had been blowing in a slightly different direction, or if the squelch of her waterlogged shoes had been slightly softer, Lily might’ve heard the whisper, faint and furious, that floated towards her from the boy on the rock by the lake:</p><p>
  <em>“Fuck.”</em>
</p><p>
  
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Is anyone else having a rough week? I'm having a rough week. But the good news is that James Potter is an absolute idiot and Thursday's chapter is one of my faves. :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. An Unexpected Gift</h2></a>
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<h1>JAMES</h1><hr/><h2>An Unexpected Gift</h2><p>“Fuck,” said James, to no one.</p><p>He stood alone on the rock jutting out over the lake, soaking wet and absolutely bloody freezing, though that was the least of his worries at present. For James Potter was facing something akin to an internal landslide. Some sort of seismic emotional shift was taking place, and he did not like it at all.</p><p>You see, being a fifteen-year-old boy was hard. In fact, James was fairly confident that it was the hardest thing in the world and that anyone who suggested otherwise was either lying or had never <em>been</em> a fifteen-year-old boy in the first place and was therefore in no position to judge. For instance, what in the name of Merlin’s frilliest knickers was a boy supposed to do upon discovering that, quite by accident and through no fault of his own, he fancied a girl he had no business fancying?</p><p>He had tried to discount that stupid dream as nothing more than that: a stupid dream. One of the many weird side effects of becoming an Animagus, perhaps. Dreams didn’t mean anything, anyway. They were just nonsense from your subconscious, bubbling up to bother you while you innocently slept. But it was no good. He couldn’t get it — he couldn’t get <em>her</em> — out of his head.</p><p>And now this.</p><p>His brain told him that it was ludicrous, that this was Evans, <em>Lily Evans</em>, the swotty little girl he’d known since he was eleven, the girl he’d teased for years, the prefect who spent all her time hanging around that greasy git Snape.</p><p>Unfortunately, the brain of a fifteen-year-old boy is a busy, cramped place, easily overwhelmed and prone to sensory overload. Thus his brain, noble organ though it may be, was doing a rather botched job at keeping the rest of its provinces in check. Though the logical bit of his mind declared shrilly that he did not fancy Lily Evans…the rest of him disagreed most profoundly.</p><p>This was a lot to process, and so James had simply stood there, rather pink and embarrassed and utterly, stupidly silent while Lily stormed off. She’d moved quickly back towards the castle, shivering in the wind, her dark red hair dripping down her back, her cloak billowing out around what he now recognized to be a very nicely-shaped body indeed. He had never thought too much about Lily Evans’ body before. Sure, he’d thought about <em>girls</em> in general — he’d completed a thorough examination of those Muggle magazines Sirius had brought last year — but that was completely different. This was Evans. <em>Lily Evans.</em> He couldn’t fancy her. He simply couldn’t.</p><p>Except…he did.</p><p>And it suddenly struck him that he must have fancied her for a while now. The depth of feeling for a girl with which he was presently overwhelmed did not simply spring up in a single moment, even if that moment included a glimpse of her bra.</p><p>Merlin, how long had this been going on under his very nose? Why had no one <em>told</em> him?</p><p>“Fuck,” he said again. “Shit. Fuck. Fucking hell fuck shit bollocks and bugger.”</p><p>As if in response to this sudden outburst of profanity, a gale of cruel wind swept across the lake, and James, still sopping with lake water, shivered uncomfortably. He shrugged on his cloak, which he’d mercifully thought to throw off before diving in. He ought to get back to the forest where his friends were waiting.</p><p>They’d come here to practice transforming into Animagi. It was Pete’s idea. (“What if we become something really big and smash up our dormitory?”) Sirius was still the only one to manage a full transformation, a fact that needled James constantly.</p><p>He’d only meant to slip away for moment to practice on his own — he felt self-conscious with them all staring at him — but then he’d seen Lily by the lake, and he couldn’t resist coming over to annoy her. He didn’t know why. Maybe he’d wanted to convince himself that the dream had truly meant nothing. Maybe it was because he knew her cheeks would redden at the sight off him, because he knew just how to wind her up, just what to say to see sparks in those brilliant green eyes…</p><p>Hell.</p><p>As he turned back to the forest, he noticed something that had hitherto escaped his attention: An old book sat in a sodden mass upon the rock. It read: <em>Advanced Potion-Making.</em></p><p>James glared at the book for a long moment. This was all <em>its</em> fault, really. If she hadn’t been reading it, then he wouldn’t have felt compelled to take it from her, and then she wouldn’t have tried to grab it back and slipped and fallen in the lake, and then he might still be blissfully ignorant of this unfortunate new infatuation. Or at least able to keep pretending.</p><p>He briefly considered chucking the book back in the lake as revenge, but then he hesitated. Lily would be missing it. She had said it wasn’t hers, which meant she’d likely be in a spot of trouble if she lost it…and she’d probably be really grateful to whomever gave it back…</p><p>Not that he cared, mind you.</p><p>(He cared, a lot.)</p><p>So James knelt down, picked up the book, and wrapped it in his scarf. Then, tucking the dripping package under his arm, he took off towards the forest.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“What the hell happened to you?” demanded Sirius as James approached, his trainers squelching with every step.</p><p>Sirius, Remus, and Peter were spread out comfortably on the forest floor. Remus had whipped up a small, levitating fire, and they were all happily warming their hands around it. Gratefully, James moved closer to the flame. Its warmth engulfed him like a hot cup of tea.</p><p>“You’re all wet,” said Peter.</p><p>James sighed and ran a hand through his drenched hair, flicking water off his fingers. “Brilliantly observed, Pete. Any progress here?”</p><p>“No,” said Peter gloomily. “Still one hundred percent human. Why are you all wet? Did you transform into a fish?”</p><p>“What? No. Of course I didn’t transform into a fish. That would be bloody useless. I — well, I ran into Evans, if you must know.”</p><p>A grin flitted across Sirius’s face. “Evans pushed you in the lake, did she?”</p><p>“No, she did not push me in the lake. I went in after her.”</p><p>“You pushed <em>her</em> in the lake?” said Remus, looking horrified.</p><p>“No one pushed anyone in the lake!” said James. “She fell.”</p><p>Remus raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“Oh, all right, it was sort of my fault, but it wasn’t on purpose!”</p><p>Sirius and Peter howled with laughter.</p><p>“So, you didn’t push her in the lake, but she fell, and it was your fault?” said Remus.</p><p>“<em>Sort of</em> my fault,” corrected James. “It was her fault too. Look, she slipped, all right? And I was being a perfect gentleman and trying to give her a hand out, but she wouldn’t let me, and then the grindylows showed up.”</p><p>
  <em>“What?”</em>
</p><p>James tried not to grin. This was the part of the story that made him look rather good. “Grindylows. You remember, water demons.”</p><p>“I know what they <em>are</em>, James. What do you mean they ‘showed up?’”</p><p>“I mean, one minute she was there, swimming towards me, and then the next — poof! — no more Evans. What was I supposed to do, let her drown? So I dove in.”</p><p>It was, he realized, a fairly impressive story, and as he regaled them with the tale, his friends provided a decent audience, gasping at all the necessary moments and that sort of thing. By the end of it, he was feeling much better about the whole encounter. He was a bloody hero, he was. Of course, he made no mention of his newly-uncovered feelings for a certain prefect. The mockery would be obscene.</p><p>He concluded his story with a slightly undignified shiver. “All right, I’m freezing. Time to go in?”</p><p>“Oh,” said Remus, as though he had just noticed James was wet. “Come here. <em>Excaresco</em>,” he murmured, siphoning the water off James’s robes with his wand until they were dry.</p><p>“Thanks, Remus,” said James appreciatively, and he made a mental note to remember that spell.</p><p>“You could’ve <em>died</em>,” said Peter, gaping at James with an awestruck expression.</p><p>“I wouldn’t have died,” said James dismissively. “I had my wand. Evans didn’t when she fell in, though. She nearly drowned.” As he said this, he realized for the first time how true it was. He felt pang of worry — was she okay?</p><p>“She’s all right, though?” asked Remus, echoing James’s own thoughts.</p><p>“She was still breathing when she left.”</p><p>“Where is she now?”</p><p>“Dunno,” shrugged James, trying to appear nonchalant. “She took off. She wasn’t very happy with me for saving her life, as it turns out.”</p><p>Sirius snorted, shaking his head. “Women.”</p><p>“Yeah,” said James. “Women.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Maybe it <em>was</em> his brain playing tricks on him. After all, saving a girl’s life was a very intense experience. Perhaps it was completely psychologically sound to accidentally fabricate feelings of affection or attraction or heart-wrenching, soul-crushing, humiliating adoration towards said girl as a result. Add in a poorly-timed sex dream and it was perfectly fathomable that he would fool himself into thinking he fancied Lily Evans.</p><p>But he did not.</p><p>Nope.</p><p>No sir.</p><p>He absolutely, most definitely did <em>not</em> fancy Lily Evans.</p><p>Of this James managed to convince himself for the rest of the afternoon and all through dinner, and in fact he was feeling quite relieved to have overcome this brief and temporary bout of foolishness…until he climbed through the portrait hole and caught sight of Lily across the room and his stomach did that thing it had only ever done before on a broomstick.</p><p>What was going <em>on</em>?</p><p>She was sitting on the floor next to that little radio she carried everywhere, knees hugged to her chest. Mary Macdonald was perched on the sofa behind her and was deeply involved in braiding her friend’s hair. James had seen girls do this before. He supposed the complicated knotting of another girl’s hair was some sort of mystical female bonding ceremony. It did look awfully pretty though, all woven and catching the fire’s light…if you were someone who had an opinion on Lily Evans’ hair, which he most certainly was not.</p><p>Lily, seeming to feel his gaze, glanced over her shoulder. She caught his eye and looked quickly away, blushing fiercely. He felt the familiar tingle of enjoyment he always got at making her blush, but this time it was corrupted with some new, stronger, miserably confusing emotion.</p><p>“Hell,” he said weakly, and he sank into the sofa like an abyss, hoping it might swallow him up.</p><p>His friends settled down around him, and they all dove into their schoolwork, complaining loudly as they did so. Professor Dearborn had assigned a particularly trying assignment, but James couldn’t make himself focus…his eyes kept flitting towards the red-head by the fire, who was now buried in a book of her own.</p><p>He decided to explore a different tack. So he fancied Lily Evans. What was so wrong with that? Why shouldn’t he fancy her? She was funny. She was clever. She was pretty. Really pretty. Hell, once you got past the years of swotty, nose-in-the-air, goody-two-shoes history, she was <em>hot</em>. All right, so she was best friends with Snivellus. That was more difficult to parse. But really, all that meant was that she was…charitable. To a fault, obviously, but everyone had faults, and being too nice was pretty low on the spectrum.</p><p>There was also the rather appealing fact that, once upon a time, <em>she</em> had fancied <em>him</em>. At least, that’s what everyone else said. Lily steadfastly denied this, but that was probably because Sirius had mocked her for it so much. Sirius had mocked James for it too, as he recalled, and in response James had spent the better part of the last few years endlessly teasing her to make sure everyone (meaning Sirius) knew that he didn’t fancy her back…Oh.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>But then again…so what? That’s what twelve-year-old boys do, after all. But he wasn’t a boy anymore. He was fifteen — nearly sixteen — and it was about time he had a girlfriend. Why <em>not</em> Lily Evans?</p><p>“Are you all right, James? You’re being very quiet.”</p><p>“What?” James turned to see Remus watching him from behind <em>A Compendium of Defensive Magic</em>. “I’m not being quiet. I’m being perfectly normal. This is the precise level of noise normal James normally makes.”</p><p>“Right,” said Remus dryly. “That’s me convinced. Everything is normal.”</p><p>“Uh huh.” James was momentarily distracted again as Lily rose from the sofa. She turned and said something to Mary, then took off towards the dormitory, the little radio cradled in her arms. He realized with some embarrassment that his friends were still watching him.</p><p>“I’m just tired,” he said, faking a yawn. “Long day. I think I’ll turn in early, actually. I’ll finish this tomorrow.” He stuffed his untouched essay into his bag and climbed the stairs to his dormitory.</p><p>It wasn’t until he was safe in the privacy of his four-poster bed that James remembered he still had Lily’s book, wrapped in the scarf and currently shoved unceremoniously into the bottom of his bag. He pulled it out, wrinkling his nose in disgust as he freed <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em> from its scarfy prison. It was still sopping and smelled of lake water.</p><p>“<em>Excaresco!</em>” he said, pointing his wand at the book. It worked quite well, as a matter of fact, and soon the book was dry and nearly good as new. He’d have to remember to thank Remus.</p><p>Pleased with his handiwork, James examined the book curiously. He couldn’t imagine anyone being so engrossed in an old Potions textbook, even Lily Evans. But then he remembered the scribbles in the margins; he flipped the book open at random and began to read…not the text, but the cramped notes that filled the rest of the page. They seemed to be mostly corrections to the original contents, of which the notetaker was generally dismissive. However, in a few places, little spells were scribbled here and there, tucked beside an illustration of some spluttering cauldron, hidden under the dog-ear of a worn page. He’d never seen any of these spells before, and judging by the way they were crossed out and modified and reworked again and again, he suspected very few others had, either.</p><p>He suddenly remembered how angry Lily had been when he’d grabbed the book, her furious assertion that it ‘wasn’t hers.’ The answer came to him so suddenly he felt stupid for not thinking of it before. Who else was Lily Evans friends with who would lend her a N.E.W.T.-level Potions book?</p><p>This copy of <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em>, he was reasonably certain, belonged to none other than Severus Snape.</p><p>Once again, he had the urge to punish the book for its unfortunate associations, and it was only through the exertion of great self-control that he did not set blaze to the damn thing right there.</p><p>But no…he couldn’t do that. This was a gift. He had to use it wisely.</p><p>James pulled out a scrap of parchment and a quill and set to work copying down every spell he saw scribbled in the margins. So Snivellus liked to twiddle with spellcraft, did he? Knowing him, it was probably Dark Magic. Well, old Sniv wasn’t the only one who studied Arithmancy. James would take them all apart, piece by piece. He’d figure out what each little spell did, and if they were Dark Magic, there’d be hell to pay…</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Yeah, you can PISS OFF, and you can tell the whole lot of them to suck my—”</p><p>“Er — mate?” James pulled open the hangings that had previously enclosed his four-poster bed. Sunlight dazzled through the open curtains, and James had to momentarily readjust his glasses in the glare. Blinking through the morning light, he saw Sirius, standing by the open window, mid-spit. “Who are you yelling at?”</p><p>“My darling mummy,” he snarled, glaring through the open panes.</p><p>“She flew out the window?”</p><p>“By owl proxy, yeah.”</p><p>“Ah.” That explained it. Sirius’s parents never wrote him for nice reasons. He wondered what was in the letter, but before he could make any inquiries of his friend, Sirius began to tear the parchment to bits, his face contorted in fury, cursing with every rip.</p><p>“Sodding — stupid — spiteful — bitch.”</p><p>When he could shred it no more, he turned back to the open window and flung the scraps to the wind.</p><p>“Want to talk about it?” offered James.</p><p>“No,” said Sirius flatly. He slammed the panes shut with a shuddering crash, transformed into his dog Animagus, and flounced onto his bed, curling into a ball of black fur and foul-temper.</p><p>James sighed, and the sigh turned into a yawn. He glanced around the dormitory. Peter was watching quietly from his own bed; he made a small sympathetic grimace as James caught his eye. Remus was still asleep. That boy could sleep through anything.</p><p>James had been awake, of course. He was, as Remus once put it, “offensively awake” in the mornings. But rather than going for a jog around the lake or down to the pitch for a quick practice as he often did, James had stayed in bed this morning, carefully combing over Snape’s book, finishing up collecting every little spell.</p><p>Now, having gleaned from it every secret he thought he could, James stuffed the book into his bag and lounged back on his bed, arms tucked behind his head, thinking. He’d give it back to Lily in class, and no doubt she’d be thrilled to find it undamaged, thrilled that he’d thought to collect it for her. Fantasies of her delighted gratitude flitted happily through his mind, but he hastily pushed them aside as someone rapped on the door.</p><p>Peter, who’d been on his way to the toilet, opened it.</p><p>“Where’s Potter?” a female voice demanded.</p><p>“Er—”</p><p>Lily Evans appeared, pushing Peter aside as she stormed into the dormitory. She did not look thrilled at all.</p><p>“Evans!” said James, sitting up with a jolt of surprise. His hand leapt to his bedhead and mussed it unnecessarily. “What are you doing here?”</p><p>Lily, however, was staring incredulously at the dog on Sirius’s bed. “Why do you have a giant dog in your dormitory?”</p><p>Sirius growled.</p><p>“Oh,” said James, as though this were a throwaway concern. “He’s having a rough morning.”</p><p>“What? Oh, I don’t even care—”</p><p>“You’re not supposed to be in here!” squeaked Peter, looking extremely embarrassed in his Pride of Portree pajamas.</p><p>“Yeah, I don’t care about that, either.” She turned to James. “Can I have a word?”</p><p>“Just one?” said James.</p><p>
  <em>“Privately?”</em>
</p><p>“That’s not a very good word, if you only get one. Bit dull.”</p><p>“Potter!”</p><p>James grinned. He couldn’t help it. It was too much fun winding her up. He was also keenly aware that Sirius, dog or not, was listening. He wasn’t about to act like a prat in love. “Anything you have to say to me you can say in front of the dog.”</p><p>“Fine,” said Lily. “Where is it?”</p><p>“Where’s what?”</p><p>“The book!”</p><p>“What book?”</p><p>“You know bloody well what book.”</p><p>“There are a lot of books in the world, Evans. You’ll have to be a bit more specific. What did it smell like?” Why was he incapable of talking to her without going out of his way to piss her off? Why was it so much <em>fun</em>?</p><p>“The book,” said Lily in a dangerously calm voice that seemed to escalate with each word, “that you stole from me yesterday and then promptly ruined when you shoved me in the lake!”</p><p>“I didn’t shove you in the lake, you slipped!” said James indignantly.</p><p>“Because you shoved me!”</p><p>“I did no such thing!”</p><p>“Who’s shouting?” came a sleepy voice from behind closed hangings. Remus’s messy head emerged at last, looking bleary and pale.</p><p>“Now look what you’ve done,” James admonished her. “You’ve woken poor Remus.”</p><p>“Sorry, Remus, but your friend is being an arse. Just give me the damn book, Potter. I know you have it.”</p><p>So much for delighted gratitude.</p><p>“All right, all right. Don’t get your panties in a twist.” He rummaged in his bag, pulled out the once-sodden copy of <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em>, and tossed it to her. She caught it and looked it over, unable to keep the surprise out of her eyes at its renewed condition.</p><p>James grinned. “Pretty good, eh? <em>Excaresco</em>. Handy little spell.”</p><p>She recovered quickly. “Did you do anything else to it? If you hexed it, or—”</p><p>“Why would I hex your ratty old textbook?”</p><p>“I’ve been in an absolute panic about this all night. Woke up first thing this morning and ran down to the lake to collect it, and you’ve had it in your dormitory the whole time! For what, a souvenir?”</p><p>“I was going to give it back to you today. In case it’s escaped your notice, it’s not even breakfast yet.”</p><p>“Why didn’t you give it to me last night?”</p><p>“Because I forgot.”</p><p>Lily glared at him as though trying to figure out his angle. Evidently she found this streak of altruism suspect. He responded to her glare with an innocent smile. Then, because he couldn’t quite help himself, he cocked his head in mock confusion and said, “What’s that? Why yes, it <em>was</em> incredibly kind of me to collect your silly little book and fix it up. No, no…no need to thank me at all. Just glad I could be of service.”</p><p>“Oh, piss off,” she said, and she turned on her heel and marched out the door. He watched her go, a strange twisty feeling gnawing at his gut.</p><p>
  
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oh, James. Your agony and idiocy brings me such delight.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Troubled Waters</h2></a>
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<h1>LILY</h1><hr/><h2>Troubled Waters</h2><p>She hated him. She loathed him. She had never in her entire life despised another boy as ardently as she despised James Potter. Despite numerous efforts to distract herself, Lily could not stop replaying the humiliating incident by the lake over and over and over in her head, an endless movie reel on repeat. Why did it have to be James Potter? If she had to humiliate herself in front of anyone in school, why was it <em>always</em> James Potter? </p><p>She spent the entirety of her morning Divination class ruminating on just this question…and not paying the slightest bit of attention to her coursework. This was generally all right because they were doing crystal balls today, and all this required of her was to stare vaguely into the foggy orb and look perplexed. </p><p>Why could she never come up with the right thing to say back to him, whenever Potter was tormenting her? Filed away in her mind was an excruciating archive of a thousand sharp retorts and clever comebacks that she always thought of just a little too late. If given the proper time to craft her response, oh, she could <em>eviscerate</em> him. One day…one day she’d tell him exactly what she thought of him, and it would feel so good.</p><p>“Now…” croaked the wispy voice of their ancient Divination teacher, Professor Pomme. “Gaze deeply into the crystal ball, my dears…lose yourself in its murky depths…open yourself to possibility…”</p><p>Lily glared into the crystal ball. She was unsure how she felt about Divination as a subject. Her classmates seemed to think it had some merit. Wenyi and Alodie in particular had gone through a phase last year of consulting tarot cards every morning. Lily, however, had never once seen anything other than thick fog in her crystal ball, or sludge in her tea leaves, or wrinkles in her palms. All the tarot cards ever told her was that she was bad at shuffling a deck. Still, she could understand the allure of the subject…the desire to know what would happen next…</p><p>Every moment since that humiliating incident at the lake, Lily had waited on tenterhooks for James to spread it all over school. She knew he would; it was too good a story to pass up. She’d gone to breakfast expecting to be met with hoots and catcalls over toast, but so far no one had said a word to her about it, not even Sirius Black, who under normal circumstances would already have composed a ballad in her honor. Perhaps James had asked him to keep his mouth shut, but why would he do such a thing?</p><p>What was he up to?</p><p>The waiting was almost worse.</p><p>It had not escaped her notice that James Potter had quite possibly saved her life. This uncomfortable notion was easier to dismiss on dry land, where the idea of drowning seemed little more than a fantastical abstraction. She quite liked her little lie that she hadn’t needed any help, that she would’ve been perfectly fine on her own — and indeed, she had woven that fiction into her own retelling of the event to Mary. It made it all a bit more bearable.</p><p>But the reality of it was harder to ignore. She need only close her eyes for a moment to find herself sinking once again in the darkening gloom of the lake, to feel the bony grip of grindylows tugging at her robes, grasping her ankles, dragging her down. She could still taste the lake water that had choked her, feel the pressure in her lungs, that strange, burning magic that hadn’t been enough to save her…</p><p>And James. She could still see him, too. His arm wrapped firmly around her waist as he pulled her up towards the sunlight, his figure rising from the lake like some hero from ancient mythology…</p><p>“Oooh, Lily,” Wenyi’s voice interrupted these treacherous thoughts. Her classmate leaned over with earnest interest and peered into Lily’s crystal ball. “Yours looks like water.”</p><p>“What?” snapped Lily, rather more sharply than she’d meant to. “No it doesn’t. It just looks like fog.”</p><p>“See how it’s all swirly?”</p><p>“So, what?” Her voice dripped with defensive sarcasm. “Does that mean I’m going to meet a dark, handsome merman or something?”</p><p>“No,” said Wenyi. “It means you’re confronting a powerful uncertainty. Didn’t you do the reading?”</p><p>“I must have skipped that part.”</p><p>Mercifully, the bell rang, and Lily as good as bolted from her seat. As she scurried off, she heard Wenyi say, “What’s wrong with her?”</p><p>“Personally, I’ve stopped asking,” said Alodie.</p><p>Lily was several paces down the hall when Mary caught up to her.</p><p>“Bit jumpy, aren’t you?” said Mary.</p><p>Lily sighed and hugged her arms to her chest. “I know. I just hate this so much — waiting for Potter to air my humiliation all over school and not knowing when it’s going to happen.”</p><p>“I think you’re making this a bigger deal than it actually is,” said Mary, ever the voice of reason. “You fell in the lake. So what? A few people might laugh, but it’s hardly social annihilation.”</p><p>This was true, but Lily didn’t know how to explain that falling in the lake wasn’t the humiliating part. It was being saved by James Potter that was tormenting her. </p><p>“And besides,” continued Mary, “he might not say anything at all. He hasn’t yet.”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s because he’s enjoying holding it over me.”</p><p>“Or maybe he’s just being decent about it? He did give you your book back after all.”</p><p>“And that’s another thing!” Lily heaved <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em> from her bag and flipped through the perfectly dry pages as she walked. “I can’t figure out what he’s done to it. I’ve tried all the jinx-reversal spells I can think of, and — nothing!”</p><p>Mary regarded her skeptically. “Okay. Wild idea, but hear me out: Do you think maybe you’re so determined to make Potter the villain that what you’re actually upset about is that he’s not acting like one?”</p><p>Lily scoffed. “That doesn’t make any sense.”</p><p>“Funny,” said Mary dryly. “That was my line.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>By the afternoon, however, Lily thought she’d have to at least consider the idea that Mary was right. No gales of laughter met her as she entered the Great Hall for lunch, no snickers followed her through the halls. It seemed as though James really had kept the embarrassing incident to himself, which was surprisingly decent of him.</p><p>Too decent. She didn’t trust it.</p><p>Divination might have been a toss up, but Lily knew for certain that she did <em>not</em> like Ancient Runes. It was quite possibly the most boring class she had to suffer through, if you didn’t count History of Magic. (And most people <em>didn’t</em> count History of Magic, viewing it more as an officially-sanctioned siesta than a class.) </p><p>Lily had only signed up for Ancient Runes because Severus had convinced her to. It was the one class they shared, apart from Potions, which hardly counted anymore since they no longer sat together. Ancient Runes, on the other hand, was a healthy mix of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, all of whom were generally disinterested in the controversial friendship between rival houses. Severus was the only Slytherin in the class, and Remus Lupin the only other Gryffindor, and he mostly kept to himself in the back row.</p><p>When Lily arrived to Ancient Runes, Severus was already there, sitting alone at a desk by the window, scowling out at the grounds. He looked miserable — but then, maybe she was projecting. Sometimes it was difficult to distinguish if he was actually unhappy or if that was just his face. All the same, she felt a wave of guilt remembering how she’d blown up at him in the library…and then accidentally stolen his book to boot.</p><p>“So,” she said, taking the seat next to his, “I just came from Divination, and the jury’s still out on whether or not my inner eye needs corrective lenses, but I did have a minor premonition that you were missing <em>this</em>.”</p><p>She set <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em> down on the desk before him where it landed with an accusatory thump. Severus straightened up and snatched the book.</p><p>“I’ve been looking everywhere for this! I thought I’d lost it!”</p><p>“So my inner eye isn’t entirely blind? Take that, Professor Pomme.”</p><p>“Where did you find it?”</p><p>“Er…in the library,” said Lily, tucking her hair behind her ears with an apologetic smile. “I accidentally picked it up with the rest of my books when I took off yesterday. You know, when I was being all huffy and awful?”</p><p>“Huffy and awful?” said Severus, raising an eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound like you.”</p><p>“Yeah, well, we all have our moments, I guess. I’ve just been a bit on edge lately, with everything in the news, and when I saw that genealogy book I just…snapped. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” said Severus.</p><p>She smiled, and he smiled back.</p><p>“You’ve been working on spellcraft again?” she prompted after a moment.</p><p>“You read it?”</p><p>“I just flipped through a few pages. It was a Potions book, how could you expect me to resist?”</p><p>He smiled slightly at this and seemed about to elaborate on his spells, but then his attention was sharply derailed. He sat up, suddenly focused. Lily followed his gaze to see a sleepy-looking Remus Lupin slouching his way towards his usual seat in the back.</p><p>Severus’s eyes tracked him all the way.</p><p>“How are things with Lupin?” he asked in a low voice.</p><p>“What do you mean?” said Lily, taken aback by this strange segue.</p><p>“He’s a prefect, right? You must see a lot of each other.”</p><p>“Oh…yeah, a bit. I mean, it’s going fine. Better than I expected, to be honest. He’s quite nice.”</p><p>“I bet he misses a lot of meetings though. Never bothers to show up for prefect duties?”</p><p>Lily frowned. This was true, but she didn’t see what it had to do with anything, nor why it was any of Severus’s concern. There was a strange look in his eye that made Lily a tad uncomfortable.</p><p>“What do you care?”</p><p>Severus shrugged. “Just curious.”</p><p>“I like Remus,” said Lily firmly. “He’s not like his friends.”</p><p>“But don’t you think there’s something…peculiar about him?”</p><p>She did, as a matter of fact, but she wasn’t about to say so. Instead, she said, “Everyone’s peculiar in their own way.”</p><p>Before Severus could respond with anything more than a small scoff, Professor Babbling arrived, and another exceedingly dull lecture began.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>By the end of the week, Lily had to concede that perhaps — just perhaps — she’d been the teeniest bit hasty in her condemnation of Potter, and as much as it pained her to admit it, her reaction had possibly — just possibly — been an overreaction. He had not spread the story around school, he had not hexed <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em> as far as she could tell, and as a matter of fact, it almost seemed like he was avoiding her. She supposed she had been rather rude to him when she’d stormed into his dormitory that morning…especially since he <em>had</em> saved her life and all…</p><p>Should she apologize?</p><p>No. If he’d decided to do one decent thing in the entire five years she’d known him, then…well, then it was bloody well time, wasn’t it? She wasn’t about to give him a gold star and a pat on the head for being a decent human being for once in his life. And — and her life wouldn’t have needed saving anyway if he hadn’t shoved her in the lake to begin with!</p><p>There. Anger was a much more comfortable emotion. </p><p>At breakfast on Friday morning, Lily received a much needed distraction in the form of an invitation from Professor Slughorn for the following evening.</p><p>“I thought you didn’t want to go to the Slug Club again,” said Mary, as Lily beamed at the invitation. </p><p>“Well, you know…the food’s rather good. And some of the students are quite…nice.”</p><p>Mary gave her a skeptical look. “Avery and Mulciber?”</p><p>“There are students from other houses as well.”</p><p>As if to illustrate this point, a new voice said: “So, you got yours too?” </p><p>Both Lily and Mary turned to see Anson Nott standing behind them, looking every bit as gorgeous as Lily recalled. Mary’s eyes widened ever-so-slightly. It was not every day that a tall, handsome seventh year interrupted their breakfast.</p><p>“Hi,” said Lily breathlessly. “Yeah, just got it now.” She gave the invitation a happy little wave.</p><p>Anson grinned. “Great. I’ll see you tomorrow night, then?”</p><p>“Definitely,” said Lily.</p><p>“Try to make it before pudding this time. I’ll save you a seat.” And with a wink, Anson took off, leaving Lily a sighing puddle of goo.</p><p>“Aha,” said Mary, buttering another slice of toast with a knowing nod. “Now I understand.”</p><p>“Oh, hush.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Lily made it a point to arrive at Slughorn’s office promptly this time, determined not to get trapped at the end of the table with Avery and Mulciber again. However, when she entered the office, the large table that usually dominated the room was missing entirely. Instead, the space had been set up as though for cocktail hour. Silver trays laden with drinks and hors d'oeuvres floated obligingly around the guests, of which there were many.</p><p>Indeed, the office was far more crowded than Lily had ever seen it, and after a moment of politely elbowing her way through a forest of vibrantly-colored robes and glimmering jewelry, she realized that most of the guests were unfamiliar adults — no doubt Slug Club favorites of years past. She scanned the room for Anson and tried not to look too eager, but she did not like being alone in this crowd. She felt out of sorts, conspicuous. She pressed on deeper into the party, collecting snatches of conversation along with the occasional canapé. </p><p>“Well, of course, he’s a fair horseman, but a dreadful negotiator. I wouldn’t count on finishing that deal for weeks...”</p><p>“Oh, Cuthbert, aren’t you a sight! Periwinkle is absolutely ravishing on you…”</p><p>“I keep <em>saying</em> it makes no sense to split the Beast and Being divisions, but no one ever listens. Meanwhile, we’re stuck divvying up funds between the goblins and the ghouls...”</p><p>Lily was beginning to despair ever finding Anson at all, when the sight of a velvet-upholstered belly pulled her attention to more immediate concerns. Professor Slughorn was jostling through the crowd in her direction, Corin Mulciber by his side. Lily quickly ducked behind a large, leafy houseplant, hoping he hadn’t seen her.</p><p>Mercifully, she was not his intended target. Slughorn instead steered Mulciber to the rather imposing shadow of some man whose face Lily could not see from her foliage-obscured vantage point.</p><p>“Ah, Barty, there you are! I wanted to introduce you to a student of mine, Corin Mulciber. Clever lad, and very interested in your line work. Corin, this is Barty Crouch, you know all about him, of course, and his son, Barty Jr. is joining us tonight too — what a delight!”</p><p>Lily was in the midst of determining the best escape route when a voice called her name. She looked up to see Florence Fawley headed towards her, beaming. “I thought I saw you lurking behind the aspidistra.”</p><p>“I was trying to avoid Professor Slughorn and Mulciber,” said Lily rather sheepishly.</p><p>“Good instinct. We’re over here, come on.” She grasped Lily’s hand like an old friend and began to lead her through the crowd, pausing only to select two coupes of champagne from a nearby tray, one of which she handed to Lily.</p><p>Lily hesitated, feeling a touch awkward. “Am I allowed? I mean, I’m technically underage, and this <em>is</em> a school function.”</p><p>“I won’t tell if you won’t,” said Florence with a wink.</p><p>So Lily sipped the champagne. “I didn’t realize it was a whole party tonight.”</p><p>“Oh, none of us did, but Sluggy does this sometimes. He enjoys hosting these little networking events. He tries to invite guests that’ll be good connections for future jobs and such, but it’s all politicians tonight and none of us are very interested, so we’re hiding out by the baby grand like a bunch truants.”</p><p>The ‘we’ Florence referred to, Lily soon discovered, was a small gathering of mostly Ravenclaws who had indeed set up camp around the piano. They were a very handsome group, she noticed. Not a shabby trouser or scuffed shoe among them. </p><p>One boy, who Lily recognized from the previous dinner as Phineas Phillips, appeared to be holding court with the others from his perch on the piano’s bench. A girl with a short, black bob was seated atop the piano’s lid laughing delightedly at whatever he was saying. And there, behind them, a drink in his hand and a grin on his face, was Anson Nott. He looked up as Florence and Lily approached, and his smile brightened. Lily felt a flutter in her chest. </p><p>“Look who I found,” said Florence happily. “Lily, do you know everyone? That’s Phineas at the piano, Caoimhe, Henrietta, and I <em>know</em> you know Anson, because he was just telling us all about your Boggart.”</p><p>“Oh god, yeah,” said Lily with a light laugh. “That was…an interesting evening.” </p><p>“So it actually happened?” said Phineas. “And here I was accusing Anson of lying about a pretty girl to get out of Quidditch practice.”</p><p>Lily, who was trying not to smile too broadly at the thought of Anson referring to her as pretty, said to Phineas, “You’re on the Ravenclaw team too?”</p><p>“<em>Captain</em> of the Ravenclaw team, thank you very much. Taught Anson here everything he knows.”</p><p>“I’d cop to it, if I thought you could bear the weight of your own ego,” replied Anson. Then he turned to Lily. “Has Slughorn made you do the rounds yet?”</p><p>“I’ve avoided it so far.”</p><p>“Lucky you,” said Henrietta. “I’ve only just got away. I swear, if I have to listen to one more lecture on the fungibility of goblin silver…”</p><p>They all laughed, and so Lily laughed too, and she didn’t even think they noticed that she’d laughed a few seconds too late.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The evening passed quickly and delightfully in the company of her new friends — and under the wing of Florence’s warm welcome, they truly felt like that. Friends. They spent the evening lurking in corners, sipping too much champagne and giggling as they avoided the politicians. Phineas and Henrietta delighted in giving her the rundown on all the Slug Club’s gossip, while Florence occasionally interjected comments like, “Oh, do be nicer, Phin, darling,” and, “It’s really not your business whether she jinxed her nose or not, Henry.”</p><p>Anson had stayed by her side all night long. It felt like a daydream of someone else’s life. </p><p>The Ravenclaws, Lily noticed, were quick to distinguish themselves from the Slytherin attendees. They were invited for their brains, not their blood — though no one denied that Slughorn put great stock in ancestry.</p><p>“Take Sirius Black,” said Phineas as they left the party several hours later. “Nothing against the chap of course, but it’s obvious why Slughorn wants him. A fresh bud on a very old tree, and all that. And that pal of his, Potter — he’ll be invited next year, mark my words.”</p><p>“Why’s that?” asked Lily, unreasonably annoyed by the prospect.</p><p>“He’s bloody rich, isn’t he? It’s not the only thing Sluggy cares about, of course, but it does help pay the price of admission.”</p><p>Florence made a disgruntled sound of protest. “Oh, Phin, stop. You make us all sound like such unbearable snobs.”</p><p>“Well, if the shoe fits,” said Phineas with a grin. “But I can get away with it, you see,” he added conspiratorially to Lily. “I haven’t got the family business to fall back on — <em>or</em> daddy’s name. All I’ve got is raw talent and an attitude. Stick with me, Lily. We’re kindred spirits.”</p><p>Lily laughed. The coupe of champagne Florence had handed her at the beginning of the party had not been her last, and she was feeling warm and affectionate towards everyone, even the outlandish Phineas Phillips, who she might otherwise have found a touch abrasive. It was just the four of them now, Phineas, Florence, Anson, and herself; the other girls had gone off on their own earlier. The foursome strolled carelessly through the dusky halls towards their common rooms, unconcerned by curfew or the waft of alcohol on their breath, full of that casual confidence that Lily had only ever tried on. </p><p>“Ignore him,” said Florence, rolling her eyes. “Phin likes to be provocative. It’s true that some invitees are selected more for…<em>pedigree</em> than performance, but that’s hardly indicative of the whole. Look at our darling Anson, here. He just had his <em>third</em> paper published in<em> Charms Today</em>! That’s got nothing to do with blood.”</p><p>“Stop it, Flor, you’ll make me blush,” smiled Anson.</p><p>“Yes,” drawled Phineas. “I suppose daddy’s name didn’t do darling Anson much good anyway, did it?”</p><p>“That’s <em>enough</em>, Phin,” said Florence, suddenly sharp. Then her gentle manner returned, and she said, “You’re being quite unpleasant tonight, darling. No more champagne for you. Anyway, this is where we get off. Ravenclaw Tower is this way. Are you coming, Anson?”</p><p>“Actually, I thought I might walk Lily back to her dorm,” said Anson. “If that’s all right, of course,” he added to Lily, who was utterly delighted by the prospect, but played it cool.</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>“Perfect,” said Florence. “Then I shall have Phin all to myself to chastise him for his beastly behavior.” She wove her arm through Phineas’s in a graceful swoop and began to lead him away.</p><p>“You’re a proper cunt, Nott,” called Phineas cheerfully over his shoulder.</p><p><em>“Phin!”</em> cried Florence.</p><p>And then they were gone.</p><p>Lily shuffled her feet for a moment, suddenly shy, but Anson just smiled. “Which way? I’ve never been to Gryffindor Tower, believe it or not.”</p><p>“Oh, right.” They took a left turn and began to climb one of the narrow stairwells that led up towards Gryffindor Tower. She wasn’t sure if it was the torchlight or the champagne, but she thought he looked lovelier than he ever had before — which was quite an achievement.</p><p>“What did Phin mean?” Lily asked after a moment. “About your dad?” Normally, she would never have asked such a prying question, but the champagne had softened her inhibitions, and her curiosity overwhelmed her restraint.</p><p>“Ah,” said Anson. “Nothing, really. Phin just likes to remind me that I only got invited because of my surname — which is probably true. My uncle was an old favorite of Slughorn’s back in his day, you see — but Sluggy was rather disappointed to learn that my uncle and I don’t speak.”</p><p>“No?”</p><p>“No. He actually — well, he refuses to acknowledge my existence.”</p><p>“What? Why?”</p><p>Anson shrugged. “Well, he didn’t approve of my mother, to tell you the truth. She’s — ah — she’s Muggle-born. My dad’s family was…pretty old-fashioned, and they refused to recognize the marriage, so as far as they’re concerned, I’m my father’s half-blood bastard.”</p><p>“God,” breathed Lily. “How cruel.”</p><p>But Anson didn’t seem troubled by it. “No real loss to me. And Phin didn’t mean any harm, by the way. He’s just got a bit of a chip on his shoulder of his own. Flor’s always very concerned for my feelings about the matter, but I’m not bothered. I’d much rather earn things on my own merit.”</p><p>Lily beamed. “I think that’s very commendable."</p><p>They had nearly reached the top of the stairwell. The entrance to the Gryffindor common room was — sadly — just down the next corridor. She tottered slightly in her heels as she climbed the last few steps, and Anson put his hand on her waist to steady her. “Careful.”</p><p>“Thanks,” Lily half-giggled. “I guess Phin wasn’t the only one who had too much champagne. I better get it together though — can’t let the first years see their prefect tipsy.”</p><p>He still had his hand on her waist, and in this cramped little stairwell, he was very close…so close, in fact, that she could smell his cologne, the soft whisper of vetiver and patchouli. “I won’t tell,” he said, and he pulled her closer still…and then — she couldn’t have told you how it happened, but he was kissing her — or she was kissing him — his lips soft, his breath sweet with champagne. He smiled his sunburst smile, stroked her cheek and kissed her again, and Lily found herself wondering why she had ever been worried about breaking out of her bubble, because outside her bubble the world was perfect and pretty, and out here, people were good-intentioned and kind-hearted, and out here, Anson Nott was kissing her in the stairwell to Gryffindor Tower.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>One last Lily chapter for a little while and then we're on to other characters, promise... ;)</p><p>I had a lot of fun procrastinating editing this chapter by making a trailer for this fic. You can watch it <a href="https://chdarling-tle.tumblr.com/post/627274706180030464/i-was-working-on-a-chapter-that-didnt-want-to-be">here</a>, if you too would like to procrastinate whatever it is you should be doing. :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. A Forest Foray</h2></a>
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<h1>REMUS</h1>
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<h2>A Forest Foray</h2><p>The forest floor was blanketed with a thick carpet of leaves that crunched underfoot. The pale November sky was just visible through the tangle of branches overhead, though grey clouds blotted out the last gasps of sunlight. There was a touch of rain in the air: A storm was brewing.</p><p>Remus, James, and Peter were all lounging comfortably on the ground in their usual way, a few paces deep into the Forbidden Forest where they could loiter without being spotted. Hagrid had found them a few times over the years and told them off appropriately, but he never had the heart to punish them, so they kept coming back. And now that they had a real reason, the forest forays had only increased in frequency.</p><p>Ever since the reveal of their big secret, Remus had been invited along on these outings, which mostly consisted of Sirius chasing squirrels up trees while James and Peter pretended to meditate until they got bored. Presently, James was throwing sticks for Sirius, and Peter was roasting a marshmallow on the levitating fire that Remus had conjured. Remus himself observed the events from underneath a cozy tartan throw he’d brought along for the occasion. Sirius had made fun of him, but it was November, after all. </p><p>“Who knew Sirius would be so good at fetch?” said Peter, watching as the big black dog that was their friend bounded back to them with leaf-fluttering joy.  </p><p>“We’ll have to try it some time when he’s in human form,” said Remus. “See if any animal instincts spill over.”</p><p>James snickered. “If we can train him to sit on command, I will never bored again.”</p><p>“You ought to be careful,” warned Remus. “We don’t know what you are yet. There’s the danger of precedence, you know.”</p><p>James grinned, but then his expression faltered and he let himself fall back onto the ground, arms tucked beneath his head. “It’s so frustrating. I’m good at transfiguration. I did all the legwork leading up to this. So why can’t I transform already?”</p><p>Remus didn’t respond right away. He knew James was feeling put out. It had been nearly two weeks since Sirius shocked them all with his sudden canine metamorphosis, and James had remained stalwartly human. Sirius, for his part, had casually told his friend not to sweat it, which of course hadn’t helped in the slightest. Being extremely good at things came naturally to Sirius, and sometimes he didn’t realize the effect it had on those around him. Remus knew the feeling well. He could study and study and study and just barely match scores with Sirius, who’d woken up in the morning, glanced at his textbook in disdain, and waltzed off to take the exam. It was more than frustrating. It was <em>infuriating</em>.</p><p>James was really good at things too, except that Remus knew he secretly put a lot of work into school. He just wanted everyone to think it was as easy for him as it was for Sirius. It took a lot to unsettle James’s ever-present good cheer, but Remus had noticed the faint tinge of jealousy tarnishing his friend’s mood lately. Remus could of course remind him that becoming an Animagus was an almost unthinkably difficult feat, that it was incredible they’d gotten as far as they had with all their limbs intact, etc, etc…but it wouldn’t make any difference to James. Sirius had done it, and so should he.</p><p>“Maybe we’re trying too hard,” offered Peter, philosophically skewering another marshmallow onto a stick. “Maybe we need to get really drunk again and then try.”</p><p>As James and Peter debated the merits of transfiguring under the influence, Remus watched Sirius caper over to a flock of birds, sending them fluttering skyward to the safety of trees.</p><p>It was still surreal to him what they’d done. He couldn’t quite process it. <em>Animagi</em>. Every time he thought about it, he felt as though his heart had climbed into his throat and was beating its way out. They wanted to come with him during the full moon. They wanted to ‘hang out’ with a werewolf. They didn’t see the animal in him as something dirty, disgraceful, evil…they were becoming animals themselves. For him.</p><p><em>Of course</em>, said the voice in his head, <em>they haven’t met the wolf yet. They only know you…</em></p><p>But he wasn’t going to worry about that now.</p><p>Next to him, James had shut his eyes again and Peter followed suit. Whether they were meditating or merely napping was unclear. Sirius the dog, finally tiring, padded over and sprawled out beside Remus, basking in the halo of warmth from the fire. Remus, who was always exhausted, decided to join them, reclining into the crisp foliage, closing his eyes, and letting an overwhelming wave of admiration and gratitude envelope him like the tartan blanket under which he huddled. His brilliant, wild, <em>mental</em> friends.</p><p>He wasn’t sure if he’d drifted off to sleep or if he’d just let himself be hypnotized by the soft susurration of leaves and forest noises, but eventually, Remus felt a soft splash of something wet hit his forehead. A raindrop? It was awfully nice, lying there nestled under the blanket, the warmth of the fire beside him. With the reluctant air of one waking up from a nice dream, Remus opened his eyes.</p><p>Hovering above him was the massive muzzle of a — a horse or something? Its nose was quivering inches from Remus’s own and two warm eyes blinked intently back at him. It cocked its head to the side, and as it did so great twisting prongs of antlers swung into view. The beast gave a curious snort, a whiffle of air puffing against Remus’s cheek.</p><p>This was a lot of new information for Remus’s sleepy mind to take in so quickly, and his reaction was straightforward, if inelegant.</p><p>“Aaarrrrghhh!” he hollered, scrambling backwards and away in alarm.</p><p>This was perhaps not the best course of action. The great beast, startled by the sudden movement and noise, reared its head back and took off in a frenetic splay of limbs and antlers. </p><p><em>A stag</em>, Remus thought.</p><p>“Whassamatter?” said Peter, sitting up jerkily beside him. Sirius, still in dog form, was on his feet, ears pricked forward, alert and growling.</p><p>The stag was still bounding away…or trying to. It was an enormous thing, all muscles and meat, covered in a buff-brown coat. It looked as though it might be something really impressive, except that presently it was moving as though it had just discovered it had limbs. A full-grown fawn in the woods. Eventually, a misplaced hoof sent its massive weight sprawling to the ground.</p><p>“Where’s James?” said Peter suddenly, looking about.</p><p>Something clicked in Remus’s mind, and he stood up quickly, gazing at the great stag in awe. “James?”</p><p>The stag leapt to its feet at once, wobbling a little and giving Remus a look not at all unlike a cat who’s just fallen off something and wants very much for you to believe it was intentional. Definitely James.</p><p>Remus began to laugh, a bit hysterically.</p><p>“<em>That’s</em> James?” said Peter, gaping. “Are you sure?”</p><p>Sirius the dog went to investigate. He trotted over, tail twitching, and sniffed around the stag’s hoofs, its hocks, its arse. The stag gave a disgruntled little snort, and Sirius the dog barked with glee, taking off and running circles around the gigantic beast.</p><p>James the stag — for Remus was certain it was him — watched this performance a little resentfully, then took a few tottering steps on his slender, spindly legs.  </p><p>“Unbelievable,” Remus breathed. He walked carefully towards the stag, Peter a few paces behind him. The stag tilted his head interestedly and took another step forward. Then they were face to face, and Remus tentatively reached his hand out and placed it on the large muzzle. The stag stood stock still, blinking those large, doleful eyes at him. Up close, Remus noticed faint markings around his eyes, reminiscent of a pair of square specs.</p><p>“He’s enormous,” said Peter.</p><p>“He’s <em>amazing</em>,” said Remus. </p><p>Then, with a small shiver, the stag twisted his head away, and suddenly antlers were shrinking into nothing, the great hulking body diminished, and James stood before them, all muss-haired, gangle-legged and grinning. Remus quickly snatched his hand away.</p><p>“Amazing, eh?” said James with a smug grin.</p><p>“Well,” Remus deflected, “you’re much more impressive when you stand still, just so you know.”</p><p>“You looked like you were running on ice,” snickered Peter.</p><p>“Hey, those legs are hard to get used to, all right?” </p><p>Just then, Sirius came scampering back, still a dog, and, recognizing James in human form, he promptly knocked him to the ground. </p><p>“Get off!” James laughed, struggling to push the massive dog off his chest. “Get <em>off</em>, Sirius.” There followed a confusing tangle of limbs as Sirius transformed back into human form, collapsing onto the thick carpet of leaves with breathless laughter.</p><p>“I can’t believe we didn’t guess you’d be a stag, with those stupid knobs on your head!”</p><p>“I must say, I’m a little disappointed I’m not a rhinoceros,” said James, but he didn’t look disappointed at all. He looked thrilled. “Bloody <em>hell</em>, that was incredible. I want to go again.”</p><p>A great crackle of thunder reverberated across the sky and a handful of heavy droplets landed on Remus’s head. “I think,” he said, glancing skyward and then back at the now hissing fire, “we might want to get inside.”</p><p>“Bugger,” said James. </p>
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<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Going Stag</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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</p><h1>JAMES</h1><hr/><h2>Going Stag</h2><p>The storm sallied on through the night. By morning it had petered out to a steady stream of rain, pattering against windows and purling off eaves. It was a pretty noise, the thrum of raindrops, but James felt restless, lying awake in bed. He had hours until Quidditch practice, and all he could think about was his transformation yesterday.</p><p>After months, <em>years</em> of struggling, he’d finally transformed into a proper Animagus. A shiver coursed down his spine at the memory. It had been an incredible sensation, despite the strangeness of having to compete with the animal instincts all swirling about in his brain. And of course, the new legs.</p><p>Then they’d been rained out, and James felt a bit cheated. He’d only had a few moments to savor his transformation, while Sirius had had weeks of frolicking through the woods as a dog. It wasn’t fair. James wanted another go.</p><p>Making up his mind with the trademark lack of hesitation that served him so well on the Quidditch pitch, James slipped out of bed and pulled on his robes, listening to the faint snuffle of snores echoing from behind closed bed-curtains. His friends were all still asleep. He briefly considered being obnoxious and waking them up for the hell of it, but in a moment of benevolence he tiptoed out of the room.</p><p>He moved through the castle with familiar stealth. Of course, he wasn’t breaking any rules — it was only early morning and he was perfectly within his bounds to be out — but the castle felt eery and quiet, and old habits die hard.</p><p>The lawn, swollen with rain, squelched as James made his way across the grounds, hunched under the hood of his cloak as a swirling gust of wind blew icy pinpricks of rain against his face. The benefit of the weather, however, was that no one was out to see him slip behind a tree and into the Forbidden Forest. Once he was several paces in and certain no one could spot him, he shut his eyes and took a deep breath.</p><p>It came more naturally this time. Yesterday, he had almost hiccuped his way into it. One moment he was a boy, the next a great, ungainly beast. This time, his transformation came as an exhalation of breath: He felt his legs elongate, his torso heft, his spine arch, and a weight towards the top of his head mounted as antlers sprung skyward.</p><p>The stag straightened up. He took a few tentative steps; it was much easier this time. He trotted along, deeper into the forest, finding himself suddenly aware of things he had never noticed: the way the roots of alders and oaks twisted about under his hoofs, the lichen that grew soft green-white against the knobby bark, a brood of birds chattering in the nook of a trunk, a fox darting beneath his feet and down some sodden fox-hole.</p><p>The rain didn’t bother him nearly so much as a stag. For one thing, he had no glasses, so the foggy splotches rain usually imposed upon his vision were irrelevant. He took a few moments to appreciate this novelty, then decided to test his new body again. He took off at a canter, leaping over winding roots and stones that jutted from the earth. He paid no heed to the curve of any path, and only when he came across a glen all misty with dew did he slow to a walk.</p><p>He had never been this far into the forest. He and his mates merely skirted the edge, generally only until Hagrid found them out and sent them off. But now…now he had completely unfettered access, and what’s more, he belonged. No one would look at him and think he was out of place. He was a stag in the woods.</p><p>It was incredible.</p><p>The rain was slowing now, or perhaps the forest’s leafy canopy simply made it seem so. He felt a pang of hunger in his stomach, and even as a stag, the cold was starting to grow uncomfortable. He tried to calculate how long he’d been out here and came up with the vague suspicion that if he didn’t head back now, he’d miss breakfast; so he turned and began to trot back the way he came.</p><p>It only took him a few minutes to realize he was horribly lost. He had been so thrilled with his newfound freedom that he hadn’t paused to take note of any landmark or to follow any path. The knotgrass under his hooves looked exactly like the knotgrass of twenty minutes ago. Stamping a hoof in frustration, he decided to just pick a direction and go. Like most of James Potter’s decisions, this was either going to be really good, or really, really bad.</p><p>He was beginning to think it was doomed to be the latter when a sudden rustling noise made him stop in his tracks, wide-eyed and alert. The sound of voices drifted through the forest fog.</p><p>“—and Dumbledore does nothing!”</p><p>“Just because he’s doin’ nothin’ publicly don’t mean he’s doin’ nothin’.”</p><p>Rubeus Hagrid emerged from behind a cluster of pines, donning his thick moleskin coat and carrying a large crossbow. A few steps behind him was Professor Dearborn, wrapped in a smart-looking cloak and evidently struggling to keep up with the enormous groundskeeper.</p><p>“You’re right, of course,” sighed Dearborn.</p><p>“Summat else is botherin’ yeh.”</p><p>“I suppose I’m just frustrated. Being cloistered here, back at this damned school, when I should be out there — fighting. But of course, Dumbledore doesn’t think I’m ready.”</p><p>“There’s no shame in takin’ time,” said Hagrid gently.</p><p>Dearborn responded with a disdainful snort. “I’m not ‘taking’ time. I’m being force-fed time that I neither want nor require. You know as well as I do that things are only getting worse — and fast. This war is escalating, and ever since Sam—”</p><p>Dearborn stopped and took a deep breath. As his professor swept the hair from his face, James noticed his hand was shaking.</p><p>“I shouldn’t be here,” said Dearborn. “Sitting safe behind a desk while Sam…” His voice trailed off, the unspoken words fluttering away into the fog. He didn’t seem able to finish the sentence.</p><p>Hagrid clasped a giant hand on the young professor’s shoulder. “Yeh need time, Caradoc. Yeh survived summat terrible and yeh just need time.”</p><p>“There is no time! Voldemort—”</p><p>But at this Hagrid interrupted him, flapping his enormous hands so violently that James glanced hastily around the forest, in case some monstrous beast had come storming towards them.</p><p>“Gallopin’ gargoyles, Caradoc! Are yeh tryin’ to give me heart failure?”</p><p>“Oh, come now, Hagrid,” said Dearborn. “Surely you aren’t afraid to speak the name V—”</p><p>“Will yeh keep yer voice down?” growled Hagrid.</p><p>“What, do you think he can hear us? Here?”</p><p>“Dunno.” Hagrid cast a furtive glance around the trees. “I’ve known stranger magic.”</p><p>“Dumbledore speaks the name freely.”</p><p>“‘Course he does,” said Hagrid gruffly. “But that don’t mean you or I—”</p><p>“Oh, all right,” said Dearborn with an impatient wave of his hand. “You-Know-Who, then. He’s out there, building an army, and I’m stuck here. Doing nothing.”</p><p>“Yer not doin’ nothin’. Yer trainin’ up the next generation, and that’s crucial. Dumbledore thinks so. D’yeh know the last time those kids had a decent Defense teacher?”</p><p>Dearborn did not respond, and James suddenly realized with an uncomfortable prickle that his professor was looking directly at <em>him</em>.</p><p>Hagrid followed Dearborn’s gaze as well, and a surprised grin peaked out from his tangled beard as he noticed the stag. “Hullo,” he said.</p><p>Lost and very hungry, James had never been happier to see Hagrid in his whole life. He trotted over merrily.</p><p>“Friendly, aren’t yeh?” said Hagrid. He shifted his crossbow in his hand, and James, suddenly remembered that he was a stag. He skittered a few steps back.</p><p>“I won’t hurt yeh! Yeh haven’ seen a great ruddy unicorn around here, have yeh?”</p><p>James began to shake his head, and then, panicking at this transparently human act, tried to play it off as though he were merely shaking away a fly. Thankfully, Hagrid was gazing contemplatively out into the forest, paying him no mind. “Well, if he don’ want ter be found, he don’ want ter be found. Migh’ as well move on. Those bowtruckles won’t bind themselves.”</p><p>“Yes,” said Dearborn vaguely, evidently less interested than Hagrid in the forest’s denizens. “Well, I suppose I ought to get back to the castle. I do have a class this afternoon. Thanks for the little tour, Hagrid. And the news…”</p><p>They parted ways at that, Hagrid disappearing off behind a thicket of trees, while Professor Dearborn followed a more clearly marked path, a path that James hoped led to breakfast. He trotted along behind the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, dreaming of eggs and toast.</p><p>Dearborn stopped and turned back, frowning at the stag. “What are you following me for?”</p><p>James froze until Dearborn began walking again, then continued after him.</p><p>“If you’re looking for food, I don’t have anything for you.”</p><p>James cocked his head.</p><p>“Go on, shoo.”</p><p>Thinking this was quite rude, James considered following his professor all the way back to the castle just to annoy him, but eventually he realized they were near the forest edge, so he took off at a canter. Once he was reasonably certain no one was around, he changed back into human form, and fell against the trunk of a great oak, panting, unable to keep from grinning at his adventure.</p><p>Then he glanced at his watch. “Oh, shit.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>James just barely made it to Quidditch practice on time. He barreled onto the pitch, still pulling on his Quidditch robes as he ran. The rest of the team was already gathered around Montgomery, shivering as the rain began to pick up again.</p><p>“Sorry!” James called, skidding to a muddy halt next to Aisha Collins. Montgomery scowled at him. “Sorry, Dave — I’m here.”</p><p>“You’re late,” said Montgomery.</p><p>“Actually,” panted James, “I think if you examine your watch you will find that I am precisely — to the nanosecond — on time.”</p><p>Next to him, Aisha snickered. Montgomery looked to his watch, realized he couldn’t argue, and merely shook his head in annoyance. “Well, let’s get on with it then.”</p><p>As Montgomery dove into his instructions for the day’s practice, Aisha leaned over and whispered, “Slept in again, did you?”</p><p>“Er — something like that.”</p><p>“Well, there’s nothing on your face this time at least.”</p><p>“Ha,” said James, remembering Sirius’s little prank. “Yeah, I still haven’t got him back for that.”</p><p>It was properly raining again by the time the team kicked off to run drills. Normally, James could happily lose himself in Quidditch practice for hours, but this morning, with the icy rain pricking his skin and his stomach growling like Remus on a bad day, James was relieved to hear Montgomery call them in, bellowing across the pitch through the hurl of wind.</p><p>It had a been a strong — if unpleasant — practice and the team headed towards the locker room with a grim sense of satisfaction. The first match of the year — Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff — was tomorrow, and the Gryffindors were as good as they’d ever been. Usually, in the week leading up to a match, Montgomery grew surlier with every passing day, but following today’s successful practice, he was in unusually good cheer. The same could not quite be said for his teammates.</p><p>“I think my balls are going to freeze off,” said Burdacke Dunne, his shoulders rolled against the wind.</p><p>“I can’t feel my toes, Dave,” moaned Aisha. “If I get hypothermia and die, I’m going to kill you. And then we’ll never win the Cup.”</p><p>“Relax,” said Montgomery. “The weather’s supposed to improve in time for the match tomorrow. And besides, if we can play so well in this weather, we’ll have Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, <em>and</em> Slytherin in the bag."</p><p>“Speak of the devil,” said Kingsley Shacklebolt in a low voice. James followed his gaze. A large group of green-clad Quidditch players were striding across the field: the Slytherin team. The Captain of the Slytherin team was a seventh year named Rabastan Lestrange. He was tall and lanky, with a thin face that seemed to be perpetually twisted into a sneer. Admittedly, he was a decent Chaser, though James would never admit it. James knew Rabastan only by reputation. His older brother Rodolphus had married Sirius’s cousin, and from everything Sirius had said, the family was bad news.</p><p>Lestrange stepped forward. “We booked the pitch for ten o’clock,” he said, giving Montgomery the sort of look generally reserved for a dog that pissed on the carpet.</p><p>Montgomery glanced at his watch and scoffed. “It’s five after.”</p><p>“Exactly,” said Lestrange. “And you’re still on our pitch.”</p><p>“Don’t wet yourself, Lestrange,” said James. “We’re headed off. You can practice your pirouettes now.”</p><p>He marched ahead, and the rest of the Gryffindors followed, some snickering, some grumbling. As they reached the locker rooms, James threw a glance over his shoulder, back at the Slytherins, and what he saw startled him.</p><p>Standing near the back of the group — leaning disinterestedly on his broomstick and looking as though he’d rather be anywhere else — was the slight, scowling duplicate of James's best friend: Regulus Black.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>After stopping by the kitchens to solicit the house-elves for some much overdue breakfast, James returned to the Gryffindor common room to find his friends lounging in their usual spot. Remus was curled in an armchair, intent upon <em>A Compendium of Defensive Magic,</em> occasionally scribbling notes onto his homework. Sirius was folding up bits of parchment into paper birds and charming them to dive bomb students as they descended the dormitory stairs. Peter lay on the rug before the fire, <em>The Standard Book of Spells: Grade 5</em> resting atop his face.</p><p>“Where have you been all morning?” demanded Sirius as James approached.</p><p>“Quidditch practice, obviously,” said James. He collapsed sideways onto a chair, his legs dangling over the arm, and took another bite of the sweet bun he’d pinched from the kitchens.</p><p>Sirius eyed him skeptically. “Since six a.m?”</p><p>“Ah.” James couldn’t help but smile. “I went for a jog — well, I say jog. Bit of a trot, really. In the forest. As a stag.”</p><p>At this, Remus looked up from his book, and Sirius made a frustrated noise. “Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve come.”</p><p>“At six a.m.?” replied James with a snort. “Not bloody likely. Anyway, I didn’t mean to be gone so long. I got a bit lost in the forest, to tell you the truth, but I ran into Hagrid and—”</p><p>“You ran into <em>Hagrid?”</em> interrupted Remus, looking alarmed. “Did he—?”</p><p>“Relax, Remus. he didn’t know it was me. How could he? He just thought I was a very sociable stag. Anyway, I just barely made it to practice on time.”</p><p>“Ready to ‘beat the Badgers bloody’ tomorrow?” asked Sirius with a faint smirk.</p><p>“To a pulp,” said James cheerfully. He chewed thoughtfully on his sweet bun while Sirius snickered at a group of third years fleeing the dormitory stairs, pursued by paper birds. James supposed he ought to tell Sirius about his brother being the Slytherin team’s latest acquisition. It didn’t seem like that big of a deal, but Sirius was weird about stuff with his family, and the smallest mention could spiral into a week-long sulk. It could wait, surely, until after the match tomorrow…but then again, it might be worse if he found out from someone else.</p><p>Oh, to hell with it.</p><p>“Funny thing happened at the end of practice. Ran into the Slytherin team coming onto the pitch. They’ve got a new Seeker.”</p><p>“Bully for them,” said Sirius without much interest, his attention focused on the new paper bird he was crafting.</p><p>“Yeah,” said James. “It’s your brother.”</p><p>Sirius stopped folding the parchment and stared. Both Remus and Peter looked up, their expressions wary. “You’re joking,” said Sirius, and James shook his head. Then, after a brief frown, Sirius scoffed. “Well, that’s good news for Gryffindor, I suppose. As far as I know, Reg hasn’t touched a broomstick in years. What the hell’s he playing at, Seeker? Since when does he care about Quidditch?”</p><p>“Dunno, mate,” said James. “Just thought you ought to know.”</p><p>“Fuck if I care,” said Sirius, and he went back to dive-bombing students with paper birds.</p><p>James observed his friend for a moment, then shrugged it off. If Sirius wasn’t bothered, then James wouldn’t be either. He had plenty of other concerns on which to focus. Or rather — on which to <em>not</em> focus. For instance, he was steadfastly ignoring the far corner of the common room where a certain prefect was sitting cross-legged on the floor, bent over her homework. He absolutely was not paying any attention as she distractedly sucked the end of her quill and tucked a wayward strand of long red hair behind her ear.</p><p>For reasons that he was steadfastly ignoring, James’s inner-life had suddenly become an inexplicable muddle of frustration and yearning, and thus Quidditch was a thoroughly welcome distraction. The upcoming match between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff was all anyone wanted to talk about anyway. Most days James could barely walk through the hall without someone shouting “Beat the Badgers bloody!” And while he did get a certain thrill from students he didn’t even know clapping him on the back and wishing him good luck, he harbored a tiny, secret, Snitch-sized ball of anxiety in the pit of his stomach that whirred about as the match approached.</p><p>By the time the morning of the match arrived, however, James was fairly certain that the stomach-Snitch had multiplied and an entire swarm of them was darting around his gut. Contrary to Montgomery’s optimistic predictions, the weather had not cleared but had instead grown foggy and inclement — not stormy, but dreary and dripping with rain. As the Gryffindor team pulled on their scarlet robes, Montgomery pelted them all with bits of advice.</p><p>“Now remember, Hufflepuff’s Beaters tend to cluster around their Chasers. They’re more defensive than offensive, so if you can get the Quaffle and get out, it should be smooth sailing…”</p><p>James was only half-listening. He knew what he had to do. It was the doing it that made him so nervous. This was his shot, maybe his only shot. He had to prove to Montgomery, to everyone, that he <em>deserved</em> to be on this team. That last year <em>hadn’t</em> been his fault at all…that he could and <em>would</em> win them the Cup.</p><p>The Gryffindors filed out onto the pitch, Montgomery in the lead, as the Hufflepuffs approached from the other side of the field in their yellow robes. They were a good team, James grudgingly admitted to himself. Their Keeper was very quick on his broom, and their Beaters were efficient, if predictable. However, their Chasers lacked the ruthless daring that James knew he possessed. All he had to do was get the Quaffle and get out.</p><p>The Captains shook hands, and Madam Hooch instructed them all to mount their brooms. The rain was falling steadily now; visibility would be compromised, but not too badly. James stole a look up at the raised stands from which the entire school was watching. Somewhere under the swells of umbrellas, his friends were watching. Lily was probably watching too.</p><p>A deep breath.</p><p>Get the Quaffle, get out.</p><p>Then the whistle blew, and the players pushed off the sodden earth with a great squelch. Fourteen brooms rose rapidly into the air…and the match began.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“What I like most about Gryffindor house,” said Remus, calmly surveying the wreckage of their common room, “is our temperate and even-keeled reaction to victory.”</p><p>Bits of red and gold streamer hung listlessly from the ceiling, draped over chairs, and huddled in lumps on the floor. Shoals of confetti swam along the carpets, while discarded bottles, sweet wrappers, and other debris cluttered every surface. Several chairs were knocked on their sides. At the other end of the room, Davey Gudgeon was slumped unconscious over an ottoman, wearing only his pants and an enormous lion mask.</p><p>“I’ll drink to that,” agreed Sirius, raising a glass of definitely-not-butterbeer.</p><p>“Hear, hear,” hiccuped Peter.</p><p>James grinned lazily from his seat. He had done it. He had proven to everyone that he deserved to be on that team. Gryffindor had won the match against Hufflepuff — obviously — and they had done it magnificently. Though the entire team had performed well, it was widely accepted that James had been the star of the pitch, scoring goal after goal until it hardly mattered whether Gryffindor caught the Snitch or not. They did, incidentally, and the party that followed was the stuff of legends.</p><p>Professor McGonagall, their Head of House, had long since ceased to interfere in post-match parties. Partly this was because she was a Quidditch fan herself and thus understood the urge for celebration, but mostly, James suspected, it had to do with the incident a few years ago when she came in to scold them for being too loud and left a few hours later covered in magical glitter that took weeks to wash off.</p><p>The party was beginning to die down now, the rowdier revelers dispersing into small groups around the common room. James, who had been required to be at the center of the whole affair, had only just sat down to enjoy a drink with his friends.</p><p>What a week. He was exhausted, but in the best possible way.</p><p>“So,” he said grandly, “who wants to go to the forest with me tomorrow morning? I’m getting the hang of those stag legs. You’ll be impressed.”</p><p>“No, no,” said Sirius. “I’ve got a prior commitment with my hangover.”</p><p>“Maybe dogs don’t get hangovers.”</p><p>“Interesting theory. I’ll explore it tomorrow from my bed.”</p><p>“You know,” James took a contemplative swig of punch, “I’ve been thinking—”</p><p>“Oh dear,” said Remus.</p><p>“—we really ought to have another name for you. As a dog, I mean. We can’t exactly keep running through the forest shouting ‘Sirius! Sirius!’ Not very stealthy, is it?”</p><p>Sirius snorted. “What d’you want to call me? Rover? Spike?”</p><p>“Goodness, no. I was thinking something that better reflects your personality. Something sweet and lovable. Like Snuffles. Or...Snuggums. Pupcakes, perhaps.”</p><p>Sirius glowered as the boys all laughed. “If you call me any of those, stag boy, I will steal Hagrid’s crossbow, hunt you down, and convince the house-elves to serve fresh venison for dinner.”</p><p>“Calm down, Cuddles,” said James, grinning.</p><p>“Your parents didn’t let you have a pet growing up, did they?”</p><p>“Did so,” said James. “We had lots of cats, and I had a Niffler for about a week. Mr. Niffles!”</p><p>“A Niffler?” said Peter. “Really? Why only a week?”</p><p>“It — er — didn’t end well.”</p><p>“Well, what about you?” interjected Remus. “You don’t get to have all the fun. If we’re calling Sirius ‘Snuffles’—”</p><p>“Which we are <em>not</em>.”</p><p>“—and I can’t get you idiots to stop calling me ‘Moony,’ then what silly name are we going to call <em>you</em>, James?”</p><p>“There aren’t any silly names for a stag. We are far too dignified and magnificent a breed.”</p><p>His friends all snorted in unison.</p><p>“Only when you stand still, maybe,” sniggered Peter.</p><p>“I told you, I’ve made a lot of progress with the legs.”</p><p>“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Remus. “You nearly impaled yourself on the the prongs of your own antlers.”</p><p>There was a pause during which James tried to think up a clever comeback, but the punch had somewhat dulled his wits.</p><p>“Prongs,” said Peter suddenly.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“That should be your name. Prongs. ‘Cause of the antlers.”</p><p>“That’s a stupid name,” protested James. “What am I, a fork?”</p><p>“I like it,” said Sirius.</p><p>“You only like it because I called you ‘Snuffles.’”</p><p>“No, I genuinely do. It’s short, to the point, but obscure enough that no one will know why we’re calling you that.”</p><p>“Prongs,” repeated James uncertainly.</p><p>“<em>Mr.</em> Prongs,” Remus corrected him. “You’re dignified, remember?”</p><p>James shook his head. “You lot have had too much to drink.” Then, in a flash of red hair, he noticed Lily crossing the common room, headed for the punch bowl. “Or…maybe I just haven’t had enough. Excuse me, I’m going to get more punch.”</p><p>He moved through the common room with brisk purpose, draining the last slug of punch from his cup as he made his way towards Lily. He’d barely spoken to her at all since she’d stormed out of his dormitory the morning after that fateful day at the lake. The week that followed had passed in a confusing, contemplative whirl. If James had hoped that his newfound infatuation with Lily Evans would fade quickly, he’d been sorely disappointed. Instead, it only seemed to grow, until it suddenly felt like an outrageous oversight that he’d never before considered her in this light. It was as though some veil had been lifted, and now he could see everything so clearly that it seemed absurd he’d ever missed it before.</p><p>This was not to say that he wasn’t still nettled by the discovery. He was, but what bothered him most was that he hadn’t done anything about it. He’d had plenty of opportunities to talk to her, but he’d always found a reason to hurry in the opposite direction. That wasn’t right. He was James Potter. He wasn’t scared of anything, let alone a girl. Let alone Evans. He needed to deal with this, and now was his chance.</p><p>He reached the refreshments table as Lily was spooning the dregs of the punch bowl into her cup. “You do know there’s alcohol in that, don’t you?” he said lightly. “You, with your shiny prefect’s badge — surely you wouldn’t be caught sipping spiked punch?”</p><p>Lily continued ladling the punch into her glass without looking up at him. “It’s a well-established Gryffindor tradition that prefects are off duty at House parties. And besides,” she paused, setting the ladle aside with a clink and taking a sip of the punch, “this stuff is weak.”</p><p>James had not thought the punch to be particularly weak — he had watched as Sirius had tipped an entire bottle of firewhiskey into the bowl a few hours earlier — but he did not say so. Instead he said, “Seemed to do dear old Davey in,” nodding at the unconscious boy in the lion mask.</p><p>“Everyone knows he’s a lightweight,” said Lily.</p><p>Look at them, having a friendly chat! James felt almost giddy. Or maybe that was the punch.</p><p>“So,” he went on, taking a step closer to her as he scooped up the last bit of punch and poured it into his own cup, “did you see the match then?”</p><p>“No,” said Lily dryly. “I missed it. Did we win?”</p><p>He laughed and took a long drink. Swallowed. This was his moment. He just needed to do it. Go on. Just ask her out.</p><p>But Lily had turned to leave.</p><p>“Hang on—” he said quickly. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you.”</p><p>She turned back to him with an expectant, impatient look on her face, lips primmed, a frown in her brow. Once again, James was taken aback by how pretty she was. How had he never noticed before how pretty she was? Surely it could only be because he’d never taken the proper time to admire her face, with its pale skin, blemished so wonderfully with the occasional freckle, and the rosy flush that always crept up her cheeks whenever she was embarrassed or flustered. And of course, her eyes…so bright and startlingly green. He was just admiring the poetic way her hair fell in little waves over her shoulders when Lily cleared her throat impatiently.</p><p>“You wanted to talk to me? About what?”</p><p>“Right,” James caught himself. “Yeah. Sorry — er — you’re not still cross about that old book, are you? I really was going to give it back.”</p><p>“What book?” asked Lily sweetly. “There are a lot of books in the world.”</p><p>He grinned. She could give it as well as she could take it. He’d always liked that about her too. “I deserved that. Listen, about what happened at the lake, I hope you’re not embarrassed or anything, because I didn’t—”</p><p>“You know,” Lily interrupted, her voice suddenly sharp, “it would probably be better if we never spoke of that again. <em>Ever</em>. Okay?”</p><p>She fixed him with so furious a glare that James couldn’t help but laugh.</p><p>“Okay,” he agreed. Then, with the flippant air of someone changing the subject with absolutely no ulterior motive whatsoever, he continued: “So, are you going to Hogsmeade next weekend?”</p><p>Lily gave her punch glass a little swirl. “Yeah, I’m going with Anson.”</p><p>James froze. “What? Who?”</p><p>“Anson Nott.”</p><p>James felt something akin to a Bludger to the gut. “Nott? The Ravenclaw Seeker?”</p><p>“That’s right.”</p><p>“You’re going to Hogsmeade with <em>Anson Nott?”</em></p><p>“Is there a problem?”</p><p>“Yeah, you can’t date Nott.”</p><p>“Why not?” said Lily, looking very offended.</p><p>“He’s the Ravenclaw Seeker!”</p><p>“So?”</p><p>“It’s treason!”</p><p>Lily rolled her eyes. “I didn’t realize inter-house dating was forbidden. Really, I must re-read that rulebook.”</p><p>“Inter-house dating is fine, but inter-Quidditch dating? No way.”</p><p>“I’m not on the Gryffindor Quidditch team,” Lily pointed out.</p><p>“True,” conceded James, “but if you had any proper Gryffindor pride you wouldn’t even speak to any of those Quaffle-hogging Ravenswots.”</p><p>“Oh, you’re being childish. What do you care, anyway?”</p><p>“I don’t care. Just surprised is all. Still, there’s no accounting for taste, I suppose.”</p><p>“Oh, that’s nice,” said Lily. “You don’t even know him.”</p><p>“I know he’s dull as a doorknob and only caught that Snitch last year by dumb luck.”</p><p>“Of course, this is about your wounded ego.”</p><p>James opened his mouth, then shut it again. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. She wasn’t supposed to have a date with someone <em>else</em> — let alone Anson bloody Nott. Unsure how to proceed, he fell back into his most comfortable persona: cocky amusement.</p><p>“Tell you what,” he said with forced indifference, “if it doesn’t work out with Nott, <em>I’ll</em> buy you a drink.”</p><p>Lily scoffed in irritation, a faint tinge of pink encroaching upon her cheeks.</p><p>“What?” laughed James with an impressive display of unaffected bravado. “Like you weren’t dying for me to ask.”</p><p>Lily glared at him, then shook her head in disgust. “You’re unbearable,” she said, and then she took off towards her friends without another look his way. James watched her go, despair washing over him like a bad hangover.</p><p>That was an absolute disaster.</p><p>For want of any better idea, James returned to his friends, half-empty punch glass in hand, his enthusiasm for the party abruptly diminished. He slumped into his seat, depressed, letting his friends’ banter carry on around him without participating. Suddenly, all of his accomplishments this week didn’t seem to matter — the Animagus transformation, the Quidditch victory — it all felt useless and dull and disappointing.</p><p>Anson Nott. She was dating <em>Anson Nott?</em></p><p>“Hi James,” a breathy female voice interrupted his brooding. He looked up: Alodie Blunt stood before him, beaming.</p><p>“Oh, hi,” said James.</p><p>“I just wanted to tell you,” said Alodie, “I thought you were really amazing today.”</p><p>“Thanks,” said James, trying not to sound bored. This wasn’t the first stroke of his ego he’d received tonight, and ten minutes ago he would’ve enjoyed it thoroughly. But now it just felt redundant and silly. <em>Lily</em> hadn’t thought he was amazing.</p><p>“So,” said Alodie with pretty smile, “are you going to Hogsmeade next weekend?”</p><p>“Dunno. Probably.” And James sunk back into his own miserable thoughts of handsome Ravenclaw Seekers and beautiful redheads for a moment, until he realized Alodie was still hovering beside him, watching him expectantly.</p><p>“Well,” said Alodie, “I was thinking of getting a drink at the Three Broomsticks. Maybe I’ll see you there?”</p><p>James considered this logistically. “I expect so. It’s not that big of a pub.”</p><p>Alodie’s face fell. “…Oh. Right.”</p><p>And she left, looking thoroughly disappointed.</p><p>Shrugging off this slightly baffling exchange, James turned back to his friends to see all three of them shaking their heads at him in something resembling disbelief.</p><p>“...What?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Welcome to Quarantine, Week One Billion. I bring gifts of Jealous James Potter, being a dumbass.</p><p>Hope y'all are well and healthy and moderately sane. &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. One More Moon</h2></a>
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<h1>REMUS</h1><hr/><h2>One More Moon</h2><p>James Potter was engaged in a very un-James-Potter-esque activity: He was sulking. Remus had only encountered the fearsome Potter Sulk on a handful of occasions, and they had all been Quidditch related. Usually, it was the mercurial sway of Sirius’s mood they chased, occasionally Remus’s own sour disposition, and rarely Peter’s, whose darker tempers were of a quieter, more gloomy variety, so that they often went unnoticed to all but Remus himself. Generally, James was unflappably affable, which meant none of them quite knew what to make of the sullen-faced boy sitting slumped over their table in the Three Broomsticks, temperamentally swirling the foam of his butterbeer with a finger. So they handled it the way the group of teenage boys knew best: They ignored him.</p><p>“Round two!” proclaimed Sirius, merrily distributing four frothing mugs to his friends. “I tried to convince Rosie to give us some firewhiskey, but she’s more stubborn than she looks. Ah, well.”</p><p>Remus fished in his pocket for some coins.</p><p>“Put those away,” said Sirius in a bored voice.</p><p>“But you got the last round!”</p><p>“No, my horrible parents did. I like spending their money frivolously. It gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. Prongs, you haven’t even touched your first drink.”</p><p>James merely grunted.</p><p>“Fine.” Sirius turned towards the crowds of students threading their way through the pub. “Oi, you.”</p><p>“Lois Perkins,” muttered Peter.</p><p>“Right, Perkins,” said Sirius carelessly, “— yeah, you. Here, have a butterbeer on me.” </p><p>Lois Perkins, a fourth year girl who reminded Remus vaguely of a rabbit, stopped in her tracks, gazed wide-eyed at Sirius for a moment, then accepted the butterbeer with stammering thanks before hopping off, giggling with her friends.</p><p>Remus sighed deeply. “See, this is why you have a reputation.”</p><p>“I have a reputation?”</p><p>“Yes, you do.”</p><p>“As what?”</p><p>“Teenage heartthrob,” said Remus.</p><p>Sirius snorted into his butterbeer, spraying flecks of foam across the table. “Fuck off.”</p><p>“No, it’s true,” said Peter. “April Wallace spent most of last term sobbing over you.”</p><p>“Who the hell is April Wallace?”</p><p>“You snogged her after the Hufflepuff match last year,” said Peter with a slight edge to his voice. Remus knew that Peter had fancied April Wallace something awful.</p><p>“Oh.” Sirius set his mug down with a clank and wiped his mouth in an almost exaggerated display of carelessness. Remus had noticed how he did that. When they were all together, when Sirius was in the spotlight, he adopted intentionally impolite behavior — chewing with his mouth open, slopping butterbeer on the floor, kicking his feet up on the table — but when he was alone or distracted, when his guard was down, his manners reverted to a pristine display of pure-blood politesse, like he didn't even notice he was doing it.</p><p>Remus was more than a little curious about his friend’s upbringing, but he knew better than to ask. Sirius didn’t talk about his family. Remus knew the basics, of course — hated his mum, hated his dad, hated his cousins — but the intricacies of a childhood of pure-blood privilege remained a secret Remus couldn’t help but find intriguing. He didn’t ask though. Remus understood about keeping secrets.</p><p>Sirius seemed about to retort when they were all distracted by the buxom form of Madam Rosmerta, the landlady, squeezing past their table to deliver a tray of drinks to a company of aged warlocks. “Ta,” growled the oldest, accepting his cherry-topped fizz with what he evidently thought was a flirtatious tilt of his fur-trimmed cap.</p><p>Madam Rosmerta, a very attractive witch with ample curves, pretty curls, and a charmingly minxish face, was the subject of many a schoolboy fantasy around Hogwarts.</p><p>“Rosie!” cried Sirius as she retreated from the warlocks’ table. </p><p>“No whiskey, Black. I’ve got enough on me plate without being slapped with charges for serving minors.”</p><p>“Not even a sip?”</p><p>“The Ministry would have me arse.”</p><p>“Lucky them, it’s a bloody fine arse.”</p><p>She slugged him on the back of the head. “Cheeky!” </p><p>“Anyhow, I wasn’t going to ask you for whiskey. Just wanted to order another round of butterbeer.”</p><p>“Another?” Rosmerta raised her eyebrows. “You’ve just started these. Guzzling butterbeer won’t get you drunk, you know. It’ll only make you sick, and that’s a mess I don’t need to be cleaning up, thanks.”</p><p>“Oh, it’s not for us. For the girls over there.”</p><p>“I should’ve known! Which one?”</p><p>“All of them.”</p><p>“<em>All</em> of them? Ambitious lad, aren’t you?”</p><p>“Oh, but don’t say it’s from me. Tell them it’s from my good friend Remus here.”</p><p>Rosmerta took off for the bar, laughing and shaking her head.</p><p>“What? No! Don’t do that! Rosmerta! Rosmert—” Remus groaned while Peter and Sirius sniggered. “I hate you, <em>Snuffles</em>.”</p><p>Sirius sipped his butterbeer serenely. “Okay. You’ve got to come up with a better name than that.”</p><p>“Says the idiot who came up with ‘Moony.’”</p><p>“Moony is an excellent name. Would you rather be <em>Snuffles</em>? Mr. Tuft-tail? Sir Whiskers?”</p><p>Peter laughed.</p><p>“Watch out Peter,” said Remus darkly. “Snuffles will be naming you next.”</p><p>“If you ever manage to transform,” said Sirius.</p><p>At this, Peter flushed pink and Remus shot Sirius a reprimanding look, which Sirius blithely ignored. Remus wished he wouldn’t put Peter down like that. He could tell Peter was already discouraged by the whole ordeal. It had been hard enough for James and Sirius to become Animagi, let alone poor Peter. “Shut it, Snuffles,” said Remus.</p><p>“We’re <em>not</em> calling me Snuffles.”</p><p>“Hey,” said James suddenly, his eyes slipping back into focus from whatever irksome sight he’d been surveying across the pub. “<em>I’ve</em> embraced Prongs.”</p><p>“Oh, look,” said Sirius. “It’s alive.”</p><p>“Hmph,” said James. Then, unexpectedly, he made a disgruntled noise and said, “It’s stifling in here. D’you want to go for a walk or something?”</p><p>No one did, but they all shrugged and agreed because James had suggested it. After a few moments of bundling up, the boys were back outside in the blustery cold. They strolled along High Street with no real intent to their destination, but soon Remus realized with a lump in his throat that they were climbing the sloping path towards the Shrieking Shack.</p><p>It sat perched on the hill, as though looking down in scorn upon the village, its garden overgrown and choked with weeds. It was always strange for Remus to see the house from the exterior; he alone knew what really went on inside. He felt a gnawing sensation deep within his stomach. The full moon was in a little over a week…but he didn’t want to think about that.</p><p>“What are you doing, Prongs?” said Sirius.</p><p>Tugged from his thoughts, Remus turned and saw that James had wandered over towards the creaky fence that encased the Shrieking Shack and was gazing contemplatively at its boarded-up windows. He didn’t respond.</p><p>“Prongs?” Sirius tried again.</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“What’s <em>with</em> you today?”</p><p>James shrugged. “Nothing. I was just thinking.”</p><p>“Care to share with the class?”</p><p>James tugged his hat down over his ears then turned towards them, leaning against the fence. A flicker of his usual grin appeared on his face and they all relaxed a bit. “I want to do it this moon.”</p><p>“Do what?”</p><p>“What do you think, Remus? Come to the Shrieking Shack. Transform with you.”</p><p>Remus froze. “But — you’re not ready.”</p><p>“We’ve been talking about this for years. ‘Course we’re ready.”</p><p>“But Peter can’t change yet.”</p><p>James gave an unconcerned wave of the hand. “He can come next time.”</p><p>Peter didn’t say anything, but Remus knew this stung. For a floundering moment, Remus tried to convince himself that his concern was for Peter’s feelings, rather than the overwhelming terror the prospect spawned in him.</p><p>“Look,” said Remus, a bit desperately, “why don’t we just wait until after the holiday?”</p><p>“Why?” demanded James. </p><p>“We just — you can’t — we can’t screw up. There’s no margin for error here!”</p><p>“You worry too much,” said James dismissively.</p><p>Remus bit his lip. He wanted to snap that James didn’t worry enough, but he knew it wouldn’t do any good. Besides, he could hardly count this as a surprise. They’d told him they wanted to transform and come to the Shrieking Shack with him, and he’d supported it. He’d been so enamored with the idea of his friends’ acceptance that he hadn’t stopped to think about what it really meant. Or rather, he hadn’t let himself.</p><p>But now, standing outside the shack, gazing up at the walls of his monthly prison…the idea was absurd. He was a werewolf. Sure, in their Animagus forms they were safe from his bite — he couldn’t transmit his lycanthropy to other animals — but he could still scratch and maim…and what’s to say he wouldn’t? Look what he did to himself every month! He didn’t want to do that to his <em>friends</em>.</p><p>And they had no idea. They had no idea what a werewolf really was. They probably just pictured him as a normal wolf, running around the Shrieking Shack bumping into things. Maybe they thought the wolf was still Remus, with just a tad more bloodlust. But he wasn’t. He wasn’t Remus at all. The wolf was something that lived inside him, dirtied his blood and his body, but it wasn’t <em>him</em>…and when it came out, Remus was gone. What if…what if after meeting the wolf, that’s all they’d ever see? He wouldn’t be Remus anymore…</p><p>James was still talking. “—and I’ve got it all figured out. This is what we’ve been trying to do since second year. I don’t want to wait any longer.”</p><p>“One more moon,” Remus pleaded. “Please, just — wait until after the Christmas holiday.”</p><p>
  <em>“Why?”</em>
</p><p>“Because I am asking you to!” cried Remus, and his voice cracked in desperation. They all stared at him. Remus felt his cheeks burning, but he held James’s gaze. </p><p>“Fine,” said James after a moment. “Okay. Fine. We’ll wait one more moon.”</p><p>“Thank you.”</p><p>James tugged on his hat again and shrugged. Then, to everyone’s relief, he seemed to make a conscious decision to return to his normal, cheerful self again. “You know,” he said brightly, “‘Prongs’ is actually starting to grow on me. Moony, Snuffles, and Prongs…has a bit of a ring to it.” Grinning, he threw an arm over Remus’s shoulder and began leading him back down the sloping path to the village. </p><p>“We’re <em>not</em> calling me Snuffles!” hollered Sirius from behind.</p>
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<a name="section0026"><h2>26. The Annual Black Family Holiday Flagellation</h2></a>
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<h1>SIRIUS</h1><hr/><h2>The Annual Black Family Holiday Flagellation</h2><p>Snowflakes fell in pretty little whorls over breakfast, tumbling into oblivion from the enchanted sky of the Great Hall. Sirius Black watched them gloomily, picking disinterestedly at his bacon. Across from him, Peter was fussing over his Charms homework. James was at Quidditch practice, and Remus the hospital wing. The full moon was tonight.</p><p>Sirius was bored and edging dangerously close to the waters of outright melancholia. Almost overnight, the castle had transformed itself, teeming with tinsel, positively sodden with Christmas cheer. Great snaking garlands of evergreen adorned the bannisters of all the stairs, and blinking fairy lights hovered throughout the halls. Someone — probably James — had charmed the fourth floor corridor to snow perpetually, resigning a grumbling Filch to spend most of his day shoveling it out so students could trudge through to class. Even Peeves had caught the holiday bug, zooming in and out of classrooms, belting naughty versions of carols at the top of his voice.</p><p>Sirius, however, found it all repellant. Every snowflake, every gaggle of girls tittering under bunches of mistletoe, every refrain of “We Wish You a Merry Piss-mass (And a Happy Poo Year)” did nothing but dampen his fast-plunging spirits.</p><p>“Is it <em>Silen</em>cio or Silen<em>cio</em>?” fretted Peter, flipping through his Standard Book of Spells with ink-stained fingers.</p><p>“Want me to demonstrate on you?” Sirius offered spitefully, and Peter shut up. If Remus had been here, he would’ve told him off for that, but honestly, how many times was Sirius expected to go over Charms with Peter? If the boy was too thick to get it the first time…</p><p>He was spared further consideration of this matter, however, as the Gryffindor Quidditch team arrived looking pink-cheeked and miserable. James alone was in good spirits, and he greeted Sirius happily, collapsing onto the bench and pausing only to correct Peter’s homework (“No, Pete, you’ve got it all backwards. Here…”), before turning his attention swiftly to breakfast. “Bacon!” he delighted, adding a generous heap to his plate.</p><p>“Good practice?” asked Sirius, raising his eyebrows at Aisha Collins, who had sat down next to Lily Evans and seemed to be trying to thaw her fingers over a cup of tea.</p><p>“Bloody freezing,” said James cheerfully.</p><p>“I thought Montgomery would let you off on good behavior, seeing as you won the last match.”</p><p>“Can’t waste a perfectly good weekend,” explained James through a mouthful of toast. “Madam Hooch always closes the pitch when it gets too cold. We won’t be able to practice again ’til it thaws. Oh look — the post.”</p><p>A flurry of owls swept overhead, and a moment later, the Potters’ large eagle owl landed before James. His friend settled in comfortably to read a long letter from his mum, sharing bits of toast with the bird in an absent-minded way. Sirius himself didn’t get much mail, apart from the subscription he’d taken out for the <em>Daily Prophet</em>, but he glanced up anyway, watching the last few owls stream in. As he sought out the tawny bird coming to deliver his newspaper, something else caught his eye: It was Glaucus, the handsome grey owl his parents had bought Regulus after he’d been sorted into Slytherin. For a cringing, miserable moment, Sirius thought the owl was headed his way — not again, hadn’t his mother just had her fill of berating him for the month? — but then it swerved in a graceful plunge towards the Slytherin table and settled itself with dignity next to Regulus. The owl ruffled its feathers elegantly as Sirius’s brother untied the letter from its talon.</p><p>The sight of his brother caused a surprising twist of guilt. They hadn’t even spoken since they’d boarded the Hogwarts Express in September. Sirius didn’t often seek out his brother. Regulus was an unpleasant reminder of the home awaiting him outside the castle walls, and what’s more, the people his brother hung around generally didn’t approve of Sirius any more than he did them. But still, he ought to have at least checked in…</p><p>For about the hundredth time since James had told him, Sirius found himself obsessing over the fact that Regulus had joined the Slytherin Quidditch team. It wasn’t out of concern for Gryffindor’s prospects. Sirius knew as well as anyone that positions on the Slytherin team were given not on merit but name. Sirius doubted very much that his brother was any good, but it didn’t surprise him that Lestrange wanted a Black on his roll call.</p><p>All the same, Sirius had a bad a feeling about it. Regulus had always been a bit of a loner at school, and Sirius was comfortable with that. It meant his little brother wasn’t cozying up to Bella and Cissy’s cohort of Death Eater enthusiasts.</p><p>Uneasily, he remembered Regulus discussing articles about Death Eaters with Lucius Malfoy over the summer, when the brothers had been trapped at Black Hall and Cissy kept insisting on bringing her boyfriend by for tea. Regulus had later brought up those same articles at dinner with their mother, but Sirius hadn’t thought too much of it at the time. Sure, he’d been disgusted, but he figured Regulus had just been trying to score points. It was constant work, being in Walburga Black’s good favor, and Regulus had long since decided that was where he liked to sit.</p><p>But if Regulus was now on the Slytherin Quidditch team, that meant he was rubbing elbows with Lestrange and Avery and Mulciber…and they were as surely a part of the You-Know-Who fan club as anyone at school.</p><p><em>Don’t be an idiot, Reg</em>, Sirius thought with a tinge of desperation. His brother was only fourteen. It wasn’t as though he could sign up for Death Eater camp tomorrow. All the same, maybe it was time to have a chat with baby brother.</p><p>“Mum says hello,” said James, and Sirius pulled his gaze back to the Gryffindor table. “Says you’re welcome to come for Christmas hols, which you <em>should</em>, as I’ve told you a hundred times…”</p><p>“I wish,” muttered Sirius.</p><p>“What’s stopping you?”</p><p>A woeful hoot and sharp peck at his arm notified Sirius that the <em>Daily Prophet’s</em> owl had arrived and wished to be paid. He dug into his pocket, selected a handful of knuts, and stuffed them into the owl’s pouch.</p><p>“Oh good, the news,” said Sirius, and he disappeared behind the <em>Prophet’s</em> protective folds.</p><p>He could feel James watching him; he could sense his frown and the faint crease of concern in his brow. But then James simply pulled out a piece of parchment and began to compose a letter to his mum. He always did that, wrote back right away. Sirius couldn’t remember a time when James had failed to respond to a letter from his parents. He wondered vaguely what that must be like.</p><p>The only letters Sirius ever got from home came exclusively from his mother, and they were usually nothing more than a laundry list of complaints about Sirius’s failings as a son and man. Spiteful old pig of a woman, his mother, just trying to get a rise out of him. She was surely bored and going mad locked up in that horrible old house with all her ancestors barking criticism at her from the walls…so she liked to have a go at her son every now and then, harass him a bit, that’d make her feel better…stupid cow…</p><p>Seeking distraction from these unpleasant thoughts, he redirected his attention to the <em>Daily Prophet</em>. The front page was devoted exclusively to articles on increased Ministry security and Eugenia Jenkins’ latest political troubles: Another handful of politicians had called for her resignation. Abraxas Malfoy had apparently published another terrible op-ed, and Sirius was mid-flip through the paper to find it when a headline in the Society section caught his eye and nearly made him choke on his tea.</p><p>
  <strong>NARCISSA BLACK ANNOUNCES ENGAGEMENT TO LUCIUS MALFOY</strong>
</p><p>The photograph underneath showed Narcissa looking unbearably smug. Her sleek blonde hair was twisted in some elaborate coif, and she was dressed in fine silk robes, embroidered with pale silver stars. Beside her stood Lucius Malfoy, a vision in green, tall and arrogant, a snarl of a smile on his face, one arm wrapped possessively around Narcissa’s waist, the other resting imperiously on an intricately carved cane. Its head was a silver serpent with emerald eyes that glistened even through the photograph. Malfoy’s robes oozed expense, and his hair was every bit as blonde and fine as his fiancée’s. Sirius loathed him.</p><p>He skimmed the article with a scowl. It was one of those fluffy engagement pieces, pronouncing the upcoming nuptials, “the society wedding of the year,” and talking about the beautiful, noble-blooded bride. He wasn’t surprised by the engagement — everyone knew it was coming — but still, he felt irritated. Narcissa was going to be unbearable.</p><p>No wonder his mother was in such a foul mood. Though they unhappily saw rather a lot of each other, the Blacks were neither a close nor affectionate family. There was certainly no love lost between his mother Walburga and her sister-in-law Druella. Walburga resented both of her brothers who, despite being younger, surpassed her for inheritance by dint of their sex. It was stupid, but the Blacks, being an ancient family, followed ancient rules of inheritance: Walburga, first-born but female, would get nothing.</p><p>Thus it had been a bit of a coup d’état for his mother when Cygnus and Druella had produced only daughters — Bellatrix, Andromeda, and Narcissa — while Walburga provided the Blacks with two healthy sons, the eldest of which would inherit everything.</p><p>The Black fortune was once again in Walburga’s grasping hands. That her son and heir was proving himself to be a failure and a blood traitor was awful enough, and now to watch the daughter of despised Druella make a perfectly respectable — nay, advantageous — marriage…it surely would be too much for Walburga to bear.</p><p>Maybe, if Sirius was very lucky, the shock of it would kill her.</p><p>Almost unwillingly, Sirius’s gaze drifted back to the Slytherin table, just in time to see Regulus gather his things and head out the door.</p><p>“I’ll meet you in class,” said Sirius abruptly, and he marched off before James could protest.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The entrance hall clamored with the usual noise of morning routine, students hurrying to and fro, late for breakfast or scrambling off to finish an essay before class. As he swept through the hall, Sirius tried and failed to locate his brother. Surely he couldn’t have run off so quickly…but then he saw him: Regulus was climbing the grand marble staircase with the haughty, bored Black expression he had perfected through years of practice. Sirius twitched his wand in his pocket and watched as Regulus’s shoelaces disentangled themselves from the fastidious knots in which he kept them. As his brother knelt down to re-lace them, something Regulus made an exacting, arduous process, Sirius strutted over. “All right, Reg?”</p><p>Regulus stiffened, then straightened up and turned towards his older brother, his eyebrows arched, whether in disbelief or disdain, Sirius wasn’t sure. “You’re talking to me. In public.”</p><p>“So?”</p><p>“You never talk to me in public.”</p><p>Sirius frowned and dug his hands a little deeper in his pockets. “That’s not true.”</p><p>“Funny, this is the first time we’ve spoken since summer, and it’s nearly Christmas.”</p><p>“Well, we run in different circles, don’t we?”</p><p>Regulus snorted. “That’s putting it mildly. So what do you want?”</p><p>“Why do I have to want something? Can’t I just stop and check in with my baby brother?”</p><p>Regulus grimaced, and Sirius couldn’t help but smirk. Regulus hated being called that. “How many times do I have to remind you I’m only a year and a half younger than you?”</p><p>“Apparently a few more, baby brother.”</p><p>“Shut up.” His laces corrected, Regulus continued his ascent of the stairs. Sirius followed.</p><p>“Heard you made the Quidditch team,” he said in a throw-away sort of tone.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Didn’t know you even cared about Quidditch.”</p><p>Regulus eyed him warily for a moment then shrugged. “Cissy thought it would be good for me.”</p><p>“Ah. <em>Cissy</em> thought. Good for <em>you</em>, or for your social standing?”</p><p>“Oh shut it, Sirius, I don’t have to j-justify myself to you.”</p><p>“But you do to <em>Cissy</em>.”</p><p>Regulus flared. “At least <em>she</em> shows an interest.”</p><p>“That’s right. I forgot, you always needed external validation.”</p><p>“Shut up, Sirius.”</p><p>It was hard for Sirius not to antagonize his little brother these days. It hadn’t always been this way. There had been a time when they’d been close, friends even. If not friends, then allies, united against the tyranny of their mad mother and cruel father. Back then, Sirius hadn’t resented his brother. Little Reg, with his scrawny limbs and nervous hands and st-st-stammer that still occasionally came out when he was upset, despite all the specialists and spells their mother had subjected him too. Itty bitty baby Reg, who once reordered their library by size and color, who kept his peas and carrots divided by some invisible, uncrossable line, who was so intent and orderly, yet still managed to spill the decanter of wine over fresh table linens…the blossoming stain of red on white…the silence that preluded their mother’s tempest of a temper. Little Reg hadn’t been a threat, he’d been something to be protected. And Sirius had done that, the best he could.</p><p>Well, usually.</p><p>He tried to tell himself that Regulus merely towed the family line as a means of survival — hadn’t he, Sirius, done it for years before? He tried to tell himself that it wasn’t a betrayal, Reg’s sudden ascent to favored son, that he, Sirius, didn’t take it that way, and that most importantly, he didn’t care one bloody way or the other…but the truth was, it stung to see Regulus sitting on the throne that had once been his, even if he’d willingly vacated the seat.</p><p>Sirius sighed. “Look, just be careful, all right? I don’t want — you shouldn’t get too mixed up with that lot. They’re a bad sort.”</p><p>Regulus rolled his eyes. “You know, most people say that <em>you</em> hang around a bad sort.”</p><p>“Your definition of ‘most people’ begins and ends with mother, doesn’t it?”</p><p>“At least I care about my family.”</p><p>“Yeah. I know you do.”</p><p>It was an awkward moment, the two brothers poised at the top of the staircase, ready to head in opposite directions, the air between them charged with years of unuttered words.</p><p>Regulus spoke first: “I guess you saw about Cissy.”</p><p>“What, her betrothal to Lord Locks-of-Gold? Yeah. Read all about it. I can’t believe she’s marrying that ponce.”</p><p>“I can,” said Regulus. “They’re p-perfect for each other. Just think of the money she’ll save on hair potions.”</p><p>Sirius let out a loud, surprised laugh. The lines of Regulus’s frown un-bended and for a moment the boy looked almost pleased with himself.</p><p>“There’ll be a big hullabaloo over the holiday, of course,” continued Regulus. “Cissy wrote me, said she plans to double the Christmas party as an engagement celebration.”</p><p>“She would. Why celebrate the birth of Christ when you could celebrate Narcissa and the fat new rock on her finger?”</p><p>“You’ll have to be there, of course.”</p><p>“Like hell I will. As a matter of fact, I haven’t decided if I’m going home at all this year.”</p><p>“Sirius, you have to.” His brother’s voice was suddenly grave, pleading. An echo of smashed crystal and books hurled across the foyer. “Please just come. Don’t make this difficult.”</p><p><em>Difficult</em>. What an unsatisfactory word for what their family was.</p><p>“Please, Sirius.”</p><p>He looked at the boy in front of him and for a moment, Regulus was ‘baby brother’ again. Something to be protected.</p><p>“Yeah, all right,” said Sirius gruffly.</p><p>“You promise?” Regulus urged. “You promise you’ll come home for the holiday?”</p><p>“I said all right!”</p><p>“Okay.” Another uncomfortable pause. “Thanks.”</p><p>Sirius grunted. “See you around, baby brother. And Reg?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Don’t be an idiot.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>As the week carried on, however, Sirius found himself regretting his promise to Regulus. The thought of boarding that train, of getting off in London, of locking himself in that madhouse again…it made him feel sick to his stomach. James, meanwhile, was blithely pestering him with reasons he should come to Potter House for the Christmas holiday.</p><p>“Mum always puts on a great show for Christmas dinner,” James told him as they left Charms one afternoon, “and we can play snow Quidditch!”</p><p>“Snow Quidditch?”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s like Quidditch, but with snowballs. It’s great.”</p><p>Sirius was spared the need to respond as Lily Evans and Mary Macdonald passed by and, curiously enough, James’s attention was abruptly absorbed elsewhere.</p><p>“—and Florence said that Anson’s been published three times in <em>Charms Weekly!”</em> Lily was saying to a slightly less enthusiastic Mary. “Three! Isn’t that incredible?”</p><p>“Yeah…” agreed Mary, though she sounded rather bored.</p><p>The girls walked off, and Sirius was slightly amused to notice James scowling after them. “What’s so impressive about that?” demanded James. “Publishing a paper. Anyone could do that. I could do that.”</p><p>“Sure,” agreed Sirius, trying not to smirk, “but you haven’t.”</p><p>James frowned at this, then shrugged and dove back into his crusade to get Sirius to come to Potter House. But it was pointless, and they both knew it. Sirius always went home for the Christmas holiday. He had to. If he didn’t, there would be consequences.</p><p>Remus returned after the moon looking bedraggled and miserable, but the icy chill that permeated the castle at least gave him the excuse of wearing a thick, woolly scarf that obscured his freshly-scarred face. Full moon aside, Remus seemed to be running himself to exhaustion. He hardly had time to recover before he was off again, this time having been recruited with the rest of the prefects to decorate the twelve massive fir trees Hagrid had hauled into the Great Hall. Indeed, prefect duties seemed to be consuming all of his spare time. Between that and the swamp of O.W.L. homework with which they were increasingly saddled, his friend was nearly frantic.</p><p>“Blow it off,” suggested Sirius.</p><p>“I <em>can’t</em>. I missed patrol the other week, and Lily’s had to cover for me too many times anyway.”</p><p>“She can decorate a stupid tree by herself.”</p><p>“But that’s not <em>fair</em>.”</p><p>So Remus, still looking like death on a bad day, scurried off to the Great Hall. James and Sirius hung behind in the common room, James attempting to walk Peter through the Animagus process yet again. Sirius felt unreasonably annoyed by everything: Peter’s incompetence, James’s cheerful persistence, the holly hung over the fireplace, the students around them all chattering about their holiday plans…</p><p>“Hi boys.”</p><p>Sirius looked up to see Alodie strolling over, holding a fussily-wrapped box. He just barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes.</p><p>“Anyone fancy a bonbon?” said Alodie, holding out the box. “My father sent them, but I’m trying not to eat sweets.”</p><p>“Why not?” said James, and Alodie laughed as though he’d made some clever joke. Sirius suspected she was on a diet — Narcissa was always going on about this or that fad diet. The other boys helped themselves to the chocolates, but Sirius merely watched disdainfully.</p><p>Alodie, having bribed her way into the conversation, perched cheerfully on the arm of James’s chair. Sirius supposed he ought to give her credit for perseverance, even in the face of such brutal obliviousness. “So, headed home for the holidays?” she asked.</p><p>“That’s the plan,” said James. He threw a glance at Sirius as he said this, which Sirius avoided by glowering into the fire.</p><p>Alodie went on: “I for one am looking forward to it. It’ll be so nice to get out of the castle, won’t it?”</p><p>“Yeah,” muttered Sirius. “Whoop-de-fucking-doo.”</p><p>Alodie eyed him curiously. “Don’t you go home for Christmas? I thought your family had that big party every year.”</p><p>James blinked in surprise at this comment, but Sirius merely grimaced. Alodie Blunt was what his cousins would call a ‘pure-blood hanger-on.’ She was pure-blood, allegedly, but she wasn’t of old Wizarding stock, like Crouch or Gamp or Black, and she knew it. Her parents obviously cared about blood, name, and status, and so she’d been raised with an inferiority complex. It came as no surprise to him that someone like Alodie knew of and remembered the opulent celebration to which she would never be invited.</p><p>“Ah yes,” said Sirius moodily. “The Annual Black Family Holiday Flagellation. I can hardly wait.”</p><p>“You don’t want to go?” pried Alodie.</p><p>“Whatever gave you that impression? I count the days.”</p><p>Alodie looked as though she was going to interrogate further, but James, no doubt sensing danger, intervened. “You’ll have to excuse Sirius. He’s rather overdosed on Christmas spirit.”</p><p>“It was all the bonbons,” said Sirius.</p><p>“Okay…” said Alodie with an uncertain smile. “Well, I’ll be off. You can have the rest of these if you like. I’ll see you later, James.”</p><p>“See you,” said James obliviously.</p><p>She left, and Peter helped himself to another bonbon as James observed Sirius. “You know, you don’t <em>have</em> to go to that Christmas party.”</p><p>“Will you give it a rest?” snapped Sirius. “We both know I’m not going home with you for the holiday.”</p><p>There was a pause, the only sound the rustling of bonbon wrappers as Peter glanced uncomfortably between James and Sirius.</p><p>“Why not?" said James in a quiet voice.</p><p>“Because I can’t, all right?”</p><p>“Is it because it’s my place and you’re worried your family will freak out like they did this summer? Then I’ll stay here. We can both stay here. Christmas at Hogwarts is always a lark, yeah?”</p><p>“Don’t be stupid. It’s not — I have to be <em>there</em>. That’s the whole bloody problem.”</p><p>“But <em>why?”</em></p><p>“It’s complicated. Just drop it, okay?”</p><p>Sirius stood abruptly and stormed off to the dormitory, knocking the box of bonbons off the arm of the chair as he went, leaving James and Peter and their bewildered expressions behind, chocolates spilled haphazardly across the common room floor.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Sirius flopped himself down face-first onto his bed in the dormitory. He punched the pillow a few times before finally resting his forehead on his fists, breathing heavily, trying to get control of the rage that had been seeping through him the last few days.</p><p>Then came the thud of footsteps on stairs and the door creaked open. He looked up to see James enter. “What a surprise,” Sirius muttered.</p><p>James ignored this comment and leaned against the post of the bed, observing him with a somber expression that Sirius recognized. It meant James wanted to have a ‘talk’ about something he had deemed ‘important,’ and there was no stopping him when he got like that.</p><p>“I don’t understand you,” said James. “Why are you doing this to yourself? You hate it there, you <em>hate</em> it. Just the thought of going back is turning you into a different person, so why go if you don’t have to?”</p><p>“Because I <em>do</em> have to.”</p><p>“No, you don’t! That the whole point! You’re making yourself miserable over nothing!”</p><p>“I told you to drop it, James.”</p><p>“And I ignored you. Why are you torturing yourself?”</p><p>Sirius scowled at the wall. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”</p><p>“Then explain it to me. Because from where I’m standing it looks like you’re determined to be a martyr for no good reason.”</p><p>“You don’t know my family, okay?” Sirius's voice, against his wishes, grew louder, angrier. “If I don’t go, it will blow up into a whole…thing.”</p><p>“So?” said James. “Who cares? You won’t be there to deal with it!”</p><p>“Yeah, but Reg will!”</p><p>The words were wrenched from him, desperate and angry. They hung in the air between the two boys like something dirty, something unspoken that should have remained so. They never talked about Regulus. Sirius had made it clear when his brother started his first year at Hogwarts that James — and by extension Remus and Peter — were to have nothing to do with him. No talking, no pranking…nothing.</p><p>James was watching him with a confused expression that inexplicably stoked Sirius’s fury. James had always liked to call Sirius the brother he never had, but that was a problem — because Sirius already had a brother. And maybe James couldn’t understand it, but Sirius had an obligation to Regulus.</p><p>“Like it or not,” snarled Sirius, his temper getting the better of him yet again, “he’s my brother — not you. And I promised him, so you can just fuck off about this, all right?”</p><p>Sirius regretted these words as soon as they spilled out, but he couldn’t take them back because they were true. James merely blinked, a look of hurt on his face that would keep Sirius awake for nights to come.</p><p>“Fine,” said James, and he walked out of the dormitory without another word, leaving Sirius alone with his fury.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sirius, sweetie, maybe it's time to try meditation again. :/</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Monsters Among Us</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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<p>
  
</p>
<h1>SEVERUS</h1>
<hr/>
<h2>Monsters Among Us</h2>
<p>
  <em>The werewolf walks among us unhindered. Though the transformed beast is indeed distinguishable from its non-magical counterpart through small yet distinctive characteristics — the length of the snout, the pupils of the eyes, the tufted tail — a werewolf in human form is nearly unidentifiable. </em>
</p>
<p>A soft petal of snow fell onto the textbook. Severus brushed it away impatiently, leaving a faint smudge of dampness on the page. In a fit of Christmas spirit, Professor Flitwick had decided to dedicate the last class before the holidays to snow charms, and thus little whorls of precipitation fluttered about the room. Severus had methodically produced the required charm and moved on to worthier pursuits. His research on werewolves had led him on a circuitous plunder of the school library, and though another full moon had come and gone, still he had no proof but the feeling in his gut and the mysterious marks on Remus Lupin’s face. All the same, he remained convinced.</p>
<p>But he needed proof.</p>
<p>
  <em>To the average eye, the monster moves as one of us, hidden behind the safety of a familiar face, crouching behind human skin, waiting to strike, to attack...he lives, always, in the shadows...</em>
</p>
<p>Another clump of snow fell onto the page, obscuring the text. It was only at this point that Severus noticed a large shadow looming over his book. He glanced up. Above him hovered an enormous mound of snow. Before he could reach for his wand, before he could even react, it plummeted, falling upon him in an icy, sodden mass. He spluttered, hastily clearing the snow off his book. Laughter erupted behind him.</p>
<p>He turned sharply to see Adam Avery and Evan Rosier sniggering, Avery’s wand still pointed lazily at him. A knife of a boy, Avery smirked at Severus’s furious expression. Around him, the Slytherin girls were all giggling; Isolde Greengrass, simpering blonde little slut that she was, clung to Avery’s arm in hysterics. Isolde had always despised Severus, primarily because she despised Lily Evans, and it was well-known among the Slytherins that Severus was friendly with the Gryffindor Muggle-born. He looked away, cheeks flushing with anger. It was bad enough he had to deal with Gryffindor scum like Black and Potter, but to suffer such indignity at the hands of his own housemates? </p>
<p>The bell rang, and the class dispersed. Severus gathered his now-sopping belongings and shuffled his way out into the hall. Rosier shoved against him, hard, knocking his books to the floor.</p>
<p>“Watch it, mud-licker.”</p>
<p>Severus glowered as he collected his books, hateful thoughts spiraling their way through his mind. Students flowed by him like a river around a rock, barely pausing to glance at the boy kneeled on the cold, stone floor. For the first time, he felt pleased it was almost the Christmas holiday. He would stay at school, of course. Severus stayed at school for every holiday. He had no desire to return to Cokeworth, smothered on every side by the squall of mill strikers, the bleating of his drunken father, the wasteland of his mother’s gaze. And the majority of students left, anyway, which meant the castle was quiet and empty. That was how he liked it best.</p>
<p>“Sev!”</p>
<p>He looked up, his heart rising at the familiar voice. Lily Evans was hurrying towards him through the crowded hall. He straightened up, books in arm. “Hi,” he said. She smiled at him, and his skin tingled, knowing that smile was for him alone.</p>
<p>“Flitwick had you doing snow charms too?” she asked, brushing a bit of snow off his sleeve.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” said Severus, trying not to scowl. “I’ve had my fill of winter cheer, I think.”</p>
<p>“Not me,” said Lily brightly. “I love winter. Always have. Walk with me?”</p>
<p>He nodded and the two fell into the flow of students headed towards the Great Hall. He was warmed by the familiarity of this act, his long spider strides and her soft, quick steps. He’d missed her. He’d been so absorbed in his obsessive research to prove his theory about Remus Lupin that he’d hardly made time for anything else, but now, with her by his side, he realized what a loss this had been.</p>
<p>Of course, came the bitter thought, Lily hadn’t seemed to miss <em>him</em> nearly as much. She’d been spending all of her time with her new <em>boyfriend</em>. Some Ravenclaw named Anson Nott, some Quidditch jock, some pea-brained pretty boy. Severus had watched them together, holding hands in the halls, lurking in the more amorous corners of the library, eating all their meals together at the Ravenclaw table. He didn’t deserve her.</p>
<p>Lily, not noticing this darker thread of his thoughts, was chatting amiably about this and that, classes and exams, what she’d gotten her sister for Christmas. </p>
<p>“I wish you didn’t have to go,” he said before he could stop himself. He was embarrassed to hear his own voice, petulant and childlike.</p>
<p>She gave him a sympathetic look and touched his arm. “I wish you were coming with me. But I understand why you’re not. You won’t be too lonely, will you?”</p>
<p>“No. You know me. I like it quiet.”</p>
<p>They turned down a less crowded corridor and paused by one of the tall, inset windows that looked out over the grounds. Out of pure habit, Severus looked to the sky: The moon, bright as a Christmas bauble, was just peeking out into the settling dusk. He pulled his gaze away. Lily had set her bag on the window ledge and was rifling through it. “I was going to wait for Christmas,” she said, “but then I thought, oh, why bother? Anyway, I have a present for you.” She withdrew from the bag a slightly lumpy parcel wrapped with a curl of red ribbon.</p>
<p>“You didn’t — I mean — you didn’t have to—” Severus spluttered, suddenly awkward. He hadn’t got her anything.</p>
<p>“I know I didn’t. I wanted to. But don’t get too excited, it’s nothing much. Still…’tis the season. Go on, open it.”</p>
<p>His long, pale fingers brushed her warm palms as he took the parcel. Delicately, he tore back the paper to reveal a pile of green knitting. He pulled it out, and the pile unfolded itself into a long, winding scarf.</p>
<p>“It’s a bit crooked,” said Lily apologetically. “I’m a terrible knitter. My mother’s disgrace. I thought I’d try magic to make it easier, but it was still a lot harder than I expected.” She laughed, a bit nervously. “But it’s warm! I know how cold those dungeons get…and I thought it might be nice to have something warm…I may have skipped a few stitches, so it’s a bit sloppy…” She was rambling, and he was tempted to let her carry on because her desire to please him was so charming, but she kept glancing at him anxiously, and his sympathy stirred.</p>
<p>“I love it,” he said, and he meant it.</p>
<p>She beamed. “Here.” She took the scarf from his hands and draped it around his neck. It was very warm.</p>
<p>“How do I look?”</p>
<p>“Very dashing. Not at all like you’re wearing a knitted abomination.”</p>
<p>“It’s wonderful. Thank you.”</p>
<p>Lily smiled, and Severus felt that familiar, overwhelming warmth that only she enkindled within him. He ran his fingers over the crooked stitches. He wished he had something to give her.</p>
<p>“God, look at that moon.” Lily had placed her hands on the window and was peering out into the grey dusk. “It’s not a full moon tonight, is it?”</p>
<p>“No, it’s waning gibbous,” Severus responded automatically. He hesitated, a sudden idea appearing hazily before him. Should he tell her? She was his best friend in the world. They told each other…well, not <em>everything</em>…but a lot of things. “What do you think is going on with Lupin?” he asked, before he could change his mind.</p>
<p>Lily blinked, turning away from the window. “How do you mean?”</p>
<p>“He missed Ancient Runes again this week.”</p>
<p>“So? He was ill.”</p>
<p>Severus responded with a skeptical snort. </p>
<p>Lily raised her eyebrows. “What, you don’t think he’s ill?”</p>
<p>“I think…” Severus took a deep breath, preparing himself. “I think he’s a werewolf.”</p>
<p>Lily stared at him, her mouth slightly open. Then, she did something horrible: She burst out laughing. “You think he’s a <em>what?”</em></p>
<p>“A werewolf,” said Severus impatiently. </p>
<p>“You’re joking.”</p>
<p>“No, I’m not. I’ve been tracking his disappearances, and it’s always on the full moon. The <em>full moon</em>, Lily! You think that’s a coincidence? And then he shows up in class the next day with fresh cuts and scratches…”</p>
<p>“He’s <em>ill</em>, Sev…”</p>
<p>“Then how do you explain the scratches?”</p>
<p>“I’m sure there’s some Wizarding disease that causes scratches.”</p>
<p>“Yes,” said Severus. “There is. It’s called Lycanthropy.” He watched her, almost hungrily, as if he could force her to see reason by the sheer ferocity of his gaze. A small wrinkle creased her brow. She was thinking it over.</p>
<p>Then she shook her head. “Remus Lupin is not a werewolf,” she said bluntly. “That’s ridiculous. And frankly, even if he were, I don’t see why it’s any concern of yours.”</p>
<p>“I think I’ve got a right to know if there’s a <em>werewolf</em> running around school!”</p>
<p>“Well, I don’t. If he <em>were</em> a werewolf — which, come on, Sev, he’s not — but if he were, then I would think that’s his own personal information to share with whomever he pleases, and no offense, but I don’t think that includes you. I mean, you don’t see me trying to bully Peter Pettigrew into admitting he’s a vampire.”</p>
<p>“Very funny.”</p>
<p>“Although, I do think we could make a plausible case for Potter being a Dementor…”</p>
<p>Severus smiled in spite of himself, in spite of the gloomy disappointment seeping through his whole body. This was not the reaction he had desired. He’d wanted her in on the hunt, on the quest to prove his theory, his quest for revenge. Instead, she’d scoffed.</p>
<p>Lily was watching him with a small frown. “I’ve got to get to dinner. I’m supposed to meet Anson. Are you coming?”</p>
<p>“No,” he said, turning back to the window. What did she have to bring up her stupid boyfriend for? “I’m not hungry.”</p>
<p>“Sev...”</p>
<p>“Happy Christmas, Lily,” he said shortly, and he left her standing alone in the glimmer of light from the waxing gibbous moon.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>We are officially half-way through book one, which is both exciting and just a teeny bit stressful! *frantically drafts book two*</p>
<p>A short chapter today, but I’ll make up for it on Monday with the longest chapter so far... :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. The Heir and the Spare</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/>
<p>
  
</p><h1>SIRIUS</h1><hr/><h2>The Heir and the Spare</h2>
<p>“Master Sirius is expected for breakfast this morning.”</p>
<p>A croaky voice jarred Sirius from his sleep. He groggily opened an eye to find before him a gnarled old snout with hairy, bat-like ears. He gave a shout of surprise.</p>
<p>“Gah! Kreacher, how many times do I have to tell you I hate waking up to your wretched face? It’s enough to give a person nightmares.”</p>
<p>Kreacher didn’t dignify this with a response. He merely gave Sirius a stern look and said, “Kreacher’s Mistress is asking him to wake Master Sirius, so Kreacher is waking Master Sirius.”</p>
<p>Sirius threw a pillow at him, which the elf dodged with surprising agility.</p>
<p>“Kreacher has drawn Master Sirius a bath,” the elf announced with solemn duty, then he slunk out of the room. Well, that was something, at least. Morning had come quicker than Sirius would’ve liked. He’d stayed up late the night before, dreading the ticking clock, dreading the morning.</p>
<p>Today was Christmas Eve. Today he would be dragged off to Black Hall, the home of his hated cousins, for the annual Christmas party. Pour him a champagne flute of arsenic and he just might have a good time.</p>
<p>Grudgingly awake, Sirius groaned, stretched out on the bed, then slouched off to the bath with a resigned sigh.</p>
<p>Kreacher was as good as his word, and Sirius sunk into sweetly-scented bathwater that was neither as boiling nor as icy as he had anticipated. Evidently the elf’s loyalty to his Mistress’s wishes outweighed his dislike for her eldest son. Sirius closed his eyes and stewed for a bit. He’d made it four whole days into the Christmas holiday without incident. So far, his family had been scraping the edge of tolerable. Regulus had stayed holed up in his room as much as possible doing Merlin knows what. His father was ignoring him, which was ideal, and his mother had only lost her temper twice, the last time advising him in escalating tones not to “make a spectacle” at the party.</p>
<p>He indulged for a moment in his favorite fantasy of showing up to the Christmas party in ripped Muggle jeans and that leather jacket he’d bought that his mother hated so much. Just as he was perfecting the image — his mother’s apoplectic face, like a balloon about to burst, Narcissa fainting in horror at the sight of him — the lock on the bathroom door clicked, and the long shadow of a woman slipped through.</p>
<p>“So it’s true. The prodigal son returns.”</p>
<p>Momentarily startled by the intrusion, Sirius quickly composed himself and glared coolly up into the face of his eldest cousin. “What do you want, Bellatrix?”</p>
<p>Bellatrix smiled. She was widely considered beautiful, Sirius knew, with heavy-lidded eyes and dark hair that fell in thick locks down her back, but Sirius felt nothing but disgust and a touch of horror at the sight of her. “Why,” said Bellatrix in a sickly-sweet voice, “it’s just been so long since I’ve seen my favorite wittle cousin. I could hardly <em>believe</em> it when Reggie wrote to say you were being a good boy and coming home after all.”</p>
<p>Sirius felt a burst of anger towards his brother. Why would he tell <em>her</em>? Why would he write this bitch at all?</p>
<p>Bellatrix perched herself on the edge of the clawfoot tub and eyed him with a look like a jackal circling its prey. “I just had to see for myself. The <em>stories</em> one hears about you, Sirius, love. They’re quite appalling.” At this, she trawled her hand through the bubbles in the bath and brushed a soapy finger across his nose. If Sirius hadn’t left his wand in his bedroom, he might’ve blasted her own nose right off that sneering face. Would that count as ‘making a spectacle?’</p>
<p>“Why <em>are</em> you here, baby cousin?” asked Bellatrix, leaning uncomfortably close.</p>
<p>Sirius forced himself to remain relaxed, as though her presence didn’t bother him in the slightest, as though he wasn’t aching to beat her senseless with a chunk of soap. He knew how Bellatrix operated. A whiff of fear only encouraged her. Lounging in the tub, he yawned. “It’s my house.”</p>
<p>Bellatrix narrowed her eyes. “Is it, though? <em>Your</em> house? Tell me, are you trying to rejoin the flock, my little black sheep?”</p>
<p>Sirius let out a harsh laugh. “You just can’t stand it, can you? You can’t stand that I’m the heir, that <em>I</em> get everything. All of Bella’s toys go to naughty little Sirius. But whose fault is that? Black family traditions, eh? You and my mad old mum are exactly the same, frothing with rage over the very traditions you so desperately want to uphold. Mummy had to leave Black Hall and move to ugly old London. And Bella? What does she get? Nothing but a stringy, rotten husband she only bought for the brand name.”</p>
<p>That wiped the smile off his cousin’s face. She stood sharply and walked over to the sink, gazing at him through the mirror’s reflection. Sirius smirked at her in triumph. Everything he said, he knew, rang true. Bellatrix’s husband <em>was</em> a stringy old bastard, and no one fooled themselves into thinking their match was anything more than an exercise in good breeding.</p>
<p>“Do you really think you’re so secure in your inheritance?” Bellatrix asked softly, picking up a razor and gently trailing her fingers along its blade. “Do you <em>really</em> think they’ll let you — <em>you</em>, the blood traitor — become the heir of the Black fortune?”</p>
<p>“Going to kill me, Bella?”</p>
<p>His cousin set the razor down and turned to face him, that twisted smile back on her face. She leaned casually against the ceramic sink. “You’re not the only male heir available to us, wittle cousin. You’d do well to remember that.” Then she sighed. “How time has changed us. Do you remember what fun we used to have, when we were children? You…me…and little Reggie.”</p>
<p>And with that, she left.</p>
<p>Sirius simmered in the tub, trying not to let her get to him, trying to dam up the deluge of memories threatening his mind. With a grunt of frustration, he submerged himself in the bath. Images flooded him.</p>
<p>
  <em>Regulus in the tub, underwater, spluttering, spitting, struggling…</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Stop!” Sirius cried. “What are you doing?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Why,” said Bella with her schoolgirl plaits and her twisted smile, “it’s a baptism.”</em>
</p>
<p>Sirius bolted up, spraying water across the green-tiled floor, coughing, choking on the memory. He pulled his knees to his chest and buried his face in his palms.</p>
<p>
  <em>“And if you don’t help me, baby cousin, you’re next…”</em>
</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Bellatrix was gone by the time Sirius descended the stairs for breakfast. In fact, the dining room was empty except for his father who sat stiffly at the head of the table, sipping a cup of tea and reading the <em>Daily Prophet</em>. His father ignored him, a favor Sirius was happy to return. He ate his poached eggs in silence, wishing he could read the <em>Prophet</em> as well, but unwilling to ask his father for a section.</p>
<p>When he was finished, Sirius set his fork down with a faint clatter and pushed back his chair. His father cleared his throat, and for a moment Sirius thought he was going to speak, but the man merely adjusted his reading glasses and flipped the page.</p>
<p>Sirius left.</p>
<p>He climbed the stairs heavily, supposing he’d just go back to his bedroom and wait until the next meal he was obliged to attend, but when he reached the topmost landing, he hesitated by the room next to his own. There was a little sign placed on the door, and Sirius recognized his brother’s fastidiously neat handwriting. It read:</p>
<p>
  <em>Do Not Enter</em><br/>
<em>Without the Express Permission </em><br/>
<em>of Regulus Arcturus Black</em>
</p>
<p>Sirius snorted. That was new. Rolling his eyes, he shot a quick <em>Alohomora</em> at the lock and pushed through the door into his brother’s bedroom. Regulus was seated at his desk, bent over a book. He turned sharply as Sirius barged in. “You could at least knock,” his brother said resentfully.</p>
<p>Sirius ignored this. “Why’d you tell Bellatrix I was coming home for Christmas?”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Bellatrix. Why did you tell <em>her</em>?”</p>
<p>Regulus merely blinked. “I told Cissy. She asked. They were all going to find out eventually.”</p>
<p>“What are you playing at?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”</p>
<p>Sirius glared at his brother for a long moment, then he crossed the room and stood by the window, gazing out over the street. Fresh snow had covered the little square over night, making it very nearly pretty. But not quite. He turned back to face his brother. “I’m only here because you dragged me here, and so far, I can’t figure out why you bothered. Why’d you make it such a big deal that I came for this stupid party?”</p>
<p>“Because it <em>is</em> a big deal!”</p>
<p>“They don’t want me here any more than I want to be here.”</p>
<p>“That’s not true. Mother would be humiliated if you didn’t show up tonight.”</p>
<p>Sirius let out a derisive snort. Of course, his mother wanted her eldest there, her heir. There were appearances to keep up, after all. It was all such a pathetic charade. He turned away in disgust and found himself face to face with the Black family crest. He glowered at it and those terrible, accusatory words that hung below like a curse, like a threat: <em>Toujours Pur</em>. Regulus had painted it over his bed years ago, but it never failed to repulse Sirius. It was embarrassing how hard his brother tried to curry mummy’s favor.</p>
<p>But then his eyes drifted below the crest to a cluster of papers pinned there. He moved closer to the bed to peer at what he now saw were <em>Prophet</em> clippings. Regulus made a jerky, uncomfortable movement at this, but Sirius ignored him. He leaned over the bed to read the headlines. They were all about Death Eaters.</p>
<p>“What the hell is this?” said Sirius, very quietly.</p>
<p>“That’s none of your b-business—”</p>
<p>“What the hell <em>is</em> this, Reg? Some sort of shrine? What are you, a Death Eater groupie?”</p>
<p>“So I read the news, what’s wrong with that?”</p>
<p>“What, do you wank off to it, too?” Sirius ripped a clipping from the wall, and Regulus flinched. “‘Two Muggles dead in Yorkshire ambush,’” Sirius read aloud. “‘Death Eaters suspected behind the attack.’ Is this what you want to be?”</p>
<p>“Cissy s-says—”</p>
<p>“Well, if Cissy s-s-s-says, it must be right,” snarled Sirius. “Fucking hell, Reg. I knew you were an idiot, but I never realized just how stupid you were.”</p>
<p>“Me?” said Regulus with a surprising burst of vehemence. “I’m the stupid one? <em>You’re</em> the one throwing in your alliance with the Mudbloods and b-blood traitors.”</p>
<p>“Better a blood traitor than a murderer.”</p>
<p>“Do you know what they say about you in the Slytherin common room?”</p>
<p>“I really don’t give the faintest fuck.”</p>
<p>“Well, you should. It’s humiliating — for <em>me</em>, as well as you. They say you’re Potter’s dog, always scuttering along after him, licking his boots—”</p>
<p>Sirius was unable to suppress a snort of amusement at this.</p>
<p>“Think that’s funny, do you?” said Regulus.</p>
<p>“A bit, yeah,” admitted Sirius.</p>
<p>“Have you no pride? Have you no respect for your own name, your own blood-line? Your own <em>family</em>?”</p>
<p>It was discomfiting how much he sounded like their mother. Sirius hugged his arms to his chest, glowering. “No. None. And if you had the tiniest trace of a moral compass, Reg, you wouldn’t either.”</p>
<p>“Cissy says they’ve brainwashed you.”</p>
<p>“Oh, that’s rich, coming from the boy who starts every other sentence with ‘Cissy says.’”</p>
<p>“She says it’s a defense mechanism,” Regulus persisted, “that you’re forced to spend all your time in Gryffindor with — with <em>those</em> people — people like the Potters — and so you’ve become like them, just to survive.”</p>
<p>“That’s right,” said Sirius, his voice so laden with sarcasm that even earnest little Reg couldn’t miss it. “The Muggle-borns and half-breeds are holding me hostage.” He steepled his hands in a pantomime of prayer. “Oh help me, Cissy, please!”</p>
<p>“We could, you know,” said Regulus quietly.</p>
<p>Sirius stared at him, and at last, he understood. He burst out laughing, though there was no humor in his voice. “Is that why you forced me to come home? To stage an intervention?”</p>
<p>“I didn’t force you to do anything,” said Regulus. “I asked and you agreed. You chose this.”</p>
<p>Sirius couldn’t argue with that. He <em>had</em> chosen this. He’d been given every opportunity to turn his back on this place, these people — and he’d pushed James away instead. He felt a pang as he remembered their argument in the dormitory, the wounded look on James’s face. They’d hardly spoken since — just one long and miserably quiet train ride back to London.</p>
<p>Sirius suddenly felt tired, beaten down. “What do you want from me, Reg?”</p>
<p>“I want my brother back.”</p>
<p>“I’m right here. I’m right fucking here in fucking Grimmauld Place because you asked me to be. And let me tell you something: I regret it.” He marched back to the collage of <em>Prophet</em> clippings and ripped a handful of pages off the wall. He shoved them into Regulus’s face. “Because if this is what you’re becoming? If this is what you want to be? Then you’re not worth my fucking time.”</p>
<p>He threw the clippings at Regulus and strode from the room without another word, bits of newspaper still fluttering to the floor as the door slammed shut behind him.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>The rest of the day was spent slumped on his bed in a gloom of lethargy. Once or twice he thought he heard Regulus’s door creak open, the soft scuff of feet stopping just outside his own door, but no knock followed.</p>
<p>So Narcissa really had got her claws into him. He knew Regulus loved her; she doted on him, and she always had, even before he’d been elevated to the seat of favored son. And now <em>Cissy</em> was marrying a man who was undoubtedly a supporter of You-Know-Who and Regulus was tacking up photos of Death Eaters like Quidditch stars. Sirius had always regretted Narcissa’s influence on his brother, but if Reg couldn’t see for himself that <em>murdering</em> people was wrong, why was Sirius even bothering with him? What was he even here for?</p>
<p>Eventually, Kreacher appeared and announced it was time to get dressed. Now Sirius stood before the mirror in his room, tugging at the collar of his robes. They were new and very stiff. He looked at himself and cringed. Dressed in intricately embroidered navy silk, he looked every bit the part of the perfect, pure-blood princeling. He briefly revisited the idea of the leather jacket, then shook his head, grimaced at his reflection, and slouched his way downstairs.</p>
<p>His family was waiting for him in the kitchen by the cavernous fireplace. It was evening, and they were fashionably late for the party. Regulus, dressed in robes of handsome green, was folded in a chair, absorbed in some book, while his father was sipping a snifter of brandy and perusing the <em>Evening Prophet</em> with apparent disdain. His mother alone was in motion, barking orders to Kreacher, who rushed about the kitchen, eager to oblige.</p>
<p>“There you are!” she snapped as Sirius entered. Then she paused, taking in his appearance, undoubtedly looking for something to criticize. She sniffed. “Try not to get ash on your new robes. You look surprisingly decent for once.”</p>
<p>Sirius gave her an exaggerated bow and marched towards the fireplace. “Let’s get this freak show on the road then.”</p>
<p>His mother sniffed again. “Kreacher!” The house-elf jumped to attention. “The <em>gifts</em>,” she said impatiently, rolling her eyes as the elf rushed about, buckling under a pile of packages three times his own weight. Then with a <em>crack</em> the elf disappeared to deliver the gifts to Black Hall and announce their imminent arrival.</p>
<p>“Well?” His mother glared imperiously around at them all; his father rose with a sigh, finished his brandy, and without a look at his family, he grabbed a fistful of Floo powder and stepped through the grate. Regulus scurried along next, and then it was Sirius’s turn. “Black Hall,” he said morosely, and he stepped through.</p>
<p>The difference from the dank kitchen of 12 Grimmauld Place to the glittering chamber in which he had arrived was startling. The room, flanked with fireplaces on either side, had been decked from wainscoting to cornice with baubles and holly. House-elves hurried to and fro, taking cloaks, offering refreshments. Even the portraits on the wall, of which there were hundreds, had been ornamented for the occasion, either with festive hats or swags of mistletoe. The room had obviously been decorated to make an impression, and, blinking against the thousand flickering fairy lights, Sirius had to admit they succeeded.</p>
<p>His mother arrived a moment later and looked about disdainfully, muttering to herself: “Yes, well, they may have the portrait gallery, but Druella will never get her grubby little fingers on the family tree.”</p>
<p>“Shall we go through?” said his father in a bored voice, dumping his cloak on an elf.</p>
<p>The chamber led out to the main hall, which was even more lavishly decorated than the room they’d just left. The hall rose in great arches three stories high so that the guests could look down from the second and third-floor landings onto the glittering party below. An enormous fir tree had been levitated in the center of the room, strung with silver garlands and wisps of tinsel, and charmed to rotate slowly, giving the effect of an enormous, conical disco ball. The party was in full swing, the room filled with witches and wizards in their finery, chatting and laughing and drinking and boasting. It looked, Sirius thought gloomily, like a special circle of hell designed just for him.</p>
<p>“Some party,” said Regulus from beside him.</p>
<p>“Don’t talk to me,” growled Sirius. “I’m still furious with you.”</p>
<p>Regulus rolled his eyes, but before he could respond, there was a shrill, delighted cry, and Narcissa rushed forward in a flurry of kisses. “Aunt Walburga! How wonderful it is to see you. Uncle Orion, always a treat. Darling Reggie, give me a kiss. You must tell me all about the Quidditch team! Rabastan’s written, of course, says you’re perfectly marvelous, but I want to hear it all from you. And Sirius…we weren’t sure you’d make it. How <em>wonderful</em>.”</p>
<p>“Careful, Narcissa,” said Sirius, deftly dodging her proffered cheek. “Too sweet and I might vomit all over your freshly-polished floors.”</p>
<p>“Oh, <em>you</em>,” Narcissa said with a tinkling laugh, swatting his arm. She was dressed in cream-colored robes lined with lace trimmings, her hair ornamented with pearls. Sirius had the distinct impression she was trying to look as bridal as possible. An obscenely large diamond adorned her delicate finger, and she appeared to have perfected the exact angle at which to display it for maximum dazzle. She turned back to his parents. “Come see mama and papa, they’ve been so anxious for you to arrive.”</p>
<p>Narcissa led them through the party to her parents. Uncle Cygnus was a short man with a twisted goatee and a belligerent mouth that had clearly downed several drinks already. Aunt Druella, on the other hand, was a tall and glamorous woman, dressed in robes of blood red with a plunging, fur-trimmed neckline.</p>
<p>“Hussy,” he heard his mother hiss under her breath.</p>
<p>If Druella heard, she did not show it. “Walburga, how charming to see you. You are looking so well for a woman of your age…tell me, how do you do it?”</p>
<p>“The blood of virgins,” offered Sirius, before he could stop himself. “There’s a ritual sacrifice every new moon. Big hullaboo at Grimmauld Place. Makes an awful mess, though.”</p>
<p>Regulus dug his elbow into Sirius’s side, but Druella merely blinked her heavy-lidded lashes. “Sirius. How lovely you could make it.” She gave him a thoroughly unpleasant look that suggested otherwise, then turned back to his parents. “Are you all parched from your travels?” she asked, as though they had trekked from Tibet rather than simply stepped through a fireplace. “Can I get you some drinks?”</p>
<p>“A brandy would be sublime,” said Sirius’s father.</p>
<p>“Of <em>course</em>. Come with me.”</p>
<p>The two of them went off. His mother watched them leave, eyes narrowed.</p>
<p>“Walburga, old girl!” cried Cygnus with drunken enthusiasm. “Alphie and I were just talking about you, come and have a drink, won’t you?”</p>
<p>“I need a drink,” muttered Sirius, and he snatched a flute of champagne off a house-elf’s tray and emptied its contents into his mouth.</p>
<p>He somehow managed to give his family the slip and spent the next half-hour loitering without incident, dodging various relations with an agility that would’ve won him the Quidditch Cup. Having procured a few particularly strong drinks (house-elves, he mused, were good for <em>some</em> things), he retreated to as unobtrusive a wall as he could find and wondered if it would be too much to ask to be ignored for the rest of the night.</p>
<p>It was.</p>
<p>“Well, look who it is,” said a low voice. Sirius turned and saw Adam Avery, a fifth year Slytherin and an absolute prick. His girlfriend Isolde Greengrass was with him, and wanna-be-bodyguard Evan Rosier lurked behind, clutching a small bouquet of toothpicked hors d’oeuvres in one clenched fist.</p>
<p>Sirius inclined his head to the group in a gesture of mock civility. “Avery. Rosier. How <em>smashing</em> to see you.”</p>
<p>“I must admit, Black," said Avery, "I’m surprised you showed up.”</p>
<p>“Everyone keeps saying that, but the last time I checked, those are <em>my</em> salmon puffs your flunky is cramming into his face. Maybe you should read the invitation closer next time. <em>Black</em> Christmas Party. Sirius <em>Black</em>. Of course, it helps if you can read,” he added with a nod at Rosier.</p>
<p>“Always the comedian,” said Avery coolly while Rosier scowled, undoubtedly beginning to work out that he’d been insulted. “I didn’t think there would be enough Mudbloods and half-breeds here for your taste.”</p>
<p>“Well, that’s true,” said Sirius. “I do prefer a wider genetic pool from which to choose.” He glanced at Isolde, who was clinging to Avery’s arm with a sort of simpering sneer. Sirius grinned at the two of them. “I see you’ve given up snogging your sister and upgraded to your cousin. Well done, Avery, old boy.”</p>
<p>This went over about as well as Sirius had intended: Avery seemed about to draw his wand, but Sirius laughed harshly. “Are you going to hex the host’s nephew? Frightfully bad manners, that would be. Imagine the uproar.”</p>
<p>“Come <em>on</em>, Adam,” said Isolde, giving Sirius her most disdainful glare. “Let’s not waste our breath on this blood traitor.”</p>
<p>“Ouch,” said Sirius, placing his hand over his heart. “That hurt my feelings.”</p>
<p>And the three Slytherins strutted off in haughty indignation. Rosier turned and made a rude gesture with his free hand, which Sirius heartily returned. If he’d been at Hogwarts, he would’ve hexed them.</p>
<p>Eventually, the need to refill his drink forced him to rejoin the crowds. He searched through the teeming ballroom for a house-elf, but all the little buggers seemed to have disappeared. He felt the cold wave of sobriety ebbing against his brow and knew that this was an unacceptable state of affairs. If he had to be here, he’d at least be bloody well sloshed. He continued his search, nearly knocking into a brittle old woman he thought might be a great-aunt who was saying to her friend, “Can you believe it, Dottie came around the other week — you know, she’s always got some <em>charitable</em> project, it must be so dull for her in that little house — she wants to raise money for the widows of Muggle victims! What’s next, spare bones for dogs?”</p>
<p>At last, he spotted an elf, hovering by the staircase that led to the upper landings. He made a bee-line for it and snatched the last glass of champagne off its tray with a victorious ‘huzzah.’ It was only as he began to drain its contents that he realized his quest had led him right to the belly of the beast: His mother was descending the stairs with Uncle Alphard in arm. Sirius quickly ducked into the shadow of the staircase, hoping against hope they wouldn’t spot him. Luckily, they were far too absorbed in their own conversation to notice.</p>
<p>“How can you be so unfeeling?” demanded his mother. “Don’t you care at all about the future of the Blacks, the legacy of our ancestors?”</p>
<p>“Not particularly,” said Alphard, taking a healthy pinch of snuff. He wrinkled his nose in enjoyment. Then he gave Sirius’s mother a keen look. “What is it the French say? <em>Après moi, le déluge.</em>”</p>
<p>His mother’s face warped into a snarl. “How father could ever bear to let inheritance fall to a scoundrel like you—”</p>
<p>“Careful, Wally, darling, or one might accuse you of disloyalty to the absolute wisdom of the ancient ways.”</p>
<p>His mother took a shuddering breath and tried again. “Your nephew, who appears to be doing all he can to follow in your abominable footsteps, is the heir of the Black family—”</p>
<p>“Is he really? I must’ve forgotten. No one’s mentioned it to me for…” Alphard glanced at his watch. “…twenty-nine seconds. For that matter, I don’t see what all your fuss is about. Your son is the heir. One day, this whole circus will be his. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? Doesn’t that warm the cockles of your cold little heart?”</p>
<p>“There are complications, as you very well know—”</p>
<p>“Yes,” said Alphard, sounding bored. “But lucky for us all, you’ve done well. Provided us an heir <em>and</em> a spare.”</p>
<p>“But in the meantime, Alphie, there are appearances to keep up, as Blacks—”</p>
<p>“And yet, Cygnus doesn’t constantly badger me to cover his debts.”</p>
<p>“That’s because Cygnus married that <em>tart</em> for her money!”</p>
<p>“You disapprove of the Rosiers now? Careful, soon there will be no suitable families left to marry your sons. We can’t <em>all</em> wed our cousins, Wally.”</p>
<p>His mother made a furious, constricted noise, like the hiss of a steam train. “You corrupted, feeble-minded little fool. You foul, selfish—”</p>
<p>“Don’t work yourself up into a lather, Wally love. I’ll write you the bloody check. I just like to see you foam at the mouth a bit first.” And he sauntered off, looking amused.</p>
<p>Sirius slipped away hurriedly, not wanting to be caught in the aftermath of his mother’s rage. What’s more, his head was beginning to spin. He found refuge in the Music Room, a small, elegant chamber off the main hall. It was empty, though as festively decorated as the rest of the manor. The silver damasked walls sparkled in the reflection of a hundred hovering candles, and strings of holly were twined around the tall windows before which a grand piano was placed. Sirius sat down heavily on the piano’s bench. He was familiar with the room; he’d given many a recital here in years past. The memories of bruised fingers and the sharp prods of a governess’s wand swept over him like a tidal wave. Or maybe that was just nausea from all the liquor.</p>
<p>He glared at the piano. It was not something his friends knew much about; indeed, it was not something he advertised, but Sirius was rather musically gifted. At least, that’s what an early governess told his mother, and thus Sirius had spent the remaining years of his childhood bloodying his fingers over a violin, laboring over repetitive piano exercises for hours on end. He’d grown to hate it, but there were moments of peace in there too, moments when the governess would leave him alone, when his mother would shut up, when he could lose himself in the intricacies of the music. It was hard to describe, and Sirius felt like a proper twit when he tried, so he didn’t.</p>
<p>Glancing at the door to check that it was closed, he lifted the sleek black fall board of the piano and ran his fingers over the keys. It had been a while since he’d played, but his fingers seemed to remember more than he did, and soon he slid from the repetitions that had dictated so many hours of his childhood…to a more complicated composition…to something he’d only ever heard on the Muggle radio…the one he used to hide under his bed…back before his mother had discovered it and gone on a rampage, throwing out everything in his room that wasn’t literally stuck to the walls...</p>
<p>“That’s pretty.”</p>
<p>Sirius’s fingers leapt from the piano as though the keys had suddenly been transfigured to hot coals. He looked up to see Narcissa hovering by the door. He’d been so wrapped up in his playing that he hadn’t noticed her entrance.</p>
<p>“Is it Barkwith?” she asked, referencing one of the many Wizarding composers he’d been forced to study.</p>
<p>“The Beatles.”</p>
<p>She shut the door carefully behind her. “I don’t know what that means, but I expect I don’t want to.” His cousin sighed and sat down prettily on a velvet chaise. “Bunny Burke told me she saw you run off this way. You’re not hiding from us, are you?”</p>
<p>Sirius glared at her. “It’s not my sort of party.”</p>
<p>Narcissa gave him a sympathetic smile. She seemed to want to play nice. “You know, when Reggie said you were coming home for the holiday after all, we were all so pleased.”</p>
<p>Sirius snorted. “Relieved, more like. There are appearances to keep up, after all.”</p>
<p>“Have it your way.” She stood and strolled over to the piano, running her slender fingers along its edge. The diamond engagement ring glinted in the light of the candles. “You know, I remember when you were eight years old, and Aunt Walburga gathered everyone in here to watch you perform. You played a Barkwith piece…which was it?”</p>
<p>“<em>The Warlock’s Revenge</em>,” muttered Sirius.</p>
<p>“<em>That’s</em> right. You were stunning. We were all so impressed. Your mother was just beaming with pride. Do you remember?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” said Sirius coldly, and he did. “I remember practicing for hours and hours until my fingers were numb. I remember dear old mother twisting my wrist and telling me not to disgrace her in front of everyone—”</p>
<p>“You’re determined to make everything miserable, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>“Well, it’s not hard around here.”</p>
<p>Narcissa took a deep breath, regrouped, and tried a different tactic. “I know it must be difficult for you. I know sometimes you must feel the cards have been stacked against you, what with your Sorting—”</p>
<p>“Being sorted into Gryffindor was the best thing that ever happened to me,” Sirius snapped.</p>
<p>“So you’ve said. But surely it must get tiresome, always spoiling for a fight. Haven’t you ever wondered if things might’ve been easier, being in Slytherin like you were supposed to?”</p>
<p>Sirius didn’t respond. Of course he’d wondered about it, agonized over it. Ever since his fateful Sorting, he’d always had a vague sense of being out of place. As though, among the virtuous Gryffindors, he alone harbored a terrible secret…that there’d been a mistake after all…that he actually <em>was</em> a Slytherin, and one day they’d all find out, and James and Remus and Peter would all hate him the way they hated Snivellus.</p>
<p>What would he be today if he’d been sorted into Slytherin? Would he be out there at the party, sipping cocktails with his classmates, laughing over Muggle murders? Was that really all that separated him from his family? One fateful word from a battered old hat? One choice?</p>
<p>Like a familiar ghost, he heard the Sorting Hat whisper in his ear: <em>You already know where you belong, then?</em></p>
<p>Narcissa was watching him closely, misreading the anguished look that flashed across his face. She sat down on the bench beside him. “It doesn’t have to be like this, you know,” she said softly. “You know it doesn’t. You can still come back. Your time at Hogwarts has been…less than ideal, your alliances…unfortunate, but none of that is irreversible, don’t you see? Your position can still be salvaged.”</p>
<p>“Or what? You’ll excommunicate me like you did to Andy?”</p>
<p>Narcissa flinched. He knew she had been especially hurt by what she saw as her sister’s betrayal. “Andy had a choice too,” she said, and there was a touch of flint in her tone. “Things could’ve been…arranged. She didn’t have to run off with that Mudblood and make a whore of herself.”</p>
<p>There was a long, shuddering pause, then Narcissa asked: “Have you heard from her?”</p>
<p>“We’ve exchanged owls.” This was a lie. He’d heard nothing from Andromeda. He’d written to her a handful of times but never received a single letter in return. He’d thought she might write to him, at least, but she seemed to have cut off the entirety of the Black family as thoroughly as they had her. And Sirius, like it or not, was still a Black.</p>
<p>“Is she — is she <em>happy</em>?” asked Narcissa, and there was a note of longing in her voice.</p>
<p>“Well, she’s far away from you lot, so I expect she must be.”</p>
<p>Narcissa looked as though she’d been slapped. When she spoke, her voice was strained. “You don’t need to be cruel. I’m trying to help you. Perhaps you’re so insulated in Gryffindor that you haven’t noticed, but England is changing. The <em>world</em> is changing, Sirius. Big things are coming, and I must admit, I fear for you.”</p>
<p>Sirius stood, swaying a little, and headed for the door. He shot her a disgusted look. “Spare me.”</p>
<p>“Oh, if I could…you could be happy again, Sirius. Enough of this misfit loner misery—”</p>
<p>At this, Sirius laughed. “Happy? When have I ever been happy here? And you…Merlin, Cissy, look at you with that fat ring on your finger. You’re a prize cow to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. Are you happy?”</p>
<p>Narcissa’s sweet manner slid from her face like mud. When she spoke, her voice was icy. “Go to hell, Sirius.”</p>
<p>Sirius looked around in mock astonishment. “Aren’t I already there?”</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Okay. He was definitely drunk now, and not in a pleasant, black-out-the-next-few-hours kind of way. It was no longer only his head that was spinning, but the entirety of Black Hall. Maybe this was why the house-elves had been avoiding him. Clever buggers.</p>
<p>The twinkling fairy lights grew ever more offensive as he struggled with each step to suppress a rising swell of nausea. He didn’t want Narcissa to catch up with him, however, so he lurched down another corridor and through a heavy wooden door. He’d only made it a few steps over the threshold when the contents of his stomach erupted and he doubled over, heaving. He felt immediately better after vomiting…until he looked up.</p>
<p>His father and his Aunt Druella were standing there, staring at him with a mixture of horror and revulsion. They’d had a moment to gather themselves while Sirius retched, but there was no mistaking the tousled hair, the smear of lipstick, the flushed faces.</p>
<p>Sirius stared back at them, equally appalled. Then he straightened himself up and walked out of the room with a simple, “Ta.”</p>
<p>He had only made it a few steps down the hall, however, when he realized his father was following him. Sirius spun about, reeling for a fight, but his father grabbed him roughly by the arm and twisted it painfully.</p>
<p>“You will keep this to yourself,” he growled to his son, “if you know what’s good for you.”</p>
<p>Sirius glared at him for a moment, considering a whole slew of foul language. “Of course,” he said at last with mock civility. “Father knows best.” Then he wrenched his arm away and staggered back to the party.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“<em>There</em> you are.”</p>
<p>Sirius was suddenly aware that someone was standing next to him. He blinked. It was Regulus.</p>
<p>“Mother’s been looking for you.”</p>
<p>“The hell for?”</p>
<p>Regulus gave him a critical look, scrunching up his nose. “Are you <em>drunk</em>?”</p>
<p>“Not nearly enough,” muttered Sirius. “Sobering up by the second.”</p>
<p>Regulus shoved a glass into his hands. Sirius took an enthusiastic swig but was disappointed to discover it was merely water. “Pull yourself together,” said Regulus. “You’ve still got to be presentable for at least another hour.”</p>
<p>Sirius made a face, but he followed his brother back into the fray. A moment later, Regulus led him to a small circle of guests. His mother glared as he approached; Sirius ignored her. Uncle Alphard was there, deep in conversation with a dignified-looking wizard with muttonchop whiskers and an eyeglass. Narcissa and her fiancée Lucius Malfoy were also present, nodding along fervently with the conversation.</p>
<p>“The Ministry has long since proven itself to be committed to destroying everything for which we stand,” the whiskered wizard was saying. “One must, of course, be cautious about how one navigates the current political waters, but Eugenia Jenkins in particular—”</p>
<p>“Now, now, Abraxas,” said Alphard with a wry smile. “Planning another coup?”</p>
<p>“I am merely suggesting the pure-blood community stop passively allowing Mudblood activists to degrade our way of life.”</p>
<p>“Quite right, father,” said Lucius.</p>
<p>“Oh, I agree they’re all a bunch of blood-suckers,” said Alphard, “but politics does bore me so. What-ho, my good-for-nothing nephew!”</p>
<p>Alphard had noticed Sirius at last and pulled him into the circle, clapping him on the back. Alphard had always seemed to like his wayward nephew, though Sirius suspected this was because it irritated his mother so much. Lucius inclined his head in greeting to Sirius, who gave a mock bow in return. Narcissa shot him a nasty look, her pretty affectations of courtesy quite exhausted by their last encounter.</p>
<p>“Now here’s one who can give us the inside scoop on these Mudblood activists, Abraxas. Spends his days in the belly of the beast, so to speak. Gryffindor, what!”</p>
<p>“Alphard,” said Sirius’s mother sharply, but Alphard swatted her away like an annoying fly.</p>
<p>“Tell me, Sirius, are these blood traitors and Muggle-lovers as pernicious as dear Abraxas would have us believe? Will these moral degenerates bring an end to our way of life?”</p>
<p>Sirius chewed his tongue. “Not soon enough, if you ask me.”</p>
<p>His mother turned an exciting shade of fuchsia while Alphard let out a booming laugh. “Spirit! That’s what this one has. Oh, you can bleat about bad behavior all you want, Wally, but you can’t deny your son has the Black spirit. It’s quite the same with horses, you know. The thoroughbred foals are always the flightiest.”</p>
<p>“To return to our previous discussion—” began the older wizard stiffly.</p>
<p>“Ah, yes, the removal of Mudbloods from the Ministry. You think it prudent to pursue, Abraxas?”</p>
<p>“Indeed, I think it quite essential.”</p>
<p>“I must say I agree,” interjected Lucius. “And perhaps,” he added with a small sneer in Sirius’s direction, “we can even rid Hogwarts of its undesirables.”</p>
<p>“What’s that supposed to mean?” demanded Sirius, flaring up at once.</p>
<p>“Don’t be so rude, Sirius,” his mother snapped.</p>
<p>Lucius did not seem offended by Sirius’s tone, however. If anything, he seemed amused. “One can’t expect a schoolboy to understand such things, but the Ministry is under a lot of pressure, Sirius. These are fraught times, and our community wishes to know that something is being done to protect them. Mudbloods are, and continue to be, a political liability. Their presence poses a dangerous threat to the innocent pure-bloods around them. Look at what happened to dear Harmonia Lufkin, for instance.”</p>
<p>“Let me get this straight,” said Sirius in a low voice, his hatred as palpable as the bile in his throat. “You put on a mask, run around with your Death Eater pals and murder a bunch of people, then scapegoat the Muggle-borns out of jobs and schooling?”</p>
<p>“Sirius,” said Regulus in an urgent whisper from beside him.</p>
<p>“Baseless accusations!” barked Abraxas.</p>
<p>“You’re disgusting,” spat Sirius, his voice rising with his fury. “You and all your Death Eater friends!”</p>
<p>“Enough!” cried his mother.</p>
<p>“And you’re a fool,” said Lucius softly. “A fool who speaks of things he has no knowledge, no right—”</p>
<p>But Lucius didn’t get to finish his sentence because at that moment Sirius lunged across the space between them and punched him in the face. Narcissa screamed, Alphard laughed uproariously, and Sirius felt himself yanked backwards by his hair, his mother dragging him towards the fireplaces. “HOME,” she shrieked. “NOW.”</p>
<p>“Don’t have to tell me twice,” snarled Sirius, glancing back to look at the hall of shocked party-goers. Narcissa was dabbing frantically at Lucius’s nose with a lacy handkerchief. Sirius was pleased to see it was bleeding profusely. “BURN IN HELL, YOU EVIL TWAT,” he hollered before his mother shoved him into the emerald flames.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Sirius fell onto the hard, stone hearth of the Grimmauld Place kitchen, coughing soot. Floo Powder wasn’t the nicest way to travel in the best of circumstances, but being shoved through unprepared made the experience infinitely less comfortable.</p>
<p>A moment later, his mother’s form appeared spinning out of the grate. Sirius scrambled up, both to avoid being trampled and to prepare for the inevitable fight.</p>
<p>It began almost immediately: The moment her heeled boots hit the hearth, he could feel the rage emanating from her body like tremors before a quake. “How dare you,” she hissed, starting slowly, savoring the build-up to a good ol’ screaming match. “How dare you disgrace the name of Black in such a public manner? Have you no shame?”</p>
<p>“Oh, I have plenty of shame,” said Sirius, “but most of it’s directed at you!” And then, knowing this would infuriate her all the more, he turned on his heel and stormed up the stairs. She followed him, as he knew she would, her fury mounting with each step.</p>
<p>“You abomination, you miserable, ungrateful little wretch! How can you be so vile, so hateful, so evil—”</p>
<p>“Evil!” laughed Sirius. They were on the second landing now. “You want to talk about evil? What about you lot, sitting around in your fancy houses, sipping champagne and giggling about murdering Muggles!”</p>
<p>“You have no respect for your class, for your ancestry, for your family! I didn’t raise you to be a blood traitor, you shameful, Mudblood-loving swine!”</p>
<p>“No, you raised me to be a selfish, psychotic murderer — or at least you tried — but don’t worry, you’re doing a <em>great</em> job on Reg!”</p>
<p>“Never,” shrieked his mother, “never in ALL my life have I EVER been so HUMILIATED—”</p>
<p>“Really?” crowed Sirius, throwing caution to the wind. “Never? Not even when your husband’s caught necking the evil Aunt Dru?”</p>
<p>His mother blanched. “You liar, you foul little liar—”</p>
<p>“I saw them! I walked in on them hot and heavy with his hands all over her—”</p>
<p>WHAM.</p>
<p>His father’s fist came out of nowhere, a sharp crack of knuckles against his jaw. Sirius hadn’t even heard him come in. The punch was such a Muggle move that Sirius was tempted to deride his father, but he was distracted by the taste of iron in his mouth and the discomfiting wobble of one of his molars. He pressed a hand tenderly against his cheek and stared up at his father.</p>
<p>His father glowered back. No one spoke for a few moments, until he said, “You will apologize to your mother. You will go to your room, and you will not come out again until you are summoned. Kreacher will bring you your meals. I’ll deal with you when I’m ready.”</p>
<p>Sirius stood frozen for what felt like an eternity, his shoulders quaking with years of hatred. The metallic taste of blood seeped through his gums as he sought the right words. When they arrived, they surprised even him.</p>
<p>“And what if I say no?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>D:</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Potter House</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  
</p>
<h1>JAMES</h1><hr/><h2>Potter House</h2><p>Snow was falling in soft sweeps over England, twinkling against the windows of little town shops, settling in a hush over fields and oast houses. Across the Cotswolds, night and snow cloaked the countryside in a heavy, silent sleep. In the northern wing of Potter House, however, a light flickered in the window.</p><p>The light was cast from a single candle, burning on stoically through the late hours. Wax dripped down its vanishing taper, puddling in the cup of its candlestick, spilling over the edge onto the desk. The desk in question was a vision of disarray: Reams of parchment covered its surface, pages and pages all scribbled and scratched out. A teacup tottered perilously atop a stack of books, the crumbs of a half-eaten cauldron cake scattered across the spread. The corner of a small, square mirror peeked out from beneath the piles of parchment, the faint glow of candlelight flickering in its reflection.</p><p>Atop this whole tableau slumped James Potter, his arm sprawled across the clutter, forehead pressed to elbow, glasses askew, lips slightly parted in sleep. An ink-tipped quill was still clutched in one hand, tickling his nose. Just visible under his elbow were the words: <em>Parsons’ Theory of Transmutation: A Philosophical Exploration.</em></p><p>He’d been at this for days — nights, really. The essay wasn’t schoolwork; he had his own reasons for composing it, and it brought him a surprising amount of satisfaction to do so. In other situations, he might’ve been embarrassed by this ardent bout of swotting, but as it was, there was no one around to judge him — and nothing else to do. You couldn’t play Snow Quidditch by yourself.</p><p>So, after his parents went to bed (his father’s worrying cough reverberating down through the halls), James would go to the good old library, select a stack of books, and return to his room to get to work.</p><p>In the present moment, however, James was not thinking about Parson’s theory of transmutation in the slightest. Instead, he was engaged in a very nice dream in which he scored the winning point of the Quidditch final and Anson Nott fell off his broomstick. His dreamy victory, however, was interrupted by a sharp, loud rap on the door.</p><p>James jolted awake, nearly upsetting the teacup. He blinked against the candlelight, steadying the cup and looking around with the confusion common to the accidentally asleep. The rapping quickly repeated itself. Then, a squeaky voice called, “Master James?”</p><p>James rubbed his bleary eyes. “Yeah, Pixie?”</p><p>The Potters’ small house-elf ducked into the room, looking anxious.</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>“There’s someone here to see you, Master James.”</p><p>“To see me…?” He stared blankly at the elf. “At this hour?”</p><p>The elf nodded fervently. “Yes, Master James. He’s very upset, and he won’t come inside.”</p><p>James’s sleepy mind was still having a hard time catching up, but he stood nonetheless, hastily threw on his bathrobe, and hurried down the large, spiraled stairs. He crossed the flagstone entrance and pushed open the heavy doors of Potter House. Icy air rushed to greet him. Standing there, hugging himself against the swirling snow and staring up at the moon was…</p><p>“Sirius?”</p><p>He looked horrible. His snow-drenched hair clung to his brow, barely concealing a dark crimson line of clotted blood. The shadowy purple of a fresh bruise stained his jaw. But the worst was his expression: wide-eyed, lost, desolate.</p><p>Wrapping his bathrobe tighter against the cold, James tried again: “Sirius.”</p><p>Sirius’s eyes locked on his own, and for a moment there was a flash of panic there that James did not understand. Then his friend said with effort, “I didn’t…know…where else to go.”</p><p>“Come inside,” said James.</p><p>But Sirius didn’t move. “I ran away, James. For good. I left, and my mother said ‘if you walk out that door, don’t ever come back,’ and I did — I left.”</p><p>“Okay,” said James, and he took note of the rucksack flung at his friend’s feet. He realized with horror that tears were leaking out of Sirius’s eyes. He’d never seen his friend cry before. “Come inside, Sirius.”</p><p>“I didn’t know where else to go,” he repeated, gazing at James as though asking for redemption.</p><p>James couldn’t think of what to say, so he didn’t say anything. He stepped out over the snow-covered threshold and threw his arms around his friend, pulling him into an embrace. For half a moment, Sirius stood rigid and surprised, then he collapsed into him, his shoulders shuddering, the faintest echo of a sob escaping his lips.</p><p>Sirius pulled away first, wiping at his face with the back of his hand. “Fucking hell,” he muttered.</p><p>James grabbed Sirius’s rucksack and slung it over his shoulder. “Come on,” he said. “It’s freezing out here.” This time, Sirius followed. “Pixie,” James said, and the elf who had been hovering by the stairs scurried forth. He handed her the rucksack. “Take this up to the blue room, will you? The one across from mine. Thanks.”</p><p>The elf disappeared with a crack as James lead Sirius past the stairs and through the door to the kitchen where a large cast iron cooker kept the room cozy and warm. He directed Sirius to the table and pointed at the chair closest to the heat.</p><p>“Sit,” he said, and Sirius sat.</p><p>James put the kettle on, then collected a tub of healing salve from the cupboard. He sat down next to Sirius, unscrewed the lid, sniffed it, and nodded in approval. But when he reached towards his friend, Sirius flinched away. “Don’t bother,” he said. “It’s nothing.”</p><p>“Shut up,” James advised him, and Sirius sat silently while James cleaned and healed the cut. “How’d it happen?”</p><p>Sirius shrugged. “My mother threw a snuffbox at me. She usually misses.” He let out a humorless laugh. “To be fair, she might’ve been aiming for my father this time.”</p><p>“And this?” James dabbed the salve at the bruise on his jaw. Sirius flushed slightly and looked away. “Right,” said James, a cold, hard fury churning in his gut. He wanted to do a hundred different things at once. He wanted to rage, to scream, to curse, to jump on his broomstick and fly over to London and — but with an effort, he shoved those desires aside, because he knew they wouldn’t do Sirius any good.</p><p>He leaned back in his chair and observed the miserable boy beside him. They’d been friends for nearly five years, but everything James knew about Sirius’s home life had been guessed, and he was beginning to realize that perhaps he’d missed the mark. He’d known it was bad, but this…Sirius had never told him about — about <em>physical</em> things. He’d never told him that his mother throwing a snuffbox at his head was a usual enough occurrence to accumulate statistics. He’d never told him…anything.</p><p>“Right,” said James again, collecting himself. “You’re not going back there. Ever.”</p><p>Sirius scrubbed a hand over his exhausted face. “Don’t know where I’m going to go.”</p><p>“You live here now.”</p><p>Sirius's eyes widened slightly as he stared at him. Then he shook his head. “No, I just need some time to figure out—”</p><p>“What’s there to figure out? You live here.”</p><p>“I — I can’t ask that.”</p><p>James scoffed. “You’re not asking, I’m telling. You’re not going back there. You’re not camping out at the Leaky Cauldron. You — live — here.”</p><p>“What about your parents?”</p><p>“What about them? They won’t care, they like you. Besides, it’s a big house. It needs more people living in it, if you ask me.”</p><p>The kettle whistled.</p><p>James stood and clasped his hands together. “That’s settled, then. Moving on. Hot chocolate or tea?”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>A short while later Sirius had cheered considerably — James suspected being thawed out probably helped — but he still had that lingering air of embarrassment. James understood, even if he thought it was stupid. Sirius was as bad as Remus on this front. Neither of them could bear asking for help. That was all right, of course, because James had long since mastered the trick to dealing with this particular strand of obstinacy: Tell them what to do, and don’t take no for an answer.</p><p>Which is why Sirius was currently sitting at his kitchen table with a steaming mug of hot chocolate.</p><p>“How’d you get here, anyway?” asked James.</p><p>Sirius traced a finger around the lip of his mug. “After I took off, I transformed into my Animagus and spent about an hour just wandering around London as a dog. So they couldn’t follow me, see. I had half a mind to go to the Leaky Cauldron, but I didn’t want them to try and find me and that would be the first place they’d look. I’ve pulled that stunt before. Then I remembered about the Knight Bus and thankfully I had a bit of gold on me, so I hopped on. The conductor’s a nosy bastard though, so I told him to drop me in Chipping Sodbury, and I walked the rest of the way here.”</p><p>“You <em>walked</em>?” said James in disbelief. “That’s miles away.”</p><p>“S’not so bad as a dog. Besides, I didn’t—”</p><p>“—want them to follow you. Yeah.” James suspected that if the Blacks really wanted to find him, Potter House would be one of the first places they’d look, but he did not voice this opinion out loud.</p><p>“I didn’t know where else to go,” said Sirius, yet again.</p><p>“I’m glad you came here.”</p><p>Sirius stared at the table for a long moment until at last he said in a very quiet voice: “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“For what?” said James, bewildered.</p><p>“You know. How I acted before the holiday. At school. The stuff I said.”</p><p>James shook his head. “I don’t care about that. And I wasn’t angry, I was just — worried about you.”</p><p>“Yeah, well. You were right. I never should’ve gone back. You can say ‘I told you so’ if you’d like.”</p><p>“No need,” said James cheerfully. “It was already heavily implied.”</p><p>Sirius almost smiled.</p><p>James hesitated. Talking to Sirius about his family was always delicate, but then, there’d never be a better time. “I do know that you already have a brother,” he said. “I was never trying to—”</p><p>Sirius cut him off. “He’s not my brother. They’re not my family. Any of them. They’re dead to me, and I’m sure as hell dead to them.”</p><p>“You don’t think—”</p><p>“Trust me,” said Sirius fervently. “Dear old mummy is blasting me off the family tree as we speak. Literally. There’s an old tapestry she keeps in the drawing room, and she burns relatives’ names off when they irritate her.”</p><p>“Well,” said James. “That’s…completely bonkers.”</p><p>“That’s dear, sweet mummy.”</p><p>There was another pause as both boys took a long sip of hot chocolate.</p><p>“So,” said James, “do you want to tell me what actually happened tonight?”</p><p>Sirius ran a hand through his still-damp hair. “What’s there to tell? They’re evil, the lot of ‘em.” He stared into the depths of his hot chocolate, thinking. “I’ve been to sixteen of those Christmas parties in my life. Sixteen years of towing the line, of sipping champagne and listening to my horrible, hypocritical cousins prattle on about politics and pure-blood mania and their tiny, hateful lives, and I just — I don’t know, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t stand there quietly and listen to them talk about—”</p><p>Sirius’s voice shook slightly, anger threatening to overwhelm him again. He stopped to compose himself. James remained silent. Though he generally made a point to fill any quiet moment with his own banter, James was more rather perceptive to the needs of his friends than he got credit for. He understood that in this moment Sirius needed to talk, to get it out. So James sat quietly and let him.</p><p>“Regulus thinks that I’ve been brainwashed. Or rather, <em>Cissy</em> thinks that I’ve been brainwashed and Reg thinks whatever Cissy tells him to. I’d say the same of him, if I thought he had half a brain to wash.”</p><p>He brooded for a moment, swishing the hot chocolate in his mug.</p><p>“Brainwashed,” muttered Sirius, more to himself than to James. “Maybe that’s the right word for it after all. Maybe my brain <em>has</em> been washed — washed clean of all the filth they filled it with for years. And Reg is just like them. He’s dying to prove he’s just like them and nothing like me. So I won’t waste my breath on him anymore. I mean, how do you reconcile with a person who thinks Death Eaters are <em>neat</em>? How do you find common ground with someone who celebrates what they’re doing out there? How do you share a planet with these people, let alone a dinner table?”</p><p>“I don’t know,” said James quietly.</p><p>“Clearly, I don’t either,” said Sirius, “as I ended the evening by punching Lucius Malfoy in the face.”</p><p>James stared at him, then he burst out laughing. “You did what?”</p><p>“It’s not actually funny,” said Sirius.</p><p>“Yeah, it is,” cackled James.</p><p>The sound of James’s laughter seemed to thaw Sirius more effectively than the cooker, and a rueful grin appeared on his face. “Yeah…I guess it is.”</p><p>“What did he do? That smarmy old bastard. Did he cry? Please tell me he cried.”</p><p>“He didn’t cry,” said Sirius.</p><p>“Oh, you’re no fun,” complained James. “Embellish a bit.”</p><p>“Narcissa probably cried. Anyway, I didn’t get to see what happened next because dear old mummy shoved me through the floo.”</p><p>And began the confrontation that ended with his friend’s face all black and blue and bloody, thought James darkly. Not knowing what else to say, James turned to an old standby: “Are you hungry?”</p><p>Sirius shook his head.</p><p>“Are you sure? Because Pixie can whip something up in a flash.”</p><p>“Nah, I’m all right,” said Sirius. “I ate at the party.”</p><p>James was about to point out that the party had been hours ago and any decently-constituted young man would be starving by now…but then he recalled how he’d felt the morning of the last Quidditch match and concluded that there were some things in life — not many, but <em>some</em> — that could disrupt even the sturdiest appetite.</p><p>“All right,” said James. “Well, I’m knackered. Shall we turn in?”</p><p>Sirius agreed and James led him up the stairs and through the corridor. “Your room’s here, the bath is just down the hall. Pixie will have put out a new toothbrush and such. Do you need anything else?”</p><p>Sirius shook his head. “Listen, James…” He hesitated, apparently floundering for words. “Thanks,” he finally managed.</p><p>James considered him, then rolled his eyes. “You prat. I’ve only been trying to kidnap you for four years now. I’m not going to complain you’ve done the job for me.” He clapped him on the back. “Go get some sleep. And Sirius…”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>James glanced at his watch and grinned. “Happy Christmas.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A chapter about running away from bigots and finding solace in your found family feels appropriate this week for some reason. 🤔</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. The Runaway</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/>
<p>
  
</p><h1>SIRIUS</h1>
<hr/>
<h2>The Runaway</h2>
<p>“Sirius, please—” </p>
<p>It was dark. Everything around him was dark as he hurried down the never-ending spiral stairs into the depths of Grimmauld Place. Down and down and down he went, but he never reached anything but infinite black.</p>
<p>“I tried, all right?” Sirius hollered into the nothingness. “I can’t stay here.”</p>
<p>“Please don’t do this.” The voice floated towards him as though from a far-off tunnel, vague and ghostly.</p>
<p>“Take care of yourself, baby brother. And don’t — don’t be an idiot.” </p>
<p>Down and down and down…</p>
<p>“Please…SIRIUS!”</p>
<p>In that vague, inexplicable way that dreams end, Sirius became aware that he was sleeping. He knew all he had to do was open his eyes and the peculiar dream would vanish, but he didn’t want to wake up. He didn’t want to see Kreacher hovering over him, to hear his mother shouting from the hall…</p>
<p>“Sirius…”</p>
<p>The voice echoed even across the dark void of sleep. </p>
<p>“Sirius!”</p>
<p>“Can’t,” he moaned, pressing his face deeper into the crevices of his pillow.</p>
<p>“Sirius, get up, mate. It’s Christmas!”</p>
<p>Sirius blinked and rolled over. James was perched on the edge of his bed, clearly exercising every morsel of self-restraint he possessed not to rip off the bedcovers. Sirius peered around the room — walls covered in soft blue paper, windows draped in rich satin curtains — and the memories of the night before swept over him. He was at Potter House. He’d run away from home.</p>
<p>He’d actually done it.</p>
<p>
  <em>Please don’t do this…</em>
</p>
<p>“Well, come on,” said James impatiently. “Presents!”</p>
<p>Sirius peered over the edge to see that there was indeed a pile of packages at the foot of his bed. Next to it was a slightly larger pile; James had evidently carried in his own haul and dropped them on the rug. He settled himself happily next to the hoard.</p>
<p>Sirius gawked at him. “How the hell did you—”</p>
<p>“One very enterprising little elf,” said James with a grin. “House elf that is. Pixie’s a gem.”</p>
<p>Sirius laughed and joined James on the floor, able for at least another few moments to ignore the conflicting emotions hammering about in his head.</p>
<p>
  <em>Sirius, please…</em>
</p>
<p>Peter had given them each a large box of assorted sweets from Honeydukes, which they wasted no time devouring. Sirius had a good roaring laugh when he opened James’s gift, which was a large dog’s collar and a chew toy. “You know,” he said, chucking the chew toy at James’s head, “if anyone ever finds out about this, they’re going think we’re having kinky sex.”</p>
<p>“Wait, you mean we’re not? Hell, that’s embarrassing…”</p>
<p>They both got to Remus’s gifts at the same time.</p>
<p>Sirius sniffed it. “Book?”</p>
<p>“Definitely a book.”</p>
<p>Sirius opened it. It was a book. But as he peeled back the paper he realized it was a <em>Muggle</em> book: <em>The Complete British Motorcycle</em>, a glossy photo-book with page after pages of the brilliant, beautiful mechanical beasts. He dove into it, immediately absorbed, barely listening to James’s happy rambles about some Quidditch-related tome, the last echoes of his dream finally forgotten.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Mum, dad, look what Santa brought me!” </p>
<p>James bounded happily through the door to the kitchen where Mr. and Mrs. Potter were breakfasting. Sirius followed him in somewhat sheepishly, unsure what his reception would be. He didn’t like to think how <em>his</em> mother would respond to a run-away teenager showing up in the middle of the night with no warning.</p>
<p>But Mrs. Potter merely smiled at them warmly and said, “How nice, dear. Come have some breakfast. Sirius, darling, we’re so happy to see you.” And then she kissed him on the cheek. </p>
<p>Sirius had to assume that James had already informed his parents of Sirius’s arrival. Or perhaps nearly sixteen years of parenting James Potter meant simply accepting whatever breakfast threw at you with a vague, “How nice, dear,” and an extra cup of tea.</p>
<p>Sirius had been to Potter House before, but it seemed like a lifetime ago, and he was struck anew with how <em>informal</em> it all was. The table had been set for breakfast, sure — they had a house elf, after all — but the china was mismatched and the spoons different sizes, and no one seemed to mind. The Potters, Sirius knew, were very wealthy. He had heard others (namely his cousins) refer to them as ‘new money,’ and he was sure James had heard this too, but James never seemed too bothered by the accusation. It had probably never even occurred to him to be bothered by it. James had never put much stock in arbitrary social distinctions, and besides, the money wasn’t new to <em>him</em>.</p>
<p>But regardless of James’s indifference, Sirius thought this particular label was probably incorrect. Mr. Potter may have made his fortune somewhat recently with Sleakeazy’s, but there was nothing new about Potter House. It was, in every sense of the word, an old place. Far older than Grimmauld Place and certainly older than flashy wanna-be-ancestral Black Hall. </p>
<p>While Grimmauld Place strove to assert its ancientness with generations of aged portraits and the finest fifteenth-century goblin-wrought silver, Potter House didn’t have to. Its oldness was present in the threadbare carpets that no one had bothered to replace for generations because, well, they still had a bit of life in them, eh? It was present in the mud-splattered Wellingtons carelessly tossed next to an antique demi-lune table by the door. It was present in the preponderance of unused rooms in the enormous house, stuffed to the brim with old furniture covered in dust sheets, while the family lived primarily in the kitchen, the drawing room, and the garden. And it was present at the breakfast table, where the ancient-looking Mr. Potter sat spreading butter thickly on his toasted fruit loaf.</p>
<p>“A very happy Christmas to you both,” he said cheerfully as the boys sat down. Mr. Potter was tall and thin, slightly bent, his skin wrinkled and spotted with age. A sparse thatch of gray hair hovered over a balding pate and silver-rimmed specs danced on an ever-amused face. Mrs. Potter — slightly younger but still quite old for a mum — stood straighter than her husband, with a long face and a long nose framed by a sensible gray bob. Both of them radiated a sort of happiness you couldn’t fake, a general sense of contentment with life, so that their very presence was soothing — far from the pent-up war zone that was the Black family breakfast table.</p>
<p>“Oh, we’ve got gnomes in the garden again,” said Mrs. Potter, glancing out the window as she stirred sugar into a cup of tea. “How tiresome. Pixie can’t keep up with them, poor dear. I’ll have to see if Dottie can stop by again. She’s so good with the garden.”</p>
<p>“Don’t see why you mind so much, darling,” said Mr. Potter with a slight wheeze. “They’re not bothering anything. You know, in Iceland they think they’re good luck.”</p>
<p>“Nonsense,” said Mrs. Potter. “And they’re pulling up my rhododendrons, look.”</p>
<p>Mr. Potter turned to James and Sirius. “Did I ever tell you about the time I helped de-gnome the royal gardens in Bangkok? It was 1929 and—”</p>
<p>“Dad, you’ve told this story a hundred times.”</p>
<p>“I haven’t heard it,” said Sirius, and Mr. Potter happily dove into his tale. James rolled his eyes, but Sirius could tell he enjoyed his father’s stories, no matter how many times he’d heard them before. And Mr. Potter had a lot of stories. It seemed like he’d traveled everywhere. He told them at length about his post-Hogwarts adventures to the Middle East, and the time he and a friend embarked on a whirlwind tour around the globe. </p>
<p>“You boys must do that when you graduate,” Mr. Potter told them. “An absolute must for any young person, yes, yes.”</p>
<p>After breakfast, Mr. Potter disappeared for a while. James’s mother said he’d retired for a little nap, but he did not return until dinner time. Christmas dinner was a fabulous feast of roast goose and stuffing, sprouts and parsnips, mince pies, and a beautiful figgy pudding. </p>
<p>It was without a doubt the happiest Christmas Sirius had ever spent, and the rest of the holiday was just as pleasant. Mr. Potter tired quickly, and Mrs. Potter often went to bed quite early as well, so James and Sirius spent the evenings by the fire playing exploding snap with a new deck they’d gotten from the Christmas crackers, or holed up in James’s room plotting their future adventures now that they were both Animagi.</p>
<p>“I don’t get why Remus is being so weird about it,” James said one evening as they discussed the upcoming full moon. </p>
<p>Sirius shrugged. “I guess it’s sort of private.”</p>
<p>“But — we’ve lived in the same dorm for almost five years. We’ve all walked in on each other wanking, what can be so awful about being a werewolf? I mean, he’s seen <em>us</em> transform.”</p>
<p>Sirius thought James was being woefully naive, but he just shrugged again. “Well, it’s Moony, isn’t it? The boy got dressed in the toilet every morning until third year.”</p>
<p>James munched on a handful of sugared almonds as he considered this. Then he said, “Do you think Pete will ever pull it off?”</p>
<p>“Doubt it. He’s in a bit over his head.”</p>
<p>“It’ll be awful hard on him if he can’t.”</p>
<p>“He’ll live,” said Sirius, who didn’t have much patience for Peter’s ineptitudes. James began to began to polish his broomstick with a service kit his dad had given him. Sirius, who had once again reached the end of <em>The Complete British Motorcycle</em>, glanced around his friend’s room for something else to peruse. His gaze fell on a large stack of parchment on James’s desk. He stood and examined it with interest. The pages were covered in James’s tidy handwriting with sections crossed out and little notes all along the margins.</p>
<p>“What’s all this?” Sirius asked, gesturing at the mess of parchment.</p>
<p>James glanced up at him, then shrugged and returned his attention to the broomstick. “Just some scribbles,” he said, unusually cagey.</p>
<p>“<em>Parsons’ Theory of Transmutation: A Philosophical Exploration</em>,” Sirius read, bemused. “How very academic of you.”</p>
<p>“I was bored,” said James with a slightly defensive tone. “And besides, I know more about Transfiguration than most of those idiots with books. <em>We</em> actually became Animagi, instead of just writing about it…”</p>
<p>Intrigued, Sirius flipped through the pages of parchment. “I’m not taking the piss, mate, I’m just interested.”</p>
<p>“Oh,” said James, sounding somewhat mollified. “Yeah, well, Parsons was the one who believed that all magic is derived from Transfiguration. That it’s the most natural state of magic. Because everything changes, right?”</p>
<p>“Earth is stone and stone is dust and dust will fly,” intoned Sirius.</p>
<p>“Precisely,” said James. “On the whole, his theory is pretty controversial, but I like it. It makes sense.”</p>
<p>“Mmm,” said Sirius. He examined the papers some more, fascinated by his friend’s diligence. James always did well in school, but he had never struck Sirius as a particularly eager academic. He liked learning magic for what it allowed him to accomplish: to win a duel, to show off in class, to become an illegal Animagus to help their werewolf friend…</p>
<p>“If you don’t mind me asking,” said Sirius, “what prompted you to write a whole essay on it?”</p>
<p>“Like I said, I was bored,” said James. “And — I dunno, I thought I might ship it off and see if I can’t get it published in <em>Transfiguration Today</em> or something. Thought it’d be good to show old McGee in case she gets curious as to what exactly I did with the information from <em>The Infallible Animagus</em>. Purely theoretical, see?”</p>
<p>Sirius smirked to himself as he returned the parchment to the desk. He had other theories for James’s sudden interest in academia, but he kept them to himself and returned for the hundredth time to <em>The Complete British Motorcycle</em> while James began to trim the tail-twigs of his broomstick.</p>
<p>“Oh, look at that one,” sighed Sirius, holding up the book to show James the photograph of a particularly handsome bike. James had never quite understood Sirius’s fascination with motorbikes, but Sirius put up with a lot of Quidditch talk that didn’t entirely interest him, so James had the tact to feign enthusiasm. “A bike like that,” Sirius said, “is what the experts call a ‘babe magnet.’”</p>
<p>“Like you need the help,” said James, a tad petulantly. “Girls already fall all over you.”</p>
<p>Sirius regarded his friend with some amusement. “You know, I think you’re doing better in that department than you give yourself credit for.”</p>
<p>“What’s that supposed to mean?”</p>
<p>“It means, Alodie Blunt has been making moon eyes at you for a month. Are you honestly telling me you haven’t noticed?”</p>
<p>“<em>Alodie</em>?”</p>
<p>“She’s hot,” said Sirius dispassionately. “I mean, I wouldn’t date her, but that’s because I don’t date pure-bloods. Too much of a chance we’re related.”</p>
<p>James snorted.</p>
<p>“What,” said Sirius, “have you got your eye on someone else?”</p>
<p>“No,” said James, a little too quickly.</p>
<p>Sirius raised an eyebrow.</p>
<p>“I don’t!”</p>
<p>“Okay. Just asking.”</p>
<p>James went back to clipping his broomstick. After a brief pause, he said, “I’m not sure Alodie is my type.”</p>
<p>“Don’t you have to date at least one girl before you can develop a ‘type’?”</p>
<p>“I could have a type!”</p>
<p>“Is that type redhead with the temper of an insulted hippogriff?” snickered Sirius, and to his surprise, James actually went a little pink.</p>
<p>“Pshh,” said James. “Yeah, right.”</p>
<p>Sirius's grin broadened. “Hey, rumor has it Evans is into you.”</p>
<p>“Rumor <em>had</em> it, mate, years ago. Old news. Besides, she’s dating that idiot Seeker from Ravenclaw…Acorn Nut, or whatever his name is.” James picked sullenly at the tail of his broomstick. “Not that I care.”</p>
<p>“So she likes Quidditch players. That’s a point in your favor, eh?”</p>
<p>“Will you drop it?” said James, suddenly touchy. “I definitely don’t want to date Lily Evans.”</p>
<p>“All right.”</p>
<p>“I mean, Merlin, that’d be like swapping saliva with Snivellus. Can you imagine?”</p>
<p>“Really didn’t want to, thanks.”</p>
<p>James began to laugh. “I’d probably have to go on double dates with him. There’s an image. ‘Lily, dear, will you pass me a scone? Snivellus, darling, do tell us all about that lovely cat you skinned for your latest dark ritual, won’t you? Is it true about the blood of virgins, or is that just a myth? If yes, can you do us all a favor and sacrifice yourself?’”</p>
<p>Sirius was laughing now too. “Bullshit. To go on a double date, Snape would have to have a date in the first place.”</p>
<p>“Valid point,” conceded James. “Still, and I want to be clear here: Eugh.”</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Sirius had spent every school holiday of his life longing for it to end, so it came as a bit of a surprise to him when several days after the new year (“Nineteen-seventy-six!” James had cried, pumping his fist into the air as though this was something special), it was time to go back to school.</p>
<p>Mrs. Potter accompanied them both to the station, and as they stepped through the barrier to Platform 9 3/4, Sirius suddenly felt a fresh wave of anxiety. For one thing, he needed to say thank you to Mrs. Potter for, well, everything, but he didn’t know how. Especially not with James standing there babbling away. And the other thing…he was terrified of running into his family on the platform.</p>
<p>“Let’s just get on the train quickly, can we?” he muttered to James, who understood at once. </p>
<p>“All right, mum, must be off,” said James, kissing his mother on the cheek and turning purposefully towards the scarlet steam engine.</p>
<p>“Have a good term, darling. Sirius, dear, may I have a word?”</p>
<p>“Mum, we’ve got to get on the train.”</p>
<p>“You go on, darling, I want a quick word with Sirius.”</p>
<p>“<em>Mum</em>…”</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Sirius told James. “Go ahead.” He couldn’t exactly refuse after everything the Potters had done for him.</p>
<p>James shrugged and took off, throwing a suspicious glance back over his shoulder as he went. Sirius shifted uncomfortably, waiting for Mrs. Potter to speak. A solemn look had overtaken her features, which made him nervous. In Sirius’s experience with adults, that never boded well.</p>
<p>“James told me what happened on Christmas Eve, dear.”</p>
<p>Sirius looked at his feet, his cheeks hot. He knew James had told his parents, or at least he’d suspected he had. He could almost hear the indignation in James’s voice: “They <em>hit</em> him, mum!”</p>
<p>Mrs. Potter went on: “I’m so terribly sorry. For this Christmas and for everything you’ve had to deal with over the years. But I’m very glad that you got out of there and away from that…<em>mother</em> of yours.” She said the word ‘mother’ like she’d originally intended quite a different word in its place. Sirius glanced up at her, surprised. “I know Walburga,” said Mrs. Potter darkly. “She was briefly engaged to a cousin of mine, as a matter of fact. I say briefly because he ran off and married a Muggle instead.”</p>
<p>Sirius’s jaw dropped. He quickly picked it back up.</p>
<p>Mrs. Potter smiled rather wickedly. “Yes, I don’t suppose she’s ever told you that. It was a terrible scandal at the time. One from which I gather she’s never quite recovered. But never mind old gossip…what I mean to tell you is that I think you’re very brave for standing up to your family. It takes incredible courage to grow up to be someone different than who our parents want us to be. I’m very proud of you, Sirius.”</p>
<p>“Erm…thanks,” muttered Sirius, looking anywhere but at Mrs. Potter. “And, er, thanks for letting me…you know…stay with you…”</p>
<p>Mrs. Potter laid a hand on his shoulder. “You’re always welcome, darling. And I’ll be here at the end of term to pick you up for the summer holidays. Off you go then. Study hard for your O.W.L.s!” And she sent him on his way with brisk pat on the back.</p>
<p>Sirius staggered towards the train feeling slightly overwhelmed. He climbed aboard to find James waiting for him.</p>
<p>“What was that about?”</p>
<p>Sirius shook his head. “Just your typical Potter pep-talk.” </p>
<p>James snorted. “Sounds about right.” And he led the way through the crowds of students towards their usual compartment. When they reached it, Peter and Remus were both already inside talking animatedly about something. James slid the door open and entered with theatric greetings. Sirius looked at his three friends, his hand on the compartment door’s latch. He’d have to tell them all what happened at some point. Or maybe he’d let James do it. James was better at that sort of thing.</p>
<p>Sirius didn’t know what made him look around, but the very moment he did, he regretted it. For at the other end of the train’s corridor, staring at him wide-eyed and pale-faced, was his brother.</p>
<p>Sirius opened his mouth, then shut it again, not knowing what to say. Regulus stared a second longer, then turned sharply and all but ran the other way. Sirius remained frozen, an echo in his head, fading like an out-of-tune radio…</p>
<p>
  <em>Sirius, please…</em>
</p>
<p>“You coming, mate?”</p>
<p>“What? Oh, yeah.”</p>
<p>Then he stepped into the compartment and slid the door shut.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I don't have anything specific to say about this chapter, I just want to offer a virtual hug to anyone who needs it. The past few days have been ROUGH. I know I'm not the only one struggling right now. I hope you're doing okay. I love you. 💔</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. The Rat's Tale</h2></a>
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</p><h1>PETER</h1><hr/><h2>The Rat's Tale</h2><p>Peter Pettigrew was feeling depressed. It was January, the full moon was only a few weeks away, and he was the only one of his friends who was not yet a proper Animagus.</p><p>It hadn’t surprised him that Sirius and James had pulled it off first. They were brilliant in a way that Peter knew he was not. There was no point being precious about it: Peter knew he wasn’t as talented as his friends. It wasn’t like anyone ever let him forget it. So he had expected they would get it first and welcomed all the help they’d given him throughout the process. But enough was enough. There was nothing else they could do to help him now. It was all on him.</p><p><em>Go on,</em> he goaded himself. <em>Prove you’re good enough to be a Marauder.</em></p><p>It was Wednesday morning of the first week back from the Christmas holidays and, judging by the snores that filled the quiet dormitory, his friends were still asleep. James might be up — he was stupid about mornings, always getting up early and running off to do things. Peter generally slept as late as possible, but in an entirely uncharacteristic bout of insomnia, he’d risen with the birds. So instead he sat cross-legged on his bed, eyes shut, trying to bend his mind into something else.</p><p>Something it very much did not want to bend into.</p><p>Peter thought meditation was rubbish. It was very hard to not think about anything, especially as Peter had lots of things to think about. He had a few reservations about this whole 'become Animagi and cavort with a werewolf' plan. For one thing, it was illegal. And for another, he wasn't convinced James and Sirius had really thought it all through.</p><p>Peter was always a little scared of Remus when he saw him after the full moon. Last month the boy had returned with a deep gouge along the side of his face, carved right up to his brow. Peter had once sliced his hand with a knife while dicing a salamander tail for Potions, and Madam Pomfrey had healed it in seconds. He'd asked James why she couldn't do the same for Remus.</p><p>“Cursed wounds, aren’t they?” James had said knowledgeably. “Werewolf scratches don’t heal properly.”</p><p>It wasn’t Remus’s fault, Peter understood that, but it still frightened him to think that his friend had done all of that to himself — that he <em>became</em> something that did that. What might he do to Peter?</p><p>But these troubles paled in comparison to his One Big Fear: transforming into an Animagus. What if he did it wrong? What if he got stuck in the form of an animal, or half-way between, or lost his mind entirely? He’d read the books. He’d seen the catastrophes.</p><p>Or maybe worse still: What if he actually pulled it off but became something utterly useless like a bug or — oh Merlin — a whale? What if he was just sitting in the dormitory one night, trying to meditate and do the stupid non-verbal-wandless-magic thingy, and all of a sudden he turned into a giant whale, all blubber and fins spilling out the doors and down the stairs? They’d have to magic him out of the tower. He’d have to go live in the lake with the giant squid. Oh, there goes poor Peter the whale, they’d say, toss him your toast, what a pathetic —</p><p>Oh, right. Nothing. He was supposed to be thinking about nothing.</p><p>He wriggled his nose in discomfort and tried to focus on Remus’s snoring instead. Remus was terrible about snoring, but the worst part was he didn’t believe any of them when they told him about it. He’d sit there, very tall and dignified and insist it must’ve been Sirius. Sirius <em>did</em> snore, but nothing like Remus’s great grumbles.</p><p>Somewhere in the distance, an owl hooted. Peter started in fright then scurried under the covers, burrowing away from the — wait, what?</p><p>His eyes darted here and there; the world beneath his sheets suddenly seemed much larger, and he much, much smaller. He craned his neck to get a glimpse of himself. Little paws, long tail…oh sweet Merlin, <em>he’d done it.</em></p><p>His heart was beating impossibly fast, his mind racing, and he was suddenly very aware of thin, delicate whiskers that threaded along his cheeks. He sniffed.</p><p>Okay, okay…he still had his mind. He was still Peter. That part had gone all right. And he wasn’t a whale! He was…a rat.</p><p>Huh.</p><p>Before he could ruminate on this with his chirping, spinning mind, he heard Sirius’s voice call from behind the bed hangings: “What the hell is Peter doing? He’s going to make us miss breakfast.”</p><p>“Wake him up, then,” came James’s careless reply.</p><p>Peter supposed he must have spaced out while meditating…he wondered what time it was, but he could hardly check his watch like this, so he concentrated all his energy on his human form, just like the books had said, and…and…nothing happened.</p><p>“Oi, Peter!” Sirius called. “Get up, you great sloth.”</p><p>Peter tried again to transform back. And again, and again, and again…</p><p>
  <em>Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no, no…</em>
</p><p>It was his worst nightmare realized. He couldn’t do it. He was stuck — he was stuck as a rat.</p><p>Just then, Sirius threw open the bed hangings. He loomed larger than life before Peter’s small, beady rat-eyes. “Wha — he’s not here,” said Sirius, frowning.</p><p>“What do you mean he’s not here? He never left.”</p><p>“I mean, he’s not here. Look, the bed’s empt—arrgh! Why’s there a rat under his pillow?”</p><p>Peter squeaked desperately.</p><p>“A rat?” said James, and then he too appeared, squinting down at him.</p><p>“Are you all coming or what?” Remus’s voice floated from the stairwell.</p><p>“You don’t think…” said James slowly, leaning forward to investigate Peter the rat.</p><p>“Hang on, Remus!” called Sirius. “Pete’s pulled a vanishing act.”</p><p>“What?” Remus came hurrying into view. “What do you mean he’s — why is there a rat —?”</p><p>“Exactly,” said James with a knowing nod. “Peter?” he asked tentatively. “Is that you?”</p><p><em>Yes! Yes, it’s me, I’m stuck, help, help, help!</em> Peter tried to say, but of course all that came out was frantic squeaking.</p><p>“He did it!” cried James with a triumphant clap as Sirius roared with laughter. “He did it, he did it!”</p><p>“Oh my god,” said Remus faintly.</p><p>Suddenly, Peter felt a lurch in his stomach as Sirius picked him up by the tail and examined him. “Are we sure this is him and not just some very chatty rodent who got into our sweets?”</p><p>“Peter,” said James, “if that’s you, er…squeak three times.”</p><p>Peter obliged, swinging wretchedly before their swimming faces.</p><p>“Definitely him.”</p><p>“Put him <em>down</em>, Sirius,” said Remus. Peter fell with a plop back to the bed.</p><p>“A rat,” said Sirius, and he sounded somewhere between amused and disdainful. “Not sure how that will help with a werewolf, but all right, we’ll celebrate later. Come on, Peter, transform back. We’ve got to get going.”</p><p>Peter squeaked miserably.</p><p>“Come on. We haven’t got all day. Change back.”</p><p><em>Squeak, squeak, squeak squeak, squeak.</em> Maybe he could learn Morse code. They read about that in that in Muggle Studies last year, how Muggles use tapping to convey messages…maybe he’d just have to squeak his way through the rest of his life.</p><p>Remus understood first. His eyes widened with alarm. “I don’t think he can.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I don’t think he can change back. Oh god, he’s stuck.”</p><p>“He can’t be,” said James. “Changing back is the easy part. Pete, if you’re stuck, squeak three more times.”</p><p>
  <em>Squeak, squeak, squeak.</em>
</p><p>“Shit,” said Sirius.</p><p>“Oh, this is bad,” fretted Remus. “Really, really bad.”</p><p>“We’ll figure it out,” said James. “Don’t worry, Pete, we’ll get you back to normal.”</p><p>“How? You can’t exactly go to Professor McGonagall and say, ‘Sorry, our illegal Animagus experiment went south, and now our friend’s a rat, can you fix it please?’”</p><p>“Relax, Remus. I remember reading about a spell you could use to force someone out of their Animagus form. We’ll go to the library after class, find it, and everything will be sorted by tonight.”</p><p>“Well, Pete, looks like you get to skip Charms anyway,” said Sirius lightly.</p><p>“Yeah, and stay in the dormitory, all right? Bertha Jorkins has a cat, remember.”</p><p>And then they left him.</p><p><em>Bloody typical</em>, was his first, resentful thought. Of course he’d be the one to screw it up. Of course he’d be something small and tiny and useless like a rat. Animagi were supposed to be reflections of your soul, right? Well, who was more tiny and useless than Peter Pettigrew? He’d been kidding himself with this whole thing. Most grown wizards can’t even become Animagi, so what in the name of Merlin had made him think he was good enough to do this?</p><p>Peter burrowed into his blankets miserably. There was nothing to do but wait.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>A few hours later (or days or months or years…Peter couldn’t be sure), James returned. “All right, Pete?” he asked the rat. Peter gave him a doleful squeak.</p><p>James knelt down by the bed and grinned. “No need to be quite so morose. If we can’t un-rat you, I promise I’ll get you a really grand running wheel and bring you cheese every day. Oh, speaking of which, I brought you a sandwich.” He fished a slightly-squashed ham and cheese sandwich out of his pocket and presented it to Peter, who nibbled at it gratefully. He’d missed breakfast and he was starving.</p><p>“There are worse ways to live your life than as a rat, eh?” said James with an amused smirk. Peter scowled at him, or whatever the rat equivalent of scowling was. James laughed. “I’m joking. We’ll work it out. Want to come to the library with us? Sirius and Remus are already on their way there now. Come on, you can kip in my pocket. A change of scenery will do you good.”</p><p>And he scooped Peter up in his hands and tucked him in his front pocket along with the remaining bit of sandwich. Nestled among the pocket-lint and crumbs, Peter took a moment to appreciate what an entirely strange day he was having. Still, he was pleased James had come back for him. He had been beginning to feel a bit forlorn, and while bumbling along in James’s pocket was perhaps not how he’d planned on spending his Wednesday afternoon, at least his friend had remembered him.</p><p>It had often occurred to Peter that it was sheer luck he’d ended up with friends like James, Sirius, and Remus. It was purely an accident of fate that landed him in what he considered the coolest, most exclusive gang at Hogwarts. If he'd been in any other house, or perhaps a year younger, Peter was quite sure that neither Sirius nor James would have ever given him the time of day.</p><p>Then again, they almost hadn't anyway. Remus had been the one who’d always included him back in first year. Peter knew the other boys had let him tag along mostly to humor Remus. It wasn’t until they’d discovered Remus was a werewolf that the four boys truly became a unified group, bound together by the invisible knot of an unspeakable secret.</p><p>“Oh, hello,” said Remus’s voice. They must’ve arrived at the library. Peter couldn’t really tell, it was all dark in the pocket. “What took you so long?”</p><p>“I went to go get Pete,” explained James.</p><p>“You what?”</p><p>James gently tapped his pocket.</p><p>“You brought him?”</p><p>“Why not?” James shrugged and Peter shifted in the pocket with the rise of his shoulders. “It’d be boring stuck in that room all day.”</p><p>“Well, keep him in there because Madam Pince would kick us out if she thought we were bringing rats near her precious books.”</p><p>“Right-o,” said James. Then he peered into his pocket, and Peter’s vision was filled with the glimpse of a large pair of glasses glinting at him. “You all right in there?”</p><p>Peter squeaked his approval; James laughed and went to work.</p><p>Eventually, the sandwich finished, Peter fell into a drowsy half-sleep, tucked away in the snug of James’s pocket, the soft rustling of book pages and the sound of James’s breathing the only noise in the quiet library. Then, Sirius’s voice pierced through his slumber.</p><p>“I think I’ve got it.”</p><p>“Let me see,” said James, and Peter tumbled a bit as James leaned forward to peer at Sirius’s book. “Oh, that looks complicated. Nonverbal…all right, well, copy that down. We’ll go back up to the dormitory. We obviously can’t do it here.”</p><p>The scrape of chairs echoed as his friends stood to depart. Nestled in James’s pocket, Peter fell into the rhythm of footsteps and did what he had done for the whole day: He waited.</p><p>“Are you sure he can <em>breathe</em> in there?” came Remus’s voice from outside the pocket.</p><p>“He’s breathing!” said James, a tad defensively. “You want out, Pete?”</p><p>Peter wondered why they kept asking him questions he clearly couldn’t answer. Before he could formulate a proper squeak in response, James’s hand was lifting him out of the pocket. The faces of Sirius, Remus and James all loomed above him. They were in a deserted corridor on the fifth floor, one of the many shortcuts they had developed over the years.</p><p>“Here,” said James. “He can perch on my shoulder. Get some fresh air. That better?”</p><p>“That’s stupid,” said Sirius. “What are people going to think if you walk around with a rat on your shoulder?”</p><p>“We’ll just tell everyone he got a new pet,” suggested Remus. “Lots of people have pet rats.”</p><p>“There you go, Pete,” drawled Sirius. “If we can’t get you back to normal, you can just live as James’s new <em>pet</em>. So don’t worry at all.”</p><p>“I’ve already told him I’d get him a running wheel,” said James happily. “This is turning out to be a good month for me. I got a new dog <em>and</em> a pet rat. I bet old Beatrice is feeling awfully foolish right now.”</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“My sixth governess. She’s the one who told my parents I wasn’t fit to care for a living creature. But this was just after the Niffler incident, you see.”</p><p>“I take it back,” sniggered Sirius. “Maybe you <em>should</em> worry, Pete.”</p><p><em>Yeah, yeah, laugh it up,</em> thought Peter bitterly. <em>You’re not the one stuck as a bloody rat.</em></p><p>“You had six governesses?” asked Remus incredulously.</p><p>“No, I had nine.”</p><p>“<em>Nine?</em> Why?”</p><p>“Well, the first eight all quit.”</p><p>Remus and Sirius howled with laughter.</p><p>“The ninth did as well, actually, but she was the last. I put a toad in her porridge, and for some reason that upset her. After her, mum and dad left most of it up to Pixie, poor old thing, but — ow, Pete, what are you doing?”</p><p>Peter had just dug his nails into James’s shoulder. Instinct had overtaken him, and he was frozen in fear. A moment later, skirting around the stone wall, appeared the scrawny form of Mrs. Norris, Filch’s awful cat.</p><p>“Ah,” said James.</p><p>“Shoo!” said Remus.</p><p>Mrs. Norris hissed, her large eyes locked on Peter.</p><p>“Go on, get out of here,” said Sirius, giving a little kick towards the cat. In a flash of mangy fur, the cat lurched forward and instinct overwhelmed him. Peter scrambled from James’s shoulder, twisting in the air as he fell, landing on the hard, stone floor. Then he took off, bolting across the corridor, Mrs. Norris at his heels.</p><p>Behind him he could hear the heavy tread of his friends’ feet as they raced after cat and rat.</p><p>“Stop!” hollered Remus. “Peter!”</p><p>But Mrs. Norris was still close behind him, and Peter kept running, a scramble of rat-feet, a swish of a long, bald tail. Down a spiraling stone staircase and under the fraying edges of a tapestry, through a hall of dark wood and rusty armor…until at last he saw a small hole in the wainscoting and, scrabbling across the floor, he slid into it.</p><p>He scooted away from the exit into the darkness, whiskers quivering. A dusty paw swiped the air before him; Mrs. Norris was out there, waiting…</p><p>“What is it, my sweet?” came the reedy voice of Mr. Filch, who never seemed to be far from his feline companion. “Chasing rats again? The castle’s teeming with them…verminous plague-ridden scum…”</p><p>Mrs. Norris took another fruitless swipe through the hole, then, with a huff, Peter registered the resentful pad of paws plodding down the hall after Filch.</p><p>His stuttering heart was ricocheting around his tiny ribcage. He blinked his beady rat-eyes and looked around the darkness that had swallowed him. He was inside the castle walls…literally. As his vision adjusted, a labyrinth of twisting, turning pipes appeared before him. On the dusty floor were piles of wood shavings and the sooty scrabble of previous rodent denizens.</p><p>He glanced at the little hole through which he had entered the wall, pale light spilling through its gap. The safest thing to do would be to slip back out, scurry along up to Gryffindor tower, find his friends, and let them fix him…but then, what if Mrs. Norris was lingering nearby? At least in the walls, no cats could get him.</p><p>His friends would be worrying, though.</p><p><em>Good,</em> said a nasty little voice in his head. <em>Let them worry. Be a new experience for them, won’t it? Let them think poor, incompetent Peter is lost forever…</em></p><p>With this hard little stone of a thought, Peter leapt up onto the closest pipe. The burnished brass glinted in the single smudge of light from the hole in the wall, but the dark wasn’t bothering him nearly so much now. The only problem was that he had no idea where he was going, on account of how he had no idea where he was. He needed a landmark, he thought as he scurried along the pipes.</p><p>Then, a familiar Scottish brogue echoed through the walls.</p><p>“I understand you’re upset, Caradoc,” came the voice of Professor McGonagall, “but the school governors—”</p><p>“Sod the governors,” replied an angry voice that, after a moment, Peter realized belonged to his Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. “Dumbledore hired me to teach them defense, I’m teaching them defense. If that’s too much for their delicate sensibilities…”</p><p>“They’re <em>third years</em>. They don’t need to hear about Death Eater atrocities.”</p><p>“They’ll hear about them one way or another — whether I tell them or not!”</p><p>McGonagall sighed. “I understand your position, but we’re a school, not an army. Regardless of what the Headmaster wishes, the governors cannot be ignored. A student <em>complained</em>, Caradoc.”</p><p>“And let me guess, his father is a very important pure-blood governor and donor to the school?”</p><p>“If you continue in this vein, they’ll have you removed. Dumbledore is not as all-powerful as you imagine.”</p><p>“I don’t imagine much, considering he’s hardly ever here.”</p><p>“And it would certainly be no help to your students, if you were ousted,” finished McGonagall, stubbornly ignoring his interruptions. Then, another sigh. “Stick to the curriculum. There’s time for all the other horrors in the N.E.W.T. levels.”</p><p>“Let’s hope there is.”</p><p>Peter filed this conversation away as ‘curious’, and focused instead on the realization that he must be by the staffroom. Which meant to get to Gryffindor Tower, he needed to go up.</p><p>The tangle of pipes climbed ever upwards in the looping, snarling incompetence of centuries of Wizarding plumbing. Peter clambered upwards, upwards…through shaft and beam, floorboards and rotting wood. When he thought perhaps he’d gone high enough, he skittered off a copper pipe and down a stretch of wall. Surely another rat had burrowed out a hole somewhere on this floor…</p><p>Finally he found a split in the baseboard and, peeking his twitching nose carefully out first, he sensed it was safe to exit. He scuttered out and looked around.</p><p>He was not where he’d thought he would be. In fact, he had no idea where he was. He’d never seen any room like this. It was large and circular with a vaulted, starry ceiling, tall arched windows and walls draped in blue and bronze.</p><p>Hang on — blue and bronze?</p><p><em>Merlin</em>…he was in the Ravenclaw common room! That had to be it. How could he…? But it was. It was definitely the Ravenclaw common room! And…<em>oh shit</em>, it was full of students.</p><p>He scampered back under the baseboard, eager to avoid the squeal or stomp of a squeamish first year ill-adapted to the castle’s non-human inhabitants. Besides, he was hungry. It was time to get back to his own common room.</p><p>If he could ever find it.</p><p>Still, there was a note of triumph in his pattering step as he sped along the labyrinthine pipes. He had just waltzed right in, no password, nothing. This was <em>amazing</em>. He could go anywhere. He could go places no one else in the castle could go!</p><p>Maybe…maybe being a rat wasn’t going to be quite as useless as he’d thought.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hey, look who decided to show up!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. An Illustrated History of Hogwarts' Interior Plumbing</h2></a>
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<h1>JAMES</h1>
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<h2>An Illustrated History of Hogwarts' Interior Plumbing</h2>
<p>“Okay, this is bad. Really, really bad. Bad, bad, <em>bad</em>.”</p>
<p>James watched as Remus paced the dormitory floor, biting his nails, tracking circles upon the threadbare rug. Sirius, for his part, was sprawled unconcernedly on the duvet, his hands propped under his chin, looking faintly amused by the whole ordeal. “Remus, is it <em>bad</em>, do you think?”</p>
<p>“Yes, Sirius,” Remus snapped. “It’s bad.”</p>
<p>“Relax, Moony,” said James, stepping in before Sirius could aggravate him further. “It’ll work out. Breathe.”</p>
<p>Remus stopped pacing and jerked towards James, an incredulous look on his face. An important factor that James had temporarily forgotten was this: He was every bit as aggravating as Sirius.</p>
<p>“It’ll work out?” Remus repeated, disbelief in every syllable. “That’s all you have to say? James, our friend is a rat! <em>Illegally!</em> He’s missing, he can’t change back, and the last time we saw him he was being chased by Mrs. Bloody Norris!”</p>
<p>“Remus, you’re getting high-pitched. It’s not like he doesn’t know his way around the castle. Pete’s not completely stupid, he’ll come back here and we’ll fix him.”</p>
<p>“You’re unbelievable!”</p>
<p>“Sirius, tell him he’s overreacting.”</p>
<p>Sirius shrugged. “Actually, I’m sort of with Moony on this one. This is pretty bad. I mean, completely and utterly hilarious, yes…but also bad.”</p>
<p>Remus sunk onto his bed with a groan and buried his face in his hands. “We should never have let him do this. <em>I</em> should never have encouraged this. If we can’t find him…if we can’t fix him…we’ll have to go to McGonagall. Or…or…Dumbledore.” The hint of a whimper escaped though his fingers.</p>
<p>“It’s not going to come to that,” said James.</p>
<p>“But if it does, you’ll all be expelled. Or worse, sent to Azkaban…because have I mentioned how completely illegal this is?”</p>
<p>“Hang on,” said Sirius. “This was illegal? Why did no one tell me?”</p>
<p>Remus threw a pillow at him.</p>
<p>James sighed. He didn’t blame Remus for being upset, but personally, he just didn’t see the point. Things would work out. They always did. Any moment now, Peter would show up and they’d set things right. No harm, no foul.</p>
<p>“Stop it,” said Remus suddenly, glaring at James.</p>
<p>“What? I’m not doing anything.”</p>
<p>“Yes, you are. You are being lazily optimistic.”</p>
<p>James glanced at Sirius, who merely shrugged.</p>
<p>“All right,” said James turning back to Remus. “I’ll bite. What is that supposed to mean?”</p>
<p>“It means you just assume that everything is going to work out for you and don’t bother to try and fix it when it’s clearly not!”</p>
<p>“Remus, what would you like me to do? Panic? Run around the castle waving my wand shouting ‘Accio Peter!’?”</p>
<p>“Oh, you know, we haven’t tried that yet,” said Sirius.</p>
<p>Remus made a frustrated noise. “Maybe I just want you to admit that we have a problem, instead of standing over there being all relaxed.”</p>
<p>James laughed and spread his arms wide, a gesture of surrender. “We have a problem! I readily admit it. Peter’s a rat. That’s…concerning. But I don’t see how panicking is going to make Peter appear any faster.”</p>
<p>Remus grumbled something James couldn’t quite make out.</p>
<p>“Look,” said James, “Just take a few deep breaths, and any minute now Peter will show up and squeak his hellos.”</p>
<p>And then, as if to illustrate this point, someone squeaked.</p>
<p>It was a very convincing squeak.</p>
<p>Too convincing…</p>
<p>They all turned swiftly towards the door, and there, perched on his back legs and looking at them all with twitching whiskers, was a rat. It gave another smug little squeak and ran into the room.</p>
<p>“Huh,” said Sirius.</p>
<p>“I can’t believe that worked,” admitted James.</p>
<p>Remus, sitting with his head lifted slightly from his hands, mouth open, looked from James to Sirius to the rat and finally croaked, “Are you fucking kidding me?”</p>
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<p>“No, you’re doing it wrong.”</p>
<p>“Well, excuse me. It’s not like we’ve ever studied nonverbal spells in classes.”</p>
<p>“<em>We</em> became illegal Animagi without classes.”</p>
<p>Remus opened his mouth, then shut it again. “…Touché.”</p>
<p>Peter the rat was sitting patiently in the middle of the dormitory floor, nose twitching a bit, surrounded by James, Sirius, and Remus. They all looked down at him with mingled anticipation and just a touch of anxiety. They’d been at this for nearly an hour and Peter was still decidedly a rat.</p>
<p>“Fine,” said Remus with a sigh. “You give it another go, then.”</p>
<p>Sirius pointed his wand at Peter.</p>
<p>“What if we all try it together?” suggested James.</p>
<p>“Together?” said Sirius.</p>
<p>“Worth a shot. More power and all that. What do you think, Remus?”</p>
<p>“Oh, why not?”</p>
<p>They all pulled out their wands and pointed them at the rat, who eyed this sudden increase of wand-power as one might regard an orangutang with a cudgel.</p>
<p>“On the count of three, then,” said James. “One — two — THREE!”</p>
<p>The rat gave a terrified squeak as a flash of bluish light exploded from all three wands. Then, abruptly, he was sprouting upwards, limbs splaying, tail shrinking…and there was Peter, the boy, sprawled on the dormitory floor, a crown of sweat across his brow. He wriggled his nose in irritation as Sirius and James let out a cheer and collapsed onto their beds.</p>
<p>“Bloody hell,” squeaked Peter.</p>
<p>“Are you all right?” asked Remus.</p>
<p>“Yeah, yeah…I’m fine.”</p>
<p>“But this is brilliant!” cried James, sitting up on his bed. “That’s all of us. Three Animagi just in time for the next full moon!” At this, Remus bit his lip and sat down on his own bed. James could practically feel the waves of anxiety crashing over his friend. “Remus…” he began sternly.</p>
<p>“Are you <em>sure</em> you’ve thought this through?”</p>
<p>James and Sirius exchanged an exasperated look.</p>
<p>“It’s just…even if you’re all Animagi…<em>I’m</em> not. I’m a <em>werewolf</em>.”</p>
<p>“You’re a <em>what</em>?” cried Sirius, looking shocked. He turned to James. “Did you know about this?”</p>
<p>James grinned, but Remus did not.</p>
<p>“It’s not a joke, all right? Look, when I transform…I don’t have control over myself like you do. I can’t say what the wolf will do, I’m not—”</p>
<p>“Do you mean to tell me,” James interrupted, giving Remus his most indignant look, “that werewolves <em>aren’t</em> sweet and cuddly?”</p>
<p>“James—”</p>
<p>“All this time, I’ve been deluded?”</p>
<p>Remus regarded him from across the room, his expression defeated, the tired look of one who knew he would not be able to withstand James’s battering ram of good cheer. A sigh, a slight shake of the head, and Remus said: “Well, you know, there hasn’t been much research completed as to the cuddliness of werewolves. Mostly on account of how everyone who tried ended up…well, dead.”</p>
<p>“Ah,” James nodded. “I see the hitch.”</p>
<p>Well, <em>I</em> have it on good authority that werewolves are <em>immensely</em> cuddly,” said Sirius with a scholarly sniff.</p>
<p>James and Sirius exchanged one of their patented Mischievous Looks, which Remus evidently recognized at once. “Don’t,” he said, eying them warily.</p>
<p>“Is that so?” said James, ignoring Remus. “Do you think we ought to test that theory?”</p>
<p>“Don’t!”</p>
<p>“What sort of academics would we be if we didn’t?”</p>
<p>“You’re right, of course.”</p>
<p>“DON’T—!”</p>
<p>They tackled him. A blur of two boys leaping from their beds and piling onto the third, they barreled into him and Remus yelped, laughing and shouting, “Get off, you two! Argh! Off!”</p>
<p>“So far—” gasped James, struggling to pin Remus’s flailing arms back against the mattress, “—not so cuddly.”</p>
<p>There was a thud as Remus kicked Sirius off the bed.</p>
<p>“A second trial then?” Sirius asked, his head popping up like a daisy. With an entirely undignified howl, he leapt back into the fray. This went on for several extended, tangled moments, full of elbows and angles and impressively creative swears, until somehow James had Remus’s arms pinned behind his back, and Sirius was sitting triumphantly on his knees, and it was clear to everyone involved that Remus had unequivocally lost.</p>
<p>“Ergh,” said Remus. “Two against one, no fair.”</p>
<p>“Don’t be a sore loser, Moony,” James chided him.</p>
<p>“Right,” said Sirius, reaching for Remus’s wand on the bedside table with as much dignity as he could muster while remaining firmly planted on the boy’s knees. “<em>Locomotor mortis</em>,” he said, pointing the wand at Remus’s legs, which stopped struggling immediately, having been subdued by a formidable leg-locker jinx.</p>
<p>“That’s cheating!” cried Remus.</p>
<p>“Well, you kicked me!”</p>
<p>“You tackled me first! Honestly, if I wasn’t a werewolf, I’d bite you, you — mmmnnph!”</p>
<p>Sirius had nonchalantly placed a hand over Remus’s mouth. “So,” he said to James, “I believe we were investigating the cuddliness of werewolves?”</p>
<p>“Indeed we were.”</p>
<p>“Trial three?”</p>
<p>“Mmmmnph!” said Remus.</p>
<p>“Don’t you all want to hear about my adventures as a rat?” interjected Peter, who was still sitting on the dormitory floor where he had transformed, watching this scene with a rather wounded expression on his face.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“The Ravenclaw common room?” repeated James, staring open-mouthed as Peter concluded his tale. “Are you sure?”</p>
<p>James had released Remus’s arms at this exciting new information, but Sirius was still perched proudly — and unnecessarily — on Remus’s jinxed knees.</p>
<p>“Positive,” said Peter. “What else could it have been?”</p>
<p>“And you just…slipped right in?”</p>
<p>“Yup.”</p>
<p>“Do you realize what this means?” said James faintly. “With Pete’s Animagus, we have access to the entire castle. We can pull off…anything! We could…we could fill the Slytherin common room with marshmallows!”</p>
<p>“…Why would we do that?” said a skeptical Remus.</p>
<p>“Because we can!”</p>
<p>“Yes, but why <em>marshmallows</em>?” Remus pushed himself up onto his elbows as best he could despite his captivity. “Surely there are much more interesting sticky substances we could use.”</p>
<p>James beamed at him. Peter too was looking incredibly pleased with himself, and James couldn’t blame him. Navigating the entire school by the interior plumbing? That was seriously cool, and he told him as much. Peter’s face nearly split from the stretch of his grin.</p>
<p>“So now we just need to get you up to scratch on the transforming bit.”</p>
<p>At this, Peter’s grin faded into a dismal sigh. “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”</p>
<p>“We’ll figure it out. And we know how to un-rat you now, so you just keep practicing. Oh, this is <em>brilliant</em>.”</p>
<p>“I wonder who snitched on Dearborn,” mused Sirius, whose expression had grown darker when Peter brought up that particular bit of conversation he’d overheard.</p>
<p>James frowned. He’d been quickly distracted by Peter’s tales of the Ravenclaw common room and the prospect of brilliant pranks-to-be, but the idea of their Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher being ousted by the school governors was not a pleasant one. Dearborn was by far the best — and most interesting — teacher they’d had to date. Though James and Sirius already considered themselves excellent duelers (on account of all the hours spent dueling each other for sport), they both agreed that they’d learned more from him than the previous four professors combined.</p>
<p>And then, of course, there was the uncomfortable prickle of a memory from the forest, when James had overheard Dearborn talking about You-Know-Who. <em>Voldemort</em>, he corrected himself firmly. Dumbledore called him by his name, according to Dearborn, so James would too.</p>
<p><em>He’s out there</em>, Dearborn had said, <em>building an army…</em></p>
<p>“It was probably a Slytherin,” said James at last. “All the more reason to fill their common room with stinksap.”</p>
<p>“Is that really the best you can do?” said Remus.</p>
<p>“Well, what are your brilliant ideas then?”</p>
<p>“I’ll get back to you,” Remus sighed, fidgeting uncomfortably under Sirius’s weight. “Sirius, will you please <em>get off</em> and unlock my legs? They’re getting numb.”</p>
<p>“No. Those legs can’t be trusted. I think I’m getting a bruise.”</p>
<p>“Again, <em>you</em> tackled <em>me</em>. Give me my wand.”</p>
<p>“No!”</p>
<p>“Sirius—”</p>
<p>“This is your punishment.”</p>
<p>“For what?”</p>
<p>“For being a worrywart. And for kicking me.”</p>
<p>Remus made an exasperated noise and fell back on the pillows. “This is harassment. Peter, help?”</p>
<p>“Don’t look at me,” said Peter. “I can’t remember the counter-jinx.”</p>
<p>“Good man, Pete,” said Sirius. “Always on our side.”</p>
<p>“But it is almost time for dinner,” Peter pointed out, “and I haven’t eaten anything but crumbs all day. I’m starving. Can we head down?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, all right.” Sirius stood with a luxurious yawn and stretched his arms. James hopped up as well, and they all headed towards the door.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Hello?”</em>
</p>
<p>James and Sirius both stopped and turned in unison to see Remus, still trapped by the leg-locker jinx, scowling from the bed. “Oh, did you want to come?” said James in mock surprise.</p>
<p>“Very funny.” Remus pointed at his still-jinxed legs. “Take it off.”</p>
<p>“Take <em>what</em> off, Remus?” gasped Sirius in a scandalized voice. “That’s rather forward, don’t you think?”</p>
<p>Remus glowered at them, red-faced, his arms crossed against his chest.</p>
<p>This image was too much for the boys. They burst out laughing.</p>
<p>“He’s adorable when he’s hating us, isn’t he?” said James, wiping a tear from his eye.</p>
<p>“Like a grumpy, spiteful cherub,” agreed Sirius. He pointed his wand Remus and said, “<em>Finite Incantatum</em>. Come on then, grumpy.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know why I put up with you two,” Remus complained as he followed them out of the dormitory and down the spiral stairs.</p>
<p>“Because you <em>love</em> us,” said James. “Because we’re — ow!”</p>
<p>Remus knocked the two boys’ heads together, their skulls colliding with a loud crack.</p>
<p>“You were saying?” said Remus.</p>
<p>“Okay.” Sirius rubbed his temple gingerly. “Conclusion to our studies: Werewolves? Not so cuddly.”</p>
<p>“Watch out, Ordinary Wizarding Levels. Here comes Sirius Black.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Peter’s new Animagus form had provided James with exactly what he needed: a project. For the past three years, his brain had been churning and whirring over the singular problem of how to become an Animagus. Now that they’d achieved it, he was feeling uncomfortably aimless. Quidditch was ever on his mind, of course, but as the month grew colder and icier, Madam Hooch banned them from practicing outdoors. Some nonsense about hypothermia and frostbite. Trivial things, James thought, but McGonagall had held firm when he’d pressed her on it.</p>
<p>And so, a few nights following Peter’s successful un-ratting, James found himself wandering towards the library. The boys had spent the previous evening plotting the best uses for their friend’s new and advantageous Animagus, and they’d come up with a myriad of brilliant prank ideas, but they had made less progress on the practical bits. The castle was huge and sprawling and its plumbing labyrinthine at best. What they needed was a map.</p>
<p>The library was occupied by sparse pockets of students, tucked into corners or huddled together over furls of parchment. Outside, the wind blew a fretwork of snow across frosty panes. James paused, gazing out the window, his mind’s eye floating across the grounds, over Hogsmeade, and lingering outside the Shrieking Shack. They were so close.</p>
<p>Over the years, James had spent an almost unconscionable amount of extracurricular time in the school library, drumming up book after book on Transfiguration, so he figured he knew the place pretty well. However, this time his hunt was proving more difficult than anticipated. What he wanted were some old Hogwartian manuscripts, perhaps some building plans, anything to give him a hint on how to navigate centuries of structural mishmash. He explored the stacks endlessly, running his finger over crumbling spines, occasionally removing a tome, sending eddies of dust swirling, but in the end he returned them all to their shelves, disappointed.</p>
<p>Eventually Madam Pince stopped him and demanded to know what he was looking for. “Just browsing,” James answered cagily, his usual retort. Then he remembered there was nothing intrinsically illegal about being interested in school history. “Actually, could you point me in the direction of anything related to — er — Hogwarts plumbing? It’s for History of Magic.”</p>
<p>Madam Pince eyed him suspiciously but directed him towards a dusty corner at the back of the library. He thanked her cheerfully and ambled off. This bit of the library was unsurprisingly deserted — how many students were interested in old pipes? — but as he rounded the corner, he was met with a nasty shock: a tangle of limbs, pressed up against the shelves, a twist of red hair. It was Lily. And that stupid prick Nott. And they were snogging.</p>
<p>James observed this clinically for a moment, trying to quell the wave of fury that was rising inside him. Nott. What did she see in him?</p>
<p>He cleared his throat. Nothing happened.</p>
<p>“You ought to be ashamed of yourselves,” he said loudly. The reaction was almost comical: They wrenched apart, a thud of bodies against books. Lily turned sharply towards him, her face covered in rosy, embarrassed shock. “This is a hallowed space,” James continued, a smirk creeping over his face at her expression. “A place of learning.”</p>
<p>“Did you want something?” Nott demanded, a touch aggressively. He had the faint vestiges of lipstick around his mouth. James considered how much fun it would be to punch him in the jaw.</p>
<p>“A book, actually. Heard a rumor I could find one here.”</p>
<p>Lily merely brushed her hair out of her face and said lightly, “Lots of books here. You really need something from <em>this</em> section?” She turned towards the shelf and grabbed a book at random. “You need <em>An Illustrated History of Hogwarts’ Interior Plumbing</em>?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, actually,” said James, taking the book from her hand and examining it with interest, momentarily distracted from his burning jealousy. After a beat, he grew conscious of her gaze and glanced up. Lily was watching him with raised eyebrows, a skeptical look on her face. Nott was scowling.</p>
<p>“That all?” asked Lily, a picture of impatience.</p>
<p>James grinned. “Well, if you and your gentleman caller could just shift to the left a little…” He shimmied between them so he was standing very close to her; behind him, he could hear Nott’s jaw at work in agitation. James reached over her shoulder, snatched a book at random, and waved it before them both, a smug smile on his face. “There we are.”</p>
<p>Lily glared. “Great. You can leave now.”</p>
<p>He took a step back and eyed the two of them with what he hoped was a look of amused condescension. “Snog on, little lovebirds. Although, in all fairness, shouldn’t you be deducting points from yourself, oh noble prefect? For, ah, indecent conduct?”</p>
<p>“Oh, piss off.”</p>
<p>“Good to know justice is blind…like love, evidently.”</p>
<p>And he loped away, books tucked under his arm, not feeling nearly as cocky as his relaxed gait implied. Once he was safely obscured by the stacks, he paused, listening for the horrible sound of snogging to recommence. Instead, he heard Nott grumble: “He seems to enjoy bothering you.”</p>
<p>A light laugh from Lily. “Oh, he bothers everyone.”</p>
<p>“I don’t like him.”</p>
<p>Another laugh. “Good, welcome to the club. Dues are a Sickle each, and if we get enough members, we’re going to start handing out little badges. Now come on, we have some very important studying to do. I thought we were making <em>excellent</em> progress…”</p>
<p>James made a face and stalked out of the library.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>By the time he returned to Gryffindor Tower, James had worked himself into a really foul mood and was fully prepared to fester in it all evening. The common room was crowded with students, but he didn’t see his friends anywhere. They were probably up in the dormitory. They usually spent their evenings there as the full moon grew closer, so Remus could moan in private. James, however, needed to mope, and so he collapsed face-first onto a sofa with a mournful sound.</p>
<p>Love, he mused, was undoubtedly the worst thing anyone had ever invented…<em>ever</em>. In fact, it occurred to him in his present pathetic, miserable, horizontal condition that the entire construct of romantic love was an elaborate ruse designed to make a fool of him specifically. Why else would he suddenly be so completely infatuated with a girl he hadn’t thought twice about for years?</p>
<p><em>Well,</em> said the tiny voice of logic that still lingered in his adolescently-addled brain, <em>you did give several thoughts to her before, you just had the wrong word for it…</em></p>
<p>James scowled at this thought. He couldn’t decide if it was more annoying to have love suddenly thrust upon him or for it to have been there all along and he too foolish to notice.</p>
<p>But it didn’t matter, because love was rotten and useless and created to make a mockery of him, and he would have no part in it, none whatsoever! Lily could snog the brains out of that boring old Ravenswot as much as she liked. It didn’t matter to him. Not one little bit. Not one!</p>
<p>“…James?”</p>
<p>James, who had been lying with his face squashed into the corner of the upholstery, looked up, his glasses skewed over one eye. “Mmph?”</p>
<p>The blurry image of Alodie Blunt appeared hazily before him, and he adjusted his glasses to see her giving him a rather concerned look.</p>
<p>“Are you quite all right?”</p>
<p>James considered this question for a long moment — indeed rather longer of a moment than was perhaps socially acceptable — and then he considered Alodie, who Sirius had suggested fancied him. She <em>was</em> attractive, with a pretty face and pretty blond hair, and…<em>and Lily doesn’t like her at all.</em></p>
<p>James brushed the couch-lint off his face and peered up at her. “D’you want to go out with me?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Full Moon Rising</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  
</p><h1>SIRIUS</h1><hr/><h2>Full Moon Rising</h2><p>A strange creature settled in at the Gryffindor table one morning. It had eight limbs, two heads, and yet, perceivably, only one conjoined set of lips. Stranger still, it looked remarkably like Sirius’s best friend and Alodie Blunt.</p><p>Sirius watched them dispassionately from behind his porridge. He wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about this new development. He only had himself to blame, he knew that, but when he’d suggested Alodie to James, he’d only meant for a quick snog, not…whatever this was. Sirius had snogged his fair share of girls, though that had mostly been because he’d been bored and because people expected him to. But it was always a once and done sort of thing. They didn’t follow him around the castle, or cuddle him in between classes, or permanently fuse their face to his at the breakfast table.</p><p>Sirius exchanged a weary look with Wenyi, who merely rolled her eyes and returned to her magazine. Sirius sighed. Remus was intentionally sleeping through breakfast this morning, and Peter was Merlin-knows-where. Sirius didn’t like being left to his own devices. It usually meant he started thinking.</p><p>In a motion that was becoming mechanical, Sirius’s eyes roamed towards the Slytherin table, seeking out his brother. Regulus was sitting alone, perfect posture, a book in one hand, a cup of tea in the other. Sirius hadn’t heard a word from any of his family since he’d stormed out of 12 Grimmauld Place on Christmas Eve, his jaw bruised, his forehead bleeding, his mother shrieking obscenities at him from the threshold. Regulus hadn’t even <em>looked</em> at him once since that uncomfortable moment on the train. Sirius remembered what had happened to Andromeda. They’d all been forbidden from speaking to her. Total banishment. Sirius could perfectly imagine his mother blasting his own name off the family tree, all those glinting gold lines ending in nothing but a sooty stain. </p><p>He’d returned to Hogwarts full of trepidation. His time at the Potters' had been a glorious reprieve, but Sirius had expected <em>something</em> when he got back to school. Some form of retaliation. Some public acknowledgement of the fact that he was banished, disinherited, a failure of a Black and a disgrace of a son. </p><p>Nothing happened.</p><p>James had quietly asked Sirius one evening if he planned on telling Remus and Peter that he’d run away from home. Sirius had suggested James do it, and James had agreed. But his friends hadn’t said much to him about it. Sirius suspected this was because Remus understood not wanting to talk about things, and Peter was scared of pissing him off. And so the whole thing hung over him like a storm cloud they were all pretending not to see. He knew it was there, and it was only a matter of time until the lightning struck.</p><p>Growing restless, Sirius turned back to his amorous neighbors. “Oi, Alodie,” he said, prodding her shoulder. “You’ve got something on your face.”</p><p>James and Alodie pulled apart; Alodie looked irritated, but James was struggling not to grin. Alodie seemed to sense this and after a moment decided to take the intrusion as an intimate joke. Her face dimpled into a laugh, and she rolled her eyes affectionately as she fixed her hair. “Boys,” she sighed, tucking a curl back into its place.</p><p>Before they could recommence snogging, however, a flurry of owls swept overhead. The post had arrived.</p><p>“Oh, good,” said Alodie happily. “I’m expecting a catalogue. Daddy said I could order new dress robes for my birthday.”</p><p>“When’s your birthday?” asked James, looking startled.</p><p>“Oh, not ’til May. But you know, the best robes can take <em>months</em> to prepare. We <em>only</em> shop at Beauchemise in Paris. Sirius, your family gets their robes made there too, don’t they?”</p><p>Sirius was suddenly nostalgic for a time when her lips were otherwise occupied. He merely grunted and buried himself in the newly arrived <em>Daily Prophet</em>.</p><p>“Don’t talk to Sirius about his family,” he heard James mutter to Alodie.</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“Just…don’t.”</p><p>“Oi, look at this,” said Sirius, spreading the newspaper across the table. They all leaned over to read the headline which blared:</p><p>
  <strong>JENKINS RESIGNS. HAROLD MINCHUM NAMED NEW MINISTER FOR MAGIC.</strong>
</p><p>Beneath the headline was a photograph of an older man with a jowly, stern face, a bit like a bulldog. He glowered at the camera, as if he could project an aura of authority by sheer determination.</p><p>“Minchum?” said James. “Never heard of him.”</p><p>Sirius skimmed the article. “He was head of the Auror Office, apparently.”</p><p>“Well, that’s good, right?” said James. “Having an Auror in charge?”</p><p>Sirius didn’t respond, still caught up in scanning the article. He hadn’t heard of Minchum before either, but that was probably a good thing. With a pit in his stomach, Sirius recalled his Uncle Alphard and Abraxas Malfoy discussing Eugenia Jenkins at the Christmas Party. What was it Lucius had been going on about before Sirius had clocked him? <em>The removal of Mudbloods from the Ministry…</em></p><p>But Minchum didn’t sound like a Death Eater sympathizer. The article quoted him promising to take hard action against “those that would threaten the Wizarding community of Britain.” So that couldn’t be a victory for the Malfoys, could it?</p><p>“Hard to say,” concluded Sirius when he reached the end of the page. “He’s pledged to increase the number of Dementors around Azkaban and station Aurors outside every Wizarding institution, with regular patrols in Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade.”</p><p>“Hogsmeade?” frowned Alodie. “They’re not going to take away our weekends, are they?”</p><p>“I think it’s good they’re adding more security,” piped up Wenyi. “Did you see about those Muggles in Leeds?”</p><p>“Yes, but that was Leeds,” said Alodie. “Why would anyone attack <em>Hogsmeade</em>?” </p><p>“To frighten people,” said Sirius, flipping a page in the <em>Daily Prophet</em>. “To terrorize them into submission. Scared people do drastic things. Scared people will give up a lot just to feel safe.”</p><p><em>Like Muggle-born rights,</em> he thought darkly to himself. Lucius Malfoy’s sneer flickered in his memory. </p><p>“Well, I guess we’ll just have to wait and see,” said Alodie lightly as she disentangled herself from James. “In the meantime, I’ve got to run up to the Owlery and pop off this order. See you in class?” Instead of waiting for a response from James, she swooped down and bestowed one last, lingering kiss. “Come on, Wenyi.”</p><p>James watched the girls go, his glasses slightly askew, a grin on his face.</p><p>“Damn,” said Peter, who had just arrived with a fatigued-looking Remus. “You’re smitten.”</p><p>“I’m not smitten,” scoffed James as Peter and Remus settled into their seats. “She’s hot and good snog, that’s all.”</p><p>“Ah, so romance <em>isn’t</em> dead,” said Remus.</p><p>“You’re all just jealous. And why are you here, Remus? I thought we agreed you needed to sleep?”</p><p>“I tried to tell him,” said Peter.</p><p>Remus rolled his eyes. “Thanks, <em>mum</em>, but I’m fine. I’ll go to the hospital wing after Herbology.”</p><p>“No way,” protested James. “It’s freezing out there. You’re sick enough as it is without trudging through the snow—”</p><p>“For fuck’s sake.” Remus scrubbed a hand over his face. “I’m a wer—I mean, a you-know-what. It’s not like I’m coming down with the flu.”</p><p>Sirius was always amused by Remus’s inclination for foul language around the full moon. Biting back a smirk, he said, “Tell you what, Prongs. We’ll wrap him up in some extra scarves, maybe a balaclava. It’ll be fine.”</p><p>“Shut up,” said Remus.</p><p>Sirius watched as his friend trawled a spoon through his porridge without much enthusiasm. He knew that Remus viewed attending classes even at the brink of collapse as a point of pride, a personal victory, but Sirius suspected this was about something else. Remus was keeping an eye on them. They’d all agreed that tonight would be their first night transforming with him in the shack; he didn’t want them coming up with any new plans behind his back.</p><p>“Fine,” huffed James, “but if you get a cold, I’m going to say ‘I told you so’ in a very stern voice.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>And so, Remus stubbornly accompanied them to class — but not before James tried to force a pair of transfigured earmuffs on him, and Remus threatened to hex James’s own ears clean off. They somehow made it with everyone’s ears intact, and Sirius and his friends found themselves holed up in greenhouse three for Herbology, listening to the <em>tick-tick-tick</em> of snowdrops against glass panes. </p><p>Today’s project was deadheading fanged geraniums. It was a fairly monotonous task, but Sirius had grown to appreciate the time spent in classes. It was the only time these days when he was free of Alodie. Despite her new and disconcerting devotion to his best friend, she was steadfastly Wenyi’s partner for all their schoolwork. This offered Sirius a bit of respite and a chance to conduct an Alodie-free conversation at last.</p><p>“So, full moon tonight,” Sirius began in a low voice, glancing across the greenhouse to make sure Professor Sprout was still occupied with the other students.</p><p>“Shh!” pleaded Remus. “You can’t talk about it <em>here</em>.”</p><p>“Sure we can,” said James with a sly grin. He pointed his wand at the nearest group of students and muttered, “<em>Muffliato</em>.”</p><p>Sirius raised his eyebrows. He’d never heard that spell before. “What’s that?”</p><p>“A spell that keeps people from listening in on private conversations.”</p><p>“Where’d you get that?”</p><p>James gave a non-committal shrug. “A book I found. I’ll tell you more about it later. Anyway, it’s safe to talk now. Don’t worry, I’ve tested it before.”</p><p>“So what time to do we head out?” asked Peter.</p><p>Remus gave a wary glance around him, then sighed. He looked as though he wanted to try and talk them out of it again but didn’t quite dare. “Madam Pomfrey will take me to the shack at half-past eight.”</p><p>“Half-past <em>eight</em>?” said Sirius. “Full moon isn’t until ten o’clock! So, what, you just sit by yourself in the shack for hours?”</p><p>Remus frowned. “I like to be safe. If something went wrong…if we were delayed…”</p><p>“Well, that’s okay then,” said James. “We’ll leave the castle at nine. That gives us plenty of time.”</p><p>As class ended and the Gryffindors trudged across the grounds through the freshly-fallen snow, Remus began to fade. Knowing he wouldn’t eat anything anyway, the boys delivered him directly to Madam Pomfrey before lunch.</p><p>“I wish you wouldn’t say ‘delivered,’” complained Remus as they handed him off to the matron, “like I’m some sort parcel.”</p><p>“But a very important parcel,” insisted James. “The kind all wrapped up nicely with string and paper and sent by priority owl.”</p><p>“Git.”</p><p>The hospital wing appeared to be mostly empty, save one bed in the corner with the curtains pulled tightly shut. Still, it wasn’t safe to talk openly. “Well,” said Sirius, “we should get going. See you later, Moony.”</p><p>“Right,” agreed James. “See you…later.”</p><p>“Bye,” said Peter.</p><p>Remus opened his mouth, then shut it and turned away from them. Sirius thought he looked exceptionally small, standing there alone in the infirmary, shoulders hunched, a pair of hospital robes clutched to his chest by tightly-crossed arms. He looked as though he wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the words. Then he just shook his head, said, “Bye, then,” and turned his back on them.</p><p>Sirius and James exchanged a quick, meaningful look, and the three boys filed out.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The next part was the hardest. Harder than getting a hold of the books, harder than the litany of complex spells they’d had to learn, harder still than keeping a stupid mandrake leaf in their mouths for an entire month. Now, they had to <em>wait</em>. They fidgeted their way through afternoon classes. Dinner was a truly torturous affair. At last, back in the common room, Sirius and Peter sat by the fire, playing a rather uninspired game of chess and watching the time tick by. James had disappeared off into a corner with Alodie.</p><p>“What do you think it’ll be like?” asked Peter after a long stretch of silence.</p><p>“Hell if I know,” said Sirius. The minutes trudged on. He glanced at his watch. “It’s nearly time. Your turn to go untangle James.”</p><p>“Fat chance! I did it last time.”</p><p>Sighing deeply, Sirius pushed himself from his chair and strode across the common room to the snug corner where James and Alodie were mid-snog. “Oi, James. Time to go, mate.”</p><p>After a moment and a rather disgruntled noise, James emerged. “Already?”</p><p>“Time flies when you’re snogging your brains out.”</p><p>James gave him a sheepish grin. “Right. I’m off then,” he told Alodie, standing up and smoothing his robes.</p><p><em>“Excuse me?”</em> said Alodie, looking very offended indeed. “You’re <em>off</em>?  Where are you going?”</p><p>“Er — I’ve got a thing.”</p><p>“A <em>thing</em>? James, it’s nearly nine o’clock. What <em>thing</em> could you possibly have?”</p><p>James floundered for a moment. “Well, see, it’s a secret. Look, I’ll catch up with you tomorrow.”</p><p>“James!”</p><p>“Come on, you like your men mysterious, right?”</p><p>Alodie scoffed, straightening her blouse. “Not really.”</p><p>Sirius dragged James off nonetheless. “That went well,” he snickered as they climbed the stairs to the dormitory.</p><p>“Oh, shut it,” said James.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>They’d gone over the plan a hundred times. The night before, Remus had finally given them clear instructions on how to get past the Whomping Willow’s vicious boughs. He’d always been cagey with the details before, evidently not trusting his friends’ promises that they wouldn’t sneak down to see the Shrieking Shack for themselves. Now that he’d told them — you had to prod a specific knot on the tree and the limbs would stop flailing — it all seemed rather simple.</p><p>Peter transformed first in the dormitory so that he could travel in James’s pocket. The rat safely stowed, they threw on their cloaks, pocketed their wands, and slipped out of the common room and into the empty halls, heavy with silence. They moved through the castle with caution —  they didn’t dare use their wands for light, and the last thing they needed was to trod on the tail of Filch’s rotten cat. Years of mischief, however, allowed them to make it to the entrance hall without incident. With a great and unsettling creak, Sirius pushed open the large wooden doors. He glanced at James, who nodded, and out they went into the glimmering night.</p><p>Snow was falling heavily; so much so that they didn’t even worry about the tracks their footsteps were leaving. They pressed on through swirls of snow until the shadowy form of the Whomping Willow loomed before them. Its limbs swayed placidly in the wind, not yet aware that trespassers were at hand. </p><p>“All right, Peter,” said James, removing the rat from his pocket and placing him on the snowy ground. “Your turn.”</p><p>Peter the rat gave a small squeak and after only the briefest hesitation, he scuttled off towards the trunk. The two boys watched in anticipation as the rat disappeared into the dark; then, in a sudden, startling moment, the tree froze as if cast in stone.</p><p>“Wild,” said Sirius.</p><p>“Well done, Pete,” said James.</p><p>They hurried forward. There, at the base of the trunk, practically hidden among the tangled roots, was a hole, just as Remus said there would be.</p><p>“Shall we?” said James, and Sirius nodded. James went first, tucking his elbows in as he slid through. Peter, still in rat form, scurried along after him. Sirius glanced around at the still night and the eerily frozen tree above him, relishing the moment. There was always that rush, an incredible feeling, being somewhere you weren’t supposed to be. Then he ducked down and crawled through the roots, slipping down the slope. He landed with a graceless thud next to James. </p><p>“Lumos,” James muttered, and their surroundings were illuminated in pale light. They were in a dark, earthy tunnel, its ceiling so low that they had to stand in a sharp crouch, except for Peter who was, of course, a rat. “Weird,” said James, raising his wand to illuminate the long stretch of tunnel ahead. “And Remus does this every month.”</p><p>“Well, come on,” said Sirius. “Time is of the essence, eh?” He held out his own wand, lit it, and scraped past James to take the lead. James didn’t complain, merely followed behind him, peering with interest around the tunnel, occasionally placing a hand on the wall as if it might tell him something. Peter scampered along underfoot.</p><p>“We would never have known this was here if it weren’t for Remus,” said James. “We thought that tunnel that led to Hogsmeade was unique, but I bet there are tons of other secret passages around the castle.”</p><p>Sirius laughed. “First plumbing, now secret passages.”</p><p>“Just think how much there is about this place we don’t even know yet. And we know a lot more than most people!”</p><p>The tunnel began to rise and twist, and soon Sirius realized they were approaching the end of the path. The tiniest thread of light indicated a trapdoor above. “This must be it,” he murmured. “Alohomora.” The trapdoor sprung open. He reached up and pulled himself through. James followed, carefully clutching Peter the rat in his hand.</p><p>“Bloody hell,” whispered James, shutting the trapdoor behind him. “We’re actually in the Shrieking Shack.”</p><p>Indeed they were. Sirius peered around and the narrow beam of his wandlight fell over a dusty room. The windows were all boarded up so that moonlight trickled through in mere slivers. The wallpaper peeled in thick ripples and looked as though it had had the help of gouging claws. He almost tripped over a chair, which was missing all its legs. Lowering his wandlight to the ground, Sirius felt his stomach lurch: The floor was splattered with horrible, dark stains that looked an awful lot like blood.</p><p><em>Remus’s blood</em>, he thought, his throat suddenly dry.</p><p>They moved out into a hallway caked in shadow. The rest of the house was in a similar state of wreckage: broken furniture, pried up floorboards, splotchy stains across the walls. In one room, inexplicably, a lopsided grand piano sat slumped against the wall, several of its keys missing like rotten teeth. There was a creak overhead and Peter let out a squeak.</p><p>“Oi, don’t run up my leg, Pete,” said James. “Here,” and he scooped up the rat and tucked him safely in his pocket. Sirius rolled his eyes. Peter could be such a sissy sometimes.</p><p>They found a decrepit staircase, its banister broken into splintering rails, and stepped gingerly up the stairs, peering around as they reached the landing. </p><p>“Remus?” said Sirius cautiously. There was no response, but then, as quiet as a soft breeze, a low moan floated down the hall. Exchanging another glance, the two boys crossed the distance hurriedly and pushed open a crooked door that had lost one of its hinges. It creaked miserably.</p><p>The room, like the rest of the house, was in complete disarray, but a large four-poster bed with ragged, moth-eaten hangings remained. It looked as if a bite had been taken out of one of the legs and it stood cockeyed against the wall. What interested him more, however, was the figure <em>on</em> the bed. There, tightly-wound and curled like a claw, was the shivering body of Remus Lupin. He was dressed in only a thin set of hospital robes, which Sirius thought seemed downright cruel in this weather. His feet were bare and trembling, and his breath came in shuddering bursts.</p><p>“Remus,” said Sirius again, and at this Remus jolted up with a gasp. He looked awful, his face clammy and pale, eyes wild with fear as he stared at them.</p><p>“What — what are you doing?” he cried, eyes darting between the two boys.</p><p>James frowned. “What are you talking about? You knew we were coming. We’ve been planning this all day.”</p><p>“I mean — I’m going to transform any moment now, you can’t—”</p><p>“Relax, mate, we’ve got…” Sirius glanced at his watch, “…twelve minutes until full moon rising.” This information did not seem to console his friend.</p><p>“You shouldn’t be here. This was a horrible mistake. You should go while you still can.”</p><p>“We’re not going anywhere.”</p><p>“What if something goes wrong? What if you can’t transform in time? You’re new at this and Peter—”</p><p>“Peter’s already a rat, and James and I are excellent at transforming. What are you so worked up about?”</p><p>“I can still hurt you,” he whispered. “Maybe I can’t turn you into a werewolf, but I can still hurt you. Look at this place — look around! I did this!”</p><p>“Well, no one ever said you didn’t have a temper,” said James lightly, sitting down on the bed next to him. Remus flinched away and James frowned. “I don’t understand why you’re so upset. You knew we were coming.”</p><p>“I didn’t know you’d get here before I transformed,” Remus muttered, his eyes darting everywhere but to his friends.</p><p>“So what?” </p><p>Remus sat there, rocking slightly on the bed, his mouth opening and closing as though searching for words. Finally, he managed, “I’m not proud of it. I don’t want you to see.”</p><p>“Yesterday I saw Sirius transform and sniff his own arse,” offered James. “How bad can it be?”</p><p>Remus let out a hiccoughing laugh. “Bad,” he said. “Really, really bad. It’s not like your transformations, all smooth and — I don’t — I don’t keep my mind the way you do.” He struggled for a moment, then gasped, “You’ve only met me. You’ve never met the wolf. You only know <em>me</em>. I don’t — I don’t want you to see the wolf — the — the — the monster, I can’t — I c-can’t—” His breaths were coming in uneven sobs now; he was working himself up into a right panic. James gave Sirius a desperate look, utterly thrown by this display of raw emotion.</p><p>Sirius wasn’t sure what made him do it — perhaps it was instinct, perhaps it was the way Remus’s voice had stuttered — but with a deep breath, he transformed into his Animagus and the big, black dog padded over to the bed. He leapt onto the shredded mattress and nestled his head onto Remus’s knee.</p><p>Remus stared. </p><p>Sirius nudged Remus’s hand with his muzzle and whined. His friend let out a small choke of a laugh, sniffled, and began to scratch him behind his dog-ears. Sirius shut his eyes contentedly for a few moments, then lifted one lid to glance at James, who was watching this whole interaction with a slightly bemused expression on his face. But it seemed to work. Remus’s breathing had become steady again. He was calming down.</p><p>“James,” said Remus after another minute. “You should transform too. Now.”</p><p>“Right,” said James. He lifted Peter out of his pocket and set him on the bed next to Remus. Peter gave a little squeak of greeting, and Remus nearly smiled.</p><p>“Hi, Pete,” he said.</p><p>Then Sirius watched as James stood up and walked a few paces away from the bed. He hesitated. “Remus,” he said, and Sirius could tell he was choosing his words carefully. “Nothing that happens tonight will change <em>anything</em>. Not with us. You understand that, right?”</p><p>Remus didn’t respond; Sirius felt a shiver course through his friend’s body.</p><p>“Transform, James,” Remus said urgently. “Do it now!”</p><p>James obliged, and Sirius was struck by what a strange image they must make: a decrepit room in an old haunted house, inhabited by a dog, a rat, a stag, and a shaking, shivering boy.</p><p>The image did not last long. A gleam of moonlight pierced through one of the boarded windows, and suddenly Remus’s body stiffened, rigid as a board. “Get — back,” he croaked. Peter the rat scurried away to a little hole at the base of the wall. Prongs took a few slow, cautious steps back. Sirius felt his hair stand on end, and he too moved away, crouching next to the stag, a growl in the swallow his throat.</p><p>With a gasp of pain, Remus doubled over. He forced his head up and looked at his friends. “I’m — not—” But whatever he had hoped to tell them was lost in an agonized scream. </p><p>It was perhaps the strangest, most horrible thing Sirius had ever seen in his life. Remus’s whole body began to shudder and quake. He clenched his fists as claws grew and patches of fur began to cover his skin. His friend had been right: This was nothing like the smooth transition of an Animagus transformation. Remus seemed to be fighting the wolf at every twist and snarl. His head stretched and sharp teeth grew…the hospital robes ripped…and suddenly Remus wasn’t there anymore. Before them, yellow eyes narrowed and teeth bared, stood a werewolf.</p><p><em>Shit</em>, thought Sirius. <em>Shit, shit, shit.</em></p><p>What had seemed like a fantastic idea all cozied up in the common room was suddenly a terrifying reality. This was as far as they had planned. None of them had spared a thought as to what they would do — Animagus or not — when faced with a fully-fledged werewolf. </p><p>Well, Remus had. And he’d told them to run.</p><p>The werewolf growled, rumbling like thunder, its hackles raised high.</p><p><em>Shit</em>.</p><p>With a terrible, snarling noise, the wolf leapt towards him.</p><p>Sirius let his dog mind take over. He was every bit as big as the werewolf, and he met him claw to claw, thrashing and growling. Then he had him pinned, and the wolf whimpered beneath him — but with a forceful shove, Sirius fell back against the wall. He turned; Prongs had pushed him off with his antlers. The stag gave him a significant look and Sirius let out a penitent whine, ears back.</p><p>The wolf howled and took off towards the landing, clawing at the walls as it went. It hurtled down the stairs and slashed at the boarded-up windows. It threw its weight against the wall, again and again, shrieking in agony, clawing at its own face. </p><p><em>It wants out</em>, Sirius realized. That’s it — that’s all it wanted. It wanted out, out, <em>out</em>.</p><p>And suddenly, Sirius felt a kinship — and a deep, throttling sadness — like he’d never before known.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The night dragged on. They did their best to keep the wolf from tearing himself apart, but there was only so much they could do, trapped in those tight rooms, in that prison of a house.</p><p>At long last, dawn rose. The wolf reared back, howling as fur receded into skin, joints knocking, muscles spasming…and then Remus Lupin stood before them once more, his naked skin scraped and bloody. He staggered slightly on his feet, until with a lurch and a painful sounding thud, he collapsed to the floor.</p><p>Sirius bounded over, still in dog form. Whining, he nudged Remus’s cheek with his nose. Remus didn’t respond. Sirius glanced anxiously back at Prongs, who gave a slight inclination of his antlered head, and Sirius changed back to human form.</p><p>“Remus?” he whispered.</p><p>Remus moaned.</p><p>Sirius bent down and lifted the boy, frail as a bone, and carried him back up the stairs. He reached the battered four-poster bed and laid him down as gently as he could, wincing at the bruises and cuts across the pale body. Remus shivered pitifully, and Sirius felt something clench inside him. How could they just leave him like this? He pulled one of the ragged, threadbare blankets from the bed and tucked it carefully over his friend. </p><p>“S-Sirius?” Remus’s faint voice barely escaped his raw lips. Sirius looked at him. Pale lashes fluttered over pale eyes. Sirius stared for a moment longer, trying to distinguish if any sign of the wolf remained. There was none.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” said Remus.</p><p>Sirius frowned. Did he not remember? “I’ve been here all night, Remus.”</p><p>“Oh…” A look of recollection overcame Remus’s face, followed by a spasm of anxiety. “Did I hurt you?”</p><p>“No,” he lied. </p><p>Sirius was suddenly aware of a presence behind him, and he turned to see James hovering in the doorway, human again. “How is he?” </p><p>Sirius just shrugged.</p><p>James strode forward and Sirius could see that he was favoring his right leg. “All right, Moony old man?” he said in that exaggeratedly pompous voice he always put on when he was unsettled by something.</p><p>Remus’s chapped lips stretched into the ghost of a smile at the nickname. “That name’s worse than Snuffles,” he croaked. “<em>Moony</em>, I ask you. No points for subtlety.”</p><p>James laughed, limped over, and knelt on the floor beside the bed. Remus’s smile vanished. “I hurt you.”</p><p>“Nah. I tripped. Bloody stag legs, you know.”</p><p>Peter, still a rat, scurried over next to James. He was unhurt but fidgeting nervously. </p><p>“So what now?” said James.</p><p>Remus shifted. Winced. “Madam Pomfrey will come get me soon. You should go.”</p><p>“No way,” growled Sirius.</p><p>“You <em>have</em> to. She can’t find you here.”</p><p>“We’ll hide,” said James. “In one of the other rooms. Better that we hide in here than meet her in the tunnel, eh?”</p><p>“F-fine,” Remus muttered, teeth chattering in the cold.</p><p>Sirius scowled. “It’s bloody freezing in here. I can’t believe they just leave you with nothing.”</p><p>“What are they supposed to d-do? No point giving me a cloak. I’m a bit destructive. Maybe you noticed.”</p><p>Sirius opened his mouth to retort when the sound of the trap door swinging open jolted them all to their senses. James quickly scooped up Peter the rat, and he and Sirius hurried to the other room, crouching in the shadows. Once again, they waited.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It seemed to take forever. They listened with bated breath as the creaky complaint of footsteps floated towards them, praying that Madam Pomfrey would not look into this particular room. Sirius had thrown a quick disillusionment charm over them, but that would only do so much.</p><p>But then the footsteps passed. Unable to sit silently by, not knowing what was going on, Sirius crept over to a part of the dilapidated wall that had been gauged out, undoubtedly by a wolf’s claw. The sliver of a hole allowed him a glimpse into the other room, and, forehead pressed to crumbling plaster, he peered through to see the stark, clean profile of the school matron. She looked wildly out of place in this dusty, depressing old shack, but she moved with purpose and procedure towards the bed where Remus lay.</p><p>“Come on, now, Remus,” said Madam Pomfrey gently. “Up you get.”</p><p>Remus pushed himself up with a groan. The matron proceeded to check him over, healing up bruises and abrasions with her wand, saving the more serious cuts for proper treatment back in the hospital wing. Once satisfied with his state of health, she handed him a fresh pair of robes and a cloak, and turned politely away while he slipped them on. Remus was stone silent throughout the whole process. Then she led him out of the room and down the stairs. The wooden thump of the trapdoor punctuated their departure.</p><p>Sirius slumped back against the wall. James let out a whistle of a sigh. Peter, still in rat form, scurried out of the room to the landing to check that all was clear. He returned a few seconds later and squeaked three times.</p><p>“Oh, right,” said James, and with the spell that had become so familiar, he turned Peter back into a boy. Sirius bit back a scathing remark. Surely one of these days Peter would figure it out on his own. </p><p>Properly human again, Peter sunk down on the floor beside James, rubbing his eyes in exhaustion. “They’re gone,” he announced.</p><p>“Hell,” sighed James.</p><p>Sirius looked around the half-demolished room, remembering the way the werewolf had flung himself against the boarded-up windows, clawing his own face in agony. “Five years,” he muttered, hugging his arms to his chest.</p><p>“…Mate?”</p><p>“Five years,” Sirius repeated, and he was as surprised as James and Peter to hear his voice shaking. “They’ve been sending him down here like this for <em>five years</em>. For five years, they’ve locked him in a cage and left him here to tear himself to bits.”</p><p>“Yeah,” said James, rubbing his neck uncomfortably. “Yeah, that was rather…grim.”</p><p>“Grim? James, that was <em>cruel</em>. I can’t believe Dumbledore allows this!”</p><p>“Hang on,” said James, bristling at the criticism of their headmaster. Both James and Remus hero-worshipped Dumbledore in a way Sirius had never quite understood. “If it weren’t for Dumbledore, Remus wouldn’t be here at all. He said so himself.”</p><p>“Maybe they don’t know how bad it is,” offered Peter.</p><p>“They know,” said Sirius darkly.</p><p>“I’m sure they’re doing the best they can—”</p><p>“WELL, IT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH, IS IT?”</p><p>Peter fell silent and James stared at Sirius, startled by this outburst. There followed a pause, punctuated only by the creaking walls of the shack as the wind blustered outside. </p><p>“No,” James agreed at last. “It’s really not.”</p><p>This concession calmed Sirius down a bit. He let out a low growl and sat heavily on the floor, pressing his palms to his eyes. After a long moment, he looked up at James. “So what do we do now?”</p><p>James considered this, his gaze lost in a patch of shadow. Then he stood up, wincing at the evident pain in his ankle. “We make it better.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This came up in the comments a while ago and I meant to make note of it before this chapter, but I forgot. Oh well...</p><p>Anyway: It's probably obvious by now, but for the purposes of this story, James is not yet in possession of the invisibility cloak*. I have a number of reasons for this, most of them narrative, and he will definitely get his hands on it later...but as of now, he is intentionally cloak-less. :)</p><p>*I could spend 12 pages talking about the annoyingly conflicting canon around the invisibility cloak alone but I will spare you.</p><p>also: I love you!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. The First Wolf</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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</p><h1>REMUS</h1><hr/><h2>The First Wolf</h2><p>The bath was a quiet place, and that was why Remus liked it. White tiles, white porcelain, the glint of morning sun upon silver fixtures, the rumble of hot water filling the tub. He discarded his robes in a heap on the floor and lowered himself in, flinching at the near-boiling bathwater on his skin. It was almost too hot, but that was good. Heat was cleansing.</p><p>Remus never bothered with the prefects’ bath. It was too grand, too pretentious. He liked the comfort of his own, slightly shabby bath in the dormitory. There was peace in familiar rituals. And besides, James and Sirius had booby-trapped this one enough that none of the other Gryffindors bothered with it anymore. Total privacy was essential when one needed to think.</p><p>Remus desperately needed to think.</p><p>Like rough soap over skin, he scoured his memory for images of the night before, but they came only in unruly fragments.</p><p>A dog growling, hackles up.</p><p>A stag skidding down the stairs.</p><p>The scurry of a rat’s feet across floorboards.</p><p>The night remained a blur, and the only proof he had that it hadn’t been a complete catastrophe was that Sirius, James, and Peter had all sat around him in the shack at dawn, limbs intact. He hadn’t spoken with them since. They didn’t show up at the hospital wing first thing in the morning the way they usually did, a fact that caused him gut-churning anguish until he got back to the dormitory and found them all passed out on their beds, fast asleep. Well, of course they were, he chided himself. They’d been up all night too.</p><p>Remus sunk lower into the tub until the water tickled his earlobes. He nudged the tap with the heel of his foot and threads of icy water curled through the bath. He liked to feel the cold water against his skin. He liked the shiver that ran through his body…it reminded him that it was <em>his</em> body again. Human. Thoughts swirled tempestuously through his mind. He just couldn’t process it, what they’d done. He wasn’t sure if even <em>they</em> realized the magnitude of it.</p><p>For the first full moon since he’d been bitten over a decade ago, Remus hadn’t been alone.</p><p>There were still moments, more than ten years later, when images of the ‘First Wolf’ flashed before him. That’s what he called the werewolf that first attacked him, the one that <em>turned</em> him. He knew these so-called memories had to be at least partially fabricated, for how could he possibly remember the creak of a window, the scrape of claws against the floor? Pain…that he could understand remembering, for it had been pain unlike any the then four-year-old Remus had ever known. Claws slashing against his stomach like knives…teeth sinking into the soft flesh of his leg…searing, screaming pain.</p><p>But if his memory of the initial attack was a mere blur of gray and black and blood…well, the first full moon that followed was much clearer. He could still see the tears streaming down his mother’s face, still hear his father’s agonized voice as he told his son to “be brave.” And little Remus, who had just turned five and was very proud of it, looked up with confusion as his parents locked the door of his bedroom, with him on the other side. And then, in a spill of evil moonlight, the wolf returned…as Remus would soon learn he always, always would.</p><p>Of course, it took him a while to understand what was actually happening, this monthly torture. He’d begged his parents not to lock him up. He’d screamed. He’d pleaded. “Daddy, I don’t want the wolf to get me again!” But eventually, he’d learned. Every full moon, for the rest of his life, Remus would face the wolf. Alone.</p><p>Until now.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“We’ve slept through History of Magic.”</p><p>“Well, to be fair, we would’ve slept through it anyway.”</p><p>“Good point.”</p><p>“We should go see Moony.”</p><p>“Yeah, but if we try to go to Pomfrey during class, she’ll kick us out.”</p><p>“And probably tip off McGonagall. I swear they’re in cahoots.”</p><p>“How long ’til lunch?”</p><p>Remus stood at the door to his dormitory, bath-pruned fingers hovering over the doorknob, listening to the muffled voices coming from the other side. He didn’t know why his heart had suddenly begun to hammer, and he didn’t know how to stop it. The thought of facing his friends after last night — after what they saw — was unthinkable. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to run away, to hide, to do anything but go through that door…</p><p>But what else could he do? He turned the doorknob.</p><p>Sometimes, after a really important thing has happened — when you feel absolutely certain that the very core of life has been shaken, that something fundamental has been dramatically, irrevocably altered — then there is nothing more unsettling than finding that everything appears exactly the same. From the threshold of his dormitory, Remus took in an all too familiar scene: James was sitting cross-legged on the floor, spinning a Quaffle on his finger, while Peter watched from the sofa, his hand submerged in a box of fudge flies, and Sirius lay sprawled upside down on his bed, his dark hair spilling towards the carpet.</p><p>“Ah!” said James brightly as he turned to see Remus enter. “Speak of the devil. We were just talking about you.”</p><p>“Oh,” said Remus. He couldn’t bring himself to meet James’s gaze. Looking anywhere but at his friends, Remus crossed the room and sat down on his own bed, trying to keep breathing normally. <em>They’ve seen him</em>, whispered the beast in his head. <em>They’ve seen the wolf</em>. He stared rigidly at his hands, clasped before him in a miserable knot.</p><p>“Are you all right?”</p><p>“Mm,” said Remus, still not looking at them. He could feel their stares. He wondered what they were thinking; surely they were picturing the transformation, the way his fingers had curled into claws, the lengthening of his monstrous snout…</p><p>But then Sirius let out an exasperated growl. “Oh, Moony, stop it already. We knew you’d be like this. Look, he’s got his brooding teenage werewolf eyes on and everything.”</p><p>Startled and slightly irritated by this comment, Remus looked up at him to scowl.</p><p>Sirius grinned. “There. Now he’ll look at us.”</p><p>“That’s the trick,” said James, tossing his Quaffle into his open trunk. “Just got to offend him enough that he forgets he’s studiously ignoring us. Quick! Make fun of his jumpers before he looks away!”</p><p>“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Remus muttered.</p><p>“You,” said Sirius, sitting up and brushing his dark hair out of his face with an irritable swoop. “You always do this. The second anyone sees anything the slightest bit personal or uncomfortable, you freeze up and ice us out.”</p><p>“That’s not—”</p><p>“You’re acting like we’re eleven again,” said Peter matter-of-factly.</p><p>“Yeah,” laughed James. “I almost expected you to tell us that wasn’t <em>actually</em> you in the shack, really you were in Wales with your sick mum.”</p><p>“Oh, shut up,” said Remus, and he felt himself go slightly pink.</p><p>“Aha,” said Sirius. “I recognize that particular shade of flush. He’s worrying we don’t want to be friends anymore.”</p><p>“I’m not—”</p><p>“He’s an idiot,” said James mournfully.</p><p>“A proper twit,” agreed Peter.</p><p>“Really,” said Sirius, “if anything were going to dissuade us from being your friend, it wouldn’t be your monthly cycle.”</p><p>“Yeah, not when there’s so much else to choose from!”</p><p>“Like your snoring.”</p><p>“Your weird obsession with vegetarianism.”</p><p>“Your mismatched socks, one of which is usually stolen from me.”</p><p>“Your incredibly potent Welshness.”</p><p>“The way you always eat all the good Bertie Bott beans, and then leave the box full of bogies lying around, all innocent-like…”</p><p>“The way you always lose your quills, most of which are usually stolen from me—”</p><p>“All right, all right!” Remus half-groaned, half-laughed. “I get it, okay? I think you’re trying to make me feel better, but honestly, you can stop anytime.”</p><p>“Have we mentioned the jumpers?”</p><p>“And the books…the musty old library books that smell of sick.”</p><p>Remus buried his face in his hands, a hoarse laugh escaping through his fingers. “Gits,” he said, and with that, the great weight of anxiety he’d borne all morning melted away.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just a wee Remus moment today...</p><p>And fear not, I promise there is lots of Lily coming up next! ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Rumors and Runes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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<h1>LILY</h1>
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<h2>Rumors and Runes</h2><p>“But where would he have gone?” whispered Alodie for something like the twentieth time in the past half-hour. She was seated in the row ahead of Lily in their History of Magic lecture, leaning fretfully over Wenyi’s desk, the two girls’ heads bowed together as they discussed, endlessly, James Potter’s absence.</p><p>Their ghostly teacher Professor Binns had presumably been deaf when he’d died — or perhaps he simply couldn’t be bothered to tell them off — for he ignored the chatting girls completely as he droned on about the International Warlock Convention of 1289.</p><p>“I mean, it was almost curfew, and he just up and leaves? And now he’s missed breakfast <em>and</em> class!”</p><p>It was true: James Potter had not shown up to their History of Magic lecture, although neither had Black, Pettigrew, or Lupin, for that matter. Lucky for them, Professor Binns had failed to notice this as well.</p><p>“I’m just saying, it doesn’t make any sense.”</p><p>Lily, twirling her quill in boredom, was tempted to interject that if Alodie wanted things to make sense she probably shouldn’t have chosen to date James Potter — the boy was a walking bafflement — but then Lily remembered that she did not care. She’d had to remind herself of this fact a few times throughout the past several weeks. Alodie and James had started dating shortly after the Christmas holiday, and Lily found the entire affair to be extremely annoying. It didn’t help matters that it was all Alodie talked about in the dormitory — and now in class.</p><p>“What if he got hurt? What if he’s in the hospital wing?” whimpered Alodie. “Or — or what if he got expelled and they already sent him away and I never see him again?”</p><p>“Oh for the love of god,” muttered Lily, unable to help herself. “Have you noticed that all the other boys are missing too? They probably just snuck out to do something stupid, stayed out late, and slept through class. Not a big mystery.”</p><p>Alodie jerked around to glare at Lily, her blonde hair bobbing at her shoulders in agitation. “Was I talking to you?”</p><p>Lily rolled her eyes and returned unenthusiastically to her notes.</p><p>When at last the bell rang for lunch, Lily walked out of the classroom alongside Mary, her understanding of the International Warlock Convention of 1289 roughly the same as when she’d walked in.</p><p>“Well, that was predictably mind-numbing,” said Mary as they joined the crush of students headed towards the Great Hall.</p><p>“No…speak. Brain…melted,” moaned Lily. </p><p>Mary snorted. “Honestly, is it too much to ask that our professors be, you know, alive? That seems like a pretty low bar for academic excellence.”</p><p>“Six feet too low,” agreed Lily. “But never mind! Now we get to engage in my favorite of all subjects: lunch. Where we shall study the great and noble history of…eating lunch.”</p><p>“Oh, is <em>that</em> what you’re studying?”</p><p>Lily cast a sideways glance at her friend. “Your tone. It suggests insinuation. Care to elaborate?”</p><p>“I’m not insinuating anything. Only that you seem to spend most of your meals studying…your boyfriend.” Her tone was light, but Lily knew this was a touchy subject. It was true that Lily spent nearly every meal at the Ravenclaw table these days. It was when she and Anson got to see each other, after all, being in different houses. She suspected Mary was a little jealous…but Lily had invited her to join them multiple times, always to be turned down. </p><p>As they reached the Great Hall, however, Lily decided to try again. “I wish you’d come sit with us. I don’t see why you won’t.”</p><p>“What, and miss the next exciting installment of ‘Where in the World is James Potter?’”</p><p>“They’re nice people, the Ravenclaws. I don’t see what you have against them.”</p><p>“I don’t have anything against them,” said Mary stubbornly. “I just have nothing in common with them and I don’t feel like being a third wheel.”</p><p>“You’re not!”</p><p>“It’s fine, Lily. I’m a big girl. My feelings aren’t hurt.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>When Lily arrived at the Ravenclaw table, Anson was already there, chatting amiably with Florence and Phineas. They had saved her a seat. It was a small thing, perhaps, but for someone who had spent years feeling like the odd one out — searching along the Gryffindor table for an open spot or, when things got bad, taking her lunch and eating it in an empty classroom — this small gesture meant everything.</p><p>She slipped into the seat beside Anson and right into their conversation. Phineas was complaining about something Professor Flitwick had said, Florence was telling him off for being beastly, and Anson was laughing.</p><p>Bright shafts of winter sunlight danced through the Great Hall, shimmering across the tables and glittering off cutlery. As Lily reached for a jacket potato, she couldn’t help but smile slightly at the glint of silver on her wrist. </p><p>Christmas in Cokeworth had been quiet and small and hollow, like all holidays had been since her mother’s death. Petunia had been slightly more sullen than usual and matters were only made worse when a large barn owl had arrived on Christmas morning, tapping its beak at the frost-laced windows. Petunia had barricaded herself in the cupboard and refused to come out until Lily had claimed a small parcel from the (perfectly calm) bird and sent it on its way.</p><p>The parcel had turned out to be a gift from Anson: a thin, silver bracelet with a delicate little charm in the shape of a Snitch. Lily wore it all the time, enjoying the small thrill she felt whenever she caught a glimpse of it dangling on her wrist. </p><p>The news that Lily Evans was dating Anson Nott, the Cup-winning Seeker from Ravenclaw, had been a favorite topic of gossip around the school, but for once Lily didn’t much mind the attention. She’d been spending nearly all of her time these days with Anson, stealing moments between classes, ‘studying’ in the library, finding other certain private corners of the castle, eating her meals with the Ravenclaws or at Slug Club dinners….and with it all, a strange feeling had overcome her: She was happy.</p><p>And stranger still: She felt guilty about it.</p><p>No, not <em>guilty</em>. It didn’t make any sense to feel guilty. But it always took a while for the gloom that clung to Cokeworth to dissipate once she returned to the castle. Holidays were hard. Her family pretended for the rest of the year like they’d all moved on, but Christmas had been her mum’s favorite, and no amount of loudly-sung carols or paper garlands could cover up the fact that everything was wrong now. Broken, even. And returning from <em>that</em> to Hogwarts and Anson's bright smile was like stepping out from a dark cave blinking into fearsome sunlight…</p><p>“Where did you go?” said Anson softly from beside her.</p><p>“What?” Lily pulled herself back to the present to find Anson smiling down at her. “Oh, sorry. Just spacing out. What were we talking about?”</p><p>“Dearborn,” said Phineas through a thick bite of beans and potato. </p><p>“What about him?”</p><p>“He actually had us read from the textbook today. Just...read. And then he sat at his desk, scowling at the newspaper. It was <em>bizarre</em>.”</p><p>“Not quite up to his usual standard of lecturing us all on how we’re going to die horrible deaths,” said Anson lightly.</p><p>“I heard he got probation from the governors,” said Florence. “They don’t approve of his teaching methods.”</p><p>This was news to Lily. She had noticed that Professor Dearborn seemed slightly less engaged than usual following the holiday, but she hadn’t thought too much about it, still crawling out of her own slump of holiday gloom as she was.</p><p>“Apparently he made some Hufflepuff cry by talking about that attack in Leeds.”</p><p>“What,” interjected Lily, “he can’t talk about current events because someone might get upset? They’re going to read about it in the newspaper anyway.”</p><p>“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Phineas giving his fork a facetious little wave. “Hufflepuffs don’t read.”</p><p>Anson laughed, but Lily did not. “I like Professor Dearborn,” she said flatly. “He’s the only one around here who tells the truth about anything.”</p><p>“Still,” said Anson with a good-natured shrug, “if it means he’ll finally teach the N.E.W.T. exam material, I won’t complain too much.”</p><p>“Who cares about exams if you’re <em>dead</em>?” said Lily heatedly, and Anson frowned at her, looking politely baffled by this outburst. </p><p>There was an awkward pause, then Florence said, “Well, personally, I think <em>I</em> might die from N.EW.T.s. I thought it’d get easier after O.W.L.s, but I’m very sorry Lily, you have nothing to look forward to.”</p><p>And the conversation moved on from there, Lily uneasily following along behind it.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>She couldn’t help but replay this moment obsessively in her head during her Ancient Runes lecture following lunch. They were working on their translations today and the scroll of runic nonsense on her desk meant absolutely nothing to her, which made it all too easy to lose herself in ruminations. As a matter of fact, she had quite a few things on her mind. </p><p>It troubled her, Anson’s cavalier response to Professor Dearborn being reprimanded for his political leanings. She had always assumed they’d agreed on politics — his mother was Muggle-born, after all — but as she reflected on it, she realized they’d never actually talked about politics. They’d never really talked about much of anything serious, to be honest. When they were alone, they had better things to do than talk, and when they weren’t, Phineas or Florence usually dominated the conversation. </p><p>She twirled her quill, watching the glimmer of the little Snitch on her bracelet as she did so, and suddenly, the lovely bracelet felt as wrong as the baubles on the Christmas tree in her empty, hollow house. A distraction.</p><p>But a distraction from what? From her addiction to misery? She’d told herself she wanted this year to be different, to be better, and now it was. Why was she so determined to be unhappy? Why <em>shouldn’t</em> she just have fun with a beautiful boy who liked kissing her? What did it <em>matter</em> if they didn’t completely agree on everything? Things with Anson had been lovely and light and fun. Why did she feel the need to go and make it complicated?</p><p><em>It’s just because you’ve gone home,</em> she chided herself. That was it. She’d gone home and soaked up all the sorrow, and now the enjoyment of anything felt like…like a betrayal to the memory of her mum. As though by being carelessly happy, she was somehow forgetting her, cheapening her loss.</p><p>
  <em>But she wouldn’t want you to be sad.</em>
</p><p>That’s what her dad told her after the funeral, so Lily did her best to hide it. She did her best to act like everything was fine. After all, it had been over a year since her mother had succumbed to illness, and everyone else seemed to think Lily should be over it, so why wasn’t she? Why did memories still well up at the worst possible times and places where they had no business? Why could she still close her eyes and see herself curled on her mother’s bed, while doctors fretted on the other side of the door? Why could she still hear the silly, frivolous stories of magic she’d whispered in her mum’s ear, useless to do anything real in the face of a ruinous disease…?</p><p>Which brought her to the second thing on her mind.</p><p>As surreptitiously as she could, Lily shot a glance over her shoulder to the back of the classroom. Remus Lupin sat there alone, his arms folded on the desk, his face pressed into the crook of an elbow. She watched him for a moment, concerned. He was hardly the only one taking a nap — they were supposed to be working on their translations, but Professor Babbling didn’t really care what they did so long as they did it quietly. Lily wouldn’t have thought twice about Remus’s current position, if it weren’t for the fact that he looked so pallid and miserable. Again. She knew that look with painful familiarity. She’d seen it etched across her own mum’s face for months on end. It was the look of someone worn down by incurable illness.</p><p>Next to her, Severus followed her gaze and gave her a pointed look, which Lily pointedly ignored.</p><p>“You <em>know</em> what yesterday was—” Severus began in a low voice.</p><p>“Yes,” said Lily primly. “Tuesday.”</p><p>“That’s not what I meant.”</p><p>“Drop it, Sev.”</p><p>“But <em>look</em> at—”</p><p>“I said drop it. You’re wrong, okay? He was with me last night for prefect duties, so there’s no way.”</p><p>This was a lie. Severus frowned, as though troubled by this new information, then he returned to his translation in stony silence. She wasn’t sure he believed her, but she wasn’t about to tell him that Remus had missed prefect duties yet again. Nor would she tell him that since their conversation before Christmas, she’d been keeping up with the lunar calendar and she was fully aware that last night was the full moon. She also wasn’t going to tell him that since returning to school, she’d done a lot of reading on werewolves. A lot.</p><p>And all of it had broken her heart.</p><p>She definitely wasn’t going to tell him about the passage on lycanthropy she’d read last week that perfectly described Remus’s symptoms. Nor would she mention the memoir she’d checked out from the library that was written by a werewolf but published anonymously for fear of persecution. She certainly wouldn’t tell him how she’d cried herself to sleep after finishing it.</p><p>She wouldn’t tell Severus any of these things because he had made it very clear that he did not have Remus Lupin’s best interests at heart. If it was true — if Remus Lupin <em>was</em> a werewolf — well, from what she’d read, Lily wouldn’t wish that on her worst enemy, no matter how much she disliked him. And the thing was, she didn’t dislike Remus Lupin at all. Quite the contrary. To her own surprise, she had grown to like him quite a lot.<br/>
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Eventually the bell rang, and Lily watched as a group of students strode by, talking enthusiastically about their rune translation. How anyone could find these old rocks so fascinating was one mystery too many for her; she turned her attention back to Remus. He hadn’t moved at all.</p><p>“I’ll catch up with you later,” she told Severus firmly, stuffing her books into her bag. He looked for a moment as though he wanted to argue, but then he just shrugged and slouched out of the classroom. Professor Babbling was gathering her things up at the lectern. The teacher glanced over at Remus, saw that Lily was apparently going to handle it, and left without pause. </p><p>One time during prefect rounds Remus had half-jokingly suggested that Professor Babbling didn’t like him. Now Lily was wondering if it wasn’t true. They’d have to know, wouldn’t they? If he <em>was</em> a werewolf. The teachers would have to know.</p><p>“Remus?”</p><p>“M’not sleeping.”</p><p>Lily smiled. “No,” she agreed. “Of course not. Come on, class is over.” </p><p>Remus sat up and looked blearily around the empty classroom. “What…already?”</p><p>Lily laughed and began gathering up his quill, ink-pot, and unused parchment, tucking them neatly into the worn bag hanging over the back of his chair. “Don’t worry, it was very boring, and I’ll make you a copy of my notes.” She slung his bag over her shoulder. “Come on, let’s go get some dinner.”</p><p>“I can carry my—”</p><p>“Oh, shush.” </p><p>She looped her arm through his and steered him out of the classroom. His hands were clammy and cold, his forehead rimmed with sweat. She made conversation the whole way through the halls, but it was mostly for appearances, mindless little things calculated specifically so Remus could nod along without much effort. He really did seem like a sneeze would knock him over. </p><p>Growing up as a Muggle-born witch, Lily had learned to believe the unbelievable, to accept things that could not possibly be true. She’d had to. But this had been used against her on several occasions. The other girls in the dormitory had thought it funny to tell her outlandish tales about the magical world that were complete and utter crock, just to see how long it took her to figure it out. Not that she thought Sev would intentionally trick her, of course, but he might be wrong about this. Remus Lupin might <em>not</em> be a werewolf. He might just be very, very ill. </p><p>But she didn’t think so.</p><p>They reached the Great Hall and Lily directed them towards the Gryffindor table where, unfortunately, Sirius Black caught her eye. He waved her over, and reluctantly she headed towards the end of the table where Sirius, Peter, and James all sat. </p><p>The revelation that Remus Lupin might be a werewolf did not change the way she thought about <em>him</em>, but it complicated the way she thought about his friends. They had to know. They were always covering for him, always taking extra notes in class, always walking him back from the hospital wing…</p><p>But it didn’t add up to the kind of people she understood them to be. Just the other week, Mary had pointed out a photo of Sirius Black in the society pages of the <em>Daily Prophet</em>. In the photo, he had stood looking haughty and superior, dressed in expensive robes and surrounded in conversation, as the photo’s caption helpfully pointed out, by such notable Wizarding figures as Alphard Black and Abraxas Malfoy.</p><p>Abraxas Malfoy. He was the one writing all those awful op-eds, pushing the idea of banning Muggle-borns from Ministry positions. If that was the kind of company that Sirius Black kept, how could he possibly be friends with a werewolf?</p><p>Sirius shot her a suspicious look as they reached the table. “You’re late,” he said to Remus. “Did Evans kidnap you? Blink twice if she’s holding you hostage for nefarious prefect purposes.”</p><p>Remus yawned. “If you must know,” he said, settling heavily into the seat beside Sirius, “I was fast asleep in the Ancient Runes classroom. Probably would still be there, if Lily hadn’t woken me up.”</p><p>Sirius raised his eyebrows at Lily, who had purposely remained standing. She shrugged. “Well, there’s a time and a place for sleeping in the Ancient Runes classroom,” she said reasonably, “and that time is during Ancient Runes lecture. Anything else is overachieving.”</p><p>James let out a laugh at this, evidently in spite of himself. He hadn’t so much as looked at her since she arrived. She didn’t know why she’d noticed that. She certainly didn’t <em>care</em>.</p><p>“Well,” said Sirius with an exaggerated bow of the head, “thank you for returning him to us. We do so worry when he goes missing. We tried to make him wear a sign that read, ‘If found, return to Sirius Black,’ but he put up such an awful fuss.”</p><p>“Oh, shut up,” said Remus. </p><p>“Poor Remus,” said Lily. “I don’t know how you put up with—”</p><p>“<em>There</em> you are!” </p><p>Alodie Blunt squeezed onto the bench next to James and promptly planted a long and lingering kiss upon his lips. Lily tried not to gag too audibly. She looked politely away and found herself catching Sirius’s eye. He made a grotesque face, and Lily had to swallow a surprised laugh. </p><p>She suspected she wasn’t the only Gryffindor who was getting a little sick of Alodie and James’s relationship. The two seemed to aspire to be as public about it as possible, snogging all over the castle in very conspicuous places. A few nights ago, Lily had found them blocking the stairs to the girls’ dormitory, caught up in what seemed to be a quick good night kiss gone awry. It had taken more than a few not-so-subtle throat clearings before they got the hint and moved out of the way. </p><p>She didn’t care, of course. No matter what anyone said or teased, she did <em>not</em> fancy him. It didn’t affect her in the slightest who stuck her tongue down James Potter’s throat, but regardless of who had that unhappy job, she didn’t want to have to look at it all the time.</p><p>And yes, all right…maybe it was just the tiniest bit galling that it was <em>Alodie Blunt</em> of all people that he’d decided to snog. Alodie Blunt, the grand architect of Lily’s Potter-related humiliation of third year. She could still hear the girls’ taunts ringing in her ears:</p><p>
  <em>“Potter and Evans sitting in a tree…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Oooh, if they get married do you think Snape will be the best man or the bridesmaid?”</em>
</p><p>And now, here was Alodie, sitting in his lap at meals, positively devouring his face in the common room, taking every possible opportunity to talk about what a great kisser he was in the dormitory…Lily knew it shouldn’t bother her, but — no, it <em>didn’t</em> bother her. It didn’t. Because she did not want to kiss James Potter. Not now, not then, not <em>ever</em>.</p><p>“Well, I’ve got to run,” announced Lily, dropping Remus's bag on the bench beside him. “Feel better, Remus.”</p><p>“What’s the rush, Evans?” said Sirius. “Dinner’s just started. Not hungry?” There was something sly about his smile that Lily didn’t like. It was almost as though he’d traveled along with her on that last train of thought.</p><p>“I’m meeting Anson to study in the library,” she said primly.</p><p>“Studying, eh?” James pulled his attention away from Alodie at last. “Well, you’ll certainly ace that O.W.L. on human anatomy.”</p><p>Lily’s eyes narrowed as he smirked up at her, but she merely held her head high and said, “At least <em>we</em> choose somewhere private.” Then she stuffed a dinner roll in her bag and took off.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>All right, so she’d lied about meeting Anson in the library, but eating dinner while watching Alodie Blunt attempt to devour James Potter’s face was not a very appealing prospect, and a cursory glance to the Ravenclaw table had shown her Anson had not yet arrived to the Great Hall. As a matter of fact, she did want to go to the library, though. She hoped to check out some additional books on lycanthropy, and since she’d decided to keep this particular investigation to herself, dinner was the best time to do it. The library was always emptier during meals. </p><p>Indeed, the library was quiet as snowfall as Lily made her way through the stacks, back to a dusty corner that was growing familiar. Light peeked hopefully through the frosted panes of tall windows but failed to reach the little nook that encompassed “Dark Creatures: W - Z.” She ran her finger across the leather bindings of the books, looking for something she hadn’t yet read.</p><p>She wasn’t sure what she hoped to find. A chapter titled “Five Foolproof Ways to Tell If Your Classmate is a Werewolf,” perhaps?</p><p>She picked up a book at random, a hefty grey tome with thick, rough-edged pages. Moving closer to the light, she let the book fall open and began to read. </p><p>
  <em>The werewolf is undoubtedly the most evil of all creatures and accordingly the most difficult to kill. The old myth that werewolves can be destroyed by silver is regrettably false. Indeed, there is no simple way to kill a werewolf during a transformation. The best option is to exterminate the beast while he remains in his false human form…</em>
</p><p>“Hello,” said a voice from behind. Lily jumped in surprise, the book dropping from her hands with noisy thud and a slight scuffle of dust. She turned to see Anson behind her, smiling in his bemused way, Phineas at his side. </p><p>“Oh, hi,” said Lily, catching her breath.</p><p>“Hi,” said Anson, leaning down to kiss her. “Are you all right?”</p><p>“Yeah…you just startled me is all.”</p><p>Anson peered at the books on the shelf behind her. “Reading about werewolves? No wonder you’re jumpy.”</p><p>“Just — keeping up with O.W.L.s…you know how it goes.”</p><p>Phineas leaned down to pick up the dropped book and examined it with raised eyebrows. “<em>Lupine Lawlessness: Why Werewolves Don’t Deserve to Live,</em> by Emerett Picardy,” he read aloud. “Now there’s a man after my own heart.”</p><p>Lily looked at him sharply. “You can’t possibly <em>agree</em> with him?”</p><p>He blinked back at her in surprise, then laughed. “Who in their right mind doesn’t?”</p><p>“<em>I</em> don’t! He’s — he’s talking about <em>killing people</em> because of something they can’t control—”</p><p>“They’re not <em>people</em> though, are they?” said Phineas, a surprising note of bitterness in his voice.</p><p>“That’s a terrible thing to say.”</p><p>“<em>People</em> don’t turn into murderous beasts once a month, Lily.”</p><p>“No,” said Lily. “I suppose plenty of <em>people</em> are already murderous beasts all month long.” She was getting upset. She could feel her temper swelling like a sailor watching the crest of a great wave about to crash, but she couldn’t stop herself. She didn’t think she even wanted to. “Werewolves don’t ask to get bitten, you know. Are you honestly saying it’d be better if they just <em>died</em>?”</p><p>“Yeah,” said Phineas. “I am.”</p><p>Lily glared at him for a long moment. Phineas glared back. Anson stood awkwardly between them, unsure what to do. Then Lily spat, “You know, it’s attitudes like yours that make people think it’s okay to kill Muggles, too.”</p><p>And she stormed off.</p><p>“Anson,” came Phineas’s drawling voice from behind, “I don’t think your girlfriend likes me anymore.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Lily had made it out of the library and about half-way up the stairs before Anson caught up with her. </p><p>“Hey, hold up, will you?” he called, and she stopped, arms hugged tightly to her chest, leaning against the stairs' smooth wooden railing as he padded over, still with that bewildered look on his face. She found it significantly less charming than usual right now. </p><p>“What was that all about?” he asked.</p><p>“You’re joking, right?”</p><p>“I didn’t realize you were so invested in werewolf rights.”</p><p>“I’m invested in everyone’s rights! God, please tell me you don’t agree with him?”</p><p>Anson hesitated.</p><p>“God!” cried Lily, and she turned and began to march up the stairs.</p><p>“Will you hang on a moment?” said Anson, grabbing her arm in frustration. “Give me a second to catch up. I’m not saying I agree exactly, but—”</p><p>She snatched her arm back. “But what? Either you think innocent people should be murdered because of something they can’t control or you don’t.”</p><p>“It’s not that simple, Lily.”</p><p>“Yeah, it is!”</p><p>“Look, you don’t understand. Phin — he’s been through some rough stuff, all right? He lost his older brother to a werewolf attack. It happened when he was twelve and it was — brutal.”</p><p>Lily stopped, momentarily derailed. “I didn’t know that.”</p><p>“Of course not. How could you?” said Anson graciously. “I’m not saying all werewolves should be murdered, but just…I don’t know, maybe you could spare some of your vast wells of compassion for one of the <em>actual</em> victims.”</p><p>Lily bit her lip. “I’m sorry about his brother.”</p><p>“Yeah. He took it pretty hard, Phin.”</p><p>“But I still think he’s wrong.”</p><p>“…Of course you do.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, I just don’t think people should be put to death for contracting a disease!”</p><p>“A disease,” said Anson with a dismissive snort. “Listen to you. Have you ever <em>met</em> a werewolf, Lily?”</p><p>Lily hesitated. “I — I’m not sure.”</p><p>“You’re not sure?”</p><p>“Well, you see, Anson, they’re regular people ninety percent of the time and most of them don’t walk around wearing signs that say ‘I’m a werewolf, please slaughter me.’”</p><p>“Look,” said Anson, with the tone of someone who was being eminently reasonable, “I admire your commitment to human rights, but you don't know what you're talking about. If you'd met a werewolf, you'd know it. They're not like you and me. Most victims of attacks don't survive the contraction of the so-called 'disease.' The ones that do...well, let's just say they survive for a reason. They're...harder. Fiercer. They're vicious.”</p><p>“That is a disgusting stereotype, and one that has been discounted by multiple academic studies. I thought you Ravenclaws were supposed to be all about your citations and sources.”</p><p>“Who’s stereotyping now?”</p><p>“Do you think Phineas would be advocating for the murder of all lycanthropes if his brother had lived?”</p><p>“But he didn’t live,” said Anson darkly. “They tore him to bits.”</p><p>“And that’s — that’s horrible, and I’m really, really sorry. But what if he <em>had</em> lived?”</p><p>“Look, can we just go get dinner and forget about this?”</p><p>“No, we can’t!”</p><p>“What do you want me to do, Lily?” demanded Anson, frustration seeping into his normally pleasant demeanor. “Choose between my best friend and my girlfriend?”</p><p>“No,” said Lily. “I want you to choose between what’s right and what’s not.”</p><p>“My God.” Anson rolled his eyes. “It must get awfully lonely up there on your high horse.”</p><p>Lily glared at him and he glared back. She felt like she was seeing him for the first time. They’d been having so much fun, but suddenly everything about him seemed silly and frivolous.</p><p>“If I were bitten by a werewolf tomorrow,” she persisted, ignoring Anson’s groan, “and I survived, but I had to live with lycanthropy for the rest of my life…would you kill me?”</p><p>“Oh, give me a break!”</p><p>“I want to know! If I were bitten tomorrow through no fault of my own, do you think I’d deserve to die?”</p><p>“You’re so naive…”</p><p>“Answer the question, Anson. Would I deserve to die?”</p><p>“If you were bitten tomorrow,” Anson snapped, with a surprising burst of temper, “and you lived, you’d be begging me to put you down. Any decent person would.”</p><p>There was a long pause.</p><p>“You disgust me,” said Lily, and there was no venom to her words, but rather a note of surprise. Then she fumbled with the clasp of her bracelet. “Here,” she said, shoving the glinting silver jewelry into his hand. “I’ll make this easy for you. You don’t have to choose. I’m not your girlfriend anymore.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>...I swear I only keep track of the days of the week anymore due to posting this.</p><p>We've had a bit of a Lily drought due to recent Necessary Marauder Drama, but she is BACK and she has OPINIONS.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. So Long, Snuffles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  
</p>
<h1>REMUS</h1>
<hr/>
<h2>So Long, Snuffles</h2><p>
  <em>Dear mum,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I’m sorry this letter is so late. I know you worry when you don’t hear from me after a moon, but I’ve just been very busy with my studies. O.W.L.s will be here before we know it. This past moon was completely uneventful. I’m fine. James says hello. He’s reading this over my shoulder because he lacks a fundamental understanding of personal privacy <strike>I DO NOT</strike> and now he’s gone and spilled porridge on the parchment while attempting to wrench the quill from my hand. We’ll have to forgive him though because he’s letting me borrow his owl to post this letter, which I will do after class. Got to run now or I’ll be late for Transfiguration.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Love,</em><br/>
<em>Remus</em>
</p><p>Remus gave his letter one last read-through as he climbed the stairs to the Owlery. It always amazed him how quickly he slipped back into pretending. The days that followed a full moon were a scramble of catching up with classes, making the necessary excuses for his apparent illness, becoming human again. And then, one day, he suddenly felt better, and the next moon was far enough off that he could comfortably pretend it didn’t exist at all.</p><p>
  <em>This past moon was completely uneventful. I’m fine.</em>
</p><p>How many times had he written those exact words? His letters home had always been full of such little white lies, carefully constructed to ease his mother’s mind, but never before had they felt so brazenly false. Uneventful. This past moon had been anything but. He shut his eyes for a moment and a flash of black fur, a snarl, and a swipe of claws filled his memory. A dog, not a wolf. And once more he revisited the question that haunted him: <em>“Did I hurt you?”</em></p><p>They’d said no, but Remus had no reason to believe his friends’ answers had been any more truthful than what he wrote his mother every month.</p><p>The Owlery was perched at the top of the West Tower, a large circular stone room crowded with owls of every breed. Remus shivered in the frigid draughts of winter air that blew through the glassless windows as he stepped into the room, head tilted back to look for Homer, James’s owl. Distracted by his search, Remus didn’t immediately notice that he was not the only person in the Owlery.</p><p>“Oh, will you <em>please</em> just come here?”</p><p>He turned to see Lily Evans on the other side of the room, attempting to persuade a persnickety school owl to come down from its perch. Heedless of her pleas, the owl flew higher up into the rafters. Lily threw up her arms in frustration. “Fine! I didn’t want a birthday present anyway.”</p><p>“Need a hand?” said Remus, walking over to her. </p><p>She turned towards him, looking faintly embarrassed. “Oh, hi Remus. I didn’t hear you come in.” She blew a strand of red hair out of her face and crossed her arms, looking sullenly up at the disagreeable birds. “I’ve been blacklisted by the owls.”</p><p>Remus laughed. “What?”</p><p>“No, it’s true. Gossipy little shits, the lot of them. Your sister throws one kettle at a barn owl and suddenly you are Owl Enemy Number One.”</p><p>“Your sister threw a kettle…?”</p><p>“Petunia has a thing against birds in the house.” She shrugged, glancing back up at the owls. “I mean, I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to deliver mail to my sister, either. But it’s not my fault she lives with my father. Thing is, he can’t send me mail unless I write him first — he’s a Muggle, no owl post — and he made me promise I’d write in time for him to send my birthday present, but it’s today and I forgot.”</p><p>“You forgot your own birthday?”</p><p>“I forgot to send the owl,” she said, scowling up into the rafters. “I’ve had other things on my mind.” </p><p>“Here.” Remus dug in his pocket and pulled out a bag of owl treats he’d brought for Homer. Rustling them about a bit dramatically, he managed to convince a wee little screech owl to descend from its perch. He motioned for Lily to give him her letter, which she did, and he attached it gently to the owl’s talon. The owl eyed Lily suspiciously. “It’s all right,” Remus told him, laughing. “I’ll vouch for her.” With a small hoot, the screech owl ate the proffered treat and took off out the window. </p><p>Lily looked on, impressed. “Remus Lupin: Owl Whisperer. Who knew?”</p><p>“It’s amazing what bribery can accomplish.”</p><p>A soft weight settled on Remus’s shoulder, and he turned his head to see a large, handsome eagle owl perched there. “Hello, Homer.” The owl pecked hopefully at his shoulder. Remus had borrowed Homer several times before, so the owl recognized him and knew that his presence meant a handful of treats in exchange for a quick jaunt to Wales.</p><p>“Wow,” said Lily, eying the enormous owl. “What a beautiful bird. He’s yours?”</p><p>“No.” Remus held out a handful of treats to the owl. “He belongs to James. I’m just borrowing him.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>While Remus folded his letter and attached it to the obliging Homer, Lily wandered over to a window and gazed out despondently. He watched her out of the corner of his eye, concerned. She looked...melancholy. He carried Homer over to the window and extended his arm. The great owl took off with a farewell hoot, and both Remus and Lily watched as he disappeared into the horizon. Finally, Remus cleared his throat and said, “Is everything all right? You seem a bit down.”</p><p>“Oh, it’s nothing. I’m fine.”</p><p>The echo of his own words was not lost on Remus. “Very convincing.”</p><p>She looked up at him and smiled. “Yeah, all right. Good catch. I’m not fine, but I will be. I — well, I broke up with Anson. My boyfriend,” she added, unnecessarily, as though there was anybody in school who <em>didn’t</em> know that Lily Evans was dating the very popular Quidditch star Anson Nott. </p><p>“Oh.” Remus suddenly felt awkward. He knew very little about relationships, on account of never having had one. “I’m sorry.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” she said, hugging her arms to her chest against the cold. “Really. He just turned out to be someone different than I thought he was, you know? Or maybe it's me. Maybe I’m the one who’s different.” She turned back to the window, gazing out over the snow-covered grounds. He tried to think of what to say, but the only thing he really knew about Anson Nott was that James hated him and somehow that didn’t seem like a helpful point to bring up.</p><p>At last, Lily filled the silence for him. “It’s freezing up here. Anyway, I’ve got to get going. I’ll see you later? We do have a prefect’s meeting tonight, remember?”</p><p>“Yeah,” said Remus, who had forgotten. “See you later. Oh, and — er — happy birthday.”</p><p>She smiled a little sadly. “Thanks, Remus.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Remus hadn’t been lying to his mother when he said he’d been busy with school. It felt like all he did these days was sleep and study, and he still couldn’t keep up. He’d taken to working on homework during meals (something that annoyed Sirius to no end, claiming it gave him indigestion) and staying up late in the common room, huddled with a stack of books, toiling away over miles of parchment.</p><p>It was on one such evening, as Remus, James, and Sirius sat in their usual spot by the fire, that Peter burst through the portrait hole, out of breath, face glistening with excitement. “I did it!” he cried, dropping himself into an armchair with a gleeful thud. </p><p>“Did what?”</p><p>“<em>It!</em> Transformed! And then back again! On my own!”</p><p>They all stared at him for a moment. They’d been practicing for so long, Remus knew James and Sirius had all but given up hope that Peter would ever be a fully competent Animagus. “About time,” said Sirius. After a pointed look from Remus, he added, “Well done.”</p><p>“All right, Wormtail!” said James, giving him a high five.</p><p>“Wormtail?” said Remus.</p><p>“Didn’t I tell you? We came up with a name for Peter too.”</p><p>
  <em>“Wormtail?”</em>
</p><p>“Because of his tail — when he’s a rat. It looks like a worm!”</p><p>Remus turned to Peter, eyebrows raised, but Peter merely shrugged. “I’ve been called worse.” He looked rather pleased with it, actually.</p><p>James clapped his hands together, delighted. “Moony, Wormtail, Prongs, and —”</p><p>“If you say ‘Snuffles,’ I <em>will</em> hex you,” warned Sirius.</p><p>“Yeah, okay, we’ll work on yours.”</p><p>“Hmph.”</p><p>This revelation thoroughly distracted the boys from their essays on hex deflection, and once again Remus found himself struggling to focus on his homework as his friends debated the merits of various plots and schemes. </p><p>“This could finally be our chance to raid Slughorn’s liquor cabinet, like we’ve always dreamed.”</p><p>“Yeah, but a rat can’t exactly carry a bottle of Blishen’s Best out in his knapsack…”</p><p>“I could sneak in as a rat, transform back to human, stash the bottles —”</p><p>“All without being noticed?”</p><p>“Okay, so it needs some work…”</p><p>Eventually Sirius announced he was going to go take a bath, and thus they regained a shade of productivity. While Remus grappled with a particularly trying paragraph on <em>salvio hexia</em>, James practiced a complex charm in which he levitated a small ball of water, churning in its own self-contained orb. Peter watched in amazement as James explained, “It’s all about self-control, really. You’ve got to maintain total focus or else—”</p><p>The orb fell with a splash to the table, splattering fat droplets of water all over Remus’s essay. “James!” he complained, but James wasn’t listening. He was staring at the portrait hole with a fierce intensity, wand still held aloft as though he’d forgotten it. Remus followed his gaze: Lily had just entered, and she wasn’t alone. A tall, sandy-haired sixth year was with her, his arm wrapped around her waist in what to Remus seemed a rather possessive and showy manner.</p><p>“Bertram Aubrey?” said James, his voice heavy with disgust. “She’s with <em>Bertram Aubrey</em>?”</p><p>“What’s it to you?” said Remus distractedly, doing his best to salvage his essay from the torrent of spilled water.</p><p>“Well — it’s — I don’t —” James spluttered, watching furiously as the sixth year led Lily to a sofa on the other side of the common room. “He’s a creep, that’s all. You should’ve heard the way he talked about her at Quidditch trials. Disrespectful, he was. Blimey, I’d forgotten about that…I thought she was dating Nott, anyway!”</p><p>“They split up.”</p><p>“When?”</p><p>“A couple of weeks ago.”</p><p>James gaped. “A couple of — well, that’s just — bloody — grand.”</p><p>Remus watched with mild interest as James continued to grumble to himself while cleaning up the mess of his failed charm. Any further discussion of Lily’s unfortunate new suitor, however, was squashed by the appearance of Alodie, who perched herself on the arm of James’s chair and asked sweetly, “Hey, James…do you want to go for a little walk? Maybe to the Astronomy Tower?”</p><p>“Not right now, I’ve got to finish up this essay.”</p><p>“Oh. For Defense?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“You can copy mine, if you like.”</p><p>James looked up at her, and Remus thought there was a faint hint of disdain in his eyes, but James merely said, “That’s all right. I’m nearly done.”</p><p>“Okay.” Alodie looked disappointed. “So, Hogsmeade this weekend, right?”</p><p>“I don’t know, I thought I might not bother—”</p><p>“James, it’s Valentine’s Day.”</p><p>“What?” James had been staring across the common room again.</p><p>“It’s <em>Valentine’s Day</em>, James. You have to take me.”</p><p>“Oh. Right. Sure. This weekend then.”</p><p>Alodie glared at him for a moment, then scoffed and took off for the girls’ dormitory. James didn’t seem to notice.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Remind me why we bothered slogging all the way up here for this?” said Remus, looking around the Three Broomsticks with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. Remus himself would’ve been perfectly content staying curled up in the common room, getting some homework done, but alas, he’d allowed Sirius to drag him through arctic temperatures to squish into an overcrowded pub they’d visited a hundred times.</p><p>“You’d spend all your life in an armchair if someone didn’t force you out of it,” said Sirius. “You should be thanking me. A change of scenery is good for the soul.” He clapped Remus on the back. “But booze is better. I’ll see if I can get some real drinks.”</p><p>“Yeah, good luck with that.” </p><p>Remus found a small table squashed in the back near a roaring fire and began to gratefully thaw his hands over its blaze. James had gone off to Madam Puddifoot’s Tea Shop with Alodie, though Remus had thought he looked rather resigned to the whole thing, and Peter had detention for forgetting his Transfiguration homework again. Though Peter had complained about being locked up in detention while the rest of them were in Hogsmeade, Remus felt he was probably the luckiest of the lot.</p><p>The pub was crammed to capacity; it was the weekend of Valentine’s Day, after all, and scores of pink-cheeked couples had braved the icy cold for a chance to seductively slurp butterbeer at each other. Sirius had sworn all the couples would be locked up in Madam Puddifoot’s, but looking around the crowded pub, it appeared he was wrong. He noticed Lily Evans across the room, sitting with Bertram Aubrey, who had his arm around her and was leaning in very close. Remus scowled and looked away.</p><p>Valentine’s Day always made him feel a bit sour. A day devoted to couples publicly snogging and making a fuss. It served as yet another painful reminder of all the ways he’d never quite be human. It’s not like he could have a girlfriend, even if he’d wanted one. It’d be impossible to keep his condition a secret for one thing, and besides, who would want to date a werewolf? No one, that’s who.</p><p>“I forgot,” said Sirius, dropping himself heavily into a seat. Remus pulled himself from the mire of self-pity and looked at his friend, whose face had sunken into that shadowy sort of gloom he hadn’t seen since before the holidays. He had returned from the bar empty handed.</p><p>“Forgot what?”</p><p>“They closed all my accounts. I haven’t got any money.”</p><p>“Oh,” said Remus, and then he understood. “<em>Oh</em>.” He jumped up. “Never mind. I’ll get the drinks.”</p><p>“You don’t have to—”</p><p>“Sirius, it’s been my round for nearly two years. Let me buy you a damn drink.”</p><p>Sirius just shrugged as Remus took off for the bar, worrying. They had closed his accounts. ‘They’ of course referred to Sirius’s parents, which meant they’d cut him off completely. Over the years, Sirius had always had access to money, and he seemed to take a perverse pride in wasting it, buying lavishly useless gifts for his friends, ordering a round of drinks for a group of students he didn’t even know or like. </p><p>At first, Remus had been turned off by this extravagant display of wealth, until he realized that it was, in its own way, a twisted form of rebellion against his parents. It must’ve annoyed them, watching their wayward son throw away their money, but there was a reputation to be upheld, so every bill was paid. Remus had been fascinated by the way Sirius could walk into a store — any store — and walk out again with a bag full of sweets, joke supplies, books, all without coin ever changing hands. Sirius didn’t need to carry money; his parents had accounts with every reputable business in Wizarding Britain, and it was well understood that any bills Sirius racked up would be dutifully paid by the Black family vault in Gringott’s. But now all that was over, and Sirius effectively had nothing.</p><p>Remus managed to squeeze his way into an open spot at the crowded bar and ordered two butterbeers. While the barmaid filled the tankards, he glanced back at his friend. Sirius was glowering into the depths of the fire, looking completely miserable. Remus sighed. It wouldn’t be an easy transition for him, going from being one of the richest boys in school to being flat broke. Remus felt certain that logistically it wouldn’t matter much; James had plenty of money and was equally generous with it, but Sirius wouldn’t like it at all. Sirius didn’t like to feel dependent on anyone. Well, Remus understood that, at least.</p><p>James had been the one to tell Remus what had happened. How Sirius had run away from home, showing up at Potter House on Christmas Eve, and how he was never, ever going back to Grimmauld Place, not if James had anything to do with it. Sirius hadn’t said a word about it to any of them, as far as Remus knew. He’d just gone straight back to pretending everything was normal, everything was fine. Well, Remus understood that too.</p><p>As he paid for the drinks, a flash of red hair at the corner of his eye made him glance up, and he saw Lily storming out of the pub on her own, looking harried and furious. Feeling vaguely apprehensive, he made a mental note to check on her later to find out what that was all about, collected the butterbeers from the bar, and returned to their table. The tankards made a heavy clank as he set them down, and this seemed to pull Sirius back from wherever his mind had wandered. “Thanks,” he said morosely.</p><p>“No problem.”</p><p>They drank their butterbeer in silence. It’d be so much easier to just ignore it, to make a joke and change the subject, but Remus felt he owed it to his friend to at least try. He took a deep breath. “You know, you never said anything about — er — the holiday.” Remus was always good at euphemisms.</p><p>Sirius scowled. “Yeah, well, maybe I don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>“Fair enough. But if you change your mind…”</p><p>“Great. Thanks. Next time I feel like having a big weepy chat about my feelings, you’ll be the first to know.” </p><p>Remus didn’t say anything but sipped his drink quietly. Sirius had the tact to look mildly ashamed of himself. “Sorry,” he muttered into the foam of his butterbeer. “That was…I didn’t mean anything by that.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“It’s not about the money. I don’t want their money. I never have.”</p><p>“I know that too,” said Remus.</p><p>Sirius sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “It’s a pity I can’t be a proper orphan, dead parents and all that. It’d be so much tidier.”</p><p>Remus didn’t know what to say to that, and so the silence returned, each boy pretending to be very concerned with his own drink. Then Remus remembered something.</p><p>“I almost forgot,” he said. “I have something for you.”</p><p>Sirius raised his eyebrows. “A Valentine’s Day gift for me? Moony, you shouldn’t have.”</p><p>“I didn’t.” And he heaved a large, leather-bound book out of his bag. Sirius eyed it dubiously.</p><p>“Ah,” said Sirius. “Now, most people want to get chocolates, flowers, naughty lingerie…but Remus Lupin knows that the way to <em>my</em> heart is a musty old library book.”</p><p>Remus snorted. “Shut up.”</p><p>He placed the heavy book on the table so that it fell open about half-way through to his bookmark. The page revealed an old etching of a great shadowy hound with gleaming eyes, prowling through a wild landscape. Remus cleared his throat and began to read.</p><p>
  <em>“The great black dog of British mythology, guardian of the underworld or ghostly apparition, has gone by many names throughout history. These include Skriker, Churchyard Beast, Capelthwaite, or Padfoot.”</em>
</p><p>He looked expectantly at Sirius, who merely blinked.</p><p>“…So?”</p><p>“Padfoot,” repeated Remus, nettled by Sirius’s lack of response. “You wanted a name other than Snuffles, I found one.”</p><p>“Padfoot?”</p><p>“It’s cool. Unless you’d prefer ‘Capelthwaite,’ but that doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue."</p><p>“Padfoot,” said Sirius, tasting the word. “You know, it is kind of cool.” He pulled the book towards him and examined the great hound with interest. Remus watched as his entire demeanor brightened, sharpening under the spell of a new name. For that, Remus realized, was precisely what his friend needed. To be free of the burden of his given name. Free to be someone else entirely. Not Sirius Orion Black III, but <em>Padfoot</em>.</p><p>“Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs,” said Remus grandly. “Tell me that doesn’t sound cool.”</p><p>Sirius looked up from the book, a wide grin spreading across his face. “You just might be onto something, Moony.”</p><p>“I admit, I’m going to miss Snuffles, though. It was delicious payback for <em>Moony</em>.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just a heads up: I will be posting the next chapter on Wednesday night (EST) instead of Thursday, as I'm going to be offline for the rest of the week. :)</p><p>Hope you are all having a decent Monday, as far as Mondays go!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. Matters of the Heart</h2></a>
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    <hr/>
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</p>
<h1>JAMES</h1>
<hr/>
<h2>Matters of the Heart</h2>
<p>Having a girlfriend was a lot harder than James had expected it to be. For one thing, he hadn’t realized how often she’d insist on spending time with him. He missed his mates. Sitting in Madam Puddifoot’s Tea Shop listening to Alodie enthuse over Celestina Warbeck was not his idea of a fun weekend. He thought of Sirius and Remus in the Three Broomsticks and felt profoundly jealous. Hell, he was even a little jealous of Peter’s detention. Maybe <em>he’d</em> get a detention next week so she’d <em>have</em> to leave him alone.</p>
<p>“Are you even listening to me?”</p>
<p>James looked up: Alodie was frowning at him from across the lacy little table. “Yeah,” he lied. “‘Course. Celestina Warbeck’s music is transcendent.”</p>
<p>“Hm,” said Alodie with a skeptical sip of her tea.</p>
<p>James looked around the tea shop miserably. A handful of couples had resorted to a less communicative Valentine’s Day strategy and were merely snogging over their scones, but even this did not appeal to James. He was bored. He hated being bored.</p>
<p>“Look, do you want to go to the Three Broomsticks instead? This place is kind of dull.”</p>
<p>“I like it here. It’s cozy.”</p>
<p>“I guess. But the thing is, I told Sirius I’d meet up with him later,” he lied.</p>
<p>“On Valentine’s Day? Honestly, James, why don’t you just date <em>him?”</em></p>
<p>“Because he’s cold and emotionally unavailable.”</p>
<p>Alodie looked at him blankly.</p>
<p>“Sirius would’ve thought that was funny,” muttered James.</p>
<p>In the end, they did go to the Three Broomsticks, but Sirius and Remus were nowhere to be found. Feeling slightly betrayed, James settled into a cramped little table by the window with Alodie, who continued to monopolize the conversation. She didn’t seem to mind this much, so long as James contributed the occasional sign of life.</p>
<p>His eyes drifted to the window. It was a blustery cold February day, and outside the few bundled-up wizards hurried to their next destination. He watched them disinterestedly, until the door to the bookshop across the street opened, and none other than Severus Snape and Lily Evans stepped out. They appeared to be arguing; he was gesturing heatedly with his spindly arms while Lily watched unmoved. But then she laughed and touched his shoulder in a gentle, affectionate way that made James seethe with jealousy.</p>
<p>It was at this moment, however, that James became acutely aware of the dangerous silence that had settled over their table. It’d been too long since he’d made a reassuring grunt. He tried to think how to dive back into the conversation, but he’d lost the plot. He glanced at Alodie, but she wasn’t looking at him; instead, she’d followed his gaze out the window to Lily and Snape.</p>
<p>“She’s so weird,” said Alodie. “I don’t understand how she can be friends with a <em>Slytherin</em>. And a gross one at that.”</p>
<p>At last, something they agreed on. A horrible thought occurred to James. “She’s not <em>dating</em> him, is she?” Bertram Aubrey was one thing, but <em>Snivellus</em>?</p>
<p>Alodie didn’t seem to like this question. She sniffed. “I wouldn’t know. Last I heard she was dating Bertram Aubrey, but then she seems to be doing the rounds since Anson Nott gave her the boot.”</p>
<p>James was far from an expert on communicating with girls — the word ‘far’ in this sentence being roughly equivalent to the distance between Pluto and the sun — but even he could see that pursuing this line of inquiry for much longer was dangerous and would very possibly result in large quantities of butterbeer being poured over his head, so he quite sensibly cleared his throat and made a vague comment about the Hobgoblins and that was that.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>His relationship with Alodie did not improve as the weeks carried on. Any spark of affection he’d felt — or convinced himself he’d felt — had long since been extinguished, and the whole ordeal was beginning to feel like a chore. On top of that, Lily was no longer dating Anson Nott, which meant he might have another shot to ask her out. She wasn’t with Bertram Aubrey, either. According to Remus, they’d had a disastrous first date, a discovery that made James positively giddy. However, he’d seen seventh year Jack Gully chatting her up in the common room a few too many times, and he worried he was missing his chance. Again.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, Alodie seemed oblivious to James's mounting disinterest in their relationship. Or perhaps the opposite was true: She sensed it and was thus determined to change its course. He’d begun to dread leaving the dormitory in the morning, knowing she’d be waiting for him at the foot of the stairs.</p>
<p>“You <em>could</em> just break up with her,” advised Remus one morning, after watching James fret.</p>
<p>“I’ve tried! Nothing works. She won’t take a hint.”</p>
<p>“You can’t hint these things,” said Peter wisely while tying his shoelaces. “You need to just tell her how you feel.”</p>
<p>“How?” moaned James.</p>
<p>“Yeah, come on Wormtail,” said Sirius. “We all know you’re the expert on matters of the heart. Here, I’ll be Alodie. Show him how it’s done.”</p>
<p>Peter straightened up and somberly addressed Sirius. “Alodie,” he said with a stoic nod, “I think we should break up.”</p>
<p>“You’re breaking up with me?” gasped Sirius, clutching a hand to his heart. “Are you kidding me? After everything I’ve done for you? After everything I’ve <em>given</em> you? My heart, my youth, my maidenhood?! How dare you? You scoundrel, you monster, how dare you!”</p>
<p>And he slapped Peter across the face.</p>
<p>“Ow, you fuck,” complained Peter, rubbing his cheek. “That actually hurt.”</p>
<p>“I was making it realistic,” said Sirius cheerfully.</p>
<p>“Okay,” said James. “Thanks. This has been profoundly unhelpful.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>The morning of the February full moon, Remus awoke in utter misery around six a.m., moaning in a cramp on his bed. James had learned over the years that some moons affected him worse than others — something to do with planetary alignment — but this one appeared to be a real doozy. Remus was so miserable that he didn’t even protest when James insisted he go directly to the hospital wing before breakfast. Ever the morning person, James accompanied him. The halls were quiet and nearly empty before the rush of breakfast-seeking students.</p>
<p>“I’ll see you tonight, then,” said James as they approached the hospital wing. “The plan’s the same as before.”</p>
<p>Remus’s response was hoarse and half-muttered: “You don’t have to do this again.”</p>
<p>“Don’t start, Moony.”</p>
<p>“I know it was bad last time. You won’t admit it, but I know.”</p>
<p>James hesitated. He could hardly pretend that the last full moon had been fun. Far from it. Facing the reality of what Remus went through every month had been painful and a bit of a shock. They’d known it was bad — they’d seen him on the mornings following the full moons, after all — but James had always imagined that once <em>they</em> showed up, once Remus’s friends were there with him, it would just somehow…get better. This felt a bit foolish now, as the boys had been woefully unprepared for what they found in that shack. The truth of it was downright alarming…and he wasn't entirely sure what to do next.</p>
<p>He did not voice any of this to Remus, however. He didn’t want Remus to think he had any reservations about following through on their promise to join him for his transformations. He didn’t. He <em>wouldn’t.</em></p>
<p>“We’re still working out the kinks,” he admitted, though reluctantly, “but we’re doing something no one’s even dreamed of before. It was never going to be easy-peasy on day one.”</p>
<p>Remus paused outside the hospital wing’s doors, propping himself against a stone pillar and fixing James with a very somber look. “I know you don’t want to hear this,” he said, “but I’m always going to be a werewolf. Nothing you do will ever change that.”</p>
<p>“No one’s trying to change you,” said James, giving him an affectionate pat on the cheek. “We love you just the way you are.”</p>
<p>Remus waved him away with a listless hand. “I’m being serious,” he said.</p>
<p>“So am I,” said James. “Now go on and get some rest, you really do look terrible.”</p>
<p>Remus disappeared into the infirmary, and James found himself alone in the castle for the first time in what felt like decades. Up early enough to escape his girlfriend-shadow, James delighted in an easy, Alodie-free breakfast, courtesy of the kitchen’s house-elves. Then he happily disappeared into Arithmancy, which was an Alodie-free class. If he planned it properly, perhaps he could have an entirely Alodie-free day.</p>
<p>“You’re pathetic,” Sirius told him as they left Arithmancy and James’s eyes scouted the corridor for Alodie sightings. “Just break up with her. What’s the worst that could happen?”</p>
<p>“She could slap me and accuse me of stealing her maidenhood, according to you,” said James.</p>
<p>“If you don’t do it soon, <em>I’ll</em> slap you,” said Sirius. “Look, there she is. Do it now.”</p>
<p>Indeed, there she was. Alodie was marching towards him with a determined expression on her face. James swallowed.</p>
<p>But then, miraculously, Professor McGonagall intervened. “Potter,” she called, stepping out from her office like his very own stern-faced, tartan-wearing guardian angel. “I’d like a word with you, please.”</p>
<p>He was saved — a least temporarily. Giving Sirius his most innocent shrug (and ignoring his friend’s exasperated eye-roll in return), James followed his teacher into her office, narrowly avoiding Alodie on the way. “Yes, Professor?” he said politely as she took a seat at her desk.</p>
<p>Professor McGonagall peered up at him from behind her square spectacles. She had a talent for looking at a person in a way that immediately made them feel guilty. James tried to quickly catalogue all the potential transgressions he had committed this week that might’ve caught her attention, but apart from the rather large misdeed of plotting to sneak out of the castle, break into the Shrieking Shack, and illegally transform into an Animagus in the company of a werewolf, James thought he was probably in the clear.</p>
<p>“Why didn’t you tell me you had submitted a publication to <em>Transfiguration Today</em>?”</p>
<p>“Oh,” said James, genuinely surprised. Whatever he had expected her to accuse him of, it was not that. He had actually forgotten all about the essay. He’d worked on it obsessively over Christmas break until Sirius had arrived, and then he’d lost interest. However, upon returning to the castle and seeing Lily once again fawn all over stupid Anson Nott with his three publications in <em>Charms Weekly</em>, he’d felt compelled to mail it off one afternoon, just for kicks. “It was just a bit of a whim, to be honest.”</p>
<p>“I see,” said his teacher. “Well, I don’t know if you’re aware, but I am on the editorial board of <em>Transfiguration Today</em>.” James did not know this and was beginning to wonder if he was in trouble, until Professor McGonagall smiled. “I thought you might like to know that <em>Parsons’ Theory of Transmutation: A Philosophical Exploration</em> has been chosen for publication in the next issue.”</p>
<p>James blinked in surprise. “Really?”</p>
<p>“It was very impressive work, Potter, particularly for a fifth year. Keep it up, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you were nominated for the <em>Transfiguration Today</em> Most Promising Newcomer award before your graduation.”</p>
<p>“Blimey,” said James, who wasn’t sure what else to say to this. Such an award had never before occurred to him as a worthwhile ambition and did not truthfully hold much appeal today, but he wasn’t about to tell Professor McGonagall that while she was singing his accolades.</p>
<p>“Next time,” said Professor McGonagall, “bring your draft to me first and I’ll go through some edits with you.” Then she smiled. “You have a very bright future ahead of you, Potter. Keep up the good work.”</p>
<p>James thanked her, feeling more than a bit bewildered but pleased as she dismissed him. He did not expect he would be composing many more essays for <em>Transfiguration Today</em>, but he enjoyed the praise nonetheless.</p>
<p>Sirius had gone on to Muggle Studies without him, Alodie had mercifully vanished, and so it happened that James was walking by himself down the fifth floor corridor, absentmindedly plotting all the ways he could slip the news of his publication into conversation near Lily Evans…when something even more incredible occurred: Lily Evans called his name.</p>
<p>“Hey, Potter — do you have a moment?”</p>
<p>For a second, he thought he must’ve imagined it, but no — as he stopped and turned, there was she was, hurrying to catch up to him. “All right, Evans?” he asked, his hand going instinctively to his hair.</p>
<p>“All right,” she said. “Listen, I need to talk to you about…something serious.”</p>
<p>“Sirius? What’d he do?”</p>
<p>Lily gave him an exasperated look.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” said James with a grin. “Couldn’t resist. Low hanging fruit and all that. What’s up?”</p>
<p>Lily glanced around them a bit awkwardly. The corridor wasn’t particularly crowded, but there were still plenty of ears. Whatever she wanted to talk to him about, it was obvious she wanted it to remain a secret. “Maybe we could talk somewhere more — er — private?”</p>
<p>James raised his eyebrows suggestively.</p>
<p>“Stop that. This has nothing to do with <em>you</em>.”</p>
<p>He laughed. “I’m just teasing. Come on.” His curiosity fully piqued, James led her down the corridor to a tapestry of Morgan le Fey. “Through here,” he said, pulling back the tapestry to reveal a solid stone wall. Grinning at her look of skepticism, he nudged the wall with his shoulder. It easily gave way, creaking open like an old wooden door. Lily stared, clearly impressed. “After you,” he said brightly.</p>
<p>The secret door led to a small alcove with an arched window of stained glass that looked out over the Forbidden Forest. James had discovered it with Sirius one night years ago when they were fleeing from Filch after hours. It was just one of many little secret spots they knew around the castle.</p>
<p>Lily looked around with interest. “I didn’t even know this was here. Why would anyone hide such a tiny little alcove behind a wall behind a tapestry?”</p>
<p>“For private conversations, clearly,” said James. She had walked over to the stained glass window and was peering through curiously. The mid-morning sun sent colored rays cascading through the glass, and James tried really hard not to think about how pretty she looked with the soft light flitting across her hair. He cleared his throat. “Which is what we’re supposed to be having. You wanted to talk to me? About something serious?”</p>
<p>“Yes, right.” Lily turned back from the window, and James was surprised to see that she looked a little nervous. “I just got back from the hospital wing.”</p>
<p>“Did someone hex you? Who was it, I’ll—”</p>
<p>“No,” she said quickly. “No one hexed me. I was taking a first year. A lot of the Muggle-born students have no idea that wizards have a cure for the common cold. I remember when I was a first year, I got a sinus infection and suffered for weeks before anyone told me Madam Pomfrey could just charm it away — er — anyway," she stopped, looking embarrassed. “I know I shouldn’t even be talking to you about this. He’d hate it, I know he would, but I just — God, I’m probably being so selfish even bringing it up at all, but I’ve just been so worried, you know?”</p>
<p>“Evans? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”</p>
<p>“Right, sorry.” She took a breath. “In the hospital wing…I saw Remus.”</p>
<p>James stiffened.</p>
<p>“He looked awful. Just really awful. I haven’t seen him like that…”</p>
<p>“He’s just a bit under the weather, but he’ll pep up—”</p>
<p>“Please, Potter,” Lily interrupted his attempt at deflection. “I know an incurable illness when I see one.”</p>
<p>James stopped, taken aback by this statement. He opened his mouth, then closed it again, trying to think of the right way to field her inevitable questions…and vaguely, on the back shelf of his mind, wondering why she knew what an incurable illness looked like. Finally, he settled on: “I can’t really talk about this.”</p>
<p>“I know,” she said quickly, “and I’m not asking you to tell me what’s wrong with him or what’s going on.”</p>
<p>“You’re not?”</p>
<p>“No. I get it. Remus is so private, and he doesn’t want me to know, so I don’t need to know. I just — can you just tell me — he’s not <em>dying</em> or anything, is he?” she blurted out at last.</p>
<p>“What?” James half-laughed, surprised. “No. He’s definitely not dying.”</p>
<p>Lily looked relieved. “Okay. Good. I didn’t really think he was, but people say things, and—”</p>
<p>James frowned. “People are saying he’s dying?”</p>
<p>“People in this school will say anything they think will get them five minutes of attention,” she said bluntly. “I know better than to listen, it’s just…he looked so awful.” She struggled for a moment, biting her lip. She looked as though she wanted to ask something else, but didn’t quite dare. Then she said: “D’you think he’ll ever…get better?”</p>
<p>“Oh sure,” said James. “He’s just having a bad week, that’s all. He’ll bounce back, he always does.”</p>
<p>“That’s not what I meant.”</p>
<p>James hesitated. He couldn’t tell her anything, obviously, but he was touched by her concern, and even more so by the fact that she wasn’t prying for intimate details. She was just worried about Remus. <em>Will he ever get better?</em> Yeah, he thought fiercely, they were going to make it better. He, James, was going to make it better. But then, wasn’t what Remus said this morning at least a little true? He would always be a werewolf. There was nothing anyone could do about that.</p>
<p>Lily was watching him intently.</p>
<p>“I don’t know,” James said at last, and the words cost him much more than she could possibly imagine. “He’s not dying, but he is…sick. And there’s no cure.”</p>
<p>“I see.” Lily stared at her shoes for a long moment, then looked up at him again. “<em>You</em> know though, don’t you? About…whatever it is. He talks to <em>you</em> about it?”</p>
<p>“Er…yeah. I know.”</p>
<p>“Good,” said Lily, sounding satisfied. “I’m glad. It’s really hard to go through something like that without someone to talk to.”</p>
<p>“Evans?”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>James rubbed his neck uncomfortably. “This is…well, it’s really personal stuff for Remus. Please don’t tell anyone we had this conversation.”</p>
<p>“No, of course not,” said Lily. “I won’t say a word to anyone.”</p>
<p>“I mean <em>anyone</em>.”</p>
<p>She looked up at him with earnest green eyes, and he could tell she knew he was referring to Snape. “I promise,” she said, and he could tell she meant it.</p>
<p>“Okay. Thanks.”</p>
<p>There was an awkward pause as they both stood there, shuffling their feet, just a little too close in the tiny alcove behind a wall behind a tapestry. Finally Lily said, “Well, I’ve got to get to class.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, me too,” said James.</p>
<p>She turned to go back through the hidden door, then hesitated. “Potter?”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“You’re a good friend. I’m really glad that Remus has you as a friend.”</p>
<p>And before he could respond, she hurried through the door and out into the corridor. James lingered for a moment in solitude, not particularly bothered with being late for Muggle Studies. He felt an overwhelming desire to run after her and kiss her, but of course he knew he couldn’t do that, so he just stood there, exulting in the familiar, painful pang that came whenever she was around, the sorrowful thump of his heart. She was really glad he was Remus’s friend. She was really glad…for him.</p>
<p>That had to count for something.</p>
<p>He suddenly felt very tired. Heaving a sigh, he pushed through the hidden door and joined the throng of students on their way to class.</p>
<p>“James!”</p>
<p>He stopped, groaning. Alodie had caught up with him at last, and she looked furious.</p>
<p>“You were back there with Lily Evans.”</p>
<p>“What? No I wasn’t,” James lied.</p>
<p>“I saw her come out right before you! What were you doing behind a tapestry with Lily Evans?”</p>
<p>“We were just talking, Alodie.”</p>
<p>“About what?”</p>
<p>“It’s private.”</p>
<p>Alodie did not like this answer. She threw her hands up in frustration. “Everything is private with you! You have to go to a thing! It’s a secret! I’m your <em>girlfriend</em>, James. You shouldn’t have secrets from me.”</p>
<p>James looked at her, and he tried really hard to remember why dating her had seemed like a good idea, but all he could think of was the earnest look in Lily’s eyes as she had asked about Remus, the way the stained-glass light had played with her hair.</p>
<p>“You’re right,” he said at last. “We should probably break up.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>See you Monday :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. The Stakeout</h2></a>
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<h1>SEVERUS</h1>
<hr/>
<h2>The Stakeout</h2><p>The castle was cloaked in shadow. It was well after curfew, and the halls were empty and dark, save the occasional ghost who drifted through thin patches of moonlight with an iridescent glimmer. None of them noticed the extra bit of shadow that hovered near a window on the first floor. This bit of shadow belonged to Severus Snape. He sat crouched on the large window ledge, peering out over the grounds. He’d chosen this window for a reason: It looked out right over the west entrance to the castle, which was also the closest to the infirmary.</p><p>Tonight was the full moon.</p><p>Last month, Severus had spent the full moon surveilling the hospital wing. He’d brewed himself a nasty little potion that had made him quite ill — ill enough to convince Madam Pomfrey he needed to spend a night or two under her watch. It had been unpleasant but worth it for what he’d overheard.</p><p>While Severus had remained hidden behind the closed curtains of his own hospital bed, Lupin had entered, flanked as always by Black and Potter, making inane jokes, cluttering the clinical silence of the infirmary with their useless banter. Severus had hoped Black and Potter might stay a while to chat with Lupin and in doing so give themselves away, but they’d parted quickly with little more than a “See you later, Moony.”</p><p>Moony. Even the nickname added up.</p><p>And then, foolishly, Severus had fallen asleep. It wasn’t entirely his fault — Madam Pomfrey had insisted on dosing him with some heavy healing potions that would make anyone drowsy, but he was furious all the same. Because when he awoke in the middle of the night and crept barefoot out of bed, Remus Lupin was gone.</p><p>And when morning came, and Severus managed to drag himself out of the healing potion-induced grog, he found the curtains around Lupin’s bed shut tightly once more. He wanted to stick around to observe longer, but Madam Pomfrey had determined he was perfectly healthy and had sent him on his way.</p><p>
  <em>“See you later, Moony.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah. See you…later.”</em>
</p><p>Where had he gone? This question set Severus’s mind roiling. It made sense. If Lupin was a werewolf, he’d have to go somewhere else to transform. He couldn’t stay inside. You couldn’t hide a werewolf in a castle, even one as big and sprawling as Hogwarts. No…he’d have to go somewhere outside. Where would a werewolf go? To the forest, perhaps?</p><p>Black and Potter were helping him sneak out. He knew it. He just didn’t know how.</p><p>As he gazed out the window, Severus fingered mindlessly with the loose stitches on his scarf, the one Lily had given him for Christmas. She’d said that Lupin had been with her for prefect duties on the night of the full moon, but that was impossible. Severus had seen him in the hospital wing.</p><p>So she’d lied to him.</p><p>Or perhaps she’d been confused. She didn’t want to hear anything that would tarnish her opinion of her fellow prefect, so she’d convinced herself that she was remembering things differently, or…or…it was a weak defense. She’d lied to him.</p><p>She still didn’t believe him that Lupin was a werewolf. Severus thought she was being willfully blind, foolish even, but the only way to change her mind was to get hard, irrefutable evidence. So he decided to have a stakeout. It was a bit dangerous, being out after curfew. If he got caught he’d be in loads of trouble, but he’d determined the reward was worth the risk. He would sit here in this window and watch the west doors to the castle until he caught Lupin in the act…or until someone else caught him.</p><p>His battered old watch ticked steadily on in the dark. He was starting to get bored — and very cold — when a flash of movement caught his attention. Yes — there he was! There, under a pale stretch of moonlight, he could just make out the form of a boy moving across the grounds towards the forest. Severus squinted into a pair of Omnioculars he’d nicked from a dorm-mate. He gave one of the dials a furious little spin to focus the image. It was definitely Lupin…but he wasn’t alone: Madam Pomfrey was walking briskly along beside him. Did…did the Matron <em>know</em>? But then why would she be going with him? That didn’t make any sense at all. For one thing, no human could be around a werewolf during his transformation without risk of death, dismemberment, contamination…</p><p>“Evening, Snivellus,” said a soft voice behind him.</p><p>Severus whirled around to see Sirius Black and James Potter watching him from the other end of the corridor. He dove into his pocket for his wand, but Potter was faster. “<em>Expelliarmus!</em>”</p><p>Severus’s wand went flying down the hall, and the pair of Omnioculars clattered to the floor. Potter’s gaze landed on them and his eyes narrowed.</p><p>“Tsk, tsk,” said Black as he strolled closer. “Don’t you know it’s after hours? You should be coiled up in the dungeons like a good little snake.”</p><p>“You’re one to talk.”</p><p>“Yes, well, James and I have important business to attend to. And you’re in our way.”</p><p>Though most of Severus’s attention was focused on the wand Black pointed lazily at his heart, he couldn’t help but watch out of the corner of his eye as Potter collected the Omnioculars from the floor and peered into them. By the way he fiddled the replay dial, Severus knew he was rewatching Madam Pomfrey escort Lupin across the grounds.</p><p>“Oi,” said Potter, elbowing Black. “Look at this.”</p><p>Black took the Omnioculars from Potter and held them up to his own eyes. His scowl deepened and he swore softly under his breath as he replayed the scene. He twisted the dial and watched it again. Then, after what appeared to be a moment of deliberation, he opened his hand with an exaggerated flex and the Omnioculars crashed to the floor.</p><p>“Oops,” said Black, and then he stomped his foot onto the Omnioculars — hard. The shrill ring of shattered glass echoed through the corridor. Severus just barely managed to suppress a small moan of disappointment. That had been his proof, the proof he’d so desperately needed…to convince Lily, to finally, <em>finally</em> enact his vengeance upon the so-called Marauders…</p><p>But there was nothing to be done, and he had more pressing concerns at the moment. Black and Potter were eying him with distinct malice. “What d’you reckon, Prongs?” drawled Black, looking Severus up and down with an unpleasant smirk, as though deciding where to aim the first hex. “Heads or tails?”</p><p>“Why not both?” said Potter, and he raised his wand.</p><p>Severus’s eyes darted from Black and Potter to his own abandoned wand at the end of the corridor. He needed to buy himself some time. Distract them somehow. “I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be brave,” he said. “You can’t even face me with my wand in hand.”</p><p>“I could,” replied Black in a bored voice, “but like I said, we have things to do. I’d rather just hex you and get on with it.”</p><p>Severus sneered. “Well, they do say the Blacks are a bit unstable. Must be all the inbreeding. Aren’t your mother and father first cousins?”</p><p>There was a flash of light from Black’s wand, and suddenly Severus found himself shoved up against the stone wall, Black’s hand around his throat, his wand jabbing painfully under his chin.</p><p>“I rest my case,” said Severus coolly, but inside he was scolding himself. That was stupid. That was poking a sleeping dragon kind of stupid.</p><p>“Bit rich coming from you,” growled Black. “You, who’s so desperate to fit in with his Slytherin betters, so desperate to have a speck of pure blood…you’re <em>pathetic</em>.” And he spat in Severus’s face. Severus winced as the glob of saliva slid down his cheek.</p><p>“At least I’m not a blood traitor,” he croaked. His windpipe was being uncomfortably pressured by Black, but Severus’s own fury was now loud enough to drown out the little voice that told him to be sensible, to try not to make Black any angrier. “Shame, at least your brother’s got the right—” But he was unable to finish this sentence as Black, enraged, tightened his grip.</p><p>“Oi, get off him, mate,” said Potter. “Improved as he might be with a crushed larynx, it’s probably not in our best interests long term.”</p><p>Black relaxed his grip, and Severus doubled over, taking a deep, rasping gasp of air.</p><p>Now Potter stepped forward. “What I don’t get,” he said coldly, “is how Evans doesn’t see right through you.”</p><p>At this, Severus looked up sharply. “You don’t know anything about her,” he snarled.</p><p>“I know that she hates Death Eaters, and <em>everyone</em> knows that you’re pickling yourself in the Dark Arts…so how have you fooled Evans? Go on, I’m genuinely curious.”</p><p>Severus glared at him, hatred flooding his every impulse. No…he didn’t get to talk about Lily. Severus wasn’t a fool: He had noticed the way Potter had begun to watch her, the way his eyes followed her around in class. He’d hardly be the first boy in school to fancy her, and she’d certainly dated some idiots. Severus tolerated them because he knew they were fleeting distractions…but no…not <em>Potter</em>.</p><p>Severus wouldn’t allow it.</p><p>Potter waved a hand in front of his face. “Hello? No? Nothing? Have you told her that you’re Team Voldemort?”</p><p>The name hit him like ice water, and Severus jerked away as though slapped. Even Black gave a little start of alarm. You weren’t supposed to say it out loud. No one said it out loud. No one <em>ever</em> said it out loud. Severus reeled. “You have no idea what you’re talking about, you ignorant—”</p><p>“Oh, shut up,” said Potter. “You’re boring. <em>Langlock</em>.”</p><p>And Severus did indeed shut up, both from the fact that his tongue had glued itself to the roof of his mouth and from the shock of it all. That was one of <em>his</em> spells. Severus hadn’t shown it to anyone…there was no way that Potter could possibly know…</p><p>“<em>Levicorpus</em>,” said Potter lazily, and Severus was hoisted up by his ankle, his robes spilling around his spluttering face. Another one of his spells. How could he—?</p><p>Potter eyed him with smug satisfaction. “Didn’t know I knew those, did you?”</p><p>Black was laughing. All Severus could do, silent and swinging upside down, was seethe at them.</p><p>“You think you’re clever,” said Potter savagely, taking another step forward so he stood uncomfortably close, “coming up with all these little jinxes and spells. You’re not. You’re just a two-bit Death Eater wannabe with a Dark Arts-addled brain and a shampoo deficiency.” He paused, flicking a strand of hair out of Severus’s face with his wand before leaning in very close. “And one day, Evans will realize that, mark my words. And then she’ll never spare another breath for the greasy, miserable waste of space that is you.”</p><p>Potter straightened up and pocketed his wand before turning back to Black. “Right,” he said brightly. “We’re going to be late. Goodnight, <em>Snivellus</em>.”</p><p>Black smirked. “Yeah, and don’t worry. I’m sure Filch will be along eventually. ‘Round sunrise, I expect. He’ll be very interested to hear what you’re doing out of bed.”</p><p>“You can tell him you were just hanging out,” suggested Potter, and the two boys turned to leave, snickering.</p><p>Panic surged through him, but his tongue had finally begun to loosen from the roof of his mouth. “I saw him,” Severus rasped, throwing caution to the wind. “Lupin…<em>I saw him</em>. I know what you’re up to, and I’m going to make sure you’re expelled.”</p><p>Potter and Black both stopped and turned back to observe the boy dangling behind them. “You didn’t see anything,” said Black harshly. “And you’re too stupid to understand it even if you did.”</p><p>And then his two enemies disappeared around the corner.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Severus hung miserably in the air as all the blood in his body rushed to his head. He thought about shouting for help, but he couldn’t be sure who would hear him. He was better off trying to find his own way down. His wand lay in a patch of moonlight at the other end of the corridor. If he could just reach it…if he could just summon it…</p><p>With a deep, steadying breath, Severus focused all his energy on the wand. It twitched a little but remained steadfastly at the other end of the hall. He’d done intentional wandless magic a few times before, but it was hard, really hard. It required a lot of power and intense concentration…something he was struggling with while hanging upside down.</p><p>His efforts were interrupted, however, by the sound of footsteps approaching behind him. He froze. If he was very lucky, it would be Professor Slughorn. While Severus was no favorite of his, the Potions Master hated giving detentions unless he absolutely had to, especially to members of his own house. If he was unlucky, it would be Filch…or worse, McGonagall.</p><p>“I say, you do seem to be in rather a pickle, don’t you?”</p><p>Severus twisted painfully to see the source of this slick, unfamiliar voice, but he needn’t have bothered; the boy stepped obligingly into view. Tall and thin with the sinewy build of a thoroughbred horse, he had a narrow face and dark hair lacquered to his skull like an oil spill. Though he didn’t know his name, Severus recognized the boy. He was a sixth year and a member of a fairly exclusive group of Slytherins who, as a rule, had very little to do with dirty half-bloods like Severus. Any disgust the boy may have had for him, however, was currently masked behind an expression of polite bewilderment.</p><p>“Forgive me,” he said, “I’m unfamiliar with this spell.”</p><p>“My…wand…” grunted Severus.</p><p>The boy followed Severus’s gaze to the other end of the hall where his wand still lay. He promptly strode over, picked it up, and handed it to the upside-down fifth year dangling before him. Severus muttered the counter-jinx under his breath and collapsed in a purple-faced heap on the hard, stone floor. He took several tremulous breaths, the blood in his head still pounding against his temple.</p><p>“Not to rush you,” said the boy amiably, “but I think we might want to get back to the common room, it being after hours and all.”</p><p>Severus pushed himself up, still breathing heavily. “Yeah.”</p><p>“I’m Corin, by the way. Corin Mulciber.” He extended a hand, and to Severus’s increasing consternation, he found himself shaking it.</p><p>“Severus Snape,” he muttered.</p><p>“Yes, I know,” said Mulciber, and he began to stroll towards the dungeons. Severus trailed after him, feeling uncomfortably like a stray dog following the nice boy home. “Interesting little hex you’ve got there,” Mulciber continued, pausing for Severus to catch up. “I don’t think I’ve seen it before.”</p><p>“No one has,” said Severus furiously. “I invented it. I don’t know how <em>he</em> knew it…”</p><p>“He?”</p><p>Severus chewed his tongue, hatred coursing through his veins like the blood still spilling back to the rest of his body. “James Potter.”</p><p>“Ah. Miserable little blood traitor, isn’t he? Poncing around like he’s Godric reincarnated, just because he’s caught a Quaffle once or twice. Still, I heard you sliced up Potter’s nose something special on the train. Is that true?”</p><p>Severus blinked. “That was ages ago. How’d you hear that?”</p><p>Mulciber smiled. “I make it a point to hear about those who curse miserable little blood traitors.”</p><p>They had reached the dank expanse of dungeon wall behind which the Slytherin common room was hidden. Mulciber announced the password, then stood back for Severus to step through. “Of course,” Mulciber went on once they were both safely inside. “Sirius Black is even worse, isn’t he? A blood traitor of a different class. It’s one thing for a Potter to be a blood traitor — they’ve always been grimy Mudblood lovers — but Black?” Mulciber shook his head sadly. “Such a waste.”</p><p>“Someone ought to teach them a lesson,” spat Severus, whose thoughts were still dangling upside down in that corridor.</p><p>Mulciber’s smile widened. “I like you, Severus. You’ve got…<em>vision</em>. You’ll join us for dinner tomorrow night.”</p><p>It wasn’t a question.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hi hello I am back online and very behind on everything but for now here's Severus making poor choices. :)</p><p>love you all &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. The Writing on the Stall</h2></a>
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<h1>LILY</h1>
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<h2>The Writing on the Stall</h2><p>“I heard he cheated on her.”</p><p>“No!”</p><p>“With who?”</p><p>“Lily Evans.”</p><p>“You’re <em>joking</em>.”</p><p>“Bertha Jorkins said Alodie found them snogging behind that tapestry on the fifth floor.”</p><p>“Poor Alodie!”</p><p>The stall in which Lily currently sat was one of the dingier ones in the first floor girls’ toilet. She’d only meant to pop in for a quick pee before Potions, but no sooner had she shut the stall door than had a group of fourth years filed in, effectively trapping her there, unseen, unnoticed, forced to listen to their hyperbolic retelling of the week’s hottest gossip. She tried to distract herself by reading the graffiti on the stall door, scribbles of <em>KC loves SB</em> and <em>Hobgoblins Forever</em>…but she couldn’t quite tune them out.</p><p>“Wasn’t Lily Evans dating the Ravenclaw Seeker?”</p><p>“Anson Nott, that’s right.”</p><p>“She obviously likes Quidditch players.”</p><p>“But not too picky about which <em>position</em>.”</p><p>“What a slut.”</p><p>“Well, you <em>know</em> what they say about Muggle girls…”</p><p>“And of course, she’s been obsessed with James Potter for years…”</p><p>“Bertram Aubrey said —”</p><p>At this, Lily could stomach no more. She did not want to know what Bertram Aubrey had said. Gathering her courage, she stood and flushed the toilet. It echoed accusingly throughout the room, and the gossiping girls fell silent as Lily marched out of the stall. She didn’t deign to acknowledge them. Instead, she walked coolly to the sink and washed her hands. Relishing their discomfort, she took the time to check her hair in the mirror and reapply her lipstick just for show. Then she left without a word.</p><p>“Oh my <em>god</em>,” she heard one of the girls giggle as the door swung shut.</p><p>Lily was no stranger to gossip about herself. She’d overheard people talking about her plenty of times before, but it never got any easier. Leaving the girls to enjoy their bacchanal of fresh scandal, she walked briskly down the corridor that led to the dungeons. Her detour and subsequent delay in the toilet meant that she was late for class; everyone else was already seated and setting up their cauldrons as she arrived.</p><p>With a deep breath, Lily carefully arranged her expression to one of placid indifference and walked stonily to the front of class, taking her seat by Mary and pointedly ignoring the hiss of whispers from the other girls behind her.</p><p>“Sorry I’m late, Professor,” she said as Professor Slughorn approached. “I was…held up.”</p><p>“Would you say you were <em>waylaid</em>?” a sly voice whispered from the back of the dungeon. A few titters rang sharply in her ear.</p><p>Lily’s shoulders tensed at the quip, but she did not turn around to see who had hissed it. It sounded like a Slytherin, but she couldn’t be sure.</p><p>Professor Slughorn, however, did not seem to hear. “Not to worry, Lily m’dear,” he said in his usual jovial manner. “We’re doing Everlasting Elixirs today, but that will be old hat for you! Now,” he peered down at her with faux admonishment, “why haven’t I seen you at my little dinners lately, hm?”</p><p>“Oh,” Lily deflected. The truth was that she’d been aggressively avoiding the Slug Club ever since she’d ended things with Anson, but she couldn’t tell Professor Slughorn that. “I’ve just been absolutely swamped with my schoolwork. O.W.L.s, you know…”</p><p>“Well, well, it’s important to study hard, but you know what they say about all work and no play — no, no, Pettigrew, add the Valerian root <em>after</em> the knarl quills! Oh dear…”</p><p>And he bustled off, leaving Lily to set up her cauldron in faint relief.</p><p>“No one else would’ve gotten away with that,” said Mary, shaking her head. “Must be nice to be one of Slughorn’s favorites.”</p><p>“Yeah,” said Lily sourly. “It’s super great to be me.”</p><p>She dove into her assignment, happy for the escape. The act of brewing a potion always soothed her — the methodical counter-clockwise stirring, the careful counting of knarl quills, the dungeon air fragrant with chopped herbs — but not even this could ease her aggravated mind today.</p><p>She’d been a little astonished at how thoroughly the news of James and Alodie’s break up had permeated the school in the week following their split. She supposed it made sense: Alodie was very popular, and James was a star Quidditch player. What Lily definitely <em>hadn’t</em> anticipated, however, was that <em>she</em> would somehow be dragged into it.</p><p><em>Stupid, naive girl,</em> she thought bitterly as she chopped up her assemblage of ingredients. What had she been thinking, following James behind that tapestry? She’d been so worried about Remus that she hadn’t even thought what it would it look like, going back there with him. Because of course someone would see. Of course someone would make a fuss. If there was one thing Lily had learned about Hogwarts over the years, it was that this school was full of incorrigible gossips.</p><p>“Er — Lily? I think we’re supposed to <em>dice</em> the Valerian root…not grind it to a pulp.”</p><p>Lily, whose mind was still stuck in that grungy toilet listening to those awful girls, glanced up to see Mary watching her with a worried expression. She looked back down at her Valerian root and saw that it was, in fact, mush. With a frustrated sigh, she stood and crossed the dungeon to the supply cabinet to restock and try again. This was unfortunate as it meant walking by the other Gryffindor girls, all of whom seemed to have sided unanimously with the aggrieved Alodie. Lily rummaged around in the supply cabinet, trying to ignore the prickle of glares at her back.</p><p>“You all right?” asked Mary as she returned to her cauldron.</p><p>“Peachy,” said Lily through gritted teeth. She began to slice the Valerian root with somewhat more care this time. “It’s like I’m thirteen again,” she added with a scowl.</p><p>Mary shot her a sideways look. “What <em>were</em> you doing back there with Potter?”</p><p>“Not you too!”</p><p>“What, you can’t even tell me?” said Mary, her tone defensive.</p><p>“I have told you,” said Lily. “We were talking, that’s all. No, please don’t start again, I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone what we talked about. It was nothing scandalous, it’s just — well, I promised. Don’t be cross.”</p><p>“I’m not,” said Mary unconvincingly. “It’s just a bit weird, you having secrets with James Potter, your sworn enemy. You have to admit, it doesn’t look good.”</p><p>Lily gave the Valerian root a slightly-too-aggressive slice. “It doesn’t matter how it looks. None of them saw a damn thing. They’re all just delighted to believe it.”</p><p>“I guess,” said Mary. “Rather saintly of you to keep your mouth shut though, while Potter drags your name through the mud.”</p><p>Lily shook her head. “This isn’t Potter’s fault. This is all Alodie.”</p><p>“You think he’s denying it though? It hardly does <em>his</em> reputation any harm for the whole school to think two girls are fighting over him.”</p><p>Lily struggled for a moment, but ultimately bit her tongue. The insinuation made her blood boil, but what could she do? It <em>hadn’t</em> been his fault. She’d been the one to initiate the conversation, after all. She’d been the one to ask to speak privately. Perhaps it had been foolish to ask about Remus like that, but she’d heard the most recent rumor going around and she just couldn’t bear it. And, if she was being completely honest, she’d wanted to hear what Potter would say.</p><p>Lily was more convinced than ever that Severus was right, that Remus Lupin was indeed a werewolf — and with that certainty came a fierce protectiveness that she had never imagined she’d feel for the quiet, strange, sliced-up boy of Potter and Black’s little gang. She would not cause more suffering to Remus Lupin than his illness already had. And she would not let anyone else, either.</p><p>Lily was no fan of James Potter, but she couldn’t blame him for his silence on this. She’d promised not to tell, and she understood why he couldn’t say a word either. Still, she didn’t like the idea that he was profiting off her slander.</p><p>She stewed over the unfairness of the situation for the rest of the period, until finally Professor Slughorn announced that time was up. Her one consolation was that her potion had turned out beautifully, something Slughorn pointed out to the rest of the class, admiring its perfect scent and color, a simmering sea of pale ochre.</p><p>Her moment of victory, however, was tarnished by a carrying whisper from behind: “Well of course she’s good at potions. Just think of all the love potions she must brew. It’s the only explanation for why so many boys are gawking over <em>her</em>.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“I’m going to fail,” moaned Mary as the two girls trudged along behind the herd of students leaving the dungeons. Slughorn had not been nearly so complimentary about Mary’s sludge-like potion. “I’m going to fail <em>everything</em>.”</p><p>“No, you’re not.”</p><p>“Yes, I am. I’m too stupid for O.W.L.s. I can’t even brew a simple Everlasting Elixir!”</p><p>“That’s nonsense,” said Lily. “Everlasting Elixirs aren’t simple. Anyone could’ve made the same mistake.”</p><p>“You wouldn’t have,” sniffed Mary.</p><p>“Maybe not,” she admitted, “but did you see me in Transfiguration yesterday? I’m pretty sure mice aren’t supposed to have that many limbs.”</p><p>“Stop trying to make me feel better. I’m going to fail all my exams because I’m rubbish at everything.”</p><p>“You are not,” said Lily. “You’re just tired and stressed. Look, we’ll have a study date, all right? We’ll go over Everlasting Elixirs and anything else you feel unsure about…”</p><p>Lily’s attention was temporarily diverted as they turned the corridor and she noticed Severus walking a few paces ahead. He was flanked on either side by Adam Avery and Corin Mulciber.</p><p>“Tonight?” asked Mary. “We have that essay due for Dearborn tomorrow and I’m completely lost on…Lily?”</p><p>Lily pulled her attention back to her friend. “Tonight,” she agreed. “Absolutely. Listen, I’ll catch up with you at dinner, all right?”</p><p>Mary followed Lily’s gaze down the hall and saw Severus. Her expression turned stony and she barely concealed rolling her eyes. “Whatever,” she said, and she walked away without another word.</p><p>As Lily hurried after the three Slytherins, she reflected that she would have to smooth things over with Mary later, but the sight of Severus with those two boys was a more urgent concern. It made her uneasy. Housemates they may be, but Severus had never been friends with <em>those</em> Slytherins.</p><p>She kept her distance, observing them from a few paces away. Severus was talking enthusiastically to the other two; she couldn’t hear what he was saying, but she could tell by his body language that he was deeply invested in whatever it was. She hoped he wasn’t telling them his theory about Remus…</p><p>Avery said something to Severus, who shook his head vigorously, and for a moment Lily was afraid Avery might hex him…but then Mulciber clapped Severus on the back and Avery nodded in approval. As Severus turned his head, she saw that he was smiling.</p><p>Lily stopped walking and stared, stunned, as the boys disappeared into the crowds of students. She stepped out of the flow of the corridor and headed up a small stairwell to the second floor instead. She was in no hurry to get to dinner and be scowled at by Alodie and the other girls, and she needed a quiet moment to process what she’d just seen.</p><p>Severus was being friendly with Avery and Mulciber? That didn’t make sense. He wasn’t friends with them. He had <em>never</em> been friends with them. So what was he up to? She wandered aimlessly along the second floor, pondering this question. It was true they hadn’t talked much lately, not since she’d shot down his theory about Remus Lupin. She was irritated with him for pressing the matter, and he seemed to be irritated with her for not taking his side. But if he was palling around with the likes of Avery and Mulciber, maybe there was more going on that she was missing…</p><p>Avery and Mulciber! Mulciber, who’d leered at her through every Slug Club dinner…and Avery, the boy who had whispered the M-word in her ear for years…</p><p>She scowled at this thought.</p><p>The first time Lily had ever been called a Mudblood, she’d laughed. She’d been a first year and had just thought it a stupid name. A silly attempt at an insult. What did she care? It wasn’t until an older girl had taken her aside and told her very solemnly that she should never, ever let anyone call her ‘the M-word,’ that Lily realized it was something truly bad. The second time it happened, she’d stuck up her nose and walked away. The third time, she’d socked the prat in the jaw.</p><p>After the fourth time, she’d stopped reacting altogether.</p><p>She’d heard students from every house use it at one point or another. Even members of her own house. Oh, Gryffindor loved to put on a great performance of piety, especially when comparing themselves to their arch-enemies, the Slytherins, but she knew plenty of them thought it, even if they kept quiet in company, and more than one of them had thrown the slur around in her hearing. Trying to be edgy and cool, she suspected, curious to see if they could get away with it. They always did.</p><p>Which is why on this day, as she meandered through the second floor corridor, Lily neither blinked nor slowed her step when she heard someone shout, “Hey, Mudblood!”</p><p>It wasn’t that she was numb to it, exactly. The word still stung, but she had learned long ago that the worst thing she could do was show any sign of upset. It only made matters worse, encouraged them to push a little harder, to see if they could break her. Which is why Lily didn’t turn her head or look up to find who had shouted, and why she didn’t see the great slop of mud until it had hit her squarely in the chest.</p><p>The world seemed to stop.</p><p>The front of her robes dripped with thick, viscous mud. It had splattered onto her face, into her hair. She felt a glob of it slide down her chin, tasted muck on her lips. Her whole body had seized up in shock, but after a moment she turned her head as slowly as the dripping mud to see who had sent the spell: Isolde Greengrass and her group of Slytherin friends giggled shrilly as they disappeared around a corner.</p><p>And Lily just stood there, frozen, trying to steady her breath, trying to keep herself from bursting into tears as the mud seeped through her robes. The corridor was not particularly crowded, but neither was it empty. To Lily, however, it seemed filled to capacity, bursting with students who all gawked at her. A few people gasped. One or two snickered. Most looked quickly away and continued down the corridor.</p><p><em>Pull yourself together</em>, she thought angrily, and with this, the world came rushing back to life. She unstuck her feet from the floor and stormed down the hall, blinking fiercely — she wouldn’t cry in front of them, she w<em>ouldn’t</em> — but tears were at bay, so she pushed heavily through the doors of the first toilet she encountered.</p><p>The door swung shut behind her with a harsh clatter, and Lily practically collapsed onto the basin of a chipped sink as the sobs she’d suppressed in the hall escaped her. She wrenched the sink’s copper taps and water came gurgling, spitting out. She splashed violently at her face, tears mingling with mud and water; she clawed at her hair — get it out, get it <em>out</em> —</p><p>“Ooooh…”</p><p>Lily froze, her eyes darting up, her hair dripping down her shoulders. Through the mirror’s cracked reflection, she saw the ghost of a girl with thick-rimmed glasses. Her heart sank. In her haste to get out of the corridor, Lily had unwittingly run into Moaning Myrtle’s toilet.</p><p>“You’ve got mud in your hair,” said Myrtle conversationally. “Did you know?”</p><p>“Yes, I noticed,” said Lily.</p><p>Myrtle looked happier than Lily had ever seen her. Apparently another girl’s misery was an appealing antidote to her own. “You must be Muggle-born,” said the ghost.</p><p>Lily, who had returned her attention to her muddied hair, glanced up again in surprise.</p><p>“Oh, yes,” said Myrtle, with a knowing nod. “They did the same to me. You’d think they would’ve gotten more creative in the last few decades, but no…”</p><p>“You were Muggle-born?”</p><p>“Miserable Myrtle, Moaning Myrtle, Ugly-Muggly Myrtle,” recited the ghost in a mean little sing-song voice. “And what’s <em>your</em> name?”</p><p>“Lily Evans.”</p><p>Myrtle’s ghostly eyes glistened behind her glasses. “Ooooh, I know all about <em>you</em>. I keep track of all the graffiti in school, you see. A girl needs a hobby. You should hear some of the things they’ve been writing about you lately.”</p><p>“What have they been writing about me?” asked Lily, before she could stop herself.</p><p>“‘Lily Evans shagged the whole Ravenclaw Quidditch Team,’” intoned Myrtle, clearly enjoying herself. “‘Lily Evans is a boyfriend stealer. Lily Evans is a big, Muggle slut.’”</p><p>Horrified, Lily gaped at Myrtle through the mirror, tears prickling the corners of her eyes once more. Before she could respond, however, a concerned voice echoed through the toilets, calling her name. “Lily?”</p><p>Lily quickly wiped the tears from her eyes as Aisha Collins and Florence Fawley pushed through the door. This would’ve been embarrassing enough, but trotting along eagerly behind the two girls was Bertha Jorkins, renowned gossip queen of the whole school. <em>Great</em>, thought Lily bitterly. <em>Now everyone will know.</em> If Bertha Jorkins learned something at noon, the entire school would know in time for tea.</p><p>And yet, their presence seemed to fortify her, to force her emotions back into the little box where she usually kept them. She took a steadying gulp of air and turned to face the sixth year girls. She must’ve looked really terrible because Florence made a sad little <em>cluck</em> with her tongue, and Bertha’s face positively lit up.</p><p>“Oh, Lily, you poor thing,” said Florence. “We were coming out of Charms when we saw you duck in here.”</p><p>“Wonderful,” said Lily flatly.</p><p>“You should’ve seen her,” crowed Myrtle. “Mud in her hair, her teeth, <em>everywhere</em>.” She sighed happily. “Girls can be so cruel.”</p><p>“Shut up, Myrtle,” said Aisha.</p><p>“Oh, that’s nice! You’re in <em>my</em> toilet, you know. There’s no need to be rude. But of course, no one ever thinks of <em>my</em> feelings…just because I’m <em>dead</em>…!” And with a dramatic wail, Myrtle dove down one of the toilets, slopping water all over the mildewing tile.</p><p>Aisha rolled her eyes, unimpressed. “Good riddance.”</p><p>“Who did it?” demanded Bertha, her eyes glimmering in a manner not entirely unlike Myrtle’s.</p><p>“Isolde Greengrass,” muttered Lily, turning back to the mirror. There wasn’t any point in trying to keep it a secret. Isolde would already be proudly telling everyone anyway.</p><p>“She is so horrid,” said Florence, marching over to the sink. She grabbed a towel and ran it under the tap. “Really, she’s just a horrible, horrible person.”</p><p>“Psycho bitch,” amended Aisha.</p><p>Florence made as though to wipe the mud off her robes with the dampened towel, but Lily stepped away.</p><p>“It’s fine,” she said, because she couldn’t bear to be pitied.</p><p>“I heard the other week Isolde slipped rat dung into Ciara Thompson’s face cream,” said Bertha. “And Eloise Bones saw her—”</p><p>But Florence cut her off. “Aisha, why don’t you and Bertha go on ahead to dinner? I’ll stay and help Lily clean up.” She cast a significant look at Aisha, who seemed to understand.</p><p>“Chin up, Lily,” said Aisha as she headed out the door. “Isolde will get hers, one day…”</p><p>Bertha followed, looking slightly disappointed, as though she’d been cheated out of a good story.</p><p>Though Lily may have been relieved to see the back of Bertha Jorkins, she remained tense and uneasy in Florence’s company. They had hardly spoken since Lily had so abruptly broken up with Anson over a month ago. This was not entirely Florence’s fault. Lily had been avoiding her, having assumed Florence would want nothing to do with her. Florence was one of Anson’s closest friends, after all, long before she’d decided to be nice to Lily at a Slug Club party. For Florence to see her like <em>this</em> after so many weeks of silence was excruciatingly humiliating.</p><p>“Here,” said Florence kindly, “let me help you get the mud out.”</p><p>“It’s okay,” said Lily. “I’ve got it covered.” She pointed her wand at her soiled robes. “<em>Excaresco</em>,” she muttered, siphoning the mud and water from the fabric and into the sink. It swirled down the drain in a depressing brown spiral.</p><p>“Well, at least let me help with your hair.” Florence dug into her purse to produce a small silver comb and as Lily gazed at her own disheveled reflection in the mirror, she felt it would be churlish to refuse. Florence set to work, charming the mud out of her hair, running the comb through long sections. “We’ve missed you at Sluggy’s,” she said after a moment of this.</p><p>Lily squirmed. “I’ve…been really busy with school.”</p><p>“You’ve been busy avoiding Anson,” Florence corrected her.</p><p>“That too.”</p><p>Florence caught her eye in the mirror. “He misses you.”</p><p>Lily looked away, a pang in her chest. She didn’t want to admit it, but she missed him too. Though, she wasn’t entirely certain if she missed him specifically or how obliviously happy she’d been during the months she’d been his girlfriend. Or was that the same thing?</p><p>“Did he tell you why we broke up?” she asked, her eyes firmly on the copper tap. Despite being turned off, it dripped dismally, a plunk of water echoing throughout the toilet.</p><p>Florence ran her comb through a tangled lock of hair. “He said you had a ‘political disagreement.’”</p><p>Lily snorted. “That’s one way to put it.”</p><p>“I’ve known Anson a long time,” said Florence slowly. “He’s not a very political fellow. He likes Quidditch, he likes Charms, and…he likes you. Do you think there’s a chance you two could ever…I don’t know…put politics aside and reconcile?”</p><p>Lily considered it. Could it be that easy? Say sorry, never mind, I didn’t really mean it, and be welcomed back into the fold? Be the cool, popular girl again? The girl who had a seat saved for her at dinner, the girl with the handsome boyfriend…Forget <em>this</em> girl, this Muggle-born freak covered in mud, this girl that even her own house-mates whispered was a cheating slut?</p><p>She could hear Anson’s voice in her head: “My God. It must get awfully lonely up there on your high horse.”</p><p>Yes, it did. She was so lonely she wanted to scream.</p><p>But then remembered Remus in the hospital wing, pale and weak and so clearly suffering, and James with that look on his face as he said, “He’s not dying, but he is sick…and there’s no cure…”</p><p>“They’re not like you and me,” Anson had said of werewolves. “They’re vicious.”</p><p>And Phineas: “They’re not <em>people</em>.”</p><p>If she was being completely honest with herself, if she was admitting to the parts of herself of which she wasn’t very proud, she would have to admit that much of what she’d enjoyed in her relationship with Anson hadn’t been entirely about Anson at all. She had relished being the girl with the cool, older, Quidditch star boyfriend. The girl who got invites to exclusive dinner parties with exclusive friends who gave her every dignity her fellow house-mates never would. The girl who made girls like Alodie and Marlene jealous. She never thought she’d be that girl, and she’d never thought she’d want to, but…yes. She had enjoyed it.</p><p>But it wasn’t worth it. In the end, it wasn’t worth sacrificing her beliefs, her integrity, her soul…for what? Popularity? If being the cool girl meant she had to smile and nod while her new friends talked casually about murdering werewolves…if it meant betraying — even quietly, even unknowingly, even for a moment — a sweet, suffering boy who had done nothing wrong…she couldn’t do it. She <em>wouldn’t</em> do it.</p><p>“No,” Lily said at last. “There’s no chance.”</p><p>Florence looked a little sad. “Well, we can still be friends, right?”</p><p>Lily glanced up at her, surprised by this. Once again, she had assumed Florence would take Anson’s side. “Yeah,” she said uncertainly. “Sure.”</p><p>Florence pulled the comb through her hair one last time. “There,” she smiled. “Good as new. Want to head to dinner with me?”</p><p>“Erm…” Lily ran her hand over the smoothed, mud-free hair. “No offense, but I think I’m going to skip the Great Hall tonight. But thank you, for…you know.”</p><p>She was almost out the door when Florence said: “Lily, you do know that not all pure-bloods think like Isolde Greengrass, don’t you?”</p><p>Lily froze with her hand on the doorknob.</p><p>
  <em>Not all pure-bloods…</em>
</p><p>She thought of all the insults she’d endured over the years, all the sly insinuations, the careless comments that made her feel like an outsider, an alien. <em>You know what they say about Muggle girls</em>…she thought of all the tiny wounds her classmates had inflicted upon her…and upon others…<em>Ugly-Muggly Myrtle</em>…she thought of mud and Mudbloods, the many times the M-word had been lobbed her way, and the silence that always followed…the indifferent shrugs, the careful looks away…</p><p>She turned back to look at Florence, who was watching her in earnest concern. Well-meaning, kind, utterly ignorant. Lily knew what she wanted to hear. She wanted Lily to say that she knew Florence was different. Not all pure-bloods. Not <em>her</em>.</p><p>But why should Lily have to placate <em>her</em> feelings? Why should Lily have to make <em>her</em> feel better, when the truth was so much worse than some pure-blood princess like Florence Fawley could ever begin to comprehend?</p><p>A bubble of rage expanded inside her …and then deflated just as rapidly. Because what was the point? She was tired, too tired to explain to Florence, well-meaning though she may be, what it really meant to be a Mudblood at Hogwarts. Florence would never understand because she didn’t have to — and, on some level, because she didn’t want to.</p><p>“Yeah,” said Lily at last, hating herself. “I know.”</p><p>Florence looked relieved, and Lily felt so much worse.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>She couldn’t bring herself to go to dinner, to sit trapped among her peers who would either be glaring at her on Alodie’s behalf — or worse, pitying her as Bertha retold the tale of Isolde’s mud attack. So instead, she went to the prefects’ bathroom. Florence may have charmed the mud out of her hair, but Lily could still feel the ghost of it sticking to her skin.</p><p>The prefects’ bathroom was one of the perks of wearing the badge. It was a stunningly pretty room, all white marble and glinting golden fixtures — nothing like the sad, dripping pipes of Moaning Myrtle’s toilet — and its tub was large enough to swim laps. She ran the bath as hot as she could handle and soaked until her fingers were pink and pruned. But there didn’t seem to be enough soap in any of the hundred-something taps that lined the tub to wash away the memory of mud, and finally, as a pale sunset began to glimmer through the window panes, Lily decided she would have to face the common room. Still, she took her time drying and plaiting her hair.</p><p>The quickest route from the prefects’ bathroom to Gryffindor Tower led her right past Professor Dearborn’s office, a detail to which she would have given zero thought had she not noticed a dark red splatter on the stone floor outside his door that made her stomach lurch.</p><p>A strange, eery feeling descended upon her as she crossed the hall to further investigate. A slim finger of light pointed out from the cracked door, and she heard faint sounds of scuffling and a thud. Her breath in her throat, Lily knocked.</p><p>To her relief, Professor Dearborn answered. “Yes,” came her professor’s weary voice. “Come in.”</p><p>Feeling slightly silly at her moment of panic, Lily pushed the door open — and immediately gasped. The office was a mess: papers strewn everywhere, books upturned with pages ripped from their bindings, and on the large expanse of wall behind his desk, in dripping, red letters were written the words: GO HOME MUDBLOOD.</p><p>Professor Dearborn, who had been organizing a stack of books in the corner, turned at the sound of her gasp. He looked sorry to see her.</p><p>“Miss Evans,” he said, straightening up. “I apologize — I was expecting Mr. Filch.”</p><p>“What happened here?” asked Lily, gazing around the room aghast. Her eyes locked on the dripping red words. An enchanted sponge was scrubbing fiercely at the crudely-drawn symbol beneath the inscription: a skull with a snake slithering out of its mouth.</p><p>“It’s just paint,” said Dearborn gently. “Jolly hard to get off, though. Mr. Filch is bringing me some heavy duty supplies.”</p><p>“Who did this?”</p><p>“The precise perpetrator has yet to be identified, but…ah — Argus.”</p><p>Lily turned to see Filch enter, carrying a bucket and a large bottle of Mrs. Skower’s All-Purpose Magical Mess Remover. He gave Lily a suspicious look as he sidled in, then turned his gaze to the wall.</p><p>“Filthy hooligans,” said Filch. “This ought to do the trick.”</p><p>“Lovely,” said Dearborn. “No — just leave it, I’ll take care of it. Thanks very much, Argus.”</p><p>And Filch left, shooting another glare at Lily, as though she were responsible for the mess. Dearborn emptied the bottle of Magical Mess Remover into the bucket and with a quick flick of his wand redirected the tireless sponge to scrubbing away the letters. Then he sighed and leaned against his desk, looking at her expectantly.</p><p>“How can I help you?” he asked politely, as though there wasn’t a sponge behind him frantically scrubbing away a slur.</p><p>“What?” said Lily, whose eyes were still glued to the wall.</p><p>“You came to my office,” said Dearborn. “I assume you had a reason?”</p><p>“Oh,” said Lily. She felt too foolish to tell him she’d spotted the paint splatters outside his office and feared — what, exactly? Murder in the corridor? There was no need to be quite so macabre. She fumbled around for a feasible lie. “I — I had a question about — er — it’s not important.”</p><p>“Certainly it is,” said Dearborn.</p><p>Lily, however, was still distracted by the graffiti on his wall. “That symbol,” she said. “The skull with the snake. What does it mean?”</p><p>Dearborn didn’t immediately respond. He examined his fingernails intently for a moment, then sighed and stepped behind his desk to rummage through a drawer. “Forgive me,” he said, pulling out a pack of Benson &amp; Hedges, “but I really need a fag.” He fumbled with the pack and lit a cigarette for himself before glancing over at Lily. “Fancy a smoke?” he asked, extending the package towards her.</p><p>Lily raised her eyebrows. “I mean…yeah, but you’re a professor.”</p><p>Dearborn snorted. “Not for long, if the governors have it their way. Besides, believe it or not, professors are people. I won’t tell if you won’t.”</p><p>After a moment’s hesitation in which Lily calculated that he would get in considerably more trouble for offering her a cigarette than she would for accepting it, Lily agreed that she would, in fact, fancy a smoke.</p><p>“It’s shockingly difficult to to find a decent cigarette in Hogsmeade,” Dearborn said conversationally as he lit her cigarette with his wand. “I always stock up when I’m in London.”</p><p>Lily inhaled deeply and sighed with satisfaction. “I ran out months ago.” Then, not to be put off, she repeated, “The symbol?”</p><p>Dearborn took a long drag on his cigarette before responding. “It’s called the Dark Mark,” he said. “It’s his sign. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. His followers use it as a sort of…signature. It’s almost always found at the scene of a Death Eater attack.”</p><p>Lily’s eyes widened. “You think this was Death Eaters?”</p><p>Dearborn laughed, though not unkindly. “No, no…I think a few of my pupils are You-Know-Who enthusiasts. They must be, to know about the mark. The <em>Prophet</em> has been doing its best to keep the Dark Mark out of the papers. Minchum doesn’t want to cause panic, or so they say…but it’s cropping up more and more.” He waved his cigarette at the wall. “Evidently.”</p><p>“Why does everyone call him ‘You-Know-Who?’” Lily asked, flushing slightly. The question had bothered her for a long time, but she’d never had the courage to bring it up before. Her fellow students liked to talk about <em>him</em> even less than Death Eaters. “Why not just say his name?”</p><p>“Voldemort,” said Dearborn simply, “is his name.”</p><p>Lily stared at him, and she realized that she’d actually never heard anyone say it out loud before.</p><p>“Or at least the name he’s given himself.” Dearborn paused to take another drag on the cigarette before adding: “People don’t like to say it out loud because…well, you see, early on — before Death Eaters became a household name even — there were a lot of grisly attacks on those who used You-Know-Who’s name publicly. Awful things. I won’t tell you what happened to the editor of the <em>Prophet</em> who first let the name go to print, but anyone who was alive then remembers it. No one will ever forget <em>that</em>. People are scared of what will happen should they speak the name — and not without cause.”</p><p>Dearborn was silent for a moment, smoke curling from his cigarette. Then he dropped the butt into an old cup of tea, where it extinguished with a hiss. “It’s an effective strategy for terror, I must admit.”</p><p>"Things are getting worse, aren’t they?” asked Lily quietly, her gaze on the graffitied wall. It seemed that the M-word was haunting her today. “I’ve noticed it. People are getting more…brazen.”</p><p>Dearborn sighed. “Abraxas Malfoy is riling them all up. And yes — it’s getting worse. Attacks are more and more frequent, even when they’re not reported.”</p><p>“How do you know?”</p><p>Dearborn’s expression was one of a man who had accidentally said too much. “I have…sources that keep me up to date,” he said delicately. He glanced at the vandalized wall again. The enchanted sponge was making slow work of it. “I am sorry you had to see this. Now, not to be rude, but I’m afraid I have quite a lot of work ahead of me tonight. Shouldn’t you be getting back to your dormitory?”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Lily stewed over her conversation with Professor Dearborn all the way back to Gryffindor Tower. His brutal honesty was, as always, both refreshing and highly discomfiting.</p><p>
  <em>Abraxas Malfoy is riling them all up.</em>
</p><p>Caught in her own moment of drama, Lily had correlated Isolde Nott’s attack with the Potter scandal, but now she suspected she had not been the only Muggle-born who’d been targeted today. Professor Dearborn’s office certainly suggested as much. Things were escalating — fast.</p><p>“Capelthwaite,” she muttered as she reached the Fat Lady. Another one of Remus Lupin’s strange password suggestions. She climbed through the portrait hole, and only as she entered the soft clamor of the common room did she recall that she had promised to study with Mary tonight. She hadn’t meant to blow her off, but the evening had gotten a bit out of control. She glanced around the common room for her friend, but Mary was nowhere to be found, so she headed for the girls’ dormitory, passing Alodie on her way, who was sitting in a corner looking puffy-eyed and tragic, surrounded by a throng of sympathetic girls. Lily looked steely-eyed ahead, ignoring them as best she could.</p><p>She climbed the stairs to her dormitory and found Mary already in her pajamas in bed, fiddling with the dial on her radio. Mary glanced up as the door closed behind her, then looked determinedly back at the radio, still crackling with static.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” said Lily.</p><p>“Sure you are,” said Mary, twisting the dial so the feedback grew louder.</p><p>“I mean it. I’m really sorry. I — forgot.”</p><p>Mary snorted. “Big surprise.”</p><p>“Look, some stuff happened tonight, and I—”</p><p>“I get it,” said Mary stonily. “You’re too busy for me. I know you’ve got a lot going on right now, what with secretly snogging James Potter and all—”</p><p>“Mary!” said Lily, stung. “You know I didn’t do that.”</p><p>“No, I don’t.” She flicked off the radio in frustration and tossed it on her pillow, then turned to face Lily. Her expression was hostile. “I don’t know anything about you anymore. How could I? You never talk to me. Ever since you started going to <em>Old Sluggy’s</em> parties with your fancy new friends and your fancy new boyfriend…then you break up with him and won’t even tell me why—”</p><p>“I did tell you —”</p><p>“—<em>then</em> you get caught sneaking behind a tapestry with James Potter of all people, and you swear you were ‘just talking’ but you won’t tell me what about — not that I even <em>care</em>, mind you,” she added with a scoff. “My point is: You’ve got stuff going on, fine, but so do I! But you never even ask because you’re too busy snogging all the boys in school. And I never complained. I put up with it, until I finally ask you for one thing, one evening of you precious attention, and you can’t even give me that! No, you see Severus Sodding Snape in the hall and you run off after him and I don’t see you all evening. What, are you snogging him too?”</p><p>Lily gaped at Mary, completely caught off-guard by this tirade and the low-blow of bringing up Severus like that. “You know we’re just friends,” she said coldly.</p><p>“I don’t know <em>why</em>,” said Mary, refusing to back down. “Honestly, Lily, why are you friends with him?”</p><p>“Oh, come on. We’re not having this argument again.”</p><p>“He’s a Death Eater!” cried Mary with uncharacteristic vehemence. “You of all people—”</p><p>“He is not a Death Eater,” snapped Lily. “You don’t know anything about him.”</p><p>“I know the people he hangs around, and that’s enough. Open your eyes, Lily. You refuse to see it! No, you’re convinced he’s a work-in-progress, because Lily Evans always has to have a bloody charity case —”</p><p>“You don’t seem to mind so much when it’s you!”</p><p>The words spilled out before she could stop them, and she regretted them immediately. Mary stared at her, eyebrows raised, the hurt evident in her face.</p><p>“Well, there you have it,” said Mary in a hollow voice.</p><p>“I didn’t mean—”</p><p>“Forget it, Lily. We both know you’re so good at that.”</p><p>And Mary wrenched her bed curtains shut.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>Lily awoke the next morning determined to put things right. She’d apologize again, she’d explain what had happened, she’d promise to do better…and Mary, surely, would apologize for all the horrid things <em>she</em> had said, and then all would go back to normal between them, and everything would be okay. But when Lily pulled open her bed curtains, she found that Mary had already left.</p><p>She dressed quickly and descended the stairs, feeling slightly ill. The fact that she’d only eaten a week-old pumpkin pasty for dinner last night did not help matters. She cast a hopeful glance around the common room, in case Mary had miraculously decided to wait for her before going on to breakfast, but no luck. She did, however, catch sight of James Potter, lounging on a sofa near the portrait hole as he held court with a handful of boys from the Gryffindor Quidditch team, all of them laughing at whatever he was saying.</p><p>Inexplicably, she felt a wave of fury and jealousy rise up inside her. No one was tormenting him. No one was writing horrible slurs about <em>him</em> in the toilets. She recalled what Mary had said yesterday about how it certainly didn’t hurt <em>his</em> reputation for everyone to think two girls were fighting over him, and her temper crackled. Barely thinking it though, she marched across the common room.</p><p>“Are you telling people we hooked up?” she demanded, ignoring the other boys who regarded her with raised eyebrows and amused expressions.</p><p>“What? No,” said James, and he had the decency to look taken aback for half a second, before he glanced at the boys around him, his audience, and his expression slipped back into that familiar old smirk. “Why, did you want to? Give ‘em something to really talk about, eh?”</p><p>“Oh, go snog a dementor,” Lily spat, and she stormed off through the portrait hole, the boys snickering behind her. She was a few paces down the hall when she heard a voice call after her. “Hang on!”</p><p>She turned to see James jogging to catch up. Out of earshot from his admirers, his voice was kinder, apologetic. “I’m sorry,” he said. “That was a bad joke. Sometimes my mouth says things before my brain catches up. But I’ve told anyone who’s asked that we were just talking, I swear.” He hesitated. “You — ah — you haven’t told people what we talked about, have you?”</p><p>“I keep my promises,” said Lily coolly.</p><p>“Right,” said James. “Thanks.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Look, Alodie’s just upset because we split up. Don’t sweat it. The whole thing will blow over in no time. You know how Hogwarts is.”</p><p>Lily did know. She was intimately familiar with all the intricate cruelties of the Hogwarts gossip mill. “Easy for you to say,” she muttered. And it was easy for him. He’d been cast as the hapless victim in this whole drama, the boy too popular for his own good. Lily was the villain, the jealous seductress, the malevolent Muggle-born, stealing what rightfully belonged to poor, wronged, pure-blood Alodie Blunt.</p><p>James, however, seemed blithely oblivious to this whole narrative. “Are you headed to breakfast?” he asked.</p><p>She admitted she was.</p><p>“Great, I’ll walk with you.”</p><p>Lily eyed him suspiciously. “Why?”</p><p>“…because sometimes I too start the day with a light meal?”</p><p>She glared at him, trying to work out his angle. He was only going to make things worse, if anyone saw them together…but it was no good. He just smiled back at her. “Suit yourself,” she said, and she took off at a brisk clip. He caught up easily with his long-limbed strides.</p><p>“So,” he said conversationally, “are you still going out with Bertram Aubrey?”</p><p>“What?” Lily jerked her gaze up at him, taken aback by the abruptness of this question. “No. Who told you I was going out with Bertram Aubrey?”</p><p>“I just saw you two together and thought —”</p><p>“We went on one date,” said Lily angrily, more to herself than to James. “<em>One</em>. And that wasn’t — I was just upset about Ans—” she stopped herself, suddenly remembering that this was none of his business. “You know, I really don’t want to talk about it.”</p><p>“Okay. Sorry,” said James, but she thought he seemed pleased by her response.</p><p>They walked on in awkward silence — or at least it was awkward for Lily. James didn’t seem bothered at all, strolling along cheerfully with his hands in his pockets. She wished he’d just go away. She wanted to be alone. Memories of her horrible yesterday were already swirling around in her head, and now she had to add thoughts of stupid Bertram Aubrey to the mix.</p><p>She’d only agreed to go out with him because she’d been upset about breaking up with Anson, upset about the all-too-familiar loneliness that had descended upon her in the aftermath, and — okay, she’d admit it — upset by Alodie’s constant gloating about her perfect relationship with Potter (who Lily did not want to date, but it was the principle of the matter!). And then Bertram had sidled up to her in the common room one evening and said nice things and asked her to Hogsmeade…and then he’d tried to stick his tongue down her throat and his hands up her skirt…</p><p>“So I was thinking,” said James, interrupting these unpleasant reveries, “since you’re not going out with Aubrey, and I’m not going out with Alodie…d’you want to go out with me?”</p><p>Lily froze. “Excuse me?”</p><p>“Do you want to go out with me?” he repeated, still smiling at her in that infuriating way.</p><p>“You’re kidding, right? This is another ‘bad joke’?”</p><p>“Er — no?”</p><p>“I can’t go out with you!”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“You just broke up with Alodie, for one thing, and in case you’ve forgotten, everyone thinks you cheated on her with me! If I went out with you it would just confirm in everyone’s minds something that isn’t even true.”</p><p>“Ah…” Something akin to comprehension dawned on James’s face. “Well, the timing’s not ideal, I grant you, but who cares what people think?”</p><p>“Oh, stop it,” snapped Lily. “Just stop. I realize everything is a big joke to you, but I have to live in this school too, and you are making it really, really hard. Besides,” she added, her temper mounting dangerously, “the joke is getting old, Potter. In fact, the joke is already old and wrinkly and decrepit! The joke grew up and had lots of little disappointing joke children, and now the joke is lying alone on its death-bed wondering what the hell happened to its sad, little joke life! That’s how old the joke is!”</p><p>James looked genuinely — and justifiably — baffled by this outburst. “…What?”</p><p>Lily struggled for moment in her fury. Unable to think of anything more eloquent to say, she snarled, “Go to hell,” and then she veered in the opposite direction and took refuge in the one place she knew he would not follow: the girls’ toilet. She seemed to be spending a lot of time here these days. This toilet was mercifully empty and she plopped down into a stall and burst into tears.</p><p>She couldn’t believe him. She’d actually given him the benefit of the doubt. For a moment — back behind that tapestry, talking about Remus — she’d actually thought that maybe he was more decent than she’d given him credit…but he was just the same as he’d always been, just the same as everyone else in this horrible school…treating her like nothing more than a big joke.</p><p>The tears kept coming. She tried to muffle her sobs into her hands, but they echoed accusingly around the empty toilet. It really did feel like she was thirteen again: Alodie Blunt ruining her life and James Potter mocking her to her face while the rest of the school laughed behind her back.</p><p>Eventually, when she could cry no more, she raised her head, blinking away tears, and that was when she saw it: carved into the stall door, nestled among the graffiti of inside jokes and engraved declarations of love, was a crudely-drawn skull with a snake slithering out of its mouth.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Alternative Title: Lily Evans and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.</p><p>.....So, pros: I gave you an extra long Lily chapter! Cons: I made her cry.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. A Potter's Persistence</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  
</p><h1>JAMES</h1><hr/><h2>A Potter's Persistence</h2><p>James wasn’t particularly bothered by his current position at the center of school scandal, but he did wish that Alodie would stop bursting into tears every time he walked by. She had taken their breakup very hard indeed, and though he admitted he could perhaps have been a bit more ‘tactful’ (that was Remus’s word) in how he’d ended things, he found her reaction to be unnecessarily dramatic.</p><p>“I don’t get what she’s so upset about,” he complained to his friends as they left breakfast one morning, Alodie’s napkin-smothered sobs echoing behind them. “We only dated for what, a month?”</p><p>“It was rather…brief,” said Remus. Tactfully.</p><p>James sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets as they slumped their way towards class. Alodie’s attitude was causing him trouble on multiple fronts. For one thing, it was exhausting. For another, it wasn’t helping matters with Lily, who now seemed to be going out of her way to avoid him. James put this all down to a matter of poor timing. He shouldn’t have asked her out immediately after dumping Alodie, he saw that now. He’d just been so pleased to be done with the whole charade, and what’s more, he’d been pretty sure that if he didn’t ask Lily Evans out soon, someone else would beat him to it.</p><p>He just hadn’t expected her to get so <em>angry</em>.</p><p>But then again, he consoled himself, she hadn’t exactly said no, either. She’d said she couldn’t go out with him because he’d just broken up with Alodie…not that she wouldn’t go out with him <em>ever</em>. He resigned himself to waiting a while, and then he’d try again.</p><p>The good news was that he had plenty with which to occupy his mind. As March began to melt, Quidditch practice started up again. He was confident about the upcoming match — they’d beaten Slytherin before — but he wasn’t about to leave anything to chance, and so he began spending enormous amounts of time at the pitch, running drills and trying out new techniques, both with and without his teammates. This was an excellent strategy for keeping his mind off Lily Evans, and it was extremely effective…except for all the times when he had to, you know, see her.</p><p>Which was every day.</p><p>Multiple times a day.</p><p>Hell.</p><p>His resolve to be patient was sorely tested as he came across her in the courtyard one Sunday afternoon on his way back from the Quidditch pitch. It was a nice day, chilly but with soft strokes of sunshine that tempted a fuller spring just around the corner. Lily was perched on the ledge along the cloisters, a book propped open against her folded knees, twirling her wand distractedly between her fingers, lips just barely parted as she murmured some unheard charm. He considered her from afar for a long, tormented moment. It had been a full week of heroic restraint since their last encounter; he figured he’d waited long enough.</p><p>“All right, Evans?”</p><p>She looked up, and her soft expression hardened. “Potter.”</p><p>He sat down on the ledge next to her, and she hastily scooted her knees away. He grinned. “Guess what I’m doing next weekend.”</p><p>“Reorganizing your sock drawer?” replied Lily with a valiant attempt to keep her attention focused on her book.</p><p>“No, going to Hogsmeade. With you, hopefully.”</p><p>“Mmm, I think you’ve got better luck with your sock drawer.”</p><p>“Ah, come on Evans,” coaxed James. “One date. I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”</p><p>“Can’t,” said Lily, stuffing her book into her bag and standing up. “I’m busy.”</p><p>“Doing what?”</p><p>She thought for a moment. “Reorganizing my sock drawer.”</p><p>And she strolled away across the courtyard.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>If there was one thing James had learned from Quidditch, however, it was that persistence was the key to success. If you fell off the broomstick, you got right back on. That’s what his dad always said. So it was with this sense of indomitable spirit that he approached her in the common room later that evening. He spotted her sitting tucked alone in a corner and dropped himself casually into the armchair across from her.</p><p>“Hello,” he said brightly.</p><p>Lily merely gave him a disdainful sort of look. He wished he could figure out why that was the only sort of look she ever gave him.</p><p>“Have you thought anymore about my offer?”</p><p>“As a matter of fact I did, and it spoiled my whole dinner.”</p><p>He laughed. “Touché. Still, I wish you’d reconsider.”</p><p>“And I wish you’d go away.”</p><p>James waved a hand blithely. “If wishes were hippogriffs…”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“It’s a proverb — er, never mind. Look, just give me one good reason why you <em>shouldn’t</em> go out with me. And don’t say Alodie, because that’s all in the past.”</p><p>“Because I don’t want to?”</p><p>“Okay, give me two good reasons why you shouldn’t—”</p><p>“Why don’t <em>you</em> give me one good reason why I should?” said Lily.</p><p>James considered this. “Well, I did save your life that one time. You remember, with the grindylows at the lake…”</p><p>Lily flushed bright pink. “You did not — I would’ve been — I was completely—” she spluttered, then she took a steadying breath. “I thought we agreed never to talk about that.”</p><p>“Tell you what,” said James cheerfully. “Go out with me, and I’ll never bring it up again.”</p><p>Lily groaned and gave him an exasperated look; a mild variation of the disdainful look, it featured slightly more scowling and a dramatically creased brow. “What is this, Potter? What do you want from me?”</p><p>“A date. Have I not made that part clear?”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because I like you.”</p><p>“No, you don’t,” said Lily. “You don’t even know me.”</p><p>James opened his mouth to protest this — they had gone to school together for nearly five years after all — but he realized she had a point. He knew how to best annoy her; he knew that she was squeamish about slugs (a fact he had put to frequent use over the years); he knew that despite this slug aversion she was very good at Potions, but beyond that…he didn’t know any of the meaty details that made up a friendship, let alone a romance.</p><p>“Okay,” he said at last. “You’re right.”</p><p>Lily raised her eyebrows. “I am?”</p><p>“Yes. You and I don’t actually know each other very well, but you know what the obvious solution to that is?”</p><p>“Graciously accepting my ‘no’ and moving on with your life?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Didn’t think so.”</p><p>“Coffee.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Coffee!” repeated James, leaning forward enthusiastically. “That’s how people get to know each other better. And do you know where they have excellent coffee?”</p><p>Lily sighed.</p><p>“Hogsmeade,” concluded James with satisfaction. “So, what do you say?”</p><p>She frowned at him for a long moment then shook her head. “I say: I don’t even like coffee.”</p><p>“See, I didn’t know that. It’s already working.”</p><p>“Goodnight, Potter.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>On Tuesday, he tried again.</p><p>“Hey, Evans—!”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>It was a brief yet courageous effort.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>By Friday afternoon James had made a total of three-and-a-half unsuccessful attempts to ask Lily Evans on a date, and he was feeling a bit gloomy about his prospects. Matters were not improved when he saw her talking emphatically with Parker Bishop, a fifth year who James knew only as the Hufflepuff Quidditch team’s reserve Seeker. Parker Bishop walked her all the way to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom before taking off down the hall, wearing a goofy grin that James recognized all too well.</p><p>Git.</p><p>James took his seat in the back of the classroom, suddenly surly, ignoring the usual chatter of students waiting for their professor to arrive.</p><p>Sirius poked him in the ribs. “Who pissed in your potion?”</p><p>James merely grunted, and he was spared a longer, multi-syllabic response by the arrival of Professor Dearborn, who launched almost immediately into the lesson. Professor Dearborn’s classes had gone noticeably downhill in quality ever since his probation from the school governors. What had once been a fascinating hour devoted to hands-on jinxes and defensive magic was now an O.W.L.-themed lecture. The governors had complained his previous classes were ‘violent’ and ‘politically-biased,’ but now they were just boring.</p><p>All the same, James stared intently at the front of the classroom for the entirety of the lesson, though it was hardly Defense Against the Dark Arts he was studying. Rather, his attention was focused on the back of Lily Evans’ head, her red hair spilling over her chair. His own head was spinning with dismaying thoughts of defeat.</p><p>He thought again of Parker Bishop’s triumphant grin as he walked away. Was that why she’d turned him down so many times? Someone else had already asked her, just liked he’d worried they would? If that was the case, why hadn’t she just said so? Maybe it was some sort of test, like the heroes in the stories his dad used to tell to him as a kid. They always had to face three trials before victory. Well, he’d faced trials — three-and-a-half of them! Did that mean he should try one more time?</p><p>He made up his mind for sure at the very moment the bell rang and class was dismissed. Lily took off by herself and he hurried after her, not even bothering to make up a proper excuse for his mates. “Evans!” he called.</p><p>Lily stopped and sighed, the heave of her shoulders visible from behind. “What, Potter?” she said, turning to face him.</p><p>“Just wanted to check and see if you’d changed your mind about going to Hogsmeade with me tomorrow.”</p><p>“No, I haven’t.”</p><p>“Because you’re going with Parker Bishop?”</p><p>She blinked at him in surprise. Then she said simply: “Piss off.”</p><p>James, however, was not about to piss off so easily. “All right, what about next Saturday?”</p><p>“What <em>about</em> next Saturday?”</p><p>“Will you go out with me next Saturday?”</p><p>She gawked at him, as though she couldn’t quite believe anyone could be so bullish. “Next Saturday’s not a Hogsmeade weekend.”</p><p>“So? We can go somewhere else.”</p><p>“I’m busy,” said Lily, unconvincingly.</p><p>“How ‘bout Sunday, then?”</p><p>“I’ll be studying.”</p><p>“Are you free Friday?”</p><p>“Prefect duties.”</p><p>“Well, when <em>will</em> you be free?”</p><p>“Let me check my diary,” she said, and the last bud of hope blossomed foolishly in his chest as she actually reached into her bag and pulled out a small book. “Mmm, no…can’t reschedule that. Tuesday? No, that won’t work…oh!” She smiled up at him. “Looks like I’ll be free the weekend after <em>never</em>.”</p><p>James laughed, trying not to sound too disappointed. “That was just mean, Evans.”</p><p>“Sorry, Potter. I’m a busy girl. Haven’t you heard? Apparently I’m shagging Parker Bishop and the entire Hufflepuff Quidditch team to boot, but since I’m only learning about this now, I figure I ought to go get started. Might take a little while. Ta.”</p><p>"...What?" said James, but she was already storming off down the hall. James watched her go, floundering in his own deep wells of disappointment and utter bewilderment.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“All right, you’ve been sulking now for a full…” Sirius glanced at his watch. “Eleven minutes. What’s up?”</p><p>“I’m not sulking,” said James, sulkily.</p><p>“Right, you’re <em>cheerfully</em> dismembering your shepherd’s pie.”</p><p>James glanced down at his plate; he had made rather a mess of it, with carrots all hacked into little bits around craggy mountains of mashed potato. He hadn’t even noticed he’d done it. He’d been too wrapped up in his own thoughts about Lily Evans. He didn’t understand her. He’d never understand her. Maybe he should just give in and accept defeat…</p><p>“C’mon, Prongs. What’s up?”</p><p>“I don’t understand girls,” said James, miserably skewering a carrot.</p><p>“Is it Alodie?” Peter gave him a sympathetic grimace. “Do you want to get back together?”</p><p>James shot him a withering look. “Don’t be stupid.”</p><p>“Is there…another girl?” asked Remus.</p><p>His friends were all looking at him expectantly. For a moment, he considered telling them everything, how he’d realized months ago that he fancied Lily Evans, only to discover she was dating Anson Nott of all people, and how he’d tried to date Alodie in order to make her jealous, only to have that blow up spectacularly in his face, and how he couldn’t think of any good reason why she shouldn’t go on at least <em>one</em> date with him, but she wouldn’t, and he didn’t know <em>why</em>…But as he looked back at his friends, James noticed a faint glimmer of amusement in their eyes that made him hesitate. They’d never let him live it down if he told them the truth. It was one thing to fancy Lily Evans; it was quite another to get rejected by her…four-and-a-half times.</p><p>“No,” he said at last. “There’s no other girl.” He returned to the important business of flattening his mashed potatoes with the back of his fork, and his friends let the subject drop.</p><p>At least, they let it drop until the end of dinner. As they left the Great Hall, Sirius picked it right back up again and tossed it around.</p><p>“Maybe you just need to snog someone else,” he mused. “You know, like a post-Alodie palate cleanser.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Yeah,” said Peter, clapping him on the back. “I bet there are a ton of girls who’d want to go out with a Gryffindor Chaser.”</p><p>“Thanks for the pep talk, but I’m fine.”</p><p>“Wenyi Feng is easy on the eyes,” said Sirius.</p><p>“No, no,” interjected Remus. “She’s Alodie’s best friend. That’d get messy.”</p><p>“Ah. Right. Let’s see, last I heard Gladys Gudgeon was shacked up with Lance Haverthorn, and I don’t think Aisha Collins swings your way—”</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Bertha Jorkins is telling everyone who will listen that Sophie Price dumped Harvey Harris,” said Peter knowledgeably. “I bet she’s looking for a rebound.”</p><p>“And there’s always Moaning Myrtle,” offered Sirius. “Merlin knows she could use some action.”</p><p>“Or Marlene McK —”</p><p>“Don’t finish that sentence,” said James, glaring at his friends. “Why are you suddenly obsessed with my love life?”</p><p>“Because <em>you’re</em> obsessed with your love life, and it’s bringing us all down.”</p><p>“What about Lily Evans?” suggested Remus innocently.</p><p>“Now there’s a wild option,” said Sirius.</p><p>“Half the school already thinks you’re snogging her anyway,” said Peter.</p><p>“Can we <em>please</em> drop this?” said James.</p><p>“Hey, Potter!” called a new voice, and James turned to find its source, happy for the distraction. This happiness faded somewhat as Bertram Aubrey loped into view.</p><p>“Aubrey,” said James with an ungracious nod of greeting. He reminded himself that Lily had only gone out with him because she’d been upset over Anson Nott. That’s what she’d said.</p><p>Bertram didn’t seem to notice his less-than-friendly greeting. “Quidditch season’s coming up again. There’s no truth to the rumor that Montgomery’s looking for a reserve Chaser, is there?”</p><p>“None at all.”</p><p>“Ah, well, can’t blame a bloke for hoping.” Bertram gave an expansive shrug. “Best of luck. I hear the Slytherin team is shaping up quite well.”</p><p>“Hey, Aubrey,” said Sirius, and this time James <em>definitely</em> saw a flicker of amusement in his friend’s eyes. “You dated Lily Evans, didn’t you?”</p><p>“‘Dated’ is a strong word,” said Bertram with a rakish grin. James chewed his tongue, a familiar dislike welling up inside him.</p><p>Sirius smirked. “Would you recommend it?”</p><p>Bertram took a moment as though to deliberate the question. “Well, it depends what you’re looking for, really. Is she girlfriend material? Probably not. But if you’re in the mood for a quick shag…well, you <em>know</em> what they say about Muggle girls.”</p><p>James did not know what they said about Muggle girls, and neither did he find out, for at that precise moment, Bertram Aubrey’s head began to swell like a rapidly inflating balloon, a condition that made it rather difficult for the sixth year to elucidate his point — or to continuing speaking at all. This spontaneous inflation possibly had something to do with the wand James was currently pointing at him. He tucked the wand away and watched with interest as the bobble-headed Bertram, whose skull was now twice its normal size, toppled over to the floor.</p><p>“Black! Potter!”</p><p>James turned to see a furious Professor McGonagall marching towards them. Next to him, Sirius let out a deep, long-suffering sigh.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Merely as a matter of curiosity,” said Sirius’s voice through the little mirror James had propped on his desk, “and because I am currently on my knees, scraping bits of plastered dragon spleen out of a cauldron, I feel obliged to ask: <em>Why</em> did you blow up Bertram Aubrey’s head?”</p><p>“I thought it suited him,” said James innocently.</p><p>An amused snort issued from the mirror, followed closely by a clatter and: “Oh, come on, that is <em>putrid</em>.”</p><p>James leaned back in his chair, watching the mirror through which only Sirius’s feet could presently be viewed. They were in separate detentions, of course — no one had been foolish enough to give them a detention together since third year — but that was why they had the mirrors. They had been Sirius’s invention; he really was clever at adapting Muggle items for magical use, and it certainly made detentions more tolerable.</p><p>Though James had to admit he’d been lucky this time: All McGonagall had made him do was go through a stack of battered old library books and sort the salvageable from the ruined. It certainly beat Sirius’s detention cleaning cauldrons. He was pretty sure McGonagall thought Sirius had been the one to fire the actual hex, and neither of the boys had corrected her. James and Sirius had a pact, you see: If either one of them got in trouble, they’d both adamantly insist the other one did it. This had worked on exactly one occasion during second year and got them both out of trouble, but for the most part it was just an exercise in solidarity.</p><p>“I can’t believe you’re just <em>sorting books</em>. McGonagall favors you. I’ve half a mind to march to her office right now and tell her I had nothing to do with any of it.”</p><p>“Oi, Marauder’s Code, mate. We both go down together. Remember that time I had to spend all evening scrubbing with Filch while you wrote lines in Slughorn’s office? How much candied pineapple did you eat that night?”</p><p>“Yeah, yeah, all right.”</p><p>“Besides, Aubrey’s a prat. He had it coming.”</p><p>“Uh huh. And I suppose it had nothing to do with what he said about Evans?”</p><p>James considered this delicately. “So what if it did? He shouldn’t talk about girls like that. It’s…disrespectful.”</p><p>Sirius leaned down and readjusted the mirror so that James could once again see his face. He was grinning, but it wasn’t a mocking grin. James relaxed. “Fair enough, Mr. Chivalry,” said Sirius.</p><p>There was a pause.</p><p>“What <em>do</em> they say about Muggle girls?” James asked, unable to quell his curiosity.</p><p>Sirius smirked. “That they’re sexually promiscuous.”</p><p>“Oh.” Another pause. “How come?”</p><p>“Dunno,” Sirius shrugged. “It’s just an old stereotype, isn’t it? Like how goblins are greedy cheats, house elves are simpering little shits, and werewolves—”</p><p>“—are violent lunatics?” finished James, his eyebrows raised.</p><p>Sirius stopped short. “Well…that’s the stereotype, yeah. It’s bullshit, obviously, but…people buy into it, I guess. I dunno where the Muggle one came from, to be honest. Probably just pure-blood paranoia that Muggles would sneak in and contaminate the bloodline, so they cast the whole lot of ‘em as adulterous hussies.”</p><p>“That’s rather a shit deal, isn’t it?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Sirius frowned as though he’d never before given the matter much consideration. Probably, he hadn’t. “You know what? I’m glad you hexed Aubrey.”</p><p>“The pleasure was all mine.”</p><p>James examined the crumbling spine of an old <em>Hogwarts, a History</em> and tossed it into the ‘salvageable’ pile. Sirius went back to his cauldrons. They worked in silence for a while, until James picked up another battered book and—</p><p>“Are you <em>shitting</em> me?”</p><p>“What?” demanded Sirius, peering at him through the mirror.</p><p>James held up a tattered, stained book. “Look at this: <em>How to Become an Animagus in Seven Easy Steps.</em> It was here the whole time?!”</p><p>Sirius started to laugh.</p><p>“Do you know how many hours I spent scouring that miserable library? Not to mention decoding the nonsense of <em>The Infallible Animagus</em>.” He flipped open the old library book and several torn pages fluttered out. Shoving them back into the binding, James scanned the text. “Listen to this: ‘Step 1: Preparatory Spells. Step 2: Meditative Magic.’ None of this ‘earth is earth and stone is rock and paper and scissors’ nonsense.”</p><p>He continued to flip through the old book with equal parts fascination and fury. The checkout card in the back cover showed that the book had last been requested some twenty years previously.</p><p>“All right, well, this is coming with me. I may not need it anymore, but I bloody well earned it.”</p><p>He shoved the book into his bag and returned to the endless stack. He chucked a few more books into the ‘salvageable’ pile before Sirius said: “Still clear on your end?”</p><p>“Yep,” said James. “Old Dearie’s not yet back from his smoke break.” Professor Dearborn, who had unenthusiastically been placed in charge of James’s detention, had slipped out early on and had yet to make a reappearance, something James heartily appreciated about the man.</p><p>“Good,” said Sirius. “Listen, we need to talk about the next full moon.”</p><p>James perked up. They hadn’t had many opportunities to discuss the full moons, primarily because Remus got so tetchy whenever they brought it up. But the next transformation was only a few weeks away — it was always only a few weeks away — and both James and Sirius knew something had to change. Their second night in the Shrieking Shack had been quite as difficult as the first. True, the ordeal had been slightly different this time; it almost seemed as though Remus — that was, the werewolf — had recognized them. He hadn’t gone after Sirius the way he’d done before, but still he’d raged through the claustrophobic rooms of the shack, clawing at the walls, the furniture, himself. It was a terrible thing to watch.</p><p>“I’ve been thinking,” said Sirius. “It’s the house.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“That horrible house. He needs to get out of there. Stretch his legs a bit. Can’t you see? That’s why he tears himself up all night. He just wants to get out. Merlin, he’s a werewolf, not a house cat.”</p><p>“Yeah, but that’s the problem, isn’t it? He’s a werewolf. We can’t just let him run amok the castle.”</p><p>“Not the castle, no,” agreed Sirius. “But why not the forest?”</p><p>James blinked. “The forest?”</p><p>“Think about it! All we’d have to do is guide him out of the shack and then just sort of herd him towards the trees. Our Animagi are big enough to keep him in check, and once we’re deep enough in the forest, who could he possibly be a danger to? There are no students out there.”</p><p>James considered this for a long moment, his mind’s eye leaping through the forest like he’d done so many months ago…but before he could properly respond, the door creaked open and Professor Dearborn returned, looking vague and very tired. James hastily shoved the mirror out of sight.</p><p>“Oh,” said Dearborn, as though surprised to see him. “You’re still here?”</p><p>“…Can I go?”</p><p>Dearborn sat down heavily behind his desk and waved a disinterested hand. “All right, then. Justice has been served, or something. Off you go.”</p><p>“Thanks, sir,” said James brightly, tossing the remaining stack of books in the ‘discard’ pile. He gathered up his things, stuffing the mirror discreetly into his pocket. He paused by the door to observe his professor curiously — the man looked exhausted…miserable, even — then he shrugged and shut the door behind him.</p><p>“Bastard,” muttered Sirius from the mirror in his pocket.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Did you hex Bertram Aubrey?”</p><p>James had just breezed into the common room and dropped himself comfortably into an armchair when he looked up to see Lily Evans storming towards him, hands on her hips, a furious expression on her face. His stomach did that funny little broomstick plummet, and his hand had somehow made its way to his hair, which he ruffled in what he hoped was a serene nonchalance.</p><p>“What?” he said, to give his brain a moment to collect itself.</p><p>“I said, did you hex Bertram Aubrey?”</p><p>“Might’ve done.”</p><p>“What for?”</p><p>James shrugged. “What do you care? I thought you weren’t dating him anymore.”</p><p>“I’m not — I was <em>never</em> — that’s got nothing to do with anything.”</p><p>James leaned back in his chair, observing her. “You didn’t come over here to tell me off about Aubrey, did you? Admit it, you missed me.”</p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p>“You did,” said James. “It was a very long, boring evening in the common room with me all locked up in detention, and you missed me.”</p><p>Lily scoffed, but James grinned.</p><p>“Know how I know? It wasn’t two minutes since I got back that you’re over here. You don’t really care about Aubrey, you just wanted an excuse to come talk to me.”</p><p>“Don’t flatter yourself Potter,” said Lily. “I just have a duty as a prefect to tell you to keep your wand to yourself.”</p><p>James raised his hands in mock surrender. “I just came from my detention, Evans. I’ve served my time.”</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>There was a pause. He waited for her to storm off, but she remained glaring at him. He felt the faintest stirrings of hope. “You know,” he ventured, “no one’s talking about Alodie and me anymore. Not since Sophie Price broke up with Harvey Harris.”</p><p>“Sophie Price broke up with Harvey Harris?” said Lily, temporarily distracted from her glaring.</p><p>“See what I mean? Hot off the press. No one would bat an eye if you went to Hogsmeade with me tomorrow.”</p><p>Lily narrowed her eyes. “You think the only reason I don’t want to go out with you is because of what people will say?”</p><p>“I think that is a significant contributing factor, yes,” said James.</p><p>“You’re wrong,” she said flatly. “I don’t give a damn what people say about me. I’m used to it. I don’t want to go Hogsmeade with you because I don’t like you. So get that through your thick head and leave me alone.”</p><p>“Okay, but you came over here to talk to <em>me</em>, so…”</p><p>Lily seemed to realize she couldn’t exactly argue this point, so she merely made a disgusted noise and walked away. James watched her go, but he did not feel nearly as despondent as he had previously. In fact, he thought he understood now why she’d been so prickly about him asking her out: She’d spent too much time with blokes like Bertram Aubrey, who were only interested in — what was it Aubrey had said? — oh yeah, ‘a quick shag.’ Well, it wasn’t like that with James at all, and eventually, he’d prove it to her.</p><p>And while no one would include patience on the list James Potter’s chief virtues, persistence was certainly near the top. It had taken him nearly four years to become an Animagus, and he hadn’t given up on <em>that</em>. He’d only asked Lily out five-and-a-half times so far. That was nothing, in comparison. And all right, he admittedly needed a new tactic. As counter-intuitive as it felt, he’d stop asking her out, at least for a while. If she thought he was like Bertram Aubrey, then no wonder she didn’t want to go out with him.</p><p>Sometimes, when you had the Quaffle in hand but the goalposts straight ahead were blocked by Beaters and Bludgers and Keepers, then the best thing to do was to come at it from a different angle. He had to figure out a way to convince her that he was worth her time. And he would…he just didn’t know how yet. But though James Potter may be many things, he was <em>not</em> a quitter.</p><p>Further rumination on persistence and the nature of love, however, was forestalled by the arrival of Sirius, who slumped onto the couch across from him with a moan.</p><p>“Hello,” said James cheerfully. “You’ve got a bit of dragon spleen on your cheek.” Sirius responded with a very rude gesture, and James grinned. “All right, fine, I owe you…but at least admit you laughed when Aubrey toppled over.”</p><p>“Comedy gold,” said Sirius dryly. “So, what do you think?”</p><p>“Well, the inflating hex worked rather more quickly than I’d expected, could be useful in a duel, but—”</p><p>“No, you prat. About the full moon.”</p><p>“Ah.” James glanced around to make sure no curious ears were hovering nearby. What <em>did</em> he think? There were a thousand ways it could go wrong, but to James, the call of adventure was always louder than the warning bell. “It’s got potential,” he admitted, “but you know, I can’t fit through that tunnel as Prongs. All those antlers, see.”</p><p>“So you’ll wait outside. You and Wormtail. I’ll meet Moony in the shack, wait for him to transform, then lead him out through the tunnel, where you’ll be waiting to help corral him into the forest. It’s foolproof.”</p><p>James was not sure ‘foolproof’ was the appropriate word, but it was certainly intriguing. Running around the Forbidden Forest was a lot more appealing than staying cooped up in the Shrieking Shack, watching their friend terrorize himself.</p><p>“Okay,” said James at last. “I’m in. There’s just one problem.”</p><p>“What’s that?”</p><p>“Remus. He’ll never go for it.”</p><p>Sirius smiled. “You just leave Moony to me.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i heard a rumor people like jily or something</p>
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<a name="section0041"><h2>41. Moony and Padfoot</h2></a>
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<h1>SIRIUS</h1>
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<h2>Moony and Padfoot</h2><p>“No. No way. Absolutely not. No! Never in a million years.”</p><p>“So…I’ll put you down for a ‘maybe,’ then?”</p><p>“Sirius, have you completely lost your mind? What you’re talking about it’s — it’s—”</p><p>“It’s brilliant.”</p><p>“It’s <em>insanity</em>.”</p><p>The four boys moved briskly across the school grounds, their path hugging the forest’s edge. Sirius had been the one to suggest the lunchtime walk, and James had enthusiastically backed him up, as planned. Remus was of course clever enough to realize they were up to something, but he came along anyway. He always did. Now he walked like a coiled up spring, glaring at Sirius with an expression of stark disbelief.</p><p>“I can’t believe you’d even consider this. You’ve <em>seen</em> me. You’ve seen what I’m like.”</p><p>“Yeah,” agreed Sirius. “We’ve seen what you’re like. It was awful, but it doesn’t have to be that way! Don’t you get it? It’s the Shrieking Shack. A wolf isn’t <em>meant</em> to be kept locked up in a cage. You’re meant to run free through the forest, not trapped in some mouldering old house ripping off your own skin.”</p><p>Remus was shaking his head, but his eyes had drifted off towards the Forbidden Forest, a touch of longing in his expression. Sirius sensed he was gaining ground and pressed forward.</p><p>“The insanity is that they’ve kept you locked up like that for as long as they have.”</p><p>“Dumbledore—”</p><p>“Dumbledore did the best he could, whatever, I get it. But the Shrieking Shack was only ever a bad solution to a worse problem. And it might’ve made sense for a while, when you were younger, when there were no other options…but <em>we’re</em> here now, and we can do better. There’s no reason to keep suffering like that.” He turned to James. “Back me up, Prongs.”</p><p>“Yeah,” said James dutifully. “We can do better. I’m with Sirius on this one.”</p><p>“Of course you are,” muttered Remus. He shook his head. “No. It’s bad enough I let you put yourselves in danger, but this? I could <em>kill</em> someone!”</p><p>“You won’t,” said Sirius.</p><p>“How the hell do you know that?”</p><p>“Because we’ll be there. James and me, our Animagi are big enough to keep you in line. We won’t let anything happen. I promise.”</p><p>“Besides,” added James, “it’s the perfect time to try it. The next full moon is on the last day of Easter holiday. Everyone will still be at home and the castle will be almost empty.”</p><p>They stopped walking; Peter, who’d been hurrying a few steps behind, caught up with a huff of breath. Beyond the trees, the wind rustled temptingly through the forest’s boughs, and spring-drunk birds warbled bright, cheerful tunes. Remus looked around at as his friends, his anxiety plainly etched upon his face. “I — I don’t know…”</p><p>“Wormtail thinks it’s a good idea too,” said Sirius. “Don’t you, Wormtail?” Peter nodded fervently, and Sirius spread his arms wide. “There you have it. It’s unanimous.”</p><p>Remus threw him a dirty look that clearly said: <em>You told him to say that</em>. This unspoken accusation was only partly true. Sirius had told Peter the plot, but he’d never bothered to consider that Peter would offer anything but enthusiastic support, and Peter hadn’t let him down.</p><p>“Come on, Moony,” said Sirius, cajoling, enticing. “Don’t you trust me?”</p><p>Remus opened his mouth, then shut it again, and Sirius knew that he had won.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>They didn’t discuss the full moon much after that. Sirius knew better than to push his luck, and Remus, for his part, seemed to be pretending the conversation had never happened. He had a remarkable ability to compartmentalize his life, a skill that Sirius, whose own tempestuous emotions often threatened to unmoor him, had to admire. Even if they’d wanted to, however, the boys would’ve found it difficult to discuss their plans further, as it had become increasingly impossible to have anything resembling a private conversation in the vicinity of James Potter.</p><p>The Gryffindor vs. Slytherin match was nearly upon them, and so too were the throngs of admirers who seemed to spring up around his friend whenever he descended the dormitory. Sirius found it all rather tiresome, but James seemed to enjoy the attention.</p><p>Sirius was just as keen as his classmates to see the match, but he had his own reasons. This would be Regulus’s first match as Seeker. He didn’t know why he cared — he <em>didn’t</em> care — but he couldn’t help feeling a little curious. Regulus had never shown even the slightest interest in sports. What was he doing on a broomstick now?</p><p>But then something dreadful happened.</p><p>“They postponed it!”</p><p>Sirius looked up from his perch in the common room as James, who had been summoned to a team conference after dinner, clambered through the portrait hole, looking outraged.</p><p>“Postponed what?”</p><p>“The Quidditch match! Slytherin got it postponed until after Easter hols. Montgomery’s just told us.”</p><p>“How come?” asked Peter, eagerly pushing his Charms essay aside, happy for the distraction.</p><p>“They claim their Seeker got the flu, but really they just need more time to train him up,” sneered James.</p><p>“Bet they do,” said Sirius. “I doubt the idiot had ever touched a Snitch before Lestrange decided he needed a Black on the team.”</p><p>“But that’s not how Quidditch works!” said James furiously. “If you’re not ready for the match when it’s time for the match, then too bad, you lose the match! There’s no special treatment in Quidditch!”</p><p>“I suppose Slughorn signed off on it?” said Sirius.</p><p>“‘Course he did. He positively slobbers over all those Slytherin ponces. And everyone knows he dotes on Regulus because he’s still peeved he can’t have you.” James stopped abruptly, shooting a furtive glance at his friend. His fury over Quidditch had led him into dangerous territory, and he knew it.</p><p>Sirius, however merely shrugged. “Doubt it’ll do ‘em much good. If they’re not ready now, a few weeks won’t change that.”</p><p>“Exactly,” said James, dropping himself into an armchair with an angry huff. “So what are they up to, then?”</p><p>“They’re probably trying to get into your head,” offered Peter. “Make you obsess over what they’re up to. You know, like you’re doing now.”</p><p>“Those scheming little snakes,” hissed James. “They think they can get into <em>my</em> head? Oh, I can’t <em>wait</em> to face them on the pitch. Give me half a chance, and I’ll show <em>them</em>…” He fell back into his chair, arms crossed, muttering curses.</p><p>And so the weekend of the would-be match came and went, and Gryffindor house emptied out as all but a few students left for the Easter holiday. The holiday itself was not particularly enjoyable as James spent all his time obsessing over Quidditch and Remus insisted on burying himself under a pile of homework.</p><p>“I’m going to be out of commission for the first week of classes,” said Remus stubbornly when Sirius called him out on it. “I’ve got to get as much done now as I can.”</p><p>Remus’s mood deteriorated with his health as the holiday drew to a close, until at last it was time. The boys deposited him in Madam Pomfrey’s care and returned to Gryffindor Tower to prepare for what promised to be the full moon of a lifetime.</p><p>Back in the common room, Sirius listened to his watch <em>tick, tock, tick…</em></p><p>“Showtime.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The Whomping Willow stood frozen against the night sky, its marble boughs grasping towards the swollen moon. A rat scampered back across the dark lawn.</p><p>“All right,” said James, scooping up the rat and placing him comfortably in his pocket. “Are you ready to do this?”</p><p>“Of course I am,” said Sirius, pulling his gaze from the moon.</p><p>“Wormtail and I will be right by the forest’s edge when you get out.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“And make sure to leave the trap door open when you go in. It’ll be hard to unlock as a dog, and once you’re in there you can’t transform back—”</p><p>“I <em>know</em>, Prongs. Merlin.”</p><p>“Right. Better get going then. That tree won’t stay frozen forever.”</p><p>With a nod, Sirius strode off towards the thick trunk of the Whomping Willow. The rising moon was bright enough that he did not need his wand for light, yet he clutched it tightly in his fist nonetheless. When he reached the gap in the roots that led to the Shrieking Shack, he paused to glance back towards James — but James was no longer there. In his place stood the shadowy form of a magnificent stag, its antlered head as stiff and alert as the frozen branches of the Willow above. Then the tree gave a mighty shiver, and Sirius slipped quickly through the roots before any of its furious boughs could throttle him.</p><p>He reached the trapdoor, unlocked it, and hauled himself through, taking care to leave it open as they’d planned. The Shrieking Shack was just as miserable and dilapidated as they’d left it last month. He walked briskly to the stairs, but he’d only taken one creaking step up when a voice from behind croaked, “I’m in here.”</p><p>Sirius turned. Remus was in a room across the hall, seated on the mouldering bench of a thoroughly-abused grand piano that slumped in a spill of moonlight. Remus sat back in the shadows, just out of the light’s touch. Sirius crossed the room and leaned an elbow casually against the piano; it creaked a mournful complaint. Up close, he saw that Remus was pale and shaking. “You all right?”</p><p>“Peachy keen,” was the response, but Sirius noticed twin tracks of tears down each of his friend’s pale cheeks. He’d been crying. This simple fact tugged at something deep and upsetting inside Sirius, something for which he didn’t have a word.</p><p>Remus seemed to notice his gaze — the pale cheeks flushed pink — and Sirius looked hastily away. Searching for something else to say, he nudged the piano. “What do you think this is here for? In case you want a little accompaniment to the howling?”</p><p>As stupid a quip as it was, Remus accepted the lighthearted conversation with a grateful smile. He poked at a key of the decrepit piano. A single, solemn note echoed through the shack. “It’s out of tune,” said Remus sadly. “And useless to me, anyway. I never learned to play more than ‘Row, Row, Row Your Boat.’”</p><p>“I did,” said Sirius, and with a faint grunt of amusement at the look of surprise on Remus’s face, he sat down beside him on the beat-up bench, flexed his fingers, and began to play a few bars of <em>The Warlock’s Revenge</em>. It wasn’t a nice piece, quick and harsh and brutal, and on the out-of-tune piano it sounded dark and menacing. He stopped rather abruptly.</p><p>Remus, however, was watching him in amazement. “I had no idea you could play the piano so well.”</p><p>Sirius sucked his teeth. “And the violin, and the lyre. But if you tell anyone, I’ll kill you.”</p><p>“Why?”</p><p>“Because I hated it. All of it. Bloody recitals, bloody Barkwith, bloody…fingers.” He shook his head as though he could dislodge the memories from his mind. “Anyway, you’re right. This piece of shit is completely out of tune. Bloody useless.”</p><p>Remus ran a finger along the dusty keys in contemplation, then he stiffened, a slight gasp in his throat. A violent shiver. “It’s almost time.”</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>“I know there’s no point in trying to talk you out of this—”</p><p>“No,” agreed Sirius. “No point at all. But I expect you’ll try anyway.”</p><p>“You have to promise me — Sirius, if I — if I hurt anyone— I’m not <em>meant</em> to be around people.”</p><p>“You’re not going to be around people. You’re going to be around us.”</p><p>“But if I hurt someone—”</p><p>“Moony. Do you trust me?”</p><p>Another convulsion. Remus jerked over, his elbow slamming against the keys of the piano with a loud, discordant reverberation.</p><p>“You have to transform, Sirius, you have to do it now—”</p><p>Sirius placed a hand firmly on his friend’s quaking shoulder. “Do — you — trust — me?”</p><p>Remus swallowed. “Yes.”</p><p>“Good.”</p><p>Sirius stood up from the bench and transformed into his Animagus…into Padfoot. It was funny how quickly he’d adopted the name, as though it had always been his. He’d just needed Remus to find it.</p><p>Moony and Padfoot.</p><p>The big, black dog sat back on his haunches and waited for Moony to emerge.</p><p>With a painful-looking shudder, Remus fell to his knees. Fingers curled into claws, head stretched to snout, and a gasp became a howl…and suddenly, the werewolf was before him once more.</p><p>Sirius felt that brief moment of gut-wrenching fear that came when one suddenly found oneself face-to-face with the froth-flecked maw of a ferocious werewolf, but this time, he knew what to expect. He had a plan, even, and it would be much easier to implement without Prongs there to get in the way.</p><p>He watched as Moony circled the piano, hackles raised, teeth bared…but before the werewolf could attack, Sirius — or rather, Padfoot — sprang forward with a ferocious snarl, catching the werewolf by surprise; they rolled about on the rough wooden floor, jaws snapping, spit flying, a thrashing, snarling tangle of fur and limbs. They broke apart, circling each other with growls, then lunged forth again, crashing against the battered piano, claws at each other’s throats…and then it was over, and Padfoot had the werewolf pinned under two enormous black paws, glowering into those big, yellow eyes.</p><p>At last, Moony let out a long whine, ears flattened, and Padfoot knew that he had won.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ok, so I’ve decided to change the posting schedule a little for this coming week and I will now be posting chapters on Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday. After that we’ll go back to normal Mondays and Thursdays.</p><p>My reasoning for this is two-fold: 1) the next few chapters are all on the shorter side for POV switching purposes and 2) It’s the US election on Tuesday and maybe some of you will be stuck in long voting lines and need something to read, or maybe you’ve already voted and are simply stressed to your core (as I am) and just need a little distraction. Idk! I can’t do much but I can provide minor Marauder escapism.</p><p>Just a heads up though that the chapter to be posted on Tuesday deals with some political themes (swear to god I didn't do this on purpose) so may not be perfect escapism idk. </p><p>Anyway, godspeed, please vote*, stay safe, and I’ll see you on the other side. ❤️</p><p>*if you are in the US, obviously. If you’re not in the US, please adopt me? Will write jily for visa.</p>
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<a name="section0042"><h2>42. Morning, Moony</h2></a>
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</p><h1>REMUS</h1><hr/><h2>Morning, Moony</h2>
<p>The first thing he noticed were the birds.</p>
<p>Remus hated birds. Noisy, inconsiderate bastards, birds were. Oh, he wasn’t opposed to <em>entirety</em> of the avian class — he had nothing against, say, puffins — but he held in his heart a deep and special hatred for the starlings and sparrows and long-tailed tits of the world. It was their sense of timing he found truly offensive. Specifically, the internal clock each bird-bastard seemed to possess that insisted the perfect time for high-pitched warbling was five o’clock in the bloody morning. Bonus points if it’s a Sunday.</p>
<p>Once, a few springs ago, a family of goldfinches bravely set up nest just outside Remus’s window and after the third week of being woken by a dizzying orchestra of birdsong, it was all Remus could do not to murder the whole brood right then and there. James had informed him that he was being quite ridiculous, that the birds were lovely, and that he should enjoy their godless devil songs as a delightful sign of spring to come, and that as a vegetarian he had no business murdering birds anyhow. It had taken most of Remus’s self-control not to murder James, too. </p>
<p>Actually, when you stopped and thought about it, James Potter and birds had rather a lot in common, when it came to mornings.</p>
<p>The second thing he noticed were the sticks. There seemed to be quite a lot of them, all poking disagreeably at his ribs, and it was this particular detail that finally tugged him from that misty realm between sleep and waking. </p>
<p>He blinked. </p>
<p>Bright strokes of sunlight flooded his vision. He rubbed his eyes in bleary confusion and stretched his sore limbs. Disconcertingly, his arm landed on something soft and fuzzy. He blinked again, and pushed himself up into a sitting position to see that he was surrounded by a shaggy, black dog and an enormous stag with a rat curled in the crook of his antler. </p>
<p>The reality of his situation settled upon him with sudden, stomach-churning terror. Oh, Merlin. Oh, sweet, sinful Merlin. They’d actually done it. They’d actually broken him out of the Shrieking Shack, the <em>fools</em>. </p>
<p>About a hundred different panic-stricken thoughts were brawling about his brain for attention, but through all the clamor, he discerned two very important facts: One, he was god-knows-where in the middle of the Forbidden Forest, and two, he had no idea what time it was. Oh, and three? He was stark naked.</p>
<p>Properly panicking now, Remus turned to the black dog asleep beside him. “Padfoot!” he hissed, nudging him — gently, at first, and then with greater ferocity as the dog ignored him. “Get up!” </p>
<p>Padfoot whined and rolled over. </p>
<p>Remus turned desperately to the stag and gave him a shove. “Get <em>up</em>! I have to get back to the Shrieking Shack!”</p>
<p>Prongs opened one sleepy eye, blinked, and then leapt to his feet, suddenly alert. With a squeak, Wormtail tumbled from his perch. Padfoot had woken now too and was immediately engaged in the very pressing business of sniffing the forest floor.</p>
<p>Remus turned away from the motley pack to look anxiously around: They seemed to be in some sort of mossy glade, deep in the woods. The tall angling shadows of pines extended for as far as the eye could see. He had no recollection of getting here. Who knew how far away they were from the Whomping Willow? How in the name of Merlin could he possibly get back in time? If it wasn’t already too late…?</p>
<p>When he turned back to his friends, he found that Padfoot had transformed back into Sirius, who was leaning casually against a tree trunk, looking sleepy and amused. “You’re very naked,” he observed.</p>
<p>Remus glared. “Thanks, I hadn’t noticed.”</p>
<p>Sirius merely laughed and pulled off his cloak. He tossed it to Remus, who threw it over his bare shoulders with equal parts gratitude and resentment.</p>
<p>“Look, I don’t know where we are, or — or what happened last night, but I <em>have</em> to get back to the Shrieking Shack. If Madam Pomfrey shows up and I’m not there—”</p>
<p>Comprehension dawned on Sirius’s face. “Oh, shit. I hadn’t thought of that.” </p>
<p>At this, Prongs — still very much a stag — trotted over and folded his front legs into a peculiar sort of bow. He looked up at Remus expectantly. Remus stared back, bewildered.</p>
<p>“I think he wants you to hop on,” said Sirius.</p>
<p>Remus balked. “You’re joking, right? No. No fucking way.”</p>
<p>Prongs gave an impatient flick of his antlers, while Sirius laughed.</p>
<p>“What other choice do you have, mate?” he said, and before Remus could respond, the boy transformed back into Padfoot and took off into the trees. Remus watched him go with a feeling of desperation. What choice <em>did</em> he have? He took a sharp breath and turned back to the stag.</p>
<p>“If I die, I’m going to kill you, James,” he muttered as he climbed onto the stag’s back. </p>
<p>Prongs let out a faint snuffle of amusement, waited just long enough for the panic-stricken Remus to get situated, and then took off at a dizzying canter. The trees raced by in a green-brown blur; Padfoot circled back to join them, barking delightedly, and somewhere underfoot Wormtail struggled to keep up in the forests’ brush. Remus, for his part, clung desperately to the stag’s neck and tried not to scream. </p>
<p>When they reached the edge of the forest, however, the stag slowed to a halt.</p>
<p>“What are you doing?” demanded Remus. “We have to go!”</p>
<p>Prongs shook his head and glanced over his shoulder as Padfoot and Wormtail caught up. Padfoot and Prongs exchanged a look, and the dog darted through the tree-line. He returned a few moments later and barked twice. </p>
<p>All clear.</p>
<p>Off they went again, plunging out of the green brume of the forest into the dazzling morning light. They reached the Whomping Willow, and Wormtail scurried forth to rest a paw against its knot. Remus muttered an unheard word of thanks and dashed across the grass towards the frozen tree, his bare toes slipping over the morning dew, praying no one would look out of the castle windows and see him.  </p>
<p>He hurtled through the tunnel at break-neck speed and burst through the trap door, pausing only to listen for the damning creak of footsteps in the house. But Madam Pomfrey was not here. </p>
<p>He was alone. </p>
<p>He was safe.</p>
<p>This relief was short-lived, however. As he hurried up the stairs to the decrepit old bed and collapsed upon its sagging mattress, horrible thoughts gnawed at his gut. What if he was too late? What if she’d already come and gone? What if she was already on her was to Dumbledore to let him know the werewolf had escaped? They’d send him away. Of course they would, what else could they do? And it would be a kindness. He knew what the Ministry did to rogue werewolves. His father had tried to shield him from it, but Remus knew.</p>
<p>But then came the clatter of the trap door and the creak of the stairs, and relief flooded him once more. He knew those steps, he knew their rhythm, their efficient little beat — how could he not, when he’d listened for them after every full moon for nearly five years? </p>
<p>Madam Pomfrey had arrived. </p>
<p>Just like always.</p>
<p>At the last moment, he remembered Sirius’s cloak. He ripped it off and shoved it under the bed. Bits of bedspring poked through the shredded mattress like sprouting fungus, and as he yanked his hand back it caught on a snag of wire, tearing through his skin. Remus barely noticed the pain. </p>
<p>“Good morning, Remus,” said the matron in her crisp, efficient voice.</p>
<p>“Morning,” Remus mumbled in return.</p>
<p>“How are we feeling?”</p>
<p>He merely looked at her, but the matron didn’t seem to expect a response as she set about her monthly chore of healing him up. How <em>was</em> he feeling? Remus hadn’t the slightest idea. Sick to his stomach? Scared out of his mind? Elated that he’d somehow gotten away with it all? Quite possibly in shock? </p>
<p>It wasn’t until Madam Pomfrey, having tutted a bit over his bleeding hand and thoroughly assessed the rest of him, said in a tone of genuine surprise, “My, but you’ve hardly got a scratch on you!” that Remus realized what he was feeling was completely <em>fine</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0043"><h2>43. The Wizard Protection Laws</h2></a>
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<h1>SIRIUS</h1>
<hr/>
<h2>The Wizard Protection Laws</h2><p>A skid and a thud — and Sirius, James, and Peter collapsed into their dormitory, exhausted but utterly exhilarated, giddy with their success.</p><p>“Okay,” said James, crashing onto his bed. “I don’t mind admitting that that went loads better than I thought it would.”</p><p>“I can’t believe we pulled it off,” squeaked Peter.</p><p>Sirius, who had flung himself haphazardly onto the couch, grinned up at the ceiling, flush with victory. They had done it — really, truly done it — and it had been as incredible as he’d imagined. He basked in the memories, plunging back into the leafy, viridian gloom of the forest.</p><p>It had been surprisingly easy to lead Moony out of the shack. After his little display of dominance, the werewolf had followed his direction without question, bounding happily along after him through the tunnel. He’d met Prongs and Wormtail outside the Willow as planned, and together they’d corralled the werewolf towards the forest, though he hadn’t required much convincing. Once it had become clear that he was allowed to run — to run, to stretch his legs and really <em>run</em> — Moony hadn’t seemed to care which direction he went. He’d taken off into the woods in pure ecstasy, racing through the trees, leaping over rocks, circling back to nip playfully at their heels. That wolf had been nothing like the battered, bloodied beast they’d met in the Shack.</p><p>“So how’d you do it, then?”</p><p>Sirius pulled his attention out of the forest and back to James, who had rolled over on his stomach and was peering at Sirius with a curious expression.</p><p>“Do what?” said Sirius.</p><p>“Moony. There was something different about him this time. Less…frantic.”</p><p>“I told you, he just wanted to get out of that damn shack.”</p><p>“Yeah,” agreed James, adjusting his glasses. “You were obviously right about that, but it was more than that. He listened to you, followed you. He…behaved.”</p><p>Sirius took his time for a good stretch, then kicked his feet up on the couch before answering James’s question. “Wizards,” he said thoughtfully, “have a fundamental misunderstanding of werewolves, I think. The Moony we saw those first few nights was a wolf in distress. For one thing, he was locked up. No one likes being locked up. For another, he was alone. Wolves are pack animals, aren’t they? They’re social creatures with complicated hierarchies and social structures, and I simply didn’t see why werewolves would be any different.”</p><p>“Meaning?” said Peter, eyebrows raised.</p><p>“<em>Meaning</em>, I made my position in the pack clear by asserting myself in a display of dominance.”</p><p>“You did what now?” said James.</p><p>“I didn’t hurt him,” said Sirius, a tad defensively. “I just made it clear that I was the Alpha. And it worked.”</p><p>James looked for a moment as though he wasn’t sure whether to be impressed or annoyed. Then he snorted. “Oh, Remus will find that charming, I’m sure.”</p><p>“Yeah…” said Sirius. “There’s no need tell him just yet.”</p><p>“Tell me what?”</p><p>They all jerked their heads towards the door. Remus had returned, looking tired and a bit strained, but otherwise perfectly well.</p><p>“You’re back early!” said James. “We didn’t think we’d be seeing you until after breakfast, at least.”</p><p>Remus scratched his nose vaguely, still seeming somewhat dazed. “Madam Pomfrey said I was good to go. Hardly a scratch on me.”</p><p>Sirius indulged in a smug grin. “Imagine that.”</p><p>“Tell me what?” said Remus again.</p><p>The boys all exchanged a look.</p><p>“Sirius exerted his dominance over you as Padfoot so you’d behave and now he’s the Alpha of our weird little pack,” said Peter succinctly.</p><p>Remus looked from Peter to Sirius, an incredulous expression on his face. Sirius merely shrugged.</p><p>“And that worked?” said Remus after a moment. “I…behaved?”</p><p>“More or less,” said Sirius.</p><p>Remus stared at him, then crossed the dormitory and sat down heavily on his own bed. “Tell me what happened last night,” he demanded. “All of it. I need to know.”</p><p>And so they told him. Remus’s expression flitted between embarrassment and astonishment as Sirius recounted the evening’s adventure, racing through the forest under a starry canvas of sky...</p><p>“You really don’t remember anything?”</p><p>Remus rubbed his eyes. “That’s not how it works. I will, but it usually comes back…later…”</p><p>“The nightmares,” murmured James, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.</p><p>Remus gave an agitated shrug. “Sometimes. I’ll get bits and pieces, anyway, but right now, it’s all a blur.” He screwed up his face, thinking hard. “I remember…running?”</p><p>“There was certainly a bit of running,” agreed Sirius.</p><p>“A fair amount of frolicking, even,” said James.</p><p>“One might call it a good old gambol.”</p><p>“A right old romp.”</p><p>“A proper prancing—”</p><p>“Shut up,” sighed Remus as he fell back onto his pillow and rubbed his temples, undoubtedly trying to unfog his memory. Then he bolted up abruptly with a gasp. “Did I — did I eat a <em>squirrel</em>?”</p><p>The boys exchanged another look.</p><p>“Well…”</p><p>“Just a small one.”</p><p>Remus paled. “How could you let me eat a squirrel?!”</p><p>“It was better than eating Peter, right?” said Sirius reasonably.</p><p>“WHAT?!”</p><p>“He’s joking,” soothed James. “You never tried to eat Peter.”</p><p>“Yeah, and don’t get any ideas,” said Peter.</p><p>“I’ve been vegetarian for <em>years</em>, and then you three swan in and suddenly I’m eating squirrels?!”</p><p>“You’re making an unnecessarily big deal out of the squirrel, mate,” said James. “Really, it was titchy.”</p><p>“I’m going to go throw up,” moaned Remus, and he staggered out to the toilet.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>By the time Remus returned, swishing mouthwash from cheek to cheek, the other three boys were pulling on fresh robes.</p><p>“Feeling better?” asked James brightly.</p><p>Remus merely glowered at him and spat out his mouthwash into a bin.</p><p>“We’re headed to breakfast,” said Sirius. “Did you want to come, or are you still full from all the squirrel?”</p><p>“Ha ha, fuck you,” said Remus, and the others boys laughed. “I’ll come. I’m starving.”</p><p>They arrived at the Great Hall and headed to their usual spot at the end of the table. Tonight, the Hall would be full of the clamor of hundreds of dishes as students returned from the Easter holiday, but this morning it was still cavernously unpopulated. Indeed, the Gryffindor table was nearly empty save for Lily Evans, one of the few Gryffindors who’d stayed at school over break. She sat alone a few seats away, frowning at a copy of the <em>Daily Prophet</em>.</p><p>They dove into breakfast with a nearly feral enthusiasm. While Peter excitedly filled Remus in on the finer details of their adventure, Sirius observed his friend in surreptitious glances between bites of egg. Apart from the ever-present anxiety, Remus really did look better than Sirius had ever seen him following a full moon. There were no new scars on his face, and though he would undoubtedly feel like shit tomorrow with the waning gibbous, today he just seemed…well, hungry evidently, as he had piled his plate with mounds of eggs and toast and…</p><p>“Er — Remus?”</p><p>Remus looked up, his fork halfway to his mouth. “What?”</p><p>“What are you doing?”</p><p>“…eating breakfast?”</p><p>“Yeah,” said Sirius, “but you are aware that’s sausage you’ve got on your plate, right?”</p><p>Remus glanced down. He’d put enough food on his plate to feed five werewolves, and indeed a sizable portion of it was, in fact, sausage. “Yes,” said Remus with dignity.</p><p>“You are also aware that sausage is a meat product? You know, that thing you’ve sworn off for as long as I’ve known you?”</p><p>Remus scowled and lowered his fork. He glanced around to make sure no one was listening — Lily was still absorbed in her paper — and then in a harsh whisper he said: “I ate a squirrel last night. My morals have already been compromised for the day, and I’m hungry, damn it. Now shut up and pass the ketchup.”</p><p>Sirius obliged with a grin.</p><p>“I said shut up.”</p><p>“I didn’t say anything.”</p><p>“But you’re thinking it. Loudly.”</p><p>Sirius mimed zipping his lips, and Remus glowered at him.</p><p>“Cheer up, mate,” said James. “Next time, we’ll be more attentive to squirrels, all right?”</p><p>“Next time?”</p><p>“Oh, don’t start,” Sirius rolled his eyes. “We’re obviously doing it again. Look at you! You said it yourself, hardly a scratch. Last night was a huge success. A triumph. The next moon will be even better.”</p><p>“Well…” Remus waffled. Sirius was right, and he knew that Remus knew it. There was no point pretending otherwise. They would do it again next month, and Remus wouldn’t even try to stop them. “Fine,” he relented. “But next time, I don’t want to wake up in a panic in the middle of the forest.”</p><p>“That was a slight miscalculation,” admitted Sirius.</p><p>“We need a better method for finding our way through the forest,” said James, thoughtfully buttering his toast. “It’s too easy to get lost in all those trees.”</p><p>“We’ll work on it,” agreed Sirius, unconcerned. “Ah, there’s Homer.”</p><p>James turned his gaze skyward in bright anticipation of a letter, but his interest quickly faded as it became apparent Homer was merely delivering the <em>Daily Prophet.</em> The large eagle owl landed gracefully next to the ketchup, and James yawned as he accepted the newspaper, tossed it aside without a second glance, and offered Homer a bit of toast.</p><p>Sirius had canceled his own subscription to the <em>Prophet</em> — or rather, he'd had his subscription canceled for him when he was cut off financially from his parents. Not a week later, James had subscribed “for the Quidditch commentary.” Sirius recognized this gesture for what it was, but he appreciated the pretense. He picked up James’s discarded newspaper and unfurled it to read the headlines…and suddenly he wasn’t very hungry anymore.</p><p>“What is it?” said Remus through a mouthful of sausage, frowning at Sirius’s expression.</p><p>Sirius held up the Prophet so his friends could see the headline:</p><p>
  <strong>PROPOSED WIZARD PROTECTION LAWS SPARK CONTROVERSY ON WIZENGAMOT FLOOR.</strong>
</p><p>“Wizard Protection Laws?” frowned James. “What the hell’s that?”</p><p>Sirius scanned the article. “Nothing good,” he said darkly. “Listen to this:</p><p>
  <em>“The proposed legislation would ban anyone of ‘questionable allegiance’ from seeking employment at Wizarding institutions such as the Ministry of Magic, St. Mungo’s Hospital, and Gringotts Bank. It would also require such institutions to conduct extensive audits of current employees to ensure they meet security regulations.”</em>
</p><p>“So?” said Peter. “I don’t get it.”</p><p><em>“The legislation drew outrage,</em>” Sirius continued, raising his voice a bit, “<em>when recently-appointed Minister for Magic Harold Minchum made clear that ‘questionable allegiance’ would include both affiliates of Death Eaters and Muggle rights extremists.</em>”</p><p>“Fuck,” said Remus.</p><p>“<em>When pressed on how the new legislation would distinguish ‘Muggle rights extremists’ from mere Muggle-borns, Minchum explained that there would be an investigative procedure in which any potentially-barred person, Muggle-born or otherwise, could submit themselves to investigation for approval. Minchum described the legislation as a ‘temporary measure’ to allow the Ministry to assess the situation and root out any threats.</em></p><p>
  <em>“Abraxas Malfoy praised the the legislation as ‘a courageous step in the right direction’ and ‘a tribute to the work of Harmonia Lufkin, an angel who was taken from us too soon.’”</em>
</p><p>“What a load of hippogriff dung,” said James. “Just a few months ago they were bleating on about how she threatened the foundations of Wizarding society, and now she’s an angel taken too soon?”</p><p>“Everyone loves you when you’re dead,” said Sirius flatly. He plowed on through the rest of the article:</p><p>“<em>Critics of the proposal claim that it amounts to a blanket ban on Muggle-born employment. </em></p><p>
  <em>“‘It’s an outrageous infringement of Muggle-born rights,’ complained Elphias Doge, a long-standing Wizengamot elder. ‘Minchum and Malfoy can bluster on about the law treating Muggle-born extremists and potential Death Eaters equally, but only one group of people is required to submit themselves to investigation based purely on their blood status.’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“The Wizengamot is expected to vote on the proposed laws sometime during the summer session.”</em>
</p><p>Sirius looked up from the paper at the other boys. James was shaking his head. “No,” he said. “No way. It’ll never happen.”</p><p>“I wouldn’t be so sure, James,” said Remus. “People are scared. Scared people do stupid things to feel safe.”</p><p>“But this doesn’t keep anyone safe!” protested James. “Everyone knows Muggle-borns aren’t the threat. This is just—”</p><p>“Scapegoating,” said Sirius. “Yeah.”</p><p>James frowned for another long moment, then he shook his head again. “It’s just a proposal. It’s still got to be approved by the Wizengamot, and it won’t pass. They can’t do this.”</p><p>“They can,” said Sirius. “They have the political power.”</p><p>“The Wizengamot won’t allow it,” insisted James.</p><p>Sirius snorted in disdain. “The Wizengamot has been slowly purged of pro-Muggle members for twenty years now — I’d know, my dad was behind half of it — and if you think Abraxas Malfoy hasn’t been blackmailing his way through the rest of them…”</p><p>“All right then,” said James stubbornly, “the people. The people won’t stand for it.”</p><p>“They will,” said a quiet voice from behind. All four boys turned to see Lily Evans standing a few steps away, her arms wrapped tightly around her chest. Sirius supposed she had just been reading the same article. She looked miserable.</p><p>“People <em>will</em> stand for it,” she said. “They already have, or it wouldn’t have gotten this far in the first place.”</p><p>“Evans—” began James, half-rising from his seat as she hurried away, but Remus cut him off.</p><p>“Let her go,” he muttered.</p><p>James sat back down, looking deeply troubled. “She’s wrong,” he said, with all the easy confidence of a boy who had yet to be disappointed by the world. “My grandfather was on the Wizengamot, and I’m telling you, it’ll never pass.”</p><p>Peter was nodding in emphatic agreement (<em>as if he knew anything about anything</em>, Sirius thought disdainfully), but Remus looked less convinced. Sirius himself said nothing, for suddenly in his own mind, he found himself once more in the fairy-lit rooms of Black Hall on Christmas Eve…and the oily voice of Lucius Malfoy reaching out to him through the memory…</p><p>
  <em>“Perhaps we can even rid Hogwarts of its undesirables…”</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>...my middle name is "bad at escapism"</p><p>next chapter will be posted on Thursday, back to normal schedule from there. :) :)</p><p>hope y'all are doing ok. &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0044"><h2>44. Welcome to the Backlash, Baby</h2></a>
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<h1>LILY</h1><hr/><h2>Welcome to the Backlash, Baby</h2><p>The announcement that was posted on the notice board of the Gryffindor common room was an insult. It was salt viciously rubbed in the wound. It was a cruelty, of the kind only adults knew how to render.</p><p>It was Career Advice.</p><p>
  <strong>All fifth years will be required to attend a short meeting with their Head of House during the first week of Summer term, in which they will be given the opportunity to discuss their future careers.</strong>
</p><p>“Oh goody,” drawled Sirius Black as he strolled past the notice board. “Just what I always wanted, to be trapped in a room with Minnie McGee talking about my <em>future</em>.” With a snort, he grabbed a fistful of pamphlets that had been left for the fifth years’ perusal and ambled off towards his gang of friends. </p><p>Lily remained, glaring at the poster. She supposed they did this for the fifth years every year, but she couldn’t help but feel targeted, as though this announcement had been put up specifically to mock her. Career advice…just after the Ministry had announced it was debating whether she had the right to pursue a career in the Wizarding world at all.</p><p>The news of the so-called “Wizard Protection Laws” had burned through the castle’s gossip network in the usual manner: quick as a firecracker, gone like a wisp of smoke. The general consensus among her peers seemed to be that it was terrible, of course, but obviously it wasn’t going to happen. Just a bunch of extremist gabble, nothing to worry about, and anyway, did you hear about Sophie Price and Harvey Harris getting back together?</p><p>Feeling more lonely than she knew how to bear, Lily’s gaze sought out Mary. She was sitting with a group of fourth year girls, chatting and laughing. Lily didn’t know those girls very well — she’d seen them around, of course — but apparently Mary was friends with them. She hadn’t known that, either.</p><p>She wondered what Mary thought of the laws, whether she was comfortable writing them off as impossible, nothing to worry about. Mary’s father was Muggle-born and her mum a Muggle. Surely she took this threat seriously. After all, her father could lose his job.</p><p>But they hadn’t spoken about the laws. They hadn’t spoken at all, not since their blow-out fight in the dormitory that horrible evening weeks ago. Lily had rather naively thought that by the time Mary returned from the Easter holiday, their little squabble would’ve blown over. Surely they could both admit wrongdoing and move on…but that didn’t seem to be the case. Mary seemed to be avoiding her just as much as before, and Lily…well, Lily couldn’t quite swallow her pride enough to be the one to apologize first. The things Mary said had stung, and though in the immediate aftermath of the fight, Lily would’ve gladly accepted all the blame if it meant her friend would forgive her, as time went on, she increasingly felt that Mary was the one being unreasonable.</p><p>So she went on being lonely.</p><p>She wanted to talk to Severus, to hear what <em>he</em> thought about the Wizard Protection Laws. He wouldn't bullshit her or awkwardly change the subject when she brought them up. She could always count on him to explain things about the Wizarding world that she didn't understand. That was, in effect, the very foundation of their friendship. </p><p>The problem was that he seemed to have disappeared. All through break she thought she’d find him lurking in the library, or puttering around the dungeons, or…or <em>somewhere</em>, but he simply wasn’t around. At least classes started next week. She’d see him then.</p><p>But when Lily arrived in Ancient Runes the following Monday, Severus wasn’t there. He was almost always early, so this was noticeably strange. She cast a quick glance around the classroom in case she’d missed him and spotted Remus was sitting in the back as usual, scribbling frantically over what she suspected was their essay due in a few minutes. Feeling her gaze, he looked up, caught her eye, and gave a sheepish wave before returning his attention to the late homework.</p><p>Lily leaned back in her chair with a huff. Where <em>was</em> he? It wasn’t like Sev to be late for class. She was about to give up on him entirely as Professor Babbling took to the podium — but then Severus hurtled through the door. </p><p>“You’re very nearly late, Mr. Snape,” Professor Babbling admonished him as Severus skidded into his seat.</p><p>“Sorry,” muttered Severus.</p><p>But, never one to be deterred from boring old rock carvings, Professor Babbling was already starting her lecture on Hagal’s Eight.</p><p>“Where were you?” whispered Lily, leaning over to Severus, who was dutifully copying down his notes on the <em>nauthiz</em> rune. </p><p>“Nowhere,” mumbled Severus. “The common room. I got caught up.”</p><p>“Doing what?”</p><p>“Nothing. Just busy.”</p><p>Lily frowned at him and was about to whisper another question, when Professor Babbling’s sharp voice cut in: “Something you want to share, Miss Evans?”</p><p>“Apparently not,” muttered Lily, slumping back into her seat with a sigh.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>By the end of the week, Lily’s mood had declined even further. In addition to Mary’s distance, Severus’s distraction, the whole world apparently being on fire and no one else caring, O.W.L.s were looming ever closer on the horizon. Most of her classmates were in a constant state of agony over the impending exams, and Lily had to admit, she felt it too. </p><p>After a grueling Transfiguration class that did nothing for her spirits, she trudged her way through the tide of students suffocating the corridors to Defense Against the Dark Arts, where she took a seat in the back row, far from where Mary sat with the other girls. Determined not to catch her estranged friend’s eye, Lily busied herself with her bag, pulling out her book, ready to bury herself in the text. As she did so, a small, crumpled scrap of parchment fluttered to the floor. She leaned down to collect it, but as she smoothed it out on the surface of her desk, her insides turned to ice.</p><p>Scribbled on the creased parchment in black ink was a skull with a snake. A Dark Mark, Professor Dearborn had called it. Someone must have slipped it into her bag. There was no way to know who, crowded as the corridors always were. She stared at it, wondering if her hammering heartbeat was audible to the rest of the class, then she incinerated the scrap with a quick flick of her wand. A huddle of ash on her desk.</p><p>“Burning secret love notes?” asked Sirius as he strolled past.</p><p>“Go fuck yourself, Black,” snarled Lily, wiping the ash off her desk.</p><p>“Merlin,” said Sirius. “Someone’s touchy today.”</p><p>Lily glowered after him, her heart still pumping adrenaline through her veins from the sight of the note, but before she could come up with a suitable response, Professor Dearborn arrived and, without much preface, began what promised to be another grueling O.W.L.-centric lecture. Lily took dutiful notes as usual, but her mind kept wandering down uncomfortable alleys…back to the Wizard Protection Laws…back to the Dark Mark stuffed slyly in her bag…</p><p>She cast a glance over at Sirius Black again, feeling endlessly annoyed by what he had probably thought an innocuous comment, and her gaze landed on the back of James Potter’s head. </p><p>The only positive development of the last few weeks was that Potter had finally grown bored of asking her out. She didn’t know what that had all been about — some sort of dare from Black, perhaps? — but she was glad it was over. She’d grown tired of their verbal sparring, exhausted by the effort it took to appear cool and unbothered, as though she were in on the joke. And yes, okay, there had been a few moments when the weight of Mary’s avoidance and Severus’s absence and Alodie’s bitter glares had been close to crushing, when she hadn’t entirely minded the extra attention he was giving her, even if its motive was suspect, but...</p><p>Just as she was forcing her attention back to her notes for the umpteenth time, Professor Dearborn’s lecture was punctuated with an abrupt silence. He glanced down at his book, then up again at the room full of fifth years gazing back at him with vacant expressions. His silence went on just a bit too long, interfering with the rhythm that lulled so many students into a state of academic vegetation. The fifth years began to realize that something was up. A few shifted uncomfortably in their seats as their silent professor continue to watch them, a contemplative look on his face. He scratched absently at the scar along his cheek, and then, at last, he shut the book with a great clap that startled the class to attention. </p><p>“You know what?” Professor Dearborn said, and his voice was sharp, almost angry. “Let’s try something different. Because this?” He lifted the textbook by its cover; its pages flapped pitifully in his grasp. “This is horse shit.”  </p><p>A shocked titter rolled through the students. Dearborn ignored it. </p><p>“Now, you might've heard that I have been reprimanded by the school governors. That I have previously overstepped my bounds as professor. That I speak too much of politics and current events and too little of pedagogical practice. That I should teach from the book and merely prepare you for your O.W.L. examinations, because <em>that's</em> what's important. But that — is — horse — shit.” </p><p>He slammed the book back down on the lectern. The class jumped as one, horrified, fascinated.</p><p>“Let me tell you a little secret,” continued Dearborn, abandoning the podium and beginning to pace the room. “It may not feel this way in the thick of it, but your exams don't matter. They don't <em>matter</em>! In the real world, in a real fight, when you're looking down the end of another wand…no one gives a flying fuck how many O.W.L.s you've earned. All that matters is how quick you think and how hard you fight. And if all I do in this classroom is teach you the correct definition of a counter-curse, I will have failed you. So — to hell with the school governors. We're doing this my way.”</p><p>“Bravo,” whispered James a few seats away.</p><p>“Everyone up, please,” ordered Dearborn. “Go on, get up and move to either side of the classroom.”</p><p>There was a confusion of shuffling feet as the fifth years abandoned their desks and moved to the walls. Then Professor Dearborn flicked his wand and the desks stacked themselves neatly along the back wall, clearing the room. </p><p>“Dueling,” he said. “We've studied the separate components all year — shield charms, jinxes and counter-jinxes, the defensive and the offensive — but each individual spell on its own is utterly useless. It's how you weave them together that determines the outcome of a duel…that determines whether you live or die. One false move can end your life…or merely give you a nice little scar along the side of your pretty face.”</p><p>A few students exchanged uncomfortable glances.</p><p>“Of course,” said the professor with a faint nod of concession, “we’re still in the classroom, so the stakes aren’t quite so high…but I want you to imagine that they are. Imagine, if you will, that it’s just you and your wand. What will you make of it?”</p><p>He marched to the center of the room and spun slowly on his heel, wand pointed at the floor. A large chalk circle appeared as if drawn by an invisible compass; it dominated most of the classroom floor.</p><p>“The rules are thus: Two students, hand-to-hand combat, anything goes. Your goal is to knock your opponent out of the chalk circle. How you get there is up to you. Who’d like to go first?”</p><p>There was a pause as the students whispered among themselves. </p><p>“I’ll do it.” Sirius Black sauntered into the circle. </p><p>“All right,” said Dearborn. “Who else?”</p><p>The class looked around, all willing someone else to volunteer. It seemed no one wanted to duel Sirius Black. He was known for picking fights, after all, and was widely considered the best dueler in their year. Any person with a healthy sense of self-preservation thought twice before stepping in front of his wand. </p><p>“I already know I can beat you,” said James. </p><p>“You wish,” Sirius scoffed. “Come on,” he called to the class, looking amused. “Who’s man enough?”</p><p>It was his stupid, cocky smirk that made her do it. Lily thrust her hand into the air. A swell of whispers crested through the class again. </p><p>Dearborn smiled, a look of faint satisfaction on his face. “Thank you, Miss Evans,” he said. “Come on up, then.”</p><p>Lily marched into the chalk circle with her head held high, feeling keenly every eye upon her. Though she kept her gaze determinedly away, she noticed James stood up a little straighter, frowning.</p><p>“I have to fight a girl?” complained Sirius. “That’s not very chivalrous.”</p><p>“It’s not the 1800s, Black. There’s no room for chivalry in dueling.” Dearborn stepped briskly outside the circle and cast a glimmering dome of a shield charm over its outer bounds. This was undoubtedly to protect the onlooking students from stray hexes, but the effect, Lily felt, was a tad claustrophobic. She clutched her wand.</p><p>“Don’t worry, Evans,” said Sirius, regarding her with arrogant amusement. “I’ll go easy on you.”</p><p>“That’s stupid,” said Lily, “because I won’t.”</p><p>“Ooooooh…” There was a smattering of laughter and cat-calls from the class. Sirius grinned lazily back at his friends, and Lily felt a familiar fury boiling in her veins.</p><p>“We’re supposed to bow, you know,” said Sirius. “Dueling decorum, and all that.” He gave an overly elaborate bow, smirking all the while. </p><p>Lily, who knew how to play the game, placed a hand to her heart in mock horror. “But I’m a <em>girl</em>, remember?” She offered a sarcastic curtsey, and Sirius laughed along with the rest of the class. </p><p>“On the count of three, then,” said Professor Dearborn. “One…two…”</p><p>Sirius’s first hex flew a half-second after Dearborn had finished “three.” Lily jumped hastily to the right; a blur of red light streaked past her vision, missing her by inches. </p><p>She quickly sent a jelly-legs jinx his way, in hopes of causing him to stumble outside the circle, but he blocked it with a simple swipe of his wand. They carried on like this for a bit, volleying spells back and forth, moving cautiously around the circle, keeping their distance from each other, but never straying too close to the chalk line.</p><p>Frustrated with her lack of progress, Lily shot a staccato of spells, one after the other…all of which Sirius dodged and weaved with impressive agility.</p><p>“You know,” said Sirius, “if you wanted to dance, you could’ve just asked.”</p><p>He was laughing. She sent another blast his way; he blocked it effortlessly.</p><p>Then she realized something: The bastard <em>was</em> going easy on her. This fact irritated her more than anything else. So he thought she was weak, did he? An unskilled challenger to be played with before handily defeating? As she dodged his next jinx, a lazy disarming spell that he clearly broadcasted, she realized that the entire class expected him to win. Of course they did! Sirius Black up against a know-nothing Muggle-born girl? The thought made her seethe. </p><p>Fine. Two could play at that game. If he wanted to think she was an easy target, let him think that, and see what good it would do him.</p><p>Lily let him cast the next hex. She blocked it, but at the last minute so that it seemed like a strain, like she was slipping. He cast another hex, this one a little stronger, a little sharper. She play-acted the same maneuver: blocking it, but just barely. She took a step back, towards the chalk line, and Sirius advanced. He was grinning.</p><p><em>That’s it,</em> she thought, <em>you’re winning. You’ve got me cornered. Keep it up…</em></p><p>He raised his arm to shoot another spell; she cast a faltering shield charm that shattered as the jinx made contact. Then — just as he had advanced another few steps, looking cocky and sure of himself — she changed course, whipping her wand through the air in a wide, sweeping circle. </p><p>Sirius watched in bemusement for a half-a-moment until a great gasp went up from the students around the room. He turned, eyes widening in shock as a stampede of desks broke into the circle. </p><p>Lily caught his eye. This time, she was the one who grinned. “Want to dance?”</p><p>With the charmed desks essentially acting as her shield — rearing back like little horses, kicking and diving before each curse he cast — Lily was free to aim her hexes, while Sirius was caught playing both offense and defense. </p><p>She had to hand it to him though: He put up a damn good fight. One desk he managed to rope down, bucking like a bronco; another he turned to ice, frozen to the floor. At last, there was just a single desk remaining and Sirius was dangerously close to the chalk line. Lily advanced, her desk leaping protectively before her as Sirius raised his wand…</p><p>And the desk exploded in a shower of splinters. The blasting curse he’d cast was powerful enough that it knocked Lily off her feet, just to the edge of the circle. She scrambled back up, dusting the bits of broken wood off her robes. Sirius stood at the other side of the circle, his hands on his knees, breathing heavily. He brushed his dark hair from his eyes. Sweat glistened on his brow. When he straightened up, that smug, condescending smirk had finally vanished. He rolled his shoulders, twisted his neck from side to side. “All right,” he said. “Ready for round two then?”</p><p>(Distantly, Lily heard someone say, “Professor, do you think — er — maybe this has gotten a little out of hand?”)</p><p>Sirius lunged forward, the sharp red blast of a stunning spell whipping past her robes, just barely missing her ankles as she dove out of the way. He blasted her again, and this time when she struggled to block him, it was genuine. He definitely wasn’t holding back now. Despite the added challenge, Lily felt a surge of satisfaction. He had recognized her as his equal, he intended to win, and he knew he would have to fight for it.</p><p>They carried on. A swish of her wand swept the floor beneath him into a sheet of ice. Sirius slipped and skidded but quickly melted the ice and sent it back in a tidal wave of rushing water…which Lily froze into a wall of ice before her. The ice barrier gave her just a second to catch her breath, and she took it, a deep inhale — until suddenly the red blast of a curse hit the ice wall, and it shattered like glass. She ducked, her arms instinctively moving to cover her face as shards of ice erupted around her…and then she heard it.</p><p>“EXPELLIARMUS!” </p><p>And just a moment too late she felt her wand slip from the curl of her fingers. “NO!” she cried, making a last minute scramble for the wand, her arm outstretched, fingers grasping…but it was too late. All she could do was watch as her wand sailed in a crisp arc across the room, and Sirius Black caught it in his own hand, a triumphant grin spreading across his face as he recognized his victory.</p><p>It was over.</p><p>A roar went up from the rest of the class. A cacophony of applause. She had all but forgotten they were there. She wished they weren’t. </p><p>He’d beaten her. After all that, after everything, he’d beaten her…</p><p>“You’re not finished until your opponent crosses the chalk line, Black,” said Professor Dearborn. He looked almost disappointed. Lily suspected he had wanted her to win. Well, she had wanted that too. She’d wanted to prove them all wrong, every last rotten one of them who thought she could never be as good as King of the Pure-bloods, Sirius bloody Black. </p><p>Sirius lolled at the edge of the circle, clutching Lily’s wand in one hand, his own in the other. “Well, you heard him. You want to make this easy, Evans?”</p><p>Lily glared. “Not particularly, no.” </p><p>She ought to, of course. She should just step across the line, end it with a little dignity intact. He had her wand. It was over. But she couldn’t bear to do it, she couldn’t bear to give him the satisfaction of watching her give up. </p><p>Sirius merely shrugged. “Have it your way.” He scratched his chin in mock deliberation, clearly taking his time deciding how to go about knocking her out of the circle. He was <em>enjoying</em> this, the arrogant, egotistical, puffed-up bastard…</p><p>Fury raged through her blood again, pounding against her ears. She loathed him so much, it was an almost physical sensation, her anger palpable through her veins, like something hot and boiling…and in the half-second’s time that Sirius considered his wand, Lily realized she’d felt this sensation before. Like that time when she’d been nearly drowned by grindylows all those months ago…that fire beneath her skin, the way she’d blasted off one of the little beasts without her wand…that strange magic she’d felt coursing through her veins…and in the half-second’s time that Sirius raised his wand to eye-level, Lily realized she’d always had this magic within. She’d done magic as a child for <em>years</em> without a wand. She’d commanded the flowers to open at her will, she’d flown through the air…she’d just forgotten. </p><p>And in the half-second’s time that Sirius said, “Sorry, Evans,” and pointed his wand at her chest, Lily remembered. </p><p>Everything happened so quickly, she wasn’t exactly sure how it came about…but one moment, Sirius was shouting, “Repello!” and the next, a blast of light burst from the place where Lily stood — and suddenly, <em>Lily</em> was the one within the bounds of the circle, two wands clutched in her fist, and Sirius had been thrown across the chalk line with enough force to knock him flat on his back. </p><p>A shocked silence fell across the classroom. Lily, catching her breath, looked around uncomfortably as she realized everyone was staring. At her. Even Professor Dearborn stood frozen, his eyebrows raised, mouth slightly open in surprise as the domed shield charm disintegrated around them.</p><p>“Bloody hell, Evans,” said Sirius, breaking the silence at last. He pushed himself up onto his elbows and stared at her like he’d never seen her before. “Where did <em>that</em> come from?”</p><p>The bell rang.</p><p>Lily didn’t wait to be dismissed. Cheeks burning, she hastily collected her belongings and headed for the door before anyone else. Why had she done that? Why hadn’t she just bowed out of the circle when Black had given her the chance? Now everyone had yet another reason to stare at her and whisper, gawking at her like she was…like she was some sort of <em>freak</em>.</p><p>“Oi, Evans!”</p><p><em>“What?”</em> snarled Lily, spinning on her heel in frustration.</p><p>It was Sirius Black. He’d jogged ahead of the rest of the class to catch up with her. “Don’t hex me,” he said, lifting his hands in surrender, eyebrows raised. “That was pretty impressive back there. I won’t lie, I had no idea you had that in you.”</p><p>“Yeah, well,” said Lily stiffly. “You pissed me off.”</p><p>Sirius laughed. “That was sort of the point. It’s a duel, you’re supposed to antagonize your opponent. Don’t take everything so seriously, Evans.”</p><p>This comment nettled her. Don’t take it seriously? After everything Professor Dearborn had said? After all the violence in the news? After her own government seemed to be trying to make her very <em>existence</em> illegal? It might be easy for Sirius Black to laugh it all off, but Lily wasn’t quite so lucky. </p><p>Other students were spilling out into the corridor now; she could feel the prickle of judgmental stares. Sirius Black was still hovering expectantly.</p><p>“Did you want something?” she asked, a tad aggressively, shooting a restive glance at her peers.</p><p>“Er — yeah,” said Sirius. “My wand?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You still have my wand.”</p><p>Lily looked down at the balled fists of her hand and saw that there were indeed two wands clutched there. </p><p>“Oh. Sorry.” </p><p>She handed him his wand.</p><p>“Thanks,” said Sirius, pocketing it. “I’ll remember to think twice before pissing off Penny Prefect again.” And with a flourish of the world’s most irritating finger guns, he took off down the hall. </p><p>A group of Gryffindors girls approached, Mary among them, and for a moment Lily thought her friend was finally going to speak to her…but then Professor Dearborn interrupted. “Miss Evans? Might I have a word?”</p><p>So Lily followed him back to the classroom, avoiding the gaze of the other girls as she passed. So much for her grand escape. The classroom was empty now, the pile of remaining desks still pushed against the wall. Splinters of wood littered the floor.</p><p>Dearborn leaned his elbows against the podium, observing her keenly. “That was very impressive, Lily.”</p><p>“He got my wand,” Lily muttered. “If it had been a real duel, I’d be dead.”</p><p>“Maybe, maybe not. It was still impressive.”</p><p>Lily just shrugged and shifted her eyes to her feet, scuffing her shoe along the floor.</p><p>“So,” said Dearborn. “Do you want to talk about it?”</p><p>“Talk about what?” </p><p>“Your rage.”</p><p>Lily looked up from her shoes, her cheeks flushing. “I don’t have rage.”</p><p>“No one blasts their opponent across the room using wandless magic without a little rage, darling,” said Dearborn. </p><p>“Am I in trouble?”</p><p>“For what?”</p><p>“For…blasting my opponent across the room using wandless magic.”</p><p>“You completed the assignment,” said Dearborn with a wave of his hand. “Exceptionally well, I might add. In fact, I feel inclined to award twenty points to Gryffindor for a job well done. Hell, take another five for hexing Black. I realize I’m not supposed to say this as your teacher, but that boy really annoys me.”</p><p>Lily half-laughed in surprise. “Me too.” Then, because Dearborn kept looking at her expectantly, she relented. “I’m just so sick of it. I’m so sick of everyone looking down on me because I’m Muggle-born, when I’m just as good as them. I’ve proven I’m as good as them. I’m so sick of all the jokes, and the slurs, and the insinuations, and I just—” she stopped herself, embarrassed by the emotion in her rising voice. “Okay,” she said after a pause to collect herself. “Maybe I do have a little rage.”</p><p>“You’d be mad not to.”</p><p>“So what do I do about it?” she asked, looking up at him eagerly, desperate for guidance, for some secret of how to reclaim an equilibrium she hadn’t realized she’d lost…perhaps she’d never had. “How do I make it go away?” </p><p>“Now why would you want to do a foolish thing like that?” said Dearborn softly.</p><p>“What?” said Lily, taken aback.</p><p>“We live in a violently unfair world. Your rage is a resource, Lily. Harness it. Hone it. And make the bastards pay.”</p><p>Lily frowned at him, slightly uncomfortable, more than a little unsure how to respond to such a statement. “You’re a very strange teacher, Professor Dearborn,” she said at last.</p><p>He smiled. “Well, teaching wasn’t my intended vocation.”</p><p>Her mind flitted back to the Dark Mark she’d found in her bag, and for a moment, she considered telling him about it, but then she changed her mind. Instead she said: “You were right. What you said before about Harmonia Lufkin’s murder being used to scapegoat Muggle-borns. It’s exactly what they’re doing.”</p><p>“I do hate being right.”</p><p>“Do you think they’ll pass? The Wizard Protection Laws?” It was a question that had been burning away at her for weeks, swallowed up inside of her, turning her to ash. If anyone would be honest with her, it was Professor Dearborn.</p><p>“Hard to say,” said Dearborn slowly. “The Wizengamot is not the progressive force it was ten years ago. Even so, it’s difficult to imagine the law passing in its current form. The new Minister for Magic has proven himself to be a right piece of work, though.”</p><p>“Harold Minchum,” mused Lily. “He’s anti-Muggle?”</p><p>“It certainly appears that way.”</p><p>“Is he — do you think he’s a Death Eater?”</p><p>Dearborn considered the question, but not in the way most teachers considered questions, like they were just quickly skimming through the archives of their minds to find a suitable answer to send her on her way. No, he was really <em>thinking</em> about it, like he valued her thoughts and ideas.</p><p>“I don’t believe so,” said Dearborn, “but that doesn’t automatically make him an ally, either. From what I’ve heard, he’s a hard-liner and an ultra-traditionalist. He wants to go back to the way things were. <em>Way</em> back. The Death Eaters threaten this, so he will despise them, but so do Muggle-borns and all the progress we’ve clawed out in the past decade.”</p><p>“So basically,” said Lily, “he wants the Death Eaters to go away and the Muggle-borns to shut up.”</p><p>“Or vice versa,” said Dearborn with a wry smile.</p><p>“Why? Why can’t they just let us be? Why are these people so determined to make life awful for us?”</p><p>“They’re frightened,” said Dearborn simply.</p><p>“Of what?”</p><p>“Of losing what little privilege they still cling to.” At Lily’s look of incomprehension, he went on: “The pure-blood elite have been in decline for centuries. A handful of families hold all the wealth and power, and they keep marrying each other to keep it.”</p><p><em>He’ll have an arranged marriage,</em> Lily remembered Marlene saying of Sirius Black. <em>And he’ll marry a twenty-eight.</em></p><p>“But even the most down-on-his-luck wizard will revel in thinking himself superior to a Muggle-born, by virtue of a single name on his family tree.”</p><p>She thought of Severus, searching the library for his mother’s line, so pleased to find her name on a list of ancient pure-bloods.</p><p>“If you take that away,” continued Dearborn, “that last little glimmer of superiority, you will find something very ugly underneath: fear. People like that, they see the world as a zero sum game. Any power gained by Muggle-borns is power lost to them. We made too much progress, too fast.”  He gave an expansive shrug. “Welcome to the backlash, baby.”</p><p>“But if these laws pass,” said Lily with sudden realization, “you might not be allowed to be our teacher anymore! Hogwarts is a ‘Wizarding institution,’ after all.”</p><p>Dearborn nodded gravely. “The thought had occurred to me, yes. Or rather, I’d have to submit myself to an investigation, which I would almost certainly fail. There already seems to be a general consensus among the school governors that I am too political.” Another wry smile. “Can’t imagine where they got that.”</p><p>“But surely Professor Dumbledore—”</p><p>“Dumbledore has enough battles to wage already,” said Dearborn flatly. “Should the laws pass, he will never accept them, of that I am sure, but I have no desire to be investigated by the Ministry.”</p><p>Lily looked at him in surprise and dismay. “So, what? You’d…resign?”</p><p>“Yes, I think so.”</p><p>She wanted to argue, to tell him he couldn’t leave, he couldn’t let them win…but something told her it wouldn’t matter. Dearborn had the look of someone who’d already made up his mind. And could she blame him? Who would want to stay?  She frowned at her shoes again for a moment, then looked up at her professor, the only Muggle-born adult she’d ever really known. “What will you do, if you leave Hogwarts?”</p><p>“Me?” said Dearborn, and his expression grew distant and unreadable. “I’m going to go fight a war.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Lily was so absorbed by her conversation with Professor Dearborn that she completely forgot she was supposed to go to Professor McGonagall’s office for Career Advice until she was half-way to Gryffindor Tower. Spinning sharply on her heel and startling a third year in the process, Lily hurried towards her Head of House’s office.</p><p>Professor McGonagall accepted the apology for her tardiness with her usual brisk dignity and immediately dove into what seemed like a well-rehearsed speech. “Now,” she said, as Lily took her seat, “this meeting is intended to assess your current academic trajectory and consider any career aspirations you may possess.”</p><p>Career aspirations. Lily barely stopped herself in time from scoffing. It took most her focus to keep a neutral expression as McGonagall continued on, unaware that her student’s mind was utterly distracted. Indeed, Lily’s thoughts kept flitting back dangerously to Professor Dearborn.</p><p>
  <em>They see the world as a zero-sum game…we made too much progress, too fast…</em>
</p><p>“Miss Evans?”</p><p>Lily jolted back to attention. “Yes?”</p><p>“I asked you a question.”</p><p>“Sorry, Professor. I — er — spaced out for a moment.”</p><p>Professor McGonagall’s eyebrows contracted ever so slightly. “I asked if you’d given any thought to what you will do when you leave school.”</p><p>“No,” lied Lily, as though the thought hadn’t been consuming her every moment all week. “Not really.”</p><p>McGonagall frowned. “Well,” she said, shuffling through the pamphlets on her desk, “you’ve done very well in your classes over the years. Professor Slughorn in particular speaks very highly of your skill in Potions, and Professor Sprout is equally enthusiastic of your Herbology work. Perhaps one of the pamphlets in those areas piqued your interest…?”</p><p>“I didn’t read them,” said Lily, and she was as surprised as her teacher to hear the note of defiance in her voice.</p><p>The crease in Professor McGonagall’s brow grew infinitesimally deeper. “I’m sorry?”</p><p>“I didn’t read any of the pamphlets.”</p><p>“You have no interest in your future career, Miss Evans?”</p><p>“With all due respect, Professor, what’s the point?” Lily noted the slight rise in her voice and willed herself not to lose her ever-tenuous temper with Professor McGonagall of all people, but she couldn’t help it. The constant indignities of life as a Muggle-born at Hogwarts had grated on her just a little too long, and perhaps Professor Dearborn was right: She did have rage. </p><p>“The way things are headed, I could get an Outstanding on every single exam and the Ministry still wouldn’t even give me a job pushing parchment. I’m sorry, but this whole exercise feels like a big, insulting waste of time!”</p><p>Her outburst was followed by an uncomfortable pause, then Professor McGonagall set down the pamphlet she’d been extracting from the mass, and gave Lily a stern look under which even the most troublesome student would quail. Lily was quite certain she was about to get a detention until Professor McGonagall said, “Have a biscuit, Miss Evans.”</p><p>And she pushed a small tartan tin across the desk. </p><p>Thrown for a loop by this surprise development, Lily found herself meekly accepting a biscuit from the tin, her gale of rage petering out to a faint whistle of cinnamon-scented confusion.</p><p>“Now,” said McGonagall, as though this action had returned them to the land of reason, “I understand this must be a difficult and frustrating time for you, with all the fuss in the newspapers. However, the Wizard Protection Laws have not yet passed, and in my opinion, it is highly unlikely that they will. I would hate to see you sacrifice your future over a temporary political kerfuffle.”</p><p>Lily was strongly reminded of Sirius Black, telling her not take everything so seriously…but she merely chewed her biscuit to bite back a retort.</p><p>“The passions of politics are fleeting, Miss Evans,” said Professor McGonagall sternly, “but your O.W.L. scores are forever.”</p><p>On this rather bleak note, Lily allowed Professor McGonagall to give her several pamphlets on Potioneering for later perusal. She could not summon much enthusiasm, however, and fully intended to dump them in the first bin she encountered. </p><p>When at last her professor announced that the painful meeting had concluded, Lily stood and walked to the door. But something made her hesitate, to turn around and face her teacher once more.  “I know what I’m going to do when I leave Hogwarts, Professor,” said Lily, her hand on the door.<br/>
<br/>
Professor McGonagall raised her eyes expectantly from behind the clutter of pamphlets. “And what is that, Miss Evans?”</p><p>Lily met her gaze with a blaze of determination. “I’m going to go fight a war.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey look another accidentally timely chapter. Oops.</p><p>I might have a little rage, too.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0045"><h2>45. A Family Reunion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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<h1>SIRIUS</h1>
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<h2>A Family Reunion</h2>
<p>“Mr. Black, I implore you to take this seriously.”</p>
<p>“Well, I’m trying, Professor, but if you don’t have a pamphlet back there for International Exploding Snap Champion, then I’m afraid I really don’t see how you can help me.”</p>
<p>Professor McGonagall’s eyes narrowed to slits behind her square spectacles. For a moment, Sirius wondered if she was going to shout, but then she merely sighed and reshuffled the multi-colored mess of career pamphlets that had oppressed his whole afternoon. They’d been at this for a while. At first, Sirius hadn’t minded too much because it meant he was missing Potions, but now he was growing bored and a bit irritable. If he had to read one more stupid pamphlet about some stupid career path he wasn’t going to pursue…<em>he</em> might shout.</p>
<p>“You’re a talented student, Mr. Black,” said Professor McGonagall. “Obstinate and lazy, but talented. Surely there’s <em>something</em> you wish to do with your life?”</p>
<p>Sirius slouched deeper into his seat.</p>
<p>That was the whole issue, wasn’t it? From the moment he’d been conceived, Sirius Orion Black III had had his entire life mapped out for him. He was the heir to the Black fortune and he would behave accordingly. He’d never had any say in what his future would hold; he’d never been able to get a word in.</p>
<p>For years he’d fantasized about running away, leaving all that bullshit behind, making his own decisions, being his own person…and now, he’d finally done it. He’d burned those bridges and done it. Started over. Clean slate. Determined his own damn destiny. He was supposed to be overjoyed, flush with this newfound freedom to do whatever, to <em>be</em> whoever he wanted.</p>
<p>Which is why he couldn’t tell anyone that he was fucking terrified.</p>
<p>“I’m sure this all seems like a long way off,” McGonagall droned on, “but the choices you make in the next few years will determine the trajectory of the rest of your life, for good or for ill. You’d be wise to think long and hard about which path you choose to take.”</p>
<p>Sirius glared at the faint ring of a water spot on the ceiling, arms knotted around his chest. Did she have a pamphlet for the recently-shunned teenager with no family, no money, all but homeless and flat skint, suddenly facing the great wide expanse of what the fuck next?</p>
<p>No, she fucking didn’t.</p>
<p>“Can I go now?” asked Sirius sullenly.</p>
<p>A weary sigh. Professor McGonagall pushed her glasses back up her nose and looked away. “Please.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>By the time he and Minerva had finished torturing each other, Potions class had ended. Well, thank Merlin for small victories. Sirius climbed back to the common room, where he found his friends perusing the career pamphlets in preparation for their own meetings. James, he noticed, was deeply immersed in a particular lime green pamphlet. He looked up as Sirius approached.</p>
<p>“How’d it go?” asked James.</p>
<p>Sirius slumped into an armchair with a dramatic heave. “Well, let’s see: Me and Minnie had a real heart-to-heart, and after a rousing hour of deliberation, we concluded that my true path lies in Himalayan Hinkypunk herding.”</p>
<p>Remus glanced up from the book he was reading. “Do they have Hinkypunks in the Himalayas?”</p>
<p>“Search me,” said Sirius.</p>
<p>“Hm.” Remus went back to his book. He was the only one who had shown no interest in the career pamphlets, undoubtedly because he felt his career prospects were severely curtailed by his ‘furry little problem,’ as James would call it. Sirius felt a surge of affection for the boy werewolf.</p>
<p>“This is all a big waste of time anyway,” said Sirius.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” agreed James, quickly discarding the lime green pamphlet. It landed on the table where Sirius was just able to glimpse the title <em>So You Want to Be a Healer</em>, before James casually shoved it under a book.</p>
<p>“Besides,” said James brightly, “I already know what I’m doing after school.”</p>
<p>“What’s that?”</p>
<p>“Quidditch, obviously! I’m going to Chase for Puddlemere United for a few years until I can play for England and win us the World Cup.”</p>
<p>Sirius laughed. “Why don’t you start with the House Cup, big shot. Ready for the match this weekend?”</p>
<p>“I’ve been ready for <em>weeks</em>,” said James fervently. “It’s the Slytherins who are pissing themselves.”</p>
<p>And James was off on another monologue about Quidditch. Sirius was grateful for Peter’s unswerving attention, as Sirius himself was highly distracted. Thoughts of the Gryffindor vs. Slytherin match inevitably brought about thoughts of Regulus. Sirius suspected he had been the only person in Gryffindor who hadn’t been sorry to see the match delayed. He kept this opinion to himself, of course, as James would’ve deemed it high treason, but all the same, for reasons he did not entirely allow himself to probe, the thought of seeing his younger brother on the field filled him with dread.</p>
<p>There was no good reason for it. He’d glimpsed his brother in passing around the castle plenty of times — how could he not? — and while the sight of him always evoked something of an unpleasant pang, it wasn’t as though he was <em>grieving</em> or anything stupid like that.</p>
<p>(He hadn’t spoken to his brother once since he’d run away.)</p>
<p>(He’d probably never speak to him again.)</p>
<p>No, it wasn’t the prospect of <em>seeing</em> him that was causing so much discomfort, but rather the prospect of seeing him surrounded by <em>those</em> Slytherins — Lestrange, Avery, Mulciber. The Slytherin elite. The Death Eaters aspirant. In some mysterious way, he felt as though it would finally, irrefutably, fundamentally end things between them.</p>
<p>
  <em>Don’t be an idiot, Reg.</em>
</p>
<p>A faint tapping disturbed this reverie, and Sirius looked up to see an owl pecking at a nearby window. He blinked in surprise. It was Glaucus, his brother’s handsome grey owl. For a wild moment, Sirius thought he must have conjured the bird by sheer force of imagination, but then he noticed a small scroll of parchment affixed to the owl’s talon.</p>
<p>Noting that James was still passionately describing the Gryffindor Quidditch team’s training regiment to an equally-enthusiastic Peter, Sirius stood and crossed to the window. A breath of spring air entered as Sirius unhooked the latch and claimed the scroll from the owl. His sacred duty complete, Glaucus ruffled his feathers once and promptly took off across the sky. Sirius watched him go, a gray dot fading into the horizon, then he turned his attention to the scroll of parchment with a distinct sense of unease.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Sirius,</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>I need your help. You know I wouldn’t write if it weren’t important. Meet me in dungeon twelve at ten o’clock after the Quidditch match this weekend. Come alone. Please.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Regulus</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sirius read the letter again, and then a third time through, as though he’d somehow missed some vital detail in the text. <em>I need your help. </em></p>
<p>“Wasn’t that your brother’s owl?” Sirius looked up to see James observing him quizzically. “What’s that letter?”</p>
<p>“Nothing,” said Sirius quickly, and he tossed the parchment into the fire. “Stupid bird gets confused.” But as he dropped himself back into the armchair, his mind raced down troubling avenues. <em>I need your help.</em> His stomach lurched. What had the idiot got himself into now?</p>
<p>In the fireplace, the scroll of parchment crackled and curled upon the hot coals. Sirius watched it until only one word remained: <em>Please</em>.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>The advent of Regulus’s letter tormented Sirius throughout the rest of the week. What help could Regulus possibly need from his banished brother? He couldn’t shake the feeling that Regulus had gotten himself in deep trouble. Or maybe he’d had a change of heart. Maybe he’d wised up and realized that Lucius Malfoy’s little hobby of murder and destruction wasn’t so grand after all, just because Cissy said so. Maybe…</p>
<p>No. He was a lost cause. That’s what Sirius had told James. <em>He’s not my brother,</em> he’d said, and he’d meant it. Regulus had made it clear that he didn’t care what Sirius thought about his newfound Death Eater fascination. Regulus had made it clear that he preferred Cissy and her Death Eater fiancée to his own brother. So why shouldn’t Sirius wash his hands of him? Whatever trouble Reg had gotten himself into, it was no longer any concern of Sirius’s.</p>
<p>And yet…</p>
<p>He didn’t mention the letter to any of his friends. Even if he’d wanted to, James was far too busy with the pre-Quidditch fervor. The morning of the match arrived along with a gaggle of enthusiastic students that crowded around his friend at the breakfast table. James greeted them all cheerfully, chewing his toast and chatting in a markedly more relaxed manner than he had before the previous match.</p>
<p>“All right,” James announced to his admirers when he’d finished his meal. “Montgomery’s giving me the eye. See you at the post-match party.” He knocked back the rest of his pumpkin juice and swaggered off amid cries of good luck. A few people whistled.</p>
<p>As the Gryffindor team left, Sirius’s treacherous gaze wandered over to the Slytherin table, but he did not see his brother among the sea of green there.</p>
<p>“You okay?”</p>
<p>He jerked back to attention to find Remus watching him closely, a faint frown on his face.</p>
<p>“Never better,” said Sirius.</p>
<p>Soon after, the rest of the school began an enthusiastic trek out to the Quidditch pitch, and Sirius, Remus, and Peter followed. They chose seats at the tiptop of the stands — the best possible vantage point — and settled themselves in for the match. Amid the swells of cheers and excitement, Sirius tried to suppress the rising sense of foreboding that had haunted him all week.</p>
<p>They watched from far above as the two teams strode from opposite ends of the field. Sirius easily recognized James’s confident strut a few steps behind the captain, his broomstick swung over his shoulder with a cavalier confidence.</p>
<p>Directing his gaze to the other end of the field, Sirius sought out his brother. He had to squint a bit, but there at the back was Regulus. He was the smallest of the lot by far, but he walked with the strict posture he always adopted at Black family events. Shoulders back, chin raised high.</p>
<p><em>“You will walk with the dignity of your house and your name,”</em> his mother’s voice hissed in his memory. <em>“You will not slouch like some half-blood shopkeeper.”</em></p>
<p>A whistle shrieked and fourteen broomsticks rose high into the air.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“Aaaaand it’s Gryffindor in possession — Potter streaking down the field — passes to Montgomery — passes to Collins — back to Potter — blimey, look at him go! Tricky swerve on that Bludger there, but he’s still got the Quaffle, and —”</p>
<p>There was a great roar from the Gryffindors as James scored yet another goal. Peter was jumping up and down on the bench, and Remus was cheering loudly beside him, a wide grin on his face. Sirius let out a shrill wolf-whistle as James did a victory loop-de-loop around the field.</p>
<p>The match had been going on for about an hour now, and so far both teams had put on a good show — but none so impressive as James, who had scored goal after goal after goal. Of course, Slytherin had been scoring as well, but this just made each point gained by Gryffindor even sweeter to the wild crowd dressed in red and gold.</p>
<p>“Okay, we’re ahead,” narrated Peter unnecessarily, “but not by a lot. Shirali needs to catch the Snitch now, or —”</p>
<p>The rest of his words were drowned out by a wave of groans from the Gryffindors. Slytherin had just scored.</p>
<p>Sirius’s eyes found his brother once again. He had to admit that Regulus was a better flier than he’d expected. So far, he’d mostly stayed out of the way — circling high above the rest of the match, searching for the Snitch — but he moved quickly on his broomstick, and a stray Bludger or two had proven his reflexes were good. Of course, it didn’t hurt that his broomstick was top of the line. The best that Black money could buy, which was, of course, the best.</p>
<p>Almost compulsively, Sirius found himself running through the letter in his head for the thousandth time.</p>
<p>
  <em>I need your help. You know I wouldn’t write if it weren’t important.</em>
</p>
<p>Sirius did know that. Regulus had surely been forbidden from speaking to his banished brother, just like the two boys had been forbidden from speaking to Andromeda after she’d run off with that Muggle-born. But that was the difference between Sirius and his brother, he thought savagely, watching as Shacklebolt sent a Bludger zooming across the pitch. Sirius hadn’t accepted Mummy’s word as law. He’d broken the rules and written Andromeda, again and again, never mind the consequences.</p>
<p>Of course, she hadn’t written back, and though he’d never admit it to anyone, it had devastated him. How desperately he’d wanted her to respond. How desperately he’d craved any word that she still considered him family, that she was still his friend…but Andromeda had never written back. She’d left him hanging, alone and friendless in the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.</p>
<p>He couldn’t do that to Reg.</p>
<p>Just then, Regulus jerked his broom towards Sirius, and for a frantic, fleeting moment, Sirius thought they’d made eye contact — but then Regulus dove, plummeting towards the earth, and the crowd shrieked.</p>
<p>James, who was halfway across the field with a Quaffle under his arm, turned in alarm. Prateek Shirali, the Gryffindor Seeker, took off after Regulus in a sharp descent — he was only about a foot away — and then Regulus raised his fist into the air, and it was over.</p>
<p>Slytherin had won.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>The fifth year boys’ dormitory was unsettlingly quiet. The word ‘funereal’ was perhaps fitting. A freshly-turned vampire, for instance, would have found it quite homey. Sirius, on the other hand, was unimpressed.</p>
<p>“Okay, enough’s enough. You have to get out of bed.”</p>
<p>These words were directed at the lump that was situated under James Potter’s duvet.</p>
<p>The lump ignored him.</p>
<p>“Come on, mate,” said Sirius. “Get up. You’ll miss dinner.”</p>
<p>“No,” said the lump. “I am in a cocoon of despair, and I’m staying here forever.”</p>
<p>“You’ll get hungry.”</p>
<p>“No, I won’t. I’ve forgotten how to be hungry. I’ll never be hungry again.”</p>
<p>Sirius sighed. “Suit yourself.”</p>
<p>Dinner at the Gryffindor table was unusually subdued. It was one thing to lose a Quidditch match, but to lose a match to Slytherin was nearly intolerable. Things weren’t much better back in the common room. The depressive atmosphere was hard to escape, and Sirius had his own reasons for a bad mood.</p>
<p>He tried not to think about Regulus, the way his brother had barely even smiled when he’d realized they’d won.</p>
<p>
  <em>Sirius, please…</em>
</p>
<p>The clock ticked ever on, and Sirius hadn’t made up his mind.</p>
<p>By quarter-til-ten, James still hadn’t emerged from his cocoon of despair, and Remus, already looking a bit peaky as the full moon approached, decided to escape the Gryffindor gloom by going to bed early. Peter was anxiously scratching at his Herbology homework, a paper that Sirius had finished ages ago. Sirius kept checking his watch.</p>
<p>Finally, as it neared ten o’clock. He couldn’t stand it any longer.</p>
<p>“Shit,” he said, and he headed for the portrait hole.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>Sirius had never been to dungeon twelve. He hadn’t even known there was a dungeon twelve. As he crept past dungeons three, four, and five — all typically used for Potions classes — and down a twisting stone stairwell lit by the flicker of torchlight, it occurred to him that the dungeons of Hogwarts went deeper into the bowels of the castle than he’d ever realized. He supposed it made sense that his brother, whose own dormitory was located in the dungeons, would have a more thorough knowledge of this part of the castle, but still it annoyed him. Sirius prided himself on knowing more of Hogwarts’ secrets than anyone else at school, certainly more than his baby brother.</p>
<p>He squinted at his watch through the dark. He still had some time before curfew, but he noted that if their talk went on for too long, he’d have to take one of the secret stairways back to Gryffindor tower to avoid detection and detention. This was merely a logistical observation. It did not impact his plans in the slightest.</p>
<p>The stone stairwell opened up to a low-ceilinged tunnel of a hallway where a brassy little plaque hung next to a door announcing: <em>DUNGEON NINE</em>. He was getting closer, at least.</p>
<p>He pressed on.</p>
<p>Eventually, at the very end of the torchlit hall, Sirius found dungeon twelve. Its door was made of thick, heavy oak, and it creaked on ancient hinges as he gave it a push, opening up to a void of utter darkness.</p>
<p>“Hello?” Sirius called into the gloom. “Regulus?”</p>
<p>There was no response. If that bastard stood him up…</p>
<p>He lit his wand and took a step deeper into the dungeon, but he had barely crossed the threshold when the door snapped shut behind him, the darkness of the dungeon swallowing him whole.</p>
<p>Sirius whirled around, ready for a fight, but before he could react, a familiar, slimy voice shouted, “Expelliarmus!” and his wand went sailing out of his hand.</p>
<p>All around the room, candles slowly brightened and figures stepped out of the shadows. Among them he recognized Mulciber and Avery…and the voice that had disarmed him…<em>Snivellus</em>.</p>
<p>His brother, however, was nowhere to be found.</p>
<p>“Where’s Regulus?” Sirius demanded, glaring at the Slytherins.</p>
<p>“Incredible,” came the voice of Rabastan Lestrange, moving into the candlelight. “He’s every bit as gullible as Bella said he’d be.”</p>
<p>Mulciber stepped forward, his wand aloft, a look of satisfaction on his face. “You didn’t really think,” he said softly, “that you could just walk away from your bloodline without any consequences?”</p>
<p>“What the hell is this?” Sirius’s wandless hands were clenched into tight fists as the Slytherins moved closer.</p>
<p>Rabastan’s grin was shadowed and gaunt in the stutter of candles. “Think of it as a family reunion.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi hello! The past week has been strange and surreal and overwhelming and I am consequently very behind at responding to people but please know that I love you and I have never been more grateful for all of you than I have this past week, thank you for joining me on this fanfic journey and now I am going to end this very long run-on sentence to say sorry for the cliffhanger and see you Thursday! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0046"><h2>46. The Rules of Engagement</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Content note: This chapter includes description of physical violence. It's not too graphic (in my opinion), but please proceed with caution if that's a trigger for you. &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  
</p><h1>PETER</h1><hr/><h2>The Rules of Engagement</h2><p>The common room was nearly empty as Peter plowed wearily through his essay on Flitterbloom propagation. It was almost one o’clock in the morning and he longed to give up, but the essay was due tomorrow, and he was just skirting the edge of an Acceptable in the class.</p><p>He didn’t see why he was supposed to care about Flitterbloom propagation. Wasn’t that what they had Herbologists for? And, as confirmed in his rather depressing career advice meeting with Professor McGonagall, Peter Pettigrew was not going to be a Herbologist.</p><p>The question of what Peter Pettigrew <em>was</em> going to be was one that seemed to stump his Head of House as much as it stumped him. The statistics weren’t good: Potions was a weekly disaster, as both professor and pupil would agree. Charms was rubbish, and Peter was more than ready to drop the subject as soon as possible. It was Professor McGonagall’s opinion that he wasn’t particularly talented at Transfiguration, and while Peter longed to smugly reveal his secret Animagus, he couldn’t really argue with his poor test scores. He’d had a few Acceptables over the years in Defense Against the Dark Arts, a solid enough standing in Muggle Studies, and decent if unreliable marks in Astronomy. When you laid it all out on paper, as Professor McGonagall had unflinchingly done, Peter Pettigrew wasn’t good at much of anything.</p><p>The soft pad of slippered feet interrupted these morose thoughts, and Peter looked up from his essay to see James slumping down the stairs.</p><p>“You’re alive,” said Peter warmly as James crumpled into the seat across from him. Peter was glad to see him.</p><p>“Hmph,” said James.</p><p>“I thought you’d gone to bed.”</p><p>“Couldn’t sleep,” said James. “Besides, I got hungry.”</p><p>“Have a cauldron cake,” offered Peter, who made it a point to always tackle his homework with a reliable pile of snacks.</p><p>James grunted a word of thanks and tore open the packaging of a cake with a despondent rustle. “What are you still doing up, anyway?”</p><p>“Herbology essay,” said Peter glumly. “It’s due tomorrow.”</p><p>James gave it a dismissive look. “I finished that ages ago. How much do you have left?”</p><p>“A lot.”</p><p>“Forget it. You can copy mine in the morning, if you want.”</p><p>Peter set his quill down with a grateful smile. It didn’t matter, he reminded the guilt-inducing voice in his head that sounded an awful lot like his mum, because he <em>wasn’t</em> going to be a Herbologist.</p><p>“Where’s Sirius?” asked James, with a long stretch of his limbs. “He wasn’t in the dorm, I figured he’d be down here.”</p><p>“He went for a walk a couple hours ago,” said Peter. “Hasn’t come back yet.” Peter didn’t mention that Sirius’s tone had made it quite clear that Peter had not been invited to come along.</p><p>“A walk? That’s weird…”</p><p>Having finished the cauldron cake, James crumped up its wrapper and sent it soaring across the common room where, in true Chaser form, it landed perfectly in a nearby bin. “And the crowd goes wild,” said James morosely.</p><p>“Oh, cheer up,” said Peter. “It was only one match.”</p><p>The look James gave him suggested Peter had just euthanized his pet Niffler. “One match? <em>One match?</em> Pete, one match is all it takes to win or lose the Quidditch Cup! This could ruin everything we’ve been working towards! It’s over! We’re never going to win the Cup now!” And with a defeated moan, he buried his face in his hands.</p><p>“Yeah, but you lost by thirty points,” said Peter.</p><p>James lifted his head and glared. “Thanks for reminding me.”</p><p>“No, I mean you <em>only</em> lost by thirty points. Thirty points is nothing. All we need is for Slytherin to beat Hufflepuff by a margin of at least fifty and you’re still in the running."</p><p>“That’s true…” said James slowly, straightening up a bit, “and if Ravenclaw beats Slytherin…”</p><p>“Even if they don’t,” said Peter, “you racked up the points in the first match. They’d have to lose by <em>a lot</em> to knock Gryffindor out.”</p><p>James chewed his lip, evidently doing some mental mathematics. “You know what? I think you’re right, we might still have a shot after all!”</p><p>His burst of optimism, however, was abbreviated by the swing and thud of the portrait hole door. Peter and James both looked over as a body half-climbed, half-tumbled into the common room and collapsed to the floor.</p><p>It took the boys more than a moment to recognize the body as belonging to their own friend. James was on his feet first; he sprinted across the common room and knelt beside Sirius, who lay in a heap on the carpet. Peter followed, eyes wide as he took in the sight before him.</p><p>Sirius’s face was black and blue, his lip split, his nose crusted with dried blood that had clearly coursed down his chin and onto his clothes. There was another large clot of blood in his hair, and one arm clutched tenderly at his side as though his ribs had been broken. To put it plainly: He looked as though he’d had the shit beaten out of him.</p><p>With effort, Sirius pushed himself up onto his knees, then curled over and vomited from the effort.</p><p>“Holy fucking hell, Sirius,” breathed James. “What happened to you?”</p><p>Sirius looked up at them and there was a darkness to his eyes that was frightening. “Family reunion,” he rasped, and when he laughed — a humorless, slightly insane-sounding laugh — he revealed bloodied gums.</p><p>Peter was confused by this response, but when looked to James, his friend’s expression had grown murderous. “Which one of those bastards did this?” James demanded in a low voice.</p><p>“The whole fucking gang,” said Sirius. “Cousins galore. My ‘goodbye’ party, you might say.” He wiped the vomit from his mouth and lay back down on the floor, rolling onto his back, staring at the ceiling with empty eyes. “Haven’t got a drink, have you?”</p><p>“Fucking hell,” said James. “Okay, come on.” With some resistance, he pulled Sirius upright and onto his feet, shouldering his weight on one side as he directed them towards the portrait hole. “I’m taking you to the hospital wing.”</p><p>Sirius lurched away, reeling slightly. “No, you’re not.”</p><p>“What are you talking about? Look at you!”</p><p>“I’m not going to Pomfrey.”</p><p>“Sirius—”</p><p>“I’m not going fucking Pomfrey!” repeated Sirius, and his scowl was fierce enough that even James faltered. “That’s exactly what they want. To make an example out of me. To make me go crawling to the hospital wing, so everyone in school will know they kicked my fucking arse.”</p><p>“If you don’t go,” said James, “they’ll know just the same. Have you looked in a mirror recently?”</p><p>“You can fix me up,” said Sirius gruffly. At James’s incredulous look, he added, “You’ve done it before. Christmas. The full moons.”</p><p>“That’s different. That’s — minor cuts and scrapes. This is way beyond that.”</p><p>“Then it’ll be good practice for you, won’t it?”</p><p>James stared at him. Sirius glowered back through his bloodied face, unflinching. Then, without looking away, James said, “Peter?”</p><p>Peter jumped at being addressed.</p><p>“Go up to the dormitory and get my kit, will you? You know the one.”</p><p>Peter agreed and scurried up the spiral staircase to their dormitory, grateful to have a task. He did know the one. For the past few months, under James’s direction, Peter had been sneaking into the hospital wing as a rat and stealing supplies for their full moon kit. (“It’s not really stealing,” James had reasoned, “since Pomfrey would have to use the stuff on us anyway. We’re just saving her some time.”)</p><p>Under the soft acoustics of Remus’s snores, Peter silently and hurriedly rummaged through James’s trunk until he found it: the small, leather-cased box that Peter knew held much more than its diminutive size let on. He tucked it under his arm and carefully closed the trunk. After a moment’s consideration, he crossed to Sirius’s bed and slid a bottle of firewhiskey from under the mattress. Then he tiptoed back out of the room.</p><p>He descended the stairs to find Sirius collapsed on a couch with his shirt off, wincing as James prodded gently at his ribs with his wand.</p><p>“I think they’re just bruised,” James was saying. “Not broken.”</p><p>“Hallelujah,” said Sirius through gritted teeth.</p><p>“Is this a…a burn mark? What the ever-loving <em>fuck</em>, Sirius?”</p><p>“Can you heal it?”</p><p>“Yeah, but—”</p><p>“Then just do it and quit the commentary before I throw up again.”</p><p>Peter, who had never much liked the sight of blood, took a shaky breath and walked over. He handed the little leather box to James and the bottle of whiskey to Sirius.</p><p>“Cheers,” said Sirius with a grateful swig.</p><p>Peter curled up into a chair, hugging his knees to his chest and watching as James opened the little box and rummaged around, pulling out various bottles and tinctures and swaths of gauze. Then, after a quick inventory of his selection, he got to work, silently and furiously.</p><p>It was slow work, primarily because every few spells James had to stop and check something in <em>The Healer’s Helpmate,</em> but at last, at almost two o’clock in the morning, he lowered his wand.</p><p>“All right,” James said heavily. “I think that’s the best I can do. The bruises should fade by morning. If you have any more trouble breathing or your ribs still hurt by the end of the week, you’re going to the hospital wing if I have to drag you there myself.”</p><p>“Fair enough,” agreed Sirius. He went to pull on his bloodied shirt, thought better of it, and crumpled it into a ball under his arm. Then, still a tad unsteadily, he made to stand up.</p><p>“We’re not done here,” said James.</p><p>“But you just said—”</p><p>James’s gaze was steely. “I want you to tell me exactly how this happened.”</p><p>Sirius looked away. “It doesn’t matter. I won’t be so stupid next time.”</p><p>“It matters. Tell me.” When Sirius didn’t respond, James let out a frustrated noise. “If this is going to be a thing we do, if I’m going to keep patching you up after your family decides to use you as a punching bag—”</p><p>“They’re <em>not</em> my family!”</p><p>James was unfazed. “You know what I meant. Tell me what happened, Sirius.”</p><p>For a wavering moment, Peter thought that Sirius was going to shout or possibly even strike James, but then he let out a long, deep sigh and lowered himself back into the chair, wincing. And so Sirius told them the tale, about the letter from his brother and the plea to meet in dungeon twelve…</p><p>“And you went?” said James, his expression incredulous. “Alone? Why didn’t you bring me as back up?”</p><p>“You were a little busy mourning the Quidditch match…”</p><p>“Oh, don’t give me that bullshit. You know I would’ve come.”</p><p>Sirius pressed a palm to his temple. “I didn’t exactly realize I was walking into an ambush, okay? I thought Regulus had just…gotten himself in trouble again, but —”</p><p>“Your <em>brother</em> did this,” said James in disbelief.</p><p>“No,” Sirius shook his head. “He wasn’t even there. I dunno whether he was in on it or not—”</p><p>“He wrote the fucking letter!”</p><p>“I don’t think so. This all smells strongly of dear Bellatrix. She always used Reg to get to me in the past, I should’ve fucking known…”</p><p>James frowned. “Bellatrix? Your cousin who married Rodolphus Lestrange? But she’s not at Hogwarts anymore.”</p><p>“No, but her charming brother-in-law Rabastan is. Trust me, this was Bellatrix. She wanted to make sure I was punished…for running away, for humiliating them.” He took another long swig of the whiskey. “Bella’s always been a disciple of ‘eye for an eye.’ She wanted to make a point.”<br/><br/>“We should go to Dumbledore,” said James.</p><p>“No, we fucking shouldn’t. Haven’t you been listening to me at all? I don’t want anyone to know about this.”</p><p>“They could’ve killed you!”</p><p>“Nah,” said Sirius. “They didn’t want to kill me. That would’ve been a step too far, a line they couldn’t uncross. No, what they wanted was to humiliate me. They hexed me within an inch of my life and left me half-conscious in the dungeons, thinking I’d be found the next morning. They wanted me taken to the hospital wing in broad daylight so everyone would know that I’d been punished for daring to betray my bloodline and insulting the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black.”</p><p>He took another swig of the whiskey and realized with some disappointment that it was empty.</p><p>“They fucked up though,” he went on, tossing the bottle aside. “They didn’t expect me to be able to get all the way back to Gryffindor Tower on my own.”</p><p>“How <em>did</em> you get back here?” asked Peter, his eyes wide.</p><p>Both James and Sirius turned to look at him in faint surprise, as though they had forgotten he was there at all.</p><p>“It’s a good question,” said James, turning back to Sirius, who shrugged.</p><p>“I transformed into Padfoot, of course. Still hurt like hell, but everything’s easier to bear as a dog. Don’t worry, no one saw me.”</p><p>“Merlin,” breathed James.</p><p>“Oh, and you know else was there?”</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“Snivellus. Looks like he’s finally found some friends.”</p><p>James’s expression darkened even further. “Snape did this?”</p><p>“Some. I’m pretty sure he threw the inaugural <em>Expelliarmus</em>, as a matter of fact. I lost track of him after that, but I suspect he got in a good hex or two. Best moment of his miserable little life, I reckon.”</p><p>“I’m going to kill him,” said James in a low voice that Peter had never heard him use before.</p><p>Sirius laughed, harsh and humorless. “Not if I kill him first.”</p><p>Peter swallowed.</p><p>“You don’t want to go to Dumbledore, fine,” said James, “but they can’t be allowed to get away with this. This — this is war.”</p><p>“It’s been war, mate,” said Sirius. “The rules of engagement have simply changed.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Sirius made them promise not to speak a word of what happened to anyone — not Dumbledore, not McGonagall, not even Remus, who had slept through the whole ordeal. Peter had readily agreed because Sirius scared him when he got like that, but James, who was not so easily intimidated, merely sighed and said, “Sure, Padfoot. Whatever you say.”</p><p>The next few weeks were not fun. O.W.L.s were speeding towards them and the level of hysteria among the fifth years had spiked considerably. Marlene McKinnon, for example, could be found on any given evening on the common room floor, surrounded by a circle of textbooks and strewn sheafs of parchment, tugging at her hair and muttering angrily to herself.</p><p>His own friends were not entirely immune from the exam fervor, but at least they had the full moon to look forward to. They’d pulled off another successful romp in April, and ever since they’d been talking about the next nonstop. Though Remus grew as ill and exhausted as ever with the approaching moon, even he seemed enthusiastic about the plot, and Sirius seemed almost his old self whenever the subject arose. That was, until —</p><p>“We have a problem,” James announced one afternoon as he entered the dormitory, followed by a sulky-looking Sirius.</p><p>“What’s that?” said Remus, who was attempting to reread <em>The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 5</em> despite his evident illness.</p><p>James sat down heavily on the foot of his bed and looked to Sirius, who glowered. “You want to tell him?”</p><p>“We got detention,” said Sirius shortly. “Tomorrow night. Sundown.”</p><p>“Which, for the astronomically unsavvy among us,” said James, “is also moonrise.”</p><p>“Oh no,” said Peter.</p><p>“What happened?” said Remus.</p><p>James sighed. “For reasons mysterious to a rational man, McGonagall took offense at Sirius dueling Evan Rosier in the middle of the corridor.”</p><p>“And…you?”</p><p>James didn’t seem to understand the question.</p><p>“What did <em>you</em> do to get detention?” repeated Remus.</p><p>“I’m his second,” said James, as though this was obvious.</p><p>Remus looked almost amused. “Of course.”</p><p>“So what do we do?” asked Peter with an anxious glance at the other boys. James and Sirius <em>had</em> to be there for the full moon. Peter was not capable of handling a werewolf on his own. “If you’re in detention during—”</p><p>“We blow it off, obviously,” said Sirius.</p><p>“You can’t blow off Professor McGonagall,” said Remus.</p><p>“D’you think I care about her silly detention? I don’t give a rat’s arse. No offense, Wormtail.”</p><p>“None taken.”</p><p>“You don’t want to draw attention to the fact that you’re missing during the full moon,” insisted Remus. “You’ll have to go to the detention.”</p><p>“No one’s going to put two and two together—”</p><p>“Until they do,” said Remus firmly. “Look, if we’re going to keep doing this, we have to be smart about it. You didn’t waste four years learning to become Animagi just to get caught for skipping detention.”</p><p>James frowned. “So what, you’re saying we don’t come this month?”</p><p>“No, just…come later. After your detention. I’ll still be a werewolf then.”</p><p>“No way,” said Sirius. “Who knows how long it will take? You could be on your own for hours.”</p><p>Remus smiled slightly. “I endured full moons on my own for over a decade, Padfoot. I can handle a few hours.”</p><p>Sirius opened his mouth to respond, but Remus held up a hand. “Don’t argue with me. I’m too tired to argue. Just come when your detention’s over, and try to get out early on good behavior, if you can manage it.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>By the next morning, Remus had deteriorated to his usual pre-moon state and headed to the hospital wing while the others went to class. The looming detention had put something of a damper on the pre-moon excitement, but as James readily reminded a moody Sirius, they had <em>all</em> night.</p><p>At dinner, James crammed forkfuls of stroganoff into his mouth as he explained that he’d promised Montgomery to put in a few hours of practice before detention. Evidently, James had taken Peter’s pep talk to heart as he’d thrown himself back into practice with an enthusiasm bordering on mania.</p><p>This left Peter to walk back to the dormitory alone with Sirius, whose company had grown increasingly unpleasant since the incident of which Peter was not allowed to speak. Sirius had been sullen and spiteful all week, lashing out at Peter for little things. Peter was used to being on the receiving end of Sirius’s sniping, but that didn’t mean he liked it much.</p><p>And Sirius was in a particularly foul mood this evening, no doubt in anticipation of his inconvenient detention. Peter made a few faltering attempts at conversation as they climbed the stairs from the entry hall, to which Sirius responded with bleak brevity.</p><p>But then, as they were passing the statue of Lachlan the Lanky, Sirius stopped, suddenly alert, like a dog catching scent of prey. Peter was about to ask what was up, but Sirius held a finger to his lips and slowly shook his head. Then, without a word, he turned down a different corridor…one that led in the opposite direction of Gryffindor Tower. Peter hurried after him, bewildered but knowing better than to ask questions.</p><p>Down another corridor they went, and another, and another. Sirius strolled along calmly, his hands in his pockets and a faint smirk twisting his lips. Then, as the corridor reached a dead end, Sirius abruptly grabbed Peter by the arm. “In here,” he hissed, and Peter inhaled a great whiff of musty wool as Sirius shoved him behind a tapestry. “Look,” whispered Sirius, pulling the tapestry back ever so slightly.</p><p>Peter looked: Severus Snape skulked into view, his head jerking this way and that, searching for his missing marks. He’d obviously been following them this whole way. Sirius’s little detour suddenly made sense. Peter watched as Snape walked to the end of the corridor and placed a hand contemplatively on the stone, as if suspecting to unearth some secret passage through which the two boys had disappeared.</p><p>A triumphant smirk on his face, Sirius stepped out from behind the tapestry. “Where’s your new gang, Snivellus?”</p><p>Snape whirled about, his wand at the ready. Sirius already had his out, but he didn’t strike. Snape was as good as cornered at the dead end of the corridor, just as Sirius had intended when he’d slipped behind the tapestry. From a few steps behind, Peter watched in fervent anticipation, nervous and a little excited. He knew who would win in a duel between Sirius and Snape. There was no question. Snape seemed to recognize it as well.</p><p>“They’re right behind me, actually,” Snape said, with a jerky glance over Sirius’s shoulder. “Be here any minute.”</p><p>“Nah, I don’t think so.” Sirius’s voice was dangerously quiet. “See, you’ve been tailing us for quite a while now — rather amateurishly, I might add — and we’ve taken you for a bit of a loop. No one’s following you. It’s just you. All on your own.”</p><p>Snape clutched his wand; his hand twitched.</p><p>“I wouldn’t do that, if I were you,” said Sirius. “Not such a big man now, are you? Not much of anything without a gang of Death Eaters behind you.”</p><p>Snape made a move as though to hex him, but Sirius was faster and disarmed him before Snape could even get the words out. His wand flew smoothly into Sirius’s hand, and Sirius gave it one dismissive look before tossing it down the hall with a clatter.</p><p>“Rude,” said Sirius. “Here’s me, trying to have a perfectly civil discussion with you, and you go and try to hex me. Small wonder no one likes you.”</p><p>Peter sniggered, but privately he had to hand it to Snape. If Sirius had been looking at <em>him</em> like that, Peter didn’t think he’d be able to do much more than squeak.</p><p>“Why are you following us?” demanded Sirius.</p><p>“That’s my own business,” muttered Snape.</p><p>“Really? ‘Cause it smells a whole lot like mine.” Sirius advanced, his wand raised threateningly as he got in Snape’s face. “And not a good enough answer. You’ve been sneaking around all year, stalking us, spying on us…what do you think you know, Snivvy?”</p><p>A brief pause.</p><p>“That wasn’t rhetorical. Tell me, or I’ll hex you ’til you’re unrecognizable.”</p><p>Snape seemed to take this threat seriously, which was wise as Peter thought Sirius probably meant it.</p><p>“I know you sneak out of the castle every full moon,” breathed Snape. “And I know it’s illegal, whatever you’re up to. It’s illegal and I’m going to find out where you go, and then you’ll be expelled like you deserve—”</p><p>To Peter’s surprise, Sirius actually laughed. Then he began to clap, slow and sardonic. “Well done, Detective Snivellus,” he said. “You’ve been following us for a year and all you’ve got is that we’re sneaking out and it’s probably illegal? Merlin, you’re stupider than I thought.”</p><p>Snape’s sense of pride seemed to get in the way of his sense, and he added almost spitefully, “And I know your friend — your <em>sick</em>, little friend — gets escorted out of the castle on the full moon…”</p><p>“Ah,” said Sirius softly. “Now we’re getting somewhere.”</p><p>Peter shot Sirius a quick, questioning look, but Sirius’s attention was fixed firmly on the squirming Slytherin at the end of his wand.</p><p>“You really want to know what we’re up to, do you? All right, Detective Snivellus, here’s a clue: Why don’t you go take a nice, long stick and prod the knot of the Whomping Willow’s trunk tonight? See what happens.”</p><p>“Sirius!” hissed Peter urgently. Sirius ignored him.</p><p>“But we both know you won’t,” said Sirius, leaning very closely towards Snape’s sallow face. “Because you’re a coward.”</p><p>Then, giving Snape a harsh shove against the wall, Sirius turned and strolled away. Peter scurried after him, throwing one anxious glance back at the Slytherin.</p><p>“What did you just do?” Peter squeaked, once they were out of earshot.</p><p>Sirius was unconcerned. “I didn’t tell him anything he didn’t already know.”</p><p>“You told him how to get past the Willow!”</p><p>“Relax,” said Sirius. “He’s not going to do it. He’s too much of a sniveling little coward. At most he'd get half way and wet himself. Besides, he’s been following us for months. If he really wanted to, he’d have figured it out already. It’s not that hard.”</p><p>“But why tell him at all?”</p><p>Sirius responded with a satisfied little smirk. “Because it will drive him mad.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Back in the common room, Peter chewed on this exchange all evening. He didn’t dare bring it up again with Sirius, but a seed of worry had settled in his stomach. Despite Sirius’s insistence otherwise, Peter was not confident that Snape was too cowardly to investigate the little tip about the Whomping Willow. If anything, watching the way Snape had handled himself in the corridor, the way he couldn’t resist goading Sirius, even when they had him cornered…Peter suspected Snape was a dash more daring — and even reckless — than any of them liked to admit.</p><p>He was still fretting over all this when James returned from Quidditch practice.</p><p>“Good fly?” asked Sirius cavalierly as James sauntered over.</p><p>“Not bad,” said James. “I’m just going to run up and change and then I suppose we should go and do our penitence with dear Minerva.”</p><p>Sirius snorted and flipped the page in his book, feet propped up on the coffee table. Peter watched as James climbed the stairs to the dormitory. Should he tell him? He should tell him. He didn’t want to rat Sirius out, but it was only James…surely Sirius would tell James anyway. And if James knew, then it wouldn’t be all on Peter’s shoulders. James would know what to do, if anything should even be done…</p><p>“I’ve got to — er — run and grab a different quill,” Peter said, fumbling over an excuse, but he needn’t have bothered because Sirius ignored him completely. Peter scampered up the spiral stairs after James. He reached the dormitory and hesitated in the doorway, fidgeting while James pulled off his Quidditch robes.</p><p>James glanced at him over his shoulder. “What’s up?”</p><p>Peter chewed his tongue, trying to find the words.</p><p>“Peter, what’s wrong?”</p><p>So Peter told him.</p><p>“He WHAT?!”</p><p>James snatched his clean robes off the bed, flung them over his shoulders, and took off sprinting down the stairs, leaving Peter in the dormitory alone to wonder if he’d just made a huge mistake.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>welp. here we are. it's happening.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0047"><h2>47. The Boy Who Cried Wolf</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/>
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</p>
<h1>JAMES</h1>
<hr/>
<h2>The Boy Who Cried Wolf</h2>
<p>James ran. He ran faster than he’d ever run in his whole life. He sprinted down the dormitory’s spiral staircase and barreled across the common room, not even pausing to respond to Sirius’s shout — he’d deal with that later — or apologize to Lily Evans as he nearly knocked her down outside the portrait hole. </p>
<p>He careened through the corridor, skidding around corners, plowing through student and ghost alike, until at last he burst through the castle doors, out into the fresh night illuminated by a bright and brilliant moon. </p>
<p>Full.</p>
<p>Heart pounding, blood pulsing through his veins, he raced towards the Whomping Willow…and as he barreled towards it, he saw a figure approach the trunk…the boughs froze…oh, Merlin…</p>
<p>James pushed himself harder, ignoring the screaming in his lungs. He arrived just as the tree began to unfreeze with the twitch of taut boughs. He hurled himself through the riven trunk into the tunnel and nearly made it unscathed, but a stray limb whacked him hard across the head just as he slipped through, sending his glasses flying into the dark. He scrambled for a moment to find them, fingers scrabbling along the dusty earth of the tunnel, then he stopped, frustrated with himself. He was losing time.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Accio glasses!”</em>
</p>
<p>He jammed the glasses back onto his face and took off again, the thud of his feet echoing down the tunnel. He moved as quickly as he could while stooping under the low ceiling. Never before had he felt so claustrophobic here. Then, as the tunnel curved, James saw him, bent double as the boy moved so carelessly towards certain catastrophe. His enemy.</p>
<p>“SNAPE!” James bellowed, and his voice sounded strange in the deep earth’s reverberation. </p>
<p>Snape froze and turned back to see James rushing towards him. But after only a moment’s hesitation, he pushed on, his pace quickening. He was determined.</p>
<p>“Stop, you idiot!” </p>
<p>But Snape had reached the trap door.</p>
<p>“Get away from there!”</p>
<p>James was very close now, close enough to see Snape’s snarl as he spat, “Don’t want me finding your little secret hideout?”</p>
<p>“Are you really this stupid? I don’t want you to DIE! Come on!”</p>
<p>Snape shot a disarming spell at James, taking him by surprise, and his wand went skidding into the dark, a tiny glimmer of light far too many feet away. </p>
<p>“For fuck’s sake!” </p>
<p>James furiously backtracked to collect his wand, and when he turned again towards the trap door, Snape had flung it open.</p>
<p>A low growl filled the tunnel and for a moment, both boys stood frozen in their tracks, listening. Then, the heavy tread and clatter of claws against floorboards boomed towards them, and the gigantic maw of an angry, trapped werewolf filled the doorway. </p>
<p><em>Moony</em>, James thought, a shockwave of desperation coursing through him.</p>
<p>The werewolf swiped an enormous paw through the trap door, and Snape fell onto his back, gasping, frozen in terror.</p>
<p>“RUN!” screamed James, rushing forward. He hauled Snape to his feet, grabbing him roughly by the shoulders, and shoved him down the tunnel. Snape finally seemed to come to his senses, and with barely a glance back at James, he hurtled away.</p>
<p>James hurried after him, his shoulders buffeting against the dank tunnel walls as he skidded along, until a deep thud resounded through the earth and he froze, rooted to the spot. Slowly, as though time had stopped, he turned to see that the werewolf had pushed himself through the trapdoor and into the tunnel. </p>
<p>“Oh, <em>fuck</em>.”</p>
<p>James had only ever seen Moony from the vantage of his stag Animagus, so it had never before struck him how truly enormous the werewolf was. His bulk nearly filled the tunnel, hackles raised, teeth bared, yellow eyes gleaming at James through the dark.</p>
<p>James took a shaky breath, his wandlight glinting off the wolf’s knife-like teeth.</p>
<p>“Moony,” he said, “It’s me…it’s Prongs…”</p>
<p>Time sped up again.</p>
<p>The werewolf leapt forward in attack, snarling, spit flying from its open maw. James scrambled backwards and tripped over a root, falling hard onto the earth, jamming his knee against a protruding rock — but he didn’t even have time to curse — for the werewolf was charging towards him, far too quickly for James to escape through the tight tunnel. He had to think fast. Reaching about blindly, he scraped up a handful of loose pebbles and threw them at the wolf, slicing his wand through the air as he did so — and the pebbles transfigured into a brick wall, filling the tunnel from floor to ceiling. </p>
<p>The wall appeared so suddenly that the wolf slammed into it with a horrible, crackling smash. A whimper from the other side. Then silence.</p>
<p>James flinched. He pressed his palm to the bricks. “Sorry, Moony,” he said, a deep tug of guilt in his gut.</p>
<p>But there was nothing more he could do for Remus right now. He turned back to the end of the tunnel just in time to see Snape clambering out. He had to stop him. He had to stop him from running into school and screaming from the top of his lungs that Remus was a werewolf.</p>
<p>James pushed himself into pursuit once again. He raced through the tunnel, skin scraping against rock and earth; he reached the end and wrenched himself from the Whomping Willow’s hollowed heart, jamming a fist onto the knot to freeze the tree’s boughs. Snape was a few yards away on his hands and knees, gibbering and retching, and James strode towards him, fear receding as rage rose to take its place. </p>
<p>Snape scrambled to his feet as James approached. “You tried to kill me!” he gasped.</p>
<p>“Are you kidding me?” said James, looking at the boy with utter contempt. “What the hell were you thinking, going down there?”</p>
<p>“You tried to kill me with a werewolf! Lupin <em>is</em> a werewolf! You’re hiding a <em>werewolf!</em>”</p>
<p>“Snape, I swear, if you tell anyone—”</p>
<p>“I’m going to tell everyone! People should know! They should know that Remus Lupin is a dirty, filthy—”</p>
<p>But he didn’t finish that sentence because James clocked him in the jaw.</p>
<p>“YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH ABOUT HIM! DON’T YOU DARE—!”</p>
<p>Snape was still shouting, his voice increasingly hysterical. “You’re going to be expelled! Just you wait! You’ve been hiding a werewolf! A WEREWOLF! I’m going straight to the Headmaster—”</p>
<p>“That,” said a cool voice from behind, “will not be necessary.”</p>
<p>The two boys turned as one to see Albus Dumbledore staring down at them with icy blue eyes, an immensely flustered Professor McGonagall by his side. Dumbledore turned first to James and said with a note of urgency in his voice, “Is Remus safe?”</p>
<p>Safe. Not ‘restrained’ or ‘confined,’ but <em>safe</em>. It was an important distinction, and it was exactly the reason why James trusted Dumbledore so implicitly. </p>
<p>“I think so,” said James. “I’m worried he might be hurt, but he can’t get out. At least — I’m pretty sure.” James shot a glance at Snape, who had been shocked into silence by the Headmaster’s unexpected arrival.</p>
<p>“Very well,” said Dumbledore. “Minerva, please escort Mr. Snape and Mr. Potter to my office. I will be with you shortly.” And their Headmaster strode off towards the Whomping Willow without another word.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>It was the longest walk of James’s life. </p>
<p>As Professor McGonagall led the boys silently through the castle, James’s mind was reeling. How did Dumbledore know they were there? What else did he know? Was Sirius in trouble? Had he confessed? And most troublingly — the question he could hardly bear to ask himself — what would happen to Remus now?</p>
<p>Beside him, Snape seemed to sense these troubled thoughts. “You’re going to be expelled,” he hissed as they rounded a corner, Professor McGonagall a few strides ahead. “You and your werewolf. Just wait.”</p>
<p>“That’s quite enough,” said Professor McGonagall sharply. </p>
<p>At last they reached a large, ugly stone gargoyle.  </p>
<p>“Peppermint Humbug,” said their teacher, and the gargoyle leapt aside to reveal a staircase that slowly spiraled upwards. James swallowed. For all his troublemaking and the long list of detentions he’d curated over the years, he had never actually been to the Headmaster’s office.</p>
<p>They arrived at a handsome oak door and Professor McGonagall rapped thrice upon the brass griffin knocker. James, who had been expecting an empty office, was surprised when the door opened to reveal Peter and Sirius slumped in their chairs, supervised by Professor Slughorn, who was looking very pale and kept fidgeting with the brass buttons of his waistcoat. Sirius straightened up in his seat as James entered. James shot him a searching look, trying to understand the course of events that had brought them all here, and he could tell that Sirius was doing the same.</p>
<p>Professor McGonagall gave a brisk wave of her wand and two additional spindly chairs appeared.</p>
<p>“Sit,” she said.</p>
<p>James took the seat beside Sirius. Snape pulled his chair as far away from the other three boys as he could manage. James ignored him; he had far more pressing concerns to deal with. He glanced at McGonagall, but she had gone over to Slughorn and was talking to him in a low voice, so James returned his attention to Sirius and Peter. They couldn’t talk, obviously, but James needed information, and he needed it fast. He had to know what they’d told the teachers. If they were going to get out of this…</p>
<p>He ran through an inventory of secrets in his mind, ticking off the ones that had already been exposed. Snape knew about Remus and how to get past the Whomping Willow. Dumbledore now knew that James knew how to get past the Whomping Willow. Either Peter or Sirius must’ve told Dumbledore that Sirius told Snape…he stopped, rubbing his temple. None of that mattered right now. Had they revealed the biggest secret of them all?</p>
<p>James hugged his arms to his chest and, in a pantomime of fidgeting, he carefully traced the letter ‘A’ on his sleeve, followed by a question mark.</p>
<p>Sirius blinked at him, uncomprehending.</p>
<p>James did it again. <em>Come on</em>, he thought in frustration. <em>Keep up. A for Animagus. Did you tell them?</em></p>
<p>It clicked, and Sirius gave the slightest shake of his head. James exhaled in relief. That was something. Before he could get any further information, however, the heavy oak door swung open again, and Professor Dumbledore entered. All of the room’s occupants looked up at him anxiously. Dumbledore said nothing immediately but rather crossed the circular room, sat down behind his desk, and looked solemnly at the four boys before him, all of whom quailed to some degree beneath that icy blue gaze. Behind them, Professors McGonagall and Slughorn remained standing.</p>
<p>Again, it was James who Dumbledore addressed first. </p>
<p>“You will be happy to know that Remus is safe and secured. Which,” he turned his gaze to each of the students individually, “is how I would like the details of this evening to remain.”</p>
<p>“Excuse me?” said Snape loudly.</p>
<p>“Quiet, Severus,” snapped Slughorn.</p>
<p>Dumbledore looked down at Snape, and his eyes were quite cold. “You did not honestly believe that a werewolf could be hidden on school grounds without my knowledge?”</p>
<p>Snape stared at him, his mouth slightly agape, and James shifted uncomfortably in his seat. A werewolf had run free with three illegal Animagi without Dumbledore’s knowledge…at least, he hoped.</p>
<p>“You knew?” spluttered Snape, so enraged that he had apparently forgotten he was speaking to the Headmaster. “You allowed that <em>thing</em> to come to Hogwarts, that half-breed <em>monster</em>?”</p>
<p>“You shut your mouth about him, you filthy old slime-bag!” snarled James.</p>
<p>“Mr. Potter!” rebuked McGonagall, but Dumbledore held up a hand for silence.</p>
<p>“Enough,” the Headmaster said. “Mr. Snape, I will not allow you to speak slurs in my presence. You will refer to Mr. Lupin by his proper name or not at all. Understood?”</p>
<p>Snape chewed his tongue.</p>
<p>Dumbledore raised an eyebrow.</p>
<p>“Yes, sir,” Snape relented, scowling at the floor. </p>
<p>“Good. Mr. Potter, you will not shout at nor insult Mr. Snape during the course of this conference.”</p>
<p>“Sorry, sir,” said James.</p>
<p>“Thank you,” said Dumbledore. “Now, I would like to hear precisely what happened tonight in your own words. Mr. Snape, why don’t you begin?”</p>
<p>Snape jerked forward a bit at this invitation. “What happened?” he half-shouted. “They tried to kill me, that’s what happened! Black sent me down that tunnel knowing full well there was a werewolf at the other end!”</p>
<p>“And how, exactly, did you find yourself in that tunnel?” asked Dumbledore. “Did Mr. Black force you there?”</p>
<p>Snape stared, looking somewhat wrong-footed by this line of questioning. “No,” he said through clenched teeth. “He didn’t force me.”</p>
<p>“Then you will understand why I am confused.”</p>
<p>A moment of hesitation. Snape seemed to have begun to grasp that things were not going his way. “I knew they were sneaking out of the castle on full moons, Black and Potter, and no one believed me, and then Black told me to prod the knot at the base of the Whomping Willow, and—”</p>
<p>“I didn’t tell you anything, you lying prick,” interjected Sirius. “You overhead me telling Peter and went off on your own. It’s not my fault you decided to stick your giant nose where it doesn’t belong!”</p>
<p>“That’s enough, Mr. Black,” said Dumbledore quietly.</p>
<p>“And our ‘sneaking out of the castle’ is your own paranoid fantasy,” Sirius plowed on. “Where d’you reckon we were going? To hang out with a werewolf? ‘Cause that went so well for <em>you</em>.”</p>
<p>“Mr. Black. <em>Enough</em>.”</p>
<p>Sirius shrugged, but as James watched his friend sink back into his chair with a faint air of satisfaction, he realized this outburst had been strategic. It had told James precisely what he needed to know: what Sirius and Peter’s story had been. What they’d told Dumbledore. It was a good one, as it was only sort of stretching the truth.</p>
<p>“He’s lying,” said Snape. “He told me—”</p>
<p>Dumbledore cut him off. “Mr. Snape,” he said, “whether Mr. Black told you how to get past the Whomping Willow or whether you eavesdropped does not change the fact that you chose — <em>you</em> chose — to leave your dormitory, to sneak out of the castle, and to trespass on forbidden property. Your actions tonight were unbelievably reckless and immensely damaging.”</p>
<p>“<em>My</em> actions—” Snape began, but he was quelled by the Headmaster’s piercing gaze.</p>
<p>“Now, Mr. Potter,” said Dumbledore, turning his attention to James. “I would like to hear your version of events.”</p>
<p>James thought very fast. He’d been given a distinct advantage in that Dumbledore had questioned Snape first, but he still had to be careful. If he were truly honest, Sirius could face expulsion. They could <em>all</em> face expulsion. He had to play it off as an accident, like Sirius and Peter had done. He took a deep breath.</p>
<p>“I had just gotten back from Quidditch practice. I went up to the dorm to change before — well, Sirius and I were supposed to have detention tonight. Sorry, Professor,” he added with a glance over his shoulder at Professor McGonagall. Her expression was stony.</p>
<p>“Anyway, Peter came up to the dormitory, and I could tell something was bothering him. He told me that on their way back from dinner he and Sirius were talking about the Whomping Willow, and Sirius brought up how to get past it. We’d speculated on it a lot over the years until Remus finally told us — but it was just talk, sir, I swear. We know better than to go down there, we’re not stupid…”</p>
<p>Beside him, Snape ground his teeth.</p>
<p>“And obviously Sirius shouldn’t have brought it up at all, but he didn’t know Snape was listening. He should’ve been more <em>careful</em>,” he added with a sharp look at his friend, “but it wasn’t intentional. See, this isn’t the first time we’ve caught Snape eavesdropping on us. He’s been stalking us all year, following us around the castle, listening in on our conversations, trying to get information on Remus. He’s obsessed with him.”</p>
<p>James shot a bitter glance at Snape, who was giving him in return a look that could be comfortably classified as ‘homicidal.’ James turned back to the Headmaster.</p>
<p>“So when Peter told me what he thought Snape overheard, I immediately assumed the worst. The full moon had just risen and I — I panicked, sir.”</p>
<p>“Quite understandable,” said Dumbledore. “And then what happened?”</p>
<p>“Well…” This next part of the story was easier, because it was all true. “I didn’t think I had time to get help or explain, so I just took off. Maybe that was stupid, but when I got outside, Snape had already gone down the tunnel. I got there just as the Willow unfroze — that’s how I got this,” he added, pointing at the sharp slice across his forehead, which had begun to throb as the adrenaline wore off. “I went as fast as I could, but Snape was ahead of me, and I got to him just as he opened—”</p>
<p>James paused, remembering that he needed to make it sound like he’d never been there before. “There was some sort of trapdoor, and Snape opened it, and that’s when Moon— I mean, that’s when the werewolf appeared.”</p>
<p>Behind him, Professor McGonagall took a sharp, shaky breath. </p>
<p>“Dear me, dear me,” Slughorn muttered to himself.</p>
<p>“And then?” pressed Dumbledore, still looking intently at James, who gazed back unguarded, caught up in the memory of those awful moments.</p>
<p>“Well, then I told Snape to run, didn’t I? He took off, and it was too late to get the trapdoor shut, so I started running too, but the wolf was racing after us, so I — well, I transfigured some rocks into a brick wall, sir. Just to block him, you see. But he was right behind me, so he — he hit the wall — <em>hard</em> — and it sounded like it really hurt him. I didn’t <em>mean</em> to hurt him, sir, but I didn’t know what else to do, and I —”</p>
<p>James was surprised and a little embarrassed to hear his voice catch in his throat. He was even more surprised to feel the gentle pressure of a hand on his shoulder. He glanced up. It was Professor McGonagall, and maybe it was just the glimmer of candlelight, but he thought she had a strange, glistening look in her eyes.</p>
<p>“You did the right thing,” said Dumbledore firmly. “Mr. Lupin will be fine. Once the sun rises, Madam Pomfrey will attend to him as usual. He will have had a rough night, but he will recover. Meanwhile, I have added a few spells to ensure the integrity of your wall, although I must say, it was already impressively strong,” he added with a nod to James.</p>
<p>“Er — good,” said James. Next to him, he thought Snape might explode with rage. “Well, anyway, that’s it.”</p>
<p>“That’s everything?” </p>
<p>James looked up into the Headmaster’s intense gaze, then glanced away. Did he know? Did he know that they were illegal Animagi? He couldn’t. If he did, then surely they would already be expelled.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” said James. “That’s everything. I mean, I followed Snape out of the tunnel and then, well…you showed up,” he finished a tad awkwardly.</p>
<p>“Indeed,” said Dumbledore. “Mr. Black and Mr. Pettigrew came directly to me after you ran off. They told me what they suspected Mr. Snape had overheard, and what you had run off to do. I came as quickly as I could. I must admit, I was not certain I would arrive in time to find two living students. You can imagine my great relief.”</p>
<p>James fidgeted slightly in his seat, trying not betray his own great relief that he’d got it right, that his story had lined up with Sirius and Peter’s.</p>
<p>“Nonetheless,” Dumbledore went on, “what happened tonight was gravely unfortunate, and I am very disappointed that it happened at all.” </p>
<p>This time his gaze slid to Sirius, who scowled and sunk a little lower in his seat.</p>
<p>“However, it has happened. And now it is of the utmost importance that we reach a mutual understanding about how we will move forward from this event.”</p>
<p>“Move forward?” interrupted Snape, who had chewed on his own silence all through James’s monologue but did not seem able to hold back anymore. “You’re not expelling them? They tried to kill me!”</p>
<p>“On the contrary, Mr. Snape,” said Dumbledore. “It seems to me that Mr. Potter saved your life.”</p>
<p>“Saved my life? <em>Saved my</em>—”</p>
<p>“And for that matter,” Dumbledore went on, raising his voice over Snape’s spluttering complaints, “you are very lucky that I am not expelling <em>you</em>, Mr. Snape. You broke numerous rules tonight and endangered the lives of two other students and yourself. I will deduct one hundred and fifty points from Slytherin and leave the rest of your punishment in the hands of your Head of House — and you should count yourself lucky that I am being so lenient.”</p>
<p>Snape seethed. He looked as though he wished he could kill Dumbledore using only his eyes. James had never seen such hatred.</p>
<p>But Dumbledore was not quite done. He turned to Professor Slughorn. “I have one condition, Horace, on whatever punishment you choose.”</p>
<p>“Certainly,” said Slughorn with a gracious nod. </p>
<p>“Mr. Snape,” said Dumbledore, “you will tell no one about what you saw in that tunnel tonight. You will inform no one, student or otherwise, about Mr. Lupin’s lycanthropy. You will not repeat any details of what happened tonight at any point to any person. Should you break these conditions, I will be forced to reevaluate your expulsion.”</p>
<p>Snape gaped at him, apparently unable to speak.</p>
<p>Out of the corner of his eye, James saw Sirius smirk, but James himself could not muster any more emotion beyond mere exhaustion.</p>
<p>“Now, Mr. Black and Mr. Pettigrew,” said Dumbledore. “I am deducting twenty points each for your careless tongues. You should know better than to speak of such things in public. However, I commend you for coming directly to me once you recognized the danger of your actions, and I will leave the matter at that. If Professor McGonagall feels any further punishment is due, I of course leave that to her discretion.”</p>
<p>“I think that will suffice,” said Professor McGonagall. </p>
<p>Dumbledore nodded. Then he stood and crossed the office to hold the door open. “Then Minerva, please escort Mr. Black and Mr. Pettigrew to their dormitory. Horace, if you could take Mr. Snape to the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey will see to those cuts. Then please ask her to come directly to my office for further instruction. In the meantime, I would like to have a word with Mr. Potter in private.”</p>
<p>James’s stomach sank. He watched as Peter and Sirius filed out behind Professor McGonagall. Snape shot him his most hateful look yet as he trailed behind Slughorn. </p>
<p>The heavy oak door clicked shut once more, and James stared at his own fidgeting hands as Dumbledore sat back down at his desk. Dumbledore had punished everyone but him. Was his own punishment to be so bad he didn’t want to say it in front of the others? He could feel the Headmaster’s gaze upon him, but James’s hammering heart was still stuck in that tunnel with Remus. He looked up. </p>
<p>“Sir?” he asked, before Dumbledore could speak.</p>
<p>“Yes?”</p>
<p>“What’s going to happen to Remus?”</p>
<p>“As I said earlier, Madam Pomfrey will tend to him in the morning. I do not expect there will be any lasting damage.”</p>
<p>“That’s not what I meant, sir,” said James. “You’re not going to send him away, are you?”</p>
<p>“Ah.” Dumbledore leaned back slightly in his chair and adjusted his half-moon glasses, surveying James all the while.</p>
<p>“It wasn’t his fault, sir,” said James quickly. “We were the ones who needled the information about the Whomping Willow out of him. He wouldn’t have told anyone. He had nothing to do with any of it, I swear. If you need to blame someone, blame me, but please don’t send him away, sir, <em>please</em>.”</p>
<p>Dumbledore held up a hand. “I have no intention of sending him away. As far as I am concerned, Remus Lupin was an innocent victim in tonight’s unfortunate event. He certainly will not be punished for an act he had no power to control.”</p>
<p>James sunk back into his chair in relief. </p>
<p>“As for you,” began Dumbledore, and James sat back up a bit straighter, “I am awarding one hundred and fifty points to Gryffindor.”</p>
<p>“Sir?”</p>
<p>“That’s fifty points for each life you saved tonight: yours, Severus Snape’s, and Remus Lupin’s. I suspect, given your state of agitation, you are aware of how the Ministry deals with werewolves that run amok?”</p>
<p>“Yes, sir,” muttered James, who generally tried not to think about it.</p>
<p>“Then you will agree, perhaps, that one hundred and fifty points is hardly sufficient for what you have accomplished tonight. However, I wish to keep the gossip surrounding this event as minimal as possible in a school such as Hogwarts. If Gryffindor suddenly leapt three hundred points, there would be talk.”</p>
<p>“I don’t care about the points, sir,” said James. “Not that I’m not grateful, of course,” he added quickly.</p>
<p>“You will also, I think, receive a Special Award for Services to the School,” said Dumbledore.</p>
<p>James opened his mouth, then closed it again, confused. “But you’re not — you’re not punishing me at all?”</p>
<p>Dumbledore smiled. “You showed incredible bravery tonight, James, and on top of that, quick thinking and skilled magic the likes of which most students your age would not be capable. Professor McGonagall speaks highly of your talent in Transfiguration, and that was quite evident tonight.</p>
<p>“But above all,” said Dumbledore, “you showed character. You risked your life to save not only a friend but an adversary. I commend you for that, though I do not think Severus Snape will ever forgive you for the debt.”</p>
<p>“I’ll never forgive <em>him</em>,” muttered James.</p>
<p>Dumbledore considered James through his half-moon spectacles, a contemplative look on his aged face. “I do not flatter myself to be so skilled a wizard as to be able to change a young man’s mind, but I would urge you not to let a schoolboy grudge dictate the course of your life, James. Ah — here’s Madam Pomfrey.”</p>
<p>The office door opened once more and James turned to see the school matron enter, looking as brisk and business-like as ever, if a tiny bit flustered. She clucked her tongue upon seeing James’s bloodied forehead and immediately set about healing him.</p>
<p>“It’s only a scratch,” protested James.</p>
<p>“Not if it gets infected, it’s not,” said Madam Pomfrey.</p>
<p>When she was finished, Dumbledore thanked her and turned to James. “Now, James, I trust you can see yourself back to your dormitory? I have matters of some importance to discuss with Madam Pomfrey.”</p>
<p>“Yes, sir.” </p>
<p>“And James, please understand that I must hold you to the same condition as Severus Snape. You must not speak the details of what happened tonight — to anyone.”</p>
<p>“I won’t,” James assured him, his hand on the door. “I won’t tell anyone. I don’t want anyone to know.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>James made his way through the shadowy corridors of Hogwarts, an after-hours pass signed by the Headmaster himself clutched in one hand. He should feel relief. The crisis had been averted. Snape had been forbidden from telling anyone what he now knew, Sirius wasn’t going to be expelled, and Remus…well, Remus hadn’t killed anyone.</p>
<p>Why, then, did he feel such a deep sense of dread as he climbed the stairs to Gryffindor Tower?</p>
<p>There were still a handful of late-night studiers peppered throughout the common room, but James moved through them like a ghost. He climbed the stairs to his dormitory, each step heavier than the last, and finally pushed open the door. Sirius and Peter were waiting for him. </p>
<p>Sirius stood as he entered. “James,” he said. “Everything all right?”</p>
<p>James closed the dormitory door, making sure that the latch clicked shut. He stared at the doorknob for a moment, considering how to respond to Sirius’s question. Then, as calmly as he could, he turned to face his friend.</p>
<p>“No, Sirius,” said James. “Everything is <em>not</em> all right. In case you missed it, Remus almost killed Snape tonight, and now Snape knows that Remus is a werewolf. What part of that seems all right to you?”</p>
<p>“He wouldn’t have killed—” began Sirius, but James cut him off.</p>
<p>“YES, HE WOULD!” James was slightly surprised to find himself shouting. It was not something he usually did, and it felt rather off, like wearing someone else’s robes. But all the same, he was shouting, and he didn’t know how to stop. “HE NEARLY KILLED ME, SIRIUS!”</p>
<p>Sirius stared. James had never shouted at him like this before.</p>
<p>“But — you could’ve transformed, right?” asked Peter timidly. </p>
<p>“Not in that tunnel I couldn’t,” said James. “And certainly not in front of Snape, unless we want him in on <em>that</em> little secret too.” He rounded on Sirius again. “How could you do it? How could you tell <em>Snivellus</em> about Remus?”</p>
<p>“He already knew,” said Sirius.</p>
<p>“No, he didn’t. He suspected, and that’s a very different thing. He obviously had doubts, or why would he go down there on the full moon?”</p>
<p>“Because he’s a fucking idiot, isn’t he?”</p>
<p>“<em>Why</em> would you tell him how to get past the Willow?”</p>
<p>“I didn’t think—”</p>
<p>“No, you’re right, you didn’t think! That’s the entire problem!” He was shouting again. It was exhausting work, shouting. “Do you know what the Ministry does to werewolves who attack people? They don’t give them a fine. They don’t even cart them off to Azkaban. They <em>execute</em> them, Sirius. You didn’t just nearly kill Snape. You nearly killed <em>Remus</em>.”</p>
<p>Sirius blanched. “Mate,” he croaked, “I never meant — I didn’t think Snape would actually —”</p>
<p>But a wave of exhaustion had swept over James, and he sat down on his bed, too tired to think, too tired to fight. “Look,” he said, “I’m knackered, all right? I just ran a fucking marathon, saved my arch-nemesis’s arse, got chased by a werewolf, and probably broke my friend’s nose with a brick wall in the process. I need sleep. I can’t do this right now. We’ll deal with it in the morning.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>But James did not sleep well. He dreamt of long tunnels and the heavy thud of paws behind him. He dreamt of Snape in executioner’s robes, holding a very large axe…and he dreamt of Remus…Remus with an expression of confusion and betrayal on his face as Snape raised the axe and James and Sirius looked on…</p>
<p>Finally, after waking up from yet another bad dream, he gave up on sleep and pulled his bed curtains open. Soft shafts of pink light fell through the window, and James realized with a fresh wave of nausea that it was sunrise. Remus would be waking soon, trapped behind a brick wall in the tunnel between shack and forest. If James knew Remus at all — and he did — the boy would be in a complete panic.</p>
<p>James turned away from the window, feeling helpless and rotten, and saw to his surprise that Sirius was already awake. He was sitting on his bed, hugging his knees to his chest, and staring off into space. He didn’t look as though he had gotten much sleep, either. After a moment, Sirius noticed that James was up; he swung his legs off the bed and said tentatively, “Can we talk?” </p>
<p>James agreed, and Sirius came over, sitting down heavily at the foot of James’s bed. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I never — I didn’t think Snape would actually go. I thought he was too much of a coward, and the knowledge would torment him. I know that’s not a good enough excuse,” he added quickly. “I didn’t think it through.”</p>
<p>“Well, that much is obvious,” said James. He paused for a moment, assessing his own emotional state. He wasn’t shouting — that was good, he hadn’t liked shouting — but the outrage of what Sirius had done still clung to him, like a bad aftertaste he couldn’t wash away. “We swore an oath, mate. We <em>swore</em> that we would take Remus’s secret to the grave. Marauders Code. I know we were only twelve, but I thought that meant something.”</p>
<p>“It <em>did</em>. It does.”</p>
<p>“Then how could you do it? You as good as gave that secret away. To <em>Snivellus!”</em> </p>
<p>“I don’t know, I just —” Sirius’s shoulders slumped, and he scrubbed a hand over an agonized face. “I was just so angry. I’ve been so fucking angry, and I don’t know what to do with it. It’s like — it’s like there’s poison inside me, and I can’t — I don’t <em>know</em> — and then Snape comes along, sneaking around, stalking us as usual, and all I can think about is him ambushing me with those other Slytherins in that stupid, fucking dungeon, and then I’m thinking about Bellatrix and my brother, and I just — I snapped, okay? I fucked up.” He gazed earnestly, almost desperately, at James. “I know I did. I really fucked up. But I never meant to hurt Remus. I swear it. I would never do that.”</p>
<p>Pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, James considered Sirius for a long, hard moment. He looked as miserable and beaten down as he had the night he’d shown up at Potter House after running away from home — wide-eyed, lost, desolate — and James softened. He knew he would never understand why Sirius had done what he’d done, but then, there was plenty about Sirius’s life that James would never understand, and he should count himself lucky. He would never understand what it was like to grow up with a mother who berated you, a father who hurt you, cousins who tormented you…James supposed he’d be angry too, if it were him. Sirius had been stupid, foolish, almost criminally careless…but he wasn’t a killer. James knew that.</p>
<p>“I know,” he said aloud at long last. “I know you’d never intentionally hurt Remus.”</p>
<p>Sirius’s face almost crumpled in relief.</p>
<p>“And I know you weren’t really trying to kill Snape. But,” James added heavily with a glance towards the sunrise seeping through the windowpanes, “it’s not me you have to apologize to.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0048"><h2>48. The Beast</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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</p>
<h1>REMUS</h1>
<hr/>
<h2>The Beast</h2>
<p>The first thing he noticed was the darkness. </p>
<p>Two bruised eyelids flickered open then snapped shut again, and there was no difference: no glimmer of light, no ghost trace of color on his retina, nothing at all. The dark was absolute and oppressive, an unending expanse of pitch black in which he lay trapped. Such intense darkness it was that for one wild moment, Remus thought it must still be night and he a wolf.</p>
<p>But then he registered the pain that commanded every inch of his body, the ache of his ribs, the pounding of his head, the throb of his nose…and he realized that something was terribly, terribly wrong.</p>
<p>Why was he alone? Where were his friends? Where was <em>he?</em> Unable to see, he scrabbled around desperately with a hand to try and make sense of his surroundings, but he felt only cold earth on every side. After a brief but all-encompassing moment of hysteria thinking he’d been buried alive, Remus noticed a fingernail’s sliver of light far off at the end of the tunnel…</p>
<p>The tunnel. He must still be beneath the Whomping Willow. The light must be from the trapdoor, left open in his attempted escape. But why was he still in the tunnel?</p>
<p>Sore and disoriented and claustrophobic, he forced himself to crawl away from the sliver of light, in the direction he knew would lead towards the Whomping Willow, out to the world of sunlight and freedom. Maybe his friends were waiting for him outside. Maybe they couldn’t get past the Willow for some reason.</p>
<p>But he’d only made it a few feet before he hit a wall — quite literally. A wall…in the tunnel? That wasn’t supposed to be there. He ran a hand over the obstruction and found that it was, impossibly, a brick wall. He could feel the grooves of mortar, the scrape of rough brick against the pads of his fingers. Panic rising, he tried to find a way around the wall, but it blocked the entirety of the tunnel. </p>
<p>A brick wall, entombing him here.</p>
<p>Remus knew that in his current state he would not be able to pull himself up through the trapdoor, so he simply collapsed there, crumpled on the dirt floor beside the brick wall, his mind roiling with worst-case scenarios that tormented his every ragged breath.</p>
<p>Something had gone wrong. James, Sirius, and Peter had been found out. Or perhaps he’d gotten away from them as the wolf. He’d hurt someone. He’d been bricked in here as punishment, that’s what this was. To keep him secure until the authorities could arrive. Until he could be carted off to the Ministry for judgement…or perhaps judgement had already been cast and this was his fate? Perhaps he was simply going to be left here, bricked into the Shrieking Shack for the rest of his days, left to starve and howl…</p>
<p>Nightmare after nightmare paraded through his mind until abruptly the brick wall melted away and a beam of wand-light shone through. Blinking against the blinding light, Remus saw the tall form of Professor Dumbledore, hunched over in the tunnel. If the Headmaster himself was coming for him, it must be serious. Behind Dumbledore was Madam Pomfrey, her usual professional composure momentarily fractured by the sight of the trembling, shattered boy before her. </p>
<p>Dumbledore seemed to sense Remus’s terror. He knelt down and placed a gentle hand on the boy’s quaking shoulder. “It’s all right, Remus,” he said. “Everything is all right.”</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>“No, I’m sorry. The hospital wing is not open for visitors yet.”</p>
<p>“Oh, come on, Madam Pomfrey. We’re hardly visitors. We’re practically residents.”</p>
<p>“You’ll have to come back later.”</p>
<p>“What difference does it make if we see him now or in a few hours? Just let us in.”</p>
<p>“He’s had a very difficult night, and he needs rest.”</p>
<p>“Please, Madam Pomfrey. We need to see him. You know we do.”</p>
<p>There was a fraught pause as the matron hesitated. When she spoke again there was a note of pity in her voice: “He doesn’t want to see you.”</p>
<p>Hidden away behind the crisp curtains of his hospital bed, Remus listened as the heavy doors to the infirmary were pulled shut. Lying on his side, he curled into himself, as if by taking up as little space as possible he could make himself disappear. He could almost see the hurt on his friends’ faces as they were turned away. Though it was true he did not want to see them, the image brought him no satisfaction. But he couldn’t face them. Not yet. The morning’s trauma was still too fresh in his mind. He pressed his palms to his eyes, remembering all that had transpired since the sun rose on this horrible, horrible day.</p>
<p>It had been less than an hour ago that the Headmaster himself had escorted Remus from the Whomping Willow back to the hospital wing. Dumbledore had waited patiently while Madam Pomfrey attended to Remus’s every gash, scratch, and bruise — of which this month there were many. He’d broken his nose somehow, among other things. Ripped at his own face, tormented his limbs. Evidently the wolf had been just as panicked to find itself trapped in the tunnel as Remus had been upon waking.</p>
<p>Once Madam Pomfrey had done the best she could (“It’ll just take some time to heal, Remus.”), Professor Dumbledore had sat down in the chair beside Remus’s bed — so often frequented by one of his friends — and explained what, exactly, had happened.</p>
<p>“I want to be very clear, Remus,” he said. “You are not at fault for what happened last night, and you will not be held accountable for the actions of others. Do you understand?”</p>
<p>Remus could hardly bring himself to look at the Headmaster — the man who had invited him to school when no one else would, who had gone out of his way to protect Remus, to keep him safe, to keep others safe from him. Not his fault? Of course it was Remus’s fault! He was the one who’d told Sirius how to get past the Whomping Willow in the first place! And Dumbledore didn’t even know what other dangers he’d wrought…</p>
<p>“Remus,” Dumbledore repeated again, his voice firm. “You are not responsible for the choices others make. Severus Snape chose to go down that tunnel, knowing full well it was forbidden and dangerous—”</p>
<p>“But now he knows!” Remus interrupted, his voice raw and cracked. “He knows about me, and he hates me! He hates me, and he hates James and Sirius, and he’ll tell everyone, and then I’ll have to leave, and I don’t know where I’ll go, and —”</p>
<p>All of Remus’s worst fears tumbled out of his mouth at once. He tried to control his breathing, which had grown increasingly rapid and panicked. </p>
<p>“Remus,” said Dumbledore. “Remus, stop. Severus Snape will not tell anyone.”</p>
<p>“How do you know?”</p>
<p>“Because the consequences to himself would be as grave as those he would inflict upon you.” At Remus’s look of confusion, Dumbledore went on: “Severus understands that any disclosure of what he saw in that tunnel will result in his expulsion from Hogwarts. I made my position clear, and it is not, I believe, a risk he is willing to take.”</p>
<p>Remus had looked up at the Headmaster at that, hardly daring to hope. Could they really just keep it a secret and move on? Go back to how things had been yesterday?</p>
<p>But lying there curled on the hospital bed, Remus knew they could not. Because even though Severus Snape may be forced to keep his secret, Remus would forever have to grapple with the reality of what Sirius Black had done.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>He stayed in that bed until dinner, when at last Madam Pomfrey insisted he “get a proper meal in him.” Remus reluctantly left the hospital wing, but he did not go to the Great Hall for dinner. His face was still scarred and bruised and battered. Even with Madam Pomfrey’s spells and creams, the full moon’s mark always took so long to fade. <em>Cursed wounds.</em> He didn’t want anyone to see him looking like this. He didn’t want to see anyone.</p>
<p>So instead, he wandered the halls, far away from the clatter of forks and knives and dinner-time talk, away from his classmates, and away from his friends. Craving solitude, he found an empty classroom on the first floor and tried the door. It was unlocked, and he pushed it open with a mournful creak. Rows of desks greeted him, all facing purposelessly towards the empty blackboard. He threaded his way through them to the middle of the room and sat atop a particularly battered old desk, decades of graffiti scarring its worktop.</p>
<p>He couldn’t make sense of it. Dumbledore had said that Snape had ‘overheard’ Sirius telling Peter how to get past the Whomping Willow, but that didn’t make any sense. Peter knew best of all of them how to get past, as he was the one who darted through the boughs every month to freeze the knot himself. Peter was forgetful, but not that forgetful.</p>
<p>When Remus had expressed this skepticism, he’d noticed a slight reticence in Dumbledore’s manner. When pressed, the Headmaster admitted that Snape’s story was different. Snape claimed that Sirius had told him to go prod the Whomping Willow and find out for himself what was down there. Remus wished he’d never asked. Why would Sirius do such a thing? If it were true — and Remus could tell Dumbledore thought it was true — then it was as good as attempted murder. </p>
<p>With Remus as the weapon.</p>
<p>He stood abruptly at this thought and began to pace through the line of desks, back and forth, back and forth, his mind reeling.</p>
<p>How could he do it? How <em>could</em> he? Sirius knew that Remus’s greatest fear was hurting someone. He knew what would happen if he did. And even if Sirius thought that the wolf wouldn’t have killed Snape (and how could he think that? He’d met him!), he’d essentially told Remus’s deepest, darkest, most vulnerable secret to Snape — <em>Snape!</em> —  and then stood back to watch what happened.</p>
<p>How do you cope with the knowledge your best friend is a murderer?</p>
<p>And if Remus <em>had</em> killed Snape, what then? Did Sirius think everyone would just shrug it off and go back to O.W.L.s? No, Remus would be accused — and convicted — of murder. But Sirius didn’t care, did he? He’d had his little joke. He never cared about the people he hurt!</p>
<p>People. But that was just it, wasn’t it? Remus Lupin wasn’t <em>people</em>. He was an it. A creature. A disgusting, soulless werewolf.</p>
<p><em>That’s all they’ll ever see you as,</em> whispered the beast in his head. <em>You’re just a beast. To be used and discarded.</em></p>
<p>No. Remus shook his head violently against this thought. No, that wasn’t true. They were his friends. Look at everything they’d done for him! They became Animagi for him, they —</p>
<p><em>They did it for themselves,</em> the beast spit back. <em>They did it for the thrill. What fun it was to run around with a werewolf…</em></p>
<p>No. </p>
<p>
  <em>They don’t love you. They’re amused by you.</em>
</p>
<p>“SHUT UP!” he shouted, tugging at fistfuls of his own hair. </p>
<p>
  <em>You know I’m right. No one could ever love you.</em>
</p>
<p>This thought was too much to bear, and in a sudden wave of fury, Remus flipped the desk beside him and sent it toppling sideways to the floor with a satisfying crash. This release felt so good, so primal and freeing and <em>good</em>, that he did another — and another, and another — kicking and sobbing and knocking chairs and desks about — all his years of rage and hurt and repression bursting out at once, until —</p>
<p>“Remus?”</p>
<p>He froze. </p>
<p>“Remus, are you all right?”</p>
<p>Slowly, he turned around to see Lily Evans standing in the doorway, her green eyes very wide. </p>
<p>“Hi, Lily,” he said. He knew he must look a mess, his face tear-streaked, his eyes red and puffy, his body black and blue and ribbed with scars. Her expression crumpled at the sight of him.</p>
<p>“Oh, Remus,” she said, with a sharp intake of breath. Then, before he knew what was happening, she had closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around him. He stood frozen, arms pinned to his sides, but she didn’t let go. She just kept holding him like that until eventually, like ice in a warm hand, he melted into her embrace. It was an act so strange, so foreign to him — no one but his mother had ever held him like that — and yet he hardly thought about it as he buried his face into her shoulder, his body raked with sobs.</p>
<p>“Oh,” she said. “Oh…”</p>
<p>Remus crumpled to the floor, and she sat down with him, her arm still draped over his shoulder. He curled into himself, pulling his knees to his chest, and pressed his face into the folds of his robes, suddenly embarrassed, horrified by this display of raw, uncontrolled emotion.</p>
<p>Lily didn’t say anything, and they just sat there like that in the empty classroom, the massacre of toppled desks surrounding them. Then, after enough time passed that he began to feel awkward, Remus muttered into his knees, “Sorry.”</p>
<p>“Don’t you dare apologize,” said Lily fiercely.</p>
<p>“I’m just…having a bad day.”</p>
<p>“I gathered.” She hesitated. “Is it — because of your illness?”</p>
<p>Remus jerked his head up to look at her. “What? Did Sn—I mean, did someone tell you something?”</p>
<p>“No, Remus.” Her voice was soft, soothing. “No one’s told me anything, but it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to see that you’re…not well.”</p>
<p>Remus suppressed a snort. <em>Not well.</em> There was a euphemism if ever he’d heard one.</p>
<p>“D’you want to talk about it?” asked Lily hopefully.</p>
<p>“I can’t.”</p>
<p>“Okay. Only — you know that you <em>can</em>, if you ever want to, don’t you? I mean, you can trust me.”</p>
<p>Trust. Remus couldn’t trust anyone. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. Tears had begun to leak from his eyes again, and he rubbed them furiously away with the back of his hand, shaking his head.</p>
<p>“Okay,” said Lily. “No problem. We don’t have to talk. We can just sit here for a bit, if that helps.”</p>
<p>And so they did, Lily gently stroking his back as Remus struggled to regain control of his breathing — deep, shuddering breaths intermingled with short, panicked gasps. Because what could he say? How could he possibly articulate the terror he felt, not just at facing Severus Snape, at facing his own friends, but at simply facing tomorrow? What words could he use to express the unspeakable oppression of the endless turn of time, the torturous lunar cycles to which he was forever chained? The insurmountable dread of knowing he would never, ever be free from these howling nights and haunted days…</p>
<p>“What are you doing here, anyway?” Remus said, because the silence had grown uncomfortable again, tugging him to talk. “Why aren’t you at dinner?”</p>
<p>“Oh, you know,” said Lily with a casual shrug. “Sometimes I prefer to avoid the Great Hall and just go eat in a classroom. It’s quieter.” She rummaged in her bag. “Turkey sandwich?”</p>
<p>“No, thanks.”</p>
<p>“Oh, that’s right, I forgot. You’re vegetarian.”</p>
<p><em>Yeah,</em> he thought bitterly. <em>A vegetarian werewolf who almost ate two people last night.</em></p>
<p>Lily looked around the trashed classroom. “As much as I like what you’ve done with the place, perhaps we ought to move on, before Filch shows up and starts making a fuss.”</p>
<p>“Good point,” said Remus.</p>
<p>“Although I guess we could always blame it on Peeves. D’you fancy a walk or something?”</p>
<p>Remus shook his head. “No, I should go talk to — I should get back to Gryffindor Tower. I’ve got some things to…handle.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” said Lily easily. “Sure. I’ll be around if you need anything, Remus.”</p>
<p>She squeezed his hand and headed out of the classroom with one final glance over her shoulder. A small, encouraging smile, and she was gone.</p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>There was nothing to be done for it. He had to go back to Gryffindor Tower eventually. He had to face his friends. He’d hoped to at least retreat to the privacy of his dormitory before confronting them, but as he gingerly climbed through the portrait hole, wincing from the still-sore scars, he saw them: They’d set up camp in the cluster of chairs closest to the dormitory stairs. James was talking emphatically, his glasses pitching towards the end of his nose as he leaned forward in earnest conversation. Peter was nodding along, and Sirius was slouched in his chair, arms crossed, looking sullen.</p>
<p><em>They chose that spot on purpose,</em> Remus thought, <em>so I won’t be able to slip past without them seeing me.</em> This realization made him unreasonably angry and, steeling himself, he marched right past them to the dormitory stairs.</p>
<p>“Moony!” called Sirius, but Remus didn’t stop or look back. He was not going to do this out here, in front of everyone. He was afraid he might lose his temper again — or worse, start crying.</p>
<p>He climbed the stairs hurriedly, expecting to hear the stampede of three sets of feet pursuing him, but no one came. He quickly changed into his pajamas, carefully avoiding the sight of fresh scars across his chest, and got into bed, pulling the curtains firmly shut. Maybe they wouldn’t come upstairs until later, and he could feasibly pretend to be asleep.</p>
<p><em>Coward,</em> snarled the beast in his head. <em>You’ll just have to face them in the morning.</em></p>
<p>Then the door latch clicked open, and Remus immediately tensed. With his bed curtains closed, he couldn’t see who it was, but neither did he get up to look. He felt stupid and childish, frozen there in panic.</p>
<p>“Moony?”</p>
<p>Remus winced at the nickname. He had always hated that name. Sirius thought it was funny, but Remus hated it. He didn’t want to be associated in any way with the evil moon that tormented him. But he never said anything, of course. He never complained. Moony was always a good sport.</p>
<p>The floorboards creaked as someone walked across the dormitory. Then a hand pulled back the curtains, and Remus looked up to see James standing before him, one hand on the bedpost, the other rubbing his neck uncomfortably.</p>
<p>Alone.</p>
<p>“Hi,” said James. “Can we talk?”</p>
<p>Remus gave a little half shrug that James accepted as an invitation. He settled himself cross-legged on the bed across from Remus, his smudged glasses glinting in the dormitory’s dim candlelight. There wasn’t any point trying to put him off. James was wearing that expression he had — the one where he felt he had something important to say, and so he would say it.</p>
<p>“How are you feeling?” asked James.</p>
<p>“Super,” said Remus flatly.</p>
<p>James nudged his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “I’ve been really worried about you,” he said. “We all have.”</p>
<p>“Well, sorry.”</p>
<p>There was a pause. A lesser man might’ve been put off by Remus’s short, surly responses, but if there was one thing James Potter was exceptionally good at, it was ignoring mountains of social cues and plowing on with a conversation.</p>
<p>“I know you’re upset. And you’ve got every right to be — you <em>should</em> be — but will you just hear me out?”</p>
<p>“Hear <em>you</em> out?” said Remus. “What for? You didn’t do anything wrong. From what Dumbledore told me, you’re the only reason I’m not being carted off to the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures, so you know, thanks for that.”</p>
<p>James’s stoic expression faltered, and for a brief, bitter moment Remus felt a sort of vindictive pleasure that he was able to put a crack in his friend’s ever-optimistic veneer.</p>
<p>“Sorry,” said Remus. “Was that too honest? I know you prefer to pretend I’m a person.”</p>
<p>“Don’t say that. You <em>are</em> a person.”</p>
<p>“Not to the Ministry, I’m not.”</p>
<p>“Well, the Ministry’s <em>wrong!”</em> James said this with such ferocity that Remus felt bad for his moment of spite before. “Look,” said James, “what happened last night was a terrible mistake—”</p>
<p>“Oh, come on, James,” interrupted Remus impatiently. “You don’t really buy that. It was a convenient story for Dumbledore, but you and I both know Sirius didn’t ‘accidentally’ let slip to Snape about the Whomping Willow.”</p>
<p>“I’m not saying he didn’t do it,” said James, clearly selecting his words with care. “I’m just saying he made a mistake. He wasn’t thinking about the consequences—”</p>
<p>“Obviously.”</p>
<p>“—and he’s really sorry, Remus. Sorrier than you can imagine. He’s been a wreck all day.”</p>
<p>“Is that why he’s having you apologize for him?” Remus was not in the mood to feel sorry for Sirius.</p>
<p>“That’s not what I’m — no.” James shook his head fiercely. “No, he wanted to come up here straight away, but I thought maybe I should talk to you first.”</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>“Because there’s stuff he won’t tell you.”</p>
<p>Remus said nothing, but waited for James to continue. James sighed, took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. Then he replaced the glasses and looked up at Remus, his expression somber.</p>
<p>“A couple of weeks ago, after the Quidditch match, a group of Slytherins jumped Sirius.”</p>
<p>“What?” said Remus, taken aback. Whatever he’d expected James to weave into an apology on Sirius’s behalf, it was not that.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” said James, nodding solemnly. “It was punishment — for daring to disown his family, for being a blood traitor. They lured him down to the dungeons with a fake letter from his brother, claiming that he needed help. Well, you know how Sirius is with his brother.”</p>
<p>Remus did not know. He had never understood the dynamic between the Black brothers, and he’d never asked. </p>
<p>“When he got there,” continued James, “he was disarmed and ambushed. It was a whole group of his cousins — and you know, wanna-be Death Eaters. Lestrange, Avery, Rosier, Mulciber, and —”</p>
<p>“Snape,” finished Remus.</p>
<p>“Snape,” agreed James. “He was the one who disarmed him. And then they hexed the shit out of him, Remus. They nearly broke his ribs, they burned him, they—” James had to stop for a moment to compose himself. “I’ve never seen anything like it. It was…sadistic. He practically had to crawl back to the dormitory. He only made it because he transformed into Padfoot.”</p>
<p>“How did I not know about this?” demanded Remus, staring at James in horror.</p>
<p>James rubbed his neck uncomfortably. “You were asleep when it happened. Pete and I were in the common room when he got back. Sirius refused to go to the hospital wing, said that’s what they wanted, for people to find out and make an example of him. So he asked me to heal him up, and then he made us swear we’d never talk about it ever again. So…we didn’t.”</p>
<p>“You should’ve told <em>me</em>.”</p>
<p>“I know,” said James. “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“So…what?” Remus was struggling to process all this. “Sending Snape to be murdered by a werewolf was supposed to be payback? That’s his excuse? Is that supposed to make me feel better? Is that supposed to make it all okay? It doesn’t!”</p>
<p>“No, of course not. I’m just trying to explain why — it’s just — he lost his cool. You know how Sirius is. He doesn’t think things through, he just reacts. It’s what makes him an excellent dueler, but a shit strategist. Snape was following him again, and Sirius was so angry and upset, he just…snapped.”</p>
<p>“Snapped? He didn’t lose his temper, he told Snape — <em>Snape!</em> — how to get past the Whomping Willow!” Remus felt himself grow angrier. He couldn’t believe James was defending this, that James was taking Sirius’s side, after what he did. “He told him to go down there! <em>On the full moon!</em> He as good as told him I’m a werewolf! He as good as <em>killed</em> him!”</p>
<p>“He didn’t think Snape would actually follow through with it.”</p>
<p>“THAT’S BULLSHIT, JAMES, AND YOU KNOW IT!”</p>
<p>James looked away, eyes skirting to the carpet, and for the briefest of moments, a flicker of shame passed over his features. He did know it, Remus suddenly realized. He knew, at least on some level, that Sirius had just done something dark, and horrible, and…and <em>murderous</em>. Something unforgivable…and yet, he’d decided to forgive him. </p>
<p><em>He’ll always choose Sirius over you,</em> whispered the beast. <em>You should just be grateful you rate at all.</em></p>
<p>“Look,” said James after a moment, lifting his gaze back to Remus. “I know what he did was really awful. I do. But I don’t think he meant to actually hurt Snape — or you. He just…he messed up, Remus. And he knows it. He feels awful.”</p>
<p><em>Ah</em>, thought Remus. So this was how James was going to talk himself through what had happened. He’d convince himself that Sirius hadn’t meant it at all, that his friend certainly wasn’t capable of murder, that it had all been one silly mistake, one careless moment. This was how he’d carry on, how he’d keep himself from the dangerous occupation of introspection. Remus was envious.</p>
<p>But James had always had a rather black-and-white view of the world. He trusted his friends and loathed his enemies. Remus couldn’t complain too much, as he himself had benefited enormously from this trait. Remus was James’s friend; therefore the fact that he was a werewolf didn’t matter. He was good. Sirius was James’s friend; therefore a minor display of homicidal tendencies didn’t matter. He was good.</p>
<p>“Remus?” James had been watching him closely. Remus opened his mouth to speak, not even sure what he was going to say, but then the dormitory door opened again, and Sirius entered.</p>
<p>He looked worse than Remus had realized when he’d marched past him in the common room. Dark shadows hung under his eyes; he slouched over with hands shoved into pockets. “Can I join the parley?” he asked, and his voice sounded raw beneath the swagger.</p>
<p>James, to his credit, looked to Remus for approval. Remus nodded — what else could he do? — and Sirius perched on the bed across from his own. “I’m really sorry, Remus,” he said. “I’m really fucking sorry.”</p>
<p>Remus couldn’t bring himself to speak, and he didn’t want to look Sirius in the eye — he’d be lost if he looked him in the eye — so he just sat there, staring at his knees, arms crossed tightly to his chest.</p>
<p>“I never meant to hurt you or get you in trouble,” Sirius went on, a touch of desperation in his voice. “I swear it. I fucked up. I know I did, and I’m sorry. I’m really—”</p>
<p>“Okay,” said Remus, because he couldn’t bear it anymore.</p>
<p>“Okay?” said Sirius.</p>
<p>Remus looked up at James, and then he turned his gaze to Sirius. He knew he’d forgive them, whatever forgiveness meant. What choice did he have? They were his friends, the only friends he’d ever known or ever would. He’d forgive them anything. Even this. But as he looked up into the storm of Sirius’s grey eyes, three painful words burned in the back of his throat: <em>I trusted you.</em></p>
<p>But he didn’t say that. Eyes darting back to bedsheets, Remus simply said: “It’s fine.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>👀</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0049"><h2>49. Eye for an Eye</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  
</p>
<h1>LILY</h1>
<hr/>
<h2>Eye for an Eye</h2><p>It was an undeniable fact of life that the most gorgeous of days — the sort full of bright sunshine and soft breezes, cloudless skies, and joyful birdsong — only came around when one was required to be indoors. So it was on this afternoon in May, as Lily Evans gazed wistfully out the window of her History of Magic lecture, longing for freedom.</p><p>When the bell at last rang, Lily jumped up with the rest of the class and followed the throng of students streaming out into the courtyard to soak up as much sun as they could between classes. A few steps ahead, she caught a glimpse of Mary, jogging to catch up with a group of fourth year girls. Lily watched her sadly. They still hadn’t reconciled, and it seemed increasingly unlikely they ever would. It was stupid, but at this point, both girls were so entrenched in their grudge that neither wanted to be the first to apologize. They were both too stubborn, too proud.</p><p>Mary was in high spirits today, giggling with the other girls, talking enthusiastically about something Lily couldn’t hear. Just as they entered the courtyard, Mary waved her hand to make some emphatic point and in doing so accidentally bumped into a Slytherin. As the student turned to glare at her, Lily saw with some trepidation that it was Corin Mulciber. </p><p>“Watch where you're going, half-breed,” he sneered. </p><p>Mary merely pulled a face at him and continued on.</p><p>Lily hadn’t even realized how tight a grip she’d had on her wand until Mulciber walked away. Flexing her fingers slightly, she took a seat in the courtyard and pulled out a stack of notes to study, but she wasn’t really focused on them. Instead, she found herself half-watching Mary laughing with her new friends and half-watching James Potter and Sirius Black toss a Quaffle a few feet away. Rumors were flying around the school again, and for once, Lily was not the subject of them. Instead, everyone was whispering about James Potter and Severus Snape.</p><p>As with most of Hogwarts’ hottest gossip, the details were nebulous and ever-changing, but the general consensus seemed to be that Severus had tried to get past the Whomping Willow and nearly got himself killed in the process. </p><p>“Remember what happened to Davey Gudgeon when he tried?” </p><p>But Severus, the students whispered, made it farther than Davey Gudgeon. In fact, he made it as far as a low tunnel beneath the tree, but there was something down there — no one knew what, but there was definitely <em>something</em> — and the only reason he made it out alive was because James Potter went in after him and saved his life.</p><p>“Maybe it was an Acromantula,” mused one boy during dinner. “I’ve heard they live in the forest.”</p><p>“Or a dementor!” squeaked a third year, looking terrified at the prospect.</p><p>“D’you think Potter can produce a Patronus?” asked another.</p><p>James, for his part, was steadfastly denying the rumors. “Honestly,” she’d heard him say loudly at breakfast the other morning. “Where do people come up with this nonsense? First I’m supposed to be snogging Evans on the sly, and now I’ve saved Snape’s life? I wouldn’t touch old Snivellus if it meant saving my <em>own</em> life.”</p><p>Lily knew better than to believe everything she heard at this school, and she would have been perfectly comfortable dismissing the whole tale as typical Hogwarts hyperbole had it not been for two specific details she had personally witnessed.</p><p>The first was the sight of James Potter racing out of the common room, nearly knocking her over as he pushed past her, a look of pure terror on his face.</p><p>The second was Remus Lupin tearing up a classroom the following day. No one else knew about that, of course. She hadn’t told a soul. And there was no reason for anyone else to connect the beaten-up, broken-down, sobbing boy with the story of James Potter and Severus Snape, except…</p><p>“SOMEBODY HELP!”</p><p>Lily turned sharply at the cry. It was one of the fourth year girls. They were huddled around something on the ground; the very air around them felt charged with emergency. Lily leapt up at once and dashed over, arriving at the same time as Sirius and James, who still had a Quaffle clutched under his arm. As she pushed through the crowd, Lily saw Mary curled on the ground, sobbing and clutching at her eyes.</p><p>“I can’t see!” she wailed. “It burns and I can’t see!”</p><p>To Lily’s surprise, it was Sirius who jumped into action. He whipped out his wand and muttered an incantation that Lily didn’t recognize.</p><p>“I’m going to get Professor McGonagall!” announced one of the fourth year girls, taking off at a run.</p><p>Sirius ignored her, continuing his spell. Lily turned to James. “What’s he doing?” she demanded.</p><p>“Give him a minute,” muttered James.</p><p>Not knowing what else to do, Lily knelt down beside Mary and stroked her hair, whispering words of comfort as tears streamed down her friend’s cheek. Sirius muttered his incantation until at last Mary fell still, eyes squeezed shut. </p><p>“We should get her to the hospital wing,” said Sirius, and slipping his arms under Mary’s neck and knees, he scooped her up off the ground.</p><p>“I’ve stopped the spread of the curse, but I don’t know how much damage it’s already done. Come on.”</p><p>“Out of the way,” announced James, pushing the crowd of gaping onlookers aside. “Go on, get moving.”</p><p>Sirius pressed forward with Mary, and Lily scurried along after him back into the castle and towards the hospital wing. </p><p>“No, through here, it’s faster,” said James, directing them through a little door behind a portrait that Lily had never noticed before.</p><p>“What did you do back there?” Lily asked, struggling to keep up with the boys’ long-legged strides. “How did you make it stop?”</p><p>“A slightly more complex version of ‘Finite incantatum,’" said Sirius.</p><p>“How’d you know it would work?”</p><p>“I didn’t, but I had a strong suspicion.” Sirius grunted slightly as he shifted Mary’s weight in his arms. Then, as an aside to James, he added grimly: “When you grow up with cousins who like to practice dark spells on you, you learn a trick or two.”</p><p>Lily stared at the back of his head in surprise. Of course, she’d heard terrible things about the Black family, but it had never really occurred to her that it might also be terrible for Sirius. She suddenly found herself thinking again of that photo she’d spotted in the <em>Daily Prophet</em> society pages, the one taken at some posh party with Abraxas Malfoy. She had interpreted Sirius’s sullen expression as an arrogant, dismissive look, the sort she’d seen him toss about school so often, but maybe it was something else. Something more like misery. The thought gave her pause.</p><p>She didn’t have time to ruminate on it much longer, however, for James’s shortcut delivered them directly to the hospital wing and into a bustle of activity. Madam Pomfrey listened to their sparsely detailed account of the curse and set to work at once. </p><p>As James and Sirius helped lower Mary onto a hospital bed, Lily heard Madam Pomfrey mutter, “It’s one crisis after another with you boys, isn’t it?”</p><p>“We were just nearby,” replied James. “That’s all.”</p><p>Professor McGonagall bustled in shortly after that, accompanied by Professor Dearborn. With one swift glance at the three students hovering by the door, he marched over to Madam Pomfrey. The two of them bent their heads over the pale, whimpering Mary, murmuring words Lily couldn’t catch, and then Professor Dearborn began to work a spell.</p><p>Lily watched this procedure anxiously. Mary looked so small and fragile, trembling as Professor Dearborn’s wand twitched above her…until suddenly she let out a shrill, horrible cry and convulsed violently.</p><p>Lily buried a sob into her hand. At this, Professor McGonagall seemed to remember that the three students were still there, and she hustled them out into the corridor, insisting she’d be with them shortly.</p><p>Mary’s cries still echoed into the hallway as Lily slid to the floor against the stone wall, her face in her hands. James sat down next to her.</p><p>“She’s going to be okay,” he said.</p><p>Lily looked up at him through her fingers. “She doesn’t sound okay.”</p><p>“That’s because Dearborn’s extracting Dark Magic,” said Sirius, who was now pacing the corridor with his arms tightly crossed. “Whatever that curse was, it was definitely Dark Magic. It can be hard to get it all out.” James shot him a look and Sirius quickly added, “But Dearborn’s clearly doing a good job — that’s why she shouted. It’s not pretty but it means it’s working.”</p><p>“She’s going to be fine,” said James firmly. “Dearborn’s the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, isn’t he? He knows what he’s doing.”</p><p>Eventually, Mary’s cries subsided and Professor McGonagall reappeared, looking weary. Lily jumped to her feet. “Is she okay?”</p><p>“She will be,” said McGonagall. “There may be some minor damage to her vision, but nothing a pair of glasses won’t fix. Now, Veronica Smethley has told me her version of events, but I’d like to hear what happened from you three.”</p><p>It took Lily a moment to realize Veronica Smethley must have been the fourth year girl who’d run off to get McGonagall.</p><p>“Sirius and I were in the courtyard,” said James, “and we heard someone shout for help, so we ran over, and Mary was on the ground screaming about how she couldn’t see. She’d obviously been cursed, but we didn’t see who did it.”</p><p>“It was Mulciber,” said Lily, and James, Sirius, and Professor McGonagall all turned to look at her in surprise.</p><p>“You saw him cast the spell?” asked McGonagall sharply.</p><p>“No, but I saw Mary bump into him just before, and he called her a slur and told her to watch where she was going…and then a few moments later she goes blind? That’s not a coincidence, Professor. I know it was him.”</p><p>Professor McGonagall was quiet for a moment. “That is a very serious accusation, Miss Evans.”</p><p>“It’s true. I <em>know</em> he did it.”</p><p>“Did either of you see him nearby?” Professor McGonagall asked James and Sirius.</p><p>James hesitated. “No,” he admitted, “but it doesn’t seem out of character.”</p><p>“I’m afraid that’s not good enough,” sighed McGonagall. “We will investigate his wand to see if it shows traces of the spell, but if it doesn’t…well, we can’t punish someone purely on hearsay.” Another sigh. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to go owl the Macdonalds.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Madam Pomfrey allowed Lily to stay with Mary in the hospital wing, even though her friend remained unconscious. Lily took a seat beside the bed where she lay and felt ill. She should’ve been there. She should’ve apologized ages ago, gotten over herself and her pointless pride, and maybe she could’ve stopped it, maybe it wouldn’t have happened at all, or maybe —</p><p>“What are you doing here?”</p><p>Lily turned to see Veronica Smethley, the fourth year girl who’d gone for McGonagall, enter the hospital wing holding a small vase of daisies. She was a pretty girl with a cloud of black curls and, presently, a scowl.</p><p>Lily offered a welcoming smile. “Veronica, isn’t it?” </p><p>Veronica did not return the smile. Instead, she placed her vase of flowers on the bedside table, taking a moment to fuss over the arrangement. Then she finally she turned to face Lily and said, “You’ve got a lot of nerve, coming here.”</p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p>“Your Slytherin friends cursed Mary, and you have the gall to come weep at her bedside?”</p><p>“I’m not friends with them,” said Lily, insulted.</p><p>“Really? Because last I heard you and Severus Snape were best pals.”</p><p>Lily blinked. “He had nothing to do with this.”</p><p>Veronica made a disparaging noise. “No? Then why don’t you ask him about what his mates get up to?” And with a last disdainful look at Lily, she strode out of the hospital wing.</p><p>Lily somehow felt even worse than before. She was going to have to talk to Severus. She knew he hadn’t cursed Mary, but if he was still hanging around the likes of Mulciber after this…</p><p>Her troubled thoughts were interrupted, however, by the sound of shouting outside the hospital wing doors.</p><p>“I WANT TO SEE THE HEADMASTER.”</p><p>“I’ve told you,” came Professor McGonagall’s voice, “Professor Dumbledore is away on business, but—”</p><p>“HE’S NOT HERE?”</p><p>“The Headmaster is a very busy man, Mr. Macdonald. Now if you’ll please just—”</p><p>“MY DAUGHTER’S BEEN ATTACKED, AND HE’S NOT EVEN HERE?”</p><p>Madam Pomfrey came bustling out of her office looking quite cross. “Honestly!” she said, and she pushed through the hospital wing doors to join the fray in the corridor. A few moments later, Professor McGonagall appeared looking distinctly ruffled, a fuming Mr. Macdonald by her side. Lily had only met her friend’s father once, but he had seemed a friendly, mild-mannered man.</p><p>“You’ll have to come back tomorrow,” Professor McGonagall told Lily shortly. “Mr. Macdonald is here, and he would like some time alone with his daughter.”</p><p>Lily quickly gathered her belongings to leave while Mr. Macdonald sat down in her recently vacated chair next to Mary’s bed. He took his unconscious daughter’s hand and stroked it gently. All the fight and fury seemed to have left him, and he looked simply deflated and sad.</p><p>He turned to Lily. “You’re one of Mary’s friends?”</p><p>“Yes,” said Lily. “We’ve met briefly before. Lily Evans?”</p><p>Recognition flashed across the man’s face, and for a moment Lily worried Mary had told him they were fighting, but he merely said, “Of course, of course. Mary’s talked about you for years. My apologies, I didn’t recognize you. You’re Muggle-born, isn’t that right?”</p><p>It was the sort of question that from someone else would be offensive, threatening even, but Lily knew that Mr. Macdonald was Muggle-born himself.</p><p>“Yes,” she said.</p><p>He nodded slowly, his gaze drifting back to his daughter. “Then watch your back, girl,” he said. “God knows no one in this school will ever do it for you.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Lily returned to Gryffindor Tower and dropped herself heavily into an armchair. As though they’d been waiting for her, James and Sirius crossed the common room.</p><p>“Here,” said James, tossing her a little parcel wrapped in paper. “Nicked you a sandwich from the kitchens, since you missed dinner.”</p><p>“Thanks,” said Lily, taken aback by this act of genuine thoughtfulness. </p><p>“How’s Mary?” asked Sirius.</p><p>“Still unconscious,” said Lily, “but Madam Pomfrey says she’ll be okay. Her dad’s there now. He’s really upset.”</p><p>“No kidding,” said Sirius.</p><p>Lily unwrapped her sandwich. “Any news on Mulciber?” she asked through a mouthful. She hadn’t even realized how hungry she was.</p><p>Sirius scoffed. “Slughorn had him hand over his wand for examination, but they won’t find anything. Mulciber will have scrubbed it, or used someone else’s wand altogether. He’s a nasty little creep, but he’s not an idiot.”</p><p>Lily shook her head in disbelief. “So he gets away with it? Mary gets nearly blinded, and no one gets punished?” The unfairness of it all was excruciating.</p><p>“The Slytherins are getting of control, mate,” said James quietly. This, it seemed, was directed at Sirius, whose own expression had grown even darker. “They keep pulling stunts like this — hurting people — but they do it from the shadows so they don’t get caught. And then there are no consequences, so they do it again.”</p><p>“There’s no justice in this horrible school,” said Lily bitterly.</p><p>James and Sirius exchanged a look. Lily had seen this specific look pass between them before, and it rarely meant good things to come.</p><p>“The thing about justice,” James mused, scratching his chin in a philosophical sort of way, “is that sometimes it has to be...what’s the word? Vigilante.” He turned back to Sirius. “Personally, I think it’s far past time to introduce Mulciber to the concept of a consequence.”</p><p>“I would be delighted to help him make its acquaintance,” agreed Sirius.</p><p>Lily regarded them warily. “What are you going to do?”</p><p>James smiled. “Just a little Tuesday night vigilante justice. Don’t worry about it.”</p><p>“Yeah,” agreed Sirius. “Don’t worry, Evans. Mary is one of ours. No one curses a Gryffindor and gets away with it.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Lily did not sleep well that night. She rose early the next morning and, tired of lying listlessly in bed, she decided to go see Mary in the hospital wing before breakfast. </p><p>The castle was quiet as she slipped through the corridors, but as she turned a corner just a few short steps away from Gryffindor Tower, she heard a muffled noise and came across a most peculiar sight: Spellotaped to the cold, stone wall and dressed in nothing but his underpants and one lonely sock was Corin Mulciber. The other sock appeared to be stuffed in his mouth with Spellotape over that, too. The word “SNAKE” had been written on his bare, hairless chest. He must have been stuck there all night.</p><p>Struggling pointlessly against the Spellotape prison, Mulciber’s eyes narrowed as he registered Lily’s approach. Lily stared coolly back. This must be Black and Potter’s idea of ‘vigilante justice.’ Well, it would certainly make a point. They’d clearly chosen the location for their trophy intentionally: He was taped up in a corridor of the castle that would receive the most traffic (and an appreciative audience) as the Gryffindors plodded their way to breakfast in the morning. Mulciber would not live this down for a very long time.</p><p>Lily hesitated, feeling the faint stirrings of sympathy. This was not justice; it was just more cruelty. After a moment of consideration, she pulled out her wand, then reached up and ripped the Spellotape off his mouth and removed the sock. She waited politely as Mulciber let out a few gagging, spitting noises, then she said, “Apologize and I’ll let you down.”</p><p>Despite his current predicament, Mulciber had the gall to give her an exceedingly arrogant look. “Apologize for what, Mudblood?” he said, as though he wasn’t currently taped to the wall in naught but his pants.</p><p>“For cursing Mary Macdonald,” said Lily coldly. “Come on, we both know you did it.”</p><p>“I don’t even know who ‘Mary Macdonald’ is.”</p><p>“The girl you nearly blinded yesterday?”</p><p>“Oh,” said Mulciber. “Was that its name? You can’t expect me to learn the name of every vermin in this sch—”</p><p>But he didn’t get to finish that sentence because Lily, in a wave of vindictive fury, stuffed the sock back in his mouth and jammed the Spellotape over top it, her inconvenient bout of sympathy effectively squashed.</p><p>“Have it your way,” she said, and with a brisk nod, she left him.</p><p>When she arrived at the infirmary, the doors were already propped open, sunlight cascading through the tall, arched windows. Mary was awake and sipping a cup of tea. She looked perfectly well, except that she was sporting a new pair of thick-rimmed glasses.</p><p>Lily paused, dithering over whether she had any right to be there, Veronica Smethley’s words gnawing at her conscience. Technically, she and Mary still hadn’t spoken since their fight. What if she wasn’t welcome? But then Mary looked up and saw her hovering by the door. She gave a small wave, and Lily exhaled in relief as she crossed the room.</p><p>“Hi,” said Lily.</p><p>“Hi,” said Mary.</p><p>They both stared at each other, floundering for words, then all at once they burst forth in unison: “I’m so sorry!”</p><p>“I should’ve been there,” Lily told her tearfully a few moments later, as she sat curled up on the edge of her friend’s hospital bed. “I should’ve apologized ages ago, and then I would’ve been with you, when—”</p><p>“That wouldn’t have made a difference,” said Mary.</p><p>“It might have!” Lily sniffed. “You were right, you know. Everything you said before. I’m a bad friend. I took you for granted, and I’m —”</p><p>“Lily, stop.” Mary squeezed her hand. “You’re not a bad friend. I was just jealous.”</p><p>“Of what?”</p><p>“I dunno,” Mary shrugged. “Of all the attention you were getting.”</p><p>“You want people writing nasty things about you in the loo?”</p><p>“At least people know who you are,” said Mary. “I’ve only ever been ‘Lily Evans’ friend, no not the Slytherin one.’ And then suddenly you started getting invited to Slug Club parties and dating seventh year Quidditch stars, and…then I wasn’t even <em>that</em> anymore. I’m a total nobody at this school.”</p><p>“That’s not true.”</p><p>“Sure it is,” said Mary. “The most attention I ever got was when Mulciber cursed me.” She let a humorless laugh. “It’s actually rather funny. It took being nearly blinded for people to actually see me. Face it, if I left school tomorrow, no one would even miss me.”</p><p>“I would!”</p><p>Mary avoided Lily’s gaze, staring instead into her teacup. “They’re pulling me out.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“My parents,” said Mary miserably. “They’re pulling me out of school.”</p><p>Lily gawked at her in horror. “They can’t do that!”</p><p>“Of course they can. They’re my parents. Dad’s meeting with the Headmaster now. I think Dumbledore’s trying to talk him out of it, but Dad’s determined.” Mary sighed and placed her teacup on the table beside the bed, next to Veronica Smethley’s vase of daisies. A few of the petals had gone brown and curled over night. “Dad’s been threatening to do it all year,” said Mary, looking up at Lily at last. “We had big row over Christmas about it. Mulciber’s little joke was the last straw. I convinced Dad to let me finish the term, take my exams…but then it’s off to America.”</p><p>
  <em>“What?”</em>
</p><p>“I have cousins in Boston,” explained Mary.</p><p>“I don’t understand,” said Lily. “Why…?”</p><p>“Dad says he’s seen all this before. The laws and attacks and everything. He says it’s just like Germany before the war.” Mary hugged her knees. “I don’t know, maybe he’s right. I mean, things have gotten so much worse, haven’t they? And if they do pass those laws, he could lose his job. So why stay?”</p><p>Lily wanted to offer assurances that the Wizard Protection Laws would never pass, that everything would be fine…but she couldn’t bring herself to utter the same hollow words that had brought no comfort when others offered them to her. And besides, Mr. Macdonald had been a Muggle-born in this world much longer than Lily had. If he thought things were that bad, who was she to argue?</p><p>
  <em>Watch your back, girl. God knows no one in this school will ever do it for you.</em>
</p><p>“Boston,” said Lily, because she couldn’t think of anything else to say.</p><p>“Yeah,” agreed Mary. “Boston. But if he really makes me go,” she added with a touch of spite, I think I’m going to run away and become a hippie in California.”</p><p>Lily let out a choke of a laugh. “You’d make a great hippie.”</p><p>“Wouldn’t I? Or better yet — maybe I’ll become a super groupie and just roam around the country following Mick Jagger.”</p><p>“Sounds marvelous. Can I come?” </p><p>“Maybe you should,” said Mary seriously. “The way things in this country are going…the way things in this <em>school</em> are going. You know Mulciber’s not even getting punished for what he did to me?”</p><p>“I wouldn’t say that,” said Lily. At Mary’s quizzical look, Lily explained about the conversation she’d had with Black and Potter, their little bout of ‘vigilante justice,’ and the squirming, Spellotaped sixth year Lily had encountered on her way here.</p><p>Mary's eyes widened, her demeanor brightening with every detail Lily shared. “They did that for me?”</p><p>“Yeah,” said Lily, and because she knew it would make Mary happy, she added, “’She’s one of ours,’ that’s what Black said.”</p><p>Mary beamed, and then abruptly fell back against her pillows with a moan. “Life is so unfair!”</p><p>“…Why?”</p><p>“I cannot believe that <em>Sirius Black</em> carried me all the way from the courtyard to the hospital wing, and I was <em>blind</em> for it.”</p><p>“Oh please, Mary, not you too! You cannot fancy Sirius Black.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>“Well, for one thing, he called you ‘Mary, Queen of Swots’ for nearly two years.”</p><p>“At least he knew who I was,” grinned Mary. “Besides, it was clever.”</p><p>“It was obnoxious! Come on, Mary, you’re better than Black.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, I can’t help that he has rockstar good looks. I’m only human, Lily!”</p><p>And to both girls’ relief, they were laughing again. The looming threat of Death Eaters, and Wizard Protection Laws, and Slytherins who got away with Dark Magic faded into the ether, and they were nothing more than sixteen-year-old girls again, giggling over boys. </p><p>“That reminds me,” said Mary. “Have you heard all the rumors about Potter and — and the Whomping Willow?” Lily noticed how Mary had carefully refrained from naming Severus. Still a sore subject, then.</p><p>“Yeah,” Lily admitted. “I have.”</p><p>“Well,” Mary leaned forward slightly, her eyes glistening earnestly behind the thick spectacles, “I couldn’t sleep last night, and there’s this chatty old portrait, Matron Mabel.” She nodded at an empty frame on the wall. “She’s never here during the day, because she’s out collecting gossip, I suspect, but <em>she</em> told me that it’s all true.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Apparently Snape was brought into the hospital wing really late on Thursday night, all dirty and bruised, and Madam Pomfrey was <em>furious</em> with him, kept saying, ‘If Potter hadn’t gone after you, you’d be dead.’”</p><p>“Wow,” said Lily. </p><p>“Yeah,” agreed Mary. “But Mabel wouldn’t say what was down in the tunnel. She acted like it was a big secret, but I don’t think she actually knows…doesn’t seem like <em>anyone</em> knows…”</p><p>But as Lily sat there, listening to her friend enthusiastically rehash the details of the week’s greatest gossip, she found herself reflecting once more on the battered boy who had wept into her shoulder. No one knew what was hidden down beneath the Whomping Willow…but Lily was beginning to suspect she might.</p>
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<a name="section0050"><h2>50. The Quidditch Cup</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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</p><h1>JAMES</h1><hr/><h2>The Quidditch Cup</h2><p>The Spellotape Incident, as Gryffindors had already begun to refer to it, would go down in the books as one of the Marauders’ greatest triumphs. Though Professor McGonagall had cut Mulciber down immediately upon discovering him taped up in the corridor, she was too late to stop the majority of Gryffindors from enjoying the spectacle. A few of the bolder students had even taken photographs, and they floated around the school from hand to hand, snapshots of students grinning with thumbs up in front of the furious, nearly-naked Corin Mulciber.</p><p>When threatened with detention by a fuming Professor McGonagall, James and Sirius had naturally denied everything, going so far as to offer up their wands for examination. The wands had, of course, been carefully scrubbed, and there was nothing incriminating to find.</p><p>“You can’t punish someone purely on hearsay, Professor,” complained Sirius. “Otherwise Mulciber would’ve already been expelled.”</p><p>Though James suspected this comment may have caused Professor McGonagall a minor aneurism or two, the boys escaped unscathed, which only added to their acclaim among their fellow students.</p><p>However, this little act of vigilante justice had unleashed a torrent of inter-house feuding. Relations between Gryffindor and Slytherin had never been worse. In fact, they had escalated to something resembling all out war. More than one Slytherin had tried (and failed) to curse James over the past week, while James himself had hexed at least five.</p><p>While it was true he now had to be on constant alert when strolling the halls, James felt the effort was worth it. He believed, more than ever, that the entirety of Slytherin House was guilty of every unpleasantness that had manifested this term. It was hugely satisfying to get payback on the bastards who had, among their many crimes, beaten up his best friend, attempted to out his other friend as a werewolf, and nearly blinded poor Mary Macdonald, who had surely never done a thing to anyone.</p><p>Mary had recovered, though her eyesight had not. The Dark Magic of Mulciber’s curse had permanently damaged her vision; she returned to the common room the following evening sporting a pair of thick, round spectacles of which she was clearly self-conscious.</p><p>“I look like an owl,” he’d overheard her moaning to Lily.</p><p>“Nonsense,” James had assured her as he’d passed by. “Everyone knows that glasses make a person look distinguished and impossibly attractive.”</p><p>Mary had laughed and, to his utter delight, so had Lily.</p><p>Of course, Mary <em>did</em> rather look like an owl, but he wasn’t going to say it, and as far as he was concerned no one else was allowed to either. Which was why, when on his way to Muggle Studies a few days later, James heard a Ravenclaw boy he didn’t know making fun of Mary’s new spectacles, he hexed him.</p><p>Unfortunately, Lily saw this, and she was none too pleased.</p><p>“What did you do that for?” she demanded, marching over with her hands on her hips in full prefect mode.</p><p>“He annoyed me,” said James with a blithe shrug. He couldn’t help but grin at the look of indignation on her face. “Relax, Evans. His skin will turn back to normal in no time.”</p><p>“You can’t just hex people because they annoy you!”</p><p>“Sure I can. Why else would I hex them?”</p><p>“You shouldn’t hex them at all!”</p><p>James laughed. “Consider me properly chastised. Here, I’ll walk to you to class.”</p><p>Ever since the attack on Mary and the ensuing house wars that followed, the Gryffindors had made it a point not to let their Muggle-born classmates walk alone, a duty James was only too happy to undertake. Lily, on the other hand, seemed less thrilled by this display of chivalry.</p><p>“Oh, stop it,” she snapped. “I don’t need you following me around like some sort of bodyguard. I can take care of myself.”</p><p>“I know that,” said James earnestly. “I still remember you kicking Sirius’s arse in Defense — it’s a cherished memory, to tell you the truth — but just because you <em>can</em> take care of yourself doesn’t mean you should always have to.”</p><p>Lily frowned at this, a slightly perplexed, thoughtful expression on her face, and when she failed to produce a compelling counter-argument, he said cheerfully, “You’re headed to Ancient Runes, right?”</p><p>She let out an exasperated groan and marched ahead.</p><p>“So,” James caught up to her with easy strides, “are you coming to the Quidditch match tomorrow?”</p><p>“I expect so,” was Lily’s terse reply.</p><p>“Want to be my date to the victory party?”</p><p>A sigh. “This again?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>Lily merely rolled her eyes. “That confident of a win, are you?”</p><p>“Those Ravenswots don’t stand a chance.”</p><p>“I don’t know,” said Lily with a trace of bitterness. “I hear their Seeker’s pretty good.”</p><p>They had reached the Ancient Runes classroom. James leaned an arm casually across the doorway, blocking it just enough that she’d have to duck to get past him. He grinned down at her, foolish hope in his heart. He hadn’t asked her out in ages. It couldn’t hurt to try again, could it? “Come on, Evans. Say you’ll be my date if we win. If you do, I won’t dare lose the match.”</p><p>She considered him, her arms crossed and — was he imagining it? — with just the faintest trace of amusement on her face. For a moment, just a moment, he thought she was going to agree…but then she said, “Well, I would, but then I’d have to root for Ravenclaw, and I really <em>don’t</em> want them to win.” And with a sarcastic little smile, she pushed past his arm into the classroom and left James standing alone in the corridor.</p><p>He sighed. Okay, that wasn’t exactly a victory, but he was making progress, he thought. Perhaps it was only what Remus would call his ‘infernal optimism,’ but he thought he’d detected a slight change in her attitude towards him after the whole Mulciber affair. His hopeful gaze lingered as she weaved through the desks towards a seat at the front. And then he saw him: Severus Snape was glaring at James through a curtain of greasy, black hair, as though he’d been watching the whole exchange. James’s expression darkened considerably, and he glared back with such fury that his enemy’s face flushed pink. James turned away, his good mood gone.</p><p>He arrived late to Muggle Studies, skirting in the back and taking a seat by Sirius, who looked up from the diagram of a Muggle toaster that he was dutifully labeling. “All right? I was afraid you might’ve been jumped on the way here.”</p><p>“Nah,” said James. “Just making sure Evans got to class safely. Can’t be too careful these days.”</p><p>“Ah,” said Sirius. “Of course.”</p><p>James could not focus on his own toaster and instead festered all class on the memory of Snape’s glare. The wounds of the last full moon were still fresh, and seeing that greasy git brought them all to the forefront of James’s mind. Lately, matters with his friends felt uncertain and strained. Though Remus had said everything was fine, he wasn’t acting like it. He was quiet, withdrawn, rarely speaking up in class or at meals, never giving anything more than a taut smile in response to James’s many jokes. On top of all that, Remus seemed to be spending a suspicious amount of time “in the library,” and though he claimed this was due to O.W.L.s, James suspected it was to avoid Sirius.</p><p>Sirius, on the other hand, was still angry, marching through the corridors like a tightly-wound spring just waiting to snap. James felt the war with the Slytherins was an appropriate outlet for this rage, seeing as the opposing side was very much deserving of Sirius’s wrath — unlike poor Peter, who seemed to get rather a lot of it lately. But James knew his friend very well, and in quieter moments when it was just the two of them, he thought he detected a layer of something like despair beneath the rampage. This revelation thoroughly unsettled him.</p><p>Neither Remus nor Sirius spoke to the other much anymore, but rather they communicated through Peter or James, who was growing tired of it. Sirius had fucked up enormously, it was true — he’d admitted as much — but they couldn’t let one mistake destroy years of friendship. Not after everything they’d been through. After everything they’d <em>done</em>. Still, James increasingly felt as though he was the single thread holding the tattered fabric of their friendship together, and he didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t know if there was anything he <em>could</em> do. And there was nothing in the world that James Potter hated more than not being able to do something.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>What he <em>could</em> do, however, was win the Quidditch Cup for Gryffindor. James was not quite sure how exactly this would help matters with his friends, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt. The team had been practicing nearly every night; Montgomery had developed a number of new formations of which he was quite proud, and they spent evenings running drills and rehashing strategy. James knew they were at the top of their game, but that didn’t stop his nerves from parading around his gut like an ill-advised conga line.</p><p>On the morning of the big match, a brow of fog hung over the pitch as the team filed out onto the field. Today they would face the Ravenclaws, who had beaten them in the final last year. James was ready. He had to be.</p><p>As Montgomery went to shake hands with the Ravenclaw Quidditch team’s captain, a seventh year named Phineas Phillips, James observed Anson Nott leaning casually on his broomstick, looking very relaxed and handsomely so. A flush of jealousy and dislike overwhelmed him as James recalled the last time he’d run into Nott. He’d been snogging Lily in the library.</p><p>James leaned towards Burdacke Dunne and muttered, “Do me a favor, mate. If you get a chance, knock a Bludger into their Seeker’s face, would you?”</p><p>Dunne gave him a crooked grin and a thumbs up, and then the two teams kicked off into the sky.</p><p>Right away it was a close match. The Ravenclaws were good — better than James cared to admit — and they kept up point for point with the Gryffindors. Montgomery had ruled that the Gryffindor Chasers would stay in tight formation, just as they’d practiced, but James quickly grew frustrated by the limitations of this strategy. He kept getting blocked at every turn by one of the Ravenclaw Chasers, a girl named Fawley, who seemed to be tailing him.</p><p>As the match continued in stalemate, James grew more and more impatient. Finally, as Ravenclaw scored yet another point, he flagged Montgomery down.</p><p>“Call a time-out!” he hollered across the wind.</p><p>Montgomery obliged.</p><p>“We’ve got to change course,” announced James as soon as his trainers hit the grass. “Break from all these rigid formations. They’re not getting us anywhere.”</p><p>“No,” said Montgomery. “We’ve practiced these and we’re good at them. It’s not flashy, but we’re ahead. Ravenclaw’s Beaters are clever, I don’t want to take any undue risks and end up—”</p><p>“Sod risks!” said James furiously. “We can’t play it safe with this team, and we can’t waste any more time. If Nott catches the Snitch…we need to get as many points as we can while we still have the chance.”</p><p>“What do you suggest?”</p><p>“Let me loose. I’ll take them by surprise and do some damage.”</p><p>Montgomery looked unconvinced, but Aisha Collins said, “We could at least try it, Dave. He’s right, we’re not making much progress here.”</p><p>At last Montgomery relented and the team returned to the sky. No longer chained to their rigid plays, the game quickly took a dramatic turn. The Ravenclaw Chasers had picked up on their strategy before, but this time when they expected Collins to try and score, she tossed the Quaffle backwards to James, who zipped and whirled across the pitch — dodging Bludgers, leaving Fawley in the dust — and scored, again and again.</p><p>A half hour later and they were absolutely crushing Ravenclaw. The only thing that could change the course of the game now, was —</p><p>A great cry went up from stands and James, Quaffle in hand, did a flip in the air to see his worst fear: Anson Nott was in a steep dive, gripping the edge of his broomstick, his face set in determined pursuit. Gryffindor’s own Seeker Prateek Shirali dove as well, but he was too far away…and hope sunk faster than a broomstick tied to a brick. It was all over. They were going to lose…the exact same way they had lost last year…with stupid Nott catching the Snitch…</p><p>But then, with the roar of the crowd battering at his eardrums, James did some very quick mental mathematics: If he scored just one more goal, just one, even with the one hundred and fifty points Ravenclaw would get for catching the Snitch, Gryffindor would still come out ahead by a mere three points…and the match would be over.</p><p>James tucked the Quaffle under his arm and made a split-second decision. All eyes were glued to the two plummeting Seekers as James raced unimpeded towards the goal posts. No one paid him much mind, for what did it matter if he scored yet another point, if Anson Nott caught the Snitch?</p><p>He was nearly there — the three great hoops looming up through the fog — when one of the Ravenclaw Beaters did the math and caught on to James’s plan. He was, as Montgomery pointed out, quite clever. He sped after James, and with a forceful swing of his bat, he sent a Bludger pummeling his way.</p><p>James saw it coming, but he knew he needed to just get a little bit closer. He couldn’t outfly the Bludger, but if he could just get a little closer…</p><p>And then three things happened in quick succession: James sent a Quaffle sailing through the topmost goalpost, Anson Nott clasped his hand victoriously around the Golden Snitch, and a Bludger hit James squarely in the back of the head with a great and vicious <em>crack</em>, knocking him into a sharp, black oblivion.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>Just a little bit closer…just a little…</em>
</p><p>In that sudden, mysterious way that consciousness returns, James became distinctly aware that his head was pounding. He opened his eyes with some effort and bright light flooded his vision, which did nothing to help the abysmal headache. He groaned. Fuzzy shapes moved in indistinguishable patches in the distance. He raised a hand for his glasses and found they were not on his face. Then, quite abruptly and for no discernible reason, a flood of memories came rushing back to him like wind past a broomstick. He sat up very suddenly.</p><p>“Oi!” said a familiar voice nearby.</p><p>“Did we win?” James demanded at once, but all the words got jumbled up somewhere in the stretch between his brain and his tongue, and it came out sounding more like: “Dweewin?”</p><p>“What did he say?”</p><p>Someone jammed a pair of glasses over his nose and the room swam into focus. James blinked a few more times, getting his bearings. He appeared to be in the hospital wing, which made sense, and his friends — Sirius, Remus, and Peter — were all settled in chairs next to his bed. This also made sense. But none of these details answered his most pressing question.</p><p>“Did — we — win?”</p><p>“I think he wants to know about the match,” said Remus. “Bless him.”</p><p>“DID WE?!”</p><p>“Yes, you idiot,” Sirius laughed. “We won, and you nearly got decapitated by a Bludger in the process. Well done.”</p><p>“We won?”</p><p>“We won.”</p><p>“By three points!” squeaked Peter enthusiastically. “If you hadn’t scored that last goal we would’ve lost for sure! That was amazing!”</p><p>James grinned and fell back against his pillows, basking in the glow of his victory. “We won the Cup,” he said again, savoring the words. Then, gingerly touching his bandaged skull, he added, “Ow.”</p><p>“An admirably succinct description of the effects of a Bludger to the brain, yes,” agreed Remus. “Here, have a chocolate frog.”</p><p>James looked around and realized that every inch of the table next to him had been covered with sweets and gifts and get well cards. “What’s all this?” he asked, waving a hand at the bounty.</p><p>“What do you think?” said Sirius. “The hospital wing has been temporarily transformed into a shrine to James Potter, Savior of the Gryffindor Quidditch team.”</p><p>“How long have I been out?”</p><p>“<em>Hours</em>,” said Peter.</p><p>“Yeah, we were briefly concerned that you’d died,” said Sirius lightly, “but Remus assured me you would’ve thought it well worth the sacrifice.”</p><p>“He died as he lived,” eulogized Remus. “Doing something spectacularly stupid.”</p><p>Realizing that James was now awake and making rather a lot of noise, Madam Pomfrey came over to administer a number of potions. James took them dutifully if expressively.</p><p>“That’s disgusting,” he lamented through a contorted grimace after a swig of Skele-gro.</p><p>“If you don’t like it, then maybe next time you’ll avoid cracking open your skull,” advised Madam Pomfrey.</p><p>James turned back to his friends as she hustled off. “I cracked open my skull?”</p><p>He listened as they detailed what had happened after he blacked out: How there had been blood everywhere. How Burdacke Dunne and Florence Fawley, the Ravenclaw Keeper who had given him so much trouble, had caught him just before he’d plummeted to his death. How Anson Nott had raised his fist in victory before realizing he had just lost Ravenclaw the match by catching the Snitch too soon. How James had been levitated out on a stretcher, followed by a slew of Gryffindors singing victory songs written in his honor…</p><p>“And Madam Pomfrey had to grow back a few of your teeth!” finished Peter excitedly.</p><p>Remus grimaced. “Lucky you were unconscious for that. Never fun.” He grabbed a box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans from the pile and peeled open the lid. “You know,” said Remus, “I rather like being on this side of the hospital bed for once. You should get hit by Bludgers more often.”</p><p>James chucked a chocolate frog at him — and missed rather spectacularly.</p><p>“Guess it takes a minute for the coordination to come back,” observed Sirius.</p><p>They all laughed. James beamed groggily at his friends. He suspected a few of Madam Pomfrey’s potions were beginning to take effect…but even stronger than the pain potion or the glow of his Quidditch victory was the power of this simple moment: His friends were all laughing together. Like old times. Like the last full moon had never happened. Like everything was really, truly fine.</p><p>“You missed the celebration, sadly,” Sirius told him, kicking up his feet onto the edge of James’s bed. “Half the house squeezed in here. We tried to prop you up and put a party hat on you, but Madam Pomfrey got cross and made everyone leave.”</p><p>“You should’ve seen it,” said Peter, sounding awed. “<em>Everyone</em> was here.”</p><p>“Was Evans here?”</p><p>The question slipped out before James had a chance to censure himself. The pain potions were definitely starting to kick in. They were like alcohol: His verbal inhibitions were always the first thing to go. But none of that seemed important right now. He waited for the answer to his question.</p><p>Peter fidgeted with a sweet wrapper.</p><p>Remus scratched his nose.</p><p>Sirius merely shrugged and said, “Dunno, mate. Didn’t see her, but like I said, there were a lot of people here.”</p><p>James sunk deeper into his pillow. That was a no. She hadn’t come. He’d nearly <em>died</em>, and she hadn’t come. He brooded over this for another miserable moment, the warm glow of his victory rapidly dimming. The pain potions tugged heavily at his eyelids, luring him back to sleep. He could easily blink and give into unconsciousness, but it suddenly seemed very important that he communicate his woes.</p><p>“I have to tell you something,” he mumbled against the tide of potions. “I’m in trouble.”</p><p>His friends exchanged startled glances at this abrupt change in his tone.</p><p>“What kind of trouble?” said Sirius.</p><p>“Big trouble,” insisted James, struggling not to slur his words. “I want to tell you this because you’re my best mates, and I trust you with my life, and…I don’t know what to do…it’s been months and months, and I don’t know what to do…”</p><p>“Prongs, what’s going on? What’s happened?”</p><p>“If I tell you,” said James, “you have to promise not to laugh.”</p><p>Another shared glance between the boys.</p><p>“…Okay?”</p><p>“You promise?”</p><p>“Yeah, we promise. What’s the big problem?”</p><p>James took a deep breath. “I’m in love with Lily Evans.”</p><p>There was a pause, then all three boys around him burst out laughing.</p><p>“Hey!” cried James, indignant. “What did I <em>just</em> say?”</p><p>“You,” said Sirius, shaking his head through a snort of laughter, “are colossally stupid.”</p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p>“We know,” said Remus.</p><p>“We’ve known for <em>years</em>,” said Peter.</p><p>James stared at them, thunderstruck. “You can’t have known for years. <em>I</em> haven’t even known for years!”</p><p>“Yes,” said Remus patiently, “but as Sirius so helpfully pointed out, you are colossally stupid.”</p><p>“You knew? All this time? Why didn’t you tell <em>me</em>?”</p><p>Peter patted his arm affectionately. “This was something you needed to work out for yourself.”</p><p>“Yeah,” snickered Sirius, “and it was hilarious to watch you think you were keeping such a big secret. As if everyone in this whole school hasn’t known for years.”</p><p>James’s stomach sank. “Everyone knows? Does Evans know?”</p><p>“Actually,” Sirius mused, “Evans might be about as thick as you, so probably not.”</p><p>James just sat there, stunned by this new development. There was a small part of his brain that was urging him to lie, to deny it all, or at the very least to feel embarrassed about it, but as that part of his brain had recently been clobbered by a speeding Bludger, it wasn’t particularly convincing in its admonitions. So instead James said with a touch of despondency, “So now what? She hates me.”</p><p>“Nah,” said Sirius. “She doesn’t.”</p><p>“She didn’t come to the party. She doesn’t care if I’m dead or decap—decapit—” he struggled for a moment over the abundance of syllables. “Decapititated,” he concluded uncertainly.</p><p>The pain potions were becoming harder to resist.</p><p>“Dunno why she won’t go out with me.”</p><p>“Maybe she’s playing hard to get,” offered Peter.</p><p>“She went out with stupid Anson Nott. What’s so great about him?”</p><p>“Maybe she’s got a thing for Seekers,” said Sirius carelessly.</p><p>“I could be a Seeker if I wanted,” mumbled James, his eyelids drooping considerably. “S’not that hard…”</p><p>And then the dark realm of unconsciousness reclaimed him once more.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Can I go yet?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Please?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“How about now?”</p><p>“No, Potter.”</p><p>“But I feel fine!”</p><p>“I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” said Madam Pomfrey waspishly. “Normally you’re clamoring to get <em>in</em> to the hospital wing, not out.”</p><p>“Oh, ha ha,” said James. “That’s completely diff— hang on, did you just make a joke? Poppy Pomfrey just made a joke, and there was no one but me here to hear it! No one will ever believe me!”</p><p>“Drink your potion,” said the matron with a faint smile.</p><p>He did, though grudgingly. James had woken the morning after the match feeling considerably better. The evening before remained a blur, but his head didn’t pound so much and his thoughts weren’t nearly as foggy. Nonetheless, Madam Pomfrey insisted he stay in bed and rest while the last batch of Skele-gro did its unpleasant internal work. This was all right because his mates showed up during breakfast to keep him company.</p><p>“How’s your head, champ?” asked Sirius, dropping into the chair at James’s bedside with familiar repose.</p><p>“Apparently my skull is still regrowing itself, but I feel fine,” said James. “Poppy says that’s because I’m still on a mild dose of pain potion and that I need to remain imprisoned here to recuperate, but I think she’s just desperate for my delightful company.”</p><p>A pause. All three of his friends were watching him peculiar smiles.</p><p>“…What?”</p><p>“I don’t know, Padfoot,” said Remus, scratching his chin in a clinical sort of way. “He still looks sick to me.”</p><p>“Yeah,” agreed Sirius, quirking his head to the side. “I see what you mean.”</p><p>“What are you on about?” said James, bemused. “I’m not sick at all. I got hit by a Bludger, remember?”</p><p>Sirius leaned over and pressed the back of his hand to James’s forehead. “Mmm.” James swatted his hand away, and Sirius placed it instead on his heart. “Aha,” he said. “Yes, it’s just as I thought. Diagnosis? Lovesick.”</p><p>“What are you—” began James, but he stopped mid-sentence, eyes widening in horror as memories of the previous evening’s potion-fueled confession flooded his mind.</p><p>“No,” said James while the other boys dissolved into laughter. “No, no, no, <em>no</em>, you do not interrogate a man about his — <em>his personal feelings</em> while he’s high on pain potions! That is completely immoral! It’s against the code!”</p><p>“There was no interrogation,” Remus corrected him sternly. “You offered that information all on your own, out of the blue.”</p><p>“Yeah,” said Peter. “You wanted to tell us because we’re your best mates, and you trust us with your life.”</p><p>“Oh, Merlin,” moaned James, burying his face in his hands.</p><p>“Relax, Prongs,” laughed Sirius, clapping him on the shoulder. “We already knew.”</p><p>“That doesn’t make it better,” said James into his fingers. At last, he looked up from his hands to see his three friends watching him in amusement. “Well, go on.”</p><p>“What’s that?”</p><p>“This is the part where you take the piss, right? Annihilate my ego and stomp all over my already-fragile heart? Get it over with, the anticipation’s the worst part.”</p><p>The boys exchanged smirks.</p><p>“We figured since you recently suffered a head trauma, we’d get it out of our system before we came here,” said Remus.</p><p>“How charitable of you,” said James.</p><p>“There were some really good jokes though,” said Sirius. “Frankly, you missed out.”</p><p>Before James could come up with a suitable retort, they were interrupted by the entire Gryffindor Quidditch team, who had come to celebrate at last with their fully-conscious Chaser. Madam Pomfrey predictably protested at the number of visitors crammed into the infirmary, so Sirius, Remus, and Peter left, promising to return in the afternoon, “once the crowds have died down.”</p><p>The Quidditch team stayed for awhile, regaling him with tales of his winning goal, a pastime of which James had not yet grown tired. After them flowed a steady stream of admirers all morning. More than a few girls who had never before spoken to him had come to sit by his bedside and giggle. But by lunch time, the visits had petered off and James was growing restless. By mid-afternoon, when his friends had still not returned, James was feeling very hard-done-by indeed.</p><p>Madam Pomfrey was still holding him hostage due to his so-called “head trauma.” He sat on his bed, legs stretched out and one arm flung over the bedpost as he glared out the window. It was a beautiful day, and he could see students headed for the lake. He supposed his friends had decided to enjoy the lovely weather as well, while he sat and moldered in this miserable —</p><p>“Potter? You have a visitor.”</p><p>“About time,” said James irritably. He turned back from the window, expecting to see Sirius or Remus, but instead he found Lily Evans, clutching a stack of parchment and looking very uncomfortable.</p><p>“Evans!” he said in surprise, sitting up a little straighter against his pillows and gazing at her in astonishment. Madam Pomfrey walked briskly back to her office with the ghost of a smirk on her face. How much had the Matron heard last night? “I — er — wasn’t expecting you.”</p><p>“I brought your notes,” explained Lily, and she said this as though he’d been expecting them.</p><p>He looked at her blankly. “My notes?”</p><p>“Remus said you wanted to study for History of Magic? He was going to drop them off himself after lunch, but he said he wasn’t feeling well and asked if I would instead. It was on my way,” she added, almost defensively.</p><p>James, who knew Remus felt perfectly fine, bit back a grin. “Jolly old Remus. Always thinking of my education.”</p><p>“Right, well, I’ll just leave these…” she struggled for a moment, trying to find a place to set the notes on the table beside his bed. This was a difficult task as every surface in the vicinity had been piled with sweets and gifts. “…here,” she concluded, plopping them down precariously on a stack of cauldron cakes. “I’m sure you’ve been swamped with hordes of fawning admirers, so I’ll let you get some rest.”</p><p>“Don’t go yet,” said James quickly. “Please. I’m bored out of my skull, cracked as it may be. Pomfrey’s convinced my head will fall off if I leave before dinner, and these fawning admirers are figments of your imagination. They’ve all forgotten me for the sun.” He cast another despondent glance out the window.</p><p>“I have to study,” said Lily uncertainly.</p><p>“Study with me! Look, I’ve got notes and everything. I’ll quiz you.”</p><p>“Well…”</p><p>“Oh, go on. Don’t make me beg. I’m losing my mind stuck in here. Do a good deed and keep me sane?”</p><p>To his utter amazement and delight, Lily relented. “Oh, all right,” she sighed. “But don’t expect me to fluff your pillows.”</p><p>James grinned. “Wouldn’t dream of it. Want some?” he gestured to the table full of sweets. “No, no — don’t eat those,” he added hastily as she reached for a box of Bertie Bott’s. “Remus has been through them. He always picks out all the good flavors and leaves the rest for unsuspecting victims. He has a knack for it. I’m fairly certain all you’ll find in that one is bogie and spinach.</p><p>“Good to know,” said Lily, half-smiling as she reached for a chocolate frog instead.</p><p>James felt a euphoric intoxication not entirely unlike pain potions as she sat down in the chair next to his bed. He watched happily as she unwrapped the chocolate frog and nibbled at it while examining the Famous Wizard Card.</p><p>“Some victory party, eh?” said James. “Good of you to show up though.”</p><p>It took a moment for the reference to their previous conversation to click. “No, no, no,” said Lily quickly as she caught up. “That is not what’s happening here, Potter. This isn’t a—”</p><p>“I’m joking, Evans,” he laughed, delighting in the pink tinge that flushed her face. “Trust me, when I take you on a date, it will be somewhere much nicer than the infirmary. No offense to Poppy, of course. She does her best.”</p><p>“Did you want to study or not?”</p><p>“Ah, yes. Of course. History of Magic.”</p><p>He offered to quiz her first, which she accepted. She had evidently already been studying as they made it through the foundation of the International Warlock Convention and the witch burnings of the thirteenth century with relative ease. Only when they moved onto the goblin rebellions did she begin to struggle.</p><p>“Who was the leader of the 1752 goblin uprising in Paris, and what was he famous for?” asked James.</p><p>Lily frowned in concentration, an adorable crinkle between her brows. “Was it…Buric…the bearded? Or something like that?”</p><p>“Not quite,” said James.</p><p>“Urg the Unclean?”</p><p>“Nah, he was in the 1800s.”</p><p>Lily slumped in her chair in defeat. “Then I have no idea. I can’t keep all these goblin names straight, and I’m pretty sure I slept through this lecture anyway.”</p><p>James laughed. “It was Uric the Evil, and he was famous for collecting the fingers of the wizards whose wands he stole.”</p><p>Lily made a disgusted expression. “Well, that’s gruesome.”</p><p>“Yeah,” agreed James. “He was said to have kept about one-hundred-and-fifty severed digits on display in a china cabinet, although Batty tells me that’s a bit of an exaggeration, and he really only dismembered about eight wizards over the course of the rebellion.”</p><p>“Sorry…Batty?”</p><p>“Bathilda Bagshot,” James clarified.</p><p>Lily raised her eyebrows. “As in…the author of <em>A History of Magic?”</em></p><p>“That’s right.”</p><p>“You’re on a first name basis with the author of our textbook?”</p><p>“Sure. She’s a family friend. Nice old lady. Talks a lot, but it’s almost always interesting. Except when she gets on troll economics. I mean, how many ways can you explain big rock, small rock, give me the goat or I’ll smash your brains in…what?”</p><p>He noticed she was giving him a very peculiar look.</p><p>“Nothing,” said Lily quickly. “I just can’t believe you know Bathilda Bagshot, that’s all.”</p><p>James shrugged. He didn’t think this was very impressive. “A lot of people know old Bathilda.”</p><p>She stared at him for a moment, then shook her head with a faint laugh. “Our lives are so different.” Then she leaned back in her chair and sighed. “All right, I need a break from all the goblins. My head is spinning. Shall I quiz you?”</p><p>“Sure,” agreed James, “but keep in mind that I have recently suffered a head trauma, I am still slightly high on pain potions, and I fully intend to exploit both of those excuses every time I get an answer wrong.”</p><p>She laughed. A true Lily-Evans-with-her-head-thrown-back laugh. The thrill of victory coursed through him. He’d made her laugh. “Fair enough,” she said, and still smiling slightly, she took the stack of notes from him and flipped through the parchment. After a moment of this, she looked back up at him and asked almost shyly, “Did it hurt?”</p><p>“When I fell from heaven?”</p><p>She snorted. “No, you prat. When you got knocked out by a Bludger.”</p><p>“Oh, that,” said James. “Nah. Well, maybe a bit. But only the part where it smashed into the back of my head and cracked my skull.”</p><p>“Some people would say it was foolish to fly directly in front of a Bludger just to score a point,” said Lily.</p><p>“Some people don’t win Quidditch tournaments,” said James.</p><p>She laughed a second time, and James felt as though he’d won the Quidditch Cup all over again. But as Lily searched through the notes for a good place to start, James sensed a slightly unpleasant prickle on the back of his neck that had nothing to do with the pretty girl beside him. He looked up.</p><p>There, standing motionless in the entrance to the hospital wing was Severus Snape. He was holding his arm, which was wrapped in a bit of cloth and dripping blood. He stared at James and Lily, his expression both horrified and furious. Lily, still absorbed in the notes, didn’t notice him, but James met his gaze with a defiant smirk. Severus went very white before he turned on his heel and fled.</p><p>Satisfied that his enemy had been vanquished, James returned his attention to Lily. She was frowning over one of the sloppier paragraphs, which gave him a moment simply to appreciate how lovely she was. He didn’t think he’d ever get over how lovely she was.</p><p>“You sure you won’t go out with me, Evans?”</p><p>He’d expected her to roll her eyes or scoff, but instead she went slightly pink. Looking intently at the notes, she said, “I’m going to ignore that question since, by own admission, you are high on pain potions right now.”</p><p>James sighed and sunk back into his pillows. “Fair enough.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, for any Hamilton fans, you know that part after “It’s Quiet Uptown” where Jefferson goes “Can we get back to politics?” And Madison is like “PLEASE.”</p><p>…I feel like that’s this chapter except replace "politics" with “Quidditch”</p><p>p.s. I PROMISE I haven't forgotten about Sev ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0051"><h2>51. For Enemies</h2></a>
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<h1>SEVERUS</h1>
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<h2>For Enemies</h2><p>Severus hurried through the castle’s corridors, dashing away from the hospital wing. He clutched his still-bleeding arm to his chest as he descended to the dungeons, ignoring the stares he was attracting from other students as he went. He’d been working on a new spell, a stroke of inspiration — if you could call it that — wrenched from yet another sleepless night…but it hadn’t gone quite right, and he hadn’t been able to stop the bleeding. He’d tried every counter-curse he knew to no avail. Eventually, as the pile of blood-strained rags grew worryingly high, he’d decided perhaps he ought to swallow his pride and pay a visit to the school matron.</p><p>But the scene that met him when he’d arrived made him feel so properly ill, he could hardly believe it was real: Lily was sitting at Potter’s bedside, laughing and fawning and making a fool of herself.</p><p><em>No,</em> he thought furiously, tucking his blood-stained arm beneath his robes as a group of third years gawked at him. <em>Potter could not have her.</em> He didn’t <em>deserve</em> her. She was the one thing — <em>the one thing</em> — Potter would not steal from him. He had taken his pride, his dignity…he’d nearly taken his life…but Potter would not take Lily Evans.</p><p>Severus wouldn’t allow it.</p><p>The temperature dropped a few degrees as he descended to the dungeons. He muttered the password (<em>“Vipera”</em>), stalked through the Slytherin common room, and shouldered his way into his own dormitory. It was mercifully empty.</p><p>After a few painful moments of digging one-handed through his trunk, Severus retrieved a fistful of yarrow leaves. He shoved a wad into his mouth and chewed, ignoring the burst of bitter flavor. Then he removed the spit-sodden mass and pressed it to his arm. Yarrow would staunch the flow of blood, though crudely. He needed essence of dittany, but he didn’t have that, and he couldn’t go back to the hospital wing…not with Potter there, gloating…</p><p>Severus had invented the curse, so he would simply have to invent the counter-curse as well.</p><p>And quickly.</p><p>He pulled his bed hangings shut, lest anyone interrupt him, and withdrew his wand from the pocket of his robes. Then, wincing slightly, he traced the wound with the tip of his wand. Now that the yarrow had slowed the bleeding, he could see the line of the cut quite clearly — sharp and neat and clean as if a knife had sliced through him.</p><p>He closed his eyes for a moment, willing his mind into the same space it had been when he’d first tried the experimental spell that morning. It had come to him in a flash of fury, a slash of savage vengeance…and he could almost get back to that place of creative rage with the recent memory of Potter’s smirk…but then he remembered Lily, laughing and simpering at Potter’s side, and Severus’s mind went strangely blank.</p><p>Annoyed, and slightly alarmed by the throbbing of his arm, Severus reached for his bag and pulled out <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em>. He stroked its battered spine, lost in a moment of reflection, then he flipped through the book at random and searched for a place to start. Severus preferred to give himself something else to think about when his mind was like this. He’d long since perfected the ability to operate two tracks of his mind at once: Focus on a specific spell, a solvable problem, and the rest of his thoughts were free to churn and whirl, making associations, connecting the dots. He’d had many a breakthrough this way. Genius required space to simmer.</p><p>But the problem was that the many tracks of his mind had turned into tunnels…long, dark, winding tunnels through which he endlessly stumbled and staggered, the hot breath of a howling beast quick upon his heels…</p><p>
  <em>“RUN!”</em>
</p><p>Severus jerked his head as though he could dislodge this flash of memory, but he knew he could not. It had tormented him endlessly since his fateful trip down below the Whomping Willow. He shut <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em> with a frustrated snap. It was no use. His mind was too muddled to make sense of this new spell. He returned to his trunk and pulled out the last of his yarrow supply. He repeated the same process as before: chewing the leaves, pressing them to the wound. Then, after a moment’s consideration, he tore a strip of his bedsheets and wrapped the fabric tightly around his arm. The house-elves would replace the sheets, it was no real loss. He’d probably have a scar, but what did that matter, in the end?</p><p>He felt an infuriating sense of impotence at his apparent inability to solve this spell. It was perhaps unreasonable — many of his inventions had taken multiple iterations before he’d perfected them — but the stakes of this invention were higher, and not merely because his arm was currently dripping blood. This was the first curse he’d crafted since Potter had stolen his spells. Every other attempt at invention had been derailed by the intrusive image of Potter using his own creations against him...</p><p>Severus still didn’t know how he’d done it. It had been months since Potter and Black had accosted him on his stakeout, smashed his Omnioculars, and strung him up by his own spell — <em>Levicorpus</em> — and left him there. He still had the fragments of the shattered Omnioculars tucked away in his trunk, useless though they now were. It was his proof, if only to himself. He had seen Remus Lupin sneaking out of the castle through those very Omnioculars.</p><p>Of course, that particular mystery had been resolved <em>(don’t think about it)</em>, but the mystery of how Potter had gotten his hands on Severus’s spells — his secret collection of invented curses and jinxes that he had never shown another person! — this, Severus had still not deduced.</p><p>And it was driving him fucking mad.</p><p>He reached again for his bag and fumbled around the crumbs and quill-ends until he found a crumpled pack of Woodbines. He shook the pack and two fags tumbled out. His last ones. He’d stocked up as best he could before the end of summer, nicking them from both shopkeepers and his parents alike until he’d amassed a decent supply. It was impossible to get cigarettes in Hogsmeade, so Severus had rationed them the best he could throughout the year. He still had a few weeks of school left, but fuck it. He needed a smoke.</p><p>Carefully placing the single remaining fag back into the pack, Severus lit the other with his wand and took a long, steadying drag. He exhaled and watched the smoke spiral up in soft tendrils, vaguely iridescent against the emerald bed curtains, his dark thoughts drifting along with them. They say when you die, your life flashes before your eyes, but no one ever told him about the almost-death and the way it seemed to flicker endlessly before him, like the wraiths of smoke from his cigarette. Another deep drag. He closed his eyes.</p><p>
  <em>A low growl.</em>
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  <em>A thunder of paws.</em>
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  <em>“RUN!”</em>
</p><p>Severus’s eyes snapped open and he sucked again on the cigarette. They’d tried to kill him, Black and Potter, and they’d gotten off scot free. No punishment. Rewarded, even! Severus seethed as he remembered the unfairness of Dumbledore’s ruling. How he hated that stupid, arrogant, old fool of a headmaster. He, Severus, had lost one hundred and fifty points, received detention from Slughorn for a week, <em>and</em> had been threatened with expulsion should he ever utter the truth about the werewolf Remus Lupin. It was unreal. It was <em>outrageous</em>. Meanwhile, Potter had been lauded, rewarded, treated like a hero…</p><p>And of course, Potter had played it up, all innocence and anxiety. Severus could see right through his pious act, but the professors were gullible, idiotic dunderheads, the whole lot of them.</p><p><em>“On the contrary, Mr. Snape,”</em> hissed the memory of the Headmaster’s voice in his ear, <em>“it seems to me that Mr. Potter saved your life.”</em></p><p>Saved his life! What a fucking joke. What an absolute, intolerable mockery of the truth. Yes, Severus still woke in the dark to imagined snarls and claws swiping at his gut. Yes, he dreamt of dark tunnels and paws thundering behind him nearly every night…but his life wouldn’t have needed saving at all if Black and Potter hadn’t conspired to send him down there, knowing full well what he’d find. The professors may deny it or try and place the blame on Severus for going in the first place, but anyone with any sense could see that Black had acted with the clear intent of murder.</p><p>And Severus didn’t believe for one second that Potter hadn’t been in on it too. Potter and Black didn’t so much as piss without telling the other. No, it had all been a set up. Black had wanted revenge, so they’d concocted a little plot to murder Severus and make it look like an accident, and then…then…then Potter must’ve gotten cold feet and decided it would be enough to simply humiliate Severus, and make himself look a hero.</p><p>Yes. That’s what happened. He was certain of it.</p><p>Once again, the image of Potter in the hospital wing flickered before his eyes. The knowing, smirking, taunting look he’d flashed Severus while Lily simpered and smiled at his side. He half-wondered if Potter was only interested in Lily because he knew how much it would infuriate Severus. Another twist of the knife.</p><p>And Lily! What was she thinking? He supposed she’d been impressed by Potter’s big Quidditch victory, though Severus couldn’t see what was so impressive about getting knocked out by a Bludger. He’d thought Lily had more sense than that. He’d thought she’d learned her lesson about Potter years ago. Yes, he knew that briefly in the past she’d nurtured an idiotic crush on him — and she’d gotten what she’d deserved for that, too; he’d made her life hell — but Severus just couldn’t fathom that she would rekindle that foolishness now…</p><p>Hot ash fell from his fag-end and Severus realized he’d let it burn down to his fingers. “Fuck,” he muttered, and he stubbed the cigarette out on his bedpost before rolling onto his side, arm throbbing all the while.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The next morning, his arm felt hot and sore to the touch. The yarrow had caused the blood to crust over the cut, but it still festered like an open wound. He’d spent the entirety of the evening prior attempting to heal it, but none of the usual methods worked. He knew that he ought to visit the hospital wing again, but he found he did not want to. This was his riddle to solve, and strangely enough, he was enthralled by it.</p><p>So Severus heaved himself out of bed, wrapped his arm in fresh strips of bedsheet, and pulled on his robes. He’d wanted to skip breakfast to keep working on the spell, but he’d missed dinner the night before, and his stomach had that sort of hollow ache that was annoyingly distracting. The Great Hall was calamitous as ever — completely unsuitable to deep thought — students laughing and shouting, the clatter of cutlery while the dolts around him crammed their faces with bacon and eggs. Severus picked at some toast while he flipped through <em>Decoding the Dark Arts</em>, a book he’d checked out from the library.</p><p>He was halfway through a chapter on curse reversal when the hairs on the back of his neck stood to attention. He turned, and there was the werewolf, strolling casually across the room, Sirius Black following a few steps behind. The werewolf looked so innocuous walking amidst the crowds of students, his school uniform an ever-convincing disguise. No one else knew of the beast that walked among them…except for Lupin’s friends of course. Severus turned his spiteful gaze to Black, who slouched into his seat, looking haughty and bored. Severus’s lip curled.</p><p>It was a strange thing to be very nearly murdered by your classmates and then be expected to pick up and carry on with your studies as though nothing had happened — but this seemed to be what Hogwarts expected of Severus. He couldn’t tell a soul about that night for fear of expulsion, so he was forced to simmer and stew in his own raging memory — alone.</p><p>He had never before known anger like this, the kind that lingered in the spaces between your thoughts, stalking the spare moments of your day, bullying your brain. He was furious with Black and Potter, with their werewolf, with Dumbledore and Slughorn, with every other idiot who’d played their part in what had very nearly been his murder…but mostly he was furious with himself. He was smarter than two cretinous jocks like Black and Potter. They should never have been able to get the upper hand on him like that. <em>How</em> had he let them get the upper hand on him?</p><p><em>It’s because you doubted yourself,</em> he thought with a furious bite of toast.</p><p>Yes, that was it. He’d begun to doubt his own theory about Lupin in the weeks before Black’s little prank. Because none of it had made any sense. Seeing Madam Pomfrey escort him out of the castle was one thing — he would never have dreamed a werewolf was here with the Headmaster’s approval — but more disconcerting still was the question of where Potter and Black were going when they snuck out on the full moons. He knew they did; he’d caught them at it. If Lupin was in fact a werewolf, they wouldn’t be able to go anywhere near him and live to tell the tale. But Lupin <em>was</em> a werewolf. Severus knew that for sure now. So where were Potter and Black going? Maybe they’d just been trying to throw him off the scent…</p><p>Ultimately, it had been the fact that Black had told him to his face how to get past the Whomping Willow that had made Severus truly doubt that Lupin could be a werewolf. He’d known it was a trap, Black sending him down there. That was obvious. But Severus had also known he was cleverer than Black. He’d known that with a bit of preparation he could handle anything Black threw his way…</p><p>Anything but a werewolf.</p><p>But it hadn’t occurred to him that Black would so easily betray his friend’s secret, after everything they’d done to hide it. And — vile and arrogant though he may be — it hadn’t occurred to him that Sirius Black would so casually commit a murder.</p><p>He supposed it was revenge for the affair in the dungeon, when Black’s cousins had used him to make a point. Severus had been the one to cast the initial disarming spell, after all. It had been a place of pride, Mulciber had told him. A sort of initiation into their group. A chance to prove himself. He’d leapt at it. But once the disarming spell had been cast, the others had descended upon Black with a vengeance that had startled even Severus. He’d had to step to the back, overwhelmed, silently horrified by what he was witnessing. The others hadn’t noticed this weakness, thankfully. Nor had they heard him retch in the toilet after, thanks to his own spell <em>Muffliato</em>.</p><p>It was a strange thing to have once felt pity — if only for a moment — for the boy who would later attempt to murder you. Severus squashed this memory as best he could. Sirius Black was the scum on his shoe. He was a blood traitor; he was a murderer. And any moment of weakness or guilt Severus might’ve felt after that night in the dungeon had since been chased away by the specter of a froth-mouthed werewolf.</p><p>Because Mulciber was right: Sirius Black deserved it.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Severus hadn’t been the only victim of Black’s revenge, however. The public humiliation of Corin Mulciber had been swift, brutal, and shocking. In fact, the incident had caused a tremor that was felt throughout all of Slytherin House. For someone like Mulciber — someone hitherto considered untouchable — to be so publicly disrespected…It had set the entire house on alert.</p><p>Mulciber, for his part, had borne the indignity with an inscrutable stillness that was both terrifying and impressive to behold.</p><p>“I’m patient,” he’d said, when questioned about what he would do to retaliate. “I know precisely how to ruin the life of every single swine involved, and when the time is right, I’ll do just that.”</p><p>It was not an absence of rage, Severus realized, but a presage of rage to come, like sitting in the eye of a hurricane and waiting for the winds to start whipping. The rest of the world howled violently around him, but Mulciber stood still, calm and quiet in his fury…waiting. Severus had to admire it.</p><p>Meanwhile, war had all but broken out between the two houses and, much to Severus’s gratification, Mulciber and Avery had come to him for ideas and spells. Mulciber had taken an interest in Severus’s spellwork after coming across him dangling in the hallway the evening of his stakeout a few months ago. When Potter had stolen his spells. A demonstration of <em>Levicorpus</em> had been enough to get him invited to dinner a second time, and then Severus’s world had changed. Suddenly, Evan Rosier didn’t trip him on his way out of class, but instead waited and walked with him to meals. Adam Avery and Isolde Greengrass didn’t whisper insults behind his back but spoke with him to his face, almost (if not quite) like an equal. And when they’d asked him along to the ambush on Black, Severus had known he was truly accepted, a member of their elite group.</p><p>He’d never experienced anything like it before, this belonging. It was delicious. It was addicting. He wanted to do everything he could to make sure it lasted; he wanted to give them spell after spell after spell until there was no doubt of his usefulness, of his importance. Until his belonging was unquestionable.</p><p>They still had one more week of classes, however, and so Severus was grudgingly forced to leave his spellcraft behind and slump his way to and from dull, distracting classrooms. But he was determined to fix this new invention — his throbbing arm a constant reminder — and he let his mind work on it all through Charms, running through the word in his mind, tasting it, slicing it, stitching it back together. <em>Sectumsempra</em>. When the bell rang, he was eager to get back to the common room and try again, but as he left the classroom, Avery and Rosier walking alongside him, he saw her.</p><p>Lily was standing in the corridor outside his classroom giving him a purposeful stare, as though she’d been waiting for him there. He caught her eye and she summoned him a simple crook of her finger. Then she turned the corner and disappeared.</p><p>Severus glanced at Avery and Rosier to make sure they hadn’t seen this — they hadn’t — so he made a quick excuse and hurried off in her direction.</p><p>She was waiting for him just around the corner.</p><p>“What’s going on with you?” she demanded without prelude. Now that he’d caught up, she continued to stride down the hall, away from the masses of students who might interrupt their talk.</p><p>“What?” He hadn’t been expecting the question, nor the edge to her voice as she delivered it. If anyone had the right to be cross, it was him.</p><p>“You,” said Lily. “You’ve been acting strange for weeks. You’re sullen and you barely speak to me in class, and then as soon as the bell rings, you’re off somewhere with — with <em>them</em>.”</p><p>“Them?”</p><p>“Your new <em>friends</em>.”</p><p>She said the word ‘friends’ like she meant something else, and for a moment Severus felt a tiny pang of guilt. But then a voice in his head said, <em>So what? She’s jealous, that’s all. </em></p><p>It had always nettled him that she had friends other than him, that he was not her everything the way for so long she had been to him. And now that someone else had taken an interest? Now that his housemates were giving him the time of day? She was jealous. It was oddly satisfying. Delicious, even. She was jealous over <em>him</em>.</p><p>Lily was still speaking. “I don’t understand why you talk to them.”</p><p>“They’re my housemates,” said Severus.</p><p>“What difference does that make?”</p><p>Severus was about to reply that she talked to plenty of <em>her</em> housemates, but as they reached the courtyard, they heard a shout and turned just in time to see a boy hoisted up into the air by his ankle.</p><p>“Oh, for God’s sake,” snapped Lily.</p><p>Severus hung back as Lily stormed over. The boys who had cast the spell laughed as they scattered, leaving the other boy dangling helplessly. Severus noticed dispassionately that he had slightly greenish skin, as though he’d been hexed recently. Lily muttered something and the boy crashed to the ground.</p><p>“Are you all right, Dirk?” he heard her ask kindly.</p><p>“Fine,” grunted Dirk, and he took off in a heap of rumpled robes, looking thoroughly aggrieved.</p><p>Lily returned, her expression even darker than it had been before. “That’s one of yours, isn’t it?” she said in a low voice as they crossed the courtyard. “<em>Levicorpus</em>?“</p><p>Severus shrugged. “So what if it is?”</p><p>The spell had become a bit of a fad. He didn’t know if it had been Potter or Mulciber who’d spread it around, but it hardly made a difference. <em>Levicorpus</em> was ubiquitous around the castle these days.</p><p>“It’s <em>mean</em>, Sev,” complained Lily. “Why would you invent a spell like that? What good could it possibly do?”</p><p>“It’s a joke. Lighten up.”</p><p>“A joke, is it? You know, I caught Rosier using it on a first year last week. A little Muggle-born boy being strung up and mocked by a group of teenagers. You wouldn’t think it was so funny if <em>you</em> were the one dangling upside down while everyone laughed.”</p><p>Severus scowled. “Potter uses it,” he said, a tad petulantly.</p><p>“So what? Since when is Potter the paradigm of moral integrity?”</p><p>“I’m just saying, lots of people use it.”</p><p>“I know. You can hardly walk down the hall without being hoisted into the air these days. <em>I’m</em> just saying that I’m worried about the sort of stuff you’re getting into.” She reached out and placed her hand on his arm; a sharp twinge of pain erupted at her touch, and Severus winced and pulled away. He didn’t want to tell her about the wound or explain about <em>Sectumsempra</em>. She wouldn’t understand. Not if she felt so strongly about something childish like <em>Levicorpus</em>.</p><p>But Lily didn't interrogate his reaction; she merely frowned and looked away. Then, after an awkward moment, she said, “Have you got a fag?”</p><p>“No,” he lied, remembering the single remaining cigarette in the bottom of his bag. “Ran out months ago.”</p><p>“Me too,” sighed Lily. She exhaled dramatically, causing little wisps of red hair to flutter around her face. “Damn it. This term can’t end soon enough.”</p><p>“That eager to get back to Cokeworth, are you?”</p><p>She shot him a rather disgruntled look, as though he had just said something offensive. Maybe he had. After all, the desire to spend any time in that dirty Muggle dung-hole seemed to him something shameful and indecent. But she didn’t say anything further and neither did he; she simply walked on, hugging her arms to her chest, and he followed, shoulders hunched, arm aching.</p><p>“I’m worried about you,” she continued after a moment, turning her green-eyed gaze upon him. “I’m worried about the people you’re hanging around. You’re not acting like yourself, and I hardly ever see you—”</p><p>“Yeah, well, whose fault is that?” countered Severus. “You’re the one who’s always surrounded by Gryffindors in the halls, too busy and important to talk to me, unless it’s to shout at me, apparently.” Lily’s expression grew guilty at this comment, and Severus went on, savoring it. “I thought we were supposed to be friends. Best friends?”</p><p>“We <em>are</em>, Sev, but I don’t like some of the people you’re hanging around with! I’m sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber. <em>Mulciber!</em> What do you see in him, Sev, he’s creepy!” Lily stopped walking and leaned against a pillar of the courtyard, looking up into his face with bright, earnest eyes. “Do you know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?”</p><p>Of course Severus knew. Everyone knew all about it and the backlash it caused. A Slytherin student could barely walk to dinner without getting jinxed by Black or Potter.</p><p>“That was nothing,” said Severus. “It was a laugh, that’s all…”</p><p>This was evidently the wrong thing to say. Lily’s expression clouded over at once.</p><p>“It was Dark Magic, and if you think that’s funny—”</p><p>“What about the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?” said Severus, unable to stop himself.</p><p>“What’s Potter got to do with anything?”</p><p>“They sneak out at night. There’s something weird about that Lupin. Where does he keep going?”</p><p>“He’s ill,” said Lily. “They say he’s ill—”</p><p>“Every month at the full moon?”</p><p>“I know your theory.” There was an icy chill to her words, a note of finality, as though she had no intention of having this conversation yet again. “Why are you so obsessed with them, anyway? What do you care what they’re doing at night?”</p><p>“I’m just trying to show you they’re not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are.” He met her gaze with a fierce intensity, trying to read her mind, to know what she was doing in that hospital wing, what she was thinking, giggling with James Potter.</p><p>Then she did something horrible: She blushed.</p><p>“They don’t use Dark Magic, though,” she said as the incriminating pink flush spread across her cheeks. “And you’re being really ungrateful.” She lowered her voice to almost a whisper. “I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow, and James Potter saved you from whatever’s down there—”</p><p>Potter’s triumphant smirk in the hospital wing glittered in his memory. So was that how Potter had won her over? Told her his heroic tale of saving poor, pathetic Severus’s life? This indignity was more than Severus could bear. “Saved?” he spat. “Saved? You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends’ too! You’re not going to — I won’t let you—”</p><p>Lily narrowed her eyes. “<em>Let</em> me?” she said in a dangerous voice. “<em>Let</em> me?”</p><p>“I didn’t mean—” he fumbled, realizing he’d made a mistake. “I just don’t want to see you made a fool of — He fancies you, James Potter fancies you! And he’s not…everyone thinks…big Quidditch hero—”</p><p>“I know James Potter’s an arrogant toerag,” said Lily, interrupting his mangled tirade. “I don’t need you to tell me that. But Mulciber’s and Avery’s idea of humor is just evil. <em>Evil</em>, Sev. I don’t understand how you can be friends with them.”</p><p>He let her carry on complaining about his housemates for a few minutes more. He didn’t particularly want to hear it, but he knew she’d say it nonetheless, so it was best to just let her get on with it. Besides, the evident dislike in her voice when speaking of Potter had been an immediate balm to his agitation. As long as she still hated Potter, he could bear the rest…</p><p>“It’s not a big deal,” he replied vaguely when he sensed she had finished. “They’re just people in my house. I have to talk to them from time to time. That’s all.”</p><p>Lily looked doubtful. “That’s all?”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s all. What, am I not supposed to talk to any of my housemates because you don’t like them? <em>You</em> talk to Potter.”</p><p>“Again with Potter!”</p><p>“I’m just saying, it’s the same thing.”</p><p>“How is it the same thing? I’m not friends with him.”</p><p>“You looked pretty friendly in the hospital wing.”</p><p>His gaze bore into her again and she blinked in surprise, this time looking slightly embarrassed. <em>Good</em>, he thought bitterly. <em>She ought to be.</em></p><p>“I didn’t know you saw — that was — he had a concussion, all right?” she said, flustered. “I was being nice.”</p><p>With the air of a champion announcing checkmate, Severus replied, “And sometimes I talk about schoolwork with my housemates. To be nice.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>It wasn’t until Severus had returned to his common room again, <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em> open on his knee, <em>Decoding the Dark Arts</em> propped in his hand, trying to unlock the secret of his latest invention, that a truly horrible thought occurred to him. It was the sort of thought that had always been there, like grubs under a rock, just waiting to be exposed and examined.</p><p>
  <em>“That’s one of yours, isn’t it? Levicorpus?”</em>
</p><p>He hadn’t asked Lily how she’d known it was his spell. <em>Levicorpus</em> had become so popular around the castle, he’d simply assumed everyone knew it, but not everyone knew its origins, and he and Lily had never actually discussed the matter before.</p><p>Almost unwillingly, he probed this mental line of inquiry. All those months he’d spent obsessing over how Potter had learned his secrets, how Potter had stolen his spells…It had been impossible, Severus had insisted, as he’d only ever written them down in his copy of <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em>, and no one but Severus himself had ever had their hands on that book.</p><p>Except that wasn’t quite true, was it?</p><p>He suddenly recalled the day so many months ago when Lily had shown up to Ancient Runes with his book in hand, claiming she’d ‘accidentally’ stolen it from him in the library…</p><p>
  <em>“You’ve been working on spellcraft again?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You read it?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I just flipped through a few pages. It was a Potions book, how could you expect me to resist?”</em>
</p><p>No. She wouldn’t. Surely she wouldn’t. There had to be another explanation.</p><p>But the image of Lily giggling in the hospital wing haunted him…the way she’d blushed when Severus had interrogated her about Potter…</p><p>He felt a sudden burst of bitterness. <em>She</em> had been the one who had first sowed the seed of doubt in his mind about the werewolf Lupin, after all. <em>She’d</em> told him that Lupin couldn’t possibly be a werewolf because he’d been with her for prefect duties the night of the full moon.</p><p>A clear, irrefutable lie.</p><p>For an unbearable moment, Severus considered the notion that she might have been in on the prank too…but no. No, that was too horrible to consider. Lily would never do such a thing. Perhaps she’d been stupid, but she would never do something so wicked as that. She was too good, too pure…she was his friend, his <em>best</em> friend…</p><p>His best friend who’d lied to him.</p><p>His best friend who’d at best been careless with his deepest secrets, at worst had sold him out for a schoolgirl crush on a pompous <em>idiot</em>…</p><p>And she had the gall to chastise him for the company he kept?</p><p>He snapped <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em> shut with a fury that surprised him; he tossed <em>Decoding the Dark Arts</em> aside. He’d get no more done tonight. Not with this new monstrosity of an idea rattling around his brain.</p><p>They were all against him. Everyone in this damned school was against him. Potter, Black, the werewolf, the Headmaster, his own foolish Head of House, even Lily. No one was on his side.</p><p>Well, fine. So be it. That was nothing new. He didn’t need them.</p><p>Severus Snape didn’t <em>need</em> anyone.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The tunnel stretched before him, dark and unending, on and on towards nothing but a glimmer of light, a crack in the ceiling, moonlight spilling like the slice of a knife.</p><p>A trap door.</p><p>He arrived in the blink of an eye; the moment he’d thought it, he was there: the trap door before him, the tunnel stretching infinitely behind. He stared up at the door for a mere moment, for an eternity, and then he realized something horrible: The latch was gone.</p><p>
  <em>“RUN!”</em>
</p><p>Severus jerked forward into the pitch black consciousness of his dormitory. He lay frozen in his bed for the span of five shallow breaths. Then the nightmare receded, and he was fully awake.</p><p>
  <em>On the contrary, Mr. Snape. It seems to me that Mr. Potter saved your life.</em>
</p><p>With a grunt of disgust, Severus pushed himself out of bed without bothering to look at his watch. There was no point going back to sleep. Sleep was where the wolf prowled, waiting for him. He crossed to the common room, <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em> tucked under his arm, and chose his usual chair in the corner, where the murky haze of lake-tinged light barely touched.</p><p>The trick to creating new curses was that you had to try them over and over again to get them right, to test any variables, to be absolutely certain the work was infallible, that your first eureka moment was not, in fact, a foolish mistake. It was this dedication that all the other oafs around him lacked. It was why he, Severus, would excel beyond their wildest dreams.</p><p>He pulled up the sleeves of his robes, unwrapped the homemade bandage, and examined the half-healed wound. Then he pointed his wand at his arm quite steadily. “<em>Sectumsempra!</em>” he said, and he watched as the curse sliced through flesh, blood trickling in thick rivulets down his skin. He didn’t cry out or even wince. The pain was irrelevant. He let the wound grow for a moment, then with a deep breath, he began the counter-curse he’d devised the night previously with the help of <em>Decoding the Dark Arts</em>. As he muttered the incantation in reverse, over and over again, he mused that it sounded almost like a song, beautiful and eery as the spell he’d just crafted. Then, just as beautifully, his skin began to knit itself back together, like the thread of a needle, like the stitches of a scarf.</p><p>“Well done.”</p><p>Severus looked up sharply. Corin Mulciber was sitting across from him, his face shadowed by the wings of his armchair. He was observing Severus calmly from behind laced fingertips. Severus had been so involved in his spell that he hadn’t even noticed his arrival.</p><p>“I assume that was another curse of your own design?” said Mulciber.</p><p>Severus nodded.</p><p>“You’re very talented, Severus. I’ve known that for a while, of course, but it’s gratifying to see your talents grow. Oh yes,” he added, as Severus blinked in confusion. “I’ve been paying attention longer than you realize, perhaps. You’re only a fifth year, but have you thought of what you’ll do when you leave school?”</p><p>“I’ve had my career advice with Slughorn, if that’s what you mean,” grunted Severus. He didn’t mention that his career advice session had been wholly unsatisfactory, with his Head of House calling him “Septimus” and trying to foist upon him a pamphlet on Medical Potion Production, as if Severus was no more than a mere machine, made to slog in a factory line brewing someone else’s product, a mill worker like his father.</p><p>“Sluggy’s a good sort,” said Mulciber, stroking the arm of his chair, “if misguided in his tolerance for scum. But no, that’s not what I meant.” He leaned forward, and Severus saw an almost greedy expression on his face. “You have an intuitive grasp for the true <em>creativity</em> of the Dark Arts. Hogwarts these days has such a reductive view of magic. Are we really to go to school for seven years so we can merely scrub our pots with magic and make sure the Muggles don’t notice? <em>I</em> don’t think so. I think you’ll agree with me that you’re meant for so much more than <em>hiding</em>. But the blood traitors like Dumbledore are conspiring to keep talent like yours oppressed.”</p><p>Severus felt a thrill at these words. It was true: He knew he was meant for more; he knew he was better than these pathetic pretenders all around him. And Mulciber saw it too.</p><p>“We can offer you so much more.”</p><p>“We?”</p><p>Mulciber smiled. “My father is a member of a very important group of Wizards, Severus, and they’re always looking for new recruits. Mind you, they’re only interested in the true cream of the crop…but I’ve told my father about you and your spells. He’s interested. If you continue on the right and proper path, I believe upon graduation you could have a coveted spot with the Death Eaters.”</p><p>Severus’s eyes widened. “Death Eaters? But…I’m a half-blood.”</p><p>“A half-blood <em>Prince</em>,” said Mulciber, “with worthy ancestry and — more importantly, a brilliant mind. We’re about much more than blood purity, Severus. We’re about the future. We’re tired of hiding. We’re sickened by the way our people cower behind the Statute of Secrecy, giving far too much power to blood traitors like Dumbledore, so desperate to keep us all under his thumb. The Dark Lord,” his voice grew soft, almost reverent, “does not believe in hiding. By serving Him, we will change the world.”</p><p>Severus did not know what to say to such a proclamation, but Mulciber didn’t seem to require a response. He clasped a hand on Severus’s bony shoulder and squeezed. “Think it over,” he said. “Power like you’ve never dreamed. You wouldn’t need to be afraid of <em>anything</em> with the Death Eaters on your side…”</p><p>And he strolled away, as quietly as he’d arrived. Severus sat there in the gloom, heart hammering with the implications of what Mulciber had just offered him. He’d heard plenty of talk about Death Eaters in the Slytherin common room over the years, but he had never assumed it was a path open to him, a half-blood with a dirty Muggle father. He’d never considered it was path he’d desire…and yet…</p><p>He thought of Sirius Black, who had so casually sent him to certain death…</p><p>
  <em>All right, Detective Snivellus, here’s a clue…</em>
</p><p>He thought of James Potter, who’d tormented him endlessly, just for sport…</p><p>
  <em>Looking for all your friends, Snivellus? Might take a little while. It’d probably help to make some first…</em>
</p><p>He thought — unwillingly — of Lily Evans, who had betrayed his secrets to his worst enemy…</p><p>
  <em>Why are you so obsessed with them anyway?</em>
</p><p>He thought of Professor Dumbledore, smug and condescending as he threatened Severus with expulsion for Black and Potter’s crime…</p><p>
  <em>On the contrary, Mr. Snape. It seems to me that Mr. Potter saved your life.</em>
</p><p>And he thought of the werewolf, jaws wide, teeth glinting in the moonlight…</p><p>
  <em>RUN!</em>
</p><p>They all thought him weak, foolish, an easy target, a convenient scapegoat…but he’d show them. He’d show them all. <em><br/>
</em></p><p><em>Oh yes, </em>he thought, and he nearly smiled at the memory,<em> You’re going to pay for that.</em></p><p>Then he reached for his copy of <em>Advanced Potion-Making</em>, never far from his side, and thumbed through the pages until he found the spot where he’d scrawled <em>Sectumsempra</em> hastily in the margin. The faint brown whorl of a bloody fingerprint stained the corner. He picked up his quill, sucked at the end of it for a moment of deliberation, and then, with great satisfaction, he scratched two words underneath: <em>For enemies.</em></p>
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<a name="section0052"><h2>52. Prongs v. Snivellus</h2></a>
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<h1>JAMES</h1><hr/><h2>Prongs v. Snivellus</h2><p>James Potter’s return to the Gryffindor common room following his release from the hospital wing was marked by a fresh wave of felicitations. Several people applauded as he climbed through the portrait hole, and his attempt to cross the room was frequently hampered by crowds of students clapping him on the back or wanting a full exposition on what precisely it felt like to regrow your skull.</p><p>When he finally reached his friends at their usual spot by the fire, he collapsed onto the sofa, feeling exhausted but quite pleased with himself. </p><p>“Finally free, are you?” said Sirius. He was sprawled in an armchair, legs propped on the coffee table, arms stretched behind his neck. </p><p>“Damn near broke Poppy’s heart, but we both agreed it was for the best,” said James.</p><p>Sirius snorted. “Well, good. You’re just in time. Moony is boring us all to death with five years of History of Magic lectures.”</p><p>“I seem to have thoroughly offended Sirius by wishing to pass my O.W.L.s,” replied Remus blandly without looking up from the stack of parchment he was examining.</p><p>“I reckon you had the right idea, getting knocked out by a Bludger,” moaned Peter from behind his textbook. “I could go for a good coma right now.”</p><p>“I do feel very refreshed,” said James brightly. With an almost casual indifference, he added to Remus: “Thanks for those notes, by the way.” </p><p>Remus looked up with a grin. “Were they helpful?"</p><p>“Immensely.” Then, unable to keep up his unaffected manner, James leaned forward on his elbows and added blissfully, “She studied with me for nearly an hour. An hour!”</p><p>Even Sirius looked impressed. “You sure you didn’t secretly put a sticking charm on her chair?”</p><p>“Oh, ha ha. No, I did not. She stayed entirely of her own accord because, though she denies it, she secretly fancies me.” He turned back to Remus. “D’you think she secretly fancies me?”</p><p>Remus shrugged, but before he could respond, Sirius interjected, “I wouldn’t read too much into it, Prongs. She probably felt guilty about your giant head wound.”</p><p>“Yeah, but an <em>hour</em>.”</p><p>“That <em>is</em> a rather long time to spend with someone you don’t like at all, even out of pity,” said Remus thoughtfully.</p><p>James beamed. “That’s what I thought.”</p><p>Across from him, Sirius rolled his eyes and pulled out a copy of the<em> Daily Prophet</em>. He seemed rather annoyed by the whole conversation, but then Sirius seemed rather annoyed by everything these days, so James chose to ignore it.</p><p>“Well, what did you talk about?” asked Peter, apparently pleased for the distraction from his studies.</p><p>James frowned. “Goblin rebellions, mostly.”</p><p>“Very romantic,” snickered Peter.</p><p>“Hey, it’s a start!”</p><p>“You should try Giant Wars next time,” said Remus. “She’s mad about those.”</p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“No, you prat.” And Remus turned back to his notes with a snort. James observed him for a moment, then he snatched the notes out from under his friend’s nose.</p><p>“Hey!” protested Remus.</p><p>“We’re discussing very important matters here,” James admonished him. “I need your full attention.”</p><p>“Do you need another head trauma? Because I can help with that.”</p><p>James ignored this. “You’re friends with Evans, right?”</p><p>“Seriously? Give me my notes.”</p><p>“You’re always off doing…<em>prefect things</em> together. So you must know her pretty well?”</p><p>Remus sighed the long-suffering sigh of one who is forced to accept defeat. “We’re…friendly.”</p><p>“So tell me what to do.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“How do I get her to go out with me?”</p><p>“I’m hardly the expert in that department, Prongs.”</p><p>“But you know her better than I do,” insisted James. “And she likes you well enough. So what should I do?”</p><p>Another sigh. “Well, being nice to her is a good place to start.”</p><p>“I’m nice!”</p><p>Remus arched an eyebrow. “To Lily?”</p><p>“Yes!” After half a moment’s hesitation, James added: “Well, not <em>historically</em>, but I was what, twelve? You can’t hold that against me!”</p><p>Remus laughed. “I’m not holding anything against you, but Lily might. She’s the kindest person you’ll ever meet — until you piss her off. That girl knows how to hold a grudge.”</p><p>James sunk back into the sofa, mulling this over. “So, what? You’re saying it’s hopeless?”</p><p>“No, I’m saying that if you’re serious about this—”</p><p>“I am.”</p><p>“—then you’ve got a lot of work to do.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Unfortunately, “a lot of work” seemed to sum up the final few days before their examinations, and opportunities to engage further with Lily were few and far between. Indeed, by the end of the week, the only meaningful interaction he’d shared with her was at dinner, when she’d asked him to pass the ketchup. He obliged, and though he made every effort to infuse this simple action with all the longing and desperate, tender feelings he possessed for her, he wasn’t sure he’d succeeded, for as soon as she received the ketchup, she promptly handed it off to Mary and went back to <em>A History of Magic. </em></p><p>He spotted her again that evening in the common room, looking rather shipwrecked on the floor surrounded by piles of books, but Remus advised him that interrupting her studies the night before their first exam would not do much to endear him to her. James grudgingly agreed, and went back to his own rather depressing stack of notes.</p><p>The atmosphere among the fifth years at breakfast the next morning was one of barely-repressed panic. Marlene McKinnon had brought a full stack of books with her to breakfast, and she ate her scrambled eggs frantically behind them like a sort of fortress. Only vaguely listening as Remus quizzed Peter on the Medieval Assembly of European Wizards beside him, James’s gaze once again sought out Lily. She was hunched over her breakfast a few seats away from Marlene, alternating bites of toast with flipping the pages of a textbook. At one point she distractedly went to turn the page with the toast still in her hand and managed drop the entire slice — marmalade side down — onto the open book. </p><p>“Oh, bugger,” he heard her mutter, and he turned back to his own breakfast, unable to suppress a small smile.</p><p>Sirius alone seemed unaffected by the pre-exam fervor. He spent his breakfast unencumbered by open textbooks or piles of notes, and instead observed his classmates’ anxious activities with a somewhat disdainful air.  </p><p>When breakfast concluded, the fifth years were herded out to the entrance hall, where they were required to wait while the Great Hall was set up for the exams. At last, at half-past nine, they were summoned to return. </p><p>“Let’s get this over with,” sighed Sirius, and he took off towards the hall. James followed, and there was an irritating flutter of nerves in his stomach as he took his seat among the hundreds of desks set up in the Great Hall. Professor McGonagall stood imperiously before them all at the front, a tartan harbinger of doom and desperation as she turned over an enormous hourglass and announced: “You may begin.”</p><p>James took a deep breath and flipped over his exam paper. He read through the questions quickly, but paused upon reaching question thirteen: <em>Describe the 1752 goblin uprising in Paris and the implications it had on wizard-goblin relations.</em></p><p>He could still picture the adorable crinkle in Lily’s brow as he told her about Uric the Evil, who’d collected wizards’ severed fingers…He wondered if she’d remember the goblin’s name this time, if she’d be compelled to think of him as her quill drifted over question thirteen…</p><p>With a faint smile, he began to scratch out his answer.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“We’re in the home stretch,” announced Peter about an hour before their Defense Against the Dark Arts theoretical exam the following Wednesday. He had the wide-eyed, rather manic expression that distinguished the fifth year O.W.L. student. They’d been at their exams for over a week now, and though it had become somewhat ritualized — the harrowing written exam in the morning, followed by the slightly more drama-filled practical exam in the afternoon — the students were all beginning to feel very oppressed.</p><p>O.W.L.s had certainly lived up to their promise of being absolutely brutal. Two weeks of nothing but scooping out every last scrap of knowledge they’d hoarded over five years of education had left many of their number broken husks of a scholar, trudging around the castle with vacant, empty eyes, muttering the incantations of Cheering Charms under their breaths. But, as Peter had rather desperately pointed out, they were, in fact, in the home stretch. They only had three days of examination left: Defense Against the Dark Arts on Wednesday, Transfiguration on Thursday, and Arithmancy on Friday. </p><p>And then, for better or worse, it was all over.</p><p>Thank Merlin.</p><p>On the whole, James reflected as he followed the mass of students back into the Great Hall once again for their Defense Against the Dark Arts written exam, he thought he’d done rather decently so far. Still, he couldn’t <em>quite</em> extinguish a faint tinge of nausea at the thought of receiving his examination results over the summer. What if his grades weren’t good enough? What if all his friends did better than him, and he alone couldn’t continue on to N.E.W.T.-level studies? What if Sirius got straight O’s, and he, James, barely scraped Acceptable? He’d thought his Potions exam went well enough, but what if he was wrong? What if it had actually been a disaster?</p><p>He shook his head slightly at this burst of silliness. The anxiety surrounding O.W.L.s was infectious, that was all. He knew he’d done perfectly fine. He certainly hadn’t done any worse than Peter, and anyway, they still had Transfiguration tomorrow, and that was where James really shone.</p><p>James watched as Professor Flitwick turned the great hourglass over, then he flipped his exam paper and began to write.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Five more minutes!”</p><p>The sound of quills desperately scratching across parchment filled the Great Hall as the fifth years finished up their Defense Against the Dark Arts exam. James set his quill down with a sense of relief and mild frustration. He was as good as done anyway. What use was there in agonizing over what he couldn’t remember? It was stupid, because he was sure he’d recall the counter-curse in the heat of a duel; what did it matter if he knew he exact theory? He pulled the parchment towards him, his eyes lingering on question seven one last time as he probed the corners of his mind. <em>Why</em> couldn’t he remember? Oh well, it would have to do.</p><p>He yawned and mussed his hair, throwing a quick glance at Flitwick before turning to grin at Sirius, who gave him a lazy thumbs-up in return. He looked completely relaxed, unfazed by the whole ordeal. James was sure <em>he</em> hadn’t struggled with question seven.</p><p>To distract himself from this pointless agitation, James picked up his quill again and began to doodle a Snitch on a spare scrap of parchment. All around him, his classmates were frantically scribbling away, trying to make use of every last minute. </p><p>James glanced over to where Lily was sitting, a few seats ahead. She appeared to be nearly finished, running a finger over her parchment, her lips moving slightly as she reread her answers. The high of their last true interaction had not yet left him. She had studied with him in the hospital wing for nearly an hour. <em>An hour!</em> You didn’t study boring old History of Magic with someone for an <em>hour</em> unless you liked them at least a little bit. Of this, at least, he was confident. Sure, she hadn’t agreed to go out with him when he’d asked, but she hadn’t outright said no, either. </p><p><em>And</em> she’d blushed.</p><p>Merlin, he loved making her blush.</p><p>“Quills down, please!” called Professor Flitwick from the front of the Great Hall. “That means you too, Stebbins! Please remain seated while I collect your parchment. <em>Accio!</em>”</p><p>James jolted back to attention as his examination flew off his desk along with a hundred others; the great mass of parchment hit the minute Charms professor with such a force that he toppled over. Behind him, James heard Sirius’s bark of laughter. He watched as Lily and a few other students near the front hurried to help their professor back to his feet.</p><p>“Thank you…thank you,” said the winded Flitwick. “Very well, everybody, you’re free to go!”</p><p>James glanced back down at his scrap of parchment and realized with some embarrassment that he’d been mindlessly doodling the letters L.E. next to the Snitch. He hurriedly scratched them out before jumping to his feet, hoping no one had noticed. He threw one last furtive glance at Lily, who was chatting encouragingly with a depressed-looking Mary Macdonald, then he turned to find his friends. </p><p>“Ten down, two to go,” he said brightly as Sirius approached.</p><p>“Have you forgotten our Defense practical this afternoon?” was Sirius’s sardonic response. “With math like that, you’ll surely take the Outstanding in Arithmancy.”</p><p>“Oh, shut up and enjoy my optimism,” said James.</p><p>They followed the crowd towards the entrance hall, picking up Remus and Peter on the way. James’s eyes occasionally flicked towards the group of girls ahead of them. He couldn’t help himself. The swish of Lily’s red hair in the crowd caught his eye and drew him in every time. </p><p>“Did you like question ten, Moony?” said Sirius, and James pulled his attention back to his friends with a faint sense of unease. Question ten. That had been the one about werewolves. Why was he bringing <em>that</em> up? Any mention of Remus’s lycanthropy was a touchy subject these days — but when it came to relations with Remus, Sirius seemed to have traversed from desperately apologetic to vaguely pugilistic. It was almost as if Sirius hoped to goad his friend into the blow-out confrontation he felt they never got to have. For which, James reflected, Sirius now blamed <em>him</em>.</p><p>“I should never have let you go up and talk to him first,” Sirius had told James a few weeks ago, after complaining that Remus was still icing him out. </p><p>“I told you,” James had countered, “he was still really upset, he needed to—”</p><p>“What he <em>needed</em> was to get it out of his system! Shout at me, fucking hit me if that would help. But now I’ve missed the window, and he’s just going to…Moony at me. Eternally.”</p><p>“Moony at you? What’s that supposed mean?”</p><p>“You know. Be all emotionless and repressed. ‘It’s fine.’ Fucking bollocks.”</p><p>Perhaps Sirius was right and Remus <em>did</em> need to fully express his fury before they could all move on, but James was not sure the afternoon break between O.W.L. exams was the ideal time or place to do this.</p><p>Remus, however, responded to the subtle jab with resolute Moony-ness. “Loved it,” he said simply. “‘Give five signs that identify the werewolf.’ Excellent question.”</p><p>James decided to play along. “D’you think you managed to get all the signs?”</p><p>“Think I did,” said Remus with a scholarly nod. “One: He’s sitting on my chair. Two: He’s wearing my clothes. Three: His name’s Remus Lupin…”</p><p>They all laughed, except Peter, who’d scrunched up his face in apparent cogitation and said, “I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes, and the tufted tail, but I couldn’t think what else—”</p><p>“How thick are you, Wormtail?” said James. “You run round with a werewolf once a month—”</p><p>“Keep your voice down,” hissed Remus, glancing around them nervously.</p><p>But no one was paying attention. James knew they weren’t. Everyone was wrapped up in their own conversations, delighted to be done with exams for at least the next hour, eager to get out into the sun. The boys followed the throng out of the castle and down the sloping lawn towards the lake, smooth as glass in the glistening sunlight, where crowds of students were enthusiastically settling in to enjoy their brief, exam-free hour.</p><p>“Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake,” said Sirius as they strolled along. “I’ll be surprised if I don’t get Outstanding on it at least.”</p><p>“Me too,” said James, trying not to think about question seven.</p><p>Once again, as though they’d been magnetized, James’s eyes sought out Lily — yes, there she was, with a group of Gryffindor girls headed for the lake. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the Golden Snitch he’d stuffed there for just this opportunity.</p><p>“Where’d you get that?” asked Sirius.</p><p>“Nicked it,” said James. He glanced at Lily again. Who knew, maybe Sirius was right. Maybe she <em>did</em> have a thing for Seekers.</p><p>The four friends settled themselves in the shadow of a great beech tree, which pleased James because it meant the girls by the lake remained in his line of sight. Lily was sitting on the bank now, laughing at something Mary was saying as she unlaced her shoes. She dipped her toes into the water and leaned back on her elbows, tilting her face up towards the sun, her dark red hair tumbling over her shoulders.</p><p>James let the Snitch fly out of his hand before snatching it cleanly out of the air at the last moment. He glanced back to the lake. Lily hadn’t noticed. He did this a few more times, but no one paid him any attention except for Peter, who cheered every time James made the catch. Well, at least <em>someone</em> appreciated his excellent reflexes, and maybe his applause would catch Lily’s attention and make her look over…</p><p>“Put that away, will you?” said Sirius. “Before Wormtail wets himself from excitement.”</p><p>“If it bothers you,” replied James with a shrug. He glanced back at the lake: Lily was now absorbed in her notes and definitely not paying him the slightest mind. He stuffed the Snitch back in his pocket. It beat its wings frantically against the fabric of his robes, and James felt a bit stupid.</p><p>Sirius sighed deeply. “I’m bored. Wish it was a full moon.”</p><p>There he went again. Was he <em>trying</em> to ruin the afternoon? James glanced at Remus, who had already buried himself in his Transfiguration textbook. </p><p>“You might,” came Remus’s dark reply, and for a moment James was afraid Sirius was going to get the confrontation he so desired. The air around them had gone stale again, still polluted by the memory of the last full moon, and what Sirius had done…</p><p>But then Remus deflected. “We’ve still got Transfiguration,” he said. “If you’re bored, you could test me…Here.”</p><p>He held out his book like a peace offering.</p><p>Sirius looked annoyed. “I don’t need to look at that rubbish,” he said with a disparaging snort. “I know it all.”</p><p>James gazed thoughtfully out across the grounds, carefully considering his next move. Sirius was clearly itching for a fight, but though his friend seemed convinced that clearing the air, however contentiously, would help matters with Remus, James rather thought Sirius was tugging a bit too aggressively at the last tattered thread of their friendship. </p><p>He was just about to offer some inane, humorous remark, a way to lighten the atmosphere, distracting them all from the unpleasant subject on which he knew each boy was now ruminating, when something caught his eye and his stomach lurched with special loathing: Skulking across the lawn was none other than Severus Snape. The impetus of all this unpleasantness, the reason for this moment of discord between his friends.</p><p>“This’ll liven you up, Padfoot,” said James in a low voice. “Look who it is…”</p><p>Sirius turned, and his lip curled. “Excellent. <em>Snivellus</em>.”</p><p>Next to him, Peter sat up a bit straighter, watching with anticipation as James called out across the lawn, “All right, Snivellus?”</p><p>The past few weeks of inter-house warfare had clearly prepared Snape for this moment, for he reacted instantaneously, in the blink of an eye, his wand half-raised, a curse on his tongue — but James was faster.</p><p>
  <em>“Expelliarmus!”</em>
</p><p>Snape’s wand zoomed into the air, landing ten feet away on the grass. Sirius laughed loudly as Snape made a desperate dive for the wand. <em>“Impedimenta!”</em> he said, and Snape tripped, falling face first onto the grass.</p><p>James and Sirius both stood at once and walked over to the Slytherin boy, their wands raised. James shot a quick glance over his shoulder towards the lake as he went. Lily was not paying any attention, so he turned back and looked down at Snape, feeling a fresh wave of spite. This miserable, pathetic, slimy little git had tried to get him expelled, had done his best to expose Remus’s secret to the whole school, and had nearly got the boy condemned to execution in the process. He’d joined up with a Dark Arts-worshipping gang and played his part in beating the shit out of Sirius. And — worst of all — this useless, deceitful, greasy Death Eater wannabe had the absolute <em>gall</em> to fancy Lily Evans, a girl — a <em>Muggle-born</em> girl! — so far out of his slimy little league that the very idea of it was an insult to nature.</p><p>James relished in the intensity of this loathing. It was comfortable. Reassuring. <em>Righteous</em>. For James Potter knew that there were good people and bad people in the world. Severus Snape was one of the bad ones.</p><p>“How’d the exam go, Snivelly?” said James, twirling his wand casually in his hand, peripherally aware that a crowd of onlookers was beginning to gather. </p><p>“I was watching him,” said Sirius, “his nose was touching the parchment. There’ll be great grease marks all over it, they won’t be able to read a word.”</p><p>A few of the nearby students laughed at this, and James smirked.</p><p>Snape, still struggling under the jinx, glared up at James with an expression that indicated any loathing James felt towards him was returned tenfold. “You — wait,” breathed Snape into the dirt.</p><p>“Wait for what?” said Sirius disdainfully. “What’re you going to do, Snivelly, wipe your nose on us?”</p><p>At this, Snape spewed a stream of curses and hexes and swears, and James was pretty sure he heard the words ‘blood traitors’ among them. “Wash out your mouth,” he said harshly. <em>“Scourgify!”</em> And he watched with satisfaction as a froth of pink soap filled the boy’s mouth. Snape gagged as bubbles gushed from his lips. Served him right. <em>Blood traitors.</em> The bastard.</p><p>“Leave him ALONE!”</p><p>James and Sirius both turned at once to see Lily approaching from the lake. James’s heart leapt as quickly as his hand to his hair. “All right, Evans?” he said pleasantly.</p><p>He could almost feel Sirius rolling his eyes beside him, but James’s attention was now entirely focused on the lovely redhead who was giving him a distinctly unfriendly glare.</p><p>“Leave him alone,” she said coldly. “What’s he done to you?”</p><p>James felt that he had a number of very compelling answers to this question, but none that he could air publicly, so instead he said in mock deliberation, “Well, it’s more the fact that he <em>exists</em>, if you know what I mean.”</p><p>Everyone around them laughed — everyone but Lily, whose expression had grown colder still. “You think you’re funny,” she said, “but you’re just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him <em>alone</em>.”</p><p>“I will if you go out with me, Evans,” countered James, throwing caution to the wind. “Go on…go out with me, and I’ll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.”</p><p>Lily stared at him, her eyes widening ever-so-slightly. Then she snapped: “I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid.” </p><p>“Bad luck, Prongs,” said Sirius carelessly, but James, who had been creatively turned down by Lily quite a few times now, did not take this too much to heart. He struggled for half-a-second to come up with a witty, charming response to Lily’s rebuff — but then Sirius shouted, “OI!” and James felt a painful, burning slice across his cheek, splattering his robes with blood. A crimson blur on his glasses. </p><p>He reacted with the first spell he could think of — one of Snape’s own: <em>Levicorpus</em>. There was a flash of light, and Snape was hanging upside down in the air. His robes spilled over his head, his skinny ghostly legs bare but for a pair of dirty-looking underpants.</p><p>Sirius and Peter roared with laughter while the crowd around them cheered. James couldn’t help but grin. The snake, hoisted up by his own curse. </p><p>“Let him down!” demanded Lily, and he couldn’t tell if he was imagining it, but for a moment, she looked as though she might smirk. She didn’t though. She just glared at him, hands on her hips.</p><p>“Certainly,” said James in a solicitous voice. He flicked his wand and Snape collapsed to the ground, robes all tangled around his face. Snape clambered to his feet, clutching his wand, but Sirius was one step ahead of him. </p><p>
  <em>“Petrificus Totalus!”</em>
</p><p>“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Lily shouted as Snape keeled over yet again. She pulled out her own wand now, and both James and Sirius regarded it with wary respect. Neither of them had forgotten her performance in Professor Dearborn’s dueling session, and neither of them particularly fancied a rematch in front of half the school.</p><p>“Ah, Evans,” said James, “don’t make me hex you.”</p><p>“Take the curse off him then,” said Lily, her wand still pointed menacingly towards them.</p><p>James let out a theatrical sigh and muttered the counter-curse, watching disdainfully as Snape got back to his feet with some effort. “There you go. You’re lucky Evans was here, Snivellus—”</p><p>“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!” spat Snape, a faint froth of bubbles still lingering on his chin.</p><p>There followed a brief, stunned silence. James’s eyes darted from Snape to Lily, who merely blinked. “Fine,” she said. “I won’t bother in the future. And I’d wash your pants if I were you, <em>Snivellus</em>.”</p><p>James stared at Lily for a half second longer — the look of mingled hurt and surprise in her eyes — then he whirled back around to Snape, his wand pointed directly at his face. “Apologize to Evans!”</p><p>But Lily, who had responded so calmly and icily to Snape, rounded on James with a surprising fury. “I don’t want <em>you</em> to make him apologize! You’re as bad as he is…”</p><p>“What?” cried James, horrified by the very suggestion. “I’d NEVER call you a — you-know-what!”</p><p>“Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can — I’m surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK.”</p><p>Then she turned on her heel and marched away.</p><p>“Evans!” called James, genuinely taken aback by the vitriol in her voice. “Hey, EVANS!”</p><p>But she didn’t look back.</p><p>James watched her go, and though she had stormed away from him plenty of times before — more times than he could count, in fact — this time felt different.</p><p>“What is it with her?” he said, trying to sound like he didn’t particularly care. Like she hadn’t just stomped all over his heart.</p><p>“Reading between the lines, I’d say she thinks you’re a bit conceited, mate,” said Sirius.</p><p>“Right,” said James, and he was suddenly acutely aware of the audience of students who’d been watching the whole altercation. A few had dispersed when Lily showed up, but there were still plenty of people to witness whatever the fuck that was. He stood still for a moment, trying to get his bearings, to figure out what the hell had just happened. He half-raised his hand to his hair, then froze.</p><p>
  <em>Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool…</em>
</p><p>He lowered his hand. He could still feel that stupid Snitch beating its wings against the pocket of his robes, and a fresh wave of embarrassment overcame him. He felt as though he was simmering in a soup of too many emotions…he was angry…and embarrassed…and a little hurt…and the gash on his cheek with still burning and dripping blood down his neck…and as far as he could tell, all of this, once again, was the fault of Severus Snape.</p><p>James jerked his wand furiously at the Slytherin boy, who was hoisted yet again into the air by his ankle. “Right,” said James, more loudly this time. He turned to the crowd of students around him, his audience. He was the ringmaster here, this was his show; he refused to feel humiliated.</p><p>“Who wants to see me take off Snivelly’s pants?”</p><p>The crowd jeered, and Peter applauded, and Sirius sniggered — but James found himself distracted by a new voice in his head: <em>You’re just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. You make me SICK.</em></p><p>Snape swung helplessly in the air. All the fight seemed to have gone out of him now that Lily had stormed away. James glowered at him, gripping his wand. Then with a grunt of frustration, he flicked the wand again, and Snape went crashing back to the earth.</p><p>James turned to Sirius. “Here you go, mate. You finish up with him. I’ve got to go deal with…whatever that was.”</p><p>He didn’t wait for a response but instead strode swiftly away across the grounds, following Lily’s path. She was way ahead of him now, but he had the advantage of longer legs and a furious determination. He caught up with her right as she reached the castle.</p><p>“Evans.”</p><p>She stopped, her back to him, and she seemed to be debating ignoring him entirely. Then she turned sharply and glared up at him. “What, Potter?”</p><p>James opened his mouth, then closed it again. He wiped away some of the blood still dripping down his cheek to buy some time. He hadn’t actually thought this far ahead.</p><p>Finally, he said: “Everything you said back there. Is that really what you think of me?”</p><p>Lily frowned at him, her brow furrowed, her jaw set. He didn’t know what he expected her to say, what he even <em>wanted</em> her to say. He supposed he hoped she might take it back, or even just make a joke and laugh it all off.</p><p>But she didn’t.</p><p>Instead, her response was brutal in its simplicity: “Yes.”</p><p>James felt as though he’d been knocked in the stomach with a Bludger.</p><p>“Well,” he said after a moment’s pause. “All right then. Don’t worry, I’ll leave you alone.”</p><p>And this time, it was James who turned and walked away.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>😳</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0053"><h2>53. The M-Word</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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<h1>LILY</h1><hr/><h2>The M-Word</h2><p>
  <em>“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”</em>
</p><p>The words were still ringing in Lily’s ears as she hurried away from the scene at the lake, the heckles of laughing students echoing behind her. Evidently Black had continued his sport; Potter had probably gone back to join. The thought made her feel slightly ill, but she didn’t turn around. Severus didn’t want her help. He’d made that very clear.</p><p>
  <em>Filthy little Mudblood.</em>
</p><p>So there it was. Severus was just like the rest of them after all, just like Avery and Rosier and Mulciber and Lestrange and all his other Death Eater pals who thought she didn’t deserve to exist. It had surprised her — and hurt her — more than she’d been prepared to deal with in font of a crowd of jeering students. After all, what do you say when your childhood best friend calls you a slur in front of half the school? How do you respond when you’re finally smacked in the face with what everyone else already knew and tried to tell you, time and time again: that your best friend thinks you’re scum based on your blood status alone, and that he has all but joined up with a hate group determined to stamp out your very existence? How do you react to that, in front of all your laughing peers?</p><p>Well, Lily’s response had been childish. <em>“I’d wash my pants if I were you, Snivellus.”</em> It had been the most hurtful thing she could think of to say, using that horrible nickname Black and Potter always called him…his very own M-word.</p><p>But it wasn’t like the M-word at all, she thought as she furiously pushed through the castle doors. It didn’t even compare.</p><p>Sunlight flooded the entrance hall, then quickly vanished as the heavy wooden doors swung shut again. The castle felt empty and abandoned, as all the students had fled its confines for a brief hour of sun. Soon they would clamor back in, cramming into the Great Hall for lunch, then spilling back into the entrance hall again, to await their Defense Against the Dark Arts practical. But for now, the corridors were quiet, and Lily drifted through them like a ghost. She wished she <em>were</em> a ghost, then she’d walk right through these stone walls and float away, far off into the highlands, all on her own. Find a new hell to haunt.</p><p>Her fury had delivered her expeditiously to the castle, but now that she was here, alone, self-doubt and recrimination had begun to set in. She couldn’t stop replaying the incident by the lake over and over again in her mind. Maybe she’d done something to deserve this outpouring of rage from Severus. Maybe she’d been self-absorbed, thoughtless, a bad friend.</p><p>Maybe he’d noticed the way she’d almost smirked when Potter had used <em>Levicorpus</em> on him. She wasn’t proud of it and she hadn’t meant to, but their last fight still hung unresolved between them — Lily scolding Severus for the creation of the spell that Potter had just used against him. It was poetic, in a way. Severus had insisted it was a laugh to be strung up by your ankle and taunted. Clearly, he didn’t think it was so funny now.</p><p>Maybe he hated her. Maybe he’d hated her for far longer than she’d even realized, the way Mary’s own resentment had built up until their friendship had been nearly destroyed. How many friends would she lose before Lily realized that <em>she</em> was the problem?</p><p>Or maybe he was just a hateful, vicious bigot like all the rest of them.</p><p>Filthy little Mudblood, he’d called her.</p><p>“But he’d said it didn’t matter,” she muttered to herself as she climbed a lonely stairwell, intent on no direction but away, away, away. “He’d promised it didn’t matter.”</p><p>She turned down another corridor, as quiet as the last, hugging her arms to her chest as she walked, lost in her own forest of memory.</p><p>
  <em>Does it make a difference, being Muggle-born?</em>
</p><p>It hadn’t been the first question Lily had asked Severus about the Wizarding world, back when she’d first learned — when <em>he’d</em> first told her — that she was a witch. She’d been far more interested in magic wands and owl post and even dementors, the existence of which had staked a strange claim on her childhood imagination. No, it hadn’t been the first question, but it had been the most important.</p><p>Lily had spent her whole childhood feeling strange and odd and like she didn’t belong anywhere. Her sister was frightened by her. Even her parents were afraid of what she could do. They’d told her to stay inside, away from the other children, to keep her strangeness to herself. So when that funny-dressed boy at the playground told her she was a witch and she would get a letter that would whisk her away to a castle to study magic, a castle full of children just like her…well, it had been a dream come true.</p><p>Until she’d started thinking about it more deeply. Then the anxiety set in. Severus knew his destiny; he knew all about magic and wizards and — and <em>everything</em>, because he’d grown up with it. His mum was a witch. Lily, on the other hand, knew nothing. What if she got to the secret magic school and everyone else, just like Severus, knew everything and she alone knew nothing? She’d be an outsider again, strange and odd and different — a <em>freak</em>.</p><p>Never, ever belonging.</p><p>The idea had tormented her; it had obsessed her, even as Petunia insisted that the Snape boy was lying, that it was all make-believe, that there was no such thing as Hogwarts or magic. So one day, as the new friends sat hidden in a sun-dazzled copse of trees by Cokeworth’s dirty snake of a river, Lily had asked him: “Does it make a difference, being Muggle-born?”</p><p>And he’d looked back at her, his black eyes earnest and excited.</p><p>“No,” he’d said, “It doesn’t make any difference.”</p><p>Lily had long since learned that this was not true — it made every difference in the world — but Lily had just thought Severus meant it didn’t make a difference to <em>him</em>.</p><p>A clear, irrefutable lie.</p><p>She stopped walking by a large recessed window and pressed herself onto its ledge. Tears were stinging hot and cruel at the corners of her eyes. She blinked them away furiously. <em>Rule number one</em>, she reminded herself. <em>Never let them see you cry</em>. But the corridor was empty, and it was no use: The tears streamed down her cheeks.</p><p>
  <em>Filthy little Mudblood.</em>
</p><p>She’d heard him say it with her own ears, saw with her own eyes the venom spewing from his lips as he spat out the slur, and yet she could hardly believe it. Surely he hadn’t meant it. Potter had been antagonizing him, and it had slipped out, but he hadn’t actually <em>meant</em> it…He was her friend, her <em>best</em> friend…</p><p>Her best friend who’d lied to her.</p><p>Her best friend who’d called her a slur and aligned himself with the very blood supremacists who wanted her dead.</p><p>Some friend.</p><p>She recalled the last time they’d spoken before exams had begun, when she’d tried to talk some sense into him about Avery and Mulciber. The way he’d flinched away from her when she’d touched his arm, as though he’d been repulsed to be close to her, as though he’d been disgusted by her. Of course, he wouldn’t want his new <em>friends</em> to see him being too chummy with a Mudblood. Y<em>ou know what they say about Muggle girls…</em>She muffled a single sob into her palm, and then, as though this act had broken the dam of her composure, she let go and wept.</p><p>She might’ve stayed there for hours, perched on that window ledge, crying herself dry…she might’ve wept all through her practical, O.W.L.s be damned…except a door creaked open and a puzzled voice said, “Lily?”</p><p>She looked up, tears still swimming in her vision. Professor Dearborn stood blurrily in the open doorway, wearing an expression of polite concern. She hadn’t even noticed she'd landed right outside his office. Perhaps her feet had taken her there intentionally, for when he asked, “Would you like to come in?” she realized that yes, she really would.</p><p>A few minutes later, Lily found herself seated in the chair across from Professor Dearborn’s desk, surreptitiously drying her eyes while her professor assembled two mugs of tea. She had almost hoped he’d offer her a cigarette again, but he didn’t, and she didn’t feel she could ask.</p><p>Lily had been to Professor Dearborn’s office several times before, and on each occasion it had been a variation of disarray. The first time she’d visited had been early in the school year and the office had been noticeably barren except for the small city of tottering stacks of books and piles of parchment. The second time, it had been vandalized — his belongings strewn across the floor, the M-word scrawled in red paint across the wall.</p><p>Today it was practically empty, save for a few packed boxes and a large, open trunk into which Dearborn seemed to be in the process of depositing his remaining belongings. Lily eyed it forlornly.</p><p>“You’re really leaving, then?” she sniffed.</p><p>“I’m afraid so.”</p><p>“It’s not fair.”</p><p>“I suppose not,” agreed Professor Dearborn, and he set a steaming mug of tea on the desk before her. She accepted it with a mumbled word of thanks as her professor dropped himself into the leather wingback chair across from her. “Now,” he said, “what’s wrong?”</p><p>Lily struggled for a moment to find the right words. Then, with a burst of temper, she announced: “I just — I hate this rotten school, and I hate everyone in it. I wish I could just leave…and no one wants me here anyway, so maybe I should!”</p><p>Dearborn, to her surprise, responded with a sad smile. “I felt much the same way when I was a student here.”</p><p>“You did?”</p><p>“Oh yes. I very nearly ran away once during my fourth year. Packed my trunk and everything.”</p><p>“What stopped you?”</p><p>“Apart from the rather harsh reality of Scottish geography?” Dearborn’s gaze drifted down to his tea for a long moment, then he let out a weary sigh. “I…had a friend. Sam. He was a pure-blood, as a matter of fact, and a bit of an idiot, but he made it all bearable. I loved him very much.” Then, as though this thought unsettled him, he stood up and crossed to the bookshelf, collected the last few tomes, and tossed them into the open trunk. “It’s always easier to stay when you’ve got a reason.”</p><p>Lily clutched her tea and thought of Mary leaving for America, of Severus calling her ‘Mudblood,’ of James asking her out in front of a crowd of jeering students like it was all a big joke, like <em>she</em> was a joke…</p><p>“What if you haven’t got a reason?” she asked. “What then?”</p><p>Dearborn considered this, leaning an elbow casually on the empty bookshelf. “Then I suppose you take a look at the hundreds of miles of rugged highland country between here and Muggle society and ask yourself if you fancy a walk.”</p><p>Lily snorted.</p><p>“Or,” continued Dearborn with a smile, “you realize you were looking for your reason in the wrong place.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“I don’t know precisely what’s brought you to tears, but I can guess. I was a Muggle-born student at Hogwarts too, remember, so let me tell you this: You don’t need anyone’s approval. You’re twice the witch they are, whoever they are, and it terrifies them. Good. They <em>should</em> be scared. You’re not ‘just as good as they are,’ you’re <em>better</em> — and don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise.”</p><p>Lily did not quite know what to say to this, so she merely sipped her tea. Then, after the awkward moment had passed, she said, “I wish you weren’t leaving. These stupid Wizard Protection Laws might not even pass…”</p><p>But Dearborn shook his head. “I only ever planned to be here a year.” There was a slight touch of bitterness in his voice as he added, “My convalescence.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” said Lily.</p><p>Dearborn sighed and sat back down in his chair. “I was wounded, before I came here. Rather badly, I must admit.”</p><p>“Was it…a Death Eater?”</p><p>“Five.”</p><p>Lily’s eyes widened.</p><p>“They cornered me, the bastards. I managed to take them out, but not without sustaining some…<em>damage</em> of my own. Spent six weeks barely conscious in St. Mungo’s, and when I finally came to, there was Professor Dumbledore at my bedside informing me that I’d just been hired as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.”</p><p>He let out a harsh laugh.</p><p>“Easiest job interview I ever had. I wasn’t keen on the position, to tell you the truth, but Dumbledore insisted. Seemed to think I wasn’t ready to be back in the field. Well…” He paused a moment to scowl at his hand; it shook ever so slightly. “I suppose he wasn’t entirely wrong.”</p><p>There was more to the story here, Lily could tell. She didn’t know what he meant by ‘back in the field,’ but she suspected he wasn’t going to elaborate. So instead she demanded: “But why do you have to go? You’re the best Defense professor we’ve had in years, I’ve learned loads more with you than any of our past teachers.”</p><p>“I appreciate you saying that.”</p><p>“It’s true! Please don’t go.”</p><p>“You won’t change my mind, Lily,” said Dearborn gently. “But I will say that contrary to my expectations, I have enjoyed being your teacher. Yours in particular. You’re one of the most talented students I’ve taught in my entire academic career.”</p><p>“You were only a teacher for one year,” Lily reminded him flatly.</p><p>Dearborn laughed. “So the scale of the compliment is small, but the intent genuine. I mean it. You’ve got a tough road ahead of you, kid. I won’t lie. But you’re a remarkable witch, and you’ll do remarkable things. Just don’t let the pure-bloods get you down.”</p><p>He finished the dregs of his tea, then glanced at his wrist. “Now, if my watch is correct, you have your Defense Against the Dark Arts practical shortly. Do me a favor, and go make them eat their words.”</p><p>Lily agreed that she would do her best and pushed back her chair. But as she headed for the door, Professor Dearborn called out: “Lily? One more thing.” She glanced back over her shoulder to see him rummaging in his desk drawer. He withdrew a pack of Benson &amp; Hedges, which he promptly tossed to her. She caught them and looked up at him, astonished.</p><p>Dearborn smiled, and it wasn’t his usual defensive, closed-off smile, but something more genuine. Honest, even. “You need them more than I do.”</p><p>Lily almost laughed. “Thank you, Professor Dearborn,” she said earnestly, and she thought they both knew she wasn’t just referring to the cigarettes.</p><p>Another smile. “Next time we meet? Call me Caradoc.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>By the time she returned to the entrance hall and joined the crowd of fifth years queuing up for their practical examination, Lily had at least regained some semblance of control over herself. The tears had dried, the jaw had set, and Professor Dearborn’s marching orders to “go make them eat their words” had outpaced “dirty little Mudblood” in the horserace of her mind.</p><p>All the same, she was grateful the fifth years were lined up alphabetically, as this kept a wide berth between her and both Severus Snape and James Potter. Professor McGonagall stood at the front of the queue, sending small groups of students into the Great Hall for their practical. Eventually, Lily was called up along with Julian Ewart-Jones, Wenyi Feng, and Phryne Flint.</p><p>Professor McGonagall directed her towards Professor Marchbanks, a tiny, ancient-looking witch who offered Lily an encouraging smile and asked her to produce a shield charm. Lily did so, and the old witch’s encouraging smile grew ever more enthusiastic as she progressed flawlessly down the list of jinxes and counter-jinxes.</p><p>Finally, after Lily had blasted a table into a tidy pile of dust with an impressive <em>Reducto</em> curse, Professor Marchbanks announced that she was free to go, and Lily left the Great Hall, her head held high as Phryne Flint fumbled over a disarming spell and accidentally turned her examiner’s hat into a budgerigar.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>James Potter showed up to dinner that night with a thick gauze taped across his cheek. He ignored her, and Lily tried to do the same, but nonetheless her eyes kept flitting back to that stretch of gauze that covered the wound Severus had slashed across his face. He’d touched it gingerly a few times throughout the meal, as though it were bothering him.</p><p>“I heard it won’t stop bleeding,” Wenyi had whispered. “Madam Pomfrey tried all the usual things, but it won’t stop bleeding.”</p><p>“That’s because Snape used Dark Magic,” said Marlene. “Cursed wounds never heal properly.”</p><p>“Snape should be expelled,” hissed Alodie.</p><p>Lily said nothing. The other girls were being surprisingly respectful of her feelings and hadn’t brought up the incident by the lake with her once. Mary had found her immediately following the practical exam and after Lily had very quickly announced that she “didn’t want to talk about it,” Mary had let the matter go. Lily wished she could do the same, but her mind — and her eyes — kept returning to James Potter.</p><p>She was pretty confident that whatever curse Severus had used on James’s face had been another of his own invention. That was probably why it was so hard to heal. She’d had half a mind to go and tell James as much, until she remembered their last encounter.</p><p>“Don’t worry,” he’d said, “I’ll leave you alone.”</p><p>It was all she’d ever wanted from him, so why did she feel so bad about it? What right did he have to make her feel bad about <em>anything?</em> Everything she’d said back at the lake was true. He <em>was</em> a mean, nasty, arrogant bully. Look how he’d treated Severus! James might call that vigilante justice, but Lily called it cruelty, plain and simple.</p><p>And then he’d had the gall to jump to her defense when Severus had spat out the M-word, as though he were any better at all. Oh sure, James had never called her the M-word — as far as she’d heard, anyway — but he certainly treated her like one. Him and everyone else in this horrible school. How often had he used her as the punchline to his cruel little jokes? Asking her out like that, in front of a crowd of laughing students!</p><p>
  <em>“Go out with me and I’ll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.”</em>
</p><p>And everyone had just laughed and laughed, because they were all in on the joke too. Lily Evans, that Muggle slut, sleeping around school and stealing boyfriends…how funny, how absolutely, riotously <em>hilarious</em> to think that perfect, pure-blood Potter would ever go out with a Mudblood like her.</p><p>Lily shoveled in a last bite of bread sauce then excused herself from the table and left the Great Hall. He had no right to make her feel guilty, she stubbornly assured herself as she climbed the stairs to her dormitory. He’d been behaving like an absolute pig, and there was no excuse for it. Still, vague self-recriminations haunted her all evening long as she sat holed up behind the curtains of her four-poster, trying to distract herself with her Transfiguration textbook.</p><p>
  <em>“Everything you said back there. Is that really what you think of me?”</em>
</p><p>After rereading a chapter on switching spells for the third time and realizing she hadn’t absorbed a word of it, Lily tossed the book away in frustration and rolled onto her side, hugging her pillow to her chest. Something sharp pressed into her thigh, and she sat up, frowning slightly as she fished into her pocket and retrieved Professor Dearborn’s pack of Benson &amp; Hedges. She pulled out one of the thin cigarettes and considered it for a long moment. She knew she really oughtn’t smoke in the dormitory, but there was no one here, and god, she needed it.</p><p>Tugging back her bed curtains, she crossed the room, unlatched the window to let in a breath of fresh evening air, and curled up on the ledge of the windowsill. Then she lit the cigarette with her wand and took a long drag.</p><p>She’d always said that one day she would tell James Potter exactly what she thought of him, and it would feel so good. So why didn’t it?</p><p>Because, she reasoned with an exhale of smoke, it <em>wasn’t</em> what she thought of him — at least, not the version of him she’d glimpsed over the past year. The boy who cared deeply for his friends, who went out of his way to protect those friends, who had, unless she was very much mistaken, risked his own life to save Severus from being mauled to death by a werewolf.</p><p>She didn’t know how to reconcile <em>that</em> boy with the cruel, bullying Potter she’d seen on full display down by the lake. They seemed to her to be two different people entirely.</p><p>“Are you crying?”</p><p>Lily jerked to attention, nearly dropping her cigarette as she turned to see Marlene McKinnon frowning in the doorway. Lily hastily wiped her eyes with the back of her knuckles; she hadn’t even realized the tears had returned.</p><p>“Your practical didn’t go <em>that</em> poorly, did it?” said Marlene. “Are you smoking again? You really shouldn’t do that in here, it’s nasty—”</p><p>“What do you want, Marlene?” said Lily, rather snappishly.</p><p>Marlene blinked. “It’s my dormitory too, you know. I’m getting my Transfiguration notes.”</p><p>“Well, fine.” Lily turned back to the window. “Go on and get them. Have a blast.”</p><p>Marlene stood by the dormitory door for a moment, hovering as though she wanted to say something else, but then she walked over to her bed without another word, collected her things, and left. The door clicked shut behind her.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>“Marlene said you were hiding up here.”</p><p>Lily, now on her second cigarette, pulled her gaze from the window to see Mary enter the dormitory, a somber look on her face, eyes obscured behind the gleam of her new glasses.</p><p>“I’m not hiding,” said Lily with a petulant puff of smoke.</p><p>Mary raised her eyebrows.</p><p>“Oh all right. I’m sort of hiding,” Lily conceded after a moment. She stubbed out the remainder of her cigarette and turned back to Mary. “If you’ve come say ‘I told you so,’ now is the appropriate time.”</p><p>“I wasn’t going to,” said Mary, and she walked over and took a seat beside Lily on the window ledge.</p><p>“Fine,” said Lily, “then I’ll say it for you. You told me so! Everyone told me so. For years and years — and I ignored them. I’m so <em>stupid</em>.”</p><p>Mary shook her head. “No, you’re not. You…you try to see the best in people. Even when others can’t. That’s brave, not stupid.”</p><p>“Are you sure?” sniffed Lily. “Because I feel like a fool right now. Filthy little Mudblood he called me, Mary.” Her voice cracked slightly. Though it had replayed in her head all day, she had not yet said those words out loud.</p><p>Mary winced, and they sat in silence for a moment, the horribleness of what Severus had done hanging between them like a fog.</p><p>“Is this my fault?” said Lily at last in a small voice.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Because I’m a bad friend.”</p><p>“What are you talking about?” demanded Mary. “You’re not a bad friend.”</p><p>“Yes, I am. I was a bad friend to you, and I must’ve been a bad friend to Severus. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own self-absorbed nonsense that I didn’t even see he was becoming a Death Eater right under my stupid, self-obsessed nose.”</p><p>“Stop it,” said Mary firmly. “No, I mean it — stop. I won’t let you sit here and beat yourself up over <em>him</em>. Whatever Snape becomes, that’s on him. You didn’t make make him call you the M-word, and you didn’t make him sign up for Death Eater Day Camp. He has free will, he chose his own path. It’s not your fault he’s an evil bastard.”</p><p>“He’s not though,” insisted Lily, an almost desperate whine to her voice that embarrassed her. “He’s not evil. I know what everyone says, and I know he’s hanging around evil people, and I don’t know why, but I just think he’s in over his head and — oh god.” She buried her face in her hands. “Listen to me. 'There she goes again,' you’re probably thinking. Just shut up and accept the truth, Lily.”</p><p>Mary sighed. “I’m thinking how lucky Snape was to have you as a friend, and what a colossal idiot he is to choose the likes of Mulciber over you.”</p><p>Tears were leaking at the corners of Lily’s eyes again; she brushed them impatiently away.</p><p>“You’re not a bad friend, Lily,” said Mary gently, squeezing her hand. “You’re <em>my</em> friend, and I have exceptionally good taste. And maybe Severus was a decent friend to you once, but…” she hesitated. “Lily, he called you the M-word. In front of <em>everyone</em>. And he said it without thinking, which means he says it all the time. You don’t just let something like that slip out when you’re upset if it’s not already on your tongue.”</p><p>Lily stared at her knees. She knew Mary was right. Just because she’d never heard him say it to her didn’t mean he hadn’t called other Muggle-borns the M-word behind her back. Of course he did, if he was hanging around Avery and Mulciber.</p><p>He wasn’t her friend anymore, if he ever truly had been.</p><p>Lily looked up at Mary and her heart broke a little. Mary and Sev were the only ones who had stuck by her during some of the worst moments of her life…and here was another friend she was losing, as Mary’s father had not changed his mind about sending his daughter to the safety of the States.</p><p>“What am I going to do without you, Mary?”</p><p>“It’s not like I’m dying. They have owls in America. Big ones! Or maybe I’ll send you a letter with a bald eagle.”</p><p>“Petunia would have a heart attack,” Lily snorted. “…Do it.”</p><p>Mary smiled, then her expression faltered. “Look, I don’t really want to tell you this, but I feel like I ought to. Snape is outside the common room.”</p><p>Lily sat up a little straighter, alarmed. “What?”</p><p>“He says he wants to talk to you. I told him to leave, but he won’t. He’s threatening to sleep there.”</p><p>“I’m not talking to him. I have nothing to say to him.”</p><p>“Okay,” said Mary, looking slightly relieved. “I just thought you should know. It might get ugly, if the wrong people find him.”</p><p>That was true. Black and Potter were hardly the only Gryffindors who would take pleasure in hexing a Slytherin on their own turf, but she wasn’t Severus’s keeper. She wasn’t even his friend, apparently. If he was stupid enough to stake out Gryffindor Tower…</p><p>“I don’t care,” she said firmly, more to herself than to Mary. “Let him sleep there, for all the good it will do him.”</p><p>Mary gave her hand another squeeze. “Are you sure you won’t come down to the common room for a bit? I know we’re supposed to be studying, but Veronica nicked some marshmallows for toasting and Kenny Kirk’s on in a few…”</p><p>“No thanks,” said Lily. “I think I’m just going to go to bed.”</p><p>So Mary left, and Lily turned back to the window, trying not to think about Severus waiting on the other side of the portrait hole. What could he possibly have to say to her? She gazed at her own reflection in the window, a scatter of stars across her skin, and for a moment, the young woman who stared back seemed an utter stranger to that earnest, hopeful little girl who had once asked the question:</p><p>
  <em>Does it make a difference, being Muggle-born?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No. It doesn’t make any difference. </em>
</p><p>“Liar,” said Lily to no one.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0054"><h2>54. The Prince's Path</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p>
  
</p><h1>SEVERUS</h1><hr/><h2>The Prince's Path</h2><p>“We did it!” Lily cried, slightly breathless as she and Severus walked across the crisp autumn grounds. “We finished our first week of classes at Hogwarts. Go team us!”</p><p>She did a little twirl of celebration, her robes and deep red locks flying out behind her. Severus couldn’t help but smile as he watched her. It was true — they’d finished a whole week at Hogwarts, and he already felt like a different person. He was eleven, and he’d always felt small and weak and miserable in Cokeworth, but here, a first year at Hogwarts in Slytherin House, he could almost taste his incredible, inevitable greatness.</p><p>There was just one thing wrong.</p><p>“Wish you’d been picked for Slytherin,” he said, and Lily stopped twirling.</p><p>“Me too,” she said sadly, “but Gryffindor doesn’t seem so bad. Though they don’t like Slytherin much, I’ll tell you that.”</p><p>Severus stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Well, Slytherin doesn’t like Gryffindor either.”</p><p>“Anyway, Sirius Black says I couldn’t be in Slytherin even if I wanted to because I’m Muggle-born.”</p><p>“Black…” mused Severus. “Everyone was talking about him in the common room. Apparently it was a big shock, him getting sorted into Gryffindor.”</p><p>Severus had quickly learned that Sirius Black, the boy who had taunted him on the train, was from one of the most important, powerful families in Britain. His sorting into Gryffindor was nothing short of scandal. It brought Severus a certain satisfaction to hear his housemates disparage the boy who had mocked him. Black may have thought himself superior to Severus Snape, the skinny little half-blood nobody, but all of Slytherin House thought Sirius Black was now a pathetic blood traitor, and their opinion mattered far more to Severus.</p><p>“I thought you said it doesn’t make any difference.”</p><p>“What?” said Severus, whose thoughts were still simmering over Sirius Black.</p><p>“You <em>said</em> it doesn’t make any difference, being Muggle-born.”</p><p>Lily was staring at him intently, a slightly accusatory look in her bright green eyes. Severus looked away, kicking at little piles of leaves along their path and watching as they fluttered away. “It doesn’t. At least — all right, look, there are some Wizarding families who hate Muggles — like the Blacks, they’re famous for it. People like Sirius Black don’t like people like us.”</p><p>A shiver of pleasure coursed through him at these words. The ‘us’ was intoxicating.</p><p>“Why wouldn’t they like me?” said Lily, frowning. “They don’t even know me!” Tiny pinpricks of tears had appeared at the corners of her eyes. “I thought it would be different here, but it’s just the same. I’m a freak at home and a freak a school.”</p><p>“But who cares what they think?” said Severus hurriedly. “Idiots like Black and Potter. You saw them on the train. Big, puffed-up ponces, if you ask me.”</p><p>Lily sniffed. “I guess.”</p><p>He watched her hungrily as he asked his next question, the one that had been plaguing him all week: “We’re still friends, right? Even though I’m in Slytherin and you’re in Gryffindor? We’ll still be friends?”</p><p>She blinked in surprise, as though the thought of <em>not</em> being friends had never even occurred to her. Then she smiled and wove her arm through his.</p><p>“<em>Best</em> friends,” she corrected him. “Always.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The cold stone floor was growing painful as Severus sat with his face buried in his hands outside the entrance to the Gryffindor common room. The fat woman in the portrait behind him occasionally clucked her tongue in disapproval, but Severus ignored her.</p><p>He’d been here for hours. He wouldn’t leave until he’d spoken to Lily. He’d sleep here if he had to. He’d said as much to her friend Mary MacSomething, who’d looked at him like he was a cockroach as she climbed through the hidden entrance behind the portrait. He’d had half a mind to try and follow her in, but desperate as he was, he was not quite so foolish as to enter a den of Gryffindors alone. It was dangerous enough being out here. If the wrong person found him…but he didn’t care. He had to talk to Lily.</p><p>Severus scrunched up his face, pressing his palms against his eyelids until sharp little lights swam before his vision. Of all the things that had happened this year — all the horrors and humiliations — this afternoon had been the worst. Never mind the mortification Potter and Black had forced upon him; Severus would never, ever, for the rest of his life forget the look on Lily's face when he’d said…<em>that</em>. She’d kept her features still and expressionless, because that’s what five years at Hogwarts had taught her to do, but Severus knew her best — better than anyone — and he knew to look at her eyes. And what he saw there cut him deeper than <em>Sectumsempra</em> ever could.</p><p><em>Why</em> had he said that? He hadn’t meant to, it had just slipped out. Was that true? Did it even matter? He’d just been so angry…at Black and Potter, yes, but also at her. The way she’d gigged at Potter’s bedside, the way she’d defended Potter while telling Severus off for the company <em>he</em> kept, the way she’d bought into the ridiculous lie that Potter had saved his life…the way she’d given Potter his stolen spells…and then watched as that swine used <em>Levicorpus</em> against <em>him</em>, the spell’s own creator. In a way, that had been <em>her</em> fault…</p><p>But she had just made a mistake, giving Potter those spells, he could see that now. He knew she hadn’t done it viciously — or possibly even willingly! Who knew what lengths Potter had gone to to get his greedy little hands on them. It had all been a mistake. People make mistakes all the time. They do and say things they don’t mean. And he’d forgive her that mistake, he would…he just had to beg her forgiveness first.</p><p>If he could just talk to her, he could make her understand. He hadn’t meant to call her Mudblood, it had been a mistake. He hadn’t been in his right mind, furious, and humiliated, and…and…</p><p>“What are you doing here, Severus?”</p><p>Severus wrenched his face from his hands to see that Lily had climbed out of the portrait hole and was glaring down at him, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. She was wearing her dressing gown, pale blue and rather worn, and her eyes were puffy as though she’d been crying.</p><p>Severus scrambled to his feet. “Lily!”</p><p>He took a step toward her. She took a step back.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” she repeated, and her voice was cold.</p><p>“I — I came to apologize.”</p><p>“That was stupid. You’re lucky you haven’t been Spellotaped up to the wall like Mulciber. You should leave.”</p><p>“I’m not leaving until you hear me out,” insisted Severus. “You <em>have</em> to hear me out.”</p><p>“I don’t <em>have</em> to do anything,” was Lily’s sharp response. “You’re lucky I came out at all. I wasn’t going to.”</p><p>Severus gaped at her, trying to find the right words. He should’ve planned this better, mapped out what he would say, how he would apologize, how he would make her understand that it hadn’t been him, it hadn’t been his fault, it was because of Black and Potter that he’d said it in the first place…</p><p>“It was a mistake,” he said at last, because he couldn’t come up with anything better.</p><p>“No kidding,” said Lily coolly.</p><p>“I mean — I didn’t <em>mean</em> to — I was angry, and — and — and you saw what they were doing to me!”</p><p>“Yeah, Sev, I did. Maybe you recall the part where I tried to stop them and you called me a slur.”</p><p>“I didn’t mean to.”</p><p>“But you did. And frankly, I’m not interested in having this conversation. As far as I can tell, you and I have nothing else to say to each other.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” said Severus, and he was. He was sorrier than he thought he'd ever been about anything in his life. Surely she could see that. Surely she understood.</p><p>But Lily just shrugged. “I’m not interested.”</p><p>“I’m sorry!”</p><p>“Save your breath. I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here.”</p><p>“I was. I would have done.” His words tumbled out in earnest desperation, as though this willingness to suffer on her behalf would convince her of his commitment, would force her to see reason. “I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just—”</p><p>“Slipped out?” Lily finished the sentence for him, and her words hit him like a slap across the face. He winced. “It’s too late,” said Lily. “I’ve made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends.”</p><p>Severus had opened his mouth to argue before she’d even finished speaking, but that last sentence threw him for a loop, and he simply stood there, his mouth slightly agape, struggling to formulate a response that hadn’t yet come.</p><p>“You see, you don’t even deny it!” said Lily, her voice rising in frustration. “You don’t even deny that’s what you’re all aiming to be! You can’t wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?”</p><p>Severus knew he should disavow this, but Mulciber’s sly voice whispered in his ear: <em>Think it over. Power like you’ve never dreamed. You wouldn’t have to be afraid of anything with the Death Eaters on your side</em>…She didn’t understand. It wasn’t about blood supremacy, even Mulciber said so. If he could just make her understand —</p><p>But he didn’t have time to make her understand, because Lily was shaking her head in disgust. “I can’t pretend anymore,” she said. “You’ve chosen your way, I’ve chosen mine.”</p><p>Chosen? When had Severus Snape ever had a choice? His whole life, he’d felt bullied and buffeted by the winds of fate. He knew his destiny, he knew his incredible, inevitable greatness, and yet his whole life had been bent to capricious whims of powers greater than his own — his dirty Muggle father and his fists, Black and Potter and their unending onslaught of ‘jokes’, their hateful Headmaster with his prejudice and favoritism…It was all well and good for someone like Lily to talk about choice, but he, Severus, had never had any path to follow but the one his feet already stubbornly tread.</p><p>“No —” Severus began, because Lily looked as though she were about to leave. His voice shook with desperation. “Listen, I didn’t mean—”</p><p>“— to call me Mudblood? But you call everyone of my birth Mudblood, Severus. Why should I be any different?”</p><p>Why should she be different? Because she <em>was</em> different. She was different from everyone — everyone he’d ever met, everyone he ever <em>would</em> meet. Because she was special. Because — because — because he <em>loved</em> her!</p><p>But with a last scornful look, Lily turned on her heel and climbed back through the portrait hole. The painting of the Fat Lady swung shut with a thud of finality, and Lily Evans, his Lily, his <em>best friend</em>, always…was gone.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Just a wee little moment for Severus to grieve his greatest fuck up...</p><p>Eagle-eyed readers have noticed that the chapter count increased from 54 to 55 -- that's because I made a number of structural changes early on in posting and never thought to update the chapter count on AO3...until I was a few chapters out from the end and suddenly realized the math didn't work haha. I thought I could just sneakily update it and no one would notice, but y'all noticed and I'm impressed 😂😂</p><p>Anyway, Monday's chapter is indeed the last chapter of this book, and hoooo boy do I have some feelings about that. 😭</p><p>See you Monday... 😳</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0055"><h2>55. The Oath</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/>
<p>
  
</p><h1>SIRIUS</h1>
<hr/>
<h2>The Oath</h2>
<p>“I, James Fleamont Potter—”</p>
<p>“James <em>what</em> now?”</p>
<p>“Hey, are we or are we not in the middle of a sacred ritual? You can mock my middle name later.”</p>
<p>“Fine, fine. Carry on, <em>Fleamont</em>,” snickered Sirius.</p>
<p>It was nearly one in the morning, and the four second year boys sat on the floor of their dormitory, surrounded by a circle of candles that James had painstakingly set up for the so-called ‘sacred ritual.’ Candles, he’d insisted, were an important part of oath-taking. Sirius was not convinced that James knew anything about proper oath-taking, but he played along all the same. He'd just turned thirteen and he liked a good drama as much as the next boy.</p>
<p>Outside, a great clap of thunder made all four boys jump. James had also insisted the ritual take place during a thunderstorm. That was important, for some reason Sirius couldn’t work out but suspected had more to do with ambience than mystical covenant.</p>
<p>James began again, the candlelight flickering in the reflection of his glasses: “<em>I</em>, James Fleamont Potter, do solemnly swear that I will never, ever, upon pain of death—”</p>
<p>“Or threat of torture?” suggested Sirius.</p>
<p>“Or <em>actual</em> torture, be it detention with McGonagall—”</p>
<p>“Or a snogging session with Snivellus—”</p>
<p>“Gross,” said Peter.</p>
<p>“—or some hitherto unknown dread horror—”</p>
<p>“Good ritual word, ‘hitherto.’”</p>
<p>“—will never, ever, <em>ever</em>, under any circumstances, reveal to any person that Remus John—”</p>
<p>“See, that’s a reasonable middle name, John.”</p>
<p>“—<em>John</em> Lupin is a werewolf.” </p>
<p>At this, the boys fell silent and looked to Remus, who went slightly pink. The word ‘werewolf’ had reminded them of the seriousness of their oath. Thirteen days had passed since Sirius, James, and Peter had confronted Remus with their theory. With <em>Sirius’s</em> theory, for he’d been the one to work it out. Once he’d started paying attention, it had been obvious: the way the boy’s disappearances aligned with the full moon, the fresh scars upon his face when he returned…Remus John Lupin was indeed a werewolf.</p>
<p>“Cool,” Sirius had said, because he hadn’t known what else to say, because he’d wanted to be someone who reacted to such news with unflappable calm, because <em>he’d</em> wanted to be cool.</p>
<p>“Cool?” Remus had said, the look of panic on his face temporarily edged out to make room for pure bewilderment. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” James had jumped in. “We don’t care that you’re a werewolf.” He’d looked from Peter to Sirius. “Right?”</p>
<p>“Right,” squeaked Peter, who always said whatever James told him to.</p>
<p>“Right,” said Sirius, who, though he’d never admit it, always did the same.</p>
<p>But Remus hadn’t believed them. He’d grown quieter, more reclusive, more nervous in their presence, until at last James had confronted him yet again and worked out that Remus was convinced they’d spill his secret to the rest of the school, forcing him to leave. So James had proposed an oath, such that each boy might swear his dedication to protect this one unspeakable secret. Which was why the four boys now sat on the floor of their dormitory in the middle of a thunderstorm, a circle of candles binding them, as each boy repeated the oath: “I, Sirius Orion Black, do solemnly swear that I will never, ever, <em>ever</em>…”</p>
<p>Once they’d all completed this task, James moved on to the next step. “Okay, now we’ve all got to spit in our hands.”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Gross.”</p>
<p>“Just do it. It’s part of the ritual!”</p>
<p>“You’re making this up.”</p>
<p>“No, I’m not! Now spit in your hand.”</p>
<p>Sirius shrugged and spat a great glob of saliva into his palm; he watched as James and Peter did the same. </p>
<p>“You too, Remus,” said James.</p>
<p>“Really?” said Remus.</p>
<p>“Go on.”</p>
<p>Remus looked doubtful, but he too spat into his palm. </p>
<p>“Good,” said James. “Now we shake hands.”</p>
<p>“With who?” said Sirius. “There’s four of us. Do we just take turns, or what?”</p>
<p>“Erm…” James thought for a moment, scratching his nose; he clearly hadn’t planned this bit out. “With Remus,” he said at last. “It’s his secret, we should all shake hands with him.”</p>
<p>“Really?” said Remus again. He didn’t look terribly thrilled by the prospect of three spitty handshakes.</p>
<p>“Gimme your hand,” demanded James, and Remus reluctantly extended his arm into the circle. “I solemnly swear,” James said, grasping the other boy’s hand and looking him directly in the eye with sacramental intensity. </p>
<p>“Okay,” said Remus awkwardly.</p>
<p>James turned to Peter, who leaned forward and shook Remus’s hand as well. “I solemnly swear,” agreed Peter.</p>
<p>Then it was Sirius’s turn. He looked at Remus, who sat cross-legged on the floor before him, shoulders slightly hunched in embarrassment at the whole ordeal. They’d been friends for a year and a half, which was both forever and hardly any time at all. For a year and a half they’d shared their classes, their meals, their dormitory. They’d lobbed dungbombs into the Slytherin dormitory together, they’d gotten detention for sneaking out past curfew. They’d cheered for Quidditch matches, they’d stayed up late in the common room plotting incredible, impossible adventures. </p>
<p>And thirteen days ago Remus had confirmed that he was, in fact, a werewolf. That he’d been a werewolf the whole time. </p>
<p>
  <em>We don’t care that you’re a werewolf.</em>
</p>
<p>James hadn’t even hesitated. “He’s our friend,” James had said, when Sirius had raised his suspicions. “Let’s just ask him.”</p>
<p>And so they had — and until the moment that Remus, white-faced and shaking, had admitted the truth, Sirius had desperately hoped he had it wrong. Because what would happen next? Normal people weren’t supposed to be around werewolves. That’s what his dad always said. That’s what <em>everyone</em> always said. It wasn’t as though Sirius suspected Remus would attack him in his sleep or anything ridiculous like that — look at the boy, he was basically the human equivalent of a cable knit jumper — but people said you could contract Lycanthropy by proximity — through body fluids, a bit of blood, a stray scratch, a spray of saliva.</p>
<p>Then again, Sirius had read a lot of books on Lycanthropy in the last thirteen days and all of them insisted that this was not true, that a werewolf could only transmit his disease under the light of the full moon. And if that were the case, it meant that for most days Remus Lupin, the boy he’d been friends with for a year and a half, was simply that: a boy.</p>
<p>“Cool,” he’d said, because he’d wanted it to be cool. Because he <em>liked</em> Remus. He didn’t want him to be a dirty, disgusting, soulless werewolf. He wanted him to be his friend. He wanted to <em>be</em> his friend. </p>
<p>Unflinchingly. Unfailingly. </p>
<p>Like James.</p>
<p>So Sirius looked across that circle at Remus, and Remus glanced from his hand to James then back to Sirius with a mild grimace, as if to say, <em>The things we do for that idiot</em>, and a smile tugged at Sirius’s lips. He reached across that circle for Remus’s spit-covered hand. He doubted James had even thought about the supposed risk of contracting Lycanthropy; he doubted such an idea would ever have occurred to him. </p>
<p>Sirius wanted to be like James. The hero of the story.</p>
<p>Remus caught his eye, looking embarrassed and a bit uncomfortable, and Sirius winked. Then he clasped Remus’s hand in his own, the squish of saliva between their palms. </p>
<p>
  <em>…will never, ever, ever under any circumstances…</em>
</p>
<p>“I solemnly swear.”</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>The fifth year boys’ dormitory was empty as Sirius finished packing his trunk. The process did not take long. He didn’t have much to pack. It was a strange feeling, he mused as he gathered up the last of his belongings, to know that everything he owned in the world fit into that one piece of luggage. Quite the change from who he’d been when he’d arrived at Hogwarts this year, the boy set to inherit multiple estates, titles, and a Gringotts vault overflowing with gold. Now he simply had a trunk filled with whatever he’d left at school before the Christmas holiday, and whatever he’d managed to stuff in his rucksack the night he ran away from home.</p>
<p>The end of term feast was in just a few hours. This was usually when Sirius’s mood began to plummet, as the prospect of returning to Grimmauld Place loomed on a darkening horizon…but Sirius would not be going back to Grimmauld Place this summer — not ever — and now he wasn’t quite sure what to feel.</p>
<p>Having finished this brief task, Sirius gave the trunk a little kick before heading out of the dorm. As he stepped out onto the landing, however, he noticed the cracked door to the boys’ bath — the one only he and his mates used, since they’d jinxed it enough times to establish a reputation. Thinking — or perhaps hoping — it might be Remus, he pushed the door open only to find James standing before the mirror, wincing as he peeled the gauze from the gash on his cheek. The one Snape had sliced across his face nearly a week ago.</p>
<p>“There you are,” said Sirius, slumping against the basin of a sink. “Where’ve you been?”</p>
<p>“Had to stop by the hospital wing,” said James sullenly. “Still bleeding. Pomfrey gave me an extra bottle of essence of dittany to take home.”</p>
<p>“Fucking hell,” said Sirius. “It’s been what, five days?”</p>
<p>“Tell me about it.” James pressed a bit of cotton wool to the mouth of the bottle then dabbed it on the wound. “Apparently I’m supposed to put this stuff on it every few hours so it doesn’t leave a nasty scar.”</p>
<p>“I dunno,” shrugged Sirius. “I think you’d look rather cool with a scar. Girls love a battle wound. Look how batty they all got over Dearborn. ‘Professor Dreamboat,’ they called him.”</p>
<p>James shot him a grin over his shoulder, evidently enjoying the idea of increased female attention, but then his expression faltered and he turned back to the mirror. “Yeah, well. I’d rather not explain to mum why my face is all cut up. She doesn’t like me to duel.” He dabbed a bit more dittany on the wound. “The bleeding’s starting to slow though.”</p>
<p>“Pity about Dearborn leaving, isn’t it?” said Sirius. “I actually rather liked him.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, me too. Merlin knows who they’ll dredge up for next year.” Then, taping on a fresh swath of gauze, James stoppered the bottle and turned to face Sirius properly. “Got to admit, I’m not thrilled with Snivellus’s little hobby. Looks like he’s branching into even darker spells.”</p>
<p>“Big surprise, that. Guess he wanted something new and impressive, since you learned his little pantsing trick.”</p>
<p>James’s expression stiffened slightly at this comment, but then he just shrugged. “Well, I plan to keep an eye on him next year. He knows too much, he’s rubbing his greasy shoulders with a bunch of Death Eaters, and now he’s crafting curses Pomfrey can’t properly heal. It’s only a matter of time until someone gets seriously hurt.”</p>
<p>Sirius grunted. This conversation was moving in the direction of a subject he preferred to skirt. “You seen Moony around?” he asked instead, as casually as he could.</p>
<p>“He went to the library.”</p>
<p>“The fuck for? Exams are over.”</p>
<p>“He said had some books to return,” shrugged James.</p>
<p>“A likely story,” muttered Sirius.</p>
<p>“He had a stack of books under his arm, so I don’t think he was lying.” James glanced at his watch. “Anyway, we’ve still got about an hour until the feast. Fancy a game of exploding snap?”</p>
<p>The two boys headed down to the common room where they found Peter ensconced in an armchair, reading a comic book, which he promptly tossed aside as he enthusiastically agreed to the game of exploding snap. Sirius suspected that if James had suggested they all go skinny dipping in the lake, Peter would’ve enthusiastically agreed to that too. Peter was always enthusiastic. It was useful sometimes, but when Sirius was in one of his more sour moods — like the one into which he was quickly slipping — he found it annoying as fuck.</p>
<p>“Moony’s not back yet?” Sirius asked as he folded himself into an armchair. </p>
<p>“Nope,” said Peter.</p>
<p>“The fuck is he doing? It’s our last day in the castle and he’s spending it alone in the library?”</p>
<p>“Wild that we’ve finished our fifth year, isn’t it?” said Peter oblivious to the depths of Sirius’s discontent. “We’re N.E.W.T. students now.”</p>
<p>“Only if you passed,” snarked Sirius, and Peter flushed salmon-pink.</p>
<p>“You passed,” said James dismissively, shuffling the deck of cards. “You don’t become a secret Animagus and then flunk your O.W.L.s.”</p>
<p>“Not with that attitude,” said Sirius, kicking his feet up on an ottoman. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been so keen for term to end. Normally I’m filled with existential dread at the prospect, but I’m actually looking forward to the summer break.”</p>
<p>“That’s because this summer is going to be brilliant,” said James as he dealt the cards. “I’ve already written mum to get tickets for the Puddlemere match in July, and there’s a good chance they’ll be up against the Catapults. Moony’s team. Bet we could get him to meet up.”</p>
<p>Sirius doubted it. “Maybe.”</p>
<p>“He’ll come around, Padfoot,” said James quietly, correctly interpreting Sirius’s brusque response. “He just needs to some time. He’ll talk when he’s ready.”</p>
<p>Sirius was not so sure of that. If there was one thing Remus Lupin was exceptionally good at, it was avoiding a conversation. He’d made it a year and a half into their friendship without ever bringing up the fact that he was a werewolf, after all. It was actually quite remarkable, the way his friend could turn off his emotions at the drop of a hat, the way he could bury everything he thought and felt so deep down inside that simply trying to work out what was going on in the boy’s head felt like launching an archaeological expedition. Remarkable — but infuriating.</p>
<p>For weeks after the last calamitous full moon Sirius had tried in vain to get Remus to talk to him honestly. He’d fucked up the immediate aftermath by listening to James, who’d insisted it would go better if <em>he</em> spoke to Remus first. Sirius had known this wasn’t the right play, but he’d let James talk him into it all the same. Maybe — maybe he’d even liked the idea of letting James tidy up his mess. James had always been better at talking, anyway.</p>
<p>But it had been a mistake. It had given Remus too much time to construct his defenses, so that when Sirius finally pushed his way into the conversation, he’d been met with a Remus who’d already locked down the fortress, raised up the drawbridge, and was hunkering inside, heedless of Sirius’s desperate attempts at entry.</p>
<p>
  <em>It’s fine.</em>
</p>
<p>Like hell it was. </p>
<p>And James had been all too happy to go back to pretending as though everything were in fact fine, accepting Remus’s tepid forgiveness as final. He seemed to think that by playacting normalcy, he could make it so. But Sirius knew better. He’d spent his whole life acting a part, only to have it blow up spectacularly in his face. At some point, he reasoned, things with Remus would have to blow up too.</p>
<p>James was still talking. “I actually think summer will really help. A change of scene, some time away…and then by the time we get back in September, everything that happened this term will feel like ancient history — fresh new year and all that — and everyone can just…move on.”</p>
<p>Sirius resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “You’re an incurable optimist, you know that, Prongs?”</p>
<p>“I happen to think it’s my finest feature,” said James cheerfully.</p>
<p>“Nah, that’s your arse.”</p>
<p>“Sod off,” laughed James.</p>
<p>His incurable optimism, however, lasted exactly one and a half rounds of exploding snap — until the portrait hole swung open and in climbed the cure itself. </p>
<p>“Prongs?” Sirius prompted, as the stack of lightly smoking cards lay ignored upon the table. “It’s your turn.”</p>
<p>“What…? Oh. Sorry.”</p>
<p>Sirius followed his friend’s distracted gaze to see Lily Evans settling herself into an armchair in an annoyingly visible corner of the common room. Sirius sighed deeply. Ever since that day by the lake after O.W.L.s, James had been prone to uncharacteristic bouts of brooding, when his focus would go a little vague, and his brow would furrow, and a look of such deep, troubled melancholy would over take his features that Sirius felt nearly compelled to douse him with icy water just to snap him out of it. </p>
<p>He suspected this all had something to do with Evans and the way she’d publicly berated him that day by the lake, but he felt that James was being a touch melodramatic. His friend’s over-the-top crush on Lily Evans had been an amusing sideshow until it became such a source of despair. Now it was just mildly irritating. So the boys left him to his moping — for rare though it may be, they were all familiar enough with the infamous Potter sulk to know that there was nothing to be done but let him work his way out of it on his own. He’d come to his senses eventually.</p>
<p>Another lackluster round of exploding snap later, and the portrait hole opened again. This time it was Remus who climbed through. Sirius waved him down and Remus ambled over obediently.</p>
<p>“All right?” said James distractedly.</p>
<p>“What took you so long?” grumbled Sirius.</p>
<p>“I had to go to the library,” said Remus simply.</p>
<p>“All day?”</p>
<p>“I had things to do, Sirius.” </p>
<p>It was masterful, the way Remus managed to speak directly to him but still not look him in the eye. He was an artist, and passive aggression was his medium.</p>
<p>“Whatever,” said Sirius. “It’s practically time for the feast. Shall we head down?”</p>
<p>“You go on ahead,” said Remus. “I still have to pack. I’ll meet you there in a few.” And without waiting for a response, Remus took off for the dormitory. Sirius watched him go, teeth grinding. He hadn’t been able to carve out a moment alone with Remus for weeks, what with James constantly sabotaging his every attempt to incite a real conversation…but now James, gazing despondently across the common room, was too caught up in his own misery to pay attention to anything else, so Sirius seized his opportunity and took off up the stairs without bothering to invent an excuse.</p>
<p>By the time he reached the dormitory, Remus already had his trunk open on his bed and was in the process of emptying his dresser into it.</p>
<p>“Moony,” said Sirius, and he observed from the doorway as Remus froze for half-a-second, then went on folding his robes as though there had been no interruption. “Can we talk?” he tried again.</p>
<p>“All the evidence suggests yes,” said Remus, tucking the freshly-folded robes into the trunk.</p>
<p>Sirius found this glib response unreasonably irritating. He shut the door, careful that the latch would click so the privacy charms they’d placed upon it would block out any eavesdroppers.</p>
<p>“How long are we going to do this?”</p>
<p>“Do what?” said Remus, without looking at him. He pulled the last set of robes from his drawer and smoothed them out on the bed. </p>
<p>“<em>This!</em> You ignoring me, icing me out, pretending around James and Peter that everything’s fine when we both know it fucking isn’t.”</p>
<p>Remus stopped folding the robes, but he did not look at him and he did not speak.</p>
<p>“Will you just <em>talk</em> to me?”</p>
<p>At last, Remus turned around. His expression was infuriatingly calm. “What would you like me to say, Sirius?”</p>
<p>“What you’re thinking!”</p>
<p>“That’s rich. Sirius Black wants to talk about thoughts and feelings?”</p>
<p>“For fuck’s sake, Moony.” Sirius scrubbed a hand over his face, then regrouped and tried again. “Fine,” he said, squaring his shoulders. “Just hit me then.”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Go on. Get it out of your system and fucking hit me.”</p>
<p>“I don’t want to hit you.”</p>
<p>“Yes, you do.”</p>
<p>“No, I don’t,” said Remus, and for the first time a flash of anger rose in his voice. “Because unlike you, my first reaction to everything that goes wrong in my life isn’t violence.” </p>
<p>At this, he shut the dresser with rather too much force; the thud of it resounded throughout the dormitory.</p>
<p>“Yeah?” said Sirius. “Well, what is your reaction? To just hole up in your shell and never talk to anyone again? Are you going to give me the cold shoulder forever?”</p>
<p>“My shoulder is perfectly room temperature.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, you’ve got that down to a fucking art, don’t you?”</p>
<p>Remus ignored this and moved to his bedside table. He slid open the drawer and began haphazardly emptying its contents — old quills, bits of parchment, a couple of chocolate frog cards, letters from home…</p>
<p>Sirius sat down on the bed. “Look, I’m sorry for what happened that night. I am. I’m sorry for what I did. I don’t know how many more times I can say it, but I’ll say it again: I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“I know you are,” said Remus, his attention firmly on the task of emptying his drawer.</p>
<p>“But you don’t forgive me.”</p>
<p>“I told you I did.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, but you don’t <em>mean</em> it.”</p>
<p>Remus turned to look at him, his hands full of a bounty of knickknacks. Sirius had never understood why Remus held on to so much useless clutter, so many pointless little mementos. He saved every letter anyone ever wrote him, every photo ever developed, even if the subject was partially out of frame. He still had the first chocolate frog card Sirius had rather carelessly given him, back in first year. It wasn’t even a rare one. Circe.</p>
<p>“What do you want from me, Sirius?” said Remus at last. His tone was mild, but Sirius could sense the frustration beneath it as he dumped the clutter into his trunk. “Do you want me to absolve you of your guilt? Unburden you of the memory of what you nearly did? Of what you promised you’d never do? Do you want me to make it all go away? I can’t do that. Even if I wanted to, I am not equipped. I am just one person — and depending on which department of the Ministry you’re talking to, I’m not even that. I can’t fix you, I can’t heal you — and yeah, okay, maybe I can’t fully forgive you until you figure out whatever the fuck is going on in that head of yours.”</p>
<p>“I knew it,” said Sirius. “I knew you weren’t over the last full m—”</p>
<p>“Has it even occurred to you that maybe I’m angry over what you’ve done since then?”</p>
<p>“Like what?”</p>
<p>“LIKE SNAPE!” shouted Remus, his strict composure suddenly shattered by a burst of fury. “Attacking him like in front of everyone after exams—”</p>
<p>“You’re angry about <em>that?”</em> said Sirius in genuine disbelief. “He fucking deserved it, he—”</p>
<p>“Did it even <em>occur</em> to you that publicly antagonizing the one boy who knows my darkest secret — thanks to you, by the way — the boy who would like nothing better than to blurt that secret out to the whole school and get me expelled — was maybe, just maybe <em>not</em> the greatest idea?”</p>
<p>Sirius blinked, taken aback. It <em>hadn’t</em> occurred to him, as a matter of fact, but when you put it like that…</p>
<p>“I didn’t think—”</p>
<p>“YOU NEVER THINK, SIRIUS! You never stop to think about the people you’re hurting, and what I can’t work out is if you’re incapable of it, or if you just don’t give a damn.”</p>
<p>“Of course I give a damn, I—”</p>
<p>But Remus shook his head. “I’m not so sure you do. You know, I always thought you were a good person, beneath all the bullying and bravado…but that person by the lake hexing Snape? That person was a piece of shit.”</p>
<p>Sirius stared at him, unable for a moment to find any words in response. It wasn’t the insult that had struck him dumb — he’d been called far worse over the years by his own mother — but rather the messenger. Remus had never said anything so…stark.</p>
<p>“James was hexing him too,” was all Sirius could think to say, and only when the words had left his mouth did he hear how childlike they sounded. How petulant. How pathetic. He hated himself for it.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” agreed Remus. “He was also being a piece of shit. The difference is, I think he’s figured that out now. So just do me a favor, okay? Stop begging my forgiveness and grow the fuck up already.”</p>
<p>Remus slammed the lid of his trunk with a horrible clatter and headed for the door. But Sirius was not yet ready to let this conversation — confrontation — end. As poorly as it was going, it was the closest thing to an honest interaction they’d had in nearly a month. </p>
<p>“Well, what about you? You were there too. If it bothered you so much, us hexing Snape, why didn’t <em>you</em> say something?”</p>
<p>Remus stopped at the door, his back to Sirius as his narrow shoulders heaved a sigh. “Honestly?” he said without turning around. “Because I reckon I’m just as much a piece of shit as you.”</p>
<p>And then he walked out of the dormitory, leaving Sirius alone and feeling far worse than he had before.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>The compartment at the far end of the Hogwarts Express was unusually quiet as the train hurtled south. The dramatic peaks and vales of the highlands had smoothed into soft pastures that sped by in a greenish blur as the train drew ever closer to London, away from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.</p>
<p>But Sirius Black was not looking at the landscape. He sat slumped in his seat, arms folded tightly across his chest, head tilted back to glower up at a spot beneath the luggage rack where the letters <em>S.O.B.</em> had been carved into the wood paneling of the compartment.</p>
<p>
  <em>Sirius Orion Black.</em>
</p>
<p>He’d scratched those letters up there himself back at the beginning of third year, when he and James had claimed this compartment as their own, officially.</p>
<p>Remus, who had been sitting next to him at the time, had peered up at the vandalism with an expression of dubious amusement. “S.O.B.,” he’d said dryly. “I’d forgotten your initials were ‘Son of a bitch.’”</p>
<p>“Fuck off,” Sirius had laughed, giving the boy a playful shove. </p>
<p><em>Son of a bitch.</em> Well, it wasn’t exactly inaccurate.</p>
<p>Remus was not sitting next to him now. He was scrunched in the opposite corner, knees hugged to his chest, head bobbing against the window with every rattle of the train. It was just a few days until the next full moon — which Remus would be spending alone in Wales. This realization arrived like a cramp in Sirius’s stomach. He wished they’d had one more full moon at Hogwarts. One more night as Moony and Padfoot. End the school year on a better note. </p>
<p>But no luck.</p>
<p>Remus had claimed that he’d felt rotten this morning and that was why he was half-asleep on the train, ignoring them all…but Sirius couldn’t help but suspect this was just a cover to avoid talking to him. They’d both put on a good show at the farewell feast, such that Sirius suspected James had no idea that a blowout fight had happened moments prior. They both had their own reasons for this. Remus wanted to get back to pretending, no doubt; Sirius didn’t want to admit that maybe James was right all along.</p>
<p>Maybe he’d pushed a little too hard. Maybe he’d fucked up their friendship forever.</p>
<p>
  <em>That person was a piece of shit.</em>
</p>
<p>Well, he’d wanted honesty.</p>
<p>Sirius looked around the compartment. Remus was still pretending to be asleep, Peter was reading his comic book, and James was sitting by the window, gazing out at the passing landscape with a distant, troubled look on his face. His cheek was still bandaged, and he fussed with it intermittently. Sirius never liked to be left alone with this thoughts; it was why he always sought out company. Yet despite his three friends around him now, he had never felt lonelier — nor more vulnerable to the onslaught of his own uncomfortable musings. </p>
<p>Why <em>had</em> he told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow? It had felt right, in the moment, to tell James it had just been a mistake. That he’d never thought Snape would actually go. That he hadn’t thought it through. That he had obviously never intended Snape to get seriously hurt…or killed. But was that really true? Or had it been a convenient cover up for the darkness in him he always hid from his friends? Hid from himself? These were the questions he’d avoided asking himself over the last month of term. He didn’t want to interrogate his intentions, to sit with the honest, uncomfortable answers…but here in this gloomy train compartment, the steady churn of tracks beneath him, he couldn’t get away from it all.</p>
<p>Had he meant to kill Snape? He didn’t <em>think</em> so, but if he hadn’t thought Snape would actually venture down beneath the Whomping Willow following his tip, it had only been because he simply hadn’t thought at all. </p>
<p>
  <em>You never stop to think about the people you’re hurting!</em>
</p>
<p>He’d just reacted. With violence.</p>
<p>So what made him different from his family? From Bellatrix? His father, whose name was forever carved next to his own? Banished or not, he was still a Black. He always would be. Walburga may have burned him off the family tree, but its snarling roots had grown tightly around his ankles, his torso, his heart. Maybe that darkness was in his blood. Maybe he’d never escape it, no matter how far away he ran. Maybe the Sorting Hat <em>had</em> been wrong…</p>
<p>
  <em>You already know where you belong then?</em>
</p>
<p>Sirius stood up abruptly, overtaken by a sudden need to be anywhere else but this quiet, cramped compartment.</p>
<p>“Where are you going?” said James, looking up at him in surprise.</p>
<p>“Need to stretch my legs.”</p>
<p>“D’you want company?”</p>
<p>Sirius considered being surly and saying no, but he realized that he did, in fact, want company, and he wanted James’s company more than anything else. So he nodded and the two boys filed out of the compartment. They strolled carelessly down the train’s rattling corridor, unspeaking but not uncomfortably so, occasionally throwing quick glances through the glass doors into other crowded compartments, little windows into other lives, other social circles, other dramas, the depths of which Sirius would never know. </p>
<p>At last they reached the end of the carriage where the excess luggage was all piled up on racks by the doors, and with the same intuitive understanding that had gotten them out of so many scrapes before, both boys stopped walking at once and peered out the window as England sped by. The sun was beginning to set; pink light glinted across the patchwork countryside. </p>
<p>“All right,” said James, pulling his gaze back from the window to look at Sirius. “What’s going on?”</p>
<p>“You know what’s going on.”</p>
<p>“No, actually, I don’t. So why don’t you tell me?”</p>
<p>Sirius opened his mouth, then closed it again because he didn’t know what to say. James just waited patiently. Finally, Sirius muttered, “I think there’s something fucking wrong with me.”</p>
<p>James frowned. “What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“I mean…I’ve spent the last five years trying to be different from my family, but…maybe I’m not. Maybe I’ll always be a Black, and I’ll always be just as bad as them.”</p>
<p>“What are you talking about? You’re nothing like your family, Padfoot, you know that. You’re better than they are.”</p>
<p>“No, <em>you’re</em> better than they are,” said Sirius furiously, glaring at his best friend. “I’m just here fumbling around trying to be half as good as you.”</p>
<p>“That’s not true.”</p>
<p>“Oh, come off it. You think if we’d never met on this train I’d still have been sorted into Gryffindor? You think I wouldn’t be all cozy in a compartment down the corridor, palling around with all my Death Eater cousins? You think I’d still be anything resembling a decent fucking person?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I do.”</p>
<p>“Well, you’re wrong. The only reason my life turned out the way it did is because you taught me not to be such a shithead. Except maybe I still am a shithead.”</p>
<p>“You’re not a shithead, why would you say that?”</p>
<p>“I broke the oath, James. I swore — <em>I solemnly swore</em> — and I broke it. Why are you still friends with me?” His voice cracked, and he knew he ought to feel ashamed by this display of emotion, but he wanted to say this. He <em>needed</em> to say this.</p>
<p>“You made a mistake, Padfoot. We all make mistakes—”</p>
<p>“You don’t.”</p>
<p>James stared at him, the pink-streaked sunset glinting off his smudged glasses. Then he let out a small, disparaging snort and leaned back against the luggage, arms crossed to his chest. “Like hell I don’t. If you’re a shithead, I’m a shithead. And you know, maybe I am sometimes, but…” He sighed and scratched distractedly at the bandage on his cheek. “Look, I don’t believe that’s true, everything you just said, that you’d be exactly like your family if we hadn’t met. But even if it is…so what? Who cares? You still made those choices. <em>You</em> made them. <em>You</em> decided not to be like your family. <em>You</em> chose to take that oath in the first place. So we fuck up sometimes. We’re human, right? All we can do when we fuck up is…choose to be better next time we have the chance.”</p>
<p>Sirius chewed on this for a moment. “Very profound, Prongs,” he said, genuinely impressed. Then, to cover up this burst of awkward sincerity, he added: “I didn’t realize you were off having a spiritual awakening, all those hours you spent staring despondently into the distance this week.”</p>
<p>“You know, sometimes I do engage in this activity called ‘thinking.’”</p>
<p>“I’ve heard of that. Thought it was a myth.”</p>
<p>James laughed. “Fuck off.” Then he clapped Sirius on the back. “Come on, let’s see if we can’t overtake the trolley on the way back and grab some pasties.”</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p>It was not long after Sirius and James returned to their compartment that the train chugged into King’s Cross station, and soon they drew to a halt and students spilled out of the compartments with a clatter of chaos. Trunks were retrieved, owls tucked under arms, cats collected and stuffed into carriers against the express and vocal wishes of said cats.</p>
<p>Sirius followed a few steps behind as James, Remus, and Peter lugged their trunks off the train and passed through the barrier of platform nine and three-quarters. Peter spotted his mother right away and left with a wave. James began to scout for his own mum, who he quickly located by the ticket booth. After giving her a quick wave, James returned his attention to Remus. “You should come stay over the summer,” he told him. </p>
<p>“Yeah,” said Remus vaguely, looking around for his dad. “Sure. Sounds great.”</p>
<p>“Bet you Puddlemere’s going to play the Catapults. Can’t miss that.”</p>
<p>“Definitely,” said Remus. Then: “Ah, there’s dad. Well, see you.” And he took off towards the station doors, the evening’s fading light drifting in faint arcs across his path. Not for the first time in the past twenty-four hours, Sirius watched Remus walk away, and he couldn’t bear it.</p>
<p>“Hang on,” he muttered to James, and abandoning his trunk, he jogged after the other boy. “Remus!” he called, and Remus stopped and turned back.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>Sirius took a moment to catch his breath. “You were right,” he said. “About me. I was a piece of shit.”</p>
<p>“Sirius—“ </p>
<p>“No, don’t try to qualify it or take it back. It’s the only honest thing you’ve said to me since…you know.”</p>
<p>Remus fidgeted uncomfortably with the handle on his trunk. </p>
<p>“And you’re right,” Sirius went on. “I’m a piece of shit, but…” he trailed off.</p>
<p>“…but?” prompted Remus.</p>
<p>“But I’m working on it.” A pause. “That’s it. I haven’t worked out the rest of the speech yet.”</p>
<p>The ghost of a grin flickered across Remus’s face, and then it was gone. “Well, let me know when you do.”</p>
<p>“I will.”</p>
<p>They stood awkwardly for a moment, the crowds of students intermingled with Muggle commuters pressing on all sides. Then Remus said again, “Well, see you.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” agreed Sirius. “See you.”</p>
<p>But when Remus was a few feet away, he couldn’t help but call out again: “Moony?”</p>
<p>Remus glanced back over his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Just…don’t give up on me, okay?”</p>
<p>Remus frowned at him, and he looked as though he was about to say something else, but then a crowd of Muggle tourists passed noisily between them, and Remus merely gave a small wave and continued on. </p>
<p>“Mate? You ready? Mum’s waiting just outside.”</p>
<p>He turned to see James beside him, dragging both trunks. “Sorry,” said Sirius, taking hold of his own trunk. “Yeah, let’s go.”</p>
<p>And with one quick glance at the space where Remus Lupin no longer stood, Sirius followed James out out of the station.</p>
<p> </p><hr/>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>TO BE CONTINUED</strong><br/>
<em>in</em><br/>
The Last Enemy: Dark Marks <br/>
(Book II)</p>
<p>
  <em>It’s 1976 and the events of the past term at Hogwarts have left their mark on all involved. But it’s a new school year now, with new teachers, new rules, and new regrets. Yet as the war clamoring outside the castle walls grows ever louder, the students inside will learn that some marks are impossible to wash away.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Coming June 2021</strong>
</p>
<p><strong>Update (3/21/21):</strong> The <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMtQavpWMgM">TLE2 trailer</a> is out now! :)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And so we reach the end of Book One. I have a lot of feelings about finishing this first book (a LOT 😅). When I was writing it originally, it was just a coping mechanism for me and I really didn’t intend on sharing it with anyone ever. Enter COVID-19, quarantine, yada yada yada…I’ll spare you all my reflections, but the point is: Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has followed along on this project with me. You have been a genuine bright spot in the black hole of 2020, and I am so grateful. </p>
<p>Regarding Book Two! I've stated this in the comments before, but to confirm, there will be a break before I start posting the next book, as I am still in the process of writing it. I don’t yet know just how long of a break that will be, but I promise I’m working on it and I’m very excited to share it with you. :)</p>
<p>In the meantime, if you want to stay in touch, come hang on Tumblr! I am <a href="https://chdarling.tumblr.com/">chdarling</a>, if you want a bunch of nonsense posts from multiple fandoms, or <a href="https://chdarling-tle.tumblr.com/">chdarling-tle</a>, if you only want marauders/TLE content.</p>
<p>Okay folks, that’s all from me for a little while. I’m going to get back to writing all that sixth year jily content now ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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